Category: Donald Trump

A FIREHOSE OF SHIT BY ANY OTHER NAME : KING DONALD, First of His name, King of America’s Golf Courses, Prior Owner of Trump Steaks, Chancellor of Trump University, Non-Consensual Grabber of Pussies and Mocker of the Disabled, Curiously Wealthy for A Serial Bankrupt, Owner of a Gold Toilet and Allegedly Democratically Elected President of The USA is currently living his best life.

While most of his statements are ridiculed rapidly by proven reality, his latest outburst has been confirmed as valid.

The bizarre, and entirely unprecedented event has been labelled as “a once in a lifetime” event and less probable than a one hundred year storm.

”He is not incorrect,” our team of fact checkers confirm, “when Donald Trump claimed he got more votes than America’s last monarch, King George III, he was right. In electoral terms Georgie III was a total loser.”

The observation is believed to underlie King Trump’s proclamation of himself yesterday as King Trump.

”To be fair to him few monarchs have arrived on their thrones simply by undoing some regulation intended to lower air pollution and premature deaths,” our team observed. “Most seized the throne by acts of violence. Of course King Trump tried that a few years ago and failed. So he took a surprisingly successful path back to power by standing for office again. Clearly massive social media manipulation by a wealthy donor may have had a little to do with it.”

Now that he is King speculation will clearly turn to who will inherit his throne.

”Best guess? A Russian. If Trump is allowed the negotiate it. He’ll start off by claiming he’s going to ask for Russian help securing rare earth metals and leave after signing over ownership of the United States. Because, never forget, he’s a very stable genius.”*

*King Donald’s claim to be a very stable genius rubbished by independent fact checkers.

BLEACH WILL SET YOU FREE : Great news today for the United States of the Pacific Confederation (to be) with the announcement that Donald Trump has signed an EO to protect himself from the plague he will cause while in office.

The order, which is backdated to 2020 to prove he was also immune to the first pandemic he called down from the Gods, Covid-19, grants the President “full purity of essential bodily fluids” regardless of how virulent the plague is that will result from his gutting of federal agencies so sociopathic billionaires can provide the same, but flawed, services for personal profit.

”No one has ever signed an order like this before,” Mr Trump told his client press, “when you think of all the diseases, terrible diseases, actually really quite bad diseases, that caused so much suffering in England in earlier times. And they had Kings with powers almost as great as mine. Why didn’t they protect their people like I am? Losers. Clearly DEI was a problem then too.”

While the order is in force from today it is unclear how it will be greeted by the four horseman who returned re-shod in late January.

”It’s believed Death is pleased to spare President Trump,” our Plague On All Your Houses correspondent reports, “as by sparing Donald he will remain busy to the point of overwork until the eventual collapse of what is currently known as the USA.”

Conquest is also thought to be supportive of Mr Trump’s order out of consideration for how closely he rides with Death and War.

While Hunger is said to be calmly “biding his time” for Trump to clear out the FDA, but is confident he isn’t being overlooked by the current administration.

It’s thought Mr Trump is planning a subsequent EO to give himself the power to heal by touch, but only those “loyal enough” to get closer to him than a barge pole.

WHAT WEIGHS MORE THAN A FEATHER : Great news for the huddled and confused masses this morning with the announcement that President of the United States, Donald Trump, has fixed the Declaration of Indepedence.

The document, which famously heralded the birth of the so called greatest country the world has ever seen, has long been a thorn in the side of radical thinkers, as it contains some glaring inaccuracies. Working late into the night President Trump has corrected the text.

“At approximately the time last night when Mr Trump’s handlers usually take him out to the lawn for a final wee, Mr Trump suddenly rushed back inside to the Oval Office barking excitedly,” our White House correspondent reports. “He was pursued but not in time to stop him grabbing a copy of the Declaration of Independence and shaking it madly with his teeth.”

Being a mad dog Mr Trump can’t be expected to physically write, or read, himself, but those close to him are adept at understanding what he is communicating.

“The Declaration of Independence was woke and written by losers. As such it is not fit for the new more democratic United States of America.”

Of particular concern was one of the opening phrases which declared the glaringly anti-American assertion that, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.“

It doesn’t take much to see why Mr Trump and his team had a problem with that load of commie, DEI nonsense. The revised text will make the USA’s direction of travel under Mr Trump crystal clear.

“The White House will be releasing the revised text of the document, made legal by an executive order, just as soon as Mr Trump has finished humping the leg of one of his handlers.”

Plastic. Cheap. Poor quality. Orange. And nothing like you thought you were going to get. Electing a President is like drunkenly ordering random crap off Temu at 3 o’clock in the morning.

All over the US of A, people are recovering from the mother of all hangovers and wondering why they now own a replica Panzer tank with its own built-in gun rack and sushi bar.

Somewhere, far, far away, a powerful Russian dictator is rubbing his hands with glee. “Americans, they will buy any old rubbish!” he chuckles, and orders another online advertising blitz.

He who pays the piper calls the tune, and Trump is merrily dancing to Putin’s dog-whistle. He has already officially banned intellectuals, rainbows, and stone walls.

All this demonstrates is that Putin has a sense of humour. His appointee, described in some quarters as “Like Dubya from Wish”, lacks the common sense or awareness to realise that he is a puppet deployed for comic effect. He puts the constant pain in his arse down to age, not to the hand that controls him.

This gives Putin a problem. He has four long years to maintain this circus, and to ensure that enough of Trump’s remaining sanity remains intact. He sees the danger of Trump actually losing his last remaining marble, and becoming a slobbering object of pity like Joe Biden. Although he has the failsafe of Vice-President JD Vance, whose job is to concentrate on vice.

Luckily Putin doesn’t need to feed words to Trump. He can mangle the English language like nobody else, it’s the best language, it was spoke before time began, as you all know, with the words, the very best words, that words string out like string and it unravels, like I said, and the threads, the very best threads, which I myself made, tied together for all eternity.

Is it possible to return a President and get your money back?

No Man Is An Island Some Are Trash Cans : Incoming insurrectionist, and somehow US President Elect Donald Trump, has spoken of how he intends to leave his mark on the world in his second, and longest, term as President.

”Not many people know this,” he posted on his personal information fistula today, “no one has ever seen a void like it. It’s just the greatest void. We’ve got the numbers here. It’s bigger than the biggest hole ever. And I’m it.”

The Presidential statement was regarding The Gulf of Mexico, which Mr Trump claims was “renamed by a cat to upset me personally.”

Never one to turn the other cheek Donald is determined to set the world to his rights.

”On the first day in office, just after I invade Greenland, Blueland, Redland and the mental asylum they keep Doctor Lectern in, he really needs a pardon, just the greatest doctor. And (mental drift)…after I take possession of the deeds of Pamela, I will be renaming the Gulf of Mexico.”

The renaming will happen at a ceremony at Mar-a-Lago, during which a long line of obscenely wealthy men will drop suitcases full of cash at Mr Trump’s feet, so they can take the money into the afterlife.

”The Gulf of Mexico will be known forever after as The Gulf of Trump because in our hearts we’re the same.”

VERY STABLE GENIUSES : The world is breathing a deep sigh of relief today with the announcement that Donald Trump’s best friend, Elon Musk, is to “take care” of the nuclear codes for him.

There had been speculation that the president elect was perhaps a little more unpredictable than the first time he had hold of the big red button, and he might smash it during a middle of the night tweet storm. But news that the responsibility for ending life on earth will be shared with someone younger, smarter, fitter and more productive has been the balm sought.

“Elon is definitely not a Bond style super villain,” a spokesman for the Kremlin told LCD Views, “and we trust him entirely to coordinate Armageddon with like minded friends.”

Other global capitals also expressed their approval of the arrangement, such as North Korea, Iran and China.

“It will be good to have Mr Trump back in the club,” a North Korean spokesperson told the UN. “We had been worried that we might not get any warning that it was time to go completely crazy and have a mushroom cloud party, but now we feel assured that if the party is happening, we won’t be the last to know.”

Whether or not Mr Trump is aware of the arrangement is yet to be ascertained as he is currently undergoing treatment to have British absentee MP, Nigel Farage, removed from his rectum. Again.

“As soon as the doctors have extricated Mr Farage from Mr Trump’s backside Elon will be in to see him and let him know that he won’t have to take care of the nuclear button all alone,” a GOP representative said, before ducking off to get on their knees and pray for the rapture.

Any concerns that Mr Trump may resist the arrangement were countered with the simple question of, “If not Elon, then who will pay for Mr Trump’s re-election campaign for 2028? If anyone is still alive on Earth. Clearly. That is yet to determined.”

DON’T TAKE A FENCE: The announcement from Mexico’s Foreign & American Office follows hot on the heels of the news that the USA has had a collective brain fart and re-elected Donald Trump. Already there is chaos on the border.

The Mexican minister, Juan Dirección, is assembling all Mexico’s police, vigilantes, and angry men with sticks at the border to keep out people fleeing the States in fear for their lives. Luckily for them, the people in question are American.

There are absolute scenes along the full length of the border. Hundreds of people are trying to swarm across the border in inflatable dinghies. LCD’s American correspondent, Hank O’Hare, went to find out why.

“We keep up with the English news, bud,” claimed one fleeing American. “We watch your GB News all the time, it’s almost as good as Fox!”

So why are you crossing a land border in a boat?

“‘Cause we heard that it’s the only way!” said the would-be refugee. “That great man, Nigel Forage, said that the only way to stop refugees is to stop the boats. So I figured that you gotta have a boat. He’s a great man, Nigel Forage!”

He rowed off, the exertions of his crew eventually moving the boat forward a couple of millimetres.

Meanwhile the Mexicans stood by laughing. Occasionally one took a pot-shot at a dinghy to deflate the boat and the optimism of its occupants.

O’Hare tried another man. Who are you, and why are you fleeing, he asked.

“Hi! Ah’m Chuck Ittaway!” said the interviewee proudly. “Ah’m escaping the reds under the bed!”

Who did you vote for?

“Ah voted for Donald Trump, of course! Terrible man, but what cud Ah do? Ah jist cuddn’t bring meself to vote for a wimmin!”

The Americans stopped trying to row, and set up a massive BBQ party instead. The police, vigilantes, and angry men with sticks busied themselves with building the wall to stave off boredom.

THE HUMAN STAIN : Former US President Donald Trump famously cut a deal with the Taliban while everyone was distracted and looking merrily to the end of his presidency. He left a legacy which none can deny.

Now that the current US President Joe Biden has followed through on that Trump deal (presumably because America at home is currently so screwed up he just can’t be bothered with that Afghanistan problem?) people are starting to wonder if the Taliban will be reliable international partners.

Which to anyone who’s paid attention to the movement over the last couple of decades is a rhetorical question.

“Clearly if you’re a man it’s going to go better,” a Trump aide told LCD Views. “That’s about all Trump cares about anyway. Actually, just one man. Himself. He’s not exactly known as a feminist either, is he? Remember that classic ‘grab ’em by the pussy’ tape? And he still got elected. The mind boggles. The deal is also probably fairly handy for the Russians, Chinese and whatever Gulf State countries Trump maybe owes a favour too. It’s just not going to be great for women. Oh, and a lot of men. And children. Basically it’ll likely be civil war in Afghanistan still and we’ll be reinvading next week. But it’s still a good deal. Just a great deal.”

And rumour has it that Trump is so impressed by his legacy he’s going to put someone else’s money where his mouth was.

“We’ll be opening Trump towers Kabul real soon,” the aide advises. “It’s going to be tallest building in Kabul. Just the biggest. Afghanis have never seen a building that big! Not many people know this, but Donald Trump builds the biggest buildings on Earth. Everywhere. He’s built the biggest in New York and Moscow. Now he’s going to build the biggest in Kabul. Come and stay. Everyone will be welcome. Well, except for the women. But no one much cares about that. We don’t do intervention anymore.”

NEWS FROM THE S-BEND : Former President of the Americas Donald Trump has some spare time on his hands these days, what with only legal, financial, marital, health and political problems to contend with. So he’s found a new project to keep himself busy.

“He’s standing to be Mayor of London,” an aide to the Orange Skinned Shitgibbon told LCD Views. “Not many people know this, but Donald Trump is more popular in London than he is in Narnia.”

The news of Mr Trump’s official entry into the Mayoral race of England’s capital city was made earlier today via his Twitter account.

“The timing of the announcement is no coincidence,” the aide told us. “He saw that younger version of Farage is standing, the failed actor who failed at music? What’s his name? It doesn’t matter. It’ll be on the ballot paper. And he saw Piers Corbyn is standing and that absolute fake news merchant Bailey someone. He thought why not me? It’s like a cosmic event of bellends. The gravity is drawing them all in.”

But while Drumpf’s candidacy isn’t a complete surprise, given his popularity levels with bottlers of English urine, some suggest there maybe an ulterior motive.

“The current U.K. government loves Russian money. Donald Trump loves Russia money. Donald Trump needs a lot of it. Some suspect he’s just following his nose. And with Britain Trump and his latest girlfriend making Downing Street look like a special kind of entertainment palace, Mr Trump will feel right at home.”

LOOKING FOR TIPS : Leader of the free world Donald Trump is set to grace Buckingham Palace again this spring after accepting an invitation from Britain’s mini-Trump, Boris Johnson.

Rumours of the gold standard, world beating invitation to the former president began circulating on anti-social media over the weekend, but because Donald Trump asked Twitter to close his account he wasn’t there to confirm or deny it.

10 Downing Street wasn’t giving the game away either, playing a blinder with a dead cat about a submarine, tourist walkway over the WW2 munitions dump in the Irish Sea.

“It’s part of the owning the libs agenda,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the stink it is going to cause? And not just from Londoners storing up their wee in the hope of throwing bottles of gold at Trump. Universities are going to be forced at gunpoint to teach students about how Donald Trump and Boris Johnson together saved the Western hemisphere from democracy.”

The decision to invite the man who made America grate again to the UK is also seen as a key poke in the eye to the EU.

“They’ll have to settle with Biden. But we all know that just as soon as Donald Trump deals with the backlog of federal prosecutions coming his way, and settles the estimated $1.1bn he owes to his very understanding creditors, he’ll be running for president in 2024 because what could keep the ageing cardiac in waiting down? Other than the prosecutions, unpaid debt and obesity?”

It’s believed also that Mr Johnson and Mr Trump will have a lot to talk about, and not just infidelity. They also have histories of racist comments to bond over, dodgy foreign backers and hair, hair, hair.

“This will secure the USUKA trade deal. Liz Truss will be allowed to stand in the room hugging a Union Jack flag at one point, just for her social media accounts. But Boris and Donald will be talking turkey, because that’s the only kind of voter whoever votes for them.”