Category: Democracy

The UK’s newest Secretary of State for Education has taken to the job with gusto by ordering all schools in the United Kingdom to teach a redefinition of the word ‘democracy’.

“It’s whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean,” an aide to the new minister explained to LCD.

LCD : But what’s the new definition?

“I just told you. The new definition is ‘whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean’.”

The clarification is important.

“Too many people are clinging onto the outdated notion that our democracy is a system of government wherein all the voices of the population are heard and balanced by way of reaching a compromise agreement that enacts not only a majority view, but takes into account minority interests also, to stop them getting all disenchanted and militant and stuff.”

The old way was occasionally put into practice in the U.K. by way of electing representatives who stood in a place like a parliament and debated issues and respected the expressed views of constituencies while also, and very importantly, used their best objective judgement to make important decisions affecting the lives of all. This did not always square with the changing opinions of voters, but was a good check against mob rule.

“That was a pretty boring way of doing things. And tended to over complicate issues.

Brexit is a great example.

How do you deliver an agenda based solely on distracting lies packaged up as nationalism and appealing to people’s’ insecurities about a changing world in order to enrich offshore, tax haven loving, sociopathic billionaires if you actually debate the issues factually and attempt to balance a majority view while respecting a minority one too? You might even find objective analysis says it’s a real dumb idea. What a pickle.

It’s impossible.

The new definition is much simpler. We call it ‘will of the people’.”

LCD : But why change it now?

“Hopefully redefining democracy will go some way to bullying remoaners into shutting up about all of our lies.”

LCD: Critics will say this move is designed to distract the people from what you’re really attempting to do? And what you’re really attempting is contradictory of the old definition of democracy.

“Oh, you’ve just defined Brexit. We’ve no plans to redefine that. We all know Brexit means Brexit.”

LCD Views can report there is disquiet in the ranks at the Ministry of Defence today with the news that Theresa May has appointed the Duke of York her new tsar of military fitness.

“Gavin is well cheesed off,” our insider whispered down the line,

“he’s still got his black book from his time as chief whip, I reckon he’ll be getting it out and giving the Maybot a call. He fancied putting the infantry through their paces himself while wearing a Spider-Man outfit. He’s stepped it up from a pet tarantula now he’s the boss of bombs.”

It appears the Duke himself is not best pleased either.

“He’s worried old family traits will come through the moment he gets the men under his command and it’ll just be marching up and down hills all day from then on. When all he really wants to be doing is pursuing his hobby of lobbying conservative MPs on behalf of oil rich states listed in Amnesty International’s bad book”

Further upset is likely to come with increased spending restraints at the MoD meaning that it will be unlikely the Duke will even have 10,000 men to march about with.

“They’ll all be armed with Brown Bessie’s though, thanks to cutbacks, the museum cupboards at most barracks are being prized open as we speak and old kit dusted off so Putin knows we’re ready for him, in or out of the EU. So there will be an air of authenticity when the Duke goes on parade.”

There has been support for the appointment from an unexpected quarter though.

Toby Young, the new head of ideologically reshaping universities to agree with eugenics and bigotry against people who don’t have as good a dad as Toby, has lent his support to the appointment.

“Maybe Andy will take me to meet some dictator of a former soviet state who likes the wet work?” Toby tweeted,

“then I can finally meet someone I can feel morally superior to as I set about introducing competition and commercial bias into higher education. I feel a little giddy. Now show me your tits!”

LCD Views’ Pride of the Nation correspondent has deep pleasure in complying with a Home Office order to announce the following,

“Your government of experts has embarked on a joint initiative between DExEU and the MoD to rewrite, re-record and re-release the timeless classic ‘Rule, Britannia!’ to reflect the growing pride felt by all Britons as we sail into Brexit.”

The release continues by quoting excerpts of the updated lyrics, such as, “Rule, Britannia!, Britannia rules the waves, with…a…border volunteer force…all….ways”.

And,

“When Britain first, at Rupert’s command Cut itself out of the single market and customs union of half a billion people,

And guardian angels sang this strain:

We, will, get better trade deals for offshore billionaires when we negotiate on our own!

Rule, Britannia! Xenophobia rules the airwaves: Britons never will be slaves with…a… Border…volunteer force…all ways!”

It goes on like this for half an hour or so and will be sung each morning in schools to start the day from when schools reopen for 2020.

This will be followed by press ganging of students into naval service, but only at comprehensive schools.

Metropolitan elites have criticised the reworking of the classic as simplistic jingoism that will only appeal to credulous inward looking voters concerned about the colour of their passport and not its function.

“Those types are going to be dealt with,” a home office minister reassured, before putting on a large hat made of ostrich.

In order to assist all patriots in learning the revised lyrics special audio cassettes of “Rule, Britannia 2.0!” will be released with each edition of the Daily Mail until Brexit Day.

Get yours today and burn it, in a patriotic way!

New immigration rules designed to stem the tide of freeloaders have been released. Any applicant displaying sufficient intelligence to complete the documentation will be refused entry.

Naturally, an inability to fill in a simple application form leads to instant disqualification.

The citizenship test will have three sections: a written test, a practical/oral exam, and General Knowledge. The written test asks elementary questions about Great Britain. Sample questions include:

1. Explain how Great Britain won two world wars single handedly.

2. Why is it called the United Kingdom if it has a Queen?

3. Can you solve the Irish Boarder problem with an eviction notice?

The practical/oral test is more demanding. Candidates are required to queue in British, mark St George’s birthplace on a map of the British Isles, and pinpoint precisely where the North begins.

In addition, candidates are required to take a fun pronunciation test. Common words like Thames, Cockburn, Beauchamp, Loughborough and Belvoir must be attempted. Candidates must determine whether the word “castle” rhymes with “parcel” or “hassle”.

The General Knowledge section provides light relief. Candidates must:

Know the right way to brew tea.

Supply the correct name for a bread roll.

Decide what to say when you get bad service/food in a restaurant.

Be able to drink and enjoy ten pints of draught bitter.

Display correct tea drinking etiquette.

Distinguish between white and brown bread, sugar, and people, ascertaining which is the most socially acceptable.

Avoid eye contact on public transport.

This simple test will reveal whether you are cut out for Britishness or not. Naturally, the ability to pass the test makes you a stuck-up girly swot, which means your citizenship application will be rejected out of hand. Brexit means the triumph of the idiocracy.

There is a much easier way to become a British subject. Simply pay an eight-figure sum to the conservative party of your choice and you’re in.

Lord Haw Haw was dug up, resurrected and made an actual lord by order of the prime minister in this year’s new year honours.

Also listed was every serving conservative MP who doesn’t already have a gong, mostly for services to buying a majority with a bung, and for making Rupert Murdoch happy.

“Lord Haw Haw is one of Britain’s most famous broadcasters,” a spokesman for Downing Street informed a surprised country this morning, “in many ways he could be said to be a forerunner for the patriotic thinkers behind Brexit.”

It’s not certain where exactly Lord Haw Haw’s peerage will be seated, there is even a rumour circulating that he will have to wait until after Brexit has been successfully enacted to find out.

“It would be best if he was Lord Haw Haw of somewhere or other in the Kingdom of Brexit, or Brexitannia, we’re still working out the finer details in excruciating detail.”

Pressure is also growing for the new peer to be made director of political programming for the BBC.

“The BBC really let the side down today by reporting what Lord Adonis said about Brexit in his resignation letter.

They’ve been doing much better since they started to fear Conservative government attacks on their funding.

As a result of this it’s thought a new director who more fully understands that there is right thought about Brexit and only right thought would be preferable.

This will help unite the country as we move forward to embrace the exciting opportunities presented by the overwhelming decision of the people of the United Kingdom to leave their sanity and parliamentary democracy behind on the 23rd of June 2016.

Even though the referendum was only advisory and an actual representative parliament would do the job of exploring the advice to test its worth before potentially destroying the economy and our international reputation and civil society and NHS in the service of disaster capitalists. Many of whom are Tory MPs.

What the Lexit mob are up to, no one is really sure, except that Jeremy has a very clear position on Brexit. He just keeps it secret.”

Lord Haw Haw is expected to broadcast a speech later this afternoon from across the channel. Well, assuming they can get his jaw to stay on.

He will explain how the European Union is an undemocratic tyranny which is economically failing and will soon be conquered by Nigel Farage jumping off Brighton Pier holding a bunch of bent British bananas. These will be genetically modified to be the colour of Saint George flags.

“We would like to reassure Nigel too, he will be knighted sooner or later.
Presumably once we’ve successfully put all the sewerage back onto our beaches that membership of the EU forced us to clean off.”

All patriots are instructed to sit next to their wirelesses this afternoon to hear Lord Haw Haw’s maiden speech, it begins,

“The nation has united behind Brexit.”

It just won’t say which of the four nations that nation is.

News from the North Pole this morning is that official opposition leader Jeremy Rebel Corbyn has written to Santa and asked for a new whip for Christmas as he’s pretty much worn out the old one.

“You try whipping your MPs in support of the Prime Minister and Brexit each day parliament votes,” a supporter of the Santa like party leader told LCD, “frankly I’m surprised the whip has lasted this long. The majority of our membership don’t want Brexit and the majority of the PLP knows it’s insane too, but they’re all doing as they’re told, mostly, in the hope Brexit will do the job of bringing down the Tories for them.”

Corbyn is clearly skilled at applying the whip to his party, having ignored it his entire career, pretty much, until he got the power of it to use for himself.

“It will be a good thing if May gets her EU Withdrawal Bill through with the enhanced powers she seeks. Jeremy will inherit that too and we’re seeing what he does with the party whip in a time of national crisis, imagine what he could do with a bit of autocratic power gifted by the hapless Tories?”

But other supporters of the man promising the unicorn Brexit have been quick to rush to his defence.

“Brexit is a hard right coup in service to extreme neoliberals and backed by extremely rich people who makes most of their money dealing with regimes who have zero regard for human rights, what’s wrong with supporting Brexit? Jeremy has principles. Especially if he sees an equation of deep harm to the entire country leading to political gain for the Labour Party. It could be a Great Leap Forward.”

It’s believed whatever harm Labour is complicit in causing by effectively being in coalition with the Tories on the massive self harm project will quite easily be reversed once Corbyn is prime minister.

“We’re going to turn every household into a steel manufacturer and issue household steel outputs to that end. It’s a bit nostalgic but it worked for Mao. And don’t forget, McDonnell threw that little red book across to the government in the commons because sometimes eggs have to be broken to make an omelette. Even if 20M starved to death.”

Not to support the government in breaking all the eggs of the UK’s economy by playing a cynical political game with Brexit, rather than stand up for truth and explain to leave supporters in Labour constituencies how they’ve been conned by xenophobic wannabe fascists, would be seen as betraying the will of the people.

“We’re going to keep talking about Jezza’s principles till the hard border goes up between Northern Ireland and the Republic.”

In the world of greasy palms and cock-ups, Damien Green is keeping his end up. The rampant First Secretary is resigning to spend more time with his high-speed broadband.

Unfortunately, he may have tossed away his chance of leading the Conservative Party. His demotion is already being dubbed “Grexit” by the less imaginative tabloid press.

Green is merely the latest in a long line of upstanding Members to have been caught with his hands in his trousers. The alleged misconduct took place back in dial-up days, when anticipation was part of the fun. Green has been caught red-handed in possession of blue movies.

Such activities are nothing new. Reliable sources indicate that a new Member’s initiation ceremony involves lady boys, vegetables, and a very surprised donkey. More experienced Members move on to Nutella-coated dwarves brandishing dildos. The allegations – if not the dildos – must have penetrated Green’s tough exterior and hurt him deep inside.

A chirpy, erect Green spoke to the assembled hacks earlier. “I have worked long and hard at the job,” he shrugged. “And I have stiff competition, but you can’t keep a good man down! Broadband means Broadband. Now if you don’t mind, I have a little something that needs to be finished off.” Green strutted away, swollen with pride.

A by-product of Green’s resignation is that David Davis swore to resign too, in sympathy. Davis, who famously promised Brexit impact statements and subsequently denied that they ever existed, is clearly a man to be believed. “I stand by Damien Green,” he stated. “But not too close. Dry cleaning is expensive!”

Reports have emerged that a medical team has been placed on standby. Green is said to be suffering from poor eyesight and RSI in his wrists.

Environment Secretary Michael Gove is naturally concerned with Green issues. He must be delighted that Green has been recycled.

LCD Views has been ringing around all of our contacts amongst MPs to gauge the mood following the shock defeat of the executive on amendment 7 and we have found an overwhelming call for parliament to give back control.

“Why the hell can’t they put a little faith in Theresa May and David Davis and let them take the UK onto the wide open seas of global trade?” one furious Brexit supporting MP demanded to know.

“We’ve fallen well behind the world on trade while being in the EU. Have you seen the most recent statistics? We need to start trading internationally and with Scotland. We’re going to get left behind in the rush to divide up Africa into territories for extracting wealth.”

Across social media platforms too one, and maybe even two, Kremlin funded grassroots Brexit groups have called for parliament to “GIVE BACK CONTROL!!.?!?,”

This is an outrage against the settled will of the British people, they clamour, who have all united behind Brexit now, because who needs an economy when you have a country with twats who are prepared to vote for the vision of Nigel Farage, right when he needs the cheering up, when his latest American mate accused of sexual crimes has just buggered himself with his past misdeeds and lost a key vote?

“Parliament needs to give back control to the executive. We’re so close to overturning the end of absolutist rule in this country, we can’t turn back the turning back of the revolution in 1688 that set us on a course to true, representative democracy now!”

Other MPs, principled souls who have been standing firm against a barrage of unjustified and disingenuous tabloid shite since June last year are said to be hopeful the glimmer of a spine in the House of Commons is a sign that the centuries old institution maybe finally awakening to the threat to inclusive democracy that Maybot and the other useful idiots in government pose.

Give back control.

Parliament is to vote on amendment 7 on Wednesday which asks the best minds the United Kingdom can assemble under one generous benefits package if they’d like to continue doing the job they’re paid for or be replaced by a giant rubber stamp?

“It’s a tough call,” one MP told LCD on the condition of anonymity, “thinking can be really hard. The option to carry on letting May and Davis and other titans do the thinking for me is pretty tempting.”

They also have to weigh in the possibility that if they demand parliamentary sovereignty over the minor matter of Brexit then,

“My brain actually hurts. I’m trying to please all of the people all of the time, and it’s really difficult. Surely it’s better to sit this one out quietly in the corner and keep getting paid whether or not I turn up and work? A bit like a pampered domestic cat.”

Complicating the issue is the overwhelming anxiety of getting voted out at an election if they end up carrying a can hardly any of them think should be carried to begin with.

“Look. I had a friend who wanted to jump off a cliff. It was a very high cliff. I told them it was a bad idea. They said they were going to anyway, but could I give them a lift to the cliff as they didn’t have any bus fare.

So I drove them to the cliff. They’re still at the edge of it, last I looked, now I’ve got to decide whether or not I push them off, pull them back, or just hold hands and jump with them.

If I manage to land on top of them I might come away with only a broken hip. I’m sure they won’t survive the fall. It’s really difficult to decide what to do.”

Wednesday they get to all decide together at least and then, if they choose to become a rubber stamp it will make future choices much easier.

“I’m probably going to vote to become a big rubber stamp. That way, whatever happens afterwards won’t be my fault.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to finish reading this little article on ‘The Glorious Revolution’. I’m not really sure what that was all about. It was so long ago now.”

A leading environmentalist has tabled another exciting amendment to outlaw all banana straightening machines in the now famous EU Premature Withdrawal Bill.

“Michael Gove has dedicated his life to living within the environment,” key aide, Ms Footnmouth told LCD, “and what better way to show how much you love polar bears than by ridding the UK of all machines used to straighten bananas?”

It has been noted that Michael Gove has recently converted in an evangelical way to the cause of the environment.

“It’s got nothing to do with the urgent necessity to detoxify himself and the Conservative Party. Please don’t mention fox hunting, fracking, that silly animals think thing or the tax incentives stripped away from renewables. Michael is really serious about saving a polar bear. Mostly because they live really far away and other people seem to care about them. He’s not sure why. Something to do with a risk to the ice supply for gin and tonics?”

The amendment will be voted on before the less important amendment seven tomorrow, which is something a bit yawn inducing about parliament having a meaningful vote on the final Brexit deal negotiated with the economic superpower currently deciding whether or not the United Kingdom will keep its automotive and financial services industries in any meaningful form beyond 2019.

“I’ll tell you what’s meaningful,” the aide added, “holding a banana that you can pretend is a telephone when you’re two years old.

What’s parliamentary sovereignty asserting itself by demanding the representatives of the people decide their fate compared to that?”

Bananas. That’s what.