Category: Democracy

ANY HOLE IS A GOAL : A ditch in the constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip has caused local consternation by filling itself in.

Shortly before lunchtime today, as news broke that Boris Johnson has had to accept a three month Article 50 extension from the EU, the ditch (known locally as Rodger) decided it was time to act.

“I had an infill contingency plan prepared,” Rodger the Ditch told LCD Views, “from the moment that walking bag of moral necrosis blurted out in front of the fainting police cadet that he would rather be dead in a ditch than extend Brexit again, well, I thought not in me you bag of bloviating pus.”

But while locally there is some empathy with Rodger taking steps to prevent Mr Johnson visiting, not everyone is impressed.

Local dog walker, Cilla Black (no relation) has a few things to say about how Rodger has filled himself in.

“Shopping trolleys, car tyres, plastic crates and mattresses?” She huffed, “he’s basically fly tipped into himself in the hope of being passed over. Although festooning it all with bunting printed in the images of Mr Johnson’s ex-wives, battalion of scorned mistresses and unacknowledged children was a crafty touch. I’ll give Rodger that. But I’d like to know how long he intends to stay an eyesore? Where am I supposed to fling all the dog shit, if Mr Johnson isn’t there to receive it?”

Rodger’s plans may also still be insufficient if Mr Johnson intends to be as good as his word, as rumour has it little paratrooper Mark “FFS” Francois is intending to explode inside him on the stroke of midnight on the 31st October.

“The little fathead thinks if he detonates in constipated rage it’ll start a Brexit riot,” Rodger sneered, “what a prat. He’s liable to blow all these rusty shopping trolleys into the trees and achieve nothing else. Brexiters, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing.”

Further plans for Andrew Bridgen to hold a wake for the Conservative Party, which is apparently over if Brexit doesn’t happen by Halloween, have been turned into a street party, after infiltration by fifth Colin-ist saboteurs. Yes, they are all called Colin.

NO GOVERNMENT IS BETTER THAN A BAD GOVERNMENT : In a shock to many, British prime minister (in name only) Boris Johnson has said something suggestive of a belief he’s currently running a functioning administration.

“He said he’s going to hold his breath until he faints if MPs don’t give him a general election,” a source closely associated with politics said, “oh, and that his government will go on strike if they can’t have an erection, or something like that. I mean, the entire gang are hard ons, but this is a bit rich. It’s not like they do anything at the moment as it is. It’s a government of sloganeering and blame shifting, there’s no governance to speak of.”

But the threat of strike action by the Tory government will be welcomed by many, especially those negatively impacted by its actions as a government.

“It’s a dream come true for millions of people,” the insider continues, “although, now she’s got her hands on the levers of power I wouldn’t expect Priti Patel to strike. She’ll break the picket line, smirking as she does so.”

Quite what Mr Johnson expects the threat of withholding breathing, till he faints, will achieve isn’t clear. It’s also rumoured he’s threatened additionally to scream and scream and scream and if that doesn’t work, break something.

“Spoiled brats don’t tend to reason things out,” the insider commented, “he thinks everyone is as wrapped up in him as he is himself. He’s wrong. Go on. Turn blue and fall over. You’ve a one month TV and sweet ban coming up regardless of what you do now. Benn and Letwin are drafting the law for it already. Public tantrums like this can’t be tolerated. There must be consequences for poor behaviour or Boris is likely to grow into a self-absorbed, entitled brat who ruins a country.”

But some commentators have said that there’s another reason for the latest public tantrum.

“Remember when Boris Johnson got all puffed up and boasted that if he didn’t ruin the UK’s economy in the service of disaster capitalists by October 31st he’d die in a ditch? It was at that campaign speech where the policewoman collapsed and he just carried on regardless.”

Yes.

“Well he hasn’t, or he won’t, he’s screwed up his big boast. This threat to faint is just a desperate attempt to distract people so they don’t keep talking about how his do or die Brexit promise was just another load of hot air and horseshit.”

EVERYBODY NEEDS BORIS TO LOSE A MOTION EVERY DAY : Boris Johnson, apparently prime minister (not that he does any prime ministering) has challenged MPs tonight after his latest Classic Dom.

Responding to the loss in the House of Commons over the programme motion, Mr Johnson swore he was going to smash up the House of Commons toilets using just the power of his unadulterated mendacity. And see how you all like that.

He added also,

“I’m going to get an original copy of the Magna Carta and burn it in this chamber. Then I’m going to use the ashes for toilet paper. You just see if I don’t. Give me a GE!”

He then lay on the floor in front of Speaker Bercow’s chair and proceeded to wail for a full fifteen minutes.

But although the threat was clearly designed to trigger a VONC and a GE, about the only thing it’s clear Johnson wants, the threat to the Magna Carta was described as,

“Minimal,” an archivist specialising in ancient texts, British Library, told LCD Views, “Boris Johnson says a lot of things, but you’ll notice he doesn’t follow through on much. You may counter and say he got the EU to renegotiate the WA, but they only did that so they could get Johnson to insert killer gags like customs declarations within the actual UK. So um, it’s not clear what he achieved?”

And Parliament granting Johnson a GE is still uncertain. It’s not like Labour is in any rush for one, given the long game played over Brexit is merely serving as a recruiting sergeant for the Greens and Libdems. Also, for the moment, old marrow handler Corbyn gets to look good contrasted against Johnson.

The country waits now to see what other wheeze Johnson, Cummings, Rees-smug and pals will pull in the hope of bullying Parliament into doing what they want.

“Bit bloody uncertain why they’re bothering,” the archivist added, “as they don’t have any actual detailed plans. The WAB going into limbo tonight is a perfect alignment with the government and the country under this government.”

WAB WAB WAAHHHH : Fraught scenes on the rolling Somerset estate of man child Jacob Rees-mogg today after it became apparent that the House of Commons may seek to see what crayon drawings he’s hidden in his pram.

Cries of ‘Nanny!’ and ‘Bitty!’ could be heard even in neighbouring fields as Nanny sought to get Jacob to sleep by placing him on top of said drawings and pushing the perambulator along the path through the old apple orchard.

“Initially witnesses thought the cries of frustrated, juvenile distress were in relation to all the unpicked, fallen fruit, but it soon became apparent the tantrum was due to problems putting Brexit together. A hand me down toy set without instructions.”

Attempts to ram through Boris Johnson’s and Jacob’s ‘May minus’ Withdrawal Agreement were hitting the buffers already, before the pram scene, as some of the better brought up boys and girls in the Westminster crèche Jacob is enrolled in began to get involved.

“They’ll never get the WAB approved by Parliament if parliament knows what’s in it,” a seasoned crèche observer said, “their hope is just to bully the other boys and girls into doing what they want. But some are not having it. This is a problem. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to negotiate. Bullying is all they have.”

Ludicrous that HMG expects Parliament to approve revised withdrawal package & adopt such complex legislation in such short time: mockery of democratic accountability. My first read through Withdrawal Agreement Bill + here are a few comments / queries to assist with its scrutiny:

— Michael Dougan (@mdouganlpool) October 22, 2019

And the problem maybe a big one, judging by the details that are finding their way out of the pram and into the light.

“It seems making Boris ‘World King (of England)’ is in the WAB. So that’s a bit of a sticky finger in the ear. And customs declarations within the UK are just a full, heaving, unchanged nappy. Everyone around can see it and smell it. Which is pretty much the entire WAB of course.”

The only question seems to be who is going to be brave enough to go and risk getting their hands dirty and change that steaming nappy.

Preferably before Boris shoves his fingers into it and starts running around the House of Commons smearing its contents on the walls.

In the coming days nanny is going to be busy. And a big dummy is going to spit a big dummy.

Celebrations, or drowning your sorrows? Whichever way today’s vote goes, and whatever your opinion, the whole country is preparing to go on the mother of all benders this evening.

Will it all be over, one way or the other? No, this sort of bullshit never ends, but today will indicate the most likely type of bullshit we are going to have to tolerate for the next few years.

It all comes down to the numbers. So we spoke to Professor of Calculations And Shit, Algie Braa.

“It’s very close,” explained Prof Braa. “Too close for comfort. I am predicting a 52:48 split in parliament, but which way I couldn’t tell you. I do know that the winning side will round the result to the nearest 100% and claim absolute victory for ever and ever, amen.”

Until the next time someone throws a spanner in the works.

Prof Braa was sanguine about the possible result. “If the so-called deal is accepted, well it’s curtains for boffins like me,” he explained. “It’s No Deal in all but name. My university, like all the others except Oxford and Cambridge, will become part of the University of Life. This means I will have to get a proper job, like working in Lidl. Unless Lidl stick two fingers up at us and refuse to operate behind the red, white and blue curtain.”

And if the opposition wins? “That just kicks the poor old can down the endless road to the next crisis in January,” said the Prof sadly. “Rinse and repeat until someone steps in and puts us all out of our misery.”

So what do you plan to do? “Do? I can’t do anything!” retorted Prof Braa. “So whatever happens, I’m hitting the pub tonight to get completely hammered!”

Who could step in and stop the madness? It’s a matter of Sovereignty. If parliament won’t, could the Sovereign step in?

“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Palace spokesman Roy Lassent. “But ask me this evening after I’ve had fifteen pints and I might be more definite!”

Queen and country? I’ll drink to that.

The People have spoken, and they say they want a general election. They are sick and tired of the current bunch of spineless grown-up children, and want the opportunity to elect some proper adults.

The examples of kids in adult bodies and responsible jobs are many, claims arrested development specialist Si Cologyst. “Take Boris Johnson, for example,” he starts. “Mentally, he never left prep school. He goes through life expecting an indulgent Master to bail him out, and looks forward to a regular six of the best. His mindset is still looking for the chance to sneak out of school, to the girls’ school the other side of town, for furtive entanglements behind the bike sheds.”

But the examples are many. “Mark Francois is still re-enacting all the war movies he was brought up on,” says Cologyst. “Bang bang, you’re dead, you lost, neh neh, my dad’s bigger than your dad, he was in The War you know. Not an original thought in that boy’s head, bless him.”

Meanwhile, Michael Gove continues to drink the cheap cider and smoke the dodgy weed that the bigger boys smuggle in to the common room, in an effort to look cool.

The women are no better, claims Cologyst. “Theresa May, for example, still acts like the junior prefect she once was,” he says. “She demonstrates, every time she speaks, why she was only ever a junior prefect. And Liz Truss still sneaks out of school to meet up with boys and persuade them to do her homework for her.”

The theory is compelling. It explains the existence and prominence of Andrew Bridgen, Nadine Dorries, and countless others, spoilt brats who never learned discipline or responsibility.

So no wonder The People are tired of their whining and squabbling, and would like adults to take over again.

So let’s put the children in detention and bring back the experts. It’s child’s play.

The shock revelation today is that the new unit of political corruption is known as an Arcuri. Boris Johnson has reportedly bunged 100 of them at the DUP to ensure their continued support.

Arlene Foster left Downing Street in a hurry last night. She revealed little of the transaction, but was heard to mutter “It’ll do for now” as she scurried away.

How much is an Arcuri? Some say £126,000. Some reckon, under the metric system, it is more like £100,000. The EU is yet to specify how much of the financial services sector comprises one Arcuri, but it is well known that Brexit Party MEPs salivate at its mention.

The exchange rates are highly volatile. The rates against Sterling and the US Dollar are particularly unstable, going up and down like “Bonking” Boris Johnson’s bottom.

Russia is thinking seriously about replacing the rouble with the Arcuri, in a bid to align themselves better with the Western world.

To clarify the picture, LCD Views’ All Above Board Guv correspondent spoke to financial analyst Curran C. Speculator.

How much is an Arcuri generally agreed to be worth, our correspondent asked.

“How long is a piece of string?” reported Speculator. “It’s as big as you like, and then some. Think of an obscene amount of money, double it, and chuck a couple of zeroes on the end.”

And that is how you calculate it?

“It’s one way,” said Speculator. “Obviously in the USA you have to add a few more zeroes. Think how much it takes to keep the Daily Mail in print for a year. Think how much you have to slip the tax man to not see your offshore accounts. Think how much you have to pay a gobby blonde to keep her trap shut.”

In which case, Jennifer Arcuri should have been paid much more than one Arcuri for her silence.

Nobody knows how much an Arcuri is worth, but it is clearly far too much.

EU KNOW I KNOW EU KNOW : Current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Arlene Foster, is to tell the stand up comedy act which has exploded into a bonfire of political crap, Boris Johnson, that she wants the cash in Euros this time.

“It’s the smart move,” our British democracy says, “Boris Johnson is carrying on with the same strong and stable approach to government that Theresa May took, while provincial governor of England under Foster.

“So every time Boris talks pound sterling will dive. Which is intentional, most likely, as so many backers of Mr Johnson have wealth hoarded in offshore, foreign currency accounts. Euros is the smart move. Some days the pound will rise too, after the prime minister talks. Entirely coincidental.”

It’s not clear how many Euros Ms Foster will demand in order to refill Mr Johnson’s as dirty cat box, but it may well be considerably more than Ms May had to pay.

“It’s just a good thing we had all those years of unnecessary austerity,” our correspondent says, “or the government wouldn’t be awash with cash for vanity projects, such as Mr Johnson pretending to run something.”

The Euros will be easy to supply however. Mr Johnson will simply have to uproot some of the roots left under the ground down stump of the magic money tree.

Then he can take them to a bureau de change at any airport, or the floating border posts in the Irish Sea, and turn the pounds into Euros and put the lot in a bag.

After the deal is done Mr Johnson is expected to stand on the steps of Stormont and give a major speech promising “a continuation of strong and stable government, just like we have here in Northern Ireland under the Conservative and Unionist Party”.

The strong and stableness will continue to be a catchphrase because he is just replaying May’s time as provincial puppet, but faster. Which is nice, it means he won’t last longer.

DOMMER AND DOMMER : Never ones to be behind the story, Downing Street have denied that today’s Tory Party electoral broadcast will be delivered by anyone but Queen Elizabeth II.

“It’s not going to be Dominic “Short” Cummings in drag,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views exclusively, “it’s going to be the old girl herself. FFS. I AM A GENIUS. Here, hand me that pancake. And the mascara. AND YOUR PHONE AND GET OUT.”

But in spite of the clear and assertive denial rumours are still flying around the Westminster bubble that the person riding in the golden carriage, past the rough sleepers of inner London, and up to the crumbling palace of UK democracy, thus to proceed to a big golden chair, will be Dominic Cummings in drag, and not the Queen.

“For all we know the Queen is in on it,” one commentator speculated without any evidence, “she’s not just doing what she sees as her constitutional duty under duress. She’s not waiting patiently, if quietly furious, for the country’s elected representatives to sort out their own mess.”

And sort out their own mess the government will, judging by leaks in advance of the speech.

“Clearly the detainment and civil rights violation sector is set for a boom, as will be revealed in Dominic’s, I mean the Queen’s speech,” a Johnson SPAD told us, on the condition of anonymity, “so too the food bank sector. You thought it was booming now? Wait until after Brexit. Blood money from weapons sales? Key plank of Global Britain. There’s going to be something in here for everyone. Except the poor of course. But what use are they?”

How much of the speech the government will get to enact is just guesswork though. Since Mr Johnson cleverly administered punishment exclusions of his own MPs, he doesn’t have the numbers to pass laws.

“He’ll just have to keep proroguing Parliament and act as if he has passed the laws. It’s all perfectly democratic. There is no chance at all that the sole reason for having this bogus ramble in Westminster today is in the hope of the speech being voted down and a GE forced upon us.”

At least with the speech the UK can see it’s symbolism is still shiny and on display.

“It’s strong and stable government,” the SPAD added, “now if you don’t mind I’ve got to run along and buy a toy crown for Dom.”

BECAUSE VOTER FRAUD IS THE ISSUE : The government is taking measures to combat electoral fraud by changing the rules around voting.

“It’s too hard to combat widespread electoral fraud, as happened in the EUref in 2016,” Home Office spokesman Gerry Mander said today, “and besides, to admit there’s a serious danger to our democratic standards by digital manipulation of electors would risk showing how hollow the Brexit mantra ‘will of the people’ is. So instead we’re going to crack down on the non-issue is voter fraud. This should distract everyone nicely.”

And distracting everyone nicely, while rigging the hell out of elections and referendums, is now a key plank of modern governance.

“Suggestions that forcing everyone to bring an entire year’s worth of Daily Mail’s is an attempt to gerrymander the electoral register is entirely correct,” Gerry continued, “I mean who has those? Except hardcore Tory supporters? The young? Nope. Lefties? Definitely not. Immigrant communities? Not bloody likely. Working class voters who are happy to be programmed? Possibly. This will ensure our core vote of affluent bigots and poorer people who have been systematically disenfranchised will be able to vote. It’s going to work a treat.”

But some have raised queries about what the polling stations will do with so much paper? Especially given the expected toilet paper shortages to come with Brexit. Surely the Daily Mail’s can be put to better use?

“Of course they can. The climate cost of tabloid journalism is woeful. Especially so when you consider the message carried by the tabloids. A double down. But I wouldn’t worry about storage of the Daily Mail’s in most constituencies.”

Why not?

“Well, a solid Labour or Libdem or SNP area won’t have many eligible voters. So it’s a non-issue.”

What about allowing people to bring a year of Guardians instead? Or Independents? Or proof of digital subscription to a solid investigate journalism outfit?

“Ha! What the hell? We’d be out of power forever.”

Gerry Mander, thank you, and good luck rigging the ballot box.

“We’ll be stuffing them next.”

No doubt, if you thought you could get away with it, or if the penalties for being caught are worth the reward.

“Now it sounds like your talking about electoral fraud in 2016 again and attempting to undermine the will of the people…”