Category: Democracy

LCD Views has encouraging news for people worried about the leadership of The Brexit Party, after the first leader stood down after revealing herself as an awful effing racist on social media. And to be too racist for a Farage vehicle, well, that’s some heavy duty racism right there.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47668067

But there is nothing to worry about. The leadership of the Brexshit Party is in good hands, even though Nigel Farage has just announced he is stepping down with immediate effect.

“Paul Nuttall is to become leader of The Brexit Party right now,” a Brexit Party insider told LCD Views, from the vantage point of their sewer, “he will easily combine running the newest force in British politics with being President of the United States, CEO of Tate & Lyle and Chief Editor at The Telegraph. He really can multi-task.”

But why has Nigel decided to stand down so quickly? He only just launched the party’s EU election campaign?

“He’s been offered a job working on a cross party initiative for both the government and Labour.”

He’s going to help solve Brexit?

“Don’t be stupid! There’s no solving Brexit! It’s supposed to be a country demolishing catastrophe, that’s how everyone involved gets rich! Including the multi-millionaire, career politician and inheritance millionaires running Labour. No. Nigel has bigger fish to fry.”

Which are?

“Well someone has to come up with a new policy to unite both the major UK political parties over once they deliver Brexit, which of course was the only reason for UKIP existing, and why Farage jettisoned it. Imagine that, nearly three years after allegedly using private polling to make a killing on the markets during the EU ref, and both the Cons and Labour are still trying to deliver on it. It makes you wonder, doesn’t it.”

Well, we all know the Tories can’t be trusted, but Labour have no choice but to go along with the lies, or they’ll lose their electorate. They can’t just spend day after day exposing the criminality and bullshit. That’s hardly the job of a party that wants government.

“Who wants government? No one wants government.”

This is all getting a little bit confusing.

“Once we’ve all finished destabilising the United Kingdom and eroding all trust in its political system, then we’ll want government. Nigel will be helping work on that and going by his speech the other day, we know he’s looking back in time for inspiration. Paul’s just taking over the Brexit Party because he’s a fucking muppet.”

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE SWITZERLAND DOES NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a Swiss court has ordered a referendum re-run, because of errors in the pre-ref build up, and the finding by the Swiss court that voters were not given the full facts prior to going to the ballot.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-47879777

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to quash the result of a people’s vote in 2016 and order it re-run. This has no application in Mighty Britannia because the non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle referendums,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Swiss that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Swiss. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Switzerland does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with a referendum, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that referenda and not referendums is used in any official document.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Swiss! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

The latest extension to the Article 50 notice, issued nine years ago by the then British prime minister Theresa “Maybot” May, and supported at the time by the leader of the opposition Jeremy “End FOM” Corbyn,  has been agreed with the leaders of the 34 expanded EU nations.

“Earlier today I wrote to all the leaders of the family of thirty four European nations asking for the UK’s annual extension to the article 50 process,” announced Nicola Sturgeon, joint leader of the GNU (Government of National Unity) alongside Caroline Lucas,

“I am pleased to say that the roll over process for leaving the European Union was agreed with no additional conditions, other than the cancelling of the planned probations for Boris Johnson and Michael Gove, the commitment to continuing to search for Lord Rees-mogg in the Ural Mountains, and the passing of the required legislation to allow the UK to participate in the EP elections on the 23rd May 2024.”

The announcement caused little fuss widely, being now part of the yearly traditions of the British isles, but to the surprise of many it did cause SETI to make an announcement of its own.

“The brief appearance of the imperial battle cruiser over the Tower of London in late 2020 has generally been agreed to have been connected with the disappearance of the sole inhabitant of the medieval prison, Nigel Farage, who was at the time being held prior to criminal proceedings for the alleged crime of treason. We all know the trial took place in his absence after he vanished mysteriously from the tower.”

So much so old news.

“But, SETI can confirm today the arrival on Earth of a small and very rusty droid, which appears to originally have been designed as a mini-bar and ashtray, but was modified to carry a videotape of the kind last used on Earth in the later stages of the 20th century.”

Ooo?

“Scientists at NASA have played the tape, after fetching a Betamax tape player from a museum, and can confirm it is a message from the Emperor Farage announcing his decision to run in the 2024 EP elections as leader of his latest party, The Death Star Party. Furthermore he has issued instructions for the design of the ballot papers. The DSP is to be represented on the ballot by a half moon death star and a properly shaped, traditional British banana. Thank you for your time.”

LCD Views can report the made up story that Westminster MPs are being put through almost constant fire safety drills this week as the temperature inside the Palace of Westminster rises.

“The risk of a gammon MP spontaneously combusting is now extreme to critical,” a House of Commons fire safety warden told us, “it’s problematic personally.”

Why is that?

“I have to wear a hi-viz vest whenever we have a drill,” the aide replied, “I keep getting rugby tackled by security staff who think I’m a bloody rent-a-gob, pay for view, pavement neo-nazi who somehow got inside the building! Why couldn’t they pick on a type of hat? Why take a vest used in so many fields in day to day work? Or just wear a pineapple slice on their head!”

Pineapple goes well with ham, especially on pizza.

“Lord almighty! Don’t bring Hawaiian pizza’s into it. That’s almost as divisive as Brexit.”

So how are the safety drills going?

“Poorly. The gammon MPs don’t listen to anyone but themselves. The bell rings and there’s no reaction. Francois, Bridgen, Jenkyns or another of the clueless porcine hand puppets just keeps grunting away in barely comprehensible assertions while rolling around in salt. We have to lure them out with truffles. And truffles aren’t cheap. On the plus side, the other MPs leap at the chance to get out of the chamber.”

But do you expect one of them to actually explode? Are the drills worth it? There’s a lot of important not deciding anything going on.

“Most of them are cooking slowly in their juices, it’s true,” the warden shrugged, “but sooner or later one of the men is going to explode and it’ll be chunks of gammon all over the walls and floor.”

Probably even the ceiling.

“If another Cooper/Letwin bill gets passed by one vote, like last night, I doubt there will be a ceiling afterwards. At least not on the level of pig ignorant rage you’ll get from the Brexiter MPs, who never bother to understand anything.”

Maybe just wrap them in a fire blanket first?

“Pigs in blankets? Now there’s a thought. Not only are they tasty, but that way you can contain any explosions.”

LCD Views can report today that the big prime ministerial eraser is being brought out of storage once again as the deadline for participating in EU elections looms.

“It tastes of fudge it does,” an aide to the PM told us, “the eraser, big bloody thing, can you give us a help lifting it. Don’t lick it. You get a taste of the fudge flavour and you’ll find yourself having another taste. It’s political cocaine. It’s very habit forming. Don’t try and line up the little fragments that come off when it’s used and use a rolled up twenty to snort them either. You do it once and you’ll never stop. DO NOT LICK THE RUBBER. OMG.”

Sorry.

But why is it ever tucked away in the first place? It gets used so often you think it’d be kept in a 10 Downing Street desk drawer.

“Beats me. I just work here,” the aide informed, “All I know is that we have to get out of the EU before they hold elections. The tyrannical superstate will force us to have a vote! So their elected parliament isn’t at risk of being illegally constituted. How undemocratic is that? People voting? Having a say in the future of the massive bloc of half a billion people? That will, through sheer force of gravity alone, determine our trajectory if we leave it? We can’t have that,

“The people of the UK have already spoken, years ago, when everything was different to now and they knew a lot less. But once is quite enough. In Global Britain the citizens do not vote. Let people keep voting and it could become habit forming.”

But we don’t have to take part in the EU elections even if we legislate by the 12th of April to do so. Apparently May can just cancel our participation up to 24 hours before. So she can both erase another of her red lines and still have a handful of fudge to throw to her party. Cynical. Duplicitous. But possible.

“Here, you said you were a reporter?”

I am. Fictional. But yes.

“Talking like that you sound like a Downing Street advisor.”

“The MP for Red Cloud and Fingerling is not just any parliamentary potato,” the legend underneath the planned statue of Mark Francois will read, “he’s a hard boiled, mashed, salted and buttered parliamentary potato. And furthermore, in a first for GM vegetables, he can talk!”

And not only that, he’s to be the first of many ERG statues planned for College Green, as the United Kingdom moves to celebrate the quality of MPs currently dominating the debate over Brexit.

“Potatriots one and all,” the parliamentary select committee dealing in monuments found, “and we aim to celebrate them with root vegetable, and cured meat, lifelike statues in the vicinity of Westminster.”

But controversy has already beset the celebration of modern British democratic virtues, as critics (aren’t there always critics!) have been quick to point out that the statue of Mr Francois will be too large.

“We are aware that the steering committee concerned rejected the first proposal of a Tom Thumb sized Francois, for exaggerating the MPs stature at 1.02m, when everyone knows that he’s the smallest man in the Commons, busily battling it out with Bridgen, Kawczynski, Cash, Deadwood and numerous others to get the little mantle,” a statue critic said, “but even at standard potato size the statue will give a disproportionate impression of the MPs’ contributions. We suggest baby new potato size, or maybe even just one of the little white and pink sprouty things that come off a potato left in a pantry for too long.”

Other issues have been raised with the colour of the statue, for being standard pale, when in fact the MP is bright red the majority of the time. As such, a variety of potato such as Red Cloud would be more suitable.

“At least everyone can agree that motion activated speakers, intended to broadcast (in shouts) the MPs’ famous speeches whenever anyone comes near, are a lovely addition. In this way future generations can get a real idea of how everything just went so completely wrong in Brexit Britain.”

There are plenty of red faces at the House of Commons this afternoon, and not just the usual angry gammony ones like Francois and Bridgen.

“Downing Street pulled a blinder on MPs,” our Westminster insider reveals, “early this morning they sent out an email to all MPs giving their total support to the indicative vote process.”

Yeah right!

“But not only that, they promised to listen to outcome of the indicative votes. And even went so far as to say they’d be guided by the most popular. Parliament has decided and the executive will be bound by parliament.”

Pull the other one! The representatives of the voters getting a say in the most important decision for decades? You’re having a laugh.

”It was plainly a ridiculous statement, coming from May’s office. But so many MPs are desperate to feel involved, having squandered ever other chance to be, that they feel for it hook, line and sinker. And others are just plain thick. As they display amply day in and out when spouting nonsense on BBC platforms and going unchallenged.”

That’s because a lot of the journalists seem more interested in the soap opera of indivuak political careers than the country’s future.

”Too right. But we’re not here to talk about Kuenssberg’s panto show this evening, but the April Fool’s prank.”

I saw the advert for the Laura me me me show and thought it was a BBC prank, actually.

”Let’s hope it is!”

So how are MPs taking the news they’ve been had?

”With a shrug. They’ve been played for fools day in and day out for a few years now, most of them are used to it.”

“I must advise the honourable, and the dishonourable, members of this house that if they ever wish to see their families again they will pass my Deal this evening,” a clearly furious Theresa May told the HoC this afternoon after her dodgy deal failed to pass third time lucky.

”This Government will now move to bring MV4 on MY DEAL by 6pm this evening and I advise you to vote for it.”

The reason for the delay was not initially clear, why not just do it again right now?

”They had to lock BERCOW in a cupboard and put a Bercow mask on Dominic Raab,” our Palace of Westminster insider texted out, “and it was thought it was going to take a few hours to locate and kidnap enough members of opposition bench families to hold as security for good behaviour.”

Another reason for a few hours pause was believed to be Ms May personally taking a chainsaw to the magic money tree and chopping the last of it to the ground.

”A bigger cash incentive will be needed to swing around the zealots in the ERG and the zealots in the DUP, but she’s their measure now. She’ll get her deal through by this evening at the fourth attempt and then she can switch back to blackmail. Much less grubby than bribery.”

Quite what will happen if May’s deal doesn’t pass at the fourth attempt is not yet clear, as always with Brexit.

”What the government really fears is a long Article 50 extension,” our insider says, “that’ll mean a terrifying outbreak of democracy. EP elections, then a GE and finally the PV. And no one wants to vote again. We already had a vote, once, years ago.”

One day resigning Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Theresa Maybe, has dug into the annals of rock history this week in an attempt to get others to help her finish the job she was put up to do.

“She’s recorded a cover of the AC/DC classic ‘Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap’ and everyone in the House of Commons has found it downloaded onto their phones whether they wanted it there or not,” our Westminster headbanger informs, “it’s done in a bid to use the rumble and beat of rock to roll MPs over to her side. Oh, and a neat way to offer an ‘incentive’ to that end.”

The lyrics have been modified from the original to target wavering Labour MPs especially.

“She knows that to get her deal though the House of Commons on the third bash, after amputating it, mincing it, mashing it, washing it and hanging it out to dry, in order to get passed the rules (what are rules to a Brexiter but an unnecessary hindrance?) she’s going to need Labour MPs who should have joined UKIP to come over to her side and hang out with the Tory MPs who have turned the Tories into UKIP,

“But how to convince them? Maybe a little cash incentive? But how to pitch it? Why not with song?”

If you’re havin’ trouble with your constituents
They’re givin’ you the blues
You want to stay in office but not in in power
Here’s what you gotta do
Pick up the phone
I’m always home
Call me any time
Just ring
10 10 10 Downing Street
I hack apart the magic money tree all the time

“Some critics have suggested the reworking of the lyrics wasn’t necessary, but I think it makes the appeal more direct,” our headbanger says, “after all, whatever (most likely) false promise of cash May will offer, it’s not a patch on what the MPs’ areas will lose as a result of Brexit. So if you want them to dance to your tune, you’ve got to give them a song to sing to.”

Here at LCD Views we applaud the Prime Minister for not being bound by the staid traditions of the past like a sound and coherent argument for gaining support, while backroom deals are done in secret, but being very open. It shows the voting public just who is doing the dirty deeds, and doing them cheap. Ultimately you’re the ones paying the price, so that makes it a lot easier for some MPs to tap their foot along.

By way of light relief we’ve added a link to a shocking reworking of the AC/DC classic below, discovered by accident during the exhaustive research for this article.

Who’s song will you sing next time you vote? Well, if there’s a next time, given the aims of Brexit.

https://genius.com/Bob-rivers-dirty-deeds-done-with-sheep-lyrics