Category: Democracy

WOULDA SHOULDA COULDA: A senior Tory MP has claimed that the requirement to show ID before voting suppressed the Conservative vote. He claims that it is ‘underhand gerrymandering of the lowest order’.

“The need to produce ID in order to vote is one of the worst offences against democracy that the last Labour government ever committed,” declared Sir Willie Showacard, MP for Remayners Brecksytte. “I had to resort to bribing the officials before voting this morning. That hasn’t been necessary since the bad old days of the 1970s!”

Sir Willie’s secretary admitted that he had claimed the bribe on expenses, although he had not actually bothered to vote after all.

Further enquiries disclosed Sir Willie’s directorship of YouBribe,com, which claimed to provide ‘Electoral Services’. He was also on record as having received over £50,000 in donations from a company which manufactured ID cards. Unfortunately, it appeared that he, himself, hadn’t acquired one.

Despite all this, Sir Willie was deeply upset about things. “This Woke nonsense must stop!” he grumbled. “The Wokerati would have us carry ID cards to allow us to breathe God’s own air! Where has trust gone? In my day you could trust a gentleman like myself! What’s the world coming to? Britain didn’t become great by pandering to pronouns! We didn’t gain the greatest Empire in the world by making sure people have enough money to live on! This Lefty nonsense must stop! Now! Before it’s too late, and England sinks into obscurity!”

Sir Willie continued by justifying his point of view. “Our natural voters have been prevented from voting!” he shouted. “The old and infirm, the deceased that stayed on the electoral roll! All Conservative votes that have been lost, because their namby pamby bleeding heart so-called carers won’t get them an identity card! This! Is! A! Dis! Grace!”

Sir Willie was wheeled away to attend his Anger Management course.

A STITCH IN TIME : THE UK’S GREATEST CURRENT TORY PRIME MINISTER has been banned by authorities from her planned redecoration of 10 Downing Street.

The unusual move by the Property and FUBAR Facilities Department at Westminster was made after Ms Truss and her Chancellor decided to redecorate the UK economy on Friday.

“Have you seen what they’ve done with the UK’s flooring? The colour of the walls? The flipping curtains?” a source inside PFFD told LCD Views. “I mean the Johnsons would have done us all a favour by just vomiting all over Downing Street in one of their frat house parties during lockdown and calling it a postmodern paint job, instead of that celebrity makeover artist. Truss is worse. Much worse. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. Never. Ever.”

The major concern appears to be what Truss/Kwarteng have done with the colour range of the pound.

“It’s all red, red, red. It’s really garish. I can barely look at it. And don’t get me started on what they’ve done with the gilts in the WC’s! FFS. It’s like they gave a starving pig a paint brush and a pot of actual human blood and expected it to write Shakespeare on a Picasso canvas. I can barely make head or tails of what is happening. I think apart from just banning the Truss’s from redecorating we should go a lot further. Take a leaf out of Ripley’s book in Aliens.”

How so?

“Take off into space and nuke it all from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. But wait until they’re all gathered at the Tory Party conference first. Leak those plans and see what happens to the pound!”

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND IT…: Many people seem to be of the dazzling belief that the UK is solely governed by inadequates who are opposed by people who seem to believe, since 2010, that agreeing with the most batshit idea the Tories have is the way to oppose. Austerity. Brexit. Constructive during world beating death toll pandemic. Silent on industrial action. Well. The list of mistakes is long on both sides. But to believe this means the political class are not up to the job, as a collective, is to make a serious mistake. A mistake which fails to see the genius at the heart of the Conservative operation.

Even now as the UK gears up for a long and unhappy winter of fuel bills worthy of mortgages and withering trade with a tyrannical, rules based Europe, the Tories are planning to blind you to the new reality the aged, Thatcher porn watching membership is planning to force upon us. A Liz Truss premiership.

What will the UK voters think, all of them, not just the small cabal who elect our PM’s, if they can Liz Truss in action with real power? Or even Rishi “Born to Rule” Sunak? Once the U-turns and about faces and failures begin in earnest, the day they take office, it’s going to be difficult to hold onto office! Old Bojo has pretty much holed the Titanic below the waterline already, and he did it without an iceberg, or the Atlantic (well, maybe some help from across the Atlantic; all those dodgy “think tanks”).

But you won’t see the grisly reality unfold if you can’t see in the dark. And you won’t be able to see in the dark in a blackout because the candles will be in short supply most likely, due to nothing functioning anymore after 12 years of Tory adherence to failed ideology.

“This is why we’re foreshadowing winter blackouts now,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views. “If the UK is in the dark then who will see the Liz Truss premiership?”

Genius.

MEME MERDE SEAU DIFFERENT : BORIS JOHNSON maybe MIA during the closes stages of what has been a rollercoaster premiership from walk-in fridge to lavish donor parties, but the UK’s next PM Liz Truss is everywhere at present.

Happily for the beleaguered UK Ms Truss is having none of it as she attempts to woo a tiny percentage of the country with a hot legged Thatcher improv, and ride their votes like a cowgirl all the way into 10 Downing Street.

While many expect the first thing on her agenda will be torching the Johnson’s ghastly new money idea of taste off the hallowed walls of the old townhouse, we maybe pleasantly surprised over what is keeping her up at night.

“Sabotaging Sunak is clearly my only goal at the moment,” Ms Truss told a small group of drooling old men at a local golf course in Norfolk, “but I’ve also half an eye on the cost of living crisis.”

This will be reassuring news for the shadowy funders of the Tory Party, as the main aim of British governance since 2010 is ensuring that the innumerable anonymous bank accounts in British overseas territories are stuffed to bursting with redirected taxpayer cash.

“To navigate the cost of living crisis and protect the UK’s vibrant money laundering and tax evasion sectors will be a key challenge of the next government,” a close observer observes. “Can Ms Truss convince the public that it’s nurses who are to blame for inflation while also enabling Tory donors to enrich themselves during the Monkey Pox pandemic? We have to cross our fingers and hope.”

Crossing fingers isn’t enough for the blonde maniac and Ms Truss has proven that with her latest policy announcement.

“It’s obvious,” she told her audience, before pausing and staring fixedly at a point in the distance no one else could identify, for a full five minutes without blinking. “I’ll call in the army to fight inflation,” she eventually added before blowdrying her hair live on stage into a Thatcheresque bouffant that saw local viagra sales limp that night.

With Ms Truss what you see is what you get, until she decides you want to get something else.

THE LAW IS AN ASS: The Attorney General has taken a pot shot at legal eagles who dare to uphold the law. Braying barristers and mulish solicitors should not be telling the world’s greatest government that it is acting illegally, she has decided. 

This is hardly controversial, because ministers are big and important people, and the law only applies to the little people. Besides, what’s the point in being in government if you can’t just do whatever you like? 

Suella Braverman was not available for comment in person. This is principally because she is incapable of completing a coherent sentence without blaming the rest of the world for all her problems. 

Instead, Connor Lottermen, spokes-goblin for the Attorney General’s office, was wheeled out to justify the unjustifiable. 

“You can’t break the law if you’re making the law,” said Lottermen smugly. “By definition, it’s impossible for a government to break the law. That’s why the AG is right to stop nosy woke lefty lawyers poking their noses in where they aren’t wanted.” 

So what are government lawyers supposed to do? 

“They should get on with lawyering, or whatever the hell it is they do, and not get involved with legal matters,” said Lottermen. “First it was jumped up footballers, now lawyers are getting above their station. Why can’t everyone just get on with their jobs, and stop interfering with the vital business of our elite politicians to carve up the country between themselves?” 

What is there to prevent a government from acting illegally? 

“I’ve already answered that, it’s impossible for a government to act illegally,” said Lottermen. “In fact, one of the first priorities for Lishi Trunak when he/she/it takes power and abolishes pronouns, is to introduce a Bill of Government Immunity to put a stop to objections once and for all.” 

The law is an ass, and we are led by donkeys. 

IT’S A MIRACLE : The UK is set to see off inflation and the cost of living crisis with a world beating speed now that it is expecting a new Tory PM.

The Institute for Idiots, a ramped up think tank funded by kleptocratic cash, has revealed the dramatic change in national fortunes after funding a few headlines aligned with the funders’ ideological aims.

“People will be so grateful to realise that it’s not the underlying economic idiocy and inherent cultural vandalism of Tory thinking that is the problem, but the past leaders. They were basically commies. Cameron. May. Johnson. Marxists. Too woke by half. But the next leader will be completely different and all the failure will vanish. Ambulances will appear as if by the grace of God. GPs grow out of street corners. Farmers spring from the hills and valleys like sprites and the fishing industry resurgent overnight. And let’s not talk about the EU, they’ll be eating out of our hands.”

The reason for this is obvious, it’s just because they intend to pretend that’s true. And that will be good enough to work the old Tory magic.

And that’s not all. The Tory membership choosing the UK’s third consecutive PM, without consideration of the views and wishes of everyone else, will also showcase the robust nature of British parliamentary democracy. The UK is back and taxes are just a memory of a time lost and sensibly shrouded.

“Remember the policies aren’t the problem. and Brexit is definitely something that can be transformed from the elephant in the room into a magic wand. It may seem now that the elephant has explosive diarreah and we’re all swimming in it, while saying the water is lovely, but that is not the issue. Johnson not knowing how many kids he has was the only flaw in neoliberal policies.”

But that’s soon to be solved by the party of government as it sheds its skin and re-emerges again without the need to consult the public.

HOW CAN YOU LEAVE AND STAY AT THE SAME TIME : BRITAIN’S most popular Prime Minister since the last one, Boris Johnson, has revealed a steely determination to “get on with the job” of ignoring the will of his own party and in all likelihood large swathes of the electorate.

In spite of resigning as Prime Minister yesterday the PM shows no signs of leaving office and many are beginning to suspect he has no plans to do so. He got through the day, and that was all that matters. A close listen to the hodgepodge of random lies and self-justification he regurgitated by way of his “resignation” speech suggests he’s not done yet. At least not in his own mind, that cavernous room of self-aggrandisement and nonsense.

“He’s a past master at the great con,” a close confidant told LCD Views, “just ask any of his numerous wives, mistresses and employers. You can’t trust a damn thing he says. This is why he’s so exciting to be around and people just can’t get enough of his hi-jinks.”

It does seem that saying one thing and doing another is almost the PM’s reason to get up in the morning.

“It makes him feel superior over lesser mortals, bound as they are by ridiculous social conventions like honesty and integrity.”

And to prove that he’s pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes again he has announced this morning that he’s “Got cabinet done”.

“He’s built a new cabinet out of empty wine crates overnight,” the source adds. “He’s used the mouldiest and flimsiest crates he could find amongst the wheelie bins behind Number 10. When he’s done showing it off he’ll set fire to it.”

Meanwhile you are encouraged to believe he will do as he said he would and start making the most of the tangible benefits of Brexit. Chief of which has been the demolition of our national politics. Get Bojo Done, the Tories would be advised to get a hurry on, and not just in Party’s interests…

SAY IT ISN’T SO : The UK’s most efficient supporter of the Prime Minister, Minister for Yoghurt Nadine Dorries, has announced bold new measures designed to ensure the perception of Mr Johnson as a useless, lying sack of shite is “upstreamed” back to “a modern day Churchill, but not like the dog from the TV, the other one who led the Light Brigade in the defence of Mercia”.

The new measures are specifically in response to the discovery that just entering “PM” into an internet search leads users to find page after page of news articles critical of the Prime Minister.

A spokesman for the Culture Minister told the press today that privatising the internet was the only way to ensure positive coverage of Mr Johnson returned, thus ensuring “a 1000 year reign of Mr Johnson and his innumerable descendants.”

“There is no reason other than bias for news sites being overloaded with critical articles of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman said. “His infidelities, his lying, his lawbreaking, his complete and total disloyalty to anything other than short term ventures that excite his dopamine centres, his threats to the Northern Irish peace process, his vacuity in policy terms, his concealment of reports over Russian interference in UK democratic process, his failure to be pro-active during the pandemic, his industrial scale deceit to all electorates, none of this accounts for the bias shown by so called impartial news outlets.”

Once the internet is privatised it will be owned solely by offshore billionaires with tax efficient arrangements who will fund social media lackeys and pretend journalists to flood the patriotic digital sphere with solely positive comment. The move has been described as “democratic” by Ms Dorries.

“There is only one thing standing in the way of the complete crushing of dissent and a pure, democratic electorate,” the spokesman added, “the internet. But first of all Nadine has to find it. But once she does she’ll privatise it. The only way to defend freedom of speech is to control what’s being said.”

THAT SINKING FEELING : THE UK’S PARTY OF GOVERNMENT, THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, are to go through the motions tonight of deciding whether or not to change leaders, even though it doesn’t actually matter.

“The ship is sinking regardless,” one Cabinet minister told LCD Views. “Only no one else would be stupid enough to put me in the cabinet, and I’m not yet ready to leave politics and remain in it as a full time corporate lobbyist. For this reason I am giving the Captain of our very own Titanic my full support.”

Who is actually behind the steering wheel as the ship of state capsizes and the passengers begin to fall screaming into the freezing waters will at least be entertaining, as befits the legacy of Boris Johnson. It doesn’t matter though because the Tories haven’t put the country through enough pain just yet to change direction.

“We appreciate that Labour is still backing Brexit as a concept,” the MP went on to explain. “It allows us to run out this particular grift a little bit longer. Fear of the electorate is not our concern. We thank the official opposition for doing their bit. It’s why they lose to us so often, no matter how many lives are lost as a direct or indirect result of a our ‘greed is good’ policies. They always back the biggest batshit idea we have and just quibble over the details. So whether Johnson holds fast to the wheel as the hull splits and spills living contents out into the cold hands of waiting death, or some other lunatic, right now it’s of no consequence. Never mind though, we’ll pivot back to the EU shortly and they’ll follow along behind. It’s gives us a chance to win the next general election.”

The ship is sinking and there’s no stopping it. It is of no consequence if Boris Johnson stays or goes on any particular day.

“It’s just he’s such a god awful turd most people can’t wait to see him finally flushed around the S bend of politics.”

OPERATION SAVE FLOATING LOG : The UK’s country beating Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is said to be “fully focused” and “zeroed in“ on what is (in his estimation) the most serious crisis facing the country.

While lesser mortals fret and hand wring over making a tank of petrol more attainable for the aspirational, the PM knows what voters are really focused on is the next twist in the soap opera that is their government.

“Will Big Dog survive to star in the next season?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views. We didn’t answer as they wouldn’t like the truth.

Keeping the public entertained is of course vital for the bread and circuses model of governance the UK now excels at. There’s no one more exhaustive to watch than old Boris.

“How many children will he father in the next season? Will Carrie be replaced by a younger model? You know the trouble and strife gets terribly boring once she’s had a litter. Time to move her out! Which donor will shell out for the next lot of gold wallpaper? The writers behind Boris know what’s vital to keep the fans happy.”

But to keep the fans happy the star of the show needs to continue to outperform the challengers.

“If Johnson can feign just enough false contrition over his serial lawbreaking and play act convincingly over the cost of living crisis Brexit is exacerbating he might just cling on. It’s vital that he does. Who else could distract daily from the dismantling of UK plc for the tax havens?”