Category: Democracy

The Foreign Secretary was coming in for renewed criticism today after an audit of the FCO’s accounts revealed the ministry had spent almost half its annual budget already on dealing with Boris Johnson’s giant pants fire.

“We threw everything we had at it,” an aide to the foreign secretary told LCD Views, while stepping out of the office for some fresh air, “most of the furniture. All the files. I even ripped up a few carpet tiles and pressed them to the pants fire, but nothing, nothing can smother it.”

What about the emergency services?

“Oh, the firefighters gave up responding to our calls over a year ago. Heaven help us if the actual building catches fire. It will probably turn into another great fire of London merely because the 999 operators have been told to screen any calls from our post code. This is to stop whole crews standing baffled at Boris lying through his teeth while real people with real emergencies go unaided.”

And now that Mr Johnson’s butt cheek fats have melted and the charred clothing on the exterior has begun acting like a wick, it’s hard to see the fire ever being extinguished?

“Yes. His recent statements about how the ‘meh’ local election results from Thursday are a mandate for hard Brexit are probably what caused the melt.”

Well at least you’ll have office lighting when the Russians use their internet A-bomb, take down our internet infrastructure and the power supplies with it.

“You’d think that would be reassuring, but the office is a sealed environment. I dread to think of the risk to us all if the ventilation systems stop working and Mr Johnson is still talking.”

Oh the humanity?

“A bunch of serial liars so deceitful they’re turning into bum candles in office for eight years? You can certainly say that. Still, the special candle holder we had commissioned to replace his office chair may have blown the budget, but it gives the place a modern look.”

We asked Mr Johnson for a personal statement regarding his candle in the wind position and he replied,

“With my bright, burning buttocks all I have to do now is moon the world to shine a light for Global Britain. Every time I fart you’ll see a flare.”

The mighty British government was in a celebra-tory mood today after strong and stable local election results yesterday.

“We thought we were toast chum, I don’t mind telling you,” B Astard (MP for Always) told us over lunch, “but the immigration scandals really gave us the boost we needed late to get the kippers back onside. What a relief. UKIP has returned to the host and mostly brought its votes with it. It provides certainty for the international community too. Yes. We are what you think we are now, apparently. Well, not all of us, but enough to keep the toxic environment chugging along until, well, I’m not quite sure when, this is day by day stuff.”

And it certainly seems where the Conservatives were expected to get trounced by the unstoppable momentum of the Labour train, at least as far as the group think of Momentum was concerned, the Cons came away largely unscathed.

“I have to say too,” B Astard continued, sipping his prosecco, “I really prefer champagne. This stuff is a bit rum.”

There’s no rum in it. It’s straight sparkling fizz.

“Well, if you say so, you’re picking up the tab. I’ve already filed expenses for a new radiator bed for my pet tiger this month and I don’t want the bean counters after me again.”

How about we get back to the election result? Would you like to share some of my duck pate?

“Scrummy. Don’t mind if I do. It’s a gift and it keeps giving. Strong and stable taste to it. What what?! Here we were thinking we were slowly sinking into the political quicksand with the flipping Maybot at the helm, but it seems Labour is giving us a leg up by fighting for the same votes and ignoring the ones we can’t touch.”

Do you think Labour will learn anything from the big swing to Liberal Democrats and the Greens?

“Not if they listen to the BBC and its ferociously efficient clarity destroying overpaid correspondents discussing politics and this result they won’t! Ha!”

The Labour left, which will be all that’s left if they continue as they are, were found in a ponderous mood this morning, much like their local election results, as their grassroots campaigning style has shown itself unable to smash to bits the worst government anyone can remember in the first national poll since the general election.

“I won’t take this quietly,” a Momentum activist told us this morning, “I’m getting right on social media today and blaming the press smears and the yellow tory Blairite scum for this result.”

But what about Corbyn’s position on Brexit? Surely not offering a credible alternative on the biggest and most divisive issue facing the country is making many go ‘meh’ when they think about voting for you?

“See! This is exactly the reason we didn’t do as well as we deserved to. The morning of the ‘meh’ result and here you are undermining the leader still! You’ve been brainwashed by Murdoch and Dacre. It’s all your fault.”

I don’t even read those papers. I glance at the front pages to know what they’re targeting, but I am not swayed by fake news and propaganda. I look for facts to base my wild speculations on. I think you won’t do anything but keep the Tories in power so long as you enable them on Brexit.

“But we have to fight for the UKIP voters or we risk losing seats! They’re the only voters that matter now! Don’t you get it? We’ve had JC saying friendly things for kippers about immigrant workers. Perhaps we need to go further? We’ll have to think about it.”

What about being an actual official opposition and tearing the Tories to shreds on all the obvious lies, corruption, collusion, rule flouting, risks, losses and calamity associated with Brexit?

“Don’t be silly. That would endanger the long game.”

Which is?

“Beats me. But I think it’s supposed to be Lexit. At least we know the BBC will obsess on the anti-Semitism issue and what that did to our vote, which it certainly hurt, and not our leader’s habit of whipping our MPs in support of May.”

Yes. The BBC have got your back…

The U.K.’s governing Murdoch/Putin coalition cabinet met in secret last night, purportedly to discuss more realistic solutions for how to crash the U.K. economy the fastest. But…

”That’s bollocks, it was to decide who will be the next prime minister, now that Theresa May is dead in the water,” Sajid Javid told LCD Views, while turning stones over to hide toxic policies he may have voted for while in a lesser ministerial role.

“By the way, do you know where the shredders are? I understand that’s a vital function of my new office.”

We assume there’s a bank of them in the basement, next to the incinerator and behind the compost heap?

”I’ll send someone down to confirm.”

But what about the cabinet meeting?

”Oh, well don’t print this, okay?”

Pinky promise?

”Nice.”

Pinkies we’re locked and shook.

”It’s going to be Boris Johnson as prime minister, but with Jacob Rees-mogg put up for show, the comedy contender, to keep the swivel eyed loons happy.”

Isn’t Boris the comedy contender? I mean, he’s built his whole career on being a clown.

”He’s deadly serious about his own ambitions. I wouldn’t joke about that. He’ll have you and your wife.”

But why now? Surely the Queen of Brexit needs to still be on the throne for when the calamity happens so she can draw the fire while the rest of you scramble about asset stripping and ripping the accumulated rights of decades out of the hands of the distressed hoi polloi?

”You’re kidding me? I didn’t think they’d send a rookie to interview one of the most important offices of state. What a joke.”

I was being serious. Help me.

”Boris PM. Gove chancellor. People revolt. Corbyn becomes PM and that old commie McDonnell chancellor and they do Brexit. We then make our money but avoid the political responsibility. It’s crystal bloody clear. Crystal means crystal, just so you know.”

Her Majesty’s ship of state has indicated it is to introduce an emergency bill through parliament today in order to ensure non-disclosure of today’s local election results tomorrow.

The bill, which has a working title of ‘The Great Rout” has been criticised by opposition MPs though for not going far enough.

“The government would be more secure if proceedings in both houses were private,” an aide to Jeremy Jam Tommorow Cordorouy Unicorn Fudge Why Did Labour Hand Voter Details to Vote Leave? told us, “this stuff with the Lords is going to make us look a bit bloody pointless as an official opposition if we vote against those amendments and in the government’s favour when the entire Withdrawal Bill shitshow returns to us. Why not kill all the birds with one stone?”

But the government hit back at the criticism.

”They’re just worried their activists will pass out from exhaustion blaming the limited surge in Labour votes in the locals on Blairite Libdem scum and EU citizen insurgents, rather than Jezza’s enabling of Brexit. If, and it’s only an if, given the horrors of austerity, they don’t get the expected surge today tomorrow.

It’s just possible those EU citizens and their British chums will take this opportunity to vote against being made second class citizens by the collusion between the governing executive and Labour front bench.

They’re panicked.

We’re ahead of the curve. We know we’re so shafted by our own vileness and lies we aren’t even bothering to campaign anywhere that doesn’t have a significant racist, I mean UKIP vote.

We invite the so called official opposition to work with us in making sure no one knows tomorrow what happens today.

I’m personally tabling an amendment to the great rout to force newly elected councillors to sign NDA’s so they can’t tell anyone they were elected today tomorrow.”

Asked to hit back at the retort Labour abstained, as it did in the Lords the other night on the option to give the public a vote on whatever humilitating nonsense of a deal May comes back from the EU with. If it gets that far.

We did also take the opportunity to ask the Labour representative why they didn’t whip their MPs to vote last night in the commons to force disclosure of the Windrush documents?

Given the justifiable assault they’ve made on the institutionally racist policies put in place by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 – 2016.

”Strong and stable,” they replied, “we need May to be as stable as possible so we don’t actually have to have any responsibility for Brexit. On that score may I wish them all the best in today’s local elections.

If we accidentally win Wandsworth and the Cons wipe out broadly, it’s going to make our Brexit fencesitting very difficult going forward. Today and tomorrow. We have to be careful not to be in government when the car industry departs.”

Elder British statesman Nigel Farage has clarified his call for the abolition of the House of Lords by stating he’ll “stop calling for abolition of the Lords if they make him one.”

The offer will be a timely relief for the Lords who suddenly find themselves anti-establishment heroes for their insistence on doing the job they’re unelected to do.

”My preference is for an elected upper house,” Herr Farage added, “just a lot smaller. I’m sure with the right persuasion and vote rigging and dark money channeled into the campaign by someone with an insurance business as an alleged front, the will of the people would be shown to be to have a small House of Lords handpicked with ballot boxes stuffed by myself and Cambridge Analytica employees.”

High Commander Farage went on then to list the people he felt should be elected with a one hundred percent vote in their favour.

”Myself of course. Arron. Dacre. Murdoch. Vladimir. Trump. Arlene. Kate. Corbyn. Hannan. It’s a decent list of proven word artists. Basically anyone who can be relied upon to back Brexit to the hilt. Oh, and hanging. And gun ownership. And tax liberalisation. And opposition to climate change. And changing history courses in schools to reflect what children should learn.”

Whether or not Theresa May will give in and award Farage a peerage will depend upon which threats she receives via snail mail from Jacob Rees-mogg and the other serial chancers of the ERG.

”Elected representatives have proven themselves to be very malleable and easily startled. Just look at the nonsense parliament currently is with two major parties scared racists won’t vote for them. It’s high time we did away with that lack of fear in the upper house.”

What Lord Nigel would be Lord of is open to suggestions.

Move over, roast beef. A recent poll has revealed that the new national dish of Britain, as voted for by you, the people, is gammon. 52% of voters decided that the image of Britain needed to change forever.

The pink, salty substance has increased in popularity over the last few years. Made from the rear end of pigs, the resemblance of social media loudmouths to gammon is startling.

To explain further, we asked celebrity chef Ollie James to put his snout in the trough for us.

We met at James’ latest pop-up restaurant, in this week’s trendy London postcode. Named ‘Propa Geeza’, should you wish to pay a visit, it specialises in what James calls “traditional English grub”.

“Gammon is a truly magnificent meat,” gushed James in broad Mockney. “Think pink! Propa pukka grub, innit? Boil for an hour, cover in honey and breadcrumbs and roast until it falls apart. Luvverly jubbly. Boosh!”

No garlic? we ventured. No jus, no wine, no bizarre ingredients?

“Nah, I leave that to Blooming Hestonthal,” drawled James. “Gammon is tasteless and fatty, and archetypically English. Here, try a bit!”

Customer Pat Riot was enjoying her dinner. “I love me gammon,” she said through a mouthful of meat. “I’ve got the Full English Special, with potatriots and lots of vegetables. I won’t have mustard, not since Colman’s moved to Germany, it ain’t right innit?”

“I pig out here every day,” she continued. “Ollie provides wi-fi so I can keep in touch with other gammon lovers and moan about idiots who won’t touch the stuff. ITS NATRUAL YU DUM F***,,, IF YU DO,,NT LIKE ARE FOOD THEN GO AWAY ITS THAT SIMPLE!!*/!”

A whistleblower has revealed that, during polling, Danish gammon producers paid for social media advertising in an attempt to skew the vote. Copenhagen Analytica have denied the allegations. Telling porkies in order to bring home the bacon? Doesn’t sound fishy at all.

A planned game of ‘Where’s Wally’ in the House of Commons has had to be scrapped as it was just too easy to find a Wally.

“It was supposed to liven up the atmosphere, as things are a bit down in the mouth lately,” leader of the house for the Conservatives, Andrea Leadsom MP (how?) told LCD Views, before going onto Radio 4 WATO to talk absolute bollocks unchallenged about ditching membership of the customs union.

She came back to us afterwards.

“Everyone is so down these days, we thought, why not put a spin on the classic book series of Where’s Waldo? and try and raise a little bit of money for Boris Johnson and Michael Gove’s potential need for a legal defence fund in the future.

You know, after that Cambridge Analytica scandal plays out fully, just in case they end up caught in it in spite of being completely innocent in everything they do and never, ever lying about anything.

I may add, the CA fuss seems to be ongoing with absolutely no pressure or help from Jeremy Corbyn and the rest of the Labour leadership.

But who cares about a little potential corruption of our democracy by malicious actors when Lexit is on offer, hey? Party before country is the way for us on both sides now. Ideology before common sense. It ain’t so common!”

To make the fundraising possible it was agreed that anyone in the Commons known to be a bit of a wally would put on a beanie hat and take their usual seat.

“Then everyone else had to try and find them,” Andrea explains, “once they were found they would have to donate to the possible defence fund. Anywhere from upwards of £350M a week! It was very enticing.”

But it seems that after all the beanie hats were dished out the chamber was found to be composed of so many Wally’s that the game was pointless.

“When you take in every remain MP that is now supporting Brexit, in spite of knowing it’s a suicide mission to make the 1% richer, and then add in the ERG and the Lexiters and all the MPs too gutless to speak up for truth…

You know those ones, the under the radar type who hope if they just keep their heads down on the subject somehow they’ll emerge unscathed, even though the entire country is set to be bought, sold and stripped of its component parts, before being sold on again. Those ones.”

That’s an awful lot of Wally’s!

“I know. The game was unplayable. Only Ken Clarke, Grieve, Soubry, Chuka (although he could change his positioning any day with the winds, but right now he’s in full remain mode…so…) and some others were found to not be wearing hats.”

Why don’t you turn it about and make the game to find the MPs that aren’t Wally’s?

“Oh my God! We never thought of that,” Leadsom nodded enthusiastically, “just like we never thought creating a toxic set of policies and setting out to make life as miserable as possible for as many vulnerable groups in the country as possible, so as to forment discord and confusion and sow the seeds for Brexit, would ever rebound on us.”

Good luck. You won’t raise as much money spotting the MPs that aren’t Wally’s currently, but at least the game will be playable. By the way, love the beanie.

“Thanks,” Ms Leadsom replied, “I put mine on even before we thought of playing Where’s Wally!”

The developers of the new console game ‘Wolfenstein : Brexit edition’ have revealed in a sneak preview to LCD Views that every end stage boss in Brexit is a Farage.

“It explains why most levels end in a bar with the player’s avatar hurling empty pint glasses and full ashtrays at a computer generated Nigel,” head developer Mr Wonder told us, “although there are various other lower order servants of the hard right, servants of lies with allegedly dodgy money trails to cover over, that you have to defeat as you go.”

Katie Tosskins. Arron Spanks. Jacob Grease-ogg and many other figures that remind people of someone they may have seen spouting absolute bollocks on a BBCQT also feature.

“But every level has a Farage. Until the very end boss in the game. But there’s plenty of fun as you go. One Nigel you have to crash a light aircraft with. Another you have to defeat him by pretending you’re going skinny dippy with him at Brighton, but then not jumping when he does. But listen to me waffle, I’m giving away spoilers!”

And who’s the very end boss?

“You’ll have to play and find out, it’s either Putin or Murdoch or a hybrid of both.”

But campaigners against democracy in the United Kingdom, UKIP, and members of the ERG in the Conservative Party have criticised the game developers.

“All the foot soldiers are UKIP members,” a local UKIP party organiser told us, “I mean. I remember my grandkids playing the original game in the 1980’s and the baddies in that game were all of a certain political persuasion. I’m not sure what the game developers of the modern game, Brexit edition, are trying to say?”

Asked to respond to that Mr Wonder said, “it’s okay. We’re definitely not trying to demonise Brexiters, or we would have made a new version of DOOM instead. We’re just reflecting modern British life at the moment, the plethora of useful idiots being used by dark powers. It’s what all creative people do. Anyone who is offended needs to have a look at who they’ve made their master and what agenda they’ve signed up to.”

News is leaking out today of war inside the Conservative cabinet over who gets to be face of the party’s official campaign beer.

“We decided we couldn’t compete with Labour and the Liberal Democrats and the Greens and SNP and well, everyone, in the social media game so we thought we’d produce a beer,” said head of campaign strategy, Richard Head from Head, More Head and Serve, who are handling the Conservative’s local election campaigning, “it was supposed to be small beer. But it’s turned out to be as difficult as organising a piss up in a brewery for our clients.”

Surely that had have been anticipated? Can you name one area of life in the UK they haven’t screwed up?

“Don’t ask me about all that. I’m just here for the highly paid job. Although I’m being paid through a series of shell companies offshore. But don’t print that. I’m sub-contracting to the contractor who has the contract and well, it’ll all end up in property in Mayfair anyway.”

So what’s gone wrong?

“Nothing. I own several apartments already. Which I refuse to rent out.”

No, what’s gone wrong with the campaign?

“Oh. Sorry. Well it seemed a bloody simple idea.

Blowhard Beer – Proper British Beer. Drink some Tory and spit.

Great slogan. Easy to swallow and just as easy to say.

We mocked up some poster designs under the heading “Order Order”, as it is expected to also help fund the Tory party from sales of Blowhard now their business donors are deserting them over that little SM and CU sex scandal thing, or whatever it is, but…”

But it seems when it came time to pick the cabinet member to be the face of Blowhard was when the trouble started.

“Hammond was clearly right out. Although he was a bit annoying. He kept getting his calculator out and pointing out how many cases of Blowhard we’d have to shift to turn a profit. But we could just ignore him like Theresa told us to do. No. It was Boris and Davis that caused the problem as they both felt they were the most qualified to front the campaign.”

It seems the issue came to a head in the cabinet meeting yesterday when both men turned up dressed as beer bottles, having been privately reassured by Theresa May they had the job.

“I think she wants to fight and for it to go public,” Richard Head said, “she can’t bring herself to sack Boris. She’s hoping a drunken public brawl with Davis might kill two birds with one stone.”

Blowhard will go on sale regardless in the next few days.

“We do have an alternative,” Dick reassured, “we can always call it Scapegoat and put Amber Rudd on the label whether she likes it or not.”