Category: Democracy

The two main political parties are neck-and-neck in the polls. Both are straining desperately for the lower hand as oblivion beckons.

Neither has realised that Brexit is like a millstone around their neck-and-neck. They struggle through each day, just to wake up where they started. The solution, obviously, is to insist that they, alone, can be trusted with Brexit. The wooden spoon is their ultimate prize.

It is as though Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to go on a day trip to Alton Towers. They both queued up to go on their favourite ride – Oblivion. Only this time, the rollercoaster won’t stop, but will crash, along with their traditional vote.

Traditional voter Mark Withercross gave his opinion. “I have always voted for one of the two main parties,” he said. “But I’m not saying which! It’s a secret between me and the ballot box. Anyway, these days there’s precious little difference between them, is there?”

Good point. So which way are you going to vote in the EU election?

“Don’t know, there’s too much choice, isn’t there?” said Withercross. “A vote for the Brexit Party is a vote for a lazy bugger to do sod all while we pay for them. Chuka and the ChUKs have more party names than policies. So it’s Green,or Lib Dem, or an independent. Bloody hell, there’s a sentence I never expected to say!”

Withercross is typical of many voters for whom their preferred party’s handling of Brexit has forced them to vote elsewhere. Not for them the adrenaline rush of a ride on a fearsome theme park attraction, or leaping off a cliff edge.

All we need now is for Barry Gardiner to claim that winning fewer seats than the Tories is a victory, because the winner is determined by golf rules.

The race for the bottom is well under way. The Tories and Labour are nearing terminal velocity as they tailspin to oblivion.

DOING ONE THING WHILE SAYING ANOTHER : Campaigners for another EU referendum were feeling buoyant today after prime minister Theresa May reaffirmed her opposition to one.

“You know if she keeps saying it won’t happen then it will,” said Mr Demos, who has been working tirelessly to get a confirmatory vote on the books, before any Brexit occurs, “if only she had repeated ad nauseam that ‘Go Home’ vans would be rolled out, then you know they would never have happened. It’s the things she doesn’t talk about that you need to watch, not the ones she does.”

The confirmation wasn’t direct, but nothing ever is with Theresa May, but came about after a spokesman insisted that she would not do it, not even to get Labour to put both feet into the flaming bag of shit called the WA with her, rather than just one as they currently have.

“She’ll do what she needs to to get her deal back to parliament for a fourth time,” Mr Demos was certain, “so it can be defeated for a fourth time. That will set it up for her to have a fifth go. Wait, how many votes has the public had on Brexit since May came back with her deal?”

The knack of stating definitely what will and will not happen on her watch, then doing the reverse, has become a standard feature of Ms May’s time in Downing Street.

“This is why the Tories are frothing at the mouth so hard over the leadership,” Mr Demos adds, “she keeps saying she’ll go soon, so you know that means she has bugger all intention of doing it. They’ll need to drag her out somehow or the EU will continue to be the largest trading bloc on Earth and we’ll never get the deal we need.”

You’ve had the local elections. The EU elections are coming up next week. Get ready for the confirmatory vote before or after the GE. The only risk to all that voting now is if May suddenly starts repeatedly daily that we will have the opportunity to vote.

GROUND ZERO : Theresa May has surprised an exasperated nation today by explaining the only method she can think of for getting her to leave 10 Downing Street voluntarily.

”It’s the only pointer I can provide,” she told a deserted press conference this afternoon, “thirty or forty megatonnes ought to do it. But be sure to detonate the blast right on top of the old place.”

But critics have been quick to query the sincerity of the message, as the prime minister is known to spend her time permanently inside the bunker beneath her office.

”It’s a trap,” Sir Bottox-Foxshot-Hound, MP for Less-badgers, told LCD Views, “she’s trying to get us to blow ourselves up so she can continue to govern unopposed.”

But the skepticism in her own party wasn’t matched on the opposition benches.

A source close to the Labour leader commented favourably on the possibility of at least a small scale nuclear explosion as means of dragging May from Downing Street.

”I have a few antique Soviet weapons lying about the pad. I wouldn’t mind lending one for the job. It’s got to be worth a shot. We don’t seem to be getting there saying jobs first Brexit and triangulation of the electorate.”

Still, it’s unlikely to be tried until after the Conservatives are erased at the ballot box in the upcoming EU elections.

”She’d bloody survive it,” a member of the governing 1922 committee feared, “everyone else but here and Nigel Farage would be ashes and atoms, but she’d still be there working hard to fulfil his only policy objective. Which come to think of it, is exactly what we’re doing right now.”

Wasting time is, the government has been warned, out of the question. Naturally enough, in true Brexit fashion, the Conservative Party is ignoring this advice. Instead of “getting on with it”, they are seriously considering a leadership challenge.

“We have loads of time!” explained leadership contender Doc O’Thebay. “A week is a long time in politics, and we have six whole months to sort Brexit. Theresa May has done a really bad job of doing a deal. With my long experience of making sweeping statements and fiddling expenses, I’m sure I could sort it all out in a couple of hours!”

The confidence of many Brexiters is not surprising. Their job for the last three years has been to make unspecified demands, and complain when nobody has a bloody clue what they really want. They have done this job magnificently.

“This is not wasting time,” said O’Thebay, speaking as one might to a six year old with learning difficulties. “A leadership challenge will bring fresh excitement to the process. We need a new leader, one with the gumption to knock European heads together, remind them who won the war, and force them to give us a great deal and call us ‘sir’. It’s that simple.”

A leadership challenge could take up months of indecision, canvassing, debating, voting. The Tory Party rules on this are almost as complex as a risk assessment involving small children, vicious wild animals and a cliff edge.

Contenders are many and varied. They include a man who can’t remember the nationality of his wife, a man who has no concept of the basic geography of Great Britain, and hard man Steve “I could crush a grape!” Baker.

This is a last throw of the dice. Brexit has all but fizzled out. The government has even conceded the need to hold EU elections, even if it can’t be arsed to actually contest them.

So here we are. Sittin’ on the dock of the bay, wasting time.

SAYING ONE THING AND DOING ANOTHER FILE: HMG has suddenly decided to take the axe to the magic money tree and chop off a limb for a good cause. We are curious as to why?

“Isn’t it obvious?” our political analyst asked during the imaginary editorial meeting this morning.

Yes. It seems to be. But spell it out.

“Well, they must be preparing for a GE,” the analyst explained, “they’ve sat back disinterested for a couple of years while tenants slept terrified through every night due to having potentially lethal material on the very walls outside of their bedrooms. But now? Now suddenly the public purse is to open and spill out £200m to pay for it.”

Well the property owners and leaseholders are just squabbling over the cost and not getting anything done, this is just responsible government.

“Don’t play devil’s advocate with me,” the analyst spat, “if they gave a flying fcuk they would have done that ages ago. Look at the timing.”

It’s just circumstantial.

“Exactly. The circumstances are that a GE is going to be called any day now and so they want to position themselves right on Grenfell after years of inaction. Caring Conservatives. Cynical buggers.”

It’s a very good issue to resolve.

“And it should have been ages ago. But you go on, write a headline playing into the inevitable spin.”

But a GE isn’t very likely. May said she wouldn’t be calling one and will stand down once Brexit is delivered.

Why are you laughing? Stop laughing. This is a serious meeting to decide the day’s articles.

“Now I’ve got tears in my eyes. May said…omg…has she ever stood by anything she’s ever said?”

FINGERS CRISS CROSSED : A woman who is secretly planning to vote for the Liberal Democrats or the Green Party in the upcoming EU elections has spoken to LCD Views, in the strictest confidence.

We have decided not to respect her confidence and are printing her words (as we have interpreted them at any rate) and a photo of an actor with her likeness.

”I’m so glad I can trust you,” she said, “I need to vent a little bit, but due to my position in the public eye I can’t talk openly. Actually, due to my inherent nature I can’t either. Was it nature or nurture or both?”

We can only wonder. The Go Home Vans suggest nurture, but we don’t know enough about your early life and the conditions to contextualise that.

”Maybe some people are just born without empathy?”

That’s a viable hypothesis.

So who are our planning to vote for in the EU elections? The Conservatives?

”You must be insane. Any vote for the Tories is a vote for Nigel Farage.”

Labour then?

”Ditto the above. Unless their position on FOM shifts. Why the hell the Labour Party is aligned with Farage and Tommy Robinson on that is anyone’s guess.”

Then who? Change U.K.?

”Are they still called that? I really can’t keep up. No, it’s either the Liberal Democrats or the Greens, as I’m voting in England.”

That will surprise some. Why?

”Because I cant see any other way to end the chaos of my government. And I really bloody want to shaft Bojo and the ERG. This seems the best way.”

If their vote share is huge it’ll mean backing another referendum with a Remain option.

”Regrettable, but then I get to stick it to Labour too, so let’s go all the way and stay.”

BOX TICKING EXERCISE : Leaky old Downing Street is in lockdown AGAIN after yet another leak revealed the draft ballot card for the inevitable 2nd EU referendum.

“This is a disaster bigger than Chris Grayling,” a Downing Street source exaggerated wildly, “we have to get the jump on Corbyn’s gang in backing another referendum. If they see this they might get the jump on us. Please don’t publish this story.”

The suspicion that May and her cabinet will back another referendum in the hope of settling Brexit has been growing within anyone really paying attention to how batshit insane and unsolvable Brexit is for some time.

”We’ll get there. It’s our only way out. It’s our only way to slam Labour, even though they don’t really need the help having decided to poison themselves with Brexit too,” the source fretted, “we need this confirmatory vote also, so we can properly blame the people for Brexit when they all start starving IF they’re nuts enough to fall twice for the same con.”

It’s not clear how Labour will react to the leak of the draft card, presumably badly, as they’ve agreed in private talks that if there is another vote the ballot card will offer a choice between “May’s Great Deal” and “Jobs First Brexit”.

”The timing is so important,” the source added, “May’s only really objective is to cling to power as long as possible while Philip keeps being a hedge fund manager. When she promises the next referendum it means she stays in power for months and months and months. That’ll just about crush Boris Johnson and the ERG.”

It must be stressed we are only printing what was leaked, we can’t validate this card as genuine. We actually expected both options on it to say ‘Brexit means Brexit’, so having a Remain option is a bit of a shock.

At any rate we know which box we’ll tick when the Downing Street tooth pulling stops and we get back into the ballot box.

CRYSTAL BALL(OT)! : Downing Street is determined to be on the front foot in interpreting the results of the upcoming EU elections, Thursday 23rd May, and has announced what the vote will mean/meant already.

”Every vote cast is a vote for Brexit,” a Downing Street spokesman, Mr B Ullshit, told reporters today, “regardless of which box is ticked, it’s a vote in favour of Brexit.”

It’s believed the thinking behind the announcement is to give people confidence their voice will be heard when they cast their vote.

”The British people have already decided, several years ago now, and nothing that has happened since can be allowed to unstuff that box. Not that there were any irregularities at all in June 2016. Whatever made you think that?”

In support of Downing Street, Bazza ‘the wonder’ Gardiner, mirrored the statements.

”We all knew immediately that the mass swing to the Liberal Democrat’s and Greens in last week’s local elections was a cry of despair at not having seen a Jobs First Brexit delivered. Similarly the few votes cast for UKIP were done so to urge them not to keep supporting another public vote. We can see by just looking at the numbers the British people want us to get on and finish Brexit. By this reasoning it’s clear right now what the result of the upcoming elections will mean. All votes for Labour are votes for Brexit. But more so, for a special customs union that will give us a veto over EU trade deals once we’ve left. We’re going to deliver on it.”

But while weighing in to support the government and the official opposition’s initiative, pro-EU campaigners have criticised Downing Street for not going far enough.

”Why don’t they just pre-mark the ballots for us? That way voting will simply be a ceremony of tuning up and having one’s name crossed off and then walking away.”

We suggest they don’t keep saying that or they’ll give the government and their allies on the opposition front bench ideas.

BOY IN A BUBBLE : LCD VIEWS has heard today the encouraging news that a fully grown man who can’t use a knife and fork (on health and safety grounds) wants to be the next Prime Minister of England.

“Clearly little Rabid won’t be prime minister of Scotland, Wales, NI or probably even Cornwall,” an occupational health specialist, claiming to work in the man’s household, told LCD Views, “he appeals only to English nationalists. And to be frank, geography isn’t his strong point. He’s only recently worked out Britain is an island, bless his little cotton socks.”

The revelation of the little go-getter’s desire to bag the top job in Blighty was revealed as a result of a bizarrely fawning special on him in The Times (it used to aspire to be a newspaper).

“We thought it best to hold the interview between Dominatrix and his wife in the family’s kitchen,” the occ health worker revealed, “so the interviewer could get a feel for what it’s like to live a life composed entirely of spoons. Safety first is our motto, except on the economy, civil liberties, immigration policy, manufacturing, services, the rise of far right politics, international reputation, trade, the environment, the NHS, wealth inequality and poverty or any other policy area where allegedly being easily manipulated by neoliberal American billionaires poses a risk.”

But why is the famous librarian (you may recall a photo famously shared on social media a while back) making his play to be PM now?

“Because David Davis told him too,” the assistant shrugged, “David and Rabble are like two peas in a pod. They both serve ideology over national interest, they both had the job of negotiating Brexit and they both quit when the going got too tough. Davis’ speciality is bailing out on projects. He’s coaching Ridiculous to carry on his work. Expect Raging Rabble to drop out of the race to be PM. Partially because there isn’t actually an official leadership contest going on and he will have exhausted himself by the time there is one.”

We wouldn’t be so sure. It’s not only the discovery of Dover that Raa-raa-rasputin-lover-of-the-Russian-queen has going for him. He also worked out that people using food banks just have cash flow problems. But if you want to get really cranky with the energetic little trier, Schona Jolly wrote it all down a while back:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jul/11/dominic-raab-ideologue-rights-eu-brexit

And lastly, what obstacles, apart from common sense, stand in the way of Raab’s rise?

“Common sense doesn’t stand in the way of Raab becoming PM,” Raab’s assistant said, “as the Tory party is plainly right out of that quality. I expect the biggest threat is Uri Geller. Raab is a spoon after all, as well as a Brexiter. He’ll find himself tied in knots by Geller before he gets to Number 10.”

HARD RIGHT FLOPS : An extensive survey of the local elections results from last Thursday has nailed down why the party of government, and also the official opposition, UKIP, saw its voteshare collapse.

“They’re not pro-Brexit enough,” Professor Paid Piper says, “traditional Brexit supporting voters in the shires and counties have seen through it.”

And voters have good reason to be furious with UKIP. In spite of being the party of government, and also the official opposition since 24th June 2016, they’ve failed to deliver on their promise to turn the U.K. into a total burning pit of despair.

”They’ve made strides at making the U.K. an international pariah,” Professor Paid Piper notes, “pretty much everyone internationally is now finding ways to shaft us, from small countries to the large ones. Delivering a so called WTO Brexit would be the coup de grace. But so far they haven’t done it.”

So voters turned to the Liberal Democrats and the Greens to punish the party of government and official opposition for not delivering Brexit yet?

”Yes. That’s what the results tell us. The Libdems and Greens boxed very clever in the lead up to the locals. Neither party mentioned Brexit at all. This left millions of furious voters free to decide what their Brexit policy was and vote for it. OUT and out now seemed to be the perception.”

Well at least with Nigel Farage standing as a limited company with secret offshore donors, and no actual policies, in the EU elections, Brexit backers will be able to vote for a party that traditionally promotes Brexit, as opposed to UKIP.

”We will have to wait and see. It’s going to be an almighty struggle between Fuhrage, Libdems and Greens to get that pro-Brexit protest vote so evident in last week’s locals.”

As Vince Cable and Caroline Lucas repeatedly say, a vote for either of their parties is a vote to just get on and Brexit.