Category: Democracy

It’s been a busy weekend for the government whips as they desperately attempt to find the right lever to pull to get obstinate MPs to back the w+anchor’s deal that Theresa May has negotiated with the EU, from the position of her own immovable red lines.

“Not all of them can just be bribed with cash incentives,” our secret whip, Mr Nine Tails, said, “did I say bribe? I meant argued about to our point of view with a coherent series of points underlining the superior nature of our logic and thinking.”

But while some maybe turned with the offer of a peerage or a knighthood, some really do play hard with their balls, really cup and hold onto them tight.

“Holden McCock is a classic case,” Nine Tails revealed, “he is independently wealthy and his constituency heaving with privately held assets, they even fill pot holes still, no matter deep they are, really stuff them, so we had to find a different way to get him to switch his vote. We had to get deep and personal, right inside him with feeling.”

And how did you do it?

“He’s mad as hell over the porn block that’s coming down the line,” Nine Tails revealed, “he doesn’t want to have to input his personal details, prove his age, and then have his identity linked to a page that shows foreign types shoving fruit up their jacksies while singing ‘God Save The Queen’.”

A tough pip to squeeze!

“But we found a way to get the acorn nestling in the weeds to grow into a firm oak.”

Which was?

“We promised him a personal exemption from the new porn block. We spent a lot of time discussing what happened to Damian Green. Tragedy of it all.”

And what about Esther McVey? We don’t think such a principled lady would be won over with that grotty prize.

“No. We just kept saying ‘Sir Esther McVey’ and convinced her that war is peace.”

So there you have it, if May can get her MV3 passed Bercow there maybe more than one MP shuffling over the stiff corridor of power and changing their mind this week.

“You’ve just got to find their lever and hold it firmly and give it a firm pull,” Mr Nine Tails added, with a wink that left us needing a wash.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/porn-block-how-will-the-new-uk-porn-laws-affect-you_uk_5c866421e4b0ed0a00158f17

EXT    ALLOTMENT    MIDNIGHT

An AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN stands beneath a clear sky, under a bright scimitar moon.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

”Put a handle on that moon and it would be a sickle.”

He’s a multi-millionaire, but you wouldn’t know it from his clothes.

He looks like he’s been dressed by a charity store, who gave him a suit.

He holds something in a clenched hand.

CLOSE ON as he opens the hand and see what’s on his palm.

MAGIC BEANS. The glow of them lights his face and he smiles.

He closes his hand and kneels in the dirt of the allotment. With his other hand he tries to dig a hole, but the soil will not shift.

He tries harder. But the soil will not shift.

LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER as he struggles to make a hole.

A FIGURE is coming up behind him. Quietly. Swiftly.

He doesn’t notice. He mutters at the ground. He puts the beans down at the side and tries with both hands. But he can’t make a hole. He is getting angry now.

THE FIGURE is coming closer and closer. We can see details now.

It’s a UNICORN with a red star on its white chest.

UNICORN

“The ship is leaving the port.”

The AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN turns sharply.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“Come back with a saddle and I will ride you.”

The UNICORN laughs. The old man scowls. The UNICORN bears its teeth. Foam and spittle flick out as it laughs so hard it goes down to kneel on one knee. Right on top of the magic beans.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“Get off my magic beans!”

The UNICORN abruptly stops laughing.

UNICORN

“The magic has left your beans. And if you don’t start fighting Brexit today you will be punished by fate.”

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“NO. Don’t. Tom Watson can never become leader of the Labour Party.”

The UNICORN chuckles.

UNICORN

“No. Not that.”

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“Then what?”

UNICORN

“Chuka Umunna will become PM, while you are still leader of the Labour Party. Your believers will howl in disbelief. And Chuka will go hither and thither with the wind, but he will be PM.”

The old man’s eyes widen. He grabs the UNICORN’S horn and tries to pull it off.

The UNICORN laughs and fades away.

The old man shakes his head.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“All options remain on the table. All options remain on the table.”

He scrabbles for his beans. The beans turn to dust in his hands.

LCD Views is going to break from our stock in trade of merely objectively reporting the news as we invent it by giving some unsolicited advice to the Tory Party.

Save yourselves by ditching Brexit and getting back to just having old fashioned, traditional sex scandals.

You like sex scandals Tories. MP caught with a bit of rough. PM banging a colleague. MPs at each other hammer and tongs while brandishing a riding crop. Get into it.

It’ll reassure the poor you hope to crush too. Everyone who isn’t filthy rich or on the way there believes toffs are perverts.

Damian Green apparently hammering away at youporn in the office? Not really going to reassure anyone now, is it. Try harder. Where’s the affairs?

Forget this ridiculous ballooning pork barrel and graft horrorshow of Brexit just so a dickhead with a nanny can allegedly cream off more taxpayer cash to allegedly shove in a dodgy Russian bank.

That’s not going to get anyone hard.

That’s just going to make everyone angry and angrier.

Where’s the Benny Hill music there?

And not only that, you’ve paralysed the official opposition. The old commies running Labour are so rigid in anticipation of a revolution now they can’t find the wit to oppose.

It’s not very good now is it. Our whole system is being broken by Brexit and the urge to shag the entire U.K. senseless with disaster capitalism.

I even heard a rumour you’re having to pay major businesses to hold their conferences in London now because no one really wants to be seen here anymore. We’re now so toxic.

So just put Brexit aside. It’ll allow you to respawn. Much as that isn’t exactly great, at least it won’t be Wrexit. Then enough young loons will think they can carry on pretending you’re not just a way of leaching the poor. You may even get a future that way. Your membership isn’t going to reproduce any other way.

So for the last time ditch Brexit. Have a proper old fashioned, headline banging sex scandal. It may even save the U.K.

LCD Views has news of the desperate and wish fulfilling kind today. The telegraph wires are humming with the news that U.K. voters are to offer any and all corrupt MPs amnesty from prosecution.

“It’s on the condition they just f off and take Brexit with them,” our office stenographer, Mr Brachys Tachys, reports, “and the offer is for a short time and needs to be acted on swiftly. Here, I’ve already transcribed the news into a form that’s inaccessible to you.”

The move is an unexpected one and not one many will take with any pleasure.

“Well, they won’t stop Brexit knowing that it will almost certainly lead to public inquiries and then prosecution,” Mr Brachys Tachys muses, “they see their self interest better served as trying to make the ongoing coup of our government by dark money successful. Then they can just decide what is justice for all. It won’t be anything all will recognise as justice in that scenario.”

While deeply unsatisfying, and not a course of action we endorse, it does perhaps give insight into why parliament is so desperately crap currently at safeguarding the country’s interests.

“All that foreign money. All that kompromat. All those years selling out your nation’s best interests in the service of graft funded by billionaires who want the joy of smashing the UK to smithereens? It’s hard to step aside if you worry you’ll end up inside!”

While we’re not accusing any individual MPs of being corrupt, we would like to know what the hell is going on with Brexit and the collective wisdom of our MPs? And the pursuit to the bitter end of a political agenda that is burning people’s lives on an ever higher bonfire, when it’s obvious there’s no good reason why…so maybe there’s a bad reason why?

There has been a lot of finger-pointing from all sides in recent political debates, although none quite as jaw-dropping as the allegations made by Michael “Verbal” Gove last night.

In an informal chat with the police after a big vote went down, Gove claimed to know the identity of Keyser Soze.

“The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing people he didn’t exist,” Gove told senior police official Dave Kujan. “The greatest trick the conservative party pulled was convincing people that what we have done to them was the fault of labour or the EU.”

Apparently it all started a few years ago when he got in a police lineup with David Cameron, Theresa May, Boris Johnson and Ian Duncan Smith.

According to Mr Gove’s account, the five of them were subsequently approached by a shadowy figure called Kobayashi who instructed them to do a job for the mysterious crime lord Keyser Soze, namely isolate the UK and leave it vulnerable to US takeover.

Ian Duncan “Fenster” Smith jumped ship early and was subsequently found washed up in 2015, and is seen now and then propped up in a chair in a radio studio. But the others pursued the plan to the full. It involved a deal involving a huge payment arriving in the back of a van, for a load of Brexit dividends, which were arriving by boat.

Mr Gove reported how May told him to wait on the jetty in case things got ugly, they would need someone to tell the story afterwards. And sure enough, things got ugly. David “Hockney” Cameron found his way to the loot in the van but got shot down before he could help himself to it, while Boris “McManus” Johnson and Theresa “Keaton” May scoured the boat from bow to stern and could find no dividends on board. Johnson wound up with a knife in his back while May was then gunned down, and a shadowy figure then set fire to the boat.

Gove explained all this to Kujan, claiming they were all taken out by the mysterious Keyser Soze. When asked by Kujan why he didn’t help her, why he didn’t shoot Keyser Soze when he saw him standing over May, he replied, “how do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?”

After further interrogation, Gove broke down and finally admitted to Kujan that May was in fact Keyser Soze, but refused to testify against the crime boss in court. Kujan had no option but to let Gove go.

Mr Gove was last seen limping away, although some eyewitnesses have claimed the limp disappeared as he got further away from the police station.

Fantastic news for rare coin collectors today with the announcement that the Royal Mint will soon be releasing a special, commemorative silver coin, “The Judas”, to pay Labour MPs who vote for May’s Brexit deal when it returns to parliament next week.

“It’s been a rushed job, I don’t mind telling you,” Lord Haw-Haw, head of the design team behind the coin, told us, “we had to pick the right historical link as as theme. We had Profumo, Chamberlain, that guy that betrayed William Wallace, Cromwell (not the Civil War era Cromwell, the genocidal maniac that came after) and just a raft of others on the list, but in the end it had to be a biblical theme.”

It seems the biblical theme was chosen because it could be assumed as the lowest common denominator in terms of shared cultural knowledge, and just because it was the right fit.

“Our graphics guy, old O Moseley, had a lot of fun working up the images. He really wanted to get the tone right. This is why these are the first silver coins to feature colours. They really hit you in the eye.”

The coins are not just for numismatic nerds though, as they’ve been designed with specific politicians in mind.

“Clearly any Labour MP who is bought off to vote for May’s deal, even though anyone with half a brain knows that any Brexit will punish the most vulnerable hardest, can be accused of not putting the longer term interests of their constituency first, but their own short term calculations. Or of course, they could be a genuine Lexiter loon who hasn’t noticed the way the world has evolved since the 1970’s and actually vote for the deal out of misguided ideology. I don’t think they should be paid with silver.”

But how many coins will MPs be paid if they’re bought off by May with funds she should have been spending in their towns and regions before now anyway?

“Why thirty pieces of silver of course,” Lord Haw-Haw replied, “not a piece more and not a piece less.”

“The dog ate the speech I was going to make,” explained Sir Screw Hope, Tory MP for Staycations, who missed the climate change debate in the House of Commons, “and besides I had so much homework to do. And anyway, the MP for Oil didn’t turn up either, so why are you picking one me?”

Sir Screw Hope wasn’t alone. At times as few as ten MPs were present for the debate brought by Layla Moran of the Liberal Democrats and Caroline Lucas of the Green Party.

“See? I couldn’t be there. I had to be over at DExEU justifying my coming pay rise by working out how much more money to waste,” Mrs Winter Son, MP for Frackit-on-Why and a junior minister at DExEU told us, “and anyway, it’s not like it’s going to lose me any votes. Young people don’t engage in politics.”

These explanations, while perfectly valid, perhaps miss the point that the debate was brought as a direct result of a large student protest.

“It’s potentially a very clever strategy by MPs concerned about the lack of engagement in politics by younger demographics,” our political analyst comments, “the House of Commons is currently engaged in a mass shitting on of younger peoples’ hopes.”

But how is that a clever strategy?

“Just imagine yourself coming of age right now and being told you have to celebrate a blue passport and stay home with a crashing economy? And this is all being decided without your say by MPs of both main parties.”

It ain’t great.

“It would rev you up a little perhaps? Add on top of that the clear and present total disinterest of the majority of your elected representatives in the most pressing issue determining your future?”

What? Will May stay on until 2022 and will Jeremy Corbyn do Glastonbury again?

“Well, apart from those, yes. You’re probably feeling like you might like to get out and vote.”

But not for the MPs bringing you Brexit and effectively telling you to stfu?

“Yes indeed. Just imagine if there isn’t a GE until 2022, just where your party loyalties will be…”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/feb/28/mps-debate-climate-after-school-strike-but-only-a-handful-turn-up

Rumours are swirling about this morning that a room full of the biggest kids in the United Kingdom may soon be faced with a very difficult decision to prove just how much they’ve grown up lately.

“They’ve peed on all the toys,” our developmental correspondent says, “like, all the toys, everyone’s toys. An entire country worth of toys. Now they’ve done that they’ve started to worry they may get the blame for what they’ve done. So it’s decision time.”

It seems the decision is about how best to get away with what they’ve done.

“No one really wants to take responsibility. I don’t know how many bloody high energy drinks they’d gotten hold of before they went on the peeing party, but it must have been epic. A whole off licence worth is my guess.”

Couldn’t they just turn to the adults, confess, apologise, get a scolding and then ask for help to wash off everyone’s toys?

“Oh, you’re a comedian now are you? Have you seen they way they carry on when they’re together? There’s as much chance of that as the moon actually being made of cheese. No. They need to duck and cover or destroy the evidence.”

So what’s duck and cover?

“Ask the country if they want to wash the pee off their toys. Put it to the people. Pretend you don’t know how the toys got into the state they’re in, but offer to help with the clean up.”

And what’s destroying the evidence?

“Burning all the toys. Before anyone can see what they’re really up to. That way everyone will be too busy crying over the destruction of the things they love initially to hold the big kids to account. The big kids can scarper in that moment, mostly to non-exec boards on private companies or Nice. Or both.”

The big kids sound like they’ve still some growing up to do.

LCD Views can report his morning that for the many, not the few MPs are expected to step up to the plate and halt Brexit in the next few weeks, because it’s in their self-interest to do so.

“I wouldn’t say step up to the plate, so much as leap like a flock of sheep over an imagined hurdle once enough of them get it into their heads to do so,” our political analyst muses,

“there are of course numerous wolves in sheep’s clothing amongst the 650 MPs currently filing expense forms at Westminster, they genuinely couldn’t care less. They spend their days imagining tearing the underbelly out of the country and devouring it. They’re either presumed to be bought by dark money interests, under blackmail or just swivel eyed, ideologically driven lunatics, but the majority aren’t any of these terrible things. They do however lack courage. Courage only the ticking down of the clock will muster.”

But when will they act? A nervous country waits as the signs of complete political breakdown gather like scat filled storm clouds and the country’s political figurehead, the prime minister, is clearly just interested in adding to the blackmail, for want of any reasoned negotiating strategy. And her opposing number, the leader of the official opposition, is more interested in fevered backroom plotting than any serious leadership, or offering an alternative.

“This is why we can’t have a general election,” our analyst says, “what’s the point? Both main parties are offering Brexit. It’s likely the Conservatives would actually gain a majority because enough right of centre swing voters would vote for them, as a Tory Brexit is less terrifying than a Trot Lexit. And plenty of left of centre swing voters feel so justifiably betrayed by Magic Grandpa that they’ll put their votes elsewhere or spoil the ballot.”

So when will the mass of moderate, sane MPs act?

“Oh, as soon as enough perceive that it’s in their self interest.”

The leaders of the UK’s most powerful political parties have held a joint press conference today to declare a truce.

”Hopefully it will lead to a formal and permanent cessation of hostilities,” Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, dressed appropriately in white, stated, “so we can focus on our real enemies, the ones within our own parties. Impurities must be flushed from the viral essence.”

Ms May, dressed disarmingly in a denim jumpsuit and a power chain, was similarly hopeful.

”This truce, declared today between myself and Jeremy, builds on the back channel talks that have been held in secret for a long time, in order to deliver Brexit for the British people and autocracy for all, whichever old party is in government, Brexit means Brexit.”

(pause for a meaningful stare to camera)

”While we have still been officially at war, the Labour and Conservative MPs who worked openly in 2011, but failed to deliver an IN/OUT EUref then, can come out of the corridors now and advance hand in hand to victory against jobs and the single market and all those bloody foreigners on March 29th.”

The leaders went on to confirm that recent defections from their respective parties by traitors would not dampen their enthusiasm to build a lasting understanding built on the wilful demolition of auto manufacturers in the U.K. by both a major union and disaster capitalists.

”Our focus at the next GE will be on unseating our own MPs. And that is something else we can both agree on as a greater priority than food and medicines.”