Category: Democracy

SAY IT ISN’T SO : The UK’s most efficient supporter of the Prime Minister, Minister for Yoghurt Nadine Dorries, has announced bold new measures designed to ensure the perception of Mr Johnson as a useless, lying sack of shite is “upstreamed” back to “a modern day Churchill, but not like the dog from the TV, the other one who led the Light Brigade in the defence of Mercia”.

The new measures are specifically in response to the discovery that just entering “PM” into an internet search leads users to find page after page of news articles critical of the Prime Minister.

A spokesman for the Culture Minister told the press today that privatising the internet was the only way to ensure positive coverage of Mr Johnson returned, thus ensuring “a 1000 year reign of Mr Johnson and his innumerable descendants.”

“There is no reason other than bias for news sites being overloaded with critical articles of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman said. “His infidelities, his lying, his lawbreaking, his complete and total disloyalty to anything other than short term ventures that excite his dopamine centres, his threats to the Northern Irish peace process, his vacuity in policy terms, his concealment of reports over Russian interference in UK democratic process, his failure to be pro-active during the pandemic, his industrial scale deceit to all electorates, none of this accounts for the bias shown by so called impartial news outlets.”

Once the internet is privatised it will be owned solely by offshore billionaires with tax efficient arrangements who will fund social media lackeys and pretend journalists to flood the patriotic digital sphere with solely positive comment. The move has been described as “democratic” by Ms Dorries.

“There is only one thing standing in the way of the complete crushing of dissent and a pure, democratic electorate,” the spokesman added, “the internet. But first of all Nadine has to find it. But once she does she’ll privatise it. The only way to defend freedom of speech is to control what’s being said.”

THAT SINKING FEELING : THE UK’S PARTY OF GOVERNMENT, THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, are to go through the motions tonight of deciding whether or not to change leaders, even though it doesn’t actually matter.

“The ship is sinking regardless,” one Cabinet minister told LCD Views. “Only no one else would be stupid enough to put me in the cabinet, and I’m not yet ready to leave politics and remain in it as a full time corporate lobbyist. For this reason I am giving the Captain of our very own Titanic my full support.”

Who is actually behind the steering wheel as the ship of state capsizes and the passengers begin to fall screaming into the freezing waters will at least be entertaining, as befits the legacy of Boris Johnson. It doesn’t matter though because the Tories haven’t put the country through enough pain just yet to change direction.

“We appreciate that Labour is still backing Brexit as a concept,” the MP went on to explain. “It allows us to run out this particular grift a little bit longer. Fear of the electorate is not our concern. We thank the official opposition for doing their bit. It’s why they lose to us so often, no matter how many lives are lost as a direct or indirect result of a our ‘greed is good’ policies. They always back the biggest batshit idea we have and just quibble over the details. So whether Johnson holds fast to the wheel as the hull splits and spills living contents out into the cold hands of waiting death, or some other lunatic, right now it’s of no consequence. Never mind though, we’ll pivot back to the EU shortly and they’ll follow along behind. It’s gives us a chance to win the next general election.”

The ship is sinking and there’s no stopping it. It is of no consequence if Boris Johnson stays or goes on any particular day.

“It’s just he’s such a god awful turd most people can’t wait to see him finally flushed around the S bend of politics.”

OPERATION SAVE FLOATING LOG : The UK’s country beating Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is said to be “fully focused” and “zeroed in“ on what is (in his estimation) the most serious crisis facing the country.

While lesser mortals fret and hand wring over making a tank of petrol more attainable for the aspirational, the PM knows what voters are really focused on is the next twist in the soap opera that is their government.

“Will Big Dog survive to star in the next season?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views. We didn’t answer as they wouldn’t like the truth.

Keeping the public entertained is of course vital for the bread and circuses model of governance the UK now excels at. There’s no one more exhaustive to watch than old Boris.

“How many children will he father in the next season? Will Carrie be replaced by a younger model? You know the trouble and strife gets terribly boring once she’s had a litter. Time to move her out! Which donor will shell out for the next lot of gold wallpaper? The writers behind Boris know what’s vital to keep the fans happy.”

But to keep the fans happy the star of the show needs to continue to outperform the challengers.

“If Johnson can feign just enough false contrition over his serial lawbreaking and play act convincingly over the cost of living crisis Brexit is exacerbating he might just cling on. It’s vital that he does. Who else could distract daily from the dismantling of UK plc for the tax havens?”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : They say a key test of anyone’s psychological maturity is the ability to wait patiently for delayed gratification, and the UK’s most famous contemporary scribe, Sue Gray, seems determined to test the UK’s psychological maturity.

Although rumours suggest it is not a reluctance to enter the bestseller charts at No. 1 on the day of release of her magnum opus, but the sheer volume of source material that needs must be researched before she starts her first paragraph.

“That’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman scorched the rumours, “we’ve got her locked in a basement.”

The revelation that Sue Gray is being kept in a Downing Street basement has been met with skepticism however because it is widely reported in Westminster that the basement “is still kitted out like a torture garden for mass orgies, just like it was on the first day of the pandemic”. Which only points to the ability to forecast future needs by the Prime Minister.

Still, the need for the triple album special by the Sue Gray collective, working title “Partygates”, is only growing.

“It is true that the report will boost the UK’s gross domestic output by several percentage points,” the Downing Street spokesman said, returning to the podium, “but that’s no reason to release it. Poor people have plenty of mud to eat.”

While the waiting and speculation is certain to continue the most viable reason remaining for the delay in release of a statement of the blindingly obvious is that Sue Gray has been abducted by aliens. The only thing remaining now is for the right obscure Tory MP to be selected and shoved into the public glare to declare it.

THAT SINKING FEELING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to celebrate the dramatic local election results this week with an arts and crafts session.

The world beating PM has long been famous for his use of recycled materials in craft projects, with a plentiful supply of his favourite material to be found just laying about the house. Who can forget his ramped up interview when he claimed to make buses out of empty wine crates. A moment in which he displayed to all how he can both laugh at everyone, and govern.

“He’s going to revisit the bus,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going to paint little freezing pensioners on it. But once he’s warmed up he’s going to move onto sorting out the complete shambles the UK’s local councils have gotten themselves into.”

The shambles in particular appears to be the loss of hundreds of seats and dozens of councils.

“Winning local elections is clearly a remoaner plot to undermine Brexit,” the source adds. “But Mr Johnson has hundreds of empty wine crates stashed away from when he held dozens of parties to celebrate throwing a protective ring around care homes and the NHS in the pandemic. He’ll now put those crates to good use.”

The choice of inanimate objects is fitting too.

“Who could currently stand for election as a Conservative and claim to have consciousness, or even a conscience? Have you seen the state of the country after twelve years of Tory rule? You’d have to be blind. For that reason he won’t be painting little eyes on the new councillors. Just big, open mouths to swallow whatever bullshit Boris says next and then attempt to regurgitate it on the doorstep.”

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : The UK’s world beating war leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has announced he is launching an inquiry into why there are so many inquiries under his premiership.

It’s presumed the cause is a “remoaner plot” by “traitors who want to overturn the result of the potatriotic referendum”, but sources close to the Prime Minister state that he believes if he’s to continue to “flog the dead horse of that corrupted vote” for political gain it needs a ring of officialdumb.

The inquiry will be chaired by one of the many epitomes of honesty and integrity within the Conservative cabinet. Michael Gove is a likely chair, although there are many others desperately dragging their personal reputations into the gutter to enjoy the PM’s patronage, and so the field is broad.

Once the inquiry has established that it is “europhiles” behind the spate of sexual and financial scandals eviscerating Mr Johnson’s government it is believed the Home Secretary Priti Patel will be allowed to “purge” civil life of traitors. Anyone protesting her actions will be detained under the new anti-protest laws brought in last week under the cover of Tractorgate.

“Ms Patel is thought to be a key driver of the need for the inquiry into the inquiries,” the source told LCD Views. “She hopes to use anyone found guilty of undermining Brexit to form a kind of floating human chain in the English channel to keep out people who are trying to reach the UK in much the same way as her own parents once did.”

Expectations that Sue Gray will chair the inquiry have been dismissed as she’s “already undertaking her life’s work with Partygate and will be busy until the end of time”, by when it is hoped she will finally manage to catalogue all of Mr Johnson’s parties when everyone else was dying in the pandemic. Especially attention is being paid to what types of cheese and what vintages were present.

The inquiry has been given the nickname “The Mother of Parliaments” as that is thought to be most iconic and should “have the voters getting the bunting out the moment they hear it”.

MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS : THE UK’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS CALLED FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL TO BECOME SAINT WINSTON OF NORTH RUISLIP.

The call to canonise the famous British war leader is seen as “long overdue” by many in the Tory Party’s base who think it will really “wind up the snowflakes” while also “appeasing internal critics.”

While it’s thought the Church of Rome may not be too interested in the idea there is a parallel plan to create a new Church of Brexit and have Pope Mogg do the necessary paperwork.

Quite what miracles will be sighted isn’t yet clear, although “mythologising the memory” of Churchill is sited as sustaining Mr Johnson’s political career in a miraculous way.

“This is a Johnson idea,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the details aren’t important. If he’s still interested in it tomorrow we’ll have some intern smash out a powerpoint display with whatever bullet points they can think of.”

But critics of the move claim that it is only being suggested to distract everyone from the ongoing Partygate scandal which threatens Mr Johnson’s stellar career in a way serial lying, gross hypocrisy, lack of substance, catastrophic management of the pandemic, endless scandals involving IT tutors, economic incontinence so severe the entire economy is at risk, destruction of the UK’s trade base, lying to the Queen, serial cowardice, reduction of the UK’s international stock to junk status, racist immigration policies and attempts to destroy civil liberties has so far left untroubled.

“If it gets him out of Partygate it will be a miracle indeed,” the insider added. “The police holding off reporting if he’s getting anymore fines ahead of the locals is a minor miracle as it is. But by the time he’s finished racking up the fines only intervention from heaven will suffice. By then it will be clear as people died in their 10’s of 1,000’s isolated from their loved ones he was just getting hammered and asking donors to pay for his wallpaper. Which is personal in a way creating food insecurity across the country and threatening its very future could never be.”

PORKY PIES : THE UK’S Prime Minister is widely applauded for leading a successful war against truth. There is no barricade of fact, no bastion of reason, no citadel of common sense he will not charge head first against. This is how he got Brexit done while failing to get it done but convincing lots of voters he’d got it done.

But the Partygate scandal threatens to tarnish a reputation for evasion and deflection well deserved after decades misleading the public for personal gain. To suggest that the mere matter of getting hammered on multiple occasions in contravention of lockdown laws will be enough to stop this juggernaut of contempt is to underestimate the capacity for moral fibre of his supporters. To fail to stand in wonder at a group of MPs, and a public, who watch the soap opera of his political life and think, yeah, let’s have more of that. Maybe he can pull off lying to the Queen twice? Maybe he can take more IT lessons? What were fishermen again?

“So long as we think he can win us elections it doesn’t matter how low we allow our democracy to be dragged,” any number of self-serving Conservative MPs told LCD Views. “Who will help us feather our nest without Boris? Who will help us dwell solely in a mind palace of fantasy decorated with titles, peerages and palaces that convince the humdrum conman he is something else?”

Truth, respect, accountability, the public good, all of these things are nothing set against how big a splash one overgrown child can make in high office.

“He’s just got to get back to basics,” any number of spineless, rent a vote Tory MPs tells us. “He’s got to lie more convincingly or I’ll have to heed my electorate. It’s hard to spin this Partygate bollocks convincingly. Although happily the taste of sick is washed out by the benefits of being in office by his favour.”

You can do it Boris. Get Partygate Done! Comforting lies are what matters to the voters even as the evidence to the contrary grows in the cost of living crisis.

“The trick is to make their daily life so hard they don’t have time to properly think about us,” random Tory says. “But not so hard they’ll come for our grace and favour palaces.”

MIRROR IMAGES : BRITAIN’S MOST ECONOMICALLY ILLITERATE CHANCELLOR SINCE THE LAST TORY CHANCELLOR, RISHI SUNAK, is said to be feeling “safe” and “happily styling his hair again” this morning after reaching a mental “happy place” over the Partygate fines.

Speculation had been building for some time that both the Prime Minister and the born to rule power pack of neoliberal economic horseshit, aka Sunak, may have to resign their positions in disgrace if found guilty of breaking the lockdown law. Happily for both men they retain the support of Tory colleagues who “can no longer recognise anything approaching dignity” or their duty to uphold representative democracy.

It does not necessarily mean the Chancellor will stay on though after his plan to “squeeze the last ounce of aspiration and cash” out of the great unwashed has been made more tricky by his family’s tax affairs.

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” an unreliable and likely invented source inside No 11 Downing Street told LCD Views. “We are continuing in our power struggle with Mr Johnson and hope that leaking more information about lawbreaking inside No 10 won’t backfire next time. As soon as Johnson finishes playing at being a war leader we’ll go again. We’ve got the time and we’ve got the money.”

Quite what the British public is supposed to make of the gross hypocrisy at the highest levels of government isn’t a concern.

“People will be too busy collecting firewood from the commons to heat their dirty hands over in their frozen living rooms to worry about what their betters are up to.”

An added advantage of refusing to resign for both breaking the law and misleading parliament is that it’s another “notch of Johnson’s governmental bedhead”.

“He’s basically shagged democratic accountability senseless by lying to the Queen and getting away with. Also by taking the country out of the EU on the back of a pack of lies. So to have been found to have been criminally partying while most people did the right thing and stayed home really shows the British public is complete and absolute determination to screw them senseless. They keep voting for us. They must want it.”

RESIGNED TO HIS FATE: Boris Johnson is today’s Cnut. He stands proudly on the red, white and blue sands, holding up his hand in a futile gesture to command the tide. The waves are coming up the beach. They are round Boris Johnson’s ankles and rising swiftly. 

“Nothing to see here,” he assures us, lashing out defensively. “I am secure, feet on solid ground, the tide is turning, no no no! don’t look at the water!, cogito ergo sum, erm, vaccines!! Wiff waff! Have you met my new bezzy mate Zelensky yet?” 

We have absolute proof, as if it were needed, of Prime Ministerial fibbing. Both Johnson and Wishy Washy Rishi Sunak have been fined for attending illegal parties that, according to both, never happened. 

Obviously this is a resigning offence for both. But Johnson has his excuses ready, if nothing else. 

“If I was at these parties, which I wasn’t, as they didn’t happen, and were work meetings with booze, karaoke and disco, which I knew nothing about, even though I was there, IN A SUIT BECAUSE I WAS WORKING, and it’s all a complete fiction anyway, what do the police know, they’re only experts after all, then obviously I would have to resign, but I won’t, because I wasn’t even there, and it’s all the fault of the last Labour government, and it’s not fair!” he waffled. 

He recovered himself slightly, shifting unsteadily as the waters approached his waist. 

“I’m sorry if anyone feels that I’ve done anything wrong,” he continued. “I’ve said what has to be said, there will be no resignations, well Rishi will have to go, of course, but for myself, I’m only resigning in a specific and limited way. By which I mean, it’s time to move on, I’m still Prime Minister, and nobody can stop me!” 

The rest of his speech was lost as he disappeared below the briny waters.