Category: Democracy

New research by polling giants. I C U Polling Giant, reveals that the majority of Britons are reportedly jealous that Americans were able to shut down their government.

“It’s like a dream,” head of Polling, Dr D Throat, told LCD Views,

“even though it was only for a couple of days. It shows the gulf in quality between Theresa May and Donald Trump.”

Although a temporary agreement appears to have been reached to restart government in the USA, it’s still had an impact on Britons.

“There was concern, amongst respondents to our survey, for the public employees who may have missed out on some earnings, but for most of our respondents it sounded like a mental health holiday.”

10 Downing Street is reportedly studying the findings, and how the shut down was achieved in the United States, to see about the feasibility of replicating it on this side of the pond.

“Although, to be fair, both the ruling Conservative Party, and the occasionally noisy, but largely irrelevant, official opposition at Westminster, could be said to be well on course to achieving the same outcome in major policy areas in the U.K.”

It’s felt they’re moving too slowly though.

“And they’re working together on the big one, on Brexit, so it’s hard to see how soon reality and fantasy can combine at Westminster, without the necessary pushback at the weakest points of the executive’s actions.”

Still, it has given hope to exhausted voters that there is perhaps a way to stop Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Theresa May and a host of other politicians making things worse for just a few days.

“Apparently Britons would even be prepared to pay them not to work,” Dr Throat added,

“a bit like paying a blackmailer to not hurt you anymore.”

In an exclusive interview with LCD Views, sovereign of an independent Great Britain, Henry VIII, has refused to say if he would chop Anne Boleyn’s head off, should she find herself on the chopping block again.

“We’d have to glue it back on again,” Henry chuckled, “and I’m not even sure I want to do that yet.”

Henry next went on to muse about recent goings on in parliament.

“I must say, it was a great wheeze getting the EU Withdrawal Bill through,” the monarch chortled, “all the absolute power I now have. Time limited of course. Much more fun than when I was just Prime Minister.”

As to the growing number of petitions his office is receiving regarding glueing Anne Boleyn’s head back onto her shoulders?

“Off means off.”

We asked our medical expert, Professor Cromwell, if it would legally possible to chop Anne’s head off twice?

“Look what they did with Oliver Cromwell after the restoration of the monarchy? Hung, drawn, quartered and shot out of a cannon. And he’d been dead for some time. Still very painful I expect.”

As he wasn’t much use we asked Sir Francis Drake.

“I’m just a duck called Sir Francis, why you asking me?”

As yet, there is no cross party support for re-executing Anne Boleyn, or even for gluing her head back onto her shoulders so it would be possible to chop it off again.

“It doesn’t really matter what the people think,” Henry added, “now the withdrawal bill is through I can do what I like. What’s your neck size, just out of curiosity?”

“I only have one vote to cast in any ballot and I must be careful to get it right,” Theresa May told LCD Views during a snap poll about voting intentions,

“I’m not sure I could vote for Theresa May, given her track record, in all honesty. Neither will I rule it out. Voting means voting.”

Theresa May wasn’t alone in her indecision, although with a general election in the United Kingdom not due for many years, she probably has time to decide.

“What colour Brexit she finally delivers will be key to my decision. Beige? Elephant tusk? Scat Brown? Mildew pink? Or a classic red, white and blue?”

Theresa May’s response is indicative of the answers given in our snap poll.

“I’m not voting for her,” a man, B Johnson answered, “I’m writing my name on the ballot. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s what I’ll always do.”

But there was support for Theresa May from surprising quarters.

We interviewed a couple enjoying a bag of crisps together while a pack of blue collared, feral dogs fought in the gutter for their entertainment.

“I’m behind her one hundred percent,” the woman, who gave her name as Nicola S, replied.

“Same here,” said her friend, JC.

We asked why, as neither looked like traditional Tory voters.

“She’s doing our work for us,” they said in unison, before turning to each other and saying “snap!”

“Another year of her government and everything I’ve always wanted will come true.”

We stayed a while with them, watching the pack fight.

“I’m not voting for her,” a chap muttered behind us, while the dogs tore strips out of each other, “she’s just some kind of bigoted woman.”

Reports from America this afternoon indicate 365M people have reportedly been discovered chained to a golden toilet inside the little known Florida resort Mar-a-lago.

“A woman escaped early this morning and entered a nearby police station saying she had escaped from an orange faced man’s ensuite toilet while he was distracted by something unflattering on Twitter,” officer D. Ocracy told LCD Views great team of foreign correspondents.

Just the greatest. The world has never seen a team like ours.

It appears the suspect, a Mr Drumpf, has been holding the people hostage for over a year and he’s not alone.

“Mr Drumpf is believed to be working with a Russian gentleman and numerous multi-billionaire neocons, or greed fuelled sociopaths, to entrap the unfortunate people.”

It’s not known exactly what the orange man’s motivation is, but it’s believed racism and a zero knowledge of history and current events is involved.

“He makes us all perform a ritual each day,” the escapee is believed to have said, “we have to disavow someone called Obama. It’s quasi-religious, the fervour. If you don’t say ‘Obama bad’, you don’t get your ration of gruel.”

Curiously though, not all the trapped people seem keen on escape.

“It’s thought a few don’t mind the forced stay. Mostly they are ones who like the way he talks because they thrive on lack of context and finding people to blame.”

Police are also working on the theory that this is an international conspiracy tied to the group presently holding 65M+ people captive in the U.K. too.

“We should have begun the rescue operation in Florida by November 6th this year,” the officer reassured, “but I’ll buggered if I know when the limeys are going to be rescued.

Most of the available law enforcement on that side of the pond don’t seem interested in attempting a rescue as they’re erotically obsessed with some kind of ideological battle that’s building between the far left and the far right, whatever that is.”

More on this as it breaks.

LCD Views has heard from our source inside the London Fire Brigade that they are just going to stand back and let Boris Johnson’s pant’s fire rage out of control until it burns itself out, this time.

“It’s every day,” our anonymous source informed LCD, “We get called out sometimes six, seven times to the Foreign Office because Bojo has lied again, set his pants on fire, again and is now running around his office bellowing for someone to fill his paddling pool with water so he can douse the flames.”

It’s believed the strain on resources has become so serious it’s causing collateral damage.

“There was a record number of cats left stuck up trees beyond the mandatory target rescue time of three hours in the last quarter of 2017. That is because most of our units are standing with hoses in hands attempting to extinguish the blazing fires of Mr Johnson’s Y-fronts.”

This has led to fears within the service that Mr Johnson is actually part of a deeper conspiracy aimed at them.

“They want to privatise the fire service. They’re making us hit service standards they set themselves so they can claim only G4S or Carillion can run a cost efficient, target driven pant’s fire extinguishing fire service. It’s a scam.”

It’s thought things are going to get worse before they get better.

“Boris has nowhere to turn to. He’s been shown up to have been talking out of his ass about the £350M a week NHS claim, so now he’s blown it out to over £400M in the hope of being credible? He’s unstable. Where next? We can fund the social sector, house building targets with the money saved by destroying our economy on WTO terms?”

So they have taken a stand.

“When we got the call this morning we decided enough is enough. We’re not saving his flabby backside from burns this time.

We’ve sent a unit out and all they’ve done is erect a cordon to keep the public safe and they’re standing back watching Boris run about in circles hollering for love as his hair singes and his pants burn.”

Get the marshmellows. No wait, second thoughts, it’s hard to imagine what they’d taste like charred over such a blaze.

Just bring a folding chair, sit down outside Boris Johnson’s office and watch the metaphorical flames.

Daily Mail readers across the land have been protesting the decision by Virgin Trains not to sell the paper. Virgin has now changed its mind (as a Virgin is entitled to do). Readers are overjoyed. Virgin has caved in to the pressure and taken one for the team.

Accordingly, readers of this once well-respected propaganda machine are demanding redress. The only satisfactory solution is to provide a sacrifice to the Gods of Brexit, in accordance with regulations laid down in the Book of Euroscepticus.

Doubtless the Wikipedia-dodging scandal sheet will crow about this latest “victory”. Virgin has allowed itself to be shafted by this least reputable of organs. Its reputation as a trailblazing and independent entity will be left in tatters.

LCD’s Press Predictions Correspondent reckons that this will be the Mail’s lead story in the morning. “They will brag about this, make no mistake,” he said. “Like a teenage boy after his first snog. No humility. No thought to the possible ramifications. Virgin will be slaughtered and laid out on a cold slab to appease the swivel-eyed maniacs who are running the whole show.”

We tried to contact Richard Branson for comment. “He’s not interested,” said an irritable voice from his media office. “It’s nothing to do with him, he says. He can sell whatever he likes on his trains. It has nothing at all to do with the month’s worth of negative press that the Mail is sitting on in preparation for the next rail franchise renewal.”

The sacrifice is to be carried out by a process of denigration, slander and special offers to travel on rival operators’ trains. Dirt will be dug, and mud slung. Branson’s face will be splashed across the front page with the headline screaming “OFF THE RAILS!”. The accompanying article will tell its readers that Branson is not fit to run a railway, amid calls for his resignation.

It is the only way. The innocent Virgin will be slaughtered to save the saggy hides of the old and wealthy.

Professional tub thumper, crap stirrer and all round pile of human bile Nigel Farage has declared Brexit undecided as no one else will give him a job.

“I’ve been down the job centre most days since I won Brexit,” Mr Farage told a reluctant reporter from LCD, “But the computer keeps telling me I’m only qualified for far right rally organising. I don’t really like spending time in small meeting rooms in hotels off motorways.

Anyway, I’m not really a details guy. Organising a rally for fascist amnesiacs, even a small one, is too much admin for me.”

It seems the unemployment issue has come as a surprise to Mr Farage.

“I’ve allegedly been taking money from dubious foreign actors through a complex network of dark money channels.

Apparently that sort of thing counts against you.

I did ask my friend with the big gold lift if he could get me a job on Fox News.

But that was no go because Fox is now weary of sleazy ageing men with a history of infidelity and a reputation for trying to bang much younger women. Which doesn’t describe me at all.”

So left with nowhere else to turn to and increasingly concerned about how he will convince other people to pay him a salary for doing bugger all but stir up hate, Nigel has turned to what he knows best.

“If we can lose, and I’m not saying we can, but if we can lose a second Brexit referendum by a narrow margin, I’ll be in business till the cows come home. We’ll need a third then. Or a fourth, depending on how you count it.”

It’s rumoured he has also secured some cut price billboard space which can be used for vile posters mimicking Nazi propaganda, like he did first time around, so that’s nice too.

Back Nigel, preferably into a corner, it’s the democratic thing to do, and then go and vote. Again.

A man who millions of people admire because he’s not like others expects to solve the riddle of how to get into government with a jobs first Brexit by 1st April 2019, at the latest.

“We’re working really hard on it. The whole team,” the man reassured his fans and supporters while seemingly immobile, “we’re building a movement right now.”

This is enough for some, but for the others,

“The only good Brexit is a jobs first Brexit.

We can do that by assisting our colleagues in government so fully on Brexit that they won’t notice we’re seamlessly out polling them while seeming to be supporting them.”

It appears the only major hurdle is how to actually get the other party off their benches, so Labour can sit on them instead, while routinely voting in support of their most important policy agenda.

“It’s totally got me stumped,” the man admitted, “you would have thought a minority government propped up by a bunch of creationists, who most likely can’t be relied upon in a crunch, would be easy to displace.”

More so because they are pursuing an incredibly divisive agenda which all evidence suggests is going to completely trash the economy of the country, while simultaneously belittling it diplomatically.

“And they’re doing this while pursuing domestic policies that some suggest are now indirectly killing people who need medical treatment or welfare support.”

You would have thought the way to bring such a government down would be clear, but apparently not.

“I’m sure we’ll find the magic bullet sooner or later, definitely by the first of April 2019.”

Until then it’s probably best to just keep voting in support of a very weak prime minister on the issue that is always threatening to rip her own party to shreds because you’re worried a bunch of people who believed a barrel load of lies might not like you so much?

“We’ll get there. Just be patient. Until then we’ll just vote with the Tories on Brexit and see if they don’t do our job for us, sooner or later, by daily hurting the United Kingdom. It’s the principled thing to do.

If we appear mysterious people will think we’re up to something clever.

That is in no way a cynical political strategy that makes us complicit in the great self-harm project being inflicted on the U.K.”

The UK’s newest Secretary of State for Education has taken to the job with gusto by ordering all schools in the United Kingdom to teach a redefinition of the word ‘democracy’.

“It’s whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean,” an aide to the new minister explained to LCD.

LCD : But what’s the new definition?

“I just told you. The new definition is ‘whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean’.”

The clarification is important.

“Too many people are clinging onto the outdated notion that our democracy is a system of government wherein all the voices of the population are heard and balanced by way of reaching a compromise agreement that enacts not only a majority view, but takes into account minority interests also, to stop them getting all disenchanted and militant and stuff.”

The old way was occasionally put into practice in the U.K. by way of electing representatives who stood in a place like a parliament and debated issues and respected the expressed views of constituencies while also, and very importantly, used their best objective judgement to make important decisions affecting the lives of all. This did not always square with the changing opinions of voters, but was a good check against mob rule.

“That was a pretty boring way of doing things. And tended to over complicate issues.

Brexit is a great example.

How do you deliver an agenda based solely on distracting lies packaged up as nationalism and appealing to people’s’ insecurities about a changing world in order to enrich offshore, tax haven loving, sociopathic billionaires if you actually debate the issues factually and attempt to balance a majority view while respecting a minority one too? You might even find objective analysis says it’s a real dumb idea. What a pickle.

It’s impossible.

The new definition is much simpler. We call it ‘will of the people’.”

LCD : But why change it now?

“Hopefully redefining democracy will go some way to bullying remoaners into shutting up about all of our lies.”

LCD: Critics will say this move is designed to distract the people from what you’re really attempting to do? And what you’re really attempting is contradictory of the old definition of democracy.

“Oh, you’ve just defined Brexit. We’ve no plans to redefine that. We all know Brexit means Brexit.”

LCD Views can report there is disquiet in the ranks at the Ministry of Defence today with the news that Theresa May has appointed the Duke of York her new tsar of military fitness.

“Gavin is well cheesed off,” our insider whispered down the line,

“he’s still got his black book from his time as chief whip, I reckon he’ll be getting it out and giving the Maybot a call. He fancied putting the infantry through their paces himself while wearing a Spider-Man outfit. He’s stepped it up from a pet tarantula now he’s the boss of bombs.”

It appears the Duke himself is not best pleased either.

“He’s worried old family traits will come through the moment he gets the men under his command and it’ll just be marching up and down hills all day from then on. When all he really wants to be doing is pursuing his hobby of lobbying conservative MPs on behalf of oil rich states listed in Amnesty International’s bad book”

Further upset is likely to come with increased spending restraints at the MoD meaning that it will be unlikely the Duke will even have 10,000 men to march about with.

“They’ll all be armed with Brown Bessie’s though, thanks to cutbacks, the museum cupboards at most barracks are being prized open as we speak and old kit dusted off so Putin knows we’re ready for him, in or out of the EU. So there will be an air of authenticity when the Duke goes on parade.”

There has been support for the appointment from an unexpected quarter though.

Toby Young, the new head of ideologically reshaping universities to agree with eugenics and bigotry against people who don’t have as good a dad as Toby, has lent his support to the appointment.

“Maybe Andy will take me to meet some dictator of a former soviet state who likes the wet work?” Toby tweeted,

“then I can finally meet someone I can feel morally superior to as I set about introducing competition and commercial bias into higher education. I feel a little giddy. Now show me your tits!”