Category: Democracy

The government has combined all its policies into one big, wobbly mess of a policy called Universal Discredit. This policy promises to deliver every single manifesto promise in one go. The people of the UK are still waiting to see the results, eight years later. DWP spokesman Dunn O’Whatimdoing hails it as “The greatest innovation in policy-making the world has ever seen”.

Universal Discredit was designed, at phenomenal cost, to replace all the committees, think-tanks, and (dare we say it) experts previously employed. Huge sums have been deployed on offices, directors, art and other necessities. O’Whatimdoing describes it as “Outstanding value for money”.

It is the brainchild of Iain Dunderhead Smith, a man whose ability to turn gold into base metal is rivalled only by Chris Grayling. A brainchild without a heart, or even a brain, is normally allowed to die peacefully, but this one has been pampered indulgently.

Critics have described Universal Discredit as “A highly inefficient way to transfer public money into the pockets of private individuals.” In Denial Smith counters: “It does exactly what it is designed to do.”

The pinnacle of Universal Discredit is Brexit, of course. Brexit is the archetypal one-solution-fits-all, and is now the government’s sole policy. Leaving the EU will obviously solve immigration, save the NHS, boost international trade to unprecedented levels and even make the sun shine more often. Even though nobody quite understands how Brexit will cause any of this to happen.

The beauty of Universal Discredit is that it means the government never has to take credit for it. Nor blame. Nor accept any word of caution or dissent. Critics of Universal Discredit are universally discredited.

The difficulty of changing over to Universal Discredit was, typically, underestimated, if indeed it was considered at all. Every attempt to shrink the state has failed, because the state has shrunk as much as naturally possible. Leading political astrophysicist Skye Watcher describes Brexit as “An attempt to make the state implode, creating a black hole where once there was democracy.”

The event horizon of the black hole will cover the entire UK. Nobody will survive. But at least no more foreigners will ever come here again. Wave your blue passports in joy and prepare for oblivion!

LCD Views can report on rare social media consensus today with the decision to rebrand the offensive act of upskirting “Choping” in honour of Christopher Choping Tory MP.

”It’s the will of the people,” Professor Fcuken Oldman told LCD Views, “here we have a bill to criminalise an act of sexual harassment made possible by new technology, the law catching up with the times, and a Tory dinosaur and his chum set out to block it on the grounds of not enough scrutiny?”

These will be the same ERGing idiots who smashed through fifteen amendments to the biggest constitutional change to the country since WW2 earlier in the week?

”The very same. The men helping orchestrate a bonfire of our rights. The people tearing up the deal with the devolved administrations as fast as they can spit in the eye of anyone who objects.”

Something of a double standard.

”You could say that. But double standards are the go to position of many modern politicians. Curiously many of them Brexiters. Although there’s probably no connection. Just a coincidence.”

Yes! Let’s be clear! Not all ageing Tory party Male MPs are defenders of perverts!

”No! There is absolutely no justification for the cliche that old Tory men are perverse.”

Not at all. No evidence.

But why did he do it? The bill, albeit a private bill by a Liberal Democrat MP, Wera Hobhouse, had the backing of Theresa May.

”I can only speculate.”

Do it.

”Did you hear about the report slamming Universal Credit for the cruel piece of incompetent crap it is, which is all it could ever be given it was the brainchild of Iain Duncan Smith?”

No I didn’t.

”Draw your own conclusions. Boris can’t be used as the dead cat on the table every day. Sometimes you have to pick a backbench MP no one has heard of to do the job. Like when Anne-Marie Morris had the whip withdrawn for racist language. She later had it returned. Job done.”

Couldn’t it be Chope and his mate Phillip Davies just decided to be a pair of pricks? Because they could?

”It’s possible. They’re certainly that.”

So as a result we’re all agreed that upskirting is now Choping?

”It’s the will of the people.”

Fantastic news for viewers of traditional democracy live on Auntie today with the announcement that the BBC is to dig up Oswald Mosley and stick him in a chair for BBCQT tonight.

”It’s part of our commitment to balance,” executive producer, Mr Ethics Outsourced, BBC upper management, told LCD Views, “some of the insane Brexiters will stick on the panel week in and week out are a bit soft for the gammon in the audience. We’ve taken steps to address their concerns.”

Lord Haw-Haw, Lord Profumo and Nigel Farage are also pegged to be on the panel tonight with an ancient man adjudicating the discussion to ensure nothing factual gets in the way.

”Facts ruin a good narrative,” the producer enlarged, “they tend to damage ratings in a way that is entirely unacceptable for a fully, forcibly publicly funded organisation such as the Beeb. So we choose the majority of our panelist’s accordingly and then stick in some remainiac for everyone, including the chair, to shout over.”

As to Mr Mosley’s feelings about the excremation amd appearance on television? He appears remarkably relaxed.

”I’ll do it for the fatherland,” he commented, “I’ve had a good enough rest anyway. Seventy odd years is more than enough for Europe to largely be at peace and doing its best to work together. Just think of the commercial prospects for tailors? Fascists are very fashion conscience.”

UK arms dealers are also greatly encouraged. Lately they’ve been coming in for a bit of stick over the whole Saudi and Yemen thing. Being able to sell the bombs straight to the government and not face the hassle of exporting? That will see balance sheets firmly in the black.

Tune in tonight and just be sure to have a sick bag handy as the BBC hammers the unchallengeable, totally democratic line at you that the people have decided. Mostly to go back to the 1930’s.

The office for parliamentary standards is coming under fire today for issuing a special ‘Stop, drop and roll’ guide to MPs who find their consciences burning during this week’s votes on the Lords amendments to the Henry VIII bill.

“It’s just another waste of taxpayer cash,” a campaigner against government waste told LCD Views, “most of the members of parliament are right now infernos in this regard. They don’t care. They’re going to be charred to the core and still not care.”

But others weren’t so dismissive.

“There are those in parliament that are signalling they just need a push to not ruin the United Kingdom. A handy guide for what action to take as they head to the division lobbies today and tomorrow maybe useful.”

The Palace of Westminster said it is prepared for the possibility of MPs rolling on the ground during voting.

“Mostly they roll like sheep down a hill with the whip. But some don’t. Although we had anticipated many rolling around trying to put out massive pants fires following speeches. That is par for course. Burning consciences will be a novelty to handle at least.”

But the critics weren’t to be dissuaded.

“Even if a lot of them read the guide and take the appropriate action it just leaves them free, burning conscience extinguished, to get up, walk on and begin smouldering again.”

Still, the issuers of the guide stand behind it.

“Not always you understand,” the spokesperson said, “we’ve published it on paper normally used as toilet paper, just in case a few hundred Tory MPs, and a good bunch of their colleagues on the Labour front bench, decide to wipe their backsides with it, seeing as they clearly don’t have consciences to burn in the first place.”

Billionaire Brexit backer Arron Banks admitted to reporters Tuesday that his memories of his numerous boozy lunches with Russian embassy officials prior to the Brexit referendum were “a little hazy” but claimed that it was perfectly understandable given the volume of vodka consumed.

“Apparently it’s traditional in Russia to make down-in-one vodka toasts to every person present and at least three generations of their ancestors,” he hiccupped confirming that the toasts were in the form of popular vodka cocktails.

However he declined to confirm whether any of the cocktails he consumed might have been a “LEG SPREADER” (1 part vodka, 1 part tequila, 1 part gin, 1 part rum), a “TIGHT SNATCH” (1 part vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 1 part orange juice, 1 part cranberry juice), a “GOLDEN SHOWER” (1 part vodka, one part orange juice, half a lemon a splash of triple sec and a ginger ale) or a “BEND OVER SHIRLEY” (raspberry vodka with a dash of grenadines topped up with sprite).

“You’ll need to ask the nice embassy barman, Mr Novichok, exactly what was in them. All I know is they did the absolute business and now we’re exiting the European union, like a brick down a well, or indeed like a vodka cocktail down the throat of a Russian embassy guest” he belched.

Russian embassy barman Colnel Boris Novichok, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Aaron had nothing to worry about as embassy officials had videoed all the lunch dates and would be happy to let him view them at any time he finds convenient.

“Aaron may have overdone it a little with the caviar and vodka cocktails but let me assure him that nothing untoward happened and that neither he nor Shirley needed to worry their tight little snatches over their legs, or indeed videos of them, being spread any further,” he winked, adding that the Embassy would be happy to host Aaron, for another round of Golden Showers, any time he chooses.

“That’s President Trump’s personal favourite, and one we always keep on hand in case he drops by,” he leered, fingering a pager.

“Aaron is a great friend of Russia, and I don’t mean just because he’s one of the few people who has ever lived who can make former soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev look handsome,” he laughed.

Novichok added that if Banks was embarrassed by recent publicity over his embassy lunches or didn’t have time to pop in for another round of cocktails the embassy would be more than happy to arrange a home delivery.

“We have just mixed a special batch of “ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER” ( equal parts vodka, rum, tequila, gin, blue curacao plus some special ingredients) which we’d be more than happy to pop round and smear over his door handle – errr I mean drop off for him to enjoy in his own time,” he cooed, smirking sinisterly.

This year, the classic sitcom “Dad’s Army” turns 50, and the anniversary is being marked in a very bizarre way – with a remake. Granted, remakes are not uncommon in themselves, but this one is sure to raise eyebrows.

Called “Vlad’s Army”, it follows the antics of the people fighting for British independence from the EU. Led by Captain May Waring (played by Theresa May), it depicts the day-to-day struggles of the forces striving to make Brexit a reality. Vladimir Putin himself has a small part as the Colonel in overall charge of the region.

Sgt Wilson, whose catchphrase “do you think that’s wise?” is also still very much in evidence, is to be played by Jeremy Corbin, while the captain’s off-screen wife Elizabeth, before whom the brave British bulldog used to cower like a simpleton whenever she called, has an on-screen part in the new version, and is played by Arlene Foster.

Corporal Jones in the new version is played by David Davis, again with his original catchphrases “don’t panic” and “they don’t like it up ‘em” still in full force.

Private Frazer, the grumpy Scot with the catchphrase “we’re doomed” is played here by Nicola Sturgeon, while Private Walker, the spiv always out to make a profit for himself, is now to be played by Donald Trump.

The hardest bit of casting was for “stupid boy” Private Pike. Boris Johnson was a strong contender for a long time, but ultimately the role has been given to Nigel Farage. Fans of Boris however will be relieved to see that he is still in the show as Private Godfrey, with his catchphrase of “may I be excused?”

The theme song has also been rewritten:

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Churchill
If you think we’ll vote remain?
We are the boys who will stop your little game!
We are the boys who will spin you in your grave!
So who do you think you are kidding Mr Churchill
If you think we’ll rise again?

The one surviving member of the original cast, Ian Lavender, said in an interview about this remake:

“I’m turning in MY grave already and I’m not even dead! I think I can say with certainty that the rest of the cast and the writers are doing the same.”

If the deceased are indeed all spinning in their graves, there’s a good chance it could generate enough energy to power the country for decades to come. So I guess every cloud really does have a silver lining.

Wonderful, just wonderful and fantastic news today with the announcement by local pressure group Momentum that they are rebranding as Abstention and relaunching their special brand of small hall focused politics with a sandwich cream.

We were invited along especially to the press conference, which was given at the smallest town hall ever constructed in England, just off the coast of Norwich on an islet most people have forgotten is still there. But it’s still campaigning, even if no one will bother to report it, so there.

”Perfect place to continue to build momentum,” our guide, a nineteen year old sociology student who stands to inherit millions once he gives up the commie stuff and agrees to run Dad’s oil company, as is his birthright,

“are you going to Jeremybury next week? Fab party in the park. Nothing better to get together and sing some songs while the country decays into the state needed for revolution. Da comrade? Da?”

Da. Now, what about this sandwich spread?

”Oh phew, for a horrible moment from the bad look in your capitalist’s eye I thought you were going to ask why Corbyn keeps siding with May on Brexit.”

Let’s talk about the sandwich spread first and get to the minor stuff later?

”Yes. Otherwise I’ll organise a pile on on all social media platforms in the hope of bullying you out of the debate.”

I’m used to it. I saw through Corbyn in 2016 when it came to Brexit. As Brexit will rule all and make all the positive policy ideas of Labour impossible, I’ve been questioning for a while.

”You lack purity of essence. That’s your problem. You’re now personally responsible for rough sleepers. You Blairite scum.”

Save it for after we publish. Tell me about the sandwich spread?

”Oh. Right. It has purity of essence all through it.”

But why call it Abstention?

”Because that’s all we do as the official opposition. Abstain. Remember, Lexit is more important than the NHS.”

So it’s a fresh, principled, new kind of sandwich spread?

”It sure is. Here, have a taste.”

Tastes bloody cynical to me.

”That’s because you’re scum. Now, would you like to join Abstention? It’ll only cost you all the manufacturing jobs the United Kingdom has left.”

In a shock move Tuesday, former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has denied that he ever claimed to be Nigel Farage.

Speaking live on his early evening radio chat show “Drive you round the bend time with Nigel Farage”, Farage denied categorically that he had ever confirmed that his name was or ever had been Nigel Farage.

“True, Nigel Farage did claim that Britain would be better off outside the EU. Yes he did support the claim we send £350m to Brussels every week and we should spend that money on the NHS instead. And he absolutely did claim that 70% of UK laws are made in Brussels when in fact it’s only about 13%, but did I ever say I was Nigel Farage? ” cackled a red eyed unshaven Farage casually slipping a small bottle labelled “serum” into the pocket of his silk lined cloak.

Breaking off from his demented monologue to take calls to the phone-in segment of the show, Farage, or “not Farage” as he claimed to be, was nonplussed by one caller demanding to know how he, Nigel Farage, as the host of his own radio show, named after him, Nigel Farage, could blithely deny being Nigel Farage, the person named as hosting the radio show, “Drive you round the bend time with Nigel Farage”.

Momentarily flummoxed and unable to answer, Farage announced a commercial break, returning a few minutes later clean shaven and relaxed.

“Well, it’s quite simple,” he coughed.

“I don’t know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a political butterfly, or whether I am now a political butterfly, dreaming I am a man,” he explained, paraphrasing fourth century Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi who he also confirmed he had never heard of. Probably.

“Either that or I need to have a word with my GP, Dr Jekyll, about this vitamin tonic he has me on…” he added.

In other news, Broadway producer Harvey Winebottle has confirmed that he is keen to cast Farage to play the lead role in his up-coming stage musical version of “Fanny by Gaslight”.

“Clearly Nigel’s ability to make the most outrageous statements and then blithely harass listeners into agreeing that he never said them, demonstrates an uncanny ability at “gaslighting” that can only benefit the show,” said Winebottle.

“While the rest of the title is something he is clearly, equally synonymous with,” he winked.

The UK’s members of parliament are to vote on all the Lords amendments to the EU Withdrawal Bill next week. This asks the best minds the United Kingdom can assemble under one generous benefits package if they’d like to continue doing the job they’re paid for or be replaced by a giant rubber stamp? I was going to write “members to decide whether or not to firm up or just be a giant catalogue of dildos”, but that seemed crass.

“It’s a tough call,” one MP told LCD on the condition of anonymity, “thinking can be really hard. The option to carry on letting May and Davis and other titans do the thinking for me is pretty tempting.”

They also have to weigh in the risk of demanding parliamentary sovereignty over the minor matter of Brexit and risk the wrath of offshore tax exile media barons calling them traitors to democracy, a democracy said media barons feed off but arguably don’t help pay for.

“My brain actually hurts. I’m trying to please all of the people all of the time, and it’s really difficult,” J C of N Islington told us, “I’m actually very excited about a little party I’m throwing in a park a few days later. The whole country is slowly turning into a steaming pile of autocratic shit and I’m planning a party? Does that make me a commie? It’s better to sit this one out quietly in the corner and keep getting paid whether or not I do the vital job in a adversarial representative parliament that I’m paid for? A bit like a pampered domestic cat. An old one. One who likes the fire lit early in the afternoon. I let other people do the planning for me.”

Complicating the issue is the overwhelming anxiety of getting voted out at an election if they end up carrying a can hardly any of them think should be carried to begin with.

“Look. I had a friend who wanted to jump off a cliff. It was a very high cliff. I told them it was a bad idea. They said they were going to anyway, but could I give them a lift to the cliff as they didn’t have any bus fare.

So I drove them to the cliff. They’re still at the edge of it, last I looked, now I’ve got to decide whether or not I push them off, pull them back, or just hold hands and jump with them.

If I manage to land on top of them I might come away with only a broken hip. I’m sure they won’t survive the fall. It’s really difficult to decide what to do.”

Still, next week, they get to all decide together at least in a mad rush something that should be deliberated over for a very long time.

If they choose to become a rubber stamp it will make future choices much easier.

“I’m probably going to vote to become a big rubber stamp. That way, whatever happens afterwards won’t be my fault.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to finish reading this little article on ‘The Glorious Revolution’. I’m not really sure what that was all about. It was so long ago now.”

Digby Jones is the latest pot to call the kettle black. The unelected, unaccountable Lord of the Realm is railing against EU officials doing their jobs.

Poor Digby has lost sight of some of the facts. The EU is governed the same way that the UK is. Elected MEPs debate and decide. Then civil servants work to make it happen. There’s a word for these civil servants, which may inform Digby’s prejudice. Experts.

LCD’s Parachuted Politicians correspondent spoke to friend and fellow Lord, Lady Lawdown, to gain an insight into His Lordship’s state of mind.

“He’s a crossbencher for starters,” she said tartly. “That means nobody has to sit next to him!”

But isn’t he an expert businessman? After all he was director general of the CBI, and made a lord so he could join the government?

“Yes, but nobody is quite sure how he managed it,” replied Lady Lawdown. “He has made a career of being kicked upstairs. Not so much CBI, more like CBA.”

CBA?

“Can’t Be Arsed,” Her Ladyship retorted.

“I am a Lord, which makes me both Right and Honourable!” Jones broke in. “How dare you!”

“Hush, Digby dear, you will go all gammony again,” said the Lady, consolingly. “It’s not a good look, the whole of Twitter will be mocking you. Here, put some pineapple on your face and chill.”

“Anyone fighting against Brexit is a destructive remoaner!” he persisted. “Traitors! Denying me my right to cream off even more taxpayers’ money! Stop being obstructive, and let’s just get on with it.”

“Digby, give it a rest. Have a fried egg,” soothed Lady Lawdown. “Parliament exists to smooth the process and come to a reasonable conclusion.”

“But, but, but, Parliament is a tyranny!” he exploded.

“Yes. And you are part of that Parliament,” she sighed. ”Now go back to your office, and don’t come out again until you have calmed down properly.”

Unelected Digby’s Tyrannical Parliament is imposing a destructive, illegitimate Brexit upon the country against the wishes of a huge swathe of the British People. That’s democracy, folks.