Category: Democracy

Serially unelectable, far right headbangers’ political party UKIP has announced that it fears that migrant children may seek to use cave systems to sneak illegally into the UK.

In a tersely worded statement, issued only hours after UK caving experts helped locate 13 Thai schoolboys lost in a cave system in south east Asia, UKIP alleged that the :  “current outpouring of sympathy for dark skinned foreign children in caves, is a cunning plot by the leftist metropolitan intelligentsia to undermine UK immigration policy and destroy control of are borders”

UKIP confirmed that it had dispatched vigilante hit squads to Derbyshire to monitor known entrances to Peak District cave systems “just in case”.

Further teams have been sent to South Wales in response to unconfirmed reports of “men with black faces and suspiciously broad, white grins” emerging from holes in the ground “singing in an incomprehensible foreign language”, the statement added.

Speaking to LCD Views a spokesman for UKIP’s vigilante potholing division, Jane Wheal issued a stern warning.

“We believe that child terrorists armed with pick axes and Davy lamps may seek to exploit our porous geology and even disused mine workings to enter the country illegally,” she said, adding that UKIP fears that these “ticking human time bombs” are being aided by underground leftist political groups.

“We have concrete evidence, repeated by three people on twitter with resolutely English surnames,  that London Mayor and known Trotskyite Muslimist, Sadiq Khan, has links with radical caving organisations and may even be a member of an underground “urban explorer terror group”.

“Let’s face it, he’s in charge of the London underground and has access to all the tunnels into, out of and through the capital,” she explained, adding that faced with the UK being swamped by “foreign troglodytes”, UKIP was in favour of establishing tunnel links with white former British colonies such as Australia and new Zealand.

UKIP, she explained, has set up a working group, code-named “Operation Ostrich” to examine the feasibility of rerouting the Channel Tunnel to Sydney.

“Since we’ve kicked all the “flat earthers” out of the party, we are unanimous that the geology supports the plan. It’s simply a case of excavating the right route ,” she said confirming that whenever a new hole is dug the UKIP leadership will be sure to look closely into it.

Separately, UK Prime Minister Theresa May has denied reports that her government has agreed to house unwanted migrant children from the US in unoccupied UK cave systems.

“A request was made but rejected as absurd – obviously those we haven’t stuffed full of violently radioactive nuclear waste will be needed to house the millions of people expected to be made homeless by the “Post Brexit economic collapse” ,” sneered a Downing Street spokesperson.

“It would achieve nothing if I resigned over Heathrow expansion plans, except for making masses of people really happy,” Foreign to the Truth Secretary Boris Johnson explained himself this evening, while about as far from the Palace of Westminster as the embodiment of a bull in a china shop could get.

The rapid departure of the foreign secretary, famous for declaring he would lie down in front of bulldozers to stop the expansion of Heathrow, was further explained by some keen observational insight.

”He’s a complete and utter bullshit artist devoid of any integrity whatsoever who will just see spending masses of taxpayers’ money for a trip to Kabul, involving vast spend on security, just so he doesn’t have to keep his word to his constituents, as a jolly good laugh at the expense of the proles,” explained someone so galled and so serious we won’t quote them again.

He does have the backing of the prime minister though, no stranger to dishonesty herself, who said of Boris’ buggering off,

”At least tonight I can sleep without worrying about that blonde machine of disgrace smothering me in my slumber.”

Before adding,

”Boris is the epitome of Global Britain,” or something so similar we almost gave up trying to take the piss out of all of this altogether because where do you go when the PM is so blatantly writing satire as sound bites to attempt to avoid a reckoning with truth? Her daily grind epitomised.

”We trust once the shovels bite the dirt in the ceremony at Heathrow someone of suitable rank and status will be available to do the deed,” the PM further added.

”And if Boris does in the end decide to break the habit of a life time, keep his word, and lie down in front of the bulldozers, we trust it will be tonight and in Kabul.”

Master Bater, a chief Tory whip, was in an upbeat, if exhausted, mood today after successfully forcing enough potential Tory rebel MPs to cave by use of the Tory ultra violence, project fear film “JC4PM”.

“They crumble faced with just the outside chance of that old commie placard holder taking high office,” Master Bater told LCD Views during a tour of the ConHQ dungeon, “it’s not even really brainwashing, more just showing them what keeps them awake at night. Which is just as well, my palms are sore enough from the day to day work of slapping and beating members to keep them in line behind the old Maybot as it is.”

In the dungeon we were allowed to see many of the chief tools used by the whips.

“See this row of old cinema chairs here? And that screen set up over there. Mind the projector. Yes. Yes. Come around the front. Take a seat if you want.”

We declined the offer of a seat. The restraints on the arms looked like they could hold the strongest in situ.

“We put grievance Grieve in this seat. Captain Morgan in the one next to him. And a few others. Restraints at wrists, calves and foreheads. Force the eyelids open and just let the movie play.”

In the movie a Corbyn lookalike goes through the various duties of a modern British prime minister.

“The actor playing Corbyn followed May closely for a few weeks, to really learn what it takes to be the UK’s prime minister in the age of Brexit. You know, party before country, ideology before rationality, cynical appeals to various voting demographics, smooth and orderly choking off of economic viability, say xenophobic stuff about foreign workers. It doesn’t actually matter who is prime minister. The day to day activities will be the same. With the exception of course that Jeremy Corbyn as PM would raid the City of London’s coffers with McDonnell. But under May we’re content to let it all slowly flow away to EU27 countries without anyone really noticing. Rees-mogg will tell you how to set up in Dublin, just get him on the blower.”

How long does it take to force a rebel to cave in, faced with JC4PM?

“Dominic fell to his knees just seeing the chair and being told what we were going to show him. We still strapped him in for good measure. But about ten seconds normally does it,” Master Bater shrugged,

“except for Ken Clarke, we had him strapped down here for a week solid and he just laughed and laughed. He told us after serving under Thatcher there’s sod all we can put on the projector to cause him to buckle. His internal movies from the 80’s are more terrifying than any cinematic masterpiece we could knock out, whether it features a giant dildo or not.”

LCD Views can report a stunning blow against the elites today as Jeremy B.C. (Brexit Corbyn) confirmed he is to table an amendment when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons on Wednesday, to abolish Lords.

“This meaningful vote issue Lords keep bowling at the Commons is just not cricket,” he said, looking up from hoeing a patch of weeds out of his allotment, “see these daisies? You’ve got to get them when they’re young. No good cutting through the stem. Got to get under and get them right out of the soil before they grow or they’ll just spread banners contradicting the thoughts of the captain everywhere. I can’t play on a pitch with that sort of variation in its behaviour.”

Details of the bill are still scarce, as Labour hierarchy try and word it so it can be interpreted as aligning with everyone’s beliefs all at once, but in reality it’s just an exercise in wasting time, as the fielders will be in the same position at the end of the exercise.

“The elites are the only people who watch cricket,” B.C. went on, “think of the resources that could be used to better educate our children in the glory of padding up and defending for the whole innings of parliament? Let your opponents run themselves out.

Or better still, every time the bowler is about to release the ball, just abstain from facing it and walk off the pitch. Signal to the dressing room you need a drink or some tape for your middle finger. Whatever. Just run the clock down so every game ends in a draw.”

But sharp eyed critics have been quick to point out B.C. isn’t calling for a total abolition of Lords.

“There’s a clause in the bill, probably Starmer’s suggestion to ingratiate himself with B.C., that allows cricket to continue, but only so far as it pertains to gardening. You know, when the batsman wastes time pretending to tap down uneven patches with his bat, but more often than not it’s just another way of abstaining from facing the ball.”

There is no suggestion of demolishing the bastion of inequity that is Lords cricket ground though.

“Jeremy will have doors and a balcony fitted to the space age media centre,” a Labour insider said, “so at next year’s Jezzfest he can stand on the balcony and wave benevolently to the crowd that will be bused in to celebrate his divinity. Throw out jars of homemade jam. Carrots he grew by hand. That sort of thing. A food first Brexit. Lords is a great venue. When we’re holding our rallies inside it the stands will stop us witnessing the rioting the Tories created outside.”

The government has combined all its policies into one big, wobbly mess of a policy called Universal Discredit. This policy promises to deliver every single manifesto promise in one go. The people of the UK are still waiting to see the results, eight years later. DWP spokesman Dunn O’Whatimdoing hails it as “The greatest innovation in policy-making the world has ever seen”.

Universal Discredit was designed, at phenomenal cost, to replace all the committees, think-tanks, and (dare we say it) experts previously employed. Huge sums have been deployed on offices, directors, art and other necessities. O’Whatimdoing describes it as “Outstanding value for money”.

It is the brainchild of Iain Dunderhead Smith, a man whose ability to turn gold into base metal is rivalled only by Chris Grayling. A brainchild without a heart, or even a brain, is normally allowed to die peacefully, but this one has been pampered indulgently.

Critics have described Universal Discredit as “A highly inefficient way to transfer public money into the pockets of private individuals.” In Denial Smith counters: “It does exactly what it is designed to do.”

The pinnacle of Universal Discredit is Brexit, of course. Brexit is the archetypal one-solution-fits-all, and is now the government’s sole policy. Leaving the EU will obviously solve immigration, save the NHS, boost international trade to unprecedented levels and even make the sun shine more often. Even though nobody quite understands how Brexit will cause any of this to happen.

The beauty of Universal Discredit is that it means the government never has to take credit for it. Nor blame. Nor accept any word of caution or dissent. Critics of Universal Discredit are universally discredited.

The difficulty of changing over to Universal Discredit was, typically, underestimated, if indeed it was considered at all. Every attempt to shrink the state has failed, because the state has shrunk as much as naturally possible. Leading political astrophysicist Skye Watcher describes Brexit as “An attempt to make the state implode, creating a black hole where once there was democracy.”

The event horizon of the black hole will cover the entire UK. Nobody will survive. But at least no more foreigners will ever come here again. Wave your blue passports in joy and prepare for oblivion!

LCD Views can report on rare social media consensus today with the decision to rebrand the offensive act of upskirting “Choping” in honour of Christopher Choping Tory MP.

”It’s the will of the people,” Professor Fcuken Oldman told LCD Views, “here we have a bill to criminalise an act of sexual harassment made possible by new technology, the law catching up with the times, and a Tory dinosaur and his chum set out to block it on the grounds of not enough scrutiny?”

These will be the same ERGing idiots who smashed through fifteen amendments to the biggest constitutional change to the country since WW2 earlier in the week?

”The very same. The men helping orchestrate a bonfire of our rights. The people tearing up the deal with the devolved administrations as fast as they can spit in the eye of anyone who objects.”

Something of a double standard.

”You could say that. But double standards are the go to position of many modern politicians. Curiously many of them Brexiters. Although there’s probably no connection. Just a coincidence.”

Yes! Let’s be clear! Not all ageing Tory party Male MPs are defenders of perverts!

”No! There is absolutely no justification for the cliche that old Tory men are perverse.”

Not at all. No evidence.

But why did he do it? The bill, albeit a private bill by a Liberal Democrat MP, Wera Hobhouse, had the backing of Theresa May.

”I can only speculate.”

Do it.

”Did you hear about the report slamming Universal Credit for the cruel piece of incompetent crap it is, which is all it could ever be given it was the brainchild of Iain Duncan Smith?”

No I didn’t.

”Draw your own conclusions. Boris can’t be used as the dead cat on the table every day. Sometimes you have to pick a backbench MP no one has heard of to do the job. Like when Anne-Marie Morris had the whip withdrawn for racist language. She later had it returned. Job done.”

Couldn’t it be Chope and his mate Phillip Davies just decided to be a pair of pricks? Because they could?

”It’s possible. They’re certainly that.”

So as a result we’re all agreed that upskirting is now Choping?

”It’s the will of the people.”

Fantastic news for viewers of traditional democracy live on Auntie today with the announcement that the BBC is to dig up Oswald Mosley and stick him in a chair for BBCQT tonight.

”It’s part of our commitment to balance,” executive producer, Mr Ethics Outsourced, BBC upper management, told LCD Views, “some of the insane Brexiters will stick on the panel week in and week out are a bit soft for the gammon in the audience. We’ve taken steps to address their concerns.”

Lord Haw-Haw, Lord Profumo and Nigel Farage are also pegged to be on the panel tonight with an ancient man adjudicating the discussion to ensure nothing factual gets in the way.

”Facts ruin a good narrative,” the producer enlarged, “they tend to damage ratings in a way that is entirely unacceptable for a fully, forcibly publicly funded organisation such as the Beeb. So we choose the majority of our panelist’s accordingly and then stick in some remainiac for everyone, including the chair, to shout over.”

As to Mr Mosley’s feelings about the excremation amd appearance on television? He appears remarkably relaxed.

”I’ll do it for the fatherland,” he commented, “I’ve had a good enough rest anyway. Seventy odd years is more than enough for Europe to largely be at peace and doing its best to work together. Just think of the commercial prospects for tailors? Fascists are very fashion conscience.”

UK arms dealers are also greatly encouraged. Lately they’ve been coming in for a bit of stick over the whole Saudi and Yemen thing. Being able to sell the bombs straight to the government and not face the hassle of exporting? That will see balance sheets firmly in the black.

Tune in tonight and just be sure to have a sick bag handy as the BBC hammers the unchallengeable, totally democratic line at you that the people have decided. Mostly to go back to the 1930’s.

The office for parliamentary standards is coming under fire today for issuing a special ‘Stop, drop and roll’ guide to MPs who find their consciences burning during this week’s votes on the Lords amendments to the Henry VIII bill.

“It’s just another waste of taxpayer cash,” a campaigner against government waste told LCD Views, “most of the members of parliament are right now infernos in this regard. They don’t care. They’re going to be charred to the core and still not care.”

But others weren’t so dismissive.

“There are those in parliament that are signalling they just need a push to not ruin the United Kingdom. A handy guide for what action to take as they head to the division lobbies today and tomorrow maybe useful.”

The Palace of Westminster said it is prepared for the possibility of MPs rolling on the ground during voting.

“Mostly they roll like sheep down a hill with the whip. But some don’t. Although we had anticipated many rolling around trying to put out massive pants fires following speeches. That is par for course. Burning consciences will be a novelty to handle at least.”

But the critics weren’t to be dissuaded.

“Even if a lot of them read the guide and take the appropriate action it just leaves them free, burning conscience extinguished, to get up, walk on and begin smouldering again.”

Still, the issuers of the guide stand behind it.

“Not always you understand,” the spokesperson said, “we’ve published it on paper normally used as toilet paper, just in case a few hundred Tory MPs, and a good bunch of their colleagues on the Labour front bench, decide to wipe their backsides with it, seeing as they clearly don’t have consciences to burn in the first place.”

Billionaire Brexit backer Arron Banks admitted to reporters Tuesday that his memories of his numerous boozy lunches with Russian embassy officials prior to the Brexit referendum were “a little hazy” but claimed that it was perfectly understandable given the volume of vodka consumed.

“Apparently it’s traditional in Russia to make down-in-one vodka toasts to every person present and at least three generations of their ancestors,” he hiccupped confirming that the toasts were in the form of popular vodka cocktails.

However he declined to confirm whether any of the cocktails he consumed might have been a “LEG SPREADER” (1 part vodka, 1 part tequila, 1 part gin, 1 part rum), a “TIGHT SNATCH” (1 part vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 1 part orange juice, 1 part cranberry juice), a “GOLDEN SHOWER” (1 part vodka, one part orange juice, half a lemon a splash of triple sec and a ginger ale) or a “BEND OVER SHIRLEY” (raspberry vodka with a dash of grenadines topped up with sprite).

“You’ll need to ask the nice embassy barman, Mr Novichok, exactly what was in them. All I know is they did the absolute business and now we’re exiting the European union, like a brick down a well, or indeed like a vodka cocktail down the throat of a Russian embassy guest” he belched.

Russian embassy barman Colnel Boris Novichok, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Aaron had nothing to worry about as embassy officials had videoed all the lunch dates and would be happy to let him view them at any time he finds convenient.

“Aaron may have overdone it a little with the caviar and vodka cocktails but let me assure him that nothing untoward happened and that neither he nor Shirley needed to worry their tight little snatches over their legs, or indeed videos of them, being spread any further,” he winked, adding that the Embassy would be happy to host Aaron, for another round of Golden Showers, any time he chooses.

“That’s President Trump’s personal favourite, and one we always keep on hand in case he drops by,” he leered, fingering a pager.

“Aaron is a great friend of Russia, and I don’t mean just because he’s one of the few people who has ever lived who can make former soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev look handsome,” he laughed.

Novichok added that if Banks was embarrassed by recent publicity over his embassy lunches or didn’t have time to pop in for another round of cocktails the embassy would be more than happy to arrange a home delivery.

“We have just mixed a special batch of “ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER” ( equal parts vodka, rum, tequila, gin, blue curacao plus some special ingredients) which we’d be more than happy to pop round and smear over his door handle – errr I mean drop off for him to enjoy in his own time,” he cooed, smirking sinisterly.

This year, the classic sitcom “Dad’s Army” turns 50, and the anniversary is being marked in a very bizarre way – with a remake. Granted, remakes are not uncommon in themselves, but this one is sure to raise eyebrows.

Called “Vlad’s Army”, it follows the antics of the people fighting for British independence from the EU. Led by Captain May Waring (played by Theresa May), it depicts the day-to-day struggles of the forces striving to make Brexit a reality. Vladimir Putin himself has a small part as the Colonel in overall charge of the region.

Sgt Wilson, whose catchphrase “do you think that’s wise?” is also still very much in evidence, is to be played by Jeremy Corbin, while the captain’s off-screen wife Elizabeth, before whom the brave British bulldog used to cower like a simpleton whenever she called, has an on-screen part in the new version, and is played by Arlene Foster.

Corporal Jones in the new version is played by David Davis, again with his original catchphrases “don’t panic” and “they don’t like it up ‘em” still in full force.

Private Frazer, the grumpy Scot with the catchphrase “we’re doomed” is played here by Nicola Sturgeon, while Private Walker, the spiv always out to make a profit for himself, is now to be played by Donald Trump.

The hardest bit of casting was for “stupid boy” Private Pike. Boris Johnson was a strong contender for a long time, but ultimately the role has been given to Nigel Farage. Fans of Boris however will be relieved to see that he is still in the show as Private Godfrey, with his catchphrase of “may I be excused?”

The theme song has also been rewritten:

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Churchill
If you think we’ll vote remain?
We are the boys who will stop your little game!
We are the boys who will spin you in your grave!
So who do you think you are kidding Mr Churchill
If you think we’ll rise again?

The one surviving member of the original cast, Ian Lavender, said in an interview about this remake:

“I’m turning in MY grave already and I’m not even dead! I think I can say with certainty that the rest of the cast and the writers are doing the same.”

If the deceased are indeed all spinning in their graves, there’s a good chance it could generate enough energy to power the country for decades to come. So I guess every cloud really does have a silver lining.