Category: Democracy

Celebrations, or drowning your sorrows? Whichever way today’s vote goes, and whatever your opinion, the whole country is preparing to go on the mother of all benders this evening.

Will it all be over, one way or the other? No, this sort of bullshit never ends, but today will indicate the most likely type of bullshit we are going to have to tolerate for the next few years.

It all comes down to the numbers. So we spoke to Professor of Calculations And Shit, Algie Braa.

“It’s very close,” explained Prof Braa. “Too close for comfort. I am predicting a 52:48 split in parliament, but which way I couldn’t tell you. I do know that the winning side will round the result to the nearest 100% and claim absolute victory for ever and ever, amen.”

Until the next time someone throws a spanner in the works.

Prof Braa was sanguine about the possible result. “If the so-called deal is accepted, well it’s curtains for boffins like me,” he explained. “It’s No Deal in all but name. My university, like all the others except Oxford and Cambridge, will become part of the University of Life. This means I will have to get a proper job, like working in Lidl. Unless Lidl stick two fingers up at us and refuse to operate behind the red, white and blue curtain.”

And if the opposition wins? “That just kicks the poor old can down the endless road to the next crisis in January,” said the Prof sadly. “Rinse and repeat until someone steps in and puts us all out of our misery.”

So what do you plan to do? “Do? I can’t do anything!” retorted Prof Braa. “So whatever happens, I’m hitting the pub tonight to get completely hammered!”

Who could step in and stop the madness? It’s a matter of Sovereignty. If parliament won’t, could the Sovereign step in?

“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Palace spokesman Roy Lassent. “But ask me this evening after I’ve had fifteen pints and I might be more definite!”

Queen and country? I’ll drink to that.

The People have spoken, and they say they want a general election. They are sick and tired of the current bunch of spineless grown-up children, and want the opportunity to elect some proper adults.

The examples of kids in adult bodies and responsible jobs are many, claims arrested development specialist Si Cologyst. “Take Boris Johnson, for example,” he starts. “Mentally, he never left prep school. He goes through life expecting an indulgent Master to bail him out, and looks forward to a regular six of the best. His mindset is still looking for the chance to sneak out of school, to the girls’ school the other side of town, for furtive entanglements behind the bike sheds.”

But the examples are many. “Mark Francois is still re-enacting all the war movies he was brought up on,” says Cologyst. “Bang bang, you’re dead, you lost, neh neh, my dad’s bigger than your dad, he was in The War you know. Not an original thought in that boy’s head, bless him.”

Meanwhile, Michael Gove continues to drink the cheap cider and smoke the dodgy weed that the bigger boys smuggle in to the common room, in an effort to look cool.

The women are no better, claims Cologyst. “Theresa May, for example, still acts like the junior prefect she once was,” he says. “She demonstrates, every time she speaks, why she was only ever a junior prefect. And Liz Truss still sneaks out of school to meet up with boys and persuade them to do her homework for her.”

The theory is compelling. It explains the existence and prominence of Andrew Bridgen, Nadine Dorries, and countless others, spoilt brats who never learned discipline or responsibility.

So no wonder The People are tired of their whining and squabbling, and would like adults to take over again.

So let’s put the children in detention and bring back the experts. It’s child’s play.

The shock revelation today is that the new unit of political corruption is known as an Arcuri. Boris Johnson has reportedly bunged 100 of them at the DUP to ensure their continued support.

Arlene Foster left Downing Street in a hurry last night. She revealed little of the transaction, but was heard to mutter “It’ll do for now” as she scurried away.

How much is an Arcuri? Some say £126,000. Some reckon, under the metric system, it is more like £100,000. The EU is yet to specify how much of the financial services sector comprises one Arcuri, but it is well known that Brexit Party MEPs salivate at its mention.

The exchange rates are highly volatile. The rates against Sterling and the US Dollar are particularly unstable, going up and down like “Bonking” Boris Johnson’s bottom.

Russia is thinking seriously about replacing the rouble with the Arcuri, in a bid to align themselves better with the Western world.

To clarify the picture, LCD Views’ All Above Board Guv correspondent spoke to financial analyst Curran C. Speculator.

How much is an Arcuri generally agreed to be worth, our correspondent asked.

“How long is a piece of string?” reported Speculator. “It’s as big as you like, and then some. Think of an obscene amount of money, double it, and chuck a couple of zeroes on the end.”

And that is how you calculate it?

“It’s one way,” said Speculator. “Obviously in the USA you have to add a few more zeroes. Think how much it takes to keep the Daily Mail in print for a year. Think how much you have to slip the tax man to not see your offshore accounts. Think how much you have to pay a gobby blonde to keep her trap shut.”

In which case, Jennifer Arcuri should have been paid much more than one Arcuri for her silence.

Nobody knows how much an Arcuri is worth, but it is clearly far too much.

EU KNOW I KNOW EU KNOW : Current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Arlene Foster, is to tell the stand up comedy act which has exploded into a bonfire of political crap, Boris Johnson, that she wants the cash in Euros this time.

“It’s the smart move,” our British democracy says, “Boris Johnson is carrying on with the same strong and stable approach to government that Theresa May took, while provincial governor of England under Foster.

“So every time Boris talks pound sterling will dive. Which is intentional, most likely, as so many backers of Mr Johnson have wealth hoarded in offshore, foreign currency accounts. Euros is the smart move. Some days the pound will rise too, after the prime minister talks. Entirely coincidental.”

It’s not clear how many Euros Ms Foster will demand in order to refill Mr Johnson’s as dirty cat box, but it may well be considerably more than Ms May had to pay.

“It’s just a good thing we had all those years of unnecessary austerity,” our correspondent says, “or the government wouldn’t be awash with cash for vanity projects, such as Mr Johnson pretending to run something.”

The Euros will be easy to supply however. Mr Johnson will simply have to uproot some of the roots left under the ground down stump of the magic money tree.

Then he can take them to a bureau de change at any airport, or the floating border posts in the Irish Sea, and turn the pounds into Euros and put the lot in a bag.

After the deal is done Mr Johnson is expected to stand on the steps of Stormont and give a major speech promising “a continuation of strong and stable government, just like we have here in Northern Ireland under the Conservative and Unionist Party”.

The strong and stableness will continue to be a catchphrase because he is just replaying May’s time as provincial puppet, but faster. Which is nice, it means he won’t last longer.

DOMMER AND DOMMER : Never ones to be behind the story, Downing Street have denied that today’s Tory Party electoral broadcast will be delivered by anyone but Queen Elizabeth II.

“It’s not going to be Dominic “Short” Cummings in drag,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views exclusively, “it’s going to be the old girl herself. FFS. I AM A GENIUS. Here, hand me that pancake. And the mascara. AND YOUR PHONE AND GET OUT.”

But in spite of the clear and assertive denial rumours are still flying around the Westminster bubble that the person riding in the golden carriage, past the rough sleepers of inner London, and up to the crumbling palace of UK democracy, thus to proceed to a big golden chair, will be Dominic Cummings in drag, and not the Queen.

“For all we know the Queen is in on it,” one commentator speculated without any evidence, “she’s not just doing what she sees as her constitutional duty under duress. She’s not waiting patiently, if quietly furious, for the country’s elected representatives to sort out their own mess.”

And sort out their own mess the government will, judging by leaks in advance of the speech.

“Clearly the detainment and civil rights violation sector is set for a boom, as will be revealed in Dominic’s, I mean the Queen’s speech,” a Johnson SPAD told us, on the condition of anonymity, “so too the food bank sector. You thought it was booming now? Wait until after Brexit. Blood money from weapons sales? Key plank of Global Britain. There’s going to be something in here for everyone. Except the poor of course. But what use are they?”

How much of the speech the government will get to enact is just guesswork though. Since Mr Johnson cleverly administered punishment exclusions of his own MPs, he doesn’t have the numbers to pass laws.

“He’ll just have to keep proroguing Parliament and act as if he has passed the laws. It’s all perfectly democratic. There is no chance at all that the sole reason for having this bogus ramble in Westminster today is in the hope of the speech being voted down and a GE forced upon us.”

At least with the speech the UK can see it’s symbolism is still shiny and on display.

“It’s strong and stable government,” the SPAD added, “now if you don’t mind I’ve got to run along and buy a toy crown for Dom.”

BECAUSE VOTER FRAUD IS THE ISSUE : The government is taking measures to combat electoral fraud by changing the rules around voting.

“It’s too hard to combat widespread electoral fraud, as happened in the EUref in 2016,” Home Office spokesman Gerry Mander said today, “and besides, to admit there’s a serious danger to our democratic standards by digital manipulation of electors would risk showing how hollow the Brexit mantra ‘will of the people’ is. So instead we’re going to crack down on the non-issue is voter fraud. This should distract everyone nicely.”

And distracting everyone nicely, while rigging the hell out of elections and referendums, is now a key plank of modern governance.

“Suggestions that forcing everyone to bring an entire year’s worth of Daily Mail’s is an attempt to gerrymander the electoral register is entirely correct,” Gerry continued, “I mean who has those? Except hardcore Tory supporters? The young? Nope. Lefties? Definitely not. Immigrant communities? Not bloody likely. Working class voters who are happy to be programmed? Possibly. This will ensure our core vote of affluent bigots and poorer people who have been systematically disenfranchised will be able to vote. It’s going to work a treat.”

But some have raised queries about what the polling stations will do with so much paper? Especially given the expected toilet paper shortages to come with Brexit. Surely the Daily Mail’s can be put to better use?

“Of course they can. The climate cost of tabloid journalism is woeful. Especially so when you consider the message carried by the tabloids. A double down. But I wouldn’t worry about storage of the Daily Mail’s in most constituencies.”

Why not?

“Well, a solid Labour or Libdem or SNP area won’t have many eligible voters. So it’s a non-issue.”

What about allowing people to bring a year of Guardians instead? Or Independents? Or proof of digital subscription to a solid investigate journalism outfit?

“Ha! What the hell? We’d be out of power forever.”

Gerry Mander, thank you, and good luck rigging the ballot box.

“We’ll be stuffing them next.”

No doubt, if you thought you could get away with it, or if the penalties for being caught are worth the reward.

“Now it sounds like your talking about electoral fraud in 2016 again and attempting to undermine the will of the people…”

The UK has woken up to a fully-functioning government, after years of useless ones. The monumentally stupid pronouncements and childish taunts have ceased. Surprised investigators have discovered the answer.

For the first time in years, in fact probably for the first time since the Magna Carta, Parliament is clean. Rigorous drug tests have weeded out the spaffing spliffers and white line sniffers. Parliamentary boozers are now losers, and the smackheads have been smacked by Matron and sent to bed.

The change is remarkable. Michael Gove, for example, has spoken in the Chamber with eloquence and reason. Not once did he slobber, sway, or go all swivel-eyed. Boris Johnson apologised for making a hash of things, revoked Article 50 and resigned to allow someone more competent to lead his Party. Jacob Rees-Mogg remained upright throughout proceedings.

The change has been hard for some members. For David Davis the change has been difficult, to say the least. He was discovered in the now-closed Alex Salmond Memorial Bar, gibbering, sweating and shaking. Not the DTs, but the realisation that he is a complete fraud.

Theresa May has been banned from taking walking holidays in Wales, because this is seen as a gateway activity to running through wheatfields.

Chris Grayling has stopped bringing coke into work. He is now under a clean living regime, and besides the bubbles used to get up his nose.

Some female members are finding their career paths blocked. The problem is that they cannot sleep their way to the top jobs any more, since the brains of the men they use are no longer addled enough for the men to find them attractive.

The House of Lords has been transformed into a rehab centre, for those who still turn up drink as a lord. For the diehard refuseniks, cardboard boxes have been provided under Westminster Bridge.

And Brexit, the crack cocaine of the masses, has been consigned to the recycling bin of history.

BUILDING BRIDGES OUT OF BUSES : BORIS JOHNSON, flailing prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is going to have a heavy weekend. He’s got some thinking to do. Some people weirdly trust him and he has to choose who to disabuse, or he may not deliver Brexit. Which would be a shame. If you’re a nationalist politician after independence.

“The DUP? They’re always on the phone. It never stops,” a technical coach, helping Boris understand Instagram, told LCD Views, “like, every time I take my top off to better show BoBo how to upload a selfie with a virile filter, it’s Arlene again! I think he should throw the DUP under the bus and keep Northern Ireland in the CU and SM. He can just front out the rest of the UK wanting exactly the same benefit by saying it’s the elites who did it.”

But other aides to the PM think he should throw different allies under the bus.

“We’ll first he’s got to make a bus big enough,” a local arts and crafts supplier advised, “to this end I am shortly to deliver a truckload of cardboard, craft glue and paints. Oh, and some little Lego people to serve as the people he throws under the bus. I think he should throw the ERG under. They’re so radicalised now they’ll never agree to anything but a Wicker Man Brexit anyway. And if he gets rid of them…wait…the maths is a problem with this Brexit business. Well, he should throw them under anyway. For the public good.”

It’s clearly a tough choice. He’s got to keep enough Labour MPs supporting Brexit too, while alienating a battalion from his own side?

“Probably best to throw Dominic Cummings under the bus? Don’t you think?” the poor sod who has to tidy up Downing Street each evening said, “if I have to scrub another kilo of chicken entrails off Dom’s desk I’ll go insane. Not to mention cleaning up all the scattered knuckle bones, small, hard to identify femurs and what not. The divination rites to decide each day’s new Brexit dead cat play are very messy. It wasn’t like this with May. She just spent each day in the toilet screaming for someone to make Boris Johnson go away.”

One thing is certain, if he does deliver any kind of Brexit, you can wish the UK away. Much better if we just stayed…Boris knows that. Why not throw Brexit under the Brexit bus?

The blame game continues apace. The failure of the government’s Brexit policy has been blamed on everything from global warming to aliens from Saturn. Finally, the fingers have been pointed in the right direction.

The democratic mandate in 1975 was not enough for some. Instead of getting behind the government, respecting democracy and sucking it up, they have been whining and moaning and undermining everything the government has tried to do.

Ever since, Europe has been the graveyard of Tory prime ministers. It cannot be long before Boris Johnson finds his continental ditch, in some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.

Even aliens from Saturn must recognise who the real saboteurs and traitors in this sorry business are. People who refused to accept a democratic result, so subverted the democratic process to overturn it.

Predictably, outrage has followed in the wake of this revelation. “I fight World War 2 in my head every day!” snorted Leave voter Norman D. Landings. “And every day I win against impossible odds because I’m English! You can’t take that away from me!”

LCD Views’ Imperial Nostalgia correspondent asked Landings how he had voted in 1975.

“I wasn’t allowed to vote,” he replied, disclosing that he was a child at the time. “I remember the power cuts though, they were great fun, getting the candles out and pretending we were at war! Joining the EU spoiled all our fun. I would still of voted out if they’d of let me!”

What’s this war obsession all about, then?

“You get to have a big weapon and shoot people!” he said. “It’s exciting, it makes me feel good. Bang bang bang!”

Not compensating for anything, obviously.

The people old enough to vote in 1975 will have witnessed the slow postwar recovery, the brief flare of optimism in the 1960s, then the failure of the British economy in the 1970s. We are stronger as part of a union, as brexiters say when the UK threatens to tear itself apart.

In short, brexiters, you lost. Get over it.

STAND AND DELIVER : The Bonnie and Clyde of British politics, Boris “The shagger” Johnson has reaffirmed his commitment to inflicting avoidable food and medicine shortages on the British public.

“They can make all the new laws they want,” someone claiming to be Mr Johnson told someone claiming to be a journalist, “I’ll just have a source threaten to break them. Mark my words. You will need a warrant to get me out of Downing Street. Or at least the threat of one.”

The reaffirmation of Mr Johnson’s commitment to dodgy relationships with former pole dancers, in need of readies, and with links to dubious US hard right figures came at a time of national crisis. And so too the alleged assertions in the paragraph above this one.

How the clever clogs who keep passing legislation making Mr Johnson’s promise to deliver Brexit, regardless of the damage that will be inflicted, will respond is pretty easy to guesstimate.

“I guess they’ll just keep passing laws,” a source close to Mr Johnson said, “well, you just wait and see what we do about it. First off we’ll brief the laws are pointless to friendly mouthpieces in the press. Then we’ll threaten to break them, when we acknowledge they are actual laws. Then we’ll cave in, but keep alluding to some devious plan we have that no one else has thought of. So clever, cunning and perfect even we haven’t thought of it. That’ll show them all. We’ll see who’s right.”

But in spite of all the bravado and bluster emanating like a poison fog from Downing Street, some in the general public are beginning to suspect they may have over billed their genius. Mostly to the exchequer, but also to the bank of credibility.

“It’s almost as if Brexit only got to where it is as a project through criminality, and of course the flaccid compliance of the official opposition that wants it for ideological reasons. If the Tory Brexiters have to obey the law they’re screwed, and so is Brexit, regardless of whether or not others maybe promising a ‘sensible’ Brexit in defiance of all evidence.”

But doubtless Mr Johnson will attempt to carry on, presumably by now picking a fight with the Queen, or some other daft measure.

Maybe it’s about time the fixed term parliament act was amended by the majority that is now governing parliament, to say that if a sitting prime minister loses a VONC who has to vacant Downing Street, after phong the Queen?

Then parliament can choose a caretaker by an indicative votes process to organise a GE, and not by the ridiculous partisan spectacle that seems to currently be the scene?