Category: Democracy

TOUGH ON DRUGS, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF DRUGS: Some members of the Houses of Parliament are getting worried. New legislation to remove passports from drug abusers is being proposed just as some of the country’s most prominent abusers are readying themselves for a Christmas holiday abroad. 

But nothing will stand in the way of Boris Johnson’s seasonal jolly in the sun. The Westminster rumour mill suggests that Johnson will refuse to hand over any of his passports should any accusation stick. 

There is an additional safeguard in the pipeline. In future, any law that Johnson and his cronies don’t like will simply be removed. 

“What the PM wants, the PM gets,” explained Number Ten lackey Carrie Thecan. “He regards it as a perk of the job. In his own words, ‘Yes, well, no, erm, erm, flim flam, bibble bobble, wiff waff, indeed, jolly good!'” 

Well. You can’t argue with that. 

Thecan explained what this week’s rules mean for the rest of us. 

“Obviously, if you have ever touched drugs, then expect a visit from the Plod,” she said. “This country will not tolerate law breakers, and the only way to get your passport back is to join the Conservative Party, and donate at least £3m to the Ministerial Holiday Fund.” 

So there’s a price list. 

“£3m for a single incident, £10m for a year, £37bn for permanent immunity,” said Thecan. “Bargain if you ask me. Alternatively there’s a Sponsor An MP Scheme. Simply cover their expenses and mum’s the word!” 

It’s an absolute steal, unless you are sponsoring the likes of Michael “Bloke with the Coke” Gove. 

Never mind County Lines, which are bad because small time crooks use them. Westminster Lines are making sure that our overstressed leader can unwind over Christmas. 

So you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. 

IS IT A BIRD IS IT A WAIT WHAT WOW MAN : THE JUSTICE SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has moved to flesh out his incisive comments about the way law and order works in the United Kingdom under Boris Johnson and his cartel.

He reassured everyone (who works in crime and the government) over the weekend when he revealed that the Police do not investigate crimes that are a year old.

“It’s basically just a waiting game,” Mr Raab impressed. “If you can keep the loot hidden for a year or the body buried in the backyard for 365 days you are home and hosed. The police will not get involved after a year. They just lose all interest. It’s the way their minds work.”

And it’s not just high crimes and misdemeanours, little things like lockdown rule breaking Christmas parties are also out of bounds once enough time has passed.

“You can basically do anything if you can keep ahead of the cops for a year,” he reiterated. “Say hundreds of people are dying alone and terrified daily, drowning in their deteriorating lungs because whoever was supposed to be coordinating the response to a pandemic could not be bothered to put up with rabid Tory backbenchers bitching about having to wear a face mask in Harrods? Well if you decide to throw a Christmas party as a reaction to that and break the law, just don’t let anyone find out for a year and you’re invincible. The long arm of the law gets shorter every day that passes.”

And it’s not just the passage of time that sees lawbreakers getting away with it.

“The heavy cocaine use in Westminster is another way to ensure you can’t be held to account,” Mr Raab added. “The police get bored senseless if you were too high to remember the details of your crimes. Jamming several grams of high quality white powder up your nose daily is a get out of jail free card.”

When pressed if the use of nose garbage bestowed the same degree of protection Mr Raab looked puzzled and replied, “I think that’s a matter for trading standards.”

HIT FAST AND HIT EARLY : A STUNNING LEAK from the Home Office this morning shows that world beating Home Secretary Priti Patel is more than a match for Labour’s new Shadow Home Secretary.

While all of progressive social media celebrated the elevation of Cooper (and Lammy) to the front bench anyone paying attention could tell that Priti Patel was unfazed and ready to take on her latest opponent.

“No one can remember who the last Shadow Home Secretary was,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “And once Ms Patel has finished changing the law no one will be able to even say who Yvette Cooper is without risking a lengthy internment.”

It is also said that various ideas where initially floated to deal with Cooper, from wave machines outside Westminster and paying the French to abduct her, but in the end just changing the law was deemed the easiest.

And it seems the law change will have broader benefits for the ruling Conservatives.

“We’ve made great strides in criminalising competence and humanity, attention to detail and focus already, but the new Cooper Law will guarantee total rule for generations to come.”

While the details of the new legislation are being hurriedly cobbled together, the leak says that anyone who can actually read a policy document and think through its implications will be classed as an extremist, have their citizenship removed in a fit of manic laughing by the Home Secretary, and then moved to an immigration deportation facility.

“The moment Cooper starts holding Priti Patel to account and showing her up for the ghastly and inhumane spectacle of tyranny that she is, Ms Patel will prove her right.”

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: Tory MPs caught up in the second jobs scandal are planning to quit their second jobs to avoid unnecessary scrutiny. For most of them, consultancy comes first. 

There’s a truism that allegedly circulates in Tory circles. Private sector good, public sector bad. Tory MPs are belatedly walking up to the fact that their work representing The People is in the public sector. By becoming MPs, they automatically become their own enemy. Small wonder that so many are confused. 

One such MP is Sir Phil McCoffers, who represents Utterleigh-in-the-Mire. “The public sector is bad, isn’t it?” he mused, gradually untangling what passes for lines of thought in his head. “Low paid. High degree of scrutiny. Insecurity. Well I won’t have it any more! The bloody lefties aren’t going to look into my private financial affairs. I can afford to lose the paltry pay, and I’m not waiting around for the plebs in Utterleigh to kick me out. I’m off.”

So can we expect a by-election in the near future? 

“I expect so, we must proceed with the charade of democracy,” said Sir Phil. “The poor bugger who ‘wins’ will have to square the circle of managing the weekly surgery with putting in respectable hours doing international consultancy. Frankly, my time is better spent giving advice than walking through lobbies.” 

Sir Phil is not alone. Many like him are realising that there are better ways to pocket £82k a year which are away from the public gaze. But there are some who will cling to their current occupation. 

“I can rent a flat in London on expenses,” Sir Phil disclosed. “Basically live in the middle of things for nothing, run a couple of mistresses on the public purse. I don’t do this, obviously, but there are some who would not want to give up this perk. Why do you think Boris doesn’t simply resign and scuttle back under a rock?”

It’s a good question. Follow the money, then follow the trousers. 

CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE : GREAT NEWS TODAY for people seeking to buy themselves a piece of the UK’s world beating democracy with the launch of Peer2Peer.

“Peer2Peer is a revolution in access to the inner workings of British parliamentary democracy,” a 10 Downing Street press release reveals. “With just a few simple steps anyone can open an account on our new world beating site and get the peerage they desire.”

Owning a seat in the House of Lords is the new “must have” acquisition for anyone who already “has it all”.

“On Peer2Peer you aren’t limited to buying life peerages for yourself you can also SAVE CHRISTMAS by entering the BARGAIN BASEMENT ZONE and pick up a knighthood for someone you love. Peer2Peer makes unelected, representative democracy truly accessible for anyone who wants in.”

But Peer2Peer won’t just be the preserve of the ultra-wealthy looking to purchase peerages and other honours, there will also be a swap and cash out room for those who have decided it’s time to move on.

“Peer2Peer’s preloved room will allow owners of ermine to sell or trade their peerages with others. If you’re facing a financial squeeze and want to liquidise some assets then the PRELOVED ZONE is the right place for you. Or maybe you want to collect a set of peerages? Just open the app and see who is selling today. Peerages can be sold at a fixed price or auctioned just like on Ebay!”

The only restriction to opening an account is you must be a proven Tory Party donor.

“So long as you’ve donated a penny to the ruling party you can open an account. You’ll receive a link to download the software and if you’ve already hit the minimum threshold of £3m your avatar will be blue lit. If you’re under that if will be red. But don’t fret. The moment you pass the donation threshold your comic character will turn Tory blue.”

Peer2Peer – it will have your neighbour’s green with envy. Sign up today and receive a free copy of the Magna Carta.

*Terms and conditions apply.

THE LIES HAVE IT THE LIES HAVE IT : THE UK’S world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to call a snap general election this weekend to revive his sinking fortunes.

The timing of the next GE is thought to have been a hot topic inside the palace at 10 Downing Street as the ruling couple’s hold on power daily appears more tenuous. Photo shoots in hi-vis vests and ruffled hair will only get you so far as inflation bites and corruption scandals daily fill the papers. A much bigger distraction is now called for.

“A general election will sort it all out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can sell ice to eskimos. He can’t do anything else. He could sell coal to Newcastle. But he can’t do anything else. So he’s got to get back on the campaign trail and sell something. Otherwise the megatsunami of crap he’s called down from the heavens may sweep him away. And where would the country be then?”

It’s expected the decision to go to the polls will be welcomed by the Tory Party’s MPs.

“The next GE must happen before the opposition parties work out that by working together they can crush us. 2024 is too far away. There will be far too much damage from Brexit and over a decade of misrule by then. But if we go now we can pull it off. Then we can blame all the problems on the last government. It’s genius.”

Of course a fresh general election means a fresh manifesto.

“The manifesto we won on 2019 is all played out. We’ve already broken all those promises. Slashing the HS2 in the north and dismantling pensions protections this week has crossed the last tasks off the to do list. But a new manifesto will give us new promises to break. And that’s where Mr Johnson excels.”

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO: Tory MPs are revolting. The mere suggestion that they should put in 35 hours of honest hard work representing the people who elected them has been greeted by howls of outrage. 

It’s as if the idea that a wealthy chap is obliged to actually earn their income is anathema to our MPs. Especially the ones who claim to be working night and day. 

The same world beating drones are now claiming to have discovered some principles. Or at least realised that they won’t be comfortable on the take in full view of the nation. 

“It’s a flaming liberty, that’s what it is!” spluttered outraged backbencher Billy O’Nair. “Being an MP was supposed to be a cushy number! Safe seat, show your face every now and then, keep your head down, don’t rock the boat, rack up the directorships. A few phone calls, lunch, golf, a couple more zeroes on the bank balance. That’s what Eton and Oxford prepare you for!”

What objection do you have to doing the job you are paid to do? 

“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous!” scoffed O’Nair. “Everyone knows that being an MP is just a perk to compensate for being crap at the law. Plenty of status and contacts. Cheap food and drink. Opportunities to bullshit for England. Bit of pocket money. It’s a doss job, it’s just a chance to grease the wheels. Work? WORK?! Only idiots work! It’s a disgrace, an outrage! Well I’m not standing for it, I’m not going to be made a fool of, plenty more ways to coin it in out of the public eye.”

How dare the ordinary citizens of this great country demand that their representatives actually represent them. It’s no wonder MPs are lining up to resign in protest. 

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THESE POLLS I HAVE OTHERS : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to be in an upbeat and fighting mood today as Labour continue to batter ten types of crap out of the Tories in the political polls, and they aren’t even trying to, merely continuing the world beating strategy since 2010 of not opposing the biggest, maddest idea the Tories have. It’s worked so well so far, why change now? The Cons will destroy themselves if you wait long enough. Okay, they didn’t destroy themselves over austerity, they’re not even destroying themselves over Brexit, the appalling pandemic mismanagement hasn’t hurt them overly much either, which is the great plus of a constructive opposition. But the sleaze is doing it. The grubbiness and greed. Whacko! The tabloids have decided it is time to re-invent the country’s government!

There is of course only one flaw in all this and that is the power of Mr Johnson to ignore reality and tell you what reality is. And here is where the genius shines.

“We’re simply going to dismantle the old way of polling the public and set up a committee to ensure the correct results are always achieved,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to see the Tories consistently polling between 40-50% in the polls again.”

The model for the makeover is to hand too.

“We’ll take the plans we have for oversight of MPs and use it for polling,” the source explains. “Every pollster will have to submit his findings to 10 Downing Street before publishing them. This way Mr Johnson can correct their findings. This is just natural justice. A right of appeal by the executive against the will of the people. It will provide the strong and stable leadership the United Kingdom needs.”

PRE-LOVED CONDITION : 10 DOWNING STREET is to combat the wave of sleaze which threatens to overwhelm the Johnson administration by “letting everyone have a piece of the action”.

The plan appears to be to hold a sale of Tory MPs modelled along the line of major supermarkets and “Buy One and Get One Free” offers. The price of MPs will be set at standard market rates, but a real bargain given you’ll get a second Tory MP for free.

“Or both for half price,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all a question of how you look at it. Why not pick up a Jenrick and a Hancock when you’re doing your grocery shopping this weekend? Okay, the used by date on both is a bit ripe, but they still have the same old contact book and access to the heart of government. Shapps is an exception though, because he is several people at once, allegedly. That’s a real hidden gem. Get in early to avoid disappointment!”

What customers do with the MPs once they own them is up to them.

“It just depends on your area of special interest,” the source advises. “If you are enjoying the opportunities that have been provided by the opening up of the public sector to privatisation than owning two MPs can really help boost your profits. Don’t want to spend money on expensive, imported chemicals and couldn’t care less what happens to the UK’s waterways because you live in a mansion on the Med? Get in!”

But critics of the move have said the sales will be on “false premises” because the recent scandal involving Owen Paterson proves that “Tory MPs are already in full ownership by special interests”.

To keep demand high though people purchasing MPs won’t have to list the acquisition with any official registry as “that boring accountability stuff is all pre-Brexit”. If you find yourself owning a pair though you will be encouraged to treat them like a small and pampered dog so they “don’t get restless and shit on the sofa or chew up your favourite slippers like Paterson did.”

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : STUNNING STATISTICS TODAY FROM THE DEPARTMENT FOR WORK AND PENSIONS, FOLLOWING A FREEDOM REQUEST BY AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE.

The Source is said to have become concerned that Tory MPs were working too hard and many at risk of exhaustion. The concern resulted from the clearly baffled and disorientated interviews given by Tory meat shields of late.

“I figured it’s exhaustion,” the Source told LCD Views. “There’s a lot of problems facing the UK due solely to global supply chain issues and I figured the poor buggers never get a moments rest.”

But the Source discovered the opposite when they received the requested information.

“Most of them are officially listed as unemployed due to not working enough hours each week to qualify as being in employment,” the source explains. “Due to a quirk in our parliamentary system they still get paid. This leads to a lot of confusion. Most members of the public blithely assume their animated blue rosettes are working for their constituencies. This is most definitely not the case. MPs are too busy seeking additional means of income to focus on what is in theory their job.”

The misunderstanding has been made worse by Tory MPs reportedly having numerous jobs at the same time.

“None of them work an hour a week in any of the jobs,” the source says. “In spite of being paid tens of thousands of pounds per year. There’s a real fear that if a way is found to automate handing over a book of government contacts then the MPs will be entirely redundant. The system needs reform. They should be able to add all the hours they spend as lobbyists together and then they’ll be spared the shame of being listed as unemployed.”

In the interim the MPs are advised to apply for Universal Credit.

“You may as well get what you can,” the source shrugs. “How they’re expected to make ends meet on just £82K a year, with benefits, expenses and pension, is beyond me. Have you seen the rate of inflation lately!”