Category: Democracy

A Downing Street insider has phoned LCD Views, repeatedly, to tell us that Theresa May’s work phone is now just going straight to voicemail until she works out what she wants.

“I was experimenting to see if something was wrong,” the insider said, on the promise of anonymity,

“I stood in the hallway and phoned. The phone is on her desk. But she wouldn’t pick it up.

It just rings with her “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” ring tone for about thirty seconds before the voicemail kicks in.

God knows how Donald is going to get through to her to talk turkey when it’s time to sell U.K. plc to the yanks?”

The insider believes the reason is Ms May is worried Angela Merkel will phone, again, to ask her what she wants, again.

“She has no idea, of course, just a fuzzy idea about being Britain’s greatest prime minister, apart from David Cameron.

Never go out for a quick bite with her. She can stare at a menu with four options and never decide.”

But surely she has some aides who can answer for her?

“She has several. But they aren’t allowed to touch her phone. She’s a bit of a control freak. All detail. No decision.

The aides are mostly in trouble and standing in the corner facing the wall anyway.

It’s a bit of a shambles, if I’m honest. But I love her sense of self appointed authority.”

But what if a Tory party donor tries to phone?

“She’s definitely not answering.

Not all of them think they’ll profit of crashing out of the EU, tanking the currency and flogging off the NHS to the yanks.

Some are actually pretty cheesed off. Which is weird. Money is supposed to always make money. Unless the government is completely screwing up everything.

But that can’t be the case, because the official opposition are aligned on the most important policy matter.”

We asked our insider to try one more time and we’d record the call.

They agreed.

“Nope. Just U2…now the voicemail. God she sounds terrified.

Hello Theresa, it’s Kate Hoey phoning again.

We need to talk soon about how we’re going to stage manage the EU Withdrawal Bill when it returns to the Commons.

I can’t give Starmer the notes if you won’t talk to me. Please phone back. My number is 666. Thank you.”

The scandalous news today that Wales is to give 16 year olds the vote in council elections has caused a justified outcry among much older, wiser people who voted to quit the EU because of a big, red bus.

“It’s scandalous!” Reg Reg-Reg frothed,

“a sixteen year old is not mature enough to decide their future.

Why, some of them don’t even bother to read the side of a bus when deciding what to do [regarding complex economic and social changes].”

Reg Reg-Reg is not alone.

Millions of middle aged, and up, people this morning are considering starting a petition to turn back this clock too.

“Okay, they’re mature enough to decide at which university, being transformed financially along neocon ideological lines, they wish to gather £50K worth of debt at,” Reg conceded,

“They’re old enough to become an army cadet, setting themselves on a path to get blown up in some hellish conflict to celebrate being old enough to vote.

They’re even old enough to have sex legally and start a family as a consequence, as ill advised as that maybe, maybe not.

And they’re mature enough to be able to legally drive a moped, this taking their own life in their hands on the roads, and potentially causing an accident, or not, involving people of voting age.

But I’ll be buggered if you can convince me they’re mature enough to influence their immediate future at the ballot box.”

That’s only for older heads.

The sort of heads that see a big blonde man boy bouncing about in front of a lie on a big, red bus and ditch all critical facilities and vote for the bus.

“Give sixteen year olds the vote, where will it end?” Reg Reg-Reg demanded,

“foetuses will be voting next.

Just like what happened with equality of marriage. People started legally marrying furniture the day after. This progression of society and its values has got to stop.”

Reg Reg-Reg did call LCD back later to add, sixteen year olds should be able to decide to attend public hanging if they want.

Just as well, because many Quitters favour that.

The will of the people, you know you want it, just not until you’re old enough, as determined by a man who voted based on…

The Westminster bubble was at risk of bursting irrevocably this lunchtime with the startling news that Yorkshire has applied to the EU for vassal state status.

“We expected Londoxit, maybe Scotxit, Welsxit, potentially even Cornxit, but never Yexit,” a baffled Westminster insider told LCD Views,

“although the more the phrase ‘vassal state’ is used, admittedly the more attractive it becomes, given the human rights stripped away by inheritance millionaires alternatives.

But don’t write that down, I’ll be locked up for treason just for speculating on alternatives to the current ‘hard brexit’ path.”

Yexit details are still sketchy, but it appears the mystery surrounding the recent frenzy of work taking place within York, to add height to the ancient city walls, and extend them to encompass the entirety of Yorkshire itself, has now been explained.

“We can’t even send a Today programme correspondent up to shout will of the people at them without pause,” a puzzled John Humphrys told us after HE phoned us (in a panic),

“they’ve told us we have to apply for a visa and we have to do it via their new embassy in Brussels!

And what’s more, we’re unlikely to be granted a visa unless we apply for citizenship of Yorkshire first, but we have to do it in person at Yorkminster, which we can’t visit without a visa, which we can’t get…”

It’s believed the motivation for the declaration of independence, and application to the EU, was fear of one of Britain’s leading 19th century statesmen.

“They appear to have clocked that Jacob Rees-mogg, and other prominent Brexiters, actually couldn’t care less for the economic fate of their region,” our baffled Westminster man said,

“something to do with JRM tabling an amendment to the EU Withdrawal Withdrawal Bill that will also rescind the “Statute of Labourers 1351”. Whatever that was, something to do with freedom of movement of workers. JRM claims it’s led to an unacceptable inflation in the wages of his fieldworkers.”

Sadiq Khan has also been approached for comment, but all his office would say was that he was ‘A bit piqued to have been pipped at the post. He was planning to declare London’s independence in the spring after he had settled a city state alliance with Edinburgh’.

But they had no more comment as he was awaiting May’s speech in Davos, so he could laugh himself silly at whatever new gags she’s thought up for her ‘Scared But Still Standing’ comedy show.

“That’s probably the key to the timing of Yorkshire’s declaration,” the insider added, “while the cat’s away and all that. None would dare defy the Prime Minister while she was at home sitting on the throne.”

More on this story as the YGA movement grows.

LCD Views’ meteorological correspondent reports that there is, happily, no longer any chance of hearing warnings of bad weather looming from the BBC, thanks to a more patriotic and sunshine based set of forecasts.

“People no longer need to plan holidays away, you know, in the lands of dragons across the sea [The English Channel]. That’s because every day is going to be just lovely now, regardless of what remoaner barometers say.”

To find out more, we had our correspondent skip along through the dazzling rays to speak to one of the Beeb’s chief meteorologists, Nick Robinson, to understand the thinking behind the change,

“The bad weather is over. The duty we forecasters had to warn of shit storms, floods of negative growth and other events that require people to turn off their fans, is over.

Why? Because there are no longer various types of weather systems experienced by the United Kingdom, only sunshine. We’re now the united sunny uplands kingdom, if you will.”

This sounds exciting. I’m throwing away my winter coat and stocking up on sunscreen before the run on stocks.

“The BBC’s job is not to look into the distance wondering if blithe assertions of endless summers to come are completely crackers, just because some turtle on a fencepost with a corrosive greed based ideology who aims to personally profit from disaster, promised the good weather.

Whether you like torrential downpours or not, we’re giving you sunshine!

Sunshine!

Ignore the clouds!

Get out and risk a little heat stroke. You know it’s an achievement to get sun burn in England. There is absolutely no risk of skin cancer. Ever. Again.

Our job, now, is to encourage everyone in the country to pack a picnic basket and go to the common. It’s the new balance, if you will.

Stretch your legs out.

Do it today.

Worry not if you see an immigration enforcement van rounding up some subversive, university educated Europeans for an illegal detention before they’re marched across the Boris bridge to Calais.

Those lawsuits are for tomorrow. And if the plaintiffs aren’t in the country, what are they going to do? Appeal to the ECHR? Ha!

And to cement this sunny change to our land my colleague, John, and I will be recording a special charity single of ‘It’s a lovely day tomorrow’, to be broadcast each morning on the Today programme. Get behind it. We’re all Brexiters now! I mean, sunbathers.”

We’ll that’s reassuring, it’s like the entire UK has turned into the Costa del Sol suddenly, just with less Brits…

New research by polling giants. I C U Polling Giant, reveals that the majority of Britons are reportedly jealous that Americans were able to shut down their government.

“It’s like a dream,” head of Polling, Dr D Throat, told LCD Views,

“even though it was only for a couple of days. It shows the gulf in quality between Theresa May and Donald Trump.”

Although a temporary agreement appears to have been reached to restart government in the USA, it’s still had an impact on Britons.

“There was concern, amongst respondents to our survey, for the public employees who may have missed out on some earnings, but for most of our respondents it sounded like a mental health holiday.”

10 Downing Street is reportedly studying the findings, and how the shut down was achieved in the United States, to see about the feasibility of replicating it on this side of the pond.

“Although, to be fair, both the ruling Conservative Party, and the occasionally noisy, but largely irrelevant, official opposition at Westminster, could be said to be well on course to achieving the same outcome in major policy areas in the U.K.”

It’s felt they’re moving too slowly though.

“And they’re working together on the big one, on Brexit, so it’s hard to see how soon reality and fantasy can combine at Westminster, without the necessary pushback at the weakest points of the executive’s actions.”

Still, it has given hope to exhausted voters that there is perhaps a way to stop Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Theresa May and a host of other politicians making things worse for just a few days.

“Apparently Britons would even be prepared to pay them not to work,” Dr Throat added,

“a bit like paying a blackmailer to not hurt you anymore.”

In an exclusive interview with LCD Views, sovereign of an independent Great Britain, Henry VIII, has refused to say if he would chop Anne Boleyn’s head off, should she find herself on the chopping block again.

“We’d have to glue it back on again,” Henry chuckled, “and I’m not even sure I want to do that yet.”

Henry next went on to muse about recent goings on in parliament.

“I must say, it was a great wheeze getting the EU Withdrawal Bill through,” the monarch chortled, “all the absolute power I now have. Time limited of course. Much more fun than when I was just Prime Minister.”

As to the growing number of petitions his office is receiving regarding glueing Anne Boleyn’s head back onto her shoulders?

“Off means off.”

We asked our medical expert, Professor Cromwell, if it would legally possible to chop Anne’s head off twice?

“Look what they did with Oliver Cromwell after the restoration of the monarchy? Hung, drawn, quartered and shot out of a cannon. And he’d been dead for some time. Still very painful I expect.”

As he wasn’t much use we asked Sir Francis Drake.

“I’m just a duck called Sir Francis, why you asking me?”

As yet, there is no cross party support for re-executing Anne Boleyn, or even for gluing her head back onto her shoulders so it would be possible to chop it off again.

“It doesn’t really matter what the people think,” Henry added, “now the withdrawal bill is through I can do what I like. What’s your neck size, just out of curiosity?”

“I only have one vote to cast in any ballot and I must be careful to get it right,” Theresa May told LCD Views during a snap poll about voting intentions,

“I’m not sure I could vote for Theresa May, given her track record, in all honesty. Neither will I rule it out. Voting means voting.”

Theresa May wasn’t alone in her indecision, although with a general election in the United Kingdom not due for many years, she probably has time to decide.

“What colour Brexit she finally delivers will be key to my decision. Beige? Elephant tusk? Scat Brown? Mildew pink? Or a classic red, white and blue?”

Theresa May’s response is indicative of the answers given in our snap poll.

“I’m not voting for her,” a man, B Johnson answered, “I’m writing my name on the ballot. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s what I’ll always do.”

But there was support for Theresa May from surprising quarters.

We interviewed a couple enjoying a bag of crisps together while a pack of blue collared, feral dogs fought in the gutter for their entertainment.

“I’m behind her one hundred percent,” the woman, who gave her name as Nicola S, replied.

“Same here,” said her friend, JC.

We asked why, as neither looked like traditional Tory voters.

“She’s doing our work for us,” they said in unison, before turning to each other and saying “snap!”

“Another year of her government and everything I’ve always wanted will come true.”

We stayed a while with them, watching the pack fight.

“I’m not voting for her,” a chap muttered behind us, while the dogs tore strips out of each other, “she’s just some kind of bigoted woman.”

Reports from America this afternoon indicate 365M people have reportedly been discovered chained to a golden toilet inside the little known Florida resort Mar-a-lago.

“A woman escaped early this morning and entered a nearby police station saying she had escaped from an orange faced man’s ensuite toilet while he was distracted by something unflattering on Twitter,” officer D. Ocracy told LCD Views great team of foreign correspondents.

Just the greatest. The world has never seen a team like ours.

It appears the suspect, a Mr Drumpf, has been holding the people hostage for over a year and he’s not alone.

“Mr Drumpf is believed to be working with a Russian gentleman and numerous multi-billionaire neocons, or greed fuelled sociopaths, to entrap the unfortunate people.”

It’s not known exactly what the orange man’s motivation is, but it’s believed racism and a zero knowledge of history and current events is involved.

“He makes us all perform a ritual each day,” the escapee is believed to have said, “we have to disavow someone called Obama. It’s quasi-religious, the fervour. If you don’t say ‘Obama bad’, you don’t get your ration of gruel.”

Curiously though, not all the trapped people seem keen on escape.

“It’s thought a few don’t mind the forced stay. Mostly they are ones who like the way he talks because they thrive on lack of context and finding people to blame.”

Police are also working on the theory that this is an international conspiracy tied to the group presently holding 65M+ people captive in the U.K. too.

“We should have begun the rescue operation in Florida by November 6th this year,” the officer reassured, “but I’ll buggered if I know when the limeys are going to be rescued.

Most of the available law enforcement on that side of the pond don’t seem interested in attempting a rescue as they’re erotically obsessed with some kind of ideological battle that’s building between the far left and the far right, whatever that is.”

More on this as it breaks.

LCD Views has heard from our source inside the London Fire Brigade that they are just going to stand back and let Boris Johnson’s pant’s fire rage out of control until it burns itself out, this time.

“It’s every day,” our anonymous source informed LCD, “We get called out sometimes six, seven times to the Foreign Office because Bojo has lied again, set his pants on fire, again and is now running around his office bellowing for someone to fill his paddling pool with water so he can douse the flames.”

It’s believed the strain on resources has become so serious it’s causing collateral damage.

“There was a record number of cats left stuck up trees beyond the mandatory target rescue time of three hours in the last quarter of 2017. That is because most of our units are standing with hoses in hands attempting to extinguish the blazing fires of Mr Johnson’s Y-fronts.”

This has led to fears within the service that Mr Johnson is actually part of a deeper conspiracy aimed at them.

“They want to privatise the fire service. They’re making us hit service standards they set themselves so they can claim only G4S or Carillion can run a cost efficient, target driven pant’s fire extinguishing fire service. It’s a scam.”

It’s thought things are going to get worse before they get better.

“Boris has nowhere to turn to. He’s been shown up to have been talking out of his ass about the £350M a week NHS claim, so now he’s blown it out to over £400M in the hope of being credible? He’s unstable. Where next? We can fund the social sector, house building targets with the money saved by destroying our economy on WTO terms?”

So they have taken a stand.

“When we got the call this morning we decided enough is enough. We’re not saving his flabby backside from burns this time.

We’ve sent a unit out and all they’ve done is erect a cordon to keep the public safe and they’re standing back watching Boris run about in circles hollering for love as his hair singes and his pants burn.”

Get the marshmellows. No wait, second thoughts, it’s hard to imagine what they’d taste like charred over such a blaze.

Just bring a folding chair, sit down outside Boris Johnson’s office and watch the metaphorical flames.

Daily Mail readers across the land have been protesting the decision by Virgin Trains not to sell the paper. Virgin has now changed its mind (as a Virgin is entitled to do). Readers are overjoyed. Virgin has caved in to the pressure and taken one for the team.

Accordingly, readers of this once well-respected propaganda machine are demanding redress. The only satisfactory solution is to provide a sacrifice to the Gods of Brexit, in accordance with regulations laid down in the Book of Euroscepticus.

Doubtless the Wikipedia-dodging scandal sheet will crow about this latest “victory”. Virgin has allowed itself to be shafted by this least reputable of organs. Its reputation as a trailblazing and independent entity will be left in tatters.

LCD’s Press Predictions Correspondent reckons that this will be the Mail’s lead story in the morning. “They will brag about this, make no mistake,” he said. “Like a teenage boy after his first snog. No humility. No thought to the possible ramifications. Virgin will be slaughtered and laid out on a cold slab to appease the swivel-eyed maniacs who are running the whole show.”

We tried to contact Richard Branson for comment. “He’s not interested,” said an irritable voice from his media office. “It’s nothing to do with him, he says. He can sell whatever he likes on his trains. It has nothing at all to do with the month’s worth of negative press that the Mail is sitting on in preparation for the next rail franchise renewal.”

The sacrifice is to be carried out by a process of denigration, slander and special offers to travel on rival operators’ trains. Dirt will be dug, and mud slung. Branson’s face will be splashed across the front page with the headline screaming “OFF THE RAILS!”. The accompanying article will tell its readers that Branson is not fit to run a railway, amid calls for his resignation.

It is the only way. The innocent Virgin will be slaughtered to save the saggy hides of the old and wealthy.