Category: Education Education Education

WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION: A level results look like being a lottery, thanks to the intervention of Gavin Williamson. The fireplace selling, tarantula fancying, excuse for an Education Secretary has, at a stroke, rendered all the work that has gone into awarding reasonable grades null and void.

An entire cohort of dedicated A level teachers has spent much of lockdown debating, assessing, projecting, and moderating expected grades. As experienced experts in education, they know their students and the likely progress they would have made. Their decisions are the best and most reliable indicators of what should have been. But then, who needs experts?

After all, there is no point in getting good grades. In Brexit Britain, the only qualifications needed in future will be those obtainable from the University of Life.

Fortunately, gaining these qualifications is not difficult. Bright eyed youngsters will have to extinguish that eager fire with a compulsory reading list. This means reading the Daily Mail and the Daily Express, from cover to cover, daily. Extra credits will be awarded by attending seminars in any available Wetherspoons pub, by which we mean getting hammered on cheap beer and regurgitating the reading list verbatim.

Those entering the second year of Further Miseducation will have to study the complete works of Nigel Farage and Darren Grimes. Seminars will be more challenging, and involve the consumption of shots.

Final year modules include Venting One’s Spleen On Twitter, Designing Posters With Racist Undertones, and Picking A Fight With A Complete Stranger. A successful seminar in this year includes getting schooled by someone prepared to construct a simple argument. The most successful students will conclude their seminars by dashing to the toilet and tweeting about how unfair everything is, like the great big snowflake they pretend not to be.

Graduation will occur the moment a bright young thing walks into the pub and you say, “Can you believe it? I used to be like that arsehole!”

Meanwhile the posh kids brought up to be heartless sociopaths will continue to run the country.

Back to skool! Following its triumphant reopening this week, and a successful Freshers’ Ball at the weekend, the University of Life is now teaching students the ancient art of making placards.

The eligibility criteria are few. All alumni of the School of Hard Knocks may participate, so long as they have access to paint, cardboard, and a length of two-by-four. Anyone else whose ignorance of proofreading is complete may also join in.

The course has three modules: assembly, painting, and message. Anyone can act as a tutor, so long as they have a shed or garage, six crates of Stella, some manky old tattoos, and an undying love of West Ham United Football Club.

LCD Views contacted one such tutor over a well-known social media platform, where his handle is @hamersfan95562247844. We’ll call him Dave.

“Assembly is a piece of piss,” wrote Dave. “Make a square frame. Put a pole down the middle. Nail it together. Stick cardboard over it. Nail that down too. Lovely jubbly!”

Painting was even easier.

“Slap the paint on,” wrote Dave. “Let it dry while you finish your crate of Stella, and watch the 1966 World Cup Final again and have a man-wank as Bobby Moore lifts the trophy.”

Sounds quite simple so far.

“The words, now that’s no problem,” wrote Dave. “Think what you want to say, but don’t think too hard or you’ll lose the will to live. Paint the words on the sign. Wherever you like, it’s a free country. Don’t let the bleedin’ Grammar Nazis tell you what to do! Have some more Stella and you’re good to go!”

Even if you are basically waving a word salad in the air?

“Salad? Eff off, you metropolitan liberal elite avocado muncher!” he raved. “Real men eat British beef, not rabbit food! Now, that’s it, I’ll have a Pony off you now…”

Unfortunately, the connection dropped out at that point.

Trust in the common sense of the British people. What wrong could go possibly?

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases… or do they? Our government is not just following the science, it is doing the science. It is proposing a nationwide experiment on covid-19 transmission by children.

This is to be achieved by reopening state schools. This goes against all professional advice, and contrary to the opinion of teachers and their unions. But you know, experts, what do they know about politics?

The policy was defended by Education Secretary Gavin Williamson. Surprisingly, the fact that he probably gets his kicks from fondling his pet tarantula, is not the most creepy thing about him. There’s just something about those eyes of his.

“We think that, in the long run, this will be a good thing,” he slithered into his laptop, backed by bookcases filled with books about himself. “We need to determine whether this virus does indeed move through the population, with the British stiff upper lip taking it on the chin. Our brave heroes at the chalkface and their grimy charges will help us study what happens. The hordes of the great unwashed will establish the science, and the numbers, and by staying alert we hope to achieve horde immunity.”

Parents have been reassured too.

“I am anxious to make sure that schools are safe before I send my children back,” said worried parent Fi Paying. “So darling Saskia and little Tobias aren’t going back until enough state school oiks have survived long enough for proof.”

Williamson was anxious to point out that the government would strain every sinew, work night and day, and act quickly and decisively to deflect blame on to any person or individual who dared contradict him. “I’m sorry if you feel differently,” he declared unapologetically. “But this administration was voted in with a huge majority, which means what we say is right. That’s democracy!”

Children and teachers are dying to get back to school. Or possibly the other way round.

Wetherspoons, the Brexit loving zero hours contracting bargain bucket beer floggers, are backing British intellects. They are celebrating the victory by the lying Leavers by insisting that drinkers take, and fail, a spelling test.

Before accepting an order, harassed and underpaid bar staff must ask their cut-price customers to type a Brexit trope into a tablet attached to the till. The till will not open, and the cheap beer will not be served, if the customer spells it correctly.

Acceptable tropes include Brexit means Brexit, We won get over it, and We got are cuntrie’s back.

Dissident smartarses pointed out that the more you drank, the less likely you are to spell anything correctly. But that’s not the point, claimed a ‘Spoons spokesbeermat. Instead, it is designed to prevent smartarses from getting served in the first place.

“It’s just not acceptable!” said boffin Mort Aboard. “Why should the liberal intellectual elite be prevented from enjoying discount ale in a bland establishment with sticky carpets?”

“It’s quiet simple,” replied the spokesbeermat, Nat Spyss. “Are customers wont to drink they’re larger in piece without being bothered by remoner snowflakes melting every were.”

Aboard insists that he and his friends would just like a quiet pint in peace while they do the Times crossword or play chess. “We are not a threat to Mr Spyss or anyone else,” he said. “We are happy to ignore the lowlifes who get political information from a beer mat, while we savour the hoppy top notes of Farage’s Fruity Flatulence.”

“Chess?” exclaimed Spyss in disbelief. “The flippin’ pansies! The so-called elites want to turn this cuntrie’s into a bleedin’ homework club! We wont to get bladdered, have lots of larger and smoke as many fags as we wont, innit, without some killjoy soshal… soascial… lefty git tellin’ us how to live are lives. I’m tellin’ it like it is. We carnt leave the EU fast enuff!”

Let’s face it. Intellectual liberal elite types are much more at home in a wanky craft beer outlet.

SPRICHST DU BREXSHITSCH : Great news for potatriots today with the announcement from the Department for Re-Education that all those silly European languages are OUT of British schools, as they’re just useless.

“It’s about preparing the next generation for life after Brexshit,” a Department for Re-Education spokesman revealed today, “or as we say in Brexitlandia, DO YOU SPEAK BREXSHIT?, this will now become the mandated greeting at OUR BORDERS UNDER ARE CONTROL.”

The decision to make sweeping changes to the way languages are taught in schools builds on the perceptual work already done since June 2016.

“Already true born potatriots across the country are telling their children what’s the flipping point of learning anything that isn’t English, Inglish, Brexshish or any other form of SUPERIOR MOTHER TONGUE. As such demand for those silly European languages is rightly diminishing. No one is leaving home after Brexit, so no one needs any other language than the Queen’s own.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/education-47334374

Some kickback from fifth columnists in the education system is anticipated. As such all non-English language teachers are in the process of being rounded up and deported.

“When our children go forth as brand advocates for Global Britain we want to ensure that the only language they can talk in is Brexshish,” the spokesman informed, “this will force people who mistakenly learned inferior languages as children to converse in a proper, patriotic tongue.”

Further changes are also afoot.

“We will be purifying the music curriculum also,” the spokesman beamed, “with lesser musicians, like Beethoven, being removed from the curriculum. They’re only there for the propaganda purposes of the EU anyway. And we’re OUT.”

Remember, it is your duty as a citizen to ensure the correct language is spoken at all times. This will ensure we make a success of Brexit. If you see a funny looking foreigner on the streets be sure to walk up to them, redden your face and demand, Do you speak Brexshish?

Go forth Global Britons and multiply, but only sums that can be done with five fingers.

LIVE AND LEARN : The famous University of Life, Little England campus, is to get a massive boost from Downing Street of £39n to combat the devious EU’s new university alliance.

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/education/eu-network-to-let-students-transfer-seamlessly-between-colleges-1.3938250

“The money will come from telling the EU to go whistle for the £39bn they are attempting to extort from hardworking British taxpayers over Brexit,” Mr A Salty, junior minister at DCMS, told LCD Views, “if they’re not going to give us everything we’re shouting at them for then it’s clear they DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH and they can’t have our money.”

While the EU initiative will allow students to seamlessly transfer between 114 different colleges across the EU members states, the British initiative is much better because it allows students to transfer between one campus.

It’s believed the attractiveness of never leaving home to proper English students will see them choose the University of Life over any useless EU27 location.

“They won’t get fancy, continental, la dee da ideas staying at home,” Mr Salty says, “and the campus will have special celebrity tutors such as Professors Bridgen, Dorries, Jenkyns and Francois who will talk about how they survived the blitz. In fact the curriculum will be entirely WW2 focused, with some time spent on one World Cup. This will better equip University of Life graduates for the challenges of appearing on BBC Question Time in the years to come. And of course to take advantages of the opportunities afforded by Brexit.”

Other courses pencilled in will expand the units available at the all English campuses.

“Buccaneering and piracy in general. This is to ensure we have the right kind of free trade negotiators graduating from our lower education system.”

And there’s no need to worry about spaces available for proper English patriots.

“As soon as Brexit happens on the 31st October everyone in the UK will be auto-enrolled in the University of Life. So Brussels can take a hike!”

And we hear there’s even a new slogan for the University of Life, to really show the meddling, unelected technocrats in Brussels that we mean business!

“Lustrum off! Plenum es nobis” or translated into a proper language, “Bog off! We’re full!”

Head Prefect of the Westminster Entitled Twats School (WETS), Rory Stewart, has spoken out on the subject of drugs. He says they haven’t affected his youthful good looks in the slightest.

“My rugged good looks give me authority,” claimed Rory, removing a syringe from his arm. “People mistake me for someone in their forties. It’s good breeding, and nothing at all to do with drugs.”

Tory Rory, as he is known, has been put on report for his comments, given a detention, and barred from standing for election as leader of the school’s Young Conservatives.

Wrinkly Rory is disappointed with the outcome. “All the boys, and most of the masters, are on something,” he revealed. “The drugs give you a different view of the world. This is essential, since most of the boys eventually enter politics.”

Gap-toothed Rory bears the scars of an unfortunate incident earlier in his school career. “It happened while Rory was in the Lower Fourth,” said house master Bircham Daley. “One of the sixth formers cut his supply with, well to this day we don’t know what, and Rory took far too much. Matron managed to shove most of his teeth back in, but it was touch and go for a while there.”

How has this affected his schooling? “Not at all,” replied Daley. “He acquired all the GCSEs he wanted, paying the ‘A* supplement’ in several subjects, and I still have the invoice to prove it!”

Daley also revealed that Rory was made Head Prefect to compensate for missing several weeks of jolly japes after the incident with the teeth.

“We have also fast tracked him to get into Oxford,” said Daley. “The life and drugs are harder there, but I’m sure he will excel.”

WETS’ loss is the country’s gain. There aren’t nearly enough rich, privately educated, drug-addled Tory boys in parliament.

But the big question remains, on which his future hangs. Did he inhale?

LCD Views can report on fantastic news today that the esteemed school of paranormal study, the European Research Group, is to undertake research for the first time, ever.

“It’s because we keep accidentally creating the impression that we’re fascists,” ERG spokesman, Mr Idiot, told LCD Views,

“none of it is intended. Not the nicknaming ourselves after KKK leadership, not Bravermann using language used by a far right mass murderer, not Jacob’s careful diatribes over the health benefits of concentration camps, not the foaming mouthed desire to have fundamental rights equate to personal wealth (preferably of the inherited kind), not the calling for a street group named after a famous fascist one, none of it. Total accidents.”

The lack of research by a group that, perhaps cynically, put the word research in its name, has long been a reason for questions by unpotatriotic traitors suspecting the ERG may not be the benevolent institution of disinterested study it likes to portray itself as.

The research will be extensive and leave no stone unturned.

“All these unintentional links to far right symbols and movements must halt now,” Mr Idiot affirmed, “it’s becoming a public relations calamity. People are suspecting we don’t have two brain cells to rub together amongst the lot of us.”

So far right links are out? As soon as the research shows you what to avoid?

“What? Don’t be an idiot!” Mr Idiot shouted, his eyebrows rising into his hairline, “we need to find any far right symbols or movements we haven’t yet linked to and link to them immediately. If we keep stumbling on without doing the research we may miss some!”

Traditional universities are going through tough times. Education, they feel, is a means of self-improvement, not a commodity to be bought and sold. Unfortunately for them, a rabid ideology-driven Tory government is in charge. So tough shit.

Privatisation is the panacea which cures all ills, if only you believe hard enough. If something exists, even as a concept, it can be bought, stripped of all worth, and resold at a premium. The private sector is more efficient at siphoning off taxpayers’ money than the public sector, and must be allowed to do so at all times.

In particular, universities have long been a burden on the taxpayer, providing an elite service to metropolitan liberals which the rest of us have to pay for. Finally, common sense is prevailing, as the old order is being taken over by the totally unsubsidised University of Life.

The University of Life is a very loose organisation, but its spiritual leader, Nigel Farage, was pleased to explain how it works over several pints of Dogwhistler’s Old Flatulence.

“Anyone can enter the University of Life,” belched Farage. “It helps to have attended the School of Hard Knocks, but really anyone with a sufficiently inflated ego, a closed mind and a chip on their shoulder is welcome.”

Qualifications will not be necessary to enter the University, says Farage. “UCAS will be as thing of the past,” he splutters. “Exam stress will no longer exist, and everyone will be a lot happier.”

Graduation is simple too. “Everyone, upon entering, will immediately graduate,” dribbled Farage. “There will be no need for boring lectures or all-nighters in the library to complete an essay. In fact, the less you know, the higher the grade you receive. The Brexit Party guarantees free education for all, and the best bit is that I can do nothing and yet receive all the credit!”

Farage popped out for a fag in the pouring rain, and returned dripping wet. “After my most excellent Brexit, the rain will be warm and golden,” he coughed. “Just like my mate Donald over the pond likes it.”

Government ministers have praised the University of Life very highly, although not to the point when they actually send their own children there.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-47419418?intlink_from_url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education&link_location=live-reporting-story