Category: Democracy

SPORT OF KINGS : Tory MPs are up in arms today after they received yet another thrashing at the hands of people they assume are their inferiors.

It’s been a rough run of late for the team at CCHQ United as time after time they’ve come up against a single footballer and been thrashed. Many had said they should have conceded the School Meals Cup to Marcus Rashford and kept their dignity intact, but they were ignored. Repeatedly. The next decision to seek payback in a winner take all contest over anti-racism protests pitted Johnson and his team of donkeys against the entire English football team. The result went against the plucky squad of MPs from Little England, even with a whole squad of hard right gobshite ringers in the media establishment on their side.

There are not yet public rumours of a need to change the management at CCHQ, but that doesn’t mean many aren’t looking at their bluffer in chief and wondering if someone capable of forecasting further than their next alcoholic beverage may be a better strategist?

While the whiteboard is put up and the pens grabbed to form a new strategy undaunted Tory MPs are taking to social media as if they weren’t just thrashed completely yesterday.

“The demand for footballers to keep out of politics and stick to football is an understandable one,” a source inside CCHQ told LCD Views. “We can’t take it anymore. They keep handing us our arses! Who knew they would be so good at politics?”

Other sources are suggesting that if the MPs are so keen to spare their blushes and keep footballers out of the political arena they might try governing the country with an ounce of compassion for those less fortunate? But that is unlikely to be advice that is heeded and more rematches, and more thrashings for the Tories are expected.

STRONG AND STABLE SLOGANS : HOT on the HEELS of the SEX scandals and ministerial marriage BUST UPS the governing Conservative Party of England has been hit with a furore over its proposed new slogan.

The party of government has slowed its slogan production noticeably since genius, wonder, megabrain Dominic Cummings left Mr Johnson’s employment to pursue his lifelong ambition of winning the “No Shit Sherlock Awards” by revealing nothing that surprises anyone. And it seems the Cons are missing his magic touch when it comes to snappy, brain fogging catchphrases.

“It’s bafflingly long,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “it’s almost like an act of sabotage. How are our supporters going to process all that? It’s a far cry from the genius of Get Brexit Done! Three words. That’s all you need to take absolute power and keep it.”

However party insiders with a better handle on nuance appear to have other reasons for disliking the new slogan.

“They think it’s too honest,” the insider admits. “Vote Tory – It could be the last thing you do? It’s a clear reference to our pandemic policies and the one or two avoidable deaths that have happened as a result.”

Whether or not the people responsible for the new slogan will agree to modify it isn’t exactly clear though.

“They must be chasing the Freudian Slip Award? Mind you, given Mr Johnson’s announcement regarding the 19th of July I don’t think they’ll win it. We’re no longer concealing what we think of the value of the average voter’s life.”

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATES : Many feared that the era of Sajid Javid as Health Secretary would be a mysterious one, with people left to wonder why him? Maybe it won’t be so bad? He was the guy who resigned on principle after all when Dominic Cummings was Prime Minister. Happily the mystery has already been solved and it seems clear what Mr Javid is about.

“It’s great,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We can now fully embrace the pandemic policy we wanted from the start of the pandemic. It’s a policy that is a meme. You know the one? Some of you may die, and I’m alright with that. The rest of the world is impressed.”

As part of seeing through the decision to remove all restrictions in just a couple of weeks Mr Javid isn’t wasting any time making changes.

“He’s going to save the taxpayer an absolute tonne,” the source continues, “He’s merging the offices of The Department of Health and Social Care with The Daily Mail. That way they can share resources and it will make announcing policy changes much faster. He won’t even have to pick up the phone to the editor. He’ll just shout across the corridor. Or the editor will shout at him. It’s not clear which direction the decisions travel in.”

The change is expected to also bring tangible benefits in the manipulation of public opinion, as the hospitals begin to overflow with virus patients once more.

“People are letting the government down. It’s really tiresome. We’re going to let them make their own decisions about how to keep the strangers they encounter fleetingly safe from the invisible killer. So it will be the public’s fault. It’s all good. Sajid feels this is the right way to do things so that’s all the validation you need. We’ve had enough of those meddling scientists! The CRG are right behind him. You know them, they used to be the ERG. They’ve done exactly the same amount of research into the pandemic, and how to end it swiftly, as they did into Brexit. You can sleep soundly, unless you’re coughing of course.”

We have to learn to live with the virus, according to Mr Javid, which will be an excellent comfort to the 150,000+ who failed to do that. Strong and stable public health policies. If you want them you need a disaster capitalist.

HARD RAIN : Downing Street is said to be expecting a “tense and explosive” atmosphere today when the Prime Minister wakes up for lunch and learns of the Batley and Spen by election loss.

Aides to the PM are said to be drawing up a list of punishments for the constituency after the promise to fund something something something failed to secure sufficient votes to put another nodding dog in the House of Commons for the Conservatives.

“We’re doubly baffled. We had that idiot in the hat and the other guy who makes video blogs campaigning against Labour too, but somehow Jo Cox’s sister still beat us. Maybe we didn’t mention the vaccine roll out enough on the doorstep? Maybe the mistake is allowing by elections we might lose to take place at all? Did Libdem and Green voters betray us in numbers sufficient to steal the election? Something will have to be done. This is not the parliamentary democracy we staged a right wing coup for,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

Exactly who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him of the loss is yet to be decided. It’s likely Mr Johnson’s current wife will put all the names of the SPADs in a hat and then draw one out.

“The constituency will pay, you can be sure of it,” the source adds. “Personally I prefer letting Trident have at them. Let’s just remove the constituency from the board with a mushroom cloud. That would be a sufficient warning to other areas thinking of doing the same.”

The most likely punishment though will be more patriotic.

“Gove wants to ban them flying the Union Flag for a week. That’s something that would really hurt a modern potatriot. We’ll probably go with that. Imagine the look on the Spen kids faces when they have to take a remote lesson at home, due to the pandemic bubble bursting, and there’s no Union Flag behind their teacher on zoom? Ouch!”

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM: People born overseas should not hold public office, according to Dido Harding. A true British Parliament should contain only British-born members. 

This makes perfect sense in the wake of her NHS comments. It is only fair and indeed consistent to apply the rule of eugenics to the Mother of all Parliaments. 

As is normal with such pronouncements, Harding has not thought through the implications. Her statement was aimed directly at the xenophobia of the gutter press reading numpties to create outrage, and no further. Just as she “forgot” that the NHS has always relied upon overseas labour, she “forgot” that the Prime Minister was not born in the UK. 

It is clear that Harding thinks that an American of Turkish descent is not fit to be an MP, let alone PM. This is true, but has nothing to do with his ethnic makeup. 

Naturally LCD Views wished to have the PM’s view on the matter. “Well, yes, no, hello there, cogito ergo sum, wiff waff, is it too early for champers?” came the reply from the Number Ten spokesman. “This is, erm, erm, erm, well, yes, no, I can categorically confirm that, erm, erm, erm, that our vaccine rollout is completely world beating, and we could only do that because we left the EU, erm, erm, erm, caveat emptor, wiff waff, thank you and goodbye!” 

So that’s all cleared up. 

Send Them Home Secretary Priti Patel has been tasked with deporting all foreign-born MPs. Home Office guidelines state that “any individual who, in the opinion of the Home Secretary, looks or sounds a bit foreign, shall be subject to instant deportation and having their pants pulled down for a laugh.” 

You can expect Johnson’s pants to be burning in world beating fashion. 

LEGAL FOM : THE UK’S PRIME MINISTER IS NO SLOUCH when it comes to his own interests and he’s going to prove it again with proposed changes to the legal powers of the Electoral Commission.

Currently the commission has a scandalous overreach in its powers where it can interrupt the PM’s long lunches to ask who paid for his curtains? And perhaps even call him to account over it. This is an intolerable situation which all patriots will concur must come to an end.

“Can you imagine the intrustion?” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You’ve just finished the lobster thermidor and you’re eagerly anticipating the rib eye, with a side of sautee’d baby pangolins, and some desperate SPAD bursts in to say a girly swot is demanding to know how the £500K sofa was paid for? It’s ruining the governance of the entire country. Once doesn’t scale the heights just to be bored senseless by nerds banging on about rules and laws and zzzzz.”

But critics of the proposed changes have said it’s just for show as “no one in government is called to account for anything anymore anyway, no matter how egregious the rule breaking” adding, “even Priti Patel, who was found to be running her own foreign policy agenda and sacked was then made Home Secretary. When arguably she should have been run out of politics all together”.

It is hoped though that by demonstrating great flexibility with the laws that govern the United Kingdom, and changing them to suit the lifestyles of the rich and powerful – as has been successfully trialled all through the pandemic – that the EU will take note.

“If the EU can get with the programme and be as flexible with their laws as we are with ours than we can make a great success of Brexit.”

But just in case anyone is wondering how their day to day life maybe impacted, Downing Street has some words of comfort, “Don’t worry. If you’re a pleb and you’ve an unpaid parking fine your life is still there to be ruined by anyone who pleases.”

PEERLESS PEERAGES : 10 Downing Street has reacted to the minor storm in a shitcup that is peerages today by publishing a price list.

The list will list (unsurprisingly) all the minor and major gongs and what they cost, and which major currencies are accepted.

Happily though peerages can be bought under “other means of exchange” whereby middling, underachieving individuals who are seething with unjustified resentment at the achievements of more talented colleagues can achieve fancy titles if they whore themselves out morally in the service of modern feudalism and mammon.

“The bonus for those types is they don’t even have to apply. We will identify them via psychometrics and offer them titled advancement so long as they are willing to be lackeys for the chaos engine. Easy,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“For others though it is no longer sufficient to just let the free market in titles decide the cost. We’ve gone all crazy socialist and intervened to bring fairness and stability to the market. A level playing field wherein anyone with vast wealth can achieve the title of their dreams. Which is reassuringly conservative.”

Although the more upfront and honest approach to honours under the Johnson government is to be welcomed, some have expressed concerns regarding the weakening of the democratic validity of the upper House of Parliament.

“You do realise it’s entirely unelected?” the Downing Street source replied. “Which is exactly how we like it, otherwise chums like Goldsmith wouldn’t have gotten a peerage.”

RULE OF FLAW : Once you lose your standards you’ve got nothing to lose and all to gain. This truism is the essential bedrock of governance in Boris Johnson’s Brexitannia. And even if you have all to lose, you don’t, because there are no longer any consequences. Which is nice, for some.

“It makes holding inquiries into accusations of breaches of codes and breaking of laws a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if the wrongdoing is so egregious we can’t possibly not find the accused guilty it doesn’t matter, we will just excuse the behaviour. The legal sector would go out of business tomorrow if the courts were run like Johnson’s Court. Happily for lawyers the double standards don’t apply to the plebs. Pay that parking fine or we’ll ruin you. Ruin our democracy and we’ll enrich you. Really enrich you if you can supply um, ah, PPE. Ha! Ha! Fucking plebs! Thanks! Ha! Ha! Ha! See how it works?”

Many do see how it works and the issue of zero consequences and a free for all for the powerful is becoming to feel more than a little feudal.

”Feudal is the right word. That’s Brexit for you. Thanks for letting it happen. What’s it like to be ruled by idiots who are fleecing the country and laughing in your face while they do it? No. Don’t tell me. I’ve got to WhatsApp Matt about some PPE, meet Priti behind the lockers to wedgie a subordinate and pay a gold wallpaper supplier.”

ALL BREAKAGES MUST BE PAID FOR: Codebreaker extraordinaire Matt Hancock is trying to wriggle away from trouble again. His defence is that, on this occasion, the breakage was small and controlled. 

In modern terms, breaking the ministerial code in a specific and limited way carries a consequence. This is likely to be a pat on the head and a pay rise. 

Every sycophant and rentagobshite in the Conservative Party managed to drag their snout out of the magic money trough long enough to defend him. On the corruption scale, failing to notice that you own shares in your sister’s company while pushing piles on cash in her direction, apparently does not rank very highly. 

“It’s vital to place these events in context,” waffled one such arselicker, Lord Puceface of Gammon. “This may, technically, have been a slight breach, but it’s hardly a crime to support the family business, even without realising it.”

So this isn’t a resigning matter? 

“Oh my goodness, no!” exclaimed His Lordship. “One only resigns for really serious offences, like saying something positive about the EU, or having a crack at Princess Nut Nuts while Boris is off rogering one of his regular fillies.” 

Does it not bother you that Hancock has siphoned off public money to his own sister, and then pretended not to know about it? 

“We are talking a paltry few mill here,” replied Puceface. “A trifling sum, easily overlooked. Now I have known young Hancock since he was a little boy, he works tirelessly for this country and only greases palms when it’s absolutely necessary. Nobody died, that’s what we must focus upon. There is no victim here!” 

Apart from UK taxpayers, and the reputation of the government and the UK. 

Maybe Hancock should be sacked in a specific and limited way. After all, he only does his job in a specific and limited way.