Category: Democracy

LCD Views has great news for people who want to work hard once and then retire with the announcement that due to a quirk in the law an alleged bank robber is to be allowed to keep the cash allegedly gained from an alleged bank robbery.

“It was only advisory,” Law Pants, QC, acting for the alleged robber told us, “so it’s not really a crime. My client stating on record, when allegedly planning the alleged heist of the British Democratic Bank, that the robbery would only be advisory and any resulting gain in monetary terms would be taken under consideration, but there was no actual mandated decision to keep or return the loot, so he can’t be held accountable,

“and funnily enough, get this! It’s a hoot!

“Due to a quirk in the law he gets to keep the result of the advisory raid on the Westminster branch of the British Democratic Bank because it can’t be ruled a robbery because it was only a theoretical exercise in smashing a western democracy, I mean bank vault! And too much time has passed anyway, because an alleged robbery has to be acted on legally within twenty four hours or you can’t touch the alleged robber. It’s quite a gordian knot! Someone really should just cut it!”

The news will make it easier for people planning further alleged heists of the British Democratic Bank and is encouraging for anyone worrying how they’ll feed their kids after inheriting millions and finding themselves feeling undeservedly god like, but kinda bored.

“It should help bring a feudal political system back to the United Kingdom,” Law Pants mused, “but I can’t personally see how it’s related to the advisory EU referendum held in 2016 and proven to be riddled with criminality and foreign influence at all.”

As Brexit day approaches faster than a speeding bullet, running away from a stationery gun (wood, paper or pencil), we can report that Westminster pollsters are predicting no less than 650 MPs are expected to belong to the new independent group in HoC by 10:59pm, 29th March, 2019.

“It still won’t be a party,” our pollster says, “as they’ll still be trying to pick a colour for the party logos. Some have said why not go with white? But Angela Smith didn’t start out so well and some would read the wrong message in that. She’s on behind the scenes duties now,

“Blue and red make purple. So that’s no good. Once they absorb the Libdems then red, blue and orange? I’d have to get my colour chart, but that’s probably brown? People would have fun with it,

I see the difficulties. At least they’ve got the gender balance nailed down right now. That’s a rare feat in British politics. Although, I guess that’ll change once more male MPs put their fingers to the winds.

“Yes. They’ll likely be allied to the Greens on many issues, so they could go for a striped colour. I’ve sent my ideas to them. Candy cane would be nice. But even without a banner they’ll still be the largest bloc in the House of Commons, in fact the only bloc.”

But wouldn’t they stop many of the headbangers joining them? After all, they left their respective parties to get away from the ERG, the Corbynistas and their handlers and enablers on both sides.

“Those are the same things. And as they’re not a party yet they can’t stop anyone joining them. Makes recruitment easier. Baby steps.”

What are the same thing?

“The ERG and the Corbynistas. They’re both after a good hard Brexiting. So on the most dominant policy issue facing the country, they’re the same, except for some difference to do with definite and indefinite articles. Just look at Hansard. Check out the voting records over time.”

But how can you be so sure that the independent group will be so large by 10:59pm, 29th March 2019?

“Because that’s a minute to Brexit. And believe you me, the moment Brexit occurs no politician in the UK will want to belong to a party that caused it. Not even the ones who caused it.”

LCD Views has an exclusive this morning after conducting fictional interviews with leading British politicians who voted to trigger Article 50 with no plan at all, other than to let Theresa May and the ERG do whatever the hell they like.

While there is still legal action ongoing over the validity of the Prime Minister’s decision to end life as we know it in the UK, we can get to the ass of the thinking of politicians involved in the vote.

“We should have triggered Article 50 on the morning of the 24th June,” Jeremy Corbyn, MP for Islington North, said (we think he did, the line was a little scratchy, so this is what we think he said), “that’s what I called for bold as brass in front of the television cameras. Not even a parliamentary vote as a fig leaf, just smash it all comrades. Revolution!”

Hang on, you expected to ride the crest of a wave of Euroskepticism straight into Downing Street and remake the UK? That doesn’t sound much of a plan, given you’d then be responsible for the dismantling of the United Kingdom’s entire international and economic framework.

“That is entirely my plan. Although I don’t want to get into Downing Street until after Brexit. Let the Tories take the blame by voting with the government at key stages of the process. Genius.”

What if your calculations are wrong? They’re based on respecting a referendum result now proven to be riddled with criminality and foreign influence.

“I love foreign influence. Just so long as it’s not Western foreign influence.”

But what if you’re wrong?

“It must have been the diesel fumes. But I’m never wrong. Just inhale.”

Okay, so the Labour leadership clearly had a deeply thought out plan to evade responsibility and then hope to profit politically, some might say, while further hoping to transform the country into the image it’s been daydreaming of since the 70’s, as the world changed and it didn’t.

What about the government?

“Brexit means Brexit,” Theresa May next told us, “and I’m going to make a success of it.”

You’re not really keeping up with events, are you? What was the plan behind the slogans?

“Who needs plans when you’re English and you have slogans? Johnny Foreigner will do as he’s told because we’re special.”

You’ve not really been keeping up with the way the world has changed either, gravitating into regional power blocs, meaning isolated countries, whatever their historical power, are going to be fighting like mad to hold it together.

“We’re Great Britain. Lesser people will bow to us in the end.”

But what if you’re wrong.

“I’ll blame it on diesel. Everyone can now blame anything that goes wrong with Brexit Britain on diesel.”

Maybe a better plan is to pause and reconsider?

“You need to get into the diesel. Diesel means diesel.”

Sigh. You better get back on that plane and go and talk to Brussels. I bet they have a plan and I bet they won’t be blaming the shift of investment and jobs to the EU27 on anything but Brexit and the politicians who voted to do it without a plan.

The Green Party faces extinction within England today after leading Tory Party brain box James Cleverly MP snatched pretty much all of the next generation of voters.

“You’ve got to patronise and mock the young’s fears if you want them to vote for you,” Mr (not so) Cleverly told LCD Views, over a champagne breakfast to celebrate his cunning tweeting.

The breakfast interview took place on an iceberg set adrift on the Thames near the Palace of Westminster.

“It’s quite a challenge to get the bollie drunk before the ice melts and you have to swim for shore!” James hooted.

He was dressed for the occasion too, in top hat and tails, looking like an extra from the famous photo of Dave, Boris and chums back when they were just bright eyed students.

We enjoyed a bacon butty with our champagne, the bacon dry cured over the ashes of a Brazilian rainforest to give it a futuristic flavour.

“I’m ravenous, for votes! Ha!” Mr (not so) Cleverly hooted again.

Unfortunately he looked likely to be ravenous for food to accompany the break fast fizz too, as the busy waters of the rising river melted the ice underneath his plate before he could tuck in.

“Now I know what it’s like to be a polar bear,” Mr (not so) Cleverly looked temporarily downcast, “but wait, I’ll just go to the shore over there and everything will be fine. Polar bears are dumb.”

That’s a polarising statement.

“With any luck the local authority will fine the parents of the kids who bunked off school yesterday,” he added, “it’s a good system, the fining for absenteeism. The poorer you are, the more it hurts, the more it hurts, the more you learn them.”

But don’t you think it might be helpful to your party, one with a membership that is physically dying and geriatric, to engage with the young voters who are so traumatised by the wanton destruction of their planet, they are prepared to take to the streets in terror of what the future holds?

“Why bother? By the time the earth cooks and everything dies except for pond slime I’ll be long gone.”

If the pond slime is still present, you will be too.

“Excuse me?”

Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it at the ballot box soon enough. Not content with stripping away the opportunities of the young to freely engage in Europe, you’re now also signalling you’ll do bugger all to save the planet they’re expected to live on.

“Clever by name, clever by nature.”

LCD Views has been out on the streets of Britain overnight to conduct the largest nocturnal survey of voter attitudes ever undertaken by a fictional, global news enterprise.

“We figured it was best to do it at night,” our head of non-existent surveys said, “because the leadership of both major parties are determined to keep everyone in the dark regarding their intentions on Brexit.”

To get to the pulse of everyones’ multitudinous attitudes, but present it as a soundbite, we first stopped by an emergency mushroom farm, currently being constructed in the entrance to the Channel Tunnel on the English side.

“Keep them in the dark and feed them sh*t,” chief mushroom farmer for Labour, Keir Starmer MP, told us, “this is a cross party initiative to ensure voters have work ongoing in either a Labour ‘not one job left’ Brexit or the Tory ‘right wing kleptomaniacs are going to take all your stuff’ one.”

But as he isn’t a voter in the regular sense, we spoke to one of the workers on the site.

“We grew mushrooms in the blitz,” A. Eejit shrugged, “we’ll grow mushrooms after Brexit. Just let them get on with it.”

Well clearly A. Eejit is very relaxed. Next we took the pulse of voter attitudes in a pub.

“Oh, a couple of shots of tequila, a double gin and tonic and anything hallucinogenic,” we asked the bartender and didn’t get much else done immediately. But after a while we settled into an in-depth conversation with some urinal cakes.

“Don’t worry, we’ll just chillax,” the urinal cakes told us, “much like the mass of ‘I’m alright jack’ voters who are just expecting common sense to return of its own accord before the 29th March, we’re perfectly happy to sit here and be pissed on.”

So there you have it, mass of moderate MPs who could stop this catastrophic reduction of the UK by a criminal mob of disaster capitalists and totalitarian minded, zealot MPs, no one is really worried, just take your time, we’ll just chillax. Oh and stockpile food. We’ll do that too. The people who don’t do it will need somewhere to raid in the food riots when they get peckish.

“Remember, it’s best to put party before country,” the actual urinal added before we got lost on the way home, “Don’t any MPs dare to form a sufficient cross party bloc to stop this juggernaut of shite before March 29th, the voters won’t mind.”

LCD Views can report that there’s finally insight into why Westminster appears to be lacking an opposition to the countrycide currently being pursued by the May government.

“He’s told us,” our political insides and other guts, analyst says.

Who? What? When? Why?

”Jeremy Corbyn. He says he forgot he was leader of the official opposition at Westminster.”

Just like he forgot to mention the possibility of a People’s Vote when he penned his little staged managed missive, not in anyway written out of a cynical media strategy with the prior knowledge of the Tories, to the PM with his negotiating position for helping her reduce the U.K. to rubble via Brexit?

”Now that’s a long question with many moving parts, but in a word, yes.”

Well, will he be doing anything to improve his memory? Sudoku maybe? Cryptic crosswords? Learning a foreign language? Perhaps there’s other really important things he’s forgotten.

”Oh, I don’t think he’s bothered by the lapse in memory. Even if it’s a really bad one for the many, but not the few.”

Next you’ll be saying he forgot he three line whipped to trigger Article 50. Or he forgot he banged on about a jobs first Brexit for years.

”When it was blatantly obvious that any Brexit is a jobsicide?”

That’s right.

”Oh, I don’t think he’ll have trouble remembering his finest moments in politics. He’s waited so very long for them.”

You’re forgetting he singlehandedly convinced Charles Kennedy to oppose the second Iraq War.

”Who? Only Corbyn opposed it at Westminster.”

It seems we’re all having memory troubles! But what’s he going to do now he’s remembered he’s leading the official opposition at Westminster?

”Forget again.”

Dramatic scenes at the House of Commons theme park yesterday afternoon after fire marshals evacuated the ancient, combustible building when the pants of a woman playing the role of a senior politician suddenly caught fire in the middle of a staged managed shouting party.

“They have shouting parties all the time here,” HoC fire marshal Mr Smook Witoot told LCD Views, “it’s to show how the UK used to be run. Well, they do other things too for the visitors to learn from, like fill in expense claims (those are real) or take long holidays (they’re real too).”

The shouting parties themselves were a traditional way of settling differences of opinion in the creaking building amongst the various warring clans that claimed to rule the building, and thus the country.

“I don’t actually know what the future is for the theme park, apparently the building is unsafe, much like the decisions that used to be made here, but…” Mr Witoot shrugged,

“I just try and stop the staff burning the place down. Some of the actors that attend the shouting parties are so thick you wouldn’t trust them with a box of matches, they’d be liable to set their own hair on fire. Still, tourists love posing in front of the place, that’s its real value.”

But who was the woman whose pants caught fire?

“Oh, some terrified old duck who works for a series of overseas vested interests full time and here part time. She plays the role of prime minister. She doesn’t do it very well. I think they should re-cast her.”

But why did her pants catch fire?

“She was supposed to be giving a memorised speech to exemplify lying in public office from a position of legal impunity I think. She was so realistic her bloomers started to smoke and then they just combusted. Given what a shite actor she is I think she actually forgot her lines and said something from her real life, and that’s how it started.”

Great change is underway at the House of Commons today after it was announced that a yet to be specified number of Tory MPs are believed to be moving to Moscow.

“It’s part of a new power sharing initiative between Downing Street and the Kremlin,” our CONservative Party insider whispered, “that began with Brexit. But the move is really nothing more than a rumour at the moment, wait until the official press release. The Tory MPs on the move will retain their constituencies in the UK, on order of President Putin. But don’t print that either, yet. Although the list of MPs is freely available, just not if anyone asks for it.”

We won’t print a word of any of this. You have our word, as solid as the ass of the ERG.

And even if we do print your whispers, we’ll say this is an unsubstantiated rumour.

This is an unsubstantiated rumour from a fictional source inside the Conservative Party. Make believe. A mind experiment in what if’s?

“Excuse me?”

Turn your hearing aide up, fictional 1950’s, cartoon, elderly person.

“What?! Did you ask what the average age of a Tory party member is?”

Here, have this ear horn and let’s get on with the article.

“That’s much better, thank you. The move is expected to save the Russian Federation substantial money too, as now emissaries from the Kremlin won’t have to be flown to the UK to play tennis matches, in order to allegedly compromise chosen MPs with foreign money, but can be paid directly in the currency of their choice at their new place of work.”

What’s the new place of work again?

“The Duma.”

Some would speculate that many Brexit backing MPs have been working there since at least 2010, but we certainly wouldn’t. And at least with dozens of Tories working from Moscow going forward, there will be room for more MPs to take a seat at Westminster. And just maybe a few Labour MPs will go too…

*the inclusion of JRM in the image is in now way an attempt to suggest he works for the Kremlin. He just apparently has interests in banks in Russia.

A new fantastical remainer plot to THWART OUR BREXIT has been exposed today after a fictional, anonymous source claimed without any back up whatsoever that Brexit backing MPs have been asked, “just tell us what they’re paying you and we’ll double it?”

It’s believed the make believe attempt to get to the bottom of the motivations of MPs still backing Brexit, in spite of all evidence that it’s the most kamikaze political project since the last one, has finally gotten around to wondering, if, and by who, the MPs are being paid?

“It’s just speculation, but it could be worth spending the money to double the incentives,” our political figment of the imagination says,

“we don’t send £350m per week to Brussels, let’s use it to bribe, I mean, um, incentivise our MPs to stop Brexit instead?

“There must be an upper limit on the amount of cash overseas, dark money interests are willing to spend to destabilise the European project and reduce the EU to rubble, just so they can strip away its wealth, rule the ordinary man and woman in a return to indentured servitude, and profit off a revised arms trade in the European domestic market?”

There must be, but it’s probably a high total, given how fat the golden goose seems to the resurgent international conspiracy of far right, sociopathic billionaires utilising toxic nationalism and misdirection of fear and anger to fuel their coups.

“It couldn’t be that just too many MPs are currently too gutless to stand up and be counted,” our source mused, “blind to the realisation that this is one of those periods in modern history where elected representatives need to set aside narrow party interests, and selfish motivations, and put the many first, instead of the interests of the few ideologues who seek to trash the country and make it anew, in their own terrible image?”

No, it couldn’t be that. What else could it be?

EU officials, weary of Theresa May’s weekly exercise in futility, have appealed for help. They have specifically requested that the UK’s travel supremo, Chris Grayling, to organise future visits.

Grayling, as you might expect, is full of misplaced pride and optimism. “I’m definitely the man for the job!” he gloated. “Look at my record. I inherited a road network operating at capacity, underfunded railways, and some boats and stuff. In each case, I have made a massive impact!”

The EU is also looking at Grayling’s record. “It speaks for itself,” claimed EU bEUreaucrat Axel Spreadsheet. “We need a man of his calibre on the job. A man who awards ferry contracts to a shell company with no boats is perfect for our needs!”

May has already publicly given Grayling her vote of confidence. Or, more accurately, she has once again failed to sack him.

Annoying realists have questioned the decision. “Don’t forget, this man awarded huge contracts to a company approaching the cliff-edge of bankruptcy,” warned saboteur Mona Lott. “He couldn’t organise a sleepover in the House of Lords.”

The suspicion remains that the wily operators in Brussels are tired of hosting Theresa May, just to inform her that No More Negotiations means No More Negotiations. “Delighted that the UK has taken back control of the PM’s travel arrangements,” tweeted Donald Tusk. “We look forward to constructive discussions in the future! #Failing Grayling”

Grayling disclosed that discussions are in an advanced state. “Next week, Mrs May will travel to Europe in traditional British fashion!” he promised. “A patriotic lorry driver will convey her along the M20 to Dover. She will then transfer to the railway for the short hop to Ramsgate – I believe the line is still open – for the ferry. The passage of the English Channel will be provided by Seaborne Freight.”

Thanet Council, in common with many others, has been forced into cuts by government spending reviews. Ramsgate Harbour will lose its funding and its suitability for ferry services. Looks like instead of ro-ro ferries there will be row-row-row your boats.