Category: Democracy

IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO : THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY has been accused of a copycat strategy today after it reacted to the news of the ‘Unite to Remain’ electoral pacts with a unifying electoral pact strategy of its own.

Speaking through an interpreter at a campaign event in central London today, Tory party leader, Boris ‘there’s nothing to see in that intelligence report’ Johnson, garbled and mumbled, waffled and enthused in a collection of syllables mashed together to form a word salad.

He looked haggard, his hair looked like it was attempting an escape bid, and helpfully no one asked what it feels like to leave your wife and children, and move your young girlfriend into Downing Street. Because we don’t do moral standards in British political life anymore, at least, not under the Conservatives. Just ask serving cabinet ministers, who have been disgraced, resigned and then had their careers resurrected.

Mr Johnson’s statement was separated into its component parts and re-assembled in something akin to speech by the interpreter.

“Those filly fally foondanglies just need a good shagging! Girly swots!” Mr Johnson began, apparently, “they think that like Theseus, baffled in a wool shop by what colour to pick for the jaunt in the maze, we can’t tell our voters which colour to pick. Or even ourselves! But we can! Blue! Blue on blue! Not aquamarine or azure. Tory blue. To that end, like the Gorgon agaze in wonder at her own reflection, we are standing aside anyone vaguely sane within our party and replacing them with guano frenzied idiots!”

The strategy is expected to lead to great gains for Mr Johnson as the electorate in areas as alike as Runnymede or Putney will not need to worry about losing their ‘moderate’ Tory candidate, when they can choose to vote for someone even more exciting, and guaranteed to tow the party line no matter how adrift from anything sensible it becomes.

But in spite of having their strategy stolen by the wrecking ball of standards and society, the Unite to Remain grouping was upbeat.

“It helps our cause,” a source inside the organisation said, “as it will stand us in even sharper relief.”

LCD Views would like to (genuinely) commend the Unite to Remain effort. A twinkling light at the end of a tunnel that is at times long and dark. It stands a chance to go some way to de-toxifying British politics, by showing that parties and can work together in the national interest and take actions to mutual benefit. And to that of the electorate. We would just like to see even more of it…hint hint a certain opposition party who so far isn’t having a bar of it.

You want to GTTO or not?

BOJO THE DANGEROUS CLOWN : Nice work if you can get it as outgoing prime minister Boris Johnson is relieved of the danger of doing any serious work again for the next five weeks.

Since becoming prime minister, back in the summer, Mr Johnson hasn’t been very successful, in spite of having megamind Short Cummings at his disposal. Or being at Short Cummings disposal, whichever way it’s rolling.

But the one thing he has totally nailed is bunking off.

First for the summer recess, so he could get to grips with streaming videos on social media (good thing he took all those technology lessons while mayor!)

Then he prorogued parliament in the hope of both evading scrutiny of the work he wasn’t doing, and to intimidate the Commons.

That didn’t work. Some girly swots saw to that in the Supreme Court.

Still, at least he got to lie in for a few mornings. And he did then get to lawfully prorogue Parliament for a few days. Another well earned rest. Even if the stated reasons for doing it were clearly a sham.

Now he’s free to pursue his hobby of being a work shy blaggard spending other people’s money for five weeks during a GE campaign. Going here and there telling everyone how great he is.

For Mr Johnson that isn’t work, that’s pursuit of what appears to be his favourite distraction, apart from young totty of course! Wahey!

Although it won’t all be pleasure. Somehow he’s got to sit on an intelligence report into foreign interference in UK democracy. He will also have to hope the CPS do nothing with the file on Vote Leave lawbreaking. Oh, and that nothing comes of any of the paused investigations into his actions while Mayor.

But for a man known to have been drawn into a conspiracy to have a journalist beaten up and whose main talent seems to be making and breaking promises, that’s all in a day’s work.

And to think in just a few short weeks some people in this country will still vote for him.

FOCUS ON THE NATIONAL INTEREST : Wish fulfilment in spades today after the leadership of the Labour and Liberal Democrat parties announced a plan to agree electoral pacts for key marginals.

“It’s just common sense,” a spokesman as imaginary as the headline to this article said, “we’ve both been banging on for years now that the most important thing is to get the toxic Tories out of office, so it seemed a bit bloody confusing to people, who aren’t deeply tribal, that as soon as a GE was announced we told each other to get stuffed in no uncertain terms.

“Then many of our social media activists followed suit. It was very divisive and distracting and only helped Boris Johnson. Labour members bashing LibDems all over social media. Libdems bashing Labour. Tories sitting back howling in laughter. Moderate members of Labour and Libdems shaking their heads and wondering which party is sane enough to join next?”

The decision to work together seems certain to reduce Boris Johnson’s chances of gaining a majority to virtually nil.

It will also build on the great strides being made by the Liberal Democrats, Greens, Plaid and others who are already working together to reduce the Tory Party’s chances.

Now Labour has joined the electoral pact alliance Boris looks stuffed.

“It’s just political realism,” the source said, “what’s the point of Labour standing candidates in seats it can not realistically hope to take off the Tories, but the LibDems can? And vice versa? We disagree on a lot of issues, but we can deal with that once the Tories are out and the NHS sale off the table.”

The move is also thought to be grounded in sober realisation of what the failure of all opposition parties to remove the Johnson government, and form a GNU, means.

“We got a little tribal,” the spokesman sighed, “right when we had a chance to topple Johnson. Everyone let their own ambitions cloud their judgements. It wasn’t great. But now we can make amends.”

The move is expected to send shockwaves through the meme factories of both parties, who will now actually have to focus on making emotionally triggering memes just targeting the Tories.

“Look we all know Jeremy is a little bit Brexity. We all know Swinson has a historical voting record that’s a little um, sketchy, in terms of purity? Who gains if we both focus on such matters and not on working together to GTTO?”

A Danger: Unexploded Brexiter warning has been issued in the bosky surroundings of Rayleigh and Wickford. Residents have been advised to stay indoors and avoid the BBC.

The Brexiter, which is believed to date from World War Two, has repeatedly threatened to explode. The latest expected explosion date, 31 October, came and went without incident. But experts say that it could go off without warning at any time.

The army has been called in to take control of the situation. An exclusion zone the size of the constituency has been established, and nobody who is more left wing than Nigel Farage may enter.

The perimeter is being patrolled carefully. Not by aggressive types with guns and dogs, but by gammon hunters waiting for the explosion so they can get a free dinner.

Already some are suggesting that another exclusion zone should surround Andrew Bridgen’s North West Leicestershire constituency. An explosion of mashed potato is imminent, which makes a nice complement to Rayleigh roast gammon.

Brexiter disposal experts have been called in. They aim to defuse the situation by performing a controlled explosion in BBC Essex’s newsroom in the company of Andrew Marr.

In related news, the aforementioned Nigel Farage has been upping the Brexit purity ante again. Drop the deal and we will be your friend, he told Boris Johnson. Johnson, caught between two impossible, incompatible situations of his own making, declined. This incident did, however, set the Rayleigh timebomb ticking again.

“It’s a cock up, a foul up and a stitch up,” spluttered the bomb, causing bystanders to scuttle for cover. “Now the bastard is going to stand against us, split the vote and we will have to stay paying tax!”

With that he clamped his Captain Mainwaring tin hat on his head and stumped off, muttering “stupid boy!”.

If all goes to plan, the next scheduled explosion will be 31 January. Or when we revoke Article 50, whichever happens first.

THICK AS THIEVES : Nigel Farage has set the pigeon amongst the cats today by threatening to withdraw the Brexit Party whip from outgoing Brexit prime minister Boris Johnson.

The move is part of an escalation strategy as Mr Farage bids to retain his lucrative MEP’s seat in the European Union’s parliament.

Mr Farage hit out at Mr Johnson during the Brexit Party book burning, held this afternoon on a College Green, Westminster, to launch the BXP’s GE campaign.

The campaign will run under the slogan “No Book Left Unburned” and will attempt to torch a library’s worth of printed material in all 650 UK constituencies by the end of campaigning on December 11th.

Mr Johnson had been expected to feature heavily, as Mr Farage’s drawcard, with plans in place to have him personally pick up a flamethrower and torch any material that analysed far right politics and the events of the first half of 20th century European politics.

But speaking at the launch today, with a rolled up copy of Playboy in his back pocket, and a gasoline soaked Shakespeare manuscript at his feet, Mr Farage warned Mr Johnson that his patience was wearing thin.

“If Boris doesn’t immediately drop any pretence to sanity, in the eyes of the truly credulous, and commit to crashing out of the European Union the moment the election is over, then he can not stay a paid up subscriber of my limit company,” Mr Farage bellowed, much like a bullfrog in heat, “if he doesn’t drive away enough support from the Conservatives I risk losing my seat on the outrage gravy train. I won’t stand for it!”

Additionally Mr Farage threatened to personally stand in each constituency to properly split the Brexit vote, in the hope of eliminating the risk to his career campaigning for Brexit.

It’s not sure how Mr Johnson will respond to being threatened so publicly by Mr Farage, or what their shadowy offshore backers will make of the spat.

“As long as the exchange rates keep fluctuating neither will be sanctioned,” our political editor surmised, “and they’ll soon make up. Trump needs to purchase the NHS before he’s impeached out of office, so I expect both men will be getting a call and told to work together. There’s books to burn after all, and they can do it as a pair by just holding the leaves to their smouldering pants.”

GET YOUR FINGERS OUT AND START POINTING : Just as Global Britons were feeling dread in the pits of their stomachs at the prospect of five weeks of idiocy comprising GE2019, hope is here at last.

“They’re all going to work together?” embattled voter, Hope Springs, asked, looking up from a cross-party tweet, “this is great. Finally maturity and pragmatism are returning to UK politics.”

And Hope is right to be hopeful. Today all UK political parties, except UKIP who suddenly find themselves both Dick and Braine less, have announced a common policy platform.

“They’ve apparently agreed to run on a common platform of all blaming each other for the fiasco, even before it unfolds,” Hope smiled, such a ray of sunshine in dark days, “Labour is going to blame the Libdems. The Tories are going to blame Labour. The Libdems are going to blame Labour and the Libdems. The Green is going to blame all the others, in turn, equally, one at a time. And so on. It’s a complete triumph of reason and reality. SNP and Plaid will take it in turn to blame the big parties, on days when they look exhausted. And the DUP are going to blame Varadkar, just to show UK politics is outward looking.”

How having one policy platform will work out for all the parties is not yet clear.

“To be fair, it hasn’t been tried before, at least not in my lifetime,” Hope shrugged, “but at least now I’ll be able to decide who to vote for based on who I’m convinced is the most blameless.”

As to what the country’s 16 year olds will think of it all, and who they’ll blame, we’re pretty sure they’ll blame the generations who’ve cocked it up so spectacularly while they’ve been waiting to grow up and vote.

ANY HOLE IS A GOAL : A ditch in the constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip has caused local consternation by filling itself in.

Shortly before lunchtime today, as news broke that Boris Johnson has had to accept a three month Article 50 extension from the EU, the ditch (known locally as Rodger) decided it was time to act.

“I had an infill contingency plan prepared,” Rodger the Ditch told LCD Views, “from the moment that walking bag of moral necrosis blurted out in front of the fainting police cadet that he would rather be dead in a ditch than extend Brexit again, well, I thought not in me you bag of bloviating pus.”

But while locally there is some empathy with Rodger taking steps to prevent Mr Johnson visiting, not everyone is impressed.

Local dog walker, Cilla Black (no relation) has a few things to say about how Rodger has filled himself in.

“Shopping trolleys, car tyres, plastic crates and mattresses?” She huffed, “he’s basically fly tipped into himself in the hope of being passed over. Although festooning it all with bunting printed in the images of Mr Johnson’s ex-wives, battalion of scorned mistresses and unacknowledged children was a crafty touch. I’ll give Rodger that. But I’d like to know how long he intends to stay an eyesore? Where am I supposed to fling all the dog shit, if Mr Johnson isn’t there to receive it?”

Rodger’s plans may also still be insufficient if Mr Johnson intends to be as good as his word, as rumour has it little paratrooper Mark “FFS” Francois is intending to explode inside him on the stroke of midnight on the 31st October.

“The little fathead thinks if he detonates in constipated rage it’ll start a Brexit riot,” Rodger sneered, “what a prat. He’s liable to blow all these rusty shopping trolleys into the trees and achieve nothing else. Brexiters, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing.”

Further plans for Andrew Bridgen to hold a wake for the Conservative Party, which is apparently over if Brexit doesn’t happen by Halloween, have been turned into a street party, after infiltration by fifth Colin-ist saboteurs. Yes, they are all called Colin.

NO GOVERNMENT IS BETTER THAN A BAD GOVERNMENT : In a shock to many, British prime minister (in name only) Boris Johnson has said something suggestive of a belief he’s currently running a functioning administration.

“He said he’s going to hold his breath until he faints if MPs don’t give him a general election,” a source closely associated with politics said, “oh, and that his government will go on strike if they can’t have an erection, or something like that. I mean, the entire gang are hard ons, but this is a bit rich. It’s not like they do anything at the moment as it is. It’s a government of sloganeering and blame shifting, there’s no governance to speak of.”

But the threat of strike action by the Tory government will be welcomed by many, especially those negatively impacted by its actions as a government.

“It’s a dream come true for millions of people,” the insider continues, “although, now she’s got her hands on the levers of power I wouldn’t expect Priti Patel to strike. She’ll break the picket line, smirking as she does so.”

Quite what Mr Johnson expects the threat of withholding breathing, till he faints, will achieve isn’t clear. It’s also rumoured he’s threatened additionally to scream and scream and scream and if that doesn’t work, break something.

“Spoiled brats don’t tend to reason things out,” the insider commented, “he thinks everyone is as wrapped up in him as he is himself. He’s wrong. Go on. Turn blue and fall over. You’ve a one month TV and sweet ban coming up regardless of what you do now. Benn and Letwin are drafting the law for it already. Public tantrums like this can’t be tolerated. There must be consequences for poor behaviour or Boris is likely to grow into a self-absorbed, entitled brat who ruins a country.”

But some commentators have said that there’s another reason for the latest public tantrum.

“Remember when Boris Johnson got all puffed up and boasted that if he didn’t ruin the UK’s economy in the service of disaster capitalists by October 31st he’d die in a ditch? It was at that campaign speech where the policewoman collapsed and he just carried on regardless.”

Yes.

“Well he hasn’t, or he won’t, he’s screwed up his big boast. This threat to faint is just a desperate attempt to distract people so they don’t keep talking about how his do or die Brexit promise was just another load of hot air and horseshit.”

EVERYBODY NEEDS BORIS TO LOSE A MOTION EVERY DAY : Boris Johnson, apparently prime minister (not that he does any prime ministering) has challenged MPs tonight after his latest Classic Dom.

Responding to the loss in the House of Commons over the programme motion, Mr Johnson swore he was going to smash up the House of Commons toilets using just the power of his unadulterated mendacity. And see how you all like that.

He added also,

“I’m going to get an original copy of the Magna Carta and burn it in this chamber. Then I’m going to use the ashes for toilet paper. You just see if I don’t. Give me a GE!”

He then lay on the floor in front of Speaker Bercow’s chair and proceeded to wail for a full fifteen minutes.

But although the threat was clearly designed to trigger a VONC and a GE, about the only thing it’s clear Johnson wants, the threat to the Magna Carta was described as,

“Minimal,” an archivist specialising in ancient texts, British Library, told LCD Views, “Boris Johnson says a lot of things, but you’ll notice he doesn’t follow through on much. You may counter and say he got the EU to renegotiate the WA, but they only did that so they could get Johnson to insert killer gags like customs declarations within the actual UK. So um, it’s not clear what he achieved?”

And Parliament granting Johnson a GE is still uncertain. It’s not like Labour is in any rush for one, given the long game played over Brexit is merely serving as a recruiting sergeant for the Greens and Libdems. Also, for the moment, old marrow handler Corbyn gets to look good contrasted against Johnson.

The country waits now to see what other wheeze Johnson, Cummings, Rees-smug and pals will pull in the hope of bullying Parliament into doing what they want.

“Bit bloody uncertain why they’re bothering,” the archivist added, “as they don’t have any actual detailed plans. The WAB going into limbo tonight is a perfect alignment with the government and the country under this government.”

WAB WAB WAAHHHH : Fraught scenes on the rolling Somerset estate of man child Jacob Rees-mogg today after it became apparent that the House of Commons may seek to see what crayon drawings he’s hidden in his pram.

Cries of ‘Nanny!’ and ‘Bitty!’ could be heard even in neighbouring fields as Nanny sought to get Jacob to sleep by placing him on top of said drawings and pushing the perambulator along the path through the old apple orchard.

“Initially witnesses thought the cries of frustrated, juvenile distress were in relation to all the unpicked, fallen fruit, but it soon became apparent the tantrum was due to problems putting Brexit together. A hand me down toy set without instructions.”

Attempts to ram through Boris Johnson’s and Jacob’s ‘May minus’ Withdrawal Agreement were hitting the buffers already, before the pram scene, as some of the better brought up boys and girls in the Westminster crèche Jacob is enrolled in began to get involved.

“They’ll never get the WAB approved by Parliament if parliament knows what’s in it,” a seasoned crèche observer said, “their hope is just to bully the other boys and girls into doing what they want. But some are not having it. This is a problem. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to negotiate. Bullying is all they have.”

Ludicrous that HMG expects Parliament to approve revised withdrawal package & adopt such complex legislation in such short time: mockery of democratic accountability. My first read through Withdrawal Agreement Bill + here are a few comments / queries to assist with its scrutiny:

— Michael Dougan (@mdouganlpool) October 22, 2019

And the problem maybe a big one, judging by the details that are finding their way out of the pram and into the light.

“It seems making Boris ‘World King (of England)’ is in the WAB. So that’s a bit of a sticky finger in the ear. And customs declarations within the UK are just a full, heaving, unchanged nappy. Everyone around can see it and smell it. Which is pretty much the entire WAB of course.”

The only question seems to be who is going to be brave enough to go and risk getting their hands dirty and change that steaming nappy.

Preferably before Boris shoves his fingers into it and starts running around the House of Commons smearing its contents on the walls.

In the coming days nanny is going to be busy. And a big dummy is going to spit a big dummy.