Category: Democracy

LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE: To celebrate the new Downing Street Directive on Holding Business Meetings, Boris Johnson has decided to open a stationery shop. This shop will stock every item that an everyday Downing Street business meeting needs.

Every meeting has several requirements. For example: laptops, in this case resembling personal trays to hold your nibbles and your glass, and to stop Carrie pinching your vol-au-vents.

Every meeting requires a Chair, so the shop will stock fancy chairs for all participants. 

Paper comes in every colour imaginable. Each piece comes ready-printed and attached to a complementary bottle of wine. Reams of paper are available (or “wineboxes” as they are known in the trade). Once your ream is exhausted, you may use the box to create your very own painted bus. Each one should bear its very own implausible slogan, and the shop will display the finest examples.

The shop supplies wooden presentation boards. These are used to present reports and facilitate discussion. The fact that these boards bear many varieties of excellent cheese is merely a detail. Clients such as those likely to shop at Boris’s expect little luxuries.

The shop will supply containers for all its goods. Otherwise, little things like peanuts, crisps, sausage rolls and the like, tend to make a mess on your desk.

Post-it notes will come in the traditional golden colour. They will be produced in many flavours, including Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar, and Privilege & Entitlement.

Pre-printed agendas will be produced. These will include items such as “1. Opening remarks: I declare this bottle of Chablis open!”, “3. Restrictions: Nobody is allowed to eat all the Brie (That means YOU, Classic Dom!)”, and “8. AOB: Any Other Bottles?”.

Of course, every meeting must have a secretary present. The job of this person is to swear everyone to secrecy.

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR LAWS: The government is to award itself special powers to amend any democratic acts that it believes should be overturned. These powers, we are assured, will only be used in times of national emergency.

Quite what constitutes a ‘national emergency’ was only very loosely defined in the draft white paper circulated by purveyors of satirical content. But the obvious takeaway is that the government now regards ‘democracy’ as agreeing with its own stated position.

By contrast, any dissent will be regarded as undemocratic. Great strides have already been made in this direction by the government’s very own bulldog, Priti Patel. Protesting, being poor, and having a Woke attitude are already in her sights. As is the right of the government to override any laws which they don’t like.

The prevailing attitude is summed up by the aptly named Joy Morrissey. “What do judges know anyway?” she fumed. “Were they ELECTED? No! So they can stick their UNELECTED noses out of our business!”

But Patel goes even further. Following the debacle in North Staffordshire, she now wants the right to overturn election results.

Obviously, The People no longer know what they are voting for, or they would have voted for Boris in their droves. After all, they voted once, in 2019, and gave Johnson an overwhelming mandate of 60% of the seats on only 40% of the votes. There is no need to ask them again.

Democracy Got Done. Like Brexit. Like the British people. Anyone even suspected of voting Lib Dem will be rounded up and sent back to wherever they came from. And for any smart alecks who say they come from Birmingham, well there’s a Birmingham on Ascension Island waiting for them.

So the business of running the country down may proceed uninterrupted by any threat to remove MPs from their posts.

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR HUMAN RIGHTS: Home Secretary Priti Patel is thinking about the best way to uncouple human rights from the wicked EU. The European Convention on Human Rights must be abandoned, simply because it contains the word ‘European’. 

In its place, she is proposing a points based human rights system. The more points you get, the more human rights you are entitled to. 

Points will be awarded, or deducted, according to criteria drawn up by Patel herself. The whole system will, of course, be means tested. 

“It’s only fair,” said Patel minion Ozzie Rules. “People without sufficient means will not be entitled to claim rights, you don’t get something for nothing round here!” 

Rules disclosed that points could be earned on the basis of income, history of  right wing activism, and level of donations to the Conservative Party. Conversely, points would be lost for regional accents, having brown skin, and undisguised intellectual and cognitive ability. 

“This is all part of our levelling up strategy,” boasted Rules. “Rights must be earned, not assumed. Britain has been a soft touch for too long. You cannot simply enter British waters and expect to be treated as a human. The same applies if you’re from The North, which means outside the M25. There will be exceptions, for example if you fall into the ‘Rich as Rishi’ bracket.”

There is a special category for EU nationals living in the UK. They will automatically accrue minus infinity human rights points, meaning they may be herded on to flimsy boats and pushed out to sea by Border Force officials. 

The right to work for a decent wage may be earned. Official estimates show that only 60 years of unpaid work may be needed. Extra points may be earned by doffing your cap to your liege lord. 

Resistance is feudal! I mean, futile! 

CHANGE TOMORROW, CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT NEVER CHANGE TODAY: It’s time to move on. No, not Boris Johnson, but all this talk about him being obliged to resign as Crime Minister.

The charge sheet against Johnson is truly world beating. Botched Brexit deal, inadequate and negligent covid response, breaking the rules, lying, permitting shit in rivers, changing the rules to exonerate a guilty MP, and of course a hundred crimes against fashion. But the work must still get done, and Boris Johnson is the man to ignore it. “I can’t step down now, I’m in the middle of Prime Ministering,” is the official line.

“I see no reason to even suggest this,” said the man himself, in a remarkable five seconds of relative lucidity. “Do you not realise, ipso facto, yes, yes, yes, no, well, of course, that the suggestion is, erm, erm, erm, ridiculous, I’m sorry if you feel that my performance is not up to your Woke expectations, semper eadem, wiff waff, pull the other one, West Ham United nil.”

That clarifies matters enormously.

“Now is not the time!” thundered Johnson decisively, reaching for a go-to catchphrase. “You don’t change urinals mid-stream, if you cut off one head another always grows backwards, never make a promise to a filly that you intend to keep! I will see this job through if it kills you!”

He has a point, though quite what this point is seems to elude him.

Who would we get if Johnson did go? Billionaire man-of-the-people Sunak? Gove, the eternal Brutus? Or the latest pork market-fancying empty vessel, Truss? The lack of depth in the cabinet is truly world beating.

It is possible that Johnson has accidentally reversed into the truth. Maybe now is not the time. Maybe he should be given enough rope, so that he will metaphorically hang himself.

And then we can hang him out to dry.

TOUGH ON DRUGS, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF DRUGS: Some members of the Houses of Parliament are getting worried. New legislation to remove passports from drug abusers is being proposed just as some of the country’s most prominent abusers are readying themselves for a Christmas holiday abroad. 

But nothing will stand in the way of Boris Johnson’s seasonal jolly in the sun. The Westminster rumour mill suggests that Johnson will refuse to hand over any of his passports should any accusation stick. 

There is an additional safeguard in the pipeline. In future, any law that Johnson and his cronies don’t like will simply be removed. 

“What the PM wants, the PM gets,” explained Number Ten lackey Carrie Thecan. “He regards it as a perk of the job. In his own words, ‘Yes, well, no, erm, erm, flim flam, bibble bobble, wiff waff, indeed, jolly good!'” 

Well. You can’t argue with that. 

Thecan explained what this week’s rules mean for the rest of us. 

“Obviously, if you have ever touched drugs, then expect a visit from the Plod,” she said. “This country will not tolerate law breakers, and the only way to get your passport back is to join the Conservative Party, and donate at least £3m to the Ministerial Holiday Fund.” 

So there’s a price list. 

“£3m for a single incident, £10m for a year, £37bn for permanent immunity,” said Thecan. “Bargain if you ask me. Alternatively there’s a Sponsor An MP Scheme. Simply cover their expenses and mum’s the word!” 

It’s an absolute steal, unless you are sponsoring the likes of Michael “Bloke with the Coke” Gove. 

Never mind County Lines, which are bad because small time crooks use them. Westminster Lines are making sure that our overstressed leader can unwind over Christmas. 

So you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. 

IS IT A BIRD IS IT A WAIT WHAT WOW MAN : THE JUSTICE SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has moved to flesh out his incisive comments about the way law and order works in the United Kingdom under Boris Johnson and his cartel.

He reassured everyone (who works in crime and the government) over the weekend when he revealed that the Police do not investigate crimes that are a year old.

“It’s basically just a waiting game,” Mr Raab impressed. “If you can keep the loot hidden for a year or the body buried in the backyard for 365 days you are home and hosed. The police will not get involved after a year. They just lose all interest. It’s the way their minds work.”

And it’s not just high crimes and misdemeanours, little things like lockdown rule breaking Christmas parties are also out of bounds once enough time has passed.

“You can basically do anything if you can keep ahead of the cops for a year,” he reiterated. “Say hundreds of people are dying alone and terrified daily, drowning in their deteriorating lungs because whoever was supposed to be coordinating the response to a pandemic could not be bothered to put up with rabid Tory backbenchers bitching about having to wear a face mask in Harrods? Well if you decide to throw a Christmas party as a reaction to that and break the law, just don’t let anyone find out for a year and you’re invincible. The long arm of the law gets shorter every day that passes.”

And it’s not just the passage of time that sees lawbreakers getting away with it.

“The heavy cocaine use in Westminster is another way to ensure you can’t be held to account,” Mr Raab added. “The police get bored senseless if you were too high to remember the details of your crimes. Jamming several grams of high quality white powder up your nose daily is a get out of jail free card.”

When pressed if the use of nose garbage bestowed the same degree of protection Mr Raab looked puzzled and replied, “I think that’s a matter for trading standards.”

HIT FAST AND HIT EARLY : A STUNNING LEAK from the Home Office this morning shows that world beating Home Secretary Priti Patel is more than a match for Labour’s new Shadow Home Secretary.

While all of progressive social media celebrated the elevation of Cooper (and Lammy) to the front bench anyone paying attention could tell that Priti Patel was unfazed and ready to take on her latest opponent.

“No one can remember who the last Shadow Home Secretary was,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “And once Ms Patel has finished changing the law no one will be able to even say who Yvette Cooper is without risking a lengthy internment.”

It is also said that various ideas where initially floated to deal with Cooper, from wave machines outside Westminster and paying the French to abduct her, but in the end just changing the law was deemed the easiest.

And it seems the law change will have broader benefits for the ruling Conservatives.

“We’ve made great strides in criminalising competence and humanity, attention to detail and focus already, but the new Cooper Law will guarantee total rule for generations to come.”

While the details of the new legislation are being hurriedly cobbled together, the leak says that anyone who can actually read a policy document and think through its implications will be classed as an extremist, have their citizenship removed in a fit of manic laughing by the Home Secretary, and then moved to an immigration deportation facility.

“The moment Cooper starts holding Priti Patel to account and showing her up for the ghastly and inhumane spectacle of tyranny that she is, Ms Patel will prove her right.”

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: Tory MPs caught up in the second jobs scandal are planning to quit their second jobs to avoid unnecessary scrutiny. For most of them, consultancy comes first. 

There’s a truism that allegedly circulates in Tory circles. Private sector good, public sector bad. Tory MPs are belatedly walking up to the fact that their work representing The People is in the public sector. By becoming MPs, they automatically become their own enemy. Small wonder that so many are confused. 

One such MP is Sir Phil McCoffers, who represents Utterleigh-in-the-Mire. “The public sector is bad, isn’t it?” he mused, gradually untangling what passes for lines of thought in his head. “Low paid. High degree of scrutiny. Insecurity. Well I won’t have it any more! The bloody lefties aren’t going to look into my private financial affairs. I can afford to lose the paltry pay, and I’m not waiting around for the plebs in Utterleigh to kick me out. I’m off.”

So can we expect a by-election in the near future? 

“I expect so, we must proceed with the charade of democracy,” said Sir Phil. “The poor bugger who ‘wins’ will have to square the circle of managing the weekly surgery with putting in respectable hours doing international consultancy. Frankly, my time is better spent giving advice than walking through lobbies.” 

Sir Phil is not alone. Many like him are realising that there are better ways to pocket £82k a year which are away from the public gaze. But there are some who will cling to their current occupation. 

“I can rent a flat in London on expenses,” Sir Phil disclosed. “Basically live in the middle of things for nothing, run a couple of mistresses on the public purse. I don’t do this, obviously, but there are some who would not want to give up this perk. Why do you think Boris doesn’t simply resign and scuttle back under a rock?”

It’s a good question. Follow the money, then follow the trousers. 

CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE : GREAT NEWS TODAY for people seeking to buy themselves a piece of the UK’s world beating democracy with the launch of Peer2Peer.

“Peer2Peer is a revolution in access to the inner workings of British parliamentary democracy,” a 10 Downing Street press release reveals. “With just a few simple steps anyone can open an account on our new world beating site and get the peerage they desire.”

Owning a seat in the House of Lords is the new “must have” acquisition for anyone who already “has it all”.

“On Peer2Peer you aren’t limited to buying life peerages for yourself you can also SAVE CHRISTMAS by entering the BARGAIN BASEMENT ZONE and pick up a knighthood for someone you love. Peer2Peer makes unelected, representative democracy truly accessible for anyone who wants in.”

But Peer2Peer won’t just be the preserve of the ultra-wealthy looking to purchase peerages and other honours, there will also be a swap and cash out room for those who have decided it’s time to move on.

“Peer2Peer’s preloved room will allow owners of ermine to sell or trade their peerages with others. If you’re facing a financial squeeze and want to liquidise some assets then the PRELOVED ZONE is the right place for you. Or maybe you want to collect a set of peerages? Just open the app and see who is selling today. Peerages can be sold at a fixed price or auctioned just like on Ebay!”

The only restriction to opening an account is you must be a proven Tory Party donor.

“So long as you’ve donated a penny to the ruling party you can open an account. You’ll receive a link to download the software and if you’ve already hit the minimum threshold of £3m your avatar will be blue lit. If you’re under that if will be red. But don’t fret. The moment you pass the donation threshold your comic character will turn Tory blue.”

Peer2Peer – it will have your neighbour’s green with envy. Sign up today and receive a free copy of the Magna Carta.

*Terms and conditions apply.

THE LIES HAVE IT THE LIES HAVE IT : THE UK’S world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to call a snap general election this weekend to revive his sinking fortunes.

The timing of the next GE is thought to have been a hot topic inside the palace at 10 Downing Street as the ruling couple’s hold on power daily appears more tenuous. Photo shoots in hi-vis vests and ruffled hair will only get you so far as inflation bites and corruption scandals daily fill the papers. A much bigger distraction is now called for.

“A general election will sort it all out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can sell ice to eskimos. He can’t do anything else. He could sell coal to Newcastle. But he can’t do anything else. So he’s got to get back on the campaign trail and sell something. Otherwise the megatsunami of crap he’s called down from the heavens may sweep him away. And where would the country be then?”

It’s expected the decision to go to the polls will be welcomed by the Tory Party’s MPs.

“The next GE must happen before the opposition parties work out that by working together they can crush us. 2024 is too far away. There will be far too much damage from Brexit and over a decade of misrule by then. But if we go now we can pull it off. Then we can blame all the problems on the last government. It’s genius.”

Of course a fresh general election means a fresh manifesto.

“The manifesto we won on 2019 is all played out. We’ve already broken all those promises. Slashing the HS2 in the north and dismantling pensions protections this week has crossed the last tasks off the to do list. But a new manifesto will give us new promises to break. And that’s where Mr Johnson excels.”