Category: Education Education Education

A* FOR FALLING UPWARDS : THE UK’S EDUCATION MONOLITH, GAVIN WILLIAMSON, HAS GIVEN EVERYONE AN ABRUPT LESSON TODAY IN THE HITHERTO UNSPOKEN BENEFITS OF BREXIT.

“It shows the tangible benefits of promoting loyalists to dubious political projects to cabinet positions, regardless of their verifiable quality, based purely on their allegiance to Brexit,” our Education Matters specialist says.

And education is all about Gavin.

“Remember how he was sacked for leaking secrets? Once that would have ended a political career. Not in Boris Johnson’s cabinet of all the tzars.”

And Gavin is showing the wisdom of resurrection as England begins its bold and visionary future freed of the constraints of having friends in Europe.

“For the first time English schools can now teach students about WW2,” Mr Williamson told the gathered press. “This is a little understood historical period in England. With my new directives I am to further that.”

But before critics suggest there is more to history than a global conflict in which the powers of fascism were defeated by an international coalition, Gavin has a ready retort.

“I’m not going to start speculating on what maybe achieved, potentially, by the incoming US Biden/Harris administration.”

But it won’t only be WW2 in the curriculum.

“There will be WW1 too. And the Queen and how to make Union Jack bunting.”

But what about those who suggest that potentially, the way in which the flagshaggers obsess about WW2, misrepresent many of the aspects and exclude historical debate aimed at better understanding import passages of our history, risks missing the lessons of the conflicts.

“That’s too long a sentence,” Mr Williamson replied, before adding, “I’ve got a spider. It’s how I got promoted.”

CONCRETE DOESN’T POUR ITSELF YOU KNOW : Great news for the UK’s untapped child workforce today. The government has decided to kill two birds with one stone.

Starting from the beginning of the new school term in Southeast England, next week, children too hungry to study will have an opportunity to work to eat.

“Work to eat, that’s the slogan,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s pointless wasting precious state financial assets educating children who will be vital cogs in the workforce from January 2021. And with so many complaining of hunger because their parents spent all their benefits on a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers* this new scheme will give them the chance to feel what a full belly feels like.”

A full belly after a day of self-esteem boosting work.

“The scheme will be centred on the Kent lorry parks that are currently under construction. And let me tell you, we need labour. Child, teenager, adult, retiree, it doesn’t matter, if you’ve one good hand and a one working foot, partial vision, or even none at all, your government believes you are good to work. Good to work to eat.”

The ‘Work to Eat’ scheme does tailor itself to children’s needs in more ways than food.

“We all know no child of working age wants to go to bed. Work to eat takes advantage of this by forcing children to work the night shifts. As the sun rises each day they will be shunted into the mess tent and get a full plate of gruel. Clearly as we haven’t yet reached the Winter Solstice the breakfasts will be later each morning until late December. This will only add to the anticipation.”

But the vital, and timely scheme has drawn some fire from Northern MPs.

“What about the North? We weren’t duped into standing for election for Boris Johnson on a raft of clearly bogus promises just to see our own children denied the opportunity to pour concrete in Kent.”

To counter this potential uprising a Downing Street source released the following statement,

“What about the North? We don’t need you again until 2024.”

*Name the book the list of drugs is from and you won’t win a prize!

Staying safe in education is a tricky business during the pandemic. The DfE is taking its responsibilities unseriously as usual. The Health Secretary, whose ability to be repellent is legendary, will hold back the incoming tide alone.

Even Matt Hancock cannot guard every school in the country in person. So “Classic” Dom Cummings’ DfE snitch has revealed that a technological solution is in the pipeline.

The plan is to install a holographic version of Hancock outside every school, college and university in England. His likeness will stand, hand outstretched, to stem the incoming tide in imitation of the equally successful King Canute.

This hologram will, of course, be world beating. Development is a little way off, but Boris Johnson has promised that it will be up and running by half term. To facilitate this remarkable achievement, unspeakable amounts of public money have been bestowed upon a Tory donor.

VirtualHancock v.1 will merely hold the virus back. The hotly anticipated v.2 will announce, repeatedly, in a commanding voice. “Thou shalt not pass!” Viruses, as Dr Jacob Rees-Mogg advises, understand archaic English. They will turn away instantly, rendering the school as safe as houses. Children naturally ignore every instruction they receive, and will foolishly rush in where angels fear to tread.

“Virtual public figures are big business in the EU,” claimed modern technology expert Val Vamp. “Successful projections have been trialled, and the prototype is available on the open market.”

The unspoken question is, why not buy into the existing tech instead of spaffing vast sums on something vastly inferior that doesn’t work?

“The Brits refuse to buy from the EU,” sneered Vamp. “Some nonsense about sovereignty as usual. It’s just a combination of misplaced pride and a desire to pour our hard earned taxes into their mates’ pockets.”

Schools are not taking any chances. Many are already making effigies of Hancock for bonfire night, but will happily dangle them from the school gate instead.

DON’T PANIC : THE GOVERNMENT HAS MOVED TODAY TO ASSUAGE CONCERNS that schools may become superspreaders of Covid-19.

“Clearly nonsense,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it just can’t happen. Every student and staff member at Eton was given a Covid-19 test on return, and the infected isolated. So it’s clear the important schools are now perfectly Covid secure.”

And while knowing that tomorrow’s leaders of England are at much less risk from catching Covid-19, and taking it home, has reassured many, there’s still some lingering doubts.

“Look children at boarding school aren’t going to take CV-19 home, are they? It’s blindingly obvious. Also the class sizes are much smaller and there’s plenty of outdoor space to utilise. This is really much ado about nothing.”

But what about state schools?

“What about them?”

Isn’t there a risk with colder weather soon here and class sizes of thirty or more that state schools will spread Covid-19 like wildfire?

“Well you can’t expect us to turn into a nanny state, except for Jacob of course, and shoulder the burden of balancing out the poor accident of birth that so many choose. We have a job of government to do. We’re getting Brexit done. And besides, we said schools are Covid secure, so they are. If you just believe hard enough anything is possible.”

What do you say to worried parents who have seen their children home with colds minutes after schools reopened? Unable to get a Covid-19 test. Watching anxiously to see if the child becomes feverish? Clearly if the common cold can spread then Covid-19 can too?

“Those parents should have spent less money on lattes when they were young and had the resources to send their children to Eton. It’s not our fault. Who do you think we are? The government?”

TOP OF THE CLASS: September has seen world beating school attendance. Not At Home Secretary Priti Patel boasts that is the highest it’s been for six months.

This is evidence, she claims, that the government is both bossing the EU around and conquering covid. And this time it is all legal and above board.

No figures have been massaged. The only slight untruth is omitting the fact that schools have been effectively closed since March.

“The statistics tell a story,” claimed number crunching wonk Norm Aldis Tribution. “It can only be due to leaving the EU and taking back control of creative accountancy. This is a real success story!”

In a bid to hear more empty slogans, we Zoomed Priti Patel herself.

“It is essential that children go back to school,” she said, her eyes dead behind the prop glasses from Specsavers in Barnard Castle. “We are ramping up covid and beating the children. Or is it the other way round? And does it matter? The lazy delinquents need a short, sharp shock to bring them into line, and so do their pupils.”

We asked Patel to clarify the ‘rule of six’, given that class sizes are typically the size of a small grouse shooting party.

“Children don’t count!” she said, before she could stop herself. “I mean, they don’t really get maths, because it’s boring. They don’t get covid either, according to The Science, and if a few did manage, sadly, to pop their clogs, then that’s good because we spend too much on education anyway.”

What’s the official advice now?

“Wash your virus, save the hands, kill the NHS,” she said. “Or something. I really can’t be arsed. Use your common sense. Whatever. But it is important that you get back to work if it kills you!”

Which it probably will.

If the schools are closed down again by the time No Deal Brexit kicks in, at least there will be no shortage of starved children to send up chimneys.

AN ALGORITHM DOES NOT A PRIME MINISTER MAKE : Speculation is rife in the socially distanced Westminster bubble this evening that Boris Johnson did not personally write his address to students.

“It was a little preemptive to talk about the A Level grading fiasco if you ask me,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “good thing he’s steered clear of the BTec palava. People would accuse him of an obsessive attention to detail as bad as old May’s.”

But whether or not getting involved in what was undoubtedly a traumatic experience for masses of families now, days after it’s been solved, is too soon will be for history to decide. The content of the speech is now the focus.

“Well, until we can convince the great British patriotic public that Remoaners are trying to ban scones,” the source informs, “or was it outlaw leg before in cricket on health and safety grounds? We’re still focus group testing to see which will raise the most confected outrage.”

The speech itself, clearly too soon, used phrasing that some suggest is not the prime minister’s and may have been written by someone else. Perhaps, dare someone say it, a puppet master.

“It’s the pissed as a fart? Isn’t it?” the source wondered, “and not describing drunkenness with a raft of barely understood and misapplied classical allusions? Well it’s just Boris (Al to his friends) using his famous common touch. Talking to the man, and school leavers, in terms they can understand. Hardly something to make a fuss about.”

But we will make a fuss about it or otherwise we may have to report on the fudging of statistics to do with Covid-19 deaths, the seemingly illegal handling of U.K. voters’ data and the fact that it’s bloody clear Boris Johnson never took a Scottish holiday.”

“No. Don’t do that. It will affect your social score once we’ve finished running your anonymised personal data through our algorithm. You don’t want that. Let’s just all agree that it’s not Boris Johnson’s fault, any of it, as he’s been drunk and on holiday since he moved into Number 10. Which is exactly how I want the prime minister to be.”

SHUSH NOW DON’T SAY A WORD : THE UK has a great way of keeping secrets, especially secrets of the wealthy who may not want their misdeeds widely known in the public domain. And now the Johnson government is about to level that up.

“We need all the teachers back at school,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and because we’ve been running pandemic management like the biggest democratic lottery on Earth, ie all our mates are landing windfalls, combined with a PR crisis, you can be sure that going back to school will descend into crisis.”

Is that the levelling up?

“No, don’t be silly. The levelling up will be the wide distribution of super injunction and NDA ownership. By own our estimations fully one million UK teachers, support staff and children could be the proud owners of a Baby Super Injunction by Christmas.”

Why a Baby Super Injunction? What’s the difference?

“It’s the levelling up! Many of the owners will be virtually babies.”

What will be concealed?

“Accurate rates of Covid-19 infection and transmission in schools. At least that’s the aim. We will protect the mental health of students and staff by doing our best to make sure no one knows where they caught Covid from.”

But why? That’s playing Russian roulette with people’s health?

“Did you say Russian? There’s no way we’re going to investigate that! Ha! Make the transfer comrade!”

Surely families and staff in schools need a rapid test, trace and isolate system in place to re-open schools? Most accept it’s vital for children to resume their education in as safe a manner as possible. But children don’t live in bubbles. We need to be able to move swiftly to contain outbreaks of the virus and manage risk to all.

“We do. That’s why we will be handing out super injunctions.”

Ah, so no one will know what is really going on and you can baffle them with bullshit?

“Ignorance is bliss! Trust me. I’m from the government.”

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: A new study commissioned at the taxpayers’ expense has produced this gem. The Science now says that for children, missing school is worse than having covid-19.

LCD Views has had sight of this document. Well, in fact it looks more like the back of a fag packet. Only we can’t be sure because the writing is Cyrillic. We can, however, detect traces of cheap tobacco inside. Also inside is a humorous collectable card depicting a caricature of Ian Botham.

The stench of corruption clings to the document like stale cigarette smoke. Senior Downing Street sources admit that the price tag for this outstanding piece of work was £108m.

“Send them back to school,” reads the report. “At home they will only learn how to smoke dope and watch TikTok videos. They can’t catch the fucking virus anyway. And get those lazy teachers off their arses!”

We assume this was thoroughly peer reviewed, and that the extensive case studies and clinical evidence have only been omitted to make room for the health warning. We turned the packet over, in eager anticipation of further information. However instead we discovered a portrait of Vladimir Putin, shirtless, on a horse, striking a vaguely homoerotic pose.

And that was it. 34 words. That’s over £3m a word. Which is the going rate charged by Boris Johnson.

Clearly this is an issue that has troubled the government deeply. The economy must be forced back into action, it reasons, and for that to happen people must go back to work. And that will only happen if widespread free childcare exists. The nation’s grannies are selfishly self isolating, so instead schools must reopen.

As a side note, nobody wants the economy to improve. It is in the interests of the rich people betting on a crash, and therefore in the interests of the rest of us, for the economy to fail. But the covid crisis has forced it to fail too soon. It MUST tank around Christmas for the maximum payout. Therefore it must stutter on until it is the right time to pull the plug.

Until then, schools must provide occupational therapy for millions of children, whose life chances will be defined by algorithm in any case.

Then it’s straight back to the blame game to distract from what’s really going on. “Lazy” teachers who don’t want to work in case it makes them sick. “Leftist” teachers who indoctrinate children with the wicked dogma of fairness and equal opportunities. “Militant” unions who care more about public health than the economy.

You voted for this. All of you, especially the ones who didn’t. And don’t forget, you all knew what you were voting for. Suck it up, suckers!

THE POSTCODE LOTTERY: You’ve got to be in it to win it, says the latest Cummings-nominated fall guy. Camelot aims to avoid the A level fiasco by ensuring every player – I mean, student – has the same opportunities.

“The grades need to be allocated on a completely fair basis,” claimed the fall guy, education minister Tom Foole. “It’s a level playing field, which we have not only levelled up, but ramped up. All students requesting a grade…”

What’s that? You mean have to ASK to be graded?

“Obviously,” replied Foole. “Then they must buy a ticket…”

BUY the opportunity to get a grade?

“It’s how things work,” stammered Foole, starting to look shifty now. “Tickets will be available from Monday, for only £10 each. You can buy as many as you like. The local draws are to take place on Wednesday, before the winners are announced on Thursday morning!”

Hang on. WINNERS?

“Yes, no, I mean, everyone’s a winner, aren’t they?” he improvised wildly. “I, err, misspoke. You can increase your chances though, by purchasing more than one ticket. Results will be distributed on Thursday, and there will be photo opportunities for pretty posh girls which will take place on Tuesday.”

Two days BEFORE the results are out?

“We already know which schools will get the best results,” said Foole.

Not much levelling up there.

“Obviously there will be local variations,” explained Foole. “Every LEA has historical exam data, so the balls in the local lottery machine will reflect this.”

So nothing will change. And students who have studied hard for years will be graded on the results that last year’s students were awarded.

“It’s consistent!” insisted Foole. “And easy. And the algorithm fits neatly on the back of a fag packet!”

And your mates will be creaming off the profits. This just embeds the status quo.

“Get used to it, it’s the most important lesson our minions need to learn,” said Foote harshly before exiting, pursued by a bear.

There is a bonus ball. The lucky winner gets top grades and easy opportunities for life. And the bonus ball winner is… Lord Galahad Poshington-Smythe of Eton School! Hoorah!

BIRTH BEATING : Downing Street is celebrating today, as it does every day, as it records another A* for incompetence.

“Can you imagine if we didn’t grade students like we do the cabinet?” a Downing Street source said to LCD Views, “the last measure we can use is inherent competence or dedication to hard work! That would not be reflective of government.”

So it seems the geniuses currently running the U.K. used their famous British common sense and settled on a different method to decide the immediate fate of school leavers.

“This year, because of Covid, everything is up in the air. It’s complete chaos. It’s the perfect year to reinvent the wheel. Why not experiment on school leavers? It’s not like they have anything to lose. We’ve taken away most of their future possibilities with Brexit. The algorithm was designed to take care of the rest of it.”

And take care of things the algorithm has. It really is a measure of the genius that is Dominic Cummings and chums. If the success is allowed to stand it will also ensure there is no more need to import low skilled workers.

“It’s pretty obvious that grading students by their achievements wouldn’t mirror reality. Look at the cabinet. Do you think any of them got there through talent? How would grading all students based on their actual effort and brains reflect the way the U.K. is governed? It would be a bloody disaster. The swear word progressive wouldn’t even cover it.”

But while the impact of the algorithm can not be understated, some are taking aim at Education Secretary, Gavin “fired for leaking official secrets” Williamson.

“That’s not fair,” the source defended Mr Williamson, “all he does there is sit behind a fancy desk struggling to think an original thought. This is why Dom does all the thinking for him. You can’t blame Gavin. He has our full support. He does exactly as we tell him.”

And what exactly is the magic formula in the algorithm?

“Oh, it’s a traditional British system. It grades students on their accident of birth. Which is exactly the way Mr Cummings’ administration aims to keep it.”