Category: Donald Trump

VERY STABLE GENIUSES : The world is breathing a deep sigh of relief today with the announcement that Donald Trump’s best friend, Elon Musk, is to “take care” of the nuclear codes for him.

There had been speculation that the president elect was perhaps a little more unpredictable than the first time he had hold of the big red button, and he might smash it during a middle of the night tweet storm. But news that the responsibility for ending life on earth will be shared with someone younger, smarter, fitter and more productive has been the balm sought.

“Elon is definitely not a Bond style super villain,” a spokesman for the Kremlin told LCD Views, “and we trust him entirely to coordinate Armageddon with like minded friends.”

Other global capitals also expressed their approval of the arrangement, such as North Korea, Iran and China.

“It will be good to have Mr Trump back in the club,” a North Korean spokesperson told the UN. “We had been worried that we might not get any warning that it was time to go completely crazy and have a mushroom cloud party, but now we feel assured that if the party is happening, we won’t be the last to know.”

Whether or not Mr Trump is aware of the arrangement is yet to be ascertained as he is currently undergoing treatment to have British absentee MP, Nigel Farage, removed from his rectum. Again.

“As soon as the doctors have extricated Mr Farage from Mr Trump’s backside Elon will be in to see him and let him know that he won’t have to take care of the nuclear button all alone,” a GOP representative said, before ducking off to get on their knees and pray for the rapture.

Any concerns that Mr Trump may resist the arrangement were countered with the simple question of, “If not Elon, then who will pay for Mr Trump’s re-election campaign for 2028? If anyone is still alive on Earth. Clearly. That is yet to determined.”

DON’T TAKE A FENCE: The announcement from Mexico’s Foreign & American Office follows hot on the heels of the news that the USA has had a collective brain fart and re-elected Donald Trump. Already there is chaos on the border.

The Mexican minister, Juan Dirección, is assembling all Mexico’s police, vigilantes, and angry men with sticks at the border to keep out people fleeing the States in fear for their lives. Luckily for them, the people in question are American.

There are absolute scenes along the full length of the border. Hundreds of people are trying to swarm across the border in inflatable dinghies. LCD’s American correspondent, Hank O’Hare, went to find out why.

“We keep up with the English news, bud,” claimed one fleeing American. “We watch your GB News all the time, it’s almost as good as Fox!”

So why are you crossing a land border in a boat?

“‘Cause we heard that it’s the only way!” said the would-be refugee. “That great man, Nigel Forage, said that the only way to stop refugees is to stop the boats. So I figured that you gotta have a boat. He’s a great man, Nigel Forage!”

He rowed off, the exertions of his crew eventually moving the boat forward a couple of millimetres.

Meanwhile the Mexicans stood by laughing. Occasionally one took a pot-shot at a dinghy to deflate the boat and the optimism of its occupants.

O’Hare tried another man. Who are you, and why are you fleeing, he asked.

“Hi! Ah’m Chuck Ittaway!” said the interviewee proudly. “Ah’m escaping the reds under the bed!”

Who did you vote for?

“Ah voted for Donald Trump, of course! Terrible man, but what cud Ah do? Ah jist cuddn’t bring meself to vote for a wimmin!”

The Americans stopped trying to row, and set up a massive BBQ party instead. The police, vigilantes, and angry men with sticks busied themselves with building the wall to stave off boredom.

THE HUMAN STAIN : Former US President Donald Trump famously cut a deal with the Taliban while everyone was distracted and looking merrily to the end of his presidency. He left a legacy which none can deny.

Now that the current US President Joe Biden has followed through on that Trump deal (presumably because America at home is currently so screwed up he just can’t be bothered with that Afghanistan problem?) people are starting to wonder if the Taliban will be reliable international partners.

Which to anyone who’s paid attention to the movement over the last couple of decades is a rhetorical question.

“Clearly if you’re a man it’s going to go better,” a Trump aide told LCD Views. “That’s about all Trump cares about anyway. Actually, just one man. Himself. He’s not exactly known as a feminist either, is he? Remember that classic ‘grab ’em by the pussy’ tape? And he still got elected. The mind boggles. The deal is also probably fairly handy for the Russians, Chinese and whatever Gulf State countries Trump maybe owes a favour too. It’s just not going to be great for women. Oh, and a lot of men. And children. Basically it’ll likely be civil war in Afghanistan still and we’ll be reinvading next week. But it’s still a good deal. Just a great deal.”

And rumour has it that Trump is so impressed by his legacy he’s going to put someone else’s money where his mouth was.

“We’ll be opening Trump towers Kabul real soon,” the aide advises. “It’s going to be tallest building in Kabul. Just the biggest. Afghanis have never seen a building that big! Not many people know this, but Donald Trump builds the biggest buildings on Earth. Everywhere. He’s built the biggest in New York and Moscow. Now he’s going to build the biggest in Kabul. Come and stay. Everyone will be welcome. Well, except for the women. But no one much cares about that. We don’t do intervention anymore.”

NEWS FROM THE S-BEND : Former President of the Americas Donald Trump has some spare time on his hands these days, what with only legal, financial, marital, health and political problems to contend with. So he’s found a new project to keep himself busy.

“He’s standing to be Mayor of London,” an aide to the Orange Skinned Shitgibbon told LCD Views. “Not many people know this, but Donald Trump is more popular in London than he is in Narnia.”

The news of Mr Trump’s official entry into the Mayoral race of England’s capital city was made earlier today via his Twitter account.

“The timing of the announcement is no coincidence,” the aide told us. “He saw that younger version of Farage is standing, the failed actor who failed at music? What’s his name? It doesn’t matter. It’ll be on the ballot paper. And he saw Piers Corbyn is standing and that absolute fake news merchant Bailey someone. He thought why not me? It’s like a cosmic event of bellends. The gravity is drawing them all in.”

But while Drumpf’s candidacy isn’t a complete surprise, given his popularity levels with bottlers of English urine, some suggest there maybe an ulterior motive.

“The current U.K. government loves Russian money. Donald Trump loves Russia money. Donald Trump needs a lot of it. Some suspect he’s just following his nose. And with Britain Trump and his latest girlfriend making Downing Street look like a special kind of entertainment palace, Mr Trump will feel right at home.”

LOOKING FOR TIPS : Leader of the free world Donald Trump is set to grace Buckingham Palace again this spring after accepting an invitation from Britain’s mini-Trump, Boris Johnson.

Rumours of the gold standard, world beating invitation to the former president began circulating on anti-social media over the weekend, but because Donald Trump asked Twitter to close his account he wasn’t there to confirm or deny it.

10 Downing Street wasn’t giving the game away either, playing a blinder with a dead cat about a submarine, tourist walkway over the WW2 munitions dump in the Irish Sea.

“It’s part of the owning the libs agenda,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the stink it is going to cause? And not just from Londoners storing up their wee in the hope of throwing bottles of gold at Trump. Universities are going to be forced at gunpoint to teach students about how Donald Trump and Boris Johnson together saved the Western hemisphere from democracy.”

The decision to invite the man who made America grate again to the UK is also seen as a key poke in the eye to the EU.

“They’ll have to settle with Biden. But we all know that just as soon as Donald Trump deals with the backlog of federal prosecutions coming his way, and settles the estimated $1.1bn he owes to his very understanding creditors, he’ll be running for president in 2024 because what could keep the ageing cardiac in waiting down? Other than the prosecutions, unpaid debt and obesity?”

It’s believed also that Mr Johnson and Mr Trump will have a lot to talk about, and not just infidelity. They also have histories of racist comments to bond over, dodgy foreign backers and hair, hair, hair.

“This will secure the USUKA trade deal. Liz Truss will be allowed to stand in the room hugging a Union Jack flag at one point, just for her social media accounts. But Boris and Donald will be talking turkey, because that’s the only kind of voter whoever votes for them.”

YOU’RE FIRED : WHILE THERE APPEAR TO BE SOME WINNERS emerging out of the US political matrix, following their general election last year, not everyone is looking forward to a great year.

And one group of performance artists in particular are staring down the barrel of unemployment for the rest of 2021.

“Melania Trump lookalikes are heading for the welfare queues,” our White House correspondent notes, “it’s unlikely Donald Trump will make good the most recent invoices, and that’s a shame. Bigly.”

The cast of lookalikes playing the first lady has swollen over the last couple of years as the actual First Lady devoted more and more time to ripping out trees planted by her predecessors.

“Even while the pandemic has caused a downturn in the performing arts, those canny artists who specialised in Melania sailed through 2020 only seeing their working hours increase. To play a Melania is a niche talent which involves not moving any facial muscles at all, accept for one brief grimace each performance. Some would say that is too shallow a pool of talent, but it perfectly mirrors the exact skills needed by the real Melania to keep Donald happy whatever he demands.”

But industry experts are keen to point out that the downturn will be only temporary.

A top US actors agency told LCD Views – “The Melania’s should all stay active and in training. Probably get some voice coaching too. Once the pandemic is over there will be dozens of Trump bios and re-imaginings going into production and being a fake Melania will again be a golden meal ticket.”

OCCUPATION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW: The outgoing President of the USA may not in fact be going anywhere. He is alleged to be plotting to sit in the Oval Office, claim squatters rights, and dare anyone to contradict him. 

Normally this kind of announcement would be made through the medium of his hyperactive twitter account. Now that even twitter has had enough of him, he has reverted to telling “a source close to the President”. 

LCD Views’ wholly owned American subsidiary, Y’all Views (registered in the Cayman Islands, it’s all totally legal and above board, totally) reports that the insurrection is far from over. 

“Donald Trump is moving into Phase 2 of his master plan,” says Permanent Donald Trump correspondent Shi T. Gibbon. “Our source says, and I quote, ‘I have all the winnings, the best winnings, and the Oval Office is mine by right, bigly, I won the election whatever the Fake News Media say, and I will remain in the Oval Office as long as there are loyal gun freaks to support me. MAGA! MAGA!’ So there you have it from the horse’s mouth, I mean the source’s mouth.”

Gibbon also reveals that Trump has mobilised a militia to support his sit-in. These MAGA-hatted (horns are an acceptable substitute) desperados will storm the White House three times a day to bring him a Big Mac, coke, and supersize fries. 

What are the consequences for the new administration? “I think that Biden will simply bypass the problem,” said Gibbon. “There is a contingency plan to cordon off the Oval Office from the rest of the White House. Trump can have his little kingdom, and the rest of us will move forward.”

It sounds like Global Britain, sitting in splendid isolation while the rest of the world gets on with life around it. 

We can only look forward to 2024 when Boris Johnson will stage a sit-in at 10 Downing Street. 

ROGUE’S RETREAT : FADING UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS “PLAGUE” JOHNSON has been forced to divert his attention away from battling Covid today and address international issues.

This should cause no alarm, as many experts believe if Boris Johnson hadn’t been involved the UK would have already recovered.

And the reason for the wrenching away of Johnson’s famous laser like focus is the rumour circulating in the UK media that Mr Johnson has offered to assist Donald Trump, should the later need to leave the USA in a hurry.

Gossip amongst Westminster insiders say that Mr Johnson has phoned Mr Trump to ask if he would like a room prepared at Barnard Castle.

“Barnard Castle is where all the rogues run to,” our foreign affairs specialist comments, “it’s where Lord Lucan currently resides. Harold Holt, that missing Australian PM, he’s there. Oh, and Dominic Cummings is known to frequent it whenever his eyesight blurs. Donald Trump will feel right at home.”

But while the accommodation will certainly be acceptable to a Trump on the run, there are additional whispers that Mr Trump is showing a little lack of self awareness.

“He’s demanding Barnard Castle be renamed Trump Castle Barnard, which has taken the PM back a bit, as that’ll just confuse his mate Cummings when he enters the address into his SatNav. Never mind the additional demand that the ramparts are repainted gold, to give them some of that Trump class.”

But it must be noted that these rumours have been denied by 10 Downing Street who insist that Barnard Castle remains a Nightingale Optometrists focused on the eye tests which are required to recover from Covid.

ASSANGING HIS WOUNDED PRIDE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT AND INSURRECTION SUSPECT DONALD TRUMP has hinted at his next moves.

While attempts to foment civil war by his supporters will presumably continue, even after Joe Biden and Kamala Harris take office, Mr Trump is no fool and is also building up contingencies for failure.

“Donald is used to failure,” an insider in the Trump team told LCD Views, “he’s been failing at everything his entire adult life. Good thing his lines of credit are so, um, sound.”

And he’ll be drawing on those robust credit lines to pay for an extended stay in a small basement room in Lonon should the alleged coup not succeed.

“He’s already sent a Whatsapp to the concierge of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London,” the insider told LCD Views, “and set out his room service requirements. There’s plenty of McDonalds in London. Food should not be an issue.”

What the staff at the Ecuadorean Embassy think about the plans of Mr Trump to come and stay aren’t clear, even if they are used to people on the run turning up and lodging. Sometimes for years.

The decision to choose the Ecuadorean Embassy in London has taken some by surprise, with many pundits expecting him to flee to his Scottish golf course. Or even Russia, although no one can say why.

“At least Donald’s great British friend Nigel will know where to find him easily, so he can continue to come around and ass kiss,” the insider said, “and so long as they are prepared to provide him with a mini-golf course, I think everyone will get along just fine.”

A PRINCELY DEFENCE : EMBATTLED US PRESIDENT DONALD “MAD ORANGE JOBBY” TRUMP is said to be taking royal inspiration as he prepares his defence against likely charges of involvement in insurrection.

And he’ll need to be swift about it, given that one of his ridiculous sons has posted a video of himself and friends partying as the insurrection took place. Partying while watching the insurrection…

“Maybe they just presumed it would all be alright on the day?” our Washington insider wonders, “after all the people involved on the ground in the so called spontaneous event were even wearing merchandise.”

But it’s best to be prepared and no one will be able to accuse Trump of being tardy about illegalities of the worst occurs.

“He’a going to claim he was having dinner with friends at Pizza Express Woking,” our correspondent says, “at least that’s what unconfirmed leaks from the Oval Office say. He’ll probably go further and say he’s been there for the entire term he is said to have been president. Which he will also deny soon.”

It’s clearly a good defence, just so long as Laura “scuffles” Kuenssberg is reporting on it and not Emily Maitliss.

“He’ll also claim that he has a medical condition which means he can’t sweat,” our imaginary man on the ground says, “as a result of his experience with bone spurs dodging the Vietnam War draft. But that is a little odd, because if he isn’t sweating right now, he should be.”