Category: Donald Trump

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PANIC INSTEAD : Everybody’s favourite peacemaker, Donald Trump, is said to be fretting in a bunker (golf bunker) today after realising his latest war against Iran maybe his last.

“He’s said to be sheltering in place,” a Whitehouse insider told LCD Views, “he doesn’t know who he can bomb next? He’s worried he’s running out of time and as an old man in a hurry that’s a terrifying thought.”

President Trump has come out swinging since being returned to The Oval Office on a platform of peacemaking, economic growth and being horrific to anyone that wasn’t in a frat house with his senior leadership.

“He’s grabbed the world by the genitals and he’s incredibly pleased about the lack of consent involved,” the insider continued, “just in his flow state right now and probably one of the happiest men on earth. Just the biggest numbers. But if he can’t bomb another country soon he’ll get knocked off course and what would people think of him then? That’s he’s gone soft. He needs to keep up the big dick energy, which isn’t easy when you consider what Stormy said about him.”

Suggestions he could go after North Korea next have been dismissed as unfeasible because “it’s a totalitarian state” and you don’t go about “dropping even little bombs on your heroes.”

“I suspect we’ll get into a huddle and work it out. There will be another oil rich country that needs to be bombed back into the stone age to align with President Trump’s soul. Potentially another which also has a server holding the unredacted Epstein Files. So they’ll need to be eliminated as a threat to America also. You can’t access the internet if you don’t have no internet left.”

We did ask FIFA for comment about the warmongering of their first Peace Prize winner but they declined to comment, being too busy lining up immigration lawyers to haul most of the world’s football players out of ICE facilities in the upcoming tournament.

TERMINAL VELOCITY : The USA’s GREATEST SERVING PRESIDENT, Donald Trump, has today announced the rechristening of North America’s largest waterfall.

It seems the President was considering lower school geography books looking for new places to build additional Trump towers, when he happened to notice Niagara Falls. Which sounds distinctly foreign.

”For too long foreigners have been naming our GREATEST WATER FEATURES!” the President took to the ironically named Truth Social to declare, “this stops TODAY! SLEEPY JOE BIDEN did NOT STOP NICARAGUANS FROM CROSSING OUR BOREEDERS ILLEGALLY and naming our rivers. I HAVE PUT AN END TO THIS TODAY. Niagara Falls is now called AMERICA FALLS!!!”

But just renaming the iconic water feature is not enough. Mr Trump is determined it will also now only carry “110% AMERCIAN H2O!”

”OUr wonderful Homeland Sexurity officers are hereby instructed to seize all foreign water falling onto the USA with the aim of polluting our rivers. Only American water will be allowed to fall off America Falls! THIS IS FINAL.”

In addition to the “purification” of the water it is understood Mr Trump is using crayons to draw up a plan to stop the water leaving the USA.

”The province of Canada must immediately give BACK TO THE USA all of Lake Erie and stop its toilets POURING maple syrup into OUR GREATEST LAKE.”

Which will tomorrow also be renamed, as Lake America, just so everything is clear.

51st STATE OF THE NATION: Donald Trump has reluctantly conceded losing the Canadian election. With his characteristic bigly good grace, he dubbed them ‘woke liberal communist losers’.

“Canada are losers!” he announced at an impromptu news conference. Independent observers noted how his podium resembled the bar at one of his MAGA-Lago golf courses. “We will build the wall that I tore down yesterday, all my troubles are so far away, so far away, like Canada, now there will be tariffs, the greatest tariffs, the bestest bigly tariffs, 5 million percent on maple syrup, tariffs that Biden was too weak to even think of. Pancakes, which I invented, not many people know that, yet the wokies want to ban them, woke infecting the world, which was round, remember, until I told them better, the woke mind virus infecting the universities and the schools and the schools of fish. The Dart of the Eel. Remember the fish, that’s important, thanks for all the fish, BAN SHARKS NOW!”

The sun shone brightly upon the golf course, as Trump’s loyal squadron of caddies scoured the course for all the golf balls that Trump had lost, and which they had replaced in suspiciously advantageous positions. Their tans resembled that of their great leader, the hours of exposure to the elements giving them a healthy glow. Only their tans didn’t glow in the dark. Even to handle one of the President’s balls was a capital offence in the kingdom of The Donald. Offenders were incarcerated instantly, unless they were unlucky and had to listen to one of the President’s speeches first.

Canada may have won the battle, but they lost at golf since Trump named his opponent Canada while cheating to victory.

And Canada has vowed to rebuild the wall that never was, to keep out fleeing Americans.

THE TOECUTTER : The last President of the United States of America and a man who can’t even run a casino profitably, Donald Trump, has given a press conference today in defence of his victim blaming policy on the war in Ukraine.

“Zelenskyy’s dress is too short,” Mr Trump told a handpicked selection of press, while some tech billionaire gurned in the background, “and he shouldn’t be walking alone at night anyway. It’s not the fault of the attacker. He was provoked into it by Mr Zelenskyy’s hem line.”

The press conference was held in the expectation of deflecting from Mr Trump’s apparent strategy to allow Russia to win its war of genocide and aggression.

“Look, I want the noble piece prize and I don’t care how many Ukrainians have to die avoidably before I get it. It’s mine! IT’S MINE! MINE! MINE!” Mr Trump clarified, and did a very good impression of Violet Beauregarde while he was at it. Although Violent Disregard maybe a more apt handle in the present.

But while the decision to address criticism directly certainly shows Mr Trump has the volume of bile needed to destroy the world, there remain one or two questions over why everything he does seems to benefit Mr Putin. Even, heaven forbid, the suggestion that Donald Trump is a Russian asset?

To those Mr Trump simply shrugged, gave his biggest and most inane grin and replied, “I’m just following orders.”

BRIGHTER THAN A BABOON’S BACKSIDE : GREAT NEWS today for people wondering why interim President of the United States, Donald Trump, is so keen on exploiting the desperate struggle for survival of Ukraine for personal gain.

For days now the entirety of the Western liberal order has puzzled over why President Trump has seemingly switched sides and now backs Russia in its genocidal invasion of its neighbour.

“It’s minerals,” our geological analyst reports, “Ukraine is heaving with Orangetanium. A rare earth metal that is the ingredient in the bronzer Mr Trump uses to keep his trademark orange glow. The other component of the product is pig fat.”

But while the discovery of the Orangetanium mineral deposits explains Mr Trump’s desire to cut a deal where Ukraine gives him everything he wants, Russia everything its President for Life wants, and nothing in exchange for Ukraine, people are still left wondering how a sitting US President could betray his allies.

“Orangetanium is toxic in high doses,” our expert explains, “if used over a long period it can lead to all sorts of mental behaviour. Things like sexual assault, inability to even run a casino, illiteracy, temper tantrums befitting a spoiled three year old brat and an addiction to self-grandiosity devoid of evidence.”

While the downside of an addiction to Orangetanium is self-evident, it does have some benefits for heavy users.

“It forms a sort of force field on the user’s face. Strong enough to deflect any semblance of self-awareness. Really any quality that makes someone human in the best sense. Extended exposure will lead to fascism and an unstoppable return to an early childlike state wherein the addict hears his father bullying him repeatedly and mimics that in his daily behaviour. Oh, and did I mention an inability to even run a casino? Yeah. Not advisable to allow someone like that to run your economy.”

A FIREHOSE OF SHIT BY ANY OTHER NAME : KING DONALD, First of His name, King of America’s Golf Courses, Prior Owner of Trump Steaks, Chancellor of Trump University, Non-Consensual Grabber of Pussies and Mocker of the Disabled, Curiously Wealthy for A Serial Bankrupt, Owner of a Gold Toilet and Allegedly Democratically Elected President of The USA is currently living his best life.

While most of his statements are ridiculed rapidly by proven reality, his latest outburst has been confirmed as valid.

The bizarre, and entirely unprecedented event has been labelled as “a once in a lifetime” event and less probable than a one hundred year storm.

”He is not incorrect,” our team of fact checkers confirm, “when Donald Trump claimed he got more votes than America’s last monarch, King George III, he was right. In electoral terms Georgie III was a total loser.”

The observation is believed to underlie King Trump’s proclamation of himself yesterday as King Trump.

”To be fair to him few monarchs have arrived on their thrones simply by undoing some regulation intended to lower air pollution and premature deaths,” our team observed. “Most seized the throne by acts of violence. Of course King Trump tried that a few years ago and failed. So he took a surprisingly successful path back to power by standing for office again. Clearly massive social media manipulation by a wealthy donor may have had a little to do with it.”

Now that he is King speculation will clearly turn to who will inherit his throne.

”Best guess? A Russian. If Trump is allowed the negotiate it. He’ll start off by claiming he’s going to ask for Russian help securing rare earth metals and leave after signing over ownership of the United States. Because, never forget, he’s a very stable genius.”*

*King Donald’s claim to be a very stable genius rubbished by independent fact checkers.

BLEACH WILL SET YOU FREE : Great news today for the United States of the Pacific Confederation (to be) with the announcement that Donald Trump has signed an EO to protect himself from the plague he will cause while in office.

The order, which is backdated to 2020 to prove he was also immune to the first pandemic he called down from the Gods, Covid-19, grants the President “full purity of essential bodily fluids” regardless of how virulent the plague is that will result from his gutting of federal agencies so sociopathic billionaires can provide the same, but flawed, services for personal profit.

”No one has ever signed an order like this before,” Mr Trump told his client press, “when you think of all the diseases, terrible diseases, actually really quite bad diseases, that caused so much suffering in England in earlier times. And they had Kings with powers almost as great as mine. Why didn’t they protect their people like I am? Losers. Clearly DEI was a problem then too.”

While the order is in force from today it is unclear how it will be greeted by the four horseman who returned re-shod in late January.

”It’s believed Death is pleased to spare President Trump,” our Plague On All Your Houses correspondent reports, “as by sparing Donald he will remain busy to the point of overwork until the eventual collapse of what is currently known as the USA.”

Conquest is also thought to be supportive of Mr Trump’s order out of consideration for how closely he rides with Death and War.

While Hunger is said to be calmly “biding his time” for Trump to clear out the FDA, but is confident he isn’t being overlooked by the current administration.

It’s thought Mr Trump is planning a subsequent EO to give himself the power to heal by touch, but only those “loyal enough” to get closer to him than a barge pole.

WHAT WEIGHS MORE THAN A FEATHER : Great news for the huddled and confused masses this morning with the announcement that President of the United States, Donald Trump, has fixed the Declaration of Indepedence.

The document, which famously heralded the birth of the so called greatest country the world has ever seen, has long been a thorn in the side of radical thinkers, as it contains some glaring inaccuracies. Working late into the night President Trump has corrected the text.

“At approximately the time last night when Mr Trump’s handlers usually take him out to the lawn for a final wee, Mr Trump suddenly rushed back inside to the Oval Office barking excitedly,” our White House correspondent reports. “He was pursued but not in time to stop him grabbing a copy of the Declaration of Independence and shaking it madly with his teeth.”

Being a mad dog Mr Trump can’t be expected to physically write, or read, himself, but those close to him are adept at understanding what he is communicating.

“The Declaration of Independence was woke and written by losers. As such it is not fit for the new more democratic United States of America.”

Of particular concern was one of the opening phrases which declared the glaringly anti-American assertion that, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.“

It doesn’t take much to see why Mr Trump and his team had a problem with that load of commie, DEI nonsense. The revised text will make the USA’s direction of travel under Mr Trump crystal clear.

“The White House will be releasing the revised text of the document, made legal by an executive order, just as soon as Mr Trump has finished humping the leg of one of his handlers.”

Plastic. Cheap. Poor quality. Orange. And nothing like you thought you were going to get. Electing a President is like drunkenly ordering random crap off Temu at 3 o’clock in the morning.

All over the US of A, people are recovering from the mother of all hangovers and wondering why they now own a replica Panzer tank with its own built-in gun rack and sushi bar.

Somewhere, far, far away, a powerful Russian dictator is rubbing his hands with glee. “Americans, they will buy any old rubbish!” he chuckles, and orders another online advertising blitz.

He who pays the piper calls the tune, and Trump is merrily dancing to Putin’s dog-whistle. He has already officially banned intellectuals, rainbows, and stone walls.

All this demonstrates is that Putin has a sense of humour. His appointee, described in some quarters as “Like Dubya from Wish”, lacks the common sense or awareness to realise that he is a puppet deployed for comic effect. He puts the constant pain in his arse down to age, not to the hand that controls him.

This gives Putin a problem. He has four long years to maintain this circus, and to ensure that enough of Trump’s remaining sanity remains intact. He sees the danger of Trump actually losing his last remaining marble, and becoming a slobbering object of pity like Joe Biden. Although he has the failsafe of Vice-President JD Vance, whose job is to concentrate on vice.

Luckily Putin doesn’t need to feed words to Trump. He can mangle the English language like nobody else, it’s the best language, it was spoke before time began, as you all know, with the words, the very best words, that words string out like string and it unravels, like I said, and the threads, the very best threads, which I myself made, tied together for all eternity.

Is it possible to return a President and get your money back?