Category: Democracy

PEERLESS PEERAGES : 10 Downing Street has reacted to the minor storm in a shitcup that is peerages today by publishing a price list.

The list will list (unsurprisingly) all the minor and major gongs and what they cost, and which major currencies are accepted.

Happily though peerages can be bought under “other means of exchange” whereby middling, underachieving individuals who are seething with unjustified resentment at the achievements of more talented colleagues can achieve fancy titles if they whore themselves out morally in the service of modern feudalism and mammon.

“The bonus for those types is they don’t even have to apply. We will identify them via psychometrics and offer them titled advancement so long as they are willing to be lackeys for the chaos engine. Easy,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“For others though it is no longer sufficient to just let the free market in titles decide the cost. We’ve gone all crazy socialist and intervened to bring fairness and stability to the market. A level playing field wherein anyone with vast wealth can achieve the title of their dreams. Which is reassuringly conservative.”

Although the more upfront and honest approach to honours under the Johnson government is to be welcomed, some have expressed concerns regarding the weakening of the democratic validity of the upper House of Parliament.

“You do realise it’s entirely unelected?” the Downing Street source replied. “Which is exactly how we like it, otherwise chums like Goldsmith wouldn’t have gotten a peerage.”

RULE OF FLAW : Once you lose your standards you’ve got nothing to lose and all to gain. This truism is the essential bedrock of governance in Boris Johnson’s Brexitannia. And even if you have all to lose, you don’t, because there are no longer any consequences. Which is nice, for some.

“It makes holding inquiries into accusations of breaches of codes and breaking of laws a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if the wrongdoing is so egregious we can’t possibly not find the accused guilty it doesn’t matter, we will just excuse the behaviour. The legal sector would go out of business tomorrow if the courts were run like Johnson’s Court. Happily for lawyers the double standards don’t apply to the plebs. Pay that parking fine or we’ll ruin you. Ruin our democracy and we’ll enrich you. Really enrich you if you can supply um, ah, PPE. Ha! Ha! Fucking plebs! Thanks! Ha! Ha! Ha! See how it works?”

Many do see how it works and the issue of zero consequences and a free for all for the powerful is becoming to feel more than a little feudal.

”Feudal is the right word. That’s Brexit for you. Thanks for letting it happen. What’s it like to be ruled by idiots who are fleecing the country and laughing in your face while they do it? No. Don’t tell me. I’ve got to WhatsApp Matt about some PPE, meet Priti behind the lockers to wedgie a subordinate and pay a gold wallpaper supplier.”

ALL BREAKAGES MUST BE PAID FOR: Codebreaker extraordinaire Matt Hancock is trying to wriggle away from trouble again. His defence is that, on this occasion, the breakage was small and controlled. 

In modern terms, breaking the ministerial code in a specific and limited way carries a consequence. This is likely to be a pat on the head and a pay rise. 

Every sycophant and rentagobshite in the Conservative Party managed to drag their snout out of the magic money trough long enough to defend him. On the corruption scale, failing to notice that you own shares in your sister’s company while pushing piles on cash in her direction, apparently does not rank very highly. 

“It’s vital to place these events in context,” waffled one such arselicker, Lord Puceface of Gammon. “This may, technically, have been a slight breach, but it’s hardly a crime to support the family business, even without realising it.”

So this isn’t a resigning matter? 

“Oh my goodness, no!” exclaimed His Lordship. “One only resigns for really serious offences, like saying something positive about the EU, or having a crack at Princess Nut Nuts while Boris is off rogering one of his regular fillies.” 

Does it not bother you that Hancock has siphoned off public money to his own sister, and then pretended not to know about it? 

“We are talking a paltry few mill here,” replied Puceface. “A trifling sum, easily overlooked. Now I have known young Hancock since he was a little boy, he works tirelessly for this country and only greases palms when it’s absolutely necessary. Nobody died, that’s what we must focus upon. There is no victim here!” 

Apart from UK taxpayers, and the reputation of the government and the UK. 

Maybe Hancock should be sacked in a specific and limited way. After all, he only does his job in a specific and limited way. 

DETONATE THE SMART DOMB : 10 Downing Street has responded to the damning accusations of the Prime Minister’s former advisor Dominic Cummings.

In a press conference in the Rose Garden a short time ago the Prime Minister’s rental dog, Dylin, moved to alleviate pressure on the embattled PM.

“Woof woof woof woof,” the hourly rate canine said, in what critics immediately declared a rehearsed speech.

Whether or not the show of support by Dylin will be enough to see him rehired is anyone’s guess, but it’s clearly nice to see man’s best friend stand by him, even when he’s a rental. Just like the PM.

Tory MPs though have been quick to crawl around the press holding photos of the prime minister’s bulging arse and licking them in the hope of becoming Health Secretary.

It’s not clear if Mr Cummings’ explosive testimony will make amends for being thick enough to help someone so clearly incompetent into Downing Street. But it’s believed his genuine claim to actually be pretty thick himself and a complete fantasist “who couldn’t cope with reality and power at the same time” will help.

“It was a multi-layered performance by Dom,” a Westminster insider said. “Plea bargain, blame shift, vengeance, palace coup and doing the work of whoever he really works for all at once. Will it be enough to get him off the hook? Doubt it. But it’s nice to see him put the boot in all the same. Hell hath no fury like a superforecaster who didn’t forecast his own political end!”

For his part Michael Gove has offered the PM his full support, which clearly means he and Ms Gove are preparing to move into No. 10.

THE SMIRK THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHITS : The Home Secretary is not one to allow professionals to languish under well founded accusations of inappropriate behaviour, bullying or breaking codes of conduct.

In an exclusive interview with the bull dog of Sunday morning chat shows, Andrew Marr, she defended yet another high profile figure who has come in for more than his fair share of stick.

“Well you know Andrew that I have the utmost respect for everyone in the medical profession,” Ms Patel stated, when asked about the ongoing accusations of cannibalism surrounding the psychologist Doctor Hannibal Lecter. “It is very stressful treatin’ disturbed individuals and sometimes decisions have to be made quick.”

Mr Marr wasn’t letting her off so easy though.

“But are fava beans really the most appropriate choice of legume to eat with a human liver? Or indeed offal from any source? You must admit there are serious questions to be asked also about the decision to use fine bone China?”

Ms Patel laid a lengthy smirk on Mr Marr. Disarming him with her world beating charm.

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually, when he ate that liver,” Ms Patel repeated herself.

“But he wasn’t merely eating the census taker’s liver. He was working and consuming alcohol at the same time. Isn’t it possible that this behaviour isn’t entirely professional and less than should be expected?”

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually,” Ms Patel reiterated once more, as if caught in a time loop, “When he ate that liver. With a nice Chianti.”

“Well if you think Chianti is the right wine we will have to leave it there. Although I would have gone for a Boudreaux.”

A recipe was then posted for viewers at home in case they also were mildly irritated when taking a census. Oh, and instruction for where to source the vintage of your choice.

WORLD BEATING HOLIDAYING : The UK’s greatest living viral Prime Minister is on the receiving end of a never ending deluge of plaudits, and he adds another trophy to the cabinet today.

A study into his holidays has revealed he really pulled out the stops to take his mistress at the time to Mustique.

“He did everything he did, whatever that was,” the lead author on the study tells LCD Views. “It must have been impressive, given that he still refuses to say who actually paid for the luxury break and underreported its value in the official register.”

The holiday was certainly needed as he had to get her strength for the coming trials he would face while Prime Minister, and many hope after he’s been prime minister.

“You don’t mismanage a pandemic without a good rest first. You don’t move the woman you cheated on your last wife with into 10 Downing Street without some time relaxing on a boat. And you certainly can’t witness the miracle of birth with a partner showing no visible signs of pregnancy unless you’ve had some serious down time.”

Clearly Mr Johnson’s MPs have formed a protective square around him over the secretly funded holiday and are determined to keep him in post.

“There’s so many snouts in the trough with Johnson as PM everyone has to do everything they can to keep it that way until all the public’s money has been shifted out to accounts in island paradises. It’s a nice symmetry to the holiday that is now a scandal.”

The study does hold out one angle of support for the Prime Minister.

“They’re maybe nothing too much to learn about the five star break,” the researcher floats, “just who are you pathetic little plebs to question the decisions of the world king? Know your place. It is not yours to question why, it is yours to stay home and die. Which leads us back to the pandemic and Mr Johnson’s lethal mismanagement. Let’s call that the Mustique variant.”

TEXT 4 CASH : Consistency is key to good government. The people need to be governed, not always well I grant you, but governed all the same. And consistency is a benchmark. Some are consistently good while others are predictably terrible. So long as the people know what is being served up they will be happy. Otherwise they may rise up. Or they may commit voter fraud.

“Happily the occurrence of voter fraud in the U.K. is about the size and scale of the violin being played in sympathy for David Cameron,” The Minister for Fraud told LCD Views. “Which is welcome. I have my work cut out already creating all the other fraud!”

But just because a problem does not exist is no reason not to solve it.

“I’m glad the PM has decided to solve the issue before it occurs. It is completely out of character for him too. Voter prophylactics and Johnson? Who’d have thunk it. The photo ID problem will ensure no one ever votes illegally again. It will also dramatically decrease the number of people voting. That will mean even less fraud. It’s a stroke of genius.”

For anyone concerned though that disadvantaged people may effectively be stripped of their inalienable right to vote, the Minister for Fraud has some encouraging words.

“Work harder. Better yourself. Once you achieve that dream car you’ll need a driving licence. Problem solved. Once you begin bi-annual holidays to France you’ll need a passport. Again, problem solved. Needing photo ID to vote is no different from needing Matt Hancock’s phone number to get a PPE contract. If you’ve got it, you’ll get it, if you don’t? You don’t deserve it.”

If you can pay to play, you’ll never be disenfranchised in Brexitannia. The people have decided. Increasingly less of them will decide in future, granted.

STATE SECRETS : Downing Street is to fulfil its promise to crackdown on the rampant problem of voting fraud in U.K. ballots.

While overseas dark money interfering in British democracy isn’t seen as an issue, the one person who attempted to impersonate someone a few years back, and got caught, is seen as indicative of a chronic issue.

“Everyone is getting into a flap over ID cards and completely missing the extreme benchmark we’ve now set,” a disgruntled 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “The question section which must now be completed successfully to even gain entry to a polling station makes our electoral security the toughest on Earth.”

What is your favourite colour is one of the questions, and should prove passable for all but the indecisive. But the other question is a killer.

“What are the names of all of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s children?” the source grins. “No one is going to be able to answer it. We’ve completely stitched up the ballot box. It’s genius.”

But critics have suggested that Downing Street may have been too clever by half. Several have suggested that it’s possible even the PM himself won’t be able to answer.

”That’s no problem. He’ll just break the new rule. There will be an inquiry after he’s re-elected to office with 100% of the vote. Months. Maybe years after. And even if he’s found to have broken the law nothing will happen at all.”

The Mother of Parliaments, setting standards post Brexit others can only dream of following.

IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING : Boris Johnson is to do every undecided voter in his country a massive favour this week by solving the dilemma for them forever.

In what is being viewed as a natural extension of the ideology driving Brexit the PM is to make a few obvious moves forward in The Queen’s Speech.

“Obviously requiring voters to have a British fish under their arm when they arrive at the polling station will boost the booming fishing industry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too photo proof of membership of your local Conservative Party. That not only gives you the right to vote but gives you two extra votes. This proves the PM rewards loyalty.”

But the other big change is the one regarding how the office of prime minister itself is to be viewed going forward.

“He signalled the direction of travel with the lavish wallpaper. Now he’s making it clear how he will govern.”

Clear in the sense of a new bill which has been called ‘The Divine Right to Rule’. The legislation is only a few lines long but makes it clear that Mr Johnson will now govern legally as absolute monarch. And God approves.

“It’ll take a weight off the old Queen’s mind too. Any questions about residual power in the monarchy and how it should be used will be settled forever.”

But critics of the move say it speaks of overreach.

“Surely the PM should produce papers proving his lineage goes back to Alfred the Great first? He could just make it up. The newspapers will sell it as truth for him. Just ask the good people of Hartlepool! A lot of them clearly believe anything.”

It’s unlikely Mr Johnson will bother with dodgy paperwork as the time to become the King of not only England, but Scotland, is now.

“That’s so he can be the last one.”