Category: Entertainment special

WHEN DYSLEXIA MEANS DAILY SEX: Illiterate handsy ex minister Matt Hancock is pleading for forgiveness for his sins. Obviously, opting to skive off work, fly to Australia, and submit himself to perform humiliating tasks for our entertainment, is bound to make us sympathetic.

His parliamentary colleagues are lining up to support him, in the only way they know how. By ganging up on him, and block voting for Hancock to perform the most degrading challenges. Kicking him when he’s down. From Hancock to kangaroo cock. 

Naturally, the rest of us will be jeering him on. While Hancock may genuinely believe that he will find redemption, the smart money says not. It’s not hard to think of ways that Hancock could display his sorrow, how he could redeem himself, or gain grudging acceptance. But deserting his post (for a large sum of money) and shedding crocodile tears is not one of them. 

It’s a jungle out there. As usual, Hancock has tried to read the room. Unfortunately, his devotion to dyslexia means that he got it all horribly wrong. His chosen public penance of ingesting inappropriate foods while being harangued by a camp 80s pop star will not earn him any respect. Ask his predecessor, Nadine Dorries. 

The only rumble in the jungle is likely to be from Hancock’s stomach, as it attempts to digest the indigestible. A bit like his adoring public. 

Jungles are full of snakes and creepy crawlies. Hancock is crawling, or so he reckons, and is definitely creepy. So that’s a solid three out of three there. 

At least there is one final chance of redemption. Should Boris Johnson ever wangle his way back in to Number Ten, Hancock can look forward to a Lordship, which is the traditional reward for making an arse of yourself in public. 

WHERE YOU LEAD THEY FOLLOW : GREAT NEWS for fans of Tory sex scandals and extramarital affairs with the announcement that footage of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s infidelities, dalliances, drunken scrums and affairs are being turned into a series.

“Bonkfix is thrilled to announcement we have secured the rights to all the CCTV footage across decades and from entities both domestic and foreign,” Mr Custard, CEO of Bonkfix, told LCD Views. “The series will be live just as soon as we have put it all into chronological order and added sued to use the Benny Hill soundtrack.”

It is well known that the UK allowed a serial love rat to become Prime Minister, even going so far as to allow him to move his mistress at the time into 10 Downing Street.

“Mr Johnson couldn’t have behaved and risen to power as he has in many countries. We’re just lucky to have an entertainer in chief in 10 Downing Street and a pliant press owned by offshore billionaires who see advantage in that,” Mr Custard added.

The 12 episodes in Season One are all movie length and will feature content that will struggle to a PG rating.

“You think Matt Hancock playing away from home, in the office, at public expense and being filmed is something, just wait until you get an eye full of Mr Johnson. You’ll need an icepack ready for what are certain to be strained eyes.”

Episode is Titled “Arcuri and Technology” and will be certain to feature flags and potentially some shags!

“It’s just a shame Mr Johnson is so compromised himself,” Mr Custard muses, “we have been waiting for several years to do a new season of our award winning hit ‘Great British Ministerial Resignations!’, but no one gets sacked for anything anymore. No matter the scale of public harm or ethical abyss, unless they upset the PM’s missus.”

YOU SEE HIM HERE, YOU SEE HIM THERE: Transparency is at the heart of government. And many people have certainly seen through Michael Gove.

He seems to have vanished before our very eyes. Westminster rumours suggest that Gove has auditioned, successfully, to play The Invisible Man. Furthermore, the rumour mill suggests that Gove takes his method acting very seriously. To which end, he has dug out his faithful chemistry set.

To play invisible, you have to experience invisible. So it comes as no surprise to learn that the raw ingredients for a Vanishing Potion were recently delivered to Chez Gove. Here it is believed that the scientific marvel himself created the potion. After all, he is believed to have supplied most of the Conservative Party with his home-made turnip-based cocaine substitute.

Residents of the quaint village of Slugsby-in-the-Muck have reported a number of strange occurrences recently. Villagers have sometimes experienced a “presence”, as though detecting an unseen presence. Occasionally a figure in a long coat and dark glasses, wrapped in bandages, has been glimpsed at dusk. Objects have disappeared in mysterious fashion, sometimes before people’s very eyes. The only clue is a lingering air of smugness.

Another worrying incident is the sighting of Mrs Gove. Though not traumatic in itself, she has been observed, on her own, having an animated conversation. Normally this is passed off as a Daily Mail journalist working herself up into a bilious state. But recently it seems that the empty space next to her has been involved in the conversation.

What’s more, a disembodied voice has been heard in quieter corners of the village. While not unheard of in this corner of the world, this voice is unusual. Instead of random phrases, fossilised in time, it sounds like it is practising a speech. The promises contained within are as empty as the space occupied by the voice.

Filming is due to start as soon as lockdown restrictions permit. But the star of the show appears to have vanished.

TOGETHER FOREVER : The UK’s one man political boy band, Rishi Sunak, is set to step it up a gear in his blatant attempt to woo the affections of British voters away from the mad haired, fat, old, clueless slob currently doing his Elvis at Vegas impression inside 10 Downing Street.

And Sunak’s steps will be synchronised with himself all alone as he enters the recording studio to lay down an album of Rick Astley covers! We begged a few moments of the Chancellor’s time to find out more.

Q : “Thank you for agreeing to see us Chancellor, or should I say prime minister?”

A : “Still just Chancellor for now. But call again next week and you never know.”

Sunak flashed us one of his trademark smiles and we swooned.

Q : “Let’s get right into the heavy stuff. No, I don’t mean whether or not Eat Out to Help Out led to the early demise of people from a case of the sniffles.”

We both laughed. Oh, how we laughed, yesterday’s travails already forgot.

A : “Phew! You had me going there for a moment. Between you and me I sleep really well at night. All tucked up not thinking about Brexit or colds. Just dreaming of the moment I have my people tear out all that tacky stuff Princess Nut Nuts has jammed into the PM’s flat and replace it with pictures of me.”

Q : “And the album of Rick Astley covers is part of your push to replace Boris?”

Another winning smile!

A : “How did you guess? But seriously, Rock Astle’s songs have always been close to my heart. Never Going To Give You A Respectable Pay Rise In Spite Of Hundreds Of You Dying is my gift to the NHS.”

Together Forever? I don’t think you can say that about Johnson and Sunak.

LETHAL TRADE WEAPON : There are few heroes in the unfolding story of Brexit. There were too few politicians prepared to abandon previously held convictions to drive through the mandate derived from a fraudulent and criminally corrupted opinion poll, but there were just enough who stepped up to the plate. Who put their careers before country.

And now we need to hear their stories. Their heroic songs need to be sung.

Thankfully, ambitious streaming service, FlagShagga are also stepping up to the plate and hitting the mark (the mark being an entire country and a rules based global order), and have commissioned a new drama focused on the life of a hero who shouldn’t have to wait for Trade Valhalla for their song to be sung.

“Liz Truss – Trade Negotiator is already in the can and post-production will be finished by the summer,” Thor Tradenson, CEO of FlagShagga, told LCD Views in an exclusive interview.

“I’m so confident of its chances I’ve already commissioned the sequel. Liz Truss – Oyster Shucker!”

And the chances of edge of your seat excitement are as guaranteed as the German car industry riding in to save Brexit.

“You’ll want to have your popcorn ready as you settle down to watch the lead trade negotiator of a sovereign, fully independent trading nation hit her strides.”

The strides will of course be Union Jack patterned, just like the trademark umbrella.

“Grip your loved ones tight as you watch Liz take EU negotiated trade deals with minor global players and roll them over for a while, usually at a disadvantage to what was on offer previously. It’s nail biting stuff.”

It’s all high octane excitement as Liz overcomes the challenges a trade superhero will inevitably encounter.

“I don’t want to spoil the fun, but let’s just say the moment Liz runs out of tipex just as she’s whiting out EU to write in U.K. in a trade deal rollover for one year with Narnia will have you chewing your nails to the quick.”

But it’s not just modifying deals already signed and sealed that sees Liz in the middle of do or die moments.

“You’ll laugh yourself silly when she goes to the photocopier late one evening only to find a drunk, fat, fumbling, scarecrow haired, blonde man attempting to photocopy his backside, while mumbling Pericles, after a crate of Bollinger.”

Liz Truss – Trade Negotiator, get ready for the ride of your life.

It seems you can’t move for polls these days, everyone’s doing surveys of favourite and least favourite things in every field of entertainment. But the most recent poll brought something new to the mix. This one was about character believability, and usually, when people are asked to name films, books, TV shows and characters that are unrealistic, the field is dominated by science fiction and fantasy, but this poll had a surprising result.

The character voted most unrealistic was the politician Jim Hacker from the classic British comedy series Yes Minister and its sequel Yes Prime Minister, winning by the landslide that all politicians usually dream of.

The caring, concerned minister, later prime minister, who wanted to make Britain a better place for everybody, came top of the poll with a staggering 36% of the votes, more than five times as much as any other candidate. The second place went to Scott Howard, played by Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf, who scored 7% of the vote, with Superman coming in third with 4%.

“It’s the fact of a politician acting, or at least trying to act, for the good of the country as a whole,” poll organiser Fay Voritz explained. “That’s what so many people were saying when they cast their votes. It’s just not believable in this day and age.”

It has been suggested that if the show were to be remade again, the characters of Jim Hacker and Sir Humphrey Appleby would have to be swapped around, with the idealistic civil servant Hacker still wanting to make Britain a better place reluctantly forced to accede to his minister Sir Humphrey’s demands, and doing the exact opposite. And whereas Sir Humphrey would have uttered the show’s title at the end of each episode with a knowing smile, Hacker would say “yes, minister” with a sigh of resignation.

The show’s writers, Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn, have been quick to deny any suggestion of a new version.

“When we wrote it back in the 80s,” Lynn explained, “it was as a satire, but reality is too crazy for believable satire to operate nowadays.”

He’s not wrong. When Yes Minister is deemed less realistic than Teen Wolf, he’s not wrong.

The last few years it’s been impossible to avoid classic rock acts reworking their old hits. The Beatles’ “Strawberry Milkshake Forever” as well as the whole White Album being renamed the Multicultural Album, are just the tip of the iceberg. Brexit has been lampooned by Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Leave Is” and Paul Simon’s updated lyric of the folk riddle that is “Scarborough Fair”.

And now it’s the turn of REO Speedwagon, whose 1980 song Take It On The Run is being tweaked in response to Boris Johnson’s comments about Coronavirus.

“I know we’re an American band,” REO singer Kevin Cronin explained, “and that one or two Brits will say how dare they say this to our prime minister, but you gotta remember our own president is saying the same sort of rubbish, and when I heard this remark, I thought of this song right away.”

He could almost have been quoting Nigel Farage, who stuck his head into our office to say almost word-for-word what Cronin just said, in spite of the fact that we’ve put up notices to forbid him entry after the last time.

The original song, which made the top 5 in the US and top 20 in the UK, was written by the band’s late guitarist Gary Richrath and dealt with an unfaithful partner. The chorus went:

You take it on the run baby, if that’s the way you want it baby,
Then I don’t want you around.
I don’t believe it, not for a minute,
You’re under the gun and you take it on the run.

The new chorus lyrics, adapted by Cronin, goes:

I take it on the chin baby, if that’s the way you want it baby,
Then I don’t want you around.
I don’t believe it, not for a minute,
That we should give in, and take it on the chin.

“It’s just such an easy change of lyric,” Cronin explained. “I’m sure Gary would have approved. It’s so difficult to strike the right note with a song about illness. Either you have something mild and you have to play it for laughs, or it’s something fatal and you have to be completely respectful in case someone hears it who’s going through the same thing. So I was glad that the angle for the lyrics was not at the expense of the people suffering from the virus.”

Cronin was quick to deny the rumours that another REO hit, his own “Can’t Fight This Feeling” was also being reworked. “That would fall into the comedy category,” he said, “and like I said we’re not going down that road.”

The new single “Take It On The Chin” will be in the shops on Friday 13th of March.

Britain has been transformed. The government’s infinite improbability drive to force Brexit through has changed the UK into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias.

One of the biggest problems with Brexit is that everyone knows that the answer is 42, but nobody can agree what the question is.

The man responsible, who lay down in front of the bulldozers until he got a better offer, hitched and blagged his way to the top. Turns out he is as two-faced as Zaphod Beeblebrox.

The glorious and much lauded freedom from the conventional limits is, we are told, great news for the UK. Why, if you are a sperm whale, must you be restricted to the sea? Why can’t a plant escape the confines of a bowl? Why not throw off the shackles and take to the air?

“Believe in Britain!” is the cry. The unexpected transformation has left the country’s leaders floundering uselessly. A bit like a sperm whale in mid-air.

I believe I can fly, trilled Boris Johnson during his bonkers speech this week. One in a long line of surreal gags and corny catchphrases, at least Johnson’s comic credentials were enhanced.

It’s a shame that the top job in the country has gone to the court jester. His Ken Dodd impression was spot on, only the diddymen were missing.

So what if the UK is now split between an aquatic mammal and a houseplant? So what if we are falling rapidly to the ground? We can always blame the EU. Or diesel. Or a couple of white mice and the number 42.

The sperm whale half of the UK is happy and optimistic, enjoying the freefall. While the bowl of petunias half is more aware of the consequences. Oh no, not again.

Meanwhile, the EU has a parting shot for us: So long, and thanks for all the fishing rights.

HE HATHAWAY WITH HIM : One of the biggest, enduring questions in British cultural life has been finally answered with the announcement that famous British actor Laurence Fox is to replace Daniel Craig as James Bond.

The rumour mill had long expected Idris Elba to replace Craig but as is often the case the rumour mill only produced chaff. Instead a working class hero with a rags to riches story has seized the cultural prize of playing the iconic defender of the establishment.

“Fox will help bring a touch of 21st century class to the role at a time when traditional British values are at risk,” our entertainment industry insider reveals, “it had long been expected that the franchise would get a makeover with its first non-white actor, or heaven forbid, a woman, but we can all rest easy knowing that sort of progressive nonsense isn’t going to happen today.”

In the film Fox’s Bond will face off against global super villain Mr Woke who is attempting to destroy the collective historical memory of proper Englishmen by removing all archive footage of white, working class men from WW1.

“The W.O.K.E. corp has encircled the globe in an elitist conspiracy that fronts as an eco movement, but whose real aim is to put more and more psychological pressure on insecure, weirdly angry, privileged white guys. Something has to be done. Someone has to stand up for white male privilege. That someone is Fox.”

Adding to the anticipation is the additional rumour that actor turned politician, Donald Trump, will have a bit part as a key moral ally of the new Bond.

“Mr Trump has already appeared once before in the franchise in ‘From Russia With Love’ and this time he plays a fierce activist leading a group called Incel who are determined to stop Woke in its tracks. It’s a natural pairing of characters from each side of the pond.”

The film’s title is still under consideration but suggestions are ‘He Hathaway With Him’, ‘Wake Another Day’, ‘They Sikh Him Here, They Seek Him Everywhere’ and ‘Amnesia is Forever’ are the titles on the short list.

Everything’s going metric these days. And why not? It’s a lot easier for everyone to work in tens, hundreds and thousands than all those tricky conversions that imperial measurements demand, and which were only useful for remembering times tables anyway – which nobody really needs to do now that they all have such easy access to calculators.

But the latest step is arguably a step too far. Or to be more accurate, several thousand steps too far.

The Proclaimers are going metric, re-recording their classic hit “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” as “I’m Gonna Be (800 Kilometres)”.

The move has come as Scotland resumes its sabre-rattling on the subject of independence, coupled with a desire to remain in the EU, as the duo, brothers Craig & Charlie Reid explained.

“If we want a Scotland that’s independent of the UK but part of the EU,” Craig said simply, “then we’ll need to get the population used to metric measurements.”

“It’s only the chorus that will need changing anyway” Charlie added. “Everything else is still the same.”

The new chorus will now be:

I would walk eight hundred kilometres and I would walk eight hundred more
To be the man who walks sixteen hundred kilometres to fall down at your door.

Critics have already observed that it doesn’t quite scan as well as the original, but Craig assured me that all the extra syllables do fit. The two twins did sing it to me to demonstrate, and they did just about manage to pull it off.

Nigel Farage was quick to criticise – not that anybody actually asked him for his opinion, he just shouted it to the rooftops anyway.

“No, no, no,” he said. “I’m not going metric for anybody, I refuse to sing those new lyrics. Not that I was a fan of the song in the first place, who walks when they can drive, eh?”

We keep explaining to Farage that we don’t actually require his opinion on every single subject or event but he refuses to get the message and shut up.

Nicola Sturgeon on the other hand has given the project her whole-hearted approval. “I proclaim this will be the new anthem for an independent Scotland,” she said at a press conference.

The new single is out now, with an eye on becoming the Christmas number one.