Category: Democracy

The Conservative Party has hit back against ridicule over its decling membership by saying it intends to extend voting rights to boiled hams and gammon before next general election.

”This is to compensate for the anticipated loss of traditional voters that could have been expected to swing back to the Conservatives as a result of Brexit if it wasn’t for Jeremy “the principle” Corbyn saying some rather fruity things about migrants and wages,” Michael Gove told LCD Views, “and not firing frontbenchers unless they’re anti-Brexit. My wasn’t Barry “the bollocks” Gardiner lucky.”

It is certainly a bold electoral strategy and presumably designed to attract less criticism than the attempted gerrymandering of constituencies.

”It can be said to be a fair winner takes all change,” Mr Gove said, “as every party can appeal to the boiled and the tinned meat demographic with as much salt in their campaigning as they can get away with. And I’m quietly confident my party can out bigot the others.”

Asked for comment on the change, tin of ham, Mr B Iffer was pleased.

”Since UKIP has become irrelevant with both major U.K. political parties having adopted the totally non-racist agenda of Brexit, I’ve been struggling to work out who I will put an inky cross next to at the next election.”

B Iffer’s comment only provided fuel for critics of the change though.

”See, they’ve been voting already,” Mr L Centrist-Dad told us, “this is just a PR move that will fool no one who has been paying attention to British politics and it’s slow and steady descent into nationalism and idiocy.”

Mr L went on to suggest some kind of mechanism for holding lying ministers to account when the executive was too weak or self interested to would be more useful.

”That’s supposed to be the ballot box,” he sighed, “but with so much of the media dominated by tax exiles and neither Cons or Labour leadership being overly concerned, it seems, about voter manipulation I am a little worried about where we’re headed.”

The gammon is too. They don’t think we’re being ugly enough.

“Get your tin opener out and get out to vote,” Mr Gove added, “personally I think spam is going to choose wisely when the time comes. Don’t you?”

A group of friends with shared interests are happy to have longer in their current venue for their war party.

”It was looking a bit like we needed to find somewhere else to party,” one of the old men said, “like the Korean Peninsula maybe? But happily our current hosts have decided to let us stay longer.”

This is good news, with neighbours of the alternative venue pre-emptively expressing concerns about the anticipated noise of the revellers.

”I’ve a few personal problems right now,” the old man added, “so having somewhere to drop tonnes of bombs helps me face each new day. Unfortunately, a recurring condition with bone spurs stops me getting onto the dance floor personally, but I’m happy to be the DJ all night.”

But what about the others?

”I have a constant need to appear strong and stable at home,” they said together, “snap!”

The woman involved is especially pleased.

”Most people don’t know this, but I have some elections coming up soon, so showing how I can be trusted to mix it up with new moves is timely. It’s also especially good for one of my government’s key industrial strategies.”

Exportimg high explosive death to the world’s tyrannies?

”Boom!” She replied, “you know it!”

And the other fellow?

”I can’t spend all my spare time bareback on horses,” he confided, “the weather needs to be just right. So having a war party some distance away is magnificent. It gives me a chance to show what a good party planner I am. People will line up for my services. I was a little worried a few years back that I wouldn’t get invited, that an international coalition of people whinging about how the party was getting out of hand would close it down prematurely. But that didn’t happen and now I’m on the big stage again. Which I appreciate.”

Numerous friends and acquaintances of the three are also keen to get involved.

”So long as we’re sure to agree the playlist in advance,” the friends chimes, “there’s no reason we can’t potentially keep this party going on and on. The alternative is stopping it and we don’t see that as being in our interests.”

Momentum social media activists have reacted calmly to breaking news this morning of a new centre left political party.

”Do I look bothered?” F Uming told LCD Views class traitor correspondent, “we’re so left we’re so right about everything. As only we represent the people, except for anyone who doesn’t agree with us, you know scum, why would I be bothered?

People who disagree will be re-educated sooner or later. They don’t need a voice as it’s inconceivable they could have any legitimacy.”

F Uming had to stop for a moment to retweet “yellowtorytardenabler” five hundred times at someone sharing news of the new party with a positive spin on it.

So you don’t see a new centre left force in British politics as a threat?

”Only Blairite traitors would vote for them, so what’s to worry about? A rich man’s party only for the rich. Tory enabling scum.”

But some would suggest Jeremy Corbyn is enabling Theresa May’s neocon chums to push through Brexit, in spite of the unceasing evidence of the damage it is causing and will cause? You know, the long game? Is not serving our democracy.

And this is why they will not vote for Corbyn’s Labour, precisely because they believe Brexit will hurt the most vulnerable the most?

”Let’s get one thing straight. Brexit is a Tory project. Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to vote for article 50 before any preparation or real analysis of the impact was done is leadership. He dropped May right in it.”

He votes with the Tories every crunch point…

”Blairite.”

But.

”Blairite scum.”

I didn’t support the Iraq War. And I’ll save you some time, I didn’t support any of the damaging policies brought in from 2010 and believe the bankers should have been held to account for the financial crisis.

”Yellow Tory.”

You’re not addressing my concerns.

”Insulting you is how I win and means you’ll vote for us.”

No. Not when I see your leadership assisting the government in reducing the country and living standards and supporting what I believe is the tax dodger’s dream of Brexit.

Not to mention all the broken promises, lies, suspected voter manipulation wrapped up in Brexit. Also the risk to peace long term on the island of Ireland.

“Tory class traitor.”

And, given that we know half the country, and likely more if you consider polling of people who didn’t vote in the EUref of 2016, don’t want Brexit, shouldn’t the job of the official opposition be to give them a voice?

”You’re a libtard Tory shill,” F Uming won the debate, “I knew it from the moment I saw you. Blairite.”

How will Corbyn afford his social policies, which by and large most centrists and left of agree with, with Brexit?

”I’m still saying Blairite.”

That isn’t an answer.

”Of course it is. Labelling someone who questions the leader a ‘Blairite’ is the way I win every debate online. It’s how we’re going to triumph and create utopia, because who won’t vote for us? We’re so bloody sure we are right. You however, by disagreeing with me are making people homeless.”

You’re not winning me over.

“You don’t matter. Get that into your thick yellow Tory head. We are going to win. At least on Twitter once everyone who disagrees with us has blocked us and we can only talk to ourselves.”

F Uming, thank you for your time.

”Blairite.”

The once-respected BBC has sunk to a new low. Once admired worldwide for its impartial and rigorous programming, it has been reduced to serious discussion of the flat earth theory.

LCD’s Round Things correspondent, Dennis Ball, investigated the likely impact on Global Britain.

“The BBC has sunk to a new low,” Ball began. “Against an astrophysicist, they balanced the panel by including a conspiracy theorist, a woman who thinks the Earth balances on the back of a turtle, and Nigel Farage.”

Things went downhill after that.

“The astrophysicist was shouted down, because she hadn’t personally flown around the earth in a spacecraft,” Ball explained. “Plus she was a vegan, so obviously a subversive and not to be trusted. Meanwhile, the turtle lady was allowed to spout any old idiotic bollocks she liked, without challenge. The conspiracy theorist, when asked to justify his assertions, triumphantly replied, ‘Prove the Earth isn’t flat!’, and described a rim around the edge of the Earth to stop us all falling off.”

What about Farage?

“Oh, there’s a new BBC directive that ensures that Farage appears on the BBC at least once a day,” said Ball. “He proposed creating a rim around Britain to keep our fish away from the EU.”

Ball spoke to the BBC’s Director of Political Output, Craven Acquiescence.

“The BBC must consider many factors,” claimed Acquiescence. “But mainly the licence fee. The government has threatened to sell the BBC to Murdoch for 50p the moment we broadcast something that challenges Brexit. By doing exactly what we’re told, we are preserving the integrity of the BBC for future generations.”

“Explain the contradiction,” demanded Ball. “Doing what you’re told, and preserving integrity? How does that work?”

“Sorry, I don’t understand the question,” replied Acquiescence. “Excuse me, I have a puff piece on Boris Johnson to get ready for Newsnight.”

Ball concluded that Mr Craven Acquiescence has no bollocks. Or, at least, flat ones.

The fire service have reportedly been called to a chocolate factory this afternoon after a woman judged a bad egg fell into a garbage chute.

”She didn’t fall,” Charlie Bouquet, also on the tour told LCD Views, “she made this big song and dance about making the chocolate factory strong and united, which was odd, as all she did on the tour was read things, then she jumped up onto a set of scales used for judging the quality of eggs.”

Apparently the scales didn’t judge her kindly?

”They judged her accurately so far as I can tell. It was a lot nicer once she was dropped into the garbage chute.”

What was the attitude of the factory owner?

”He was funny,” Charlie said, “he saw her about to get onto the scales and he said ‘no, stop, be careful, please don’t’, but he said it quietly. It was almost like he expected her to end up in the chute at some stage of the tour.”

Were the other group members concerned?

”No. They all seemed out for themselves, if you ask me. After the woman went there was only me and little Liam Teevee left. He kept banging on about getting more golden air miles. He was irritating.”

What happened to him?

”He was magically transported through the air and diminished in size. He was very far away from the action by the end.”

The fire service was asked for a progress report on how the search was going.

”Please. We’re, trying, really…hard to locate her,” was the statement, but they didn’t sound like they were really trying to find her at all.

Britain’s loyal army of homeless citizens are overjoyed with the new portrait of Iain Duncan Smith. They are coordinating a campaign to have a shrine set up in every town.

The Foodbankers, as they wish to be known, believe this to be their positive contribution to Brexit. Every pedestrianised shopping centre will have a shrine.

“Each shrine will have similar construction,” claimed coordinator Doggone String. “A base of empty tins of processed peas past their sell-by date. On top, an altar of fried chicken cartons. Finally, a photo of the portrait of IDS torn from the Metro. All weighed down with the foreign coins the public throw at us to be funny.”

String mentioned that he was attempting to have the shrines registered as places of worship. This has a dual purpose. It prevents councils from clearing then away, and gives the scroungers the right to hang about legitimately in a nice warm, dry shopping centre.

Local councillor Tori Privilege was curiously supportive. “It gives these wasters a purpose,” she preached. “They show true British enterprise. We will close the food banks to encourage their transition. Hunger is a great motivator!”

Irritable Duncan Syndrome was feeling very smug, just for a change. “I am delighted to have become so popular!” he slimed. “I am thinking of writing to the Pope to request immediate canonisation.”

The patron saint of bald ambition couldn’t resist a tacky Brexit comment. “The Foodbankers are growing in number, which is a credit to the spirit of the British people,” he oozed. “Looking after one’s community is a clear Brexit dividend!”

IDS explained that he was due to speak to a rally of about 5000 of his loyal fans. He intends to show generosity by taking two tins of sardines and five pitta breads. “That should be more than enough to feed them!” he squelched.

Give a man the Spirit of the British people, and he will never hunger again.

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of EU election crunch time just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with matters in Corbyn’s constituency.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of the local elections just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with local council matters.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

 

The BBC has responded to recent criticism of its coverage of Brexit by asking viewers a question, “What coverage?”

“The question was just a joke,” Radio4 Today programme producer Sarah Sands followed up, “do you know if you google my name you’ll find I spent my career in tabloids before joining the BBC at a crucial time in the Brexit process.

You can also find me having lunch with Rupert Murdoch, Liam Fox, Farage, Banks and others. But that’s not really relevant to my announcement today.”

But what is relevant is the surge of relief that will be felt amongst the increasing volume of license fee players who believe,

“The BBC has totally gone to pot. Taken over by the government and turned into a propaganda service.”

What leverage has the government used?

”Threats to our independence and funding. You know a key function of most governments is to lie to the voter?”

Within acceptable limits? Surely there is a limit between making space while an administration works out how it screwed something up and outright bs?

”Not at the moment! You funny little peasant.”

Great. Channel 4 and even Sky are currently doing better than you a lot of the time now on Brexit. Huffington Post and other new players too. Oh, and don’t forget Carole Cadwalladr, she’s owning it right now on Cambridge Analytica.

”On what? Did you hear John Humphrys read out the bus timetables of his youth for an hour this morning?”

So how are you going to respond to the criticisms?

”We’re certainly not going to do it by clearing out all the old men at the BBC who are helping make a success of Brexit!”

But as Brexit unravels your coverage gets worse and more obviously one sided. It can’t go on.

”I know. That’s why I’m taking Rupert Murdoch’s genius suggestion and we’ll now be running any non-positive Brexit stories with rigorous analysis on a dedicated service. It’s too important a time in the life of our country to ignore it any longer.”

Oh thank god. What channel?

”Ceefax!”

”But Ceefax ceased in 2012!”

“Precisely. Just key in the 000’s. All the zeroes.”

The Northern Powerhouse is being rebooted. Unemployed coal miners from across the North are going to be retrained as social media data miners.

Minister Bernard Castle spoke to LCD’s Out In The Sticks correspondent about this exciting new development.

“We all know how many lost their jobs as the coal mining industry was closed down,” he explained. “They were promised new opportunities, and we are delivering on that promise. It is a price well worth paying for progress.”

Tell that to the miners. How can you describe the deliberate destruction of a thriving industry in order to negate the power of the Trade Unions, as progress?

“It led directly to Brexit,” he babbled. “If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!”

But the Unions gave ordinary people a direct political voice, which the Thatcher government removed.

“Yes, but it was the wrong voice,” said Castle, speaking slowly as if to somebody stupid. “People need to be guided in the correct way of thinking and speaking. They were helped to decide, unanimously, that we should leave the EU. Which brings us back nicely to data mining.”

New opportunities, only 30 years late. Please explain how old men, once adept with pick and shovel, could be utilised to infiltrate social media accounts and analyse personal data.

“One type of mining is much the same as another,” declared Castle. “I went to the North once, so I should know! It’s all about extraction and delivery. Data mining just uses sharper, more high-tech tools. And old men are perfectly social media savvy! Look at any Brexit thread on Facepamphlet. You can spot them by the lack of punctuation, grammar and logic which are the proud products of leaving school at 14.”

The Power in the Northern Powerhouse will be supplied by power stations running on cheap Chinese coal, while rich seams of British coal lie untouched. Newcastle is expecting daily shipments.

The no-longer ex-miners will be paid according to how many floating voters they can persuade to their point of view. They will receive daily guidance from a shadowy figure in Cambridge known only as “Old Nix”.

Subverting the uncertain Will of the People. That’s a jobs first Brexit for you.