Category: Democracy

THAT SINKING FEELING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to celebrate the dramatic local election results this week with an arts and crafts session.

The world beating PM has long been famous for his use of recycled materials in craft projects, with a plentiful supply of his favourite material to be found just laying about the house. Who can forget his ramped up interview when he claimed to make buses out of empty wine crates. A moment in which he displayed to all how he can both laugh at everyone, and govern.

“He’s going to revisit the bus,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going to paint little freezing pensioners on it. But once he’s warmed up he’s going to move onto sorting out the complete shambles the UK’s local councils have gotten themselves into.”

The shambles in particular appears to be the loss of hundreds of seats and dozens of councils.

“Winning local elections is clearly a remoaner plot to undermine Brexit,” the source adds. “But Mr Johnson has hundreds of empty wine crates stashed away from when he held dozens of parties to celebrate throwing a protective ring around care homes and the NHS in the pandemic. He’ll now put those crates to good use.”

The choice of inanimate objects is fitting too.

“Who could currently stand for election as a Conservative and claim to have consciousness, or even a conscience? Have you seen the state of the country after twelve years of Tory rule? You’d have to be blind. For that reason he won’t be painting little eyes on the new councillors. Just big, open mouths to swallow whatever bullshit Boris says next and then attempt to regurgitate it on the doorstep.”

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : The UK’s world beating war leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has announced he is launching an inquiry into why there are so many inquiries under his premiership.

It’s presumed the cause is a “remoaner plot” by “traitors who want to overturn the result of the potatriotic referendum”, but sources close to the Prime Minister state that he believes if he’s to continue to “flog the dead horse of that corrupted vote” for political gain it needs a ring of officialdumb.

The inquiry will be chaired by one of the many epitomes of honesty and integrity within the Conservative cabinet. Michael Gove is a likely chair, although there are many others desperately dragging their personal reputations into the gutter to enjoy the PM’s patronage, and so the field is broad.

Once the inquiry has established that it is “europhiles” behind the spate of sexual and financial scandals eviscerating Mr Johnson’s government it is believed the Home Secretary Priti Patel will be allowed to “purge” civil life of traitors. Anyone protesting her actions will be detained under the new anti-protest laws brought in last week under the cover of Tractorgate.

“Ms Patel is thought to be a key driver of the need for the inquiry into the inquiries,” the source told LCD Views. “She hopes to use anyone found guilty of undermining Brexit to form a kind of floating human chain in the English channel to keep out people who are trying to reach the UK in much the same way as her own parents once did.”

Expectations that Sue Gray will chair the inquiry have been dismissed as she’s “already undertaking her life’s work with Partygate and will be busy until the end of time”, by when it is hoped she will finally manage to catalogue all of Mr Johnson’s parties when everyone else was dying in the pandemic. Especially attention is being paid to what types of cheese and what vintages were present.

The inquiry has been given the nickname “The Mother of Parliaments” as that is thought to be most iconic and should “have the voters getting the bunting out the moment they hear it”.

MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS : THE UK’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS CALLED FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL TO BECOME SAINT WINSTON OF NORTH RUISLIP.

The call to canonise the famous British war leader is seen as “long overdue” by many in the Tory Party’s base who think it will really “wind up the snowflakes” while also “appeasing internal critics.”

While it’s thought the Church of Rome may not be too interested in the idea there is a parallel plan to create a new Church of Brexit and have Pope Mogg do the necessary paperwork.

Quite what miracles will be sighted isn’t yet clear, although “mythologising the memory” of Churchill is sited as sustaining Mr Johnson’s political career in a miraculous way.

“This is a Johnson idea,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the details aren’t important. If he’s still interested in it tomorrow we’ll have some intern smash out a powerpoint display with whatever bullet points they can think of.”

But critics of the move claim that it is only being suggested to distract everyone from the ongoing Partygate scandal which threatens Mr Johnson’s stellar career in a way serial lying, gross hypocrisy, lack of substance, catastrophic management of the pandemic, endless scandals involving IT tutors, economic incontinence so severe the entire economy is at risk, destruction of the UK’s trade base, lying to the Queen, serial cowardice, reduction of the UK’s international stock to junk status, racist immigration policies and attempts to destroy civil liberties has so far left untroubled.

“If it gets him out of Partygate it will be a miracle indeed,” the insider added. “The police holding off reporting if he’s getting anymore fines ahead of the locals is a minor miracle as it is. But by the time he’s finished racking up the fines only intervention from heaven will suffice. By then it will be clear as people died in their 10’s of 1,000’s isolated from their loved ones he was just getting hammered and asking donors to pay for his wallpaper. Which is personal in a way creating food insecurity across the country and threatening its very future could never be.”

PORKY PIES : THE UK’S Prime Minister is widely applauded for leading a successful war against truth. There is no barricade of fact, no bastion of reason, no citadel of common sense he will not charge head first against. This is how he got Brexit done while failing to get it done but convincing lots of voters he’d got it done.

But the Partygate scandal threatens to tarnish a reputation for evasion and deflection well deserved after decades misleading the public for personal gain. To suggest that the mere matter of getting hammered on multiple occasions in contravention of lockdown laws will be enough to stop this juggernaut of contempt is to underestimate the capacity for moral fibre of his supporters. To fail to stand in wonder at a group of MPs, and a public, who watch the soap opera of his political life and think, yeah, let’s have more of that. Maybe he can pull off lying to the Queen twice? Maybe he can take more IT lessons? What were fishermen again?

“So long as we think he can win us elections it doesn’t matter how low we allow our democracy to be dragged,” any number of self-serving Conservative MPs told LCD Views. “Who will help us feather our nest without Boris? Who will help us dwell solely in a mind palace of fantasy decorated with titles, peerages and palaces that convince the humdrum conman he is something else?”

Truth, respect, accountability, the public good, all of these things are nothing set against how big a splash one overgrown child can make in high office.

“He’s just got to get back to basics,” any number of spineless, rent a vote Tory MPs tells us. “He’s got to lie more convincingly or I’ll have to heed my electorate. It’s hard to spin this Partygate bollocks convincingly. Although happily the taste of sick is washed out by the benefits of being in office by his favour.”

You can do it Boris. Get Partygate Done! Comforting lies are what matters to the voters even as the evidence to the contrary grows in the cost of living crisis.

“The trick is to make their daily life so hard they don’t have time to properly think about us,” random Tory says. “But not so hard they’ll come for our grace and favour palaces.”

MIRROR IMAGES : BRITAIN’S MOST ECONOMICALLY ILLITERATE CHANCELLOR SINCE THE LAST TORY CHANCELLOR, RISHI SUNAK, is said to be feeling “safe” and “happily styling his hair again” this morning after reaching a mental “happy place” over the Partygate fines.

Speculation had been building for some time that both the Prime Minister and the born to rule power pack of neoliberal economic horseshit, aka Sunak, may have to resign their positions in disgrace if found guilty of breaking the lockdown law. Happily for both men they retain the support of Tory colleagues who “can no longer recognise anything approaching dignity” or their duty to uphold representative democracy.

It does not necessarily mean the Chancellor will stay on though after his plan to “squeeze the last ounce of aspiration and cash” out of the great unwashed has been made more tricky by his family’s tax affairs.

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” an unreliable and likely invented source inside No 11 Downing Street told LCD Views. “We are continuing in our power struggle with Mr Johnson and hope that leaking more information about lawbreaking inside No 10 won’t backfire next time. As soon as Johnson finishes playing at being a war leader we’ll go again. We’ve got the time and we’ve got the money.”

Quite what the British public is supposed to make of the gross hypocrisy at the highest levels of government isn’t a concern.

“People will be too busy collecting firewood from the commons to heat their dirty hands over in their frozen living rooms to worry about what their betters are up to.”

An added advantage of refusing to resign for both breaking the law and misleading parliament is that it’s another “notch of Johnson’s governmental bedhead”.

“He’s basically shagged democratic accountability senseless by lying to the Queen and getting away with. Also by taking the country out of the EU on the back of a pack of lies. So to have been found to have been criminally partying while most people did the right thing and stayed home really shows the British public is complete and absolute determination to screw them senseless. They keep voting for us. They must want it.”

RESIGNED TO HIS FATE: Boris Johnson is today’s Cnut. He stands proudly on the red, white and blue sands, holding up his hand in a futile gesture to command the tide. The waves are coming up the beach. They are round Boris Johnson’s ankles and rising swiftly. 

“Nothing to see here,” he assures us, lashing out defensively. “I am secure, feet on solid ground, the tide is turning, no no no! don’t look at the water!, cogito ergo sum, erm, vaccines!! Wiff waff! Have you met my new bezzy mate Zelensky yet?” 

We have absolute proof, as if it were needed, of Prime Ministerial fibbing. Both Johnson and Wishy Washy Rishi Sunak have been fined for attending illegal parties that, according to both, never happened. 

Obviously this is a resigning offence for both. But Johnson has his excuses ready, if nothing else. 

“If I was at these parties, which I wasn’t, as they didn’t happen, and were work meetings with booze, karaoke and disco, which I knew nothing about, even though I was there, IN A SUIT BECAUSE I WAS WORKING, and it’s all a complete fiction anyway, what do the police know, they’re only experts after all, then obviously I would have to resign, but I won’t, because I wasn’t even there, and it’s all the fault of the last Labour government, and it’s not fair!” he waffled. 

He recovered himself slightly, shifting unsteadily as the waters approached his waist. 

“I’m sorry if anyone feels that I’ve done anything wrong,” he continued. “I’ve said what has to be said, there will be no resignations, well Rishi will have to go, of course, but for myself, I’m only resigning in a specific and limited way. By which I mean, it’s time to move on, I’m still Prime Minister, and nobody can stop me!” 

The rest of his speech was lost as he disappeared below the briny waters. 

PAY TO PLAY : NUMEROUS UK WORLD LEADING CONSERVATIVE MPS are said to be deeply moved and distressed over the warmongering of Russian President Vladimir Putin and what it means for the United Kingdom’s governance.

Strong and stable government has been the hallmark for the UK since the Tories returned to power in 2010 but the revolutions in public funding, the reduction of the UK defence forces and the great strides towards glorious isolation made by successive Tory governments doesn’t come for free. The paltry financial rewards for public service available in the UK system must be beefed up to ensure a vigorous government.

“I’m not going to name any names,” an anonymous and fictional MP told LCD Views, “but we’ve had to set up the Sponsorship Research Group to look into ways to replace the funding we’ve abruptly lost because of the war in Ukraine.”

Correlation is not of course causation.

“Clearly the millions in donations from Putin linked figures over the years were merely philanthropic because of his desire to spread democracy as far as possible,” the MP stated. “Nothing was ever asked for in return. Not even Brexit. We thought that up all by ourselves because we’re the biggest empire in Europe. I repeat we never did any service in return for the donations. Nothing was ever asked of us. We were just happy to be able to help all those oligarchs manage their portfolios.”

Quite how the public will feel about replacing the millions in future donations lost isn’t yet clear, but it’s felt by the SRG that the public must pay.

“It’s only fair. They keep voting for us in spite of our record in government.”

REALLY DENSE CEILING : The United Kingdom’s highest profile underachiever, and also its Prime Minister, Boris de Waffle Johnson, has put paid to ramped up speculation that he and his latest wife will soon be moving out of the famous old address in the centre of London, before the marriage concludes in the same way as all of his other ones.

Speaking at the launch of his Chancellor’s newest montage of lockdown rule breaking party photos the Prime Minister got his big gnashers into the hot question on everyone’s lips, of whether or not he’ll soon just fuck off and leave us to start cleaning up his massive mess?

“To where?” he asked, displaying an incisive mind undimmed by the rigours of office. “I’m already playing the part of the ageing hero who takes a princess as wife to recharge the old batteries. What else is there for me to do? If you can think of somewhere I could go then let me know. I am fresh out of ideas. I’ve spent my entire career failing upwards and it seems I’ve hit the ceiling. I’ll have to stay on as PM unless a way can be found to get me into the line of succession to the throne. I’d be absolutely chuffed to fail as King.”

The suggestion that he could leave 10 Downing Street to someone who both “gives two shits” and is capable of producing “one or both of them” will though put sudden and unexpected pressure on the Palace.

“The Queen is just waiting him out,” an unconfirmed Palace spokesman told LCD Views. “Those fortnightly meetings are appalling. If shoving Charles back a step means Johnson might leave 10 Downing Street then it’s worth looking into. Wouldn’t you say? But only if she doesn’t have to adopt him.”

SEND IN THE CLOWN : OUTGOING British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is rumoured to have applied for the job of court jester at Buckingham Palace in an attempt to get ahead of his widely anticipated career change.

The move by Mr Johnson blows a whole through criticisms that he is unable to forecast or understand the consequences of his actions, and is in response to the coming changes to Universal Credit. The reduction of the time allowed to seek work in your chosen profession (before losing what little money is provided) from three months to four weeks, is expected to hit not only the PM but many Tory MPs hard.

Court Jesters were banished from court under the kingship of Charles I who was also unable to understand the point of a parliament or a jester. Some would say though that Mr Johnson needs a straight talking, honest individual nearby in a desperate attempt to make him see his job is not to be a clown, but to be a prime minister. But some say a lot of things.

“No one should be concerned that Mr Johnson will find himself working on a soft fruit farm or driving a lorry. The UC changes are to punish the hardworking British citizen for allowing Brexit to happen in the first place. And at any rate, one more year of Brexit and farming will have successfully concluded within the UK,” a source inside the Government told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson could in theory find himself picking raspberries and living in a draughty caravan on a moor. They could even make a reality TV series about it called ‘Britain’s Last Farm’, but it’s unlikely he would do any work so it would be pointless. It’s best too for the collapse of UK food security to happen out of the headlines and off the screens. The morale of the country is more important. Happily for the PM he can likely continue as is, just at a different ancient address.”

Suggestions that the changes to the Universal Credit conditions are a direct result of telling millions of EU citizens to fuck off, with zero preparation for the fallout or to face the karmic avalanche that would follow, have been dismissed out of hand by insane people who still love Brexit.

“There’s plenty of people just laying about the UK doing nothing and receiving public money,” one critic hit back. “Just look at Jacob Rees-mogg and how he conducts himself in Parliament.”

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD: Who will be the next foolhardy soul to take the poisoned chalice? Who wants a job, doomed to failure, lived out in the glare of publicity? Which gullible sap wants to inherit Boris Johnson’s grotesquely tarnished Crown? 

It is often said that nature abhors a vacuum. Although this is only true in the case of Mr Dyson’s machines. 

There is, as one notable nonentity recently asserted, a moral vacuum in government. It could be argued that there is an actual vacuum between the ears of many backbenchers. That incessant noise emanating from every newsstand? It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And of a house of cards, slowly and inexorably toppling. 

Which empty vessel will wish to preside over the wanton collapse of this once great nation? Who is vain, stupid, arrogant and deluded enough to volunteer to hammer the final nail into the UK’s coffin? Apart from Liz Truss, of course. 

To be quite honest, nobody could do a worse job than Boris Johnson. In which case it might be time for nobody to lead the country.

There are plenty of advantages to this arrangement. There would be no more porky pies at PMQs. No vague, waffled press conferences. No excruciating dressing up opportunities. No Boris Johnson. 

Against that, nothing would get done, no decisions would be made. So no change there. 

It’s hard to see how the lack of an actual leader could be worse than a lack of leadership. The ship of state is in deep trouble. The rats are finally realising and starting to leave. But the captain is insisting that if he goes down, the ship will go with him. There is no iceberg, and even if there is an iceberg, it won’t do any harm, and even if it holes the ship and sinks it, nobody told the captain that would happen. 

Maybe having a nobody in charge is worse than having nobody.