Category: Democracy

Foreign Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt insisted today that exercising democracy, by voting in the EU elections, would be undemocratic. Hunt was speaking at a doomed trade summit in Japan, where his attempts to tell them how business should be done have been dismissed as ‘Huntsplaining’.

Hunt is keen to use his Japanese, so it is possible that his comments have lost a little in translation. Our interpreter, Asumi Dunno, suggested that he only does it to show off to his Japanese wife (or is she Chinese? Or Korean? Even she isn’t sure these days).

“I think he just after hanky-panky,” explained Dunno. “His Japanese very good, but he making silly mistake all the time. Silly woman think it sexy.”

What has Hunt been saying about democracy?

“He say, don’t let people vote,” said Dunno. “People voted to not be in EU, so people can’t vote in EU election. England must leave EU very very soon or his party up shit creek without paddle. People very cross, he say. People will be angry if England stay in EU. There will be big fight, he say. I think he speak testicle.”

He’s talking bollocks, you mean?

“In Japan, we say he speak with his belly cut open,” she explained. “Liar liar pant on fire, yes? People already voted. Never vote again. Democracy only happen once, in case people change mind, he say. In Japan, we say evil cause, evil effect. Evil campaign, evil policy. It very wrong. It very toxic in England.”

Why does he think exercising democracy is so undemocratic?

“I assume he don’t know,” said Asumi Dunno. “He make no sense. He say, no to bad EU, very bad indeed, but we still want EU trade deal. He say, democracy is good, but more democracy is not democracy. He batshit crazy.”

It is true that Jeremy C. Hunt is the best Foreign Secretary since Boris Johnson. And if that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47933511

UKIP have spent more than a penny today with their new look flag projected onto the White Cliffs of Dover, launching their EU elections campaign.

The re-designed party flag has been got up in time to help tell the unelected MEPs that make decisions together about the EU, in a parliament, to bog off! Just like every time UKIP MEP’s get elected to the unelected, unaccountable EU.

”We need to distance ourselves from Farage’s new party too,” someone claiming to be a party insider told LCD Views, “we’re the natural home for neo-fascists, racists in general and just plain credulous idiots. Not Nigel, the splitter, Farage’s new outfit. We take advantage of people shafted by Westminster politics. We started it!”

The new look flag is raising eyebrows though, for the addition of a urinal toilet, when there are so many other fitting symbols to choose from.

”We aim to flush the U.K. away,” the insider clarified, “away from Brussels. Then pick up our EU pensions, paid in Euros, and laugh at the bank as Sterling goes down the toilet. It’s pretty obvious what the flag means. Just don’t ask me why it’s yellow and purple because I’ve never worked that bit out.”

For supporters of the party too it is a nice twist that will help defend them against accusations they’re going even further right under Batten’s leadership.

”It’s not a right turn, how can it be? Toilets have an S bend. So it’s more like we’re coming back around on ourselves, carrying all our same old shite with us.”

So that settles that then. Let’s hope on May 23rd it’s UKIP that is flushed away.

LCD Views has encouraging news for people worried about the leadership of The Brexit Party, after the first leader stood down after revealing herself as an awful effing racist on social media. And to be too racist for a Farage vehicle, well, that’s some heavy duty racism right there.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47668067

But there is nothing to worry about. The leadership of the Brexshit Party is in good hands, even though Nigel Farage has just announced he is stepping down with immediate effect.

“Paul Nuttall is to become leader of The Brexit Party right now,” a Brexit Party insider told LCD Views, from the vantage point of their sewer, “he will easily combine running the newest force in British politics with being President of the United States, CEO of Tate & Lyle and Chief Editor at The Telegraph. He really can multi-task.”

But why has Nigel decided to stand down so quickly? He only just launched the party’s EU election campaign?

“He’s been offered a job working on a cross party initiative for both the government and Labour.”

He’s going to help solve Brexit?

“Don’t be stupid! There’s no solving Brexit! It’s supposed to be a country demolishing catastrophe, that’s how everyone involved gets rich! Including the multi-millionaire, career politician and inheritance millionaires running Labour. No. Nigel has bigger fish to fry.”

Which are?

“Well someone has to come up with a new policy to unite both the major UK political parties over once they deliver Brexit, which of course was the only reason for UKIP existing, and why Farage jettisoned it. Imagine that, nearly three years after allegedly using private polling to make a killing on the markets during the EU ref, and both the Cons and Labour are still trying to deliver on it. It makes you wonder, doesn’t it.”

Well, we all know the Tories can’t be trusted, but Labour have no choice but to go along with the lies, or they’ll lose their electorate. They can’t just spend day after day exposing the criminality and bullshit. That’s hardly the job of a party that wants government.

“Who wants government? No one wants government.”

This is all getting a little bit confusing.

“Once we’ve all finished destabilising the United Kingdom and eroding all trust in its political system, then we’ll want government. Nigel will be helping work on that and going by his speech the other day, we know he’s looking back in time for inspiration. Paul’s just taking over the Brexit Party because he’s a fucking muppet.”

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE SWITZERLAND DOES NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a Swiss court has ordered a referendum re-run, because of errors in the pre-ref build up, and the finding by the Swiss court that voters were not given the full facts prior to going to the ballot.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-47879777

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to quash the result of a people’s vote in 2016 and order it re-run. This has no application in Mighty Britannia because the non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle referendums,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Swiss that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Swiss. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Switzerland does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with a referendum, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that referenda and not referendums is used in any official document.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Swiss! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

The latest extension to the Article 50 notice, issued nine years ago by the then British prime minister Theresa “Maybot” May, and supported at the time by the leader of the opposition Jeremy “End FOM” Corbyn,  has been agreed with the leaders of the 34 expanded EU nations.

“Earlier today I wrote to all the leaders of the family of thirty four European nations asking for the UK’s annual extension to the article 50 process,” announced Nicola Sturgeon, joint leader of the GNU (Government of National Unity) alongside Caroline Lucas,

“I am pleased to say that the roll over process for leaving the European Union was agreed with no additional conditions, other than the cancelling of the planned probations for Boris Johnson and Michael Gove, the commitment to continuing to search for Lord Rees-mogg in the Ural Mountains, and the passing of the required legislation to allow the UK to participate in the EP elections on the 23rd May 2024.”

The announcement caused little fuss widely, being now part of the yearly traditions of the British isles, but to the surprise of many it did cause SETI to make an announcement of its own.

“The brief appearance of the imperial battle cruiser over the Tower of London in late 2020 has generally been agreed to have been connected with the disappearance of the sole inhabitant of the medieval prison, Nigel Farage, who was at the time being held prior to criminal proceedings for the alleged crime of treason. We all know the trial took place in his absence after he vanished mysteriously from the tower.”

So much so old news.

“But, SETI can confirm today the arrival on Earth of a small and very rusty droid, which appears to originally have been designed as a mini-bar and ashtray, but was modified to carry a videotape of the kind last used on Earth in the later stages of the 20th century.”

Ooo?

“Scientists at NASA have played the tape, after fetching a Betamax tape player from a museum, and can confirm it is a message from the Emperor Farage announcing his decision to run in the 2024 EP elections as leader of his latest party, The Death Star Party. Furthermore he has issued instructions for the design of the ballot papers. The DSP is to be represented on the ballot by a half moon death star and a properly shaped, traditional British banana. Thank you for your time.”

LCD Views can report the made up story that Westminster MPs are being put through almost constant fire safety drills this week as the temperature inside the Palace of Westminster rises.

“The risk of a gammon MP spontaneously combusting is now extreme to critical,” a House of Commons fire safety warden told us, “it’s problematic personally.”

Why is that?

“I have to wear a hi-viz vest whenever we have a drill,” the aide replied, “I keep getting rugby tackled by security staff who think I’m a bloody rent-a-gob, pay for view, pavement neo-nazi who somehow got inside the building! Why couldn’t they pick on a type of hat? Why take a vest used in so many fields in day to day work? Or just wear a pineapple slice on their head!”

Pineapple goes well with ham, especially on pizza.

“Lord almighty! Don’t bring Hawaiian pizza’s into it. That’s almost as divisive as Brexit.”

So how are the safety drills going?

“Poorly. The gammon MPs don’t listen to anyone but themselves. The bell rings and there’s no reaction. Francois, Bridgen, Jenkyns or another of the clueless porcine hand puppets just keeps grunting away in barely comprehensible assertions while rolling around in salt. We have to lure them out with truffles. And truffles aren’t cheap. On the plus side, the other MPs leap at the chance to get out of the chamber.”

But do you expect one of them to actually explode? Are the drills worth it? There’s a lot of important not deciding anything going on.

“Most of them are cooking slowly in their juices, it’s true,” the warden shrugged, “but sooner or later one of the men is going to explode and it’ll be chunks of gammon all over the walls and floor.”

Probably even the ceiling.

“If another Cooper/Letwin bill gets passed by one vote, like last night, I doubt there will be a ceiling afterwards. At least not on the level of pig ignorant rage you’ll get from the Brexiter MPs, who never bother to understand anything.”

Maybe just wrap them in a fire blanket first?

“Pigs in blankets? Now there’s a thought. Not only are they tasty, but that way you can contain any explosions.”

LCD Views can report today that the big prime ministerial eraser is being brought out of storage once again as the deadline for participating in EU elections looms.

“It tastes of fudge it does,” an aide to the PM told us, “the eraser, big bloody thing, can you give us a help lifting it. Don’t lick it. You get a taste of the fudge flavour and you’ll find yourself having another taste. It’s political cocaine. It’s very habit forming. Don’t try and line up the little fragments that come off when it’s used and use a rolled up twenty to snort them either. You do it once and you’ll never stop. DO NOT LICK THE RUBBER. OMG.”

Sorry.

But why is it ever tucked away in the first place? It gets used so often you think it’d be kept in a 10 Downing Street desk drawer.

“Beats me. I just work here,” the aide informed, “All I know is that we have to get out of the EU before they hold elections. The tyrannical superstate will force us to have a vote! So their elected parliament isn’t at risk of being illegally constituted. How undemocratic is that? People voting? Having a say in the future of the massive bloc of half a billion people? That will, through sheer force of gravity alone, determine our trajectory if we leave it? We can’t have that,

“The people of the UK have already spoken, years ago, when everything was different to now and they knew a lot less. But once is quite enough. In Global Britain the citizens do not vote. Let people keep voting and it could become habit forming.”

But we don’t have to take part in the EU elections even if we legislate by the 12th of April to do so. Apparently May can just cancel our participation up to 24 hours before. So she can both erase another of her red lines and still have a handful of fudge to throw to her party. Cynical. Duplicitous. But possible.

“Here, you said you were a reporter?”

I am. Fictional. But yes.

“Talking like that you sound like a Downing Street advisor.”

“The MP for Red Cloud and Fingerling is not just any parliamentary potato,” the legend underneath the planned statue of Mark Francois will read, “he’s a hard boiled, mashed, salted and buttered parliamentary potato. And furthermore, in a first for GM vegetables, he can talk!”

And not only that, he’s to be the first of many ERG statues planned for College Green, as the United Kingdom moves to celebrate the quality of MPs currently dominating the debate over Brexit.

“Potatriots one and all,” the parliamentary select committee dealing in monuments found, “and we aim to celebrate them with root vegetable, and cured meat, lifelike statues in the vicinity of Westminster.”

But controversy has already beset the celebration of modern British democratic virtues, as critics (aren’t there always critics!) have been quick to point out that the statue of Mr Francois will be too large.

“We are aware that the steering committee concerned rejected the first proposal of a Tom Thumb sized Francois, for exaggerating the MPs stature at 1.02m, when everyone knows that he’s the smallest man in the Commons, busily battling it out with Bridgen, Kawczynski, Cash, Deadwood and numerous others to get the little mantle,” a statue critic said, “but even at standard potato size the statue will give a disproportionate impression of the MPs’ contributions. We suggest baby new potato size, or maybe even just one of the little white and pink sprouty things that come off a potato left in a pantry for too long.”

Other issues have been raised with the colour of the statue, for being standard pale, when in fact the MP is bright red the majority of the time. As such, a variety of potato such as Red Cloud would be more suitable.

“At least everyone can agree that motion activated speakers, intended to broadcast (in shouts) the MPs’ famous speeches whenever anyone comes near, are a lovely addition. In this way future generations can get a real idea of how everything just went so completely wrong in Brexit Britain.”

There are plenty of red faces at the House of Commons this afternoon, and not just the usual angry gammony ones like Francois and Bridgen.

“Downing Street pulled a blinder on MPs,” our Westminster insider reveals, “early this morning they sent out an email to all MPs giving their total support to the indicative vote process.”

Yeah right!

“But not only that, they promised to listen to outcome of the indicative votes. And even went so far as to say they’d be guided by the most popular. Parliament has decided and the executive will be bound by parliament.”

Pull the other one! The representatives of the voters getting a say in the most important decision for decades? You’re having a laugh.

”It was plainly a ridiculous statement, coming from May’s office. But so many MPs are desperate to feel involved, having squandered ever other chance to be, that they feel for it hook, line and sinker. And others are just plain thick. As they display amply day in and out when spouting nonsense on BBC platforms and going unchallenged.”

That’s because a lot of the journalists seem more interested in the soap opera of indivuak political careers than the country’s future.

”Too right. But we’re not here to talk about Kuenssberg’s panto show this evening, but the April Fool’s prank.”

I saw the advert for the Laura me me me show and thought it was a BBC prank, actually.

”Let’s hope it is!”

So how are MPs taking the news they’ve been had?

”With a shrug. They’ve been played for fools day in and day out for a few years now, most of them are used to it.”