Category: Democracy

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATES : Many feared that the era of Sajid Javid as Health Secretary would be a mysterious one, with people left to wonder why him? Maybe it won’t be so bad? He was the guy who resigned on principle after all when Dominic Cummings was Prime Minister. Happily the mystery has already been solved and it seems clear what Mr Javid is about.

“It’s great,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We can now fully embrace the pandemic policy we wanted from the start of the pandemic. It’s a policy that is a meme. You know the one? Some of you may die, and I’m alright with that. The rest of the world is impressed.”

As part of seeing through the decision to remove all restrictions in just a couple of weeks Mr Javid isn’t wasting any time making changes.

“He’s going to save the taxpayer an absolute tonne,” the source continues, “He’s merging the offices of The Department of Health and Social Care with The Daily Mail. That way they can share resources and it will make announcing policy changes much faster. He won’t even have to pick up the phone to the editor. He’ll just shout across the corridor. Or the editor will shout at him. It’s not clear which direction the decisions travel in.”

The change is expected to also bring tangible benefits in the manipulation of public opinion, as the hospitals begin to overflow with virus patients once more.

“People are letting the government down. It’s really tiresome. We’re going to let them make their own decisions about how to keep the strangers they encounter fleetingly safe from the invisible killer. So it will be the public’s fault. It’s all good. Sajid feels this is the right way to do things so that’s all the validation you need. We’ve had enough of those meddling scientists! The CRG are right behind him. You know them, they used to be the ERG. They’ve done exactly the same amount of research into the pandemic, and how to end it swiftly, as they did into Brexit. You can sleep soundly, unless you’re coughing of course.”

We have to learn to live with the virus, according to Mr Javid, which will be an excellent comfort to the 150,000+ who failed to do that. Strong and stable public health policies. If you want them you need a disaster capitalist.

HARD RAIN : Downing Street is said to be expecting a “tense and explosive” atmosphere today when the Prime Minister wakes up for lunch and learns of the Batley and Spen by election loss.

Aides to the PM are said to be drawing up a list of punishments for the constituency after the promise to fund something something something failed to secure sufficient votes to put another nodding dog in the House of Commons for the Conservatives.

“We’re doubly baffled. We had that idiot in the hat and the other guy who makes video blogs campaigning against Labour too, but somehow Jo Cox’s sister still beat us. Maybe we didn’t mention the vaccine roll out enough on the doorstep? Maybe the mistake is allowing by elections we might lose to take place at all? Did Libdem and Green voters betray us in numbers sufficient to steal the election? Something will have to be done. This is not the parliamentary democracy we staged a right wing coup for,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

Exactly who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him of the loss is yet to be decided. It’s likely Mr Johnson’s current wife will put all the names of the SPADs in a hat and then draw one out.

“The constituency will pay, you can be sure of it,” the source adds. “Personally I prefer letting Trident have at them. Let’s just remove the constituency from the board with a mushroom cloud. That would be a sufficient warning to other areas thinking of doing the same.”

The most likely punishment though will be more patriotic.

“Gove wants to ban them flying the Union Flag for a week. That’s something that would really hurt a modern potatriot. We’ll probably go with that. Imagine the look on the Spen kids faces when they have to take a remote lesson at home, due to the pandemic bubble bursting, and there’s no Union Flag behind their teacher on zoom? Ouch!”

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM: People born overseas should not hold public office, according to Dido Harding. A true British Parliament should contain only British-born members. 

This makes perfect sense in the wake of her NHS comments. It is only fair and indeed consistent to apply the rule of eugenics to the Mother of all Parliaments. 

As is normal with such pronouncements, Harding has not thought through the implications. Her statement was aimed directly at the xenophobia of the gutter press reading numpties to create outrage, and no further. Just as she “forgot” that the NHS has always relied upon overseas labour, she “forgot” that the Prime Minister was not born in the UK. 

It is clear that Harding thinks that an American of Turkish descent is not fit to be an MP, let alone PM. This is true, but has nothing to do with his ethnic makeup. 

Naturally LCD Views wished to have the PM’s view on the matter. “Well, yes, no, hello there, cogito ergo sum, wiff waff, is it too early for champers?” came the reply from the Number Ten spokesman. “This is, erm, erm, erm, well, yes, no, I can categorically confirm that, erm, erm, erm, that our vaccine rollout is completely world beating, and we could only do that because we left the EU, erm, erm, erm, caveat emptor, wiff waff, thank you and goodbye!” 

So that’s all cleared up. 

Send Them Home Secretary Priti Patel has been tasked with deporting all foreign-born MPs. Home Office guidelines state that “any individual who, in the opinion of the Home Secretary, looks or sounds a bit foreign, shall be subject to instant deportation and having their pants pulled down for a laugh.” 

You can expect Johnson’s pants to be burning in world beating fashion. 

LEGAL FOM : THE UK’S PRIME MINISTER IS NO SLOUCH when it comes to his own interests and he’s going to prove it again with proposed changes to the legal powers of the Electoral Commission.

Currently the commission has a scandalous overreach in its powers where it can interrupt the PM’s long lunches to ask who paid for his curtains? And perhaps even call him to account over it. This is an intolerable situation which all patriots will concur must come to an end.

“Can you imagine the intrustion?” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You’ve just finished the lobster thermidor and you’re eagerly anticipating the rib eye, with a side of sautee’d baby pangolins, and some desperate SPAD bursts in to say a girly swot is demanding to know how the £500K sofa was paid for? It’s ruining the governance of the entire country. Once doesn’t scale the heights just to be bored senseless by nerds banging on about rules and laws and zzzzz.”

But critics of the proposed changes have said it’s just for show as “no one in government is called to account for anything anymore anyway, no matter how egregious the rule breaking” adding, “even Priti Patel, who was found to be running her own foreign policy agenda and sacked was then made Home Secretary. When arguably she should have been run out of politics all together”.

It is hoped though that by demonstrating great flexibility with the laws that govern the United Kingdom, and changing them to suit the lifestyles of the rich and powerful – as has been successfully trialled all through the pandemic – that the EU will take note.

“If the EU can get with the programme and be as flexible with their laws as we are with ours than we can make a great success of Brexit.”

But just in case anyone is wondering how their day to day life maybe impacted, Downing Street has some words of comfort, “Don’t worry. If you’re a pleb and you’ve an unpaid parking fine your life is still there to be ruined by anyone who pleases.”

PEERLESS PEERAGES : 10 Downing Street has reacted to the minor storm in a shitcup that is peerages today by publishing a price list.

The list will list (unsurprisingly) all the minor and major gongs and what they cost, and which major currencies are accepted.

Happily though peerages can be bought under “other means of exchange” whereby middling, underachieving individuals who are seething with unjustified resentment at the achievements of more talented colleagues can achieve fancy titles if they whore themselves out morally in the service of modern feudalism and mammon.

“The bonus for those types is they don’t even have to apply. We will identify them via psychometrics and offer them titled advancement so long as they are willing to be lackeys for the chaos engine. Easy,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“For others though it is no longer sufficient to just let the free market in titles decide the cost. We’ve gone all crazy socialist and intervened to bring fairness and stability to the market. A level playing field wherein anyone with vast wealth can achieve the title of their dreams. Which is reassuringly conservative.”

Although the more upfront and honest approach to honours under the Johnson government is to be welcomed, some have expressed concerns regarding the weakening of the democratic validity of the upper House of Parliament.

“You do realise it’s entirely unelected?” the Downing Street source replied. “Which is exactly how we like it, otherwise chums like Goldsmith wouldn’t have gotten a peerage.”

RULE OF FLAW : Once you lose your standards you’ve got nothing to lose and all to gain. This truism is the essential bedrock of governance in Boris Johnson’s Brexitannia. And even if you have all to lose, you don’t, because there are no longer any consequences. Which is nice, for some.

“It makes holding inquiries into accusations of breaches of codes and breaking of laws a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if the wrongdoing is so egregious we can’t possibly not find the accused guilty it doesn’t matter, we will just excuse the behaviour. The legal sector would go out of business tomorrow if the courts were run like Johnson’s Court. Happily for lawyers the double standards don’t apply to the plebs. Pay that parking fine or we’ll ruin you. Ruin our democracy and we’ll enrich you. Really enrich you if you can supply um, ah, PPE. Ha! Ha! Fucking plebs! Thanks! Ha! Ha! Ha! See how it works?”

Many do see how it works and the issue of zero consequences and a free for all for the powerful is becoming to feel more than a little feudal.

”Feudal is the right word. That’s Brexit for you. Thanks for letting it happen. What’s it like to be ruled by idiots who are fleecing the country and laughing in your face while they do it? No. Don’t tell me. I’ve got to WhatsApp Matt about some PPE, meet Priti behind the lockers to wedgie a subordinate and pay a gold wallpaper supplier.”

ALL BREAKAGES MUST BE PAID FOR: Codebreaker extraordinaire Matt Hancock is trying to wriggle away from trouble again. His defence is that, on this occasion, the breakage was small and controlled. 

In modern terms, breaking the ministerial code in a specific and limited way carries a consequence. This is likely to be a pat on the head and a pay rise. 

Every sycophant and rentagobshite in the Conservative Party managed to drag their snout out of the magic money trough long enough to defend him. On the corruption scale, failing to notice that you own shares in your sister’s company while pushing piles on cash in her direction, apparently does not rank very highly. 

“It’s vital to place these events in context,” waffled one such arselicker, Lord Puceface of Gammon. “This may, technically, have been a slight breach, but it’s hardly a crime to support the family business, even without realising it.”

So this isn’t a resigning matter? 

“Oh my goodness, no!” exclaimed His Lordship. “One only resigns for really serious offences, like saying something positive about the EU, or having a crack at Princess Nut Nuts while Boris is off rogering one of his regular fillies.” 

Does it not bother you that Hancock has siphoned off public money to his own sister, and then pretended not to know about it? 

“We are talking a paltry few mill here,” replied Puceface. “A trifling sum, easily overlooked. Now I have known young Hancock since he was a little boy, he works tirelessly for this country and only greases palms when it’s absolutely necessary. Nobody died, that’s what we must focus upon. There is no victim here!” 

Apart from UK taxpayers, and the reputation of the government and the UK. 

Maybe Hancock should be sacked in a specific and limited way. After all, he only does his job in a specific and limited way. 

DETONATE THE SMART DOMB : 10 Downing Street has responded to the damning accusations of the Prime Minister’s former advisor Dominic Cummings.

In a press conference in the Rose Garden a short time ago the Prime Minister’s rental dog, Dylin, moved to alleviate pressure on the embattled PM.

“Woof woof woof woof,” the hourly rate canine said, in what critics immediately declared a rehearsed speech.

Whether or not the show of support by Dylin will be enough to see him rehired is anyone’s guess, but it’s clearly nice to see man’s best friend stand by him, even when he’s a rental. Just like the PM.

Tory MPs though have been quick to crawl around the press holding photos of the prime minister’s bulging arse and licking them in the hope of becoming Health Secretary.

It’s not clear if Mr Cummings’ explosive testimony will make amends for being thick enough to help someone so clearly incompetent into Downing Street. But it’s believed his genuine claim to actually be pretty thick himself and a complete fantasist “who couldn’t cope with reality and power at the same time” will help.

“It was a multi-layered performance by Dom,” a Westminster insider said. “Plea bargain, blame shift, vengeance, palace coup and doing the work of whoever he really works for all at once. Will it be enough to get him off the hook? Doubt it. But it’s nice to see him put the boot in all the same. Hell hath no fury like a superforecaster who didn’t forecast his own political end!”

For his part Michael Gove has offered the PM his full support, which clearly means he and Ms Gove are preparing to move into No. 10.

THE SMIRK THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHITS : The Home Secretary is not one to allow professionals to languish under well founded accusations of inappropriate behaviour, bullying or breaking codes of conduct.

In an exclusive interview with the bull dog of Sunday morning chat shows, Andrew Marr, she defended yet another high profile figure who has come in for more than his fair share of stick.

“Well you know Andrew that I have the utmost respect for everyone in the medical profession,” Ms Patel stated, when asked about the ongoing accusations of cannibalism surrounding the psychologist Doctor Hannibal Lecter. “It is very stressful treatin’ disturbed individuals and sometimes decisions have to be made quick.”

Mr Marr wasn’t letting her off so easy though.

“But are fava beans really the most appropriate choice of legume to eat with a human liver? Or indeed offal from any source? You must admit there are serious questions to be asked also about the decision to use fine bone China?”

Ms Patel laid a lengthy smirk on Mr Marr. Disarming him with her world beating charm.

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually, when he ate that liver,” Ms Patel repeated herself.

“But he wasn’t merely eating the census taker’s liver. He was working and consuming alcohol at the same time. Isn’t it possible that this behaviour isn’t entirely professional and less than should be expected?”

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually,” Ms Patel reiterated once more, as if caught in a time loop, “When he ate that liver. With a nice Chianti.”

“Well if you think Chianti is the right wine we will have to leave it there. Although I would have gone for a Boudreaux.”

A recipe was then posted for viewers at home in case they also were mildly irritated when taking a census. Oh, and instruction for where to source the vintage of your choice.