Category: Democracy

TIN AND POT : Boris Johnson announced to the country today that as part of ongoing government preparations for crashing out with No Deal Brexit he will begin wearing military uniforms whenever talking to voters, or addressing parliament.

”He hasn’t decided on what rank to give himself,” Mr Cavalier, policy aide to 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once he settles on what kind of general he is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But he has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. He’s really just following the instructions of the people.”

I guess he’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. He’’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. He’s won the war on immigrants, with his senior aide Priti Patel. He triumphed over the poor, with the help of a bus driver’s son. He’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General Johnson’s wisdom.”

The people had a vote, once, they don’t need another. Long live the general.

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Doris Willies’ indentured servant MPs, and paid propagandists, have struck back firmly today after MPs not subject to Tory Party blackmail actually sat down and talked with each other.

“You can’t sit and talk and find common ground, and worse, work together,” Tory Tory MP blasted his parliamentary colleagues, “it’s undemocratic! Democracy is doing what you’ve been blackmailed into doing by someone who has a folder of compromising photos of you. Or just as bad, your internet search history. Or perhaps a list of your fishier donors. Or maybe something as simple as a way for a daft, overly inbred child to have a respectable career if you vote right. It’s certainly not sitting down and talking with each other across party lines!”

And the Willie government is right to be outraged. If MPs get used to talking with one another and deciding their common ground is country before party, it could lead to a general deterioration of modern British politics.

“Just imagine if enough MPs decide the future of the United Kingston is more important than five minutes mismanaging an important ministry, well, what will happen to Brexit? Billions have been spent to procure Brexit. Crimes have been committed and allegedly swept under the carpet. An entire nation has been divided, families sundered, millions of people psychologically terrorised. It can’t all be for nothing. Brexit backers expect a pay off. No more talking! It’s undemocratic!”

LCD Views find ourselves in the surprising situation of being in disagreement with the government.

We applaud MPs, and their party leaders, sitting down to find common cause. Making it openly known that’s what they’re doing. Deciding on a way forward that they publicise. It seems exceptionally democratic.

“There’s not much point in us attempting to silence parliament, if you’re just going to talk and work together anyway,” Tory Tory MP spluttered, “Take back control means take over parliament and silence it. That’s Brexit democracy. It’s been bought and paid for. It needs to be delivered or bloody hell, what will my wife say when the tabloids get hold of it?!”

DONALD TUSK TO USE BORIS JOHNSON AS A FOOTSTOOL : The anti-democratic toadstool currently pretending to a popular UK caretaker PM, Boris de Phaffle Johnson, is to meet with the UK’s preferred prime minister, Donald Tusk, today.

“The meeting is designed to waste time,” a caretaker PM aide told LCD Views, “you know, appear to be doing something, while in reality the caretaker is just trying to look busy while he runs down the clock until Halloween.”

It’s not clear what talking points Mr Johnson will take into the meeting, largely because they’ll just be superfluous.

“Mr Tusk already has Mr Johnson’s measure,” the aide shrugged, “it’s thought he’ll spend the majority of the meeting smiling in that knowingly amused way he has. Mr Johnson will try out some new stand up material in the hope of disarming Mr Tusk. Then he’ll move into ‘old chum’ mode and ask for Donald’s help to end parliamentary democracy in the UK for the enrichment of an international clique of sociopaths using Mr Johnson for their own ends.”

It’s thought though that both parties will avoid the subject of relative popularity in the UK. Latest opinion polling by NoGov has demonstrated an overwhelming desire in a large percentage of the electorate for Mr Tusk to takeover and govern. To head up the much touted government of national unity.

“We just hope Mr Tusk isn’t going to try and get one up on President Macron,” the aide worried, “he successfully tricked the big blonde boofhead to put his shoe on the Elysee furniture while flashing his bollocks. With dozens of digital cameras catching every heartbeat. Talk about outplayed.”

Mr Johnson’s team are right to be worried of course. Mr Tusk is more than capable of tricking Mr Johnson to get down on all fours by suggesting there’s a hot bit of posh blonde tail waiting under his chair.

“Then he’ll use Mr Johnson has a footstool,” the aide predicted, “which will be a too realistic example of what Johnson’s time as caretaker government will turn the UK into for the world’s big players if Mr Johnson isn’t replaced by an actual, proper prime minister soon.”

The rogue Prime Minister, who is very pro-rogue, has decided to go rogue and prorogue himself. He will go to the Queen and request that he is suspended.

Dangling this carrot in front of the hungry press, Johnson didn’t sugar the pill. “It’s a completely necessary action, I say, oh my goodness, what a palaver,” he wibbled, off the cuff. “The killjoys won’t let me prorogue Parliament, so it comes down to this. Suspend me! String me up! Do or die, or perish in the attempt!

Constitutional experts, and indeed everybody else, agree that this course of action makes no sense. Nobody knows even if prorogueing a person is possible, or advisable. This doesn’t bother Johnson, naturally enough.

“I have to show our so-called friends in the EU that I’m completely serious,” he wiffwaffed, adjusting his Ronald McDonald hat. “Merkel gave me 30 days to solve Ireland, I won’t tell you what Macron said but it wasn’t nice. They are laughing at me, friends. They are actually laughing at me! Serious times need serious measures. I’m not hanging around!”

There is a glimmer of an explanation. Political commentator Deepa Meening gave LCD Views her theory. “This is a strange solution to an even stranger problem,” she summarised. “”The government consists of a team of corporate vultures, with Boris Johnson as its hapless figurehead. The cabinet is a collection of spineless idealogues like Dominic Raab and Priti Patel, all under the same cosh. Anybody else doesn’t count and is rudely ignored. So Johnson IS Parliament, he is the sole representative of the shady conmen, who are all that remain of The People. He has served his purpose, now they want rid of him, so their unprincipled mates like Crispin Odey can cash in on the chaos.”

The coup is very nearly complete. Which will die first – democracy, Parliament or the population of Britain? Exciting times lie ahead…

TICK TOCK : Amazing news from Westminster today with the announcement that former EU council president, Donald Tusk, has been chosen by MPs across party lines to lead a government of national unity.

“Just to ensure no more time is wasted,” a somber looking Mr Tusk said, speaking at the lectern outside 10 Downing Street, Larry the cat by his side.

“Miaow,” Larry added, lending credence to speculation he is fully supportive of a collaborative approach.

The move has surprised many on the official opposition front bench. Most MPs are said to have been surprised at the announcement.

“For three years we’ve done our utmost to be irrelevant in the hope the hard right would break all the eggs and we’d then get to swan in over the wreckage, having done bugger all to oppose the Tories but call for the immediate trigger of Article 50 on the 24/6/16, and then vote to trigger it with no plan, together with the Tories. It’s funny how few of our supporters consider the failed attempt in 2011 to get an IN/OUT EU ref, when current Labour leadership worked with prominent Tory Brexiters to attempt to get the ref then. Amnesia is such a thing nowadays.”

No revelation there.

“Multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, is said to be pleased with the choice though,” our GNU correspondent (a recent hire) reports, “as he had planned a camping holiday for October. Now he and his mate Seumas can triangulate from the shadows and continue to pretend, that in-spite of whipping against measures only months ago to stop No Deal, it’s what he really wants to do.”

The qualified wording in his recent letter to MPs, requesting he runs the government, with its trademark fudge and get out clauses, also suggest he is relieved that someone else will have to deal with the responsibility.

But not everyone is pleased.

The ERG are said to be planning a mass sacrifice of “ungardened baby family animals” in the hope their dark lord in Hell overturns the decision and installs a complete and total, soulless bastard as leader instead. A move they would see as continuity.

We here at LCD Views think opposition parties should work together and be less concerned about who leads the government, but just get the Tory charlatans out of office and organise the future of the country like grown-ups, and with a renewed adherence to rule of law.

Anyone who thinks all this GNU stuff isn’t just posturing ahead of Boris Johnson calling for a GE hasn’t considered his individual psychology and how likely he is to attempt to govern with a majority of SFA. Also how likely he is to soon lose a few more MPs, once enough of them get up the courage to effectively sack their own government. And they need time to gird their loins, as many are receiving death threats. Jo Cox may have been forgotten by Boris Johnson, as evidenced by his incite-full speeches, but not all MPs.

“I’m only here until 10 Downing Street is completely disinfected,” Mr Tusk added, before going inside to begin work, leading to speculation he intends to govern for life.

TREASURE ISLANDS : A new initiative is to launch today in an attempt to stop filthy rich people dodging so much tax.

https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/hmrc-tax-gap-avoidance-billions-pounds-a8968591.html

The scheme has been developed by tax justice campaigners, PayYourFfingTaxSoSocietyDoesntCollapse, concerned about the haemorrhaging of taxation into small islands, or tax havens.

“It’s not just Harrod’s hampers that we are printing the warnings on,” Mrs Demo Craci told LCD Views, “Fortnum & Mason ones too. Also the steering wheels of Ferrari’s.”

The message is simple. It advises any rich people thinking of using expensive lawyers and creative accountants to avoid paying their fair share of tax to just effing pay it before society collapses.

“There’s stories of what happens when someone does pay tax, in the hope of encouraging others to follow. Roads get built. Hospitals get built. Schools get built. Local services get funded. There’s sufficient police to keep the streets safe. Amazingly even, there’s funding for youth services too to stop young, vulnerable people drifting into a life of violence, crime and early mortality. And best of all, the filthy rich people get to stay filthy rich.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out to one of the possible drawbacks of paying tax.

“The government may decide to properly resource HMRC so it stops cutting deals and letting filthy rich people off paying their full share, in the desperate hope of getting anything out of them at all. That’s a measure of blowback we can’t countenance. Instead we’re going to focus our efforts on putting a portion of that dodged tax into promoting hard right, toxic nationalism to distract the plebs. Oh, and by shoving money into the pockets of susceptible MPs to ensure opaquely funded ‘think tanks’ formulate the majority of government policy.”

It’s hoped the counter to the Harrod’s scheme, if successful, will see a government that is a facade only and a return to a feudal based society in which birthright, and inherited wealth, determines one’s path in life much more successfully than innate ability and a capacity for hard work.

Judging by the success of Brexit and Trump, the counter scheme is working out very nicely, so far.

TRIED IN ABSENTIA : A British man has been ordered to collect an entire country he threw off a white cliff.

The man, described as being “with his trotters up” did not attend the hearing, although as he was tried across social media, he can’t help but have heard it.

”He’s holed up in a garden shed that cost the average annual income. He’s very proud of the shed. Although given the damage he caused to the country when he threw it over the cliff, he should be troubled by regret,” our legal correspondent believes, “at least that’s what I personally believe [see].”

The crime itself has been described in the court of public opinion as a “democratic outrage” and a result “of the lazy idiot’s blithe inattention to the details of the offence [in its planning].”

And making matters worse is the difficulty authorities are having rectifying the matter and repairing the damage.

”Too many have a vested interest in the country being smashed apart at the foot of the cliff. It’s making it hard to tidy up after the fact.”

But in passing sentence the judge presiding over the matter noted how the impact of the crime, which occurred in 2016, was actually a broader conspiracy.

A quick look at parliamentary records shows a select group of MPs encouraging the actual event for many years. And those same MPs are now running the country and the official opposition party.

That aside, the man has been ordered to retrieve the country from the base of the cliff and repair it.

”He won’t though,” the jury in the court of public opinion suspects, “because he’s too irresponsible to attempt to make amends. In fact, after the judgement he went on record to say he has no regrets.”

A very nice state of mind, after the fact, but only if you can afford it.

PLAYTIME IS OVER : The last Tory prime minister of Little Britain, Boris Johnson, has indicated today that he is to restore faith in British democracy by being booted out of office by a government of national unity.

”It’s impressively considerate, for Noris Johnson,” Mrs Makit Appen, MP United-on-Kingston told LCD Views, “daily he lets that lunatic Cummings be his government’s mouthpiece. Daily pushing more MPs to the edge of sanity. Daily more quietly cross over the edge and into it. Quietly more indicate privately they’ll be prepared to join it. Quite the master stroke. The plan to avoid parliamentary scrutiny by ending the Tory leadership contest just before school holidays was another masterstroke.”

And preparation for a government of national unity is well underway.

”Labour leadership are being very helpful in this too,” Mrs Appen observes, “by refusing to countenance it, and continuing to demand a GE to get the Tories out, but refusing to make the one guaranteed play that would do it, with a GE to follow, quietly, more and more of their MPs are giving up on them and thinking a GNU would be okay. That’s impressively collaborative in a cross party sense. The smaller parties are all benefiting from a perception of being prepared to work together for the common good. Country above party. Now that’s some good PR right there. Clever. Long term political strategy. Wins you votes.”

But the real push for a GNU is about to start.

”It kicks off shortly when Boris Johnson’s government starts pumping out the result of giving a crazed propagandist hundreds of millions of public money to burn through creating bollocks to plaster the country with via social media, TV, press and billboards. That’s going to infuriate everyone. Another work of genius.”

Change is coming. It better bloody well hurry up.

YOU HAVE ONE JOB : Queen Elizabeth II is being advised to be ready to tell shit Churchill parody act, Boris Johnson, that “leave means leave” sometime in September.

The preparations are a result of the looming constitutional crisis set to involve the Queen.

“It will involve the Queen because Brexiters are that stupid,” one of our dozens of political experts confirmed, “like that eyewateringly stupid that they will drag the aged monarch into it. Because that’s Brexit. There is no boundary that can’t be crossed.”

The dragging is set to occur when Mr Johnson loses a vote of no confidence and an alternative government is formed by a majority of MPs.

“The plan to deal with that is apparently just to ignore it,” our expert shrugs, “Boris is in Downing Street and there’s nothing you can do about it. We really are seeing what take back control of our sovereign parliament means now.”

Quite what the Queen thinks of all this is of course anyone’s guess, as one is famously private.

“She’s choosing wallpaper patterns for a room in the Tower of London,” a palace insider insists, “something mid 17th century seems to be the go. That was the last time a tyrant defied parliament. And we all know how well that went.”

The prospect of a constitutional monarch having to get involved does bring up an interesting historical quirk.

“The descendent of absolute, tyrannical monarchy is now there as the last bulwark against a tyrannical prime minister. It has a nice symmetry.”

Leave means leave has a nice symmetry too. Well it will do when it’s applied to the bumbling front for hard right money interests that’s currently holed up in 10 Downing Street.

Make Britain Great Again…

THERE WAS ONE TORY BOTTLE OF SNEER ON THE WALL : Boris Johnson has stated today he is to “turbocharge” his preparations for an autumn 2019 general election by losing his parliamentary majority, sometime before the end of summer.

Appearing from behind a pure, unstained, white sofa, presumed to be in a room somewhere in Downing Street, an ebullient Mr Johnson spoke about the loss of Brecon and Radnorshire in a by election.

”Clearly, ah, baaaa, like Theseus crocheting a blanket from a ball of humble wool, when he should have been forcefully knitting a duvet, selecting a disgraced and convicted felon to stand again was just gun shy. We should have put up the famous late Victorian homeopath Dr Crippen.”

Mr Johnson went on to say that lessons had been learned and when the next by-election occurs, perhaps in Dover as a result of the (former) Tory MP there Elphicke being charged with sexual assault, they’ll be sure to select someone with a completely blemished record. Which is exactly how he’s chosen a cabinet of MPs who have previously resigned in disgrace for various “irregularities”.

”And let me make it entirely clear. Let us not wait like maidens with their heads coyly concealed behind a Persian floor carpet. No! Let us assault our wavering MPs, those already thinking of crossing the floor to another party. Let us force them out to bring about a greater victory when we take our argument of enforced No Deal poverty, after years of unnecessary austerity, to the country. The sooner a general election, the better! Cross the floor! Or we’ll cross it for you! Turbocharge me! Straight into the man in the moon!”

Asked to speak about the Conservative loss to the “Remain alliance” a Labour social media outrider said it just proved not voting for their cuddly idea of Brexit was enabling the Conservatives. Also, they have nothing to fear from smaller parties making the duopoly irrelevant because they had purity.

”Maybe we’ve had it back to front though,” one mused, “all this time we’ve been telling Labour supporters who questioned Corbyn’s fence sitting on Brexit to F off and vote Tory. Maybe they would have if we’d told them to F off and vote Libdem? We would have demonstrated how we’ve restored democracy to the party by forcing away even more people who want to support us but can’t until we fight the hard right coup that is Brexit.”