Category: Democracy

Liars, damned liars and Chris Grayling, as the saying goes. The man who has turned failure into an art form has pulled off his most audacious stunt yet.

LCD Views’ 80s Style Demo correspondent bumped into the man himself, at the People’s Vote march, almost as if it had been planned.

“I must say, this is a brilliant turnout for a Brexit march,” remarked Grayling, amid a sea of placards demanding that we revoke Article 50. “The news said Nige’s march only had a handful of people. Well, it shows you how biased the media are!”

We believe that Farage’s Big Pointless Waddle is actually stuck in the mud somewhere in Yorkshire at the minute.

“March means march!” exclaimed Grayling, displaying the confidence that has made him such an accomplished failure. “March is the month for marching. See what I did there? Anyway, I’m sure Nige will roll up any minute now, and lead us to glorious, err, something or other.”

We approached the stage, by some kind of miracle. The crowds parted, nobody wanting to touch the hem of Grayling’s robe. He was drawn, irresistibly, to the sight of a microphone, and somehow managed to stagger up in front of it. The crowd jeered in anticipation.

“Cheering, not jeering!” he chuckled, off-mic. “I feel the need to speak. What shall I say?”

We passed him a draft of the gibberish we had, sadly, prepared for the booze-up that evening.

“Friends, Romans, cun…. Hang on, that’s not right, is it?” he began.

We assured him that he was doing just fine.

“Yes, well, anyway, it is great to see you bunch of sarcastic tossers,” he continued. “This is a great triumph of disorganised chaos, dreamed up by a bunch of drunken idiots. Just like Brexit!”

Massive cheers. “It’s going really well, isn’t it?” he whispered as an aside.

“Today we have proved that alcohol and being incredibly funny go together like Chris Grayling and spaffing money up the wall!”

Gales of laughter. Grayling beamed, his reputation cemented forever.

“So thank you for bothering to get off your arses, and the first round is on me!”

Mayhem. Scenes. Delight.

The government is expecting to pick up a bar tab that is second only to David Davis’s.

With the petition to cancel Brexit past 1 million signatures already, the prime minister (still at the time of writing) is clearly flustered, as she’s announced a new emergency measure.

She has given Chris “Failing” Grayling responsibility for the petitions website.

In a press statement, she said:
“It is absolutely unacceptable that the people express their will in this way, they must be prevented from doing so at all costs.”

By “in this way” she is of course referring to the democratic right of free speech.

The idea came to her after the immense number of signatures the petition was receiving actually crashed the government’s petitions website.

“If the website stays down,” Mrs May went on, “people will not be able to express their democratic free will in this way. And with Chris Grayling in charge, we will ensure that it goes down and stays down – crash it means crash it.”

Mr Grayling is looking forward to a job where things going wrong is the specific objective.

“I’ve been doing some research on how to cause a really spectacular crash,” he said. “And I am hoping to follow in the footsteps of the legendary Launchpad McQuack, whose motto was ‘if it’s got wings, I can crash it’ – well, my motto for this is, if it has webs, I can crash it.”

Rumours that Mr McQuack was may’s first choice to head the petitions website have been dismissed by may on the grounds that the legendary pilot to Scrooge McDuck is a fictional character, however many have expressed the view that such a detail would not stop her if she felt she could get away with it.

It is estimated that if Mr Grayling lives up to his usual standards, the website will be crashed for good, when the petition reaches between 35 and 40 million signatures.

LCD Views’ Democratic Health correspondent has received reassuring news this morning that the famed ‘Willy of the people’ is to seek treatment for electile dysfunction.

“Willy has been brought out and exposed to public scrutiny so many times over the last two plus years, the strain is starting to tell. Not to mention sheer age, given he’s from the older voting demographic by and large.”

Symptoms first started to become evident the moment he was first exposed to public scrutiny in 2016.

“You could see he was flaccid at times and uncertain if he was up to the job. The next day he would be stout as English oak and almost impossible to keep down.”

The public figures who have aligned themselves with Willy have issued stiff and multiple denials that anything is wrong with this most public organ. Although it’s worth noting they aren’t holding Willy as hard as they used to.

But they still claim to have a firm grip on his innermost desires; that he fills them with rigour and a upright sense of direction, even though he’s barely at half mast.

“Willy never changes in his mind or ours,” our correspondent advised, quoting from a sheet said to contain eyebrow raising government talking points, “once he has raised his flag he is off like a rocket and fast as a steam train through a tunnel no matter how the winds of fate blow, hard, or soft.”

But keen observers have noted that whatever the people claiming to know the mind of Willy may spout, he’s been up and down and turned around so many times since June 2016 that it would be a shock if he wasn’t suffering electile dysfunction.

“The treatment is actually pretty straightforward,” our correspondent advises, “Willy needs some straightforward facts, no beating around the bush, just plain old talk about the body politic and what it desires and he’ll be stiff as a flagpole again in no time. Some sort of willy joke should do it. I mean, people’s vote!”

A fresh election wouldn’t hurt him any either. Oh, and if people could stop signing that Revoke Article 50 petition by the thousands every minute or two…We fear there’s no coming back to form for the 2016 Willy of the people now.

“It’s just like a mob of zombies promising to take a break from stumbling about feeding on brains,” our Westminster correspondent (recently fired by the BBC for not reading from government press releases without comment) commented,

“it’s the only reason they’re still moving to begin with, most of them, searching for the source of that smell of autocracy, so they can feast on it. I wouldn’t believe them. They’re just raising false hopes, again.”

And raising false hopes they are.

The thought of nearly a hundred alleged dark money servants not meddling daily in the governance of the UK will be a prospect that lightens downcast faces across the land.

“Can you imagine an entire year without having anything said by Rees-mogg, David Davis, Andrea Jenkyns, Desmond Swayne and just the whole host of imbecilic, entitled, democracy smashing tools, an entire year of silence from them? It is actually making my skin tingle, in the right way for a change.”

But voters whose spirits are lifting at the prospect are warned to be wary.

“DO NOT count your chickens before they hatch on this one,” our correspondent advises, “this is the false promise collective. I’m pretty sure they’ve kept promises made to donors, lobbyists, probably to some representatives for various overseas actors? I don’t know. You tell me. But can you think of any promises they’ve kept to the great British public?”

(tumbleweeds)

(more tumbleweeds)

“Unless we’re talking about underfunding vital public services in order to fund tax cuts for billionaires of course. Those promises get kept.”

We here at LCD Views would love day after day without headlines involving the arch villainous actors of the current political life of the country, but we’re keep our shovel in our hands for the time being.

“Brains….brains….brains….”

See? Can you hear that? Do you feel it. Right now, the hard Tory Brexiters are still shuffling and stumbling about the land.

The Government has responded rapidly to Speaker John Bercow ruling out filming a third sequel to Downing Street’s rubbish Indy film ‘MV : May’s Brexit Deal’ and ‘MV2 : May’s Brexit Deal – Defeat Me Hard Again’ by skipping straight to producing a fourth show in the franchise.

”MV4 is a real fourth flick in the series. MV3 had to have happened or old rules are rules, zzzz, Bercow couldn’t have sent it straight to DVD,” a Downing Street aide told Radio 4’s baffled review programme, PM.

Why PM was sounding baffled by Bercow’s decision, when millions of ordinary buffs weren’t, isn’t a mystery, they’re always baffled because they pay as much attention to the details of producing events these days as a run of the mill member of the ERG.

”MV4 will most likely be called ‘Return of the farce’, although as the farce hasn’t actually left at any stage that’s a little contentious and we’ll be seeking the DUP’s scriptwriting input on it. They charge for dialogue, but they’re worth it.”

Whatever they decide to call the fourth movie in the MV franchise they’d better get a move on if they want to reach around the maximum audience.

”We so need to get a wriggle on,” the aide agreed, “with our own porn block coming in on April 1st, we want people to watch this without ripping off someone’s identity in order to do so.”

But why would anyone need to do that?

”Because the entire MV franchise is about a country getting soundly buggered.”

It’s been a busy weekend for the government whips as they desperately attempt to find the right lever to pull to get obstinate MPs to back the w+anchor’s deal that Theresa May has negotiated with the EU, from the position of her own immovable red lines.

“Not all of them can just be bribed with cash incentives,” our secret whip, Mr Nine Tails, said, “did I say bribe? I meant argued about to our point of view with a coherent series of points underlining the superior nature of our logic and thinking.”

But while some maybe turned with the offer of a peerage or a knighthood, some really do play hard with their balls, really cup and hold onto them tight.

“Holden McCock is a classic case,” Nine Tails revealed, “he is independently wealthy and his constituency heaving with privately held assets, they even fill pot holes still, no matter deep they are, really stuff them, so we had to find a different way to get him to switch his vote. We had to get deep and personal, right inside him with feeling.”

And how did you do it?

“He’s mad as hell over the porn block that’s coming down the line,” Nine Tails revealed, “he doesn’t want to have to input his personal details, prove his age, and then have his identity linked to a page that shows foreign types shoving fruit up their jacksies while singing ‘God Save The Queen’.”

A tough pip to squeeze!

“But we found a way to get the acorn nestling in the weeds to grow into a firm oak.”

Which was?

“We promised him a personal exemption from the new porn block. We spent a lot of time discussing what happened to Damian Green. Tragedy of it all.”

And what about Esther McVey? We don’t think such a principled lady would be won over with that grotty prize.

“No. We just kept saying ‘Sir Esther McVey’ and convinced her that war is peace.”

So there you have it, if May can get her MV3 passed Bercow there maybe more than one MP shuffling over the stiff corridor of power and changing their mind this week.

“You’ve just got to find their lever and hold it firmly and give it a firm pull,” Mr Nine Tails added, with a wink that left us needing a wash.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/porn-block-how-will-the-new-uk-porn-laws-affect-you_uk_5c866421e4b0ed0a00158f17

EXT    ALLOTMENT    MIDNIGHT

An AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN stands beneath a clear sky, under a bright scimitar moon.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

”Put a handle on that moon and it would be a sickle.”

He’s a multi-millionaire, but you wouldn’t know it from his clothes.

He looks like he’s been dressed by a charity store, who gave him a suit.

He holds something in a clenched hand.

CLOSE ON as he opens the hand and see what’s on his palm.

MAGIC BEANS. The glow of them lights his face and he smiles.

He closes his hand and kneels in the dirt of the allotment. With his other hand he tries to dig a hole, but the soil will not shift.

He tries harder. But the soil will not shift.

LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER as he struggles to make a hole.

A FIGURE is coming up behind him. Quietly. Swiftly.

He doesn’t notice. He mutters at the ground. He puts the beans down at the side and tries with both hands. But he can’t make a hole. He is getting angry now.

THE FIGURE is coming closer and closer. We can see details now.

It’s a UNICORN with a red star on its white chest.

UNICORN

“The ship is leaving the port.”

The AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN turns sharply.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“Come back with a saddle and I will ride you.”

The UNICORN laughs. The old man scowls. The UNICORN bears its teeth. Foam and spittle flick out as it laughs so hard it goes down to kneel on one knee. Right on top of the magic beans.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“Get off my magic beans!”

The UNICORN abruptly stops laughing.

UNICORN

“The magic has left your beans. And if you don’t start fighting Brexit today you will be punished by fate.”

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“NO. Don’t. Tom Watson can never become leader of the Labour Party.”

The UNICORN chuckles.

UNICORN

“No. Not that.”

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“Then what?”

UNICORN

“Chuka Umunna will become PM, while you are still leader of the Labour Party. Your believers will howl in disbelief. And Chuka will go hither and thither with the wind, but he will be PM.”

The old man’s eyes widen. He grabs the UNICORN’S horn and tries to pull it off.

The UNICORN laughs and fades away.

The old man shakes his head.

AGEING CAREER POLITICIAN

“All options remain on the table. All options remain on the table.”

He scrabbles for his beans. The beans turn to dust in his hands.

LCD Views is going to break from our stock in trade of merely objectively reporting the news as we invent it by giving some unsolicited advice to the Tory Party.

Save yourselves by ditching Brexit and getting back to just having old fashioned, traditional sex scandals.

You like sex scandals Tories. MP caught with a bit of rough. PM banging a colleague. MPs at each other hammer and tongs while brandishing a riding crop. Get into it.

It’ll reassure the poor you hope to crush too. Everyone who isn’t filthy rich or on the way there believes toffs are perverts.

Damian Green apparently hammering away at youporn in the office? Not really going to reassure anyone now, is it. Try harder. Where’s the affairs?

Forget this ridiculous ballooning pork barrel and graft horrorshow of Brexit just so a dickhead with a nanny can allegedly cream off more taxpayer cash to allegedly shove in a dodgy Russian bank.

That’s not going to get anyone hard.

That’s just going to make everyone angry and angrier.

Where’s the Benny Hill music there?

And not only that, you’ve paralysed the official opposition. The old commies running Labour are so rigid in anticipation of a revolution now they can’t find the wit to oppose.

It’s not very good now is it. Our whole system is being broken by Brexit and the urge to shag the entire U.K. senseless with disaster capitalism.

I even heard a rumour you’re having to pay major businesses to hold their conferences in London now because no one really wants to be seen here anymore. We’re now so toxic.

So just put Brexit aside. It’ll allow you to respawn. Much as that isn’t exactly great, at least it won’t be Wrexit. Then enough young loons will think they can carry on pretending you’re not just a way of leaching the poor. You may even get a future that way. Your membership isn’t going to reproduce any other way.

So for the last time ditch Brexit. Have a proper old fashioned, headline banging sex scandal. It may even save the U.K.

LCD Views has news of the desperate and wish fulfilling kind today. The telegraph wires are humming with the news that U.K. voters are to offer any and all corrupt MPs amnesty from prosecution.

“It’s on the condition they just f off and take Brexit with them,” our office stenographer, Mr Brachys Tachys, reports, “and the offer is for a short time and needs to be acted on swiftly. Here, I’ve already transcribed the news into a form that’s inaccessible to you.”

The move is an unexpected one and not one many will take with any pleasure.

“Well, they won’t stop Brexit knowing that it will almost certainly lead to public inquiries and then prosecution,” Mr Brachys Tachys muses, “they see their self interest better served as trying to make the ongoing coup of our government by dark money successful. Then they can just decide what is justice for all. It won’t be anything all will recognise as justice in that scenario.”

While deeply unsatisfying, and not a course of action we endorse, it does perhaps give insight into why parliament is so desperately crap currently at safeguarding the country’s interests.

“All that foreign money. All that kompromat. All those years selling out your nation’s best interests in the service of graft funded by billionaires who want the joy of smashing the UK to smithereens? It’s hard to step aside if you worry you’ll end up inside!”

While we’re not accusing any individual MPs of being corrupt, we would like to know what the hell is going on with Brexit and the collective wisdom of our MPs? And the pursuit to the bitter end of a political agenda that is burning people’s lives on an ever higher bonfire, when it’s obvious there’s no good reason why…so maybe there’s a bad reason why?

There has been a lot of finger-pointing from all sides in recent political debates, although none quite as jaw-dropping as the allegations made by Michael “Verbal” Gove last night.

In an informal chat with the police after a big vote went down, Gove claimed to know the identity of Keyser Soze.

“The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing people he didn’t exist,” Gove told senior police official Dave Kujan. “The greatest trick the conservative party pulled was convincing people that what we have done to them was the fault of labour or the EU.”

Apparently it all started a few years ago when he got in a police lineup with David Cameron, Theresa May, Boris Johnson and Ian Duncan Smith.

According to Mr Gove’s account, the five of them were subsequently approached by a shadowy figure called Kobayashi who instructed them to do a job for the mysterious crime lord Keyser Soze, namely isolate the UK and leave it vulnerable to US takeover.

Ian Duncan “Fenster” Smith jumped ship early and was subsequently found washed up in 2015, and is seen now and then propped up in a chair in a radio studio. But the others pursued the plan to the full. It involved a deal involving a huge payment arriving in the back of a van, for a load of Brexit dividends, which were arriving by boat.

Mr Gove reported how May told him to wait on the jetty in case things got ugly, they would need someone to tell the story afterwards. And sure enough, things got ugly. David “Hockney” Cameron found his way to the loot in the van but got shot down before he could help himself to it, while Boris “McManus” Johnson and Theresa “Keaton” May scoured the boat from bow to stern and could find no dividends on board. Johnson wound up with a knife in his back while May was then gunned down, and a shadowy figure then set fire to the boat.

Gove explained all this to Kujan, claiming they were all taken out by the mysterious Keyser Soze. When asked by Kujan why he didn’t help her, why he didn’t shoot Keyser Soze when he saw him standing over May, he replied, “how do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?”

After further interrogation, Gove broke down and finally admitted to Kujan that May was in fact Keyser Soze, but refused to testify against the crime boss in court. Kujan had no option but to let Gove go.

Mr Gove was last seen limping away, although some eyewitnesses have claimed the limp disappeared as he got further away from the police station.