Category: Democracy

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM: Priapic prior PM Boris Johnson is on his usual good form. He only hears what he wants to hear, and the word ‘election’ isn’t quite to his taste.

When it comes to a choice of taking the red pill or the blue pill, there is only one choice for Johnson. Who needs reality when you have viagra?

One man who has become rich off the back of Johnson’s urges is pill pusher Willie Hardern. “Yeah, Boris has always been a great customer,” said Hardern, supervising while several pallets of tablets were loaded into an unmarked van. “That’s his latest order on the way now, it’s double his usual monthly prescription. I wonder what’s going on this time?”

Is it the general election?

“Ah, yes, he did say something like that,” said Hardern. “He did say he had to make a principled stand.”

I didn’t think that Johnson had any principles whatsoever.

“That’s not true!” insisted Hardern. “He does have one. The self-serving principle.”

The principal principle.

“Exactly.,” said Hardern  “Now he also said he wanted to run something up the flagpole.”

I wonder what that could have been.

“He ended by shouting ‘I’m backing Britain!’ At least, I think he said ‘backing’.”

Never let it be said that Boris Johnsons is dicking about. He will always stand up for Britain, or at least for himself.

And presumably Carrie will bear the brunt of his patriotism? “Carrie who?” said Johnson’s minder, Tim Tamms. “Oh, the wife? I’d forgotten about her. Boris moved on months ago. I can’t remember who the current one is, but she’s blonde and pretty. As usual. There have been so many. And they all look alike. Oh look, here’s the shipment of viagra. Looks like the girls will be working a double shift this month.”

It’s an almighty cock-up.

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING are all on the shopping list. The looting window is closing, rapidly. There are only 42 looting days left until the long summer holiday. And this is a summer holiday that could last forever.

The mood in Westminster is feverish. The pigs with their snouts in the trough are running around like headless chickens. They are scared that they will have to get off the gravy train and onto Southern Rail, on the off-chance that a real train will arrive.

The gloves are off. The masks have slipped. “This is no time for subterfuge and playing the long game,” said Tory MP Max Swindells. “I have only 42 days to put my latest scam – I mean, policy – into action. No time to placate the PM or even the Daily Mail. It must be done NOW! While there’s still time.”

And what is this great scam – I mean, policy?

“Railway stations,” said Swindells. “Look at the platforms. All that space which could be monetised. Commuters will pay for their own space on their own platform, the better the spot, the more they pay. A space on the edge by the doors for coach 1 will cost more than that odd corner between the fire buckets and the toilets. I’ll forge the King’s signature and everything. No time, must dash.”

And Swindells was gone.

Similar schemes were everywhere. Plans to charge individuals for breathing. Taxes on using the lavatory to pay for cleaning up the sewage and bigger water company dividends. A plan to legalise drugs so that drug dealers can be taxed to the limit, albeit with a lifetime’s free supply for Michael Gove.

And while his minions squabble over the remains of the Exchequer, PM-for-now Rishi Sunak is booking a very long holiday, beginning on July 5th.

So long, and thanks for all the Great British fish.

EVEN BIGGER SOCIETY : The architect of the current state of the United Kingdom, Lord David Cameron of Boy Wonder, is rumoured to be in advanced talks to join Labour.

”He’s privately very panicked,” a source claiming to be close to the Lord told LCD Views, “if Rishi ever calls that GE it’s curtains. And I don’t mean merely a new refurb of 10 Downing Street.”

The big feelings in Big Dave are said to be based on the terror of becoming unemployed.

”Clearly balancing the budget, if subject to managed decline, won’t be an issue for the Lord. Only people foolish enough to be born poor have to fret over that. Wealthy people like the Lord don’t know how much they have because their finances are sensibly managed.”

What is the concern then?

”He’s worried he’ll be sent packing, well his staff will do the packing, anyway, sent back to the cavernous Shepherd’s Hut Shed with Sam banging on about what colour to repaint it and nagging him to talk to his personal stylist. It’s just so soul crushingly dull. He’ll die of boredom. But swanning around the globe at taxpayers expense being greeted like royalty due to his accent? That’s a life well lived.”

But would Labour countenance such a defection?

”Don’t be daft,” our source replied, “they’re still pledging to Make Brexit Work even though Brexit is about as workable as a nostalgia and class driven so called representative democracy with a birthright based and democratically unaccountable Head of State in the 21st Century when London is the world’s laundromat and social media tycoons provide the majority of people’s information via algorithms designed to manipulate their every thought. Of course they’ll do it. Without a second thought.”

WHATEVER YOU WANT: Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is bucking the Status Quo. In his desperate wish to be a popular populist, he is trying to gain popularity amongst the population properly. But is he a Matchstick Man or a straw man?

“I’m listening to the electorate,” said Sunak in his keynote speech at one of the private, opaquely-funded far-right Tufton Street think-tanks. “Look!” He covered his little ears with his little hands. “La la la!” he said happily.

The right wing media gobbled up this nonsense happily and reported it as fact.

“I’m not only listening, but I’m looking as well!” he continued. Sunak put on a pair of dark glasses and pretended not to notice questions coming from allegedly competent journalists.

“All you need to do is to tell me what you’re proposing,” Sunak said. “I’m a public servant, I’m YOUR public servant, ready to enact the Will Of The People.”

We all remember how well that went last time.

“You can trust me, just look at how I’ve delivered on my promises!” he boasted. “You said you wanted me to stop the boats, and that’s going really well. We are disposing of the surplus population one by one, to Rwanda. Outsourcing the problem always works. The paper tiger is sending them away on a paper plane!”

It’s possible that the AI bot which writes Sunak’s speeches needs to recalibrate its analogy filter.

“So just talk to me,” he said. “No, not you!” he snarled at one of the woke leftists who had attended on the pretext of ‘writing for a newspaper’ and raised his hand to ask a question. “I’m here, ready to roll over lay down for you, the Great British Public. Simply say ‘Brexit’ three times and cross your fingers, and it will happen.”

“Are you going to call a general election? That’s what the people want!” yelled the woke leftist desperately, as Sunak’s goons dragged his sorry arse out of the door to deposit him on the Tufton Street pavement.

“No,” replied Sunak.

He’s going down, down, deeper and down.

THREE WORD WISDOMS : Downing Street has been on the back foot in the polling for months now, with many speculating that the dire polling will lead to world beating PM Rishi Sunak delaying the next GE as long as passible.

”It’s about focusing on the people’s priorities,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one wants to risk missing a GP appointment they’ve waited months for just to vote. Under our FPTP system most of the votes are a waste of time anyway. Never mind the fact that if you forget your ID you won’t be able to vote, and you’ve missed the GP! We’re just trying to look after the hardworking British taxpayer.”

The slogan is certainly memorable and follows on from such wonders of government as “Get Brexit Done” and “Stop The Boats”.

But while rent a gobshites at the Telegraph and Spectator are sure to pen endless articles telling people that voting has had its day, not everyone is convinced.

”Are slogans a system of government,” one random man told LCD Views, “or just a convenient distraction away from the fact that the only thing they ever seem to achieve is personal enrichment off our hard work?”

He’s clearly a lunatic, so we won’t be talking to him again.

”Stop The Votes is Churchillian,” the Downing Street spokesman continues. “GE’s were not held during WW2. Churchill’s government focused on the people’s priorities then too. Stop the boats was exactly what it was all about. Then it was U-Boats. Now it’s rubber dinghies containing former British Army interpreters we chose to abandon to the Taliban. The same thing.”

It’s not entirely clear what parliament, the courts or the King will think about the decision to cancel the next GE. But then, all sorts of batshit fascist stuff has been happening at an accelerating rate for years and no-one has really bothered to step in. So potentially it’ll just be business as usual in Brexitannia…

Perception Is King : There’s no barriers to what you can achieve if you perceive no barriers to what you want to achieve. The United Kingdom’s permanent Prime Minister, Rishi “I can comb my own hair” Sunak, is a living embodiment of the wisdom of this.

“We’re all breathing a sigh of relief at CCHQ, I can tell you,” a source inside the ruling party headquarters told LCD Views. “All those ghastly polling projections of a massive defeat at the next GE have turned out to be completely false. Just wishful thinking on Labour’s part. While Starmer is busy ruining the economy of the future, Sunak is spending his time ensuring that can’t happen. It’s what the British people want.”

The decision to pass a law stating that Sunak won the next General Election will be seen, it is hoped, as more proof that Sunak is indeed the change prime minister the UK has been searching for. A beautiful butterfly.

“It wasn’t much of a leap for the PM,” the source continues. “Whatever mess he creates he just buys a solution to it. He just has to believe he can solve it and he does. So, how to solve the problem of losing a future general election? Just believe you’ve won it and make it so. In. Law. After all, it’s how Rwanda instantly became the refugee paradise Sunak always claimed it to be, in spite of the naysayers. It didn’t even cost Sunak anything. Not even political credibility. Which is just as well! Now when you look at your mortgage rates or the turds bobbing in your local stream, you can be reassured the problem is in hand. And you don’t even have to bother voting accordingly. Extremely efficient. If you don’t agree we’ll just pass a law to say you do.”

A perfectly fine, modern, representative democracy. In action.

Furthermore, the new electoral law has no time limit, so it is open for Sunak to win as many future general elections as he pleases. Today.

“Some in the party are urging him to declare he has won the next five or six general elections too. Let’s stop wasting taxpayer’s hard earned money on pointless spectacles like polling booths and send it where it really belongs. Offshore. And don’t worry about it being intercepted by all those small boats, we just wire it electronically. No boat person can intercept it. Your money is in safe hands.”

Quite what the King will think about the subversion of British democracy no one will bother to find out. Because that’s the role of the UK’s head of state. To be very quiet. Very, very quiet.

“If the King does kick off we will just outlaw him. It’s not that hard to govern, really, is it? It’s just about seeing what you can get away with.”

And what of those people creating petitions demanding a general election?

“They’re happy too. They just had it.”

THE BLAIR SWITCH PROJECT : The Middle East will just have to sort out its own issues now, as Britain’s greatest living former PM and Noble Peace Prize runner-up 2001-2007, Tony “T Bone” Blair, has accepted the offer of becoming the UK’s Defence Secretary.

”Of course the Middle East is in uproar over the move,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “they don’t know how they’ll get on without Blair’s magic touch as peace envoy. But charity begins at home. And if things do get a bit rum there it’s not like we’ll stop selling them bombs.”

However, eyebrows have been raised over Mr Blair’s appointment to the cabinet, given he is no longer a sitting MP, and should the great offices of state really be filled by just calling up the King and interrupting his morning nap?

”That’s easily fixed,” the spokesman explains. “Ignore the concerns. Blair was made a Lord this morning. Viscount Blair of Cordouroy I believe. The handle doesn’t really matter. And it shows great cross-party consensus at a time when the UK needs the proven men of the history books back in charge. You know the ones, the change makers. The ones remembered for doing something profound when others wouldn’t have. On brand for brand Rishi. Back to the future. It’s not like Rishi is a lost little rich boy incapable of projecting the gravitas to conceal his glaring errors. That’s not why he is appointing former PMs to the cabinet.”

But other critics have queried exactly what Viscount Blair will get up to, given the UK is already involved in both the Ukraine War and Gaza.

”That just allows him to get out of the blocks at a sprint. No need to cook up any dodgy dossiers! He can focus on the basic tenet of UK involvement in foreign conflict.”

Which is?

”The appearance of concern while making a whopping great profit!”

The move is unlikely to quell the trouble in backbench Tory ranks, already seething over the appointment of Baron Cameron as Foreign Secretary.

”So what? They’ll just have to focus on what’s important and get behind the Prime Minister. How else do they expect to keep their seats in the upcoming GE and all the benefits of office? If you start letting trifles get in the way, like democratic principle, you might find it a bit tricky to land your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jobs. And where will you be then? Apart from hosting a game show called Gammon Quest on GB News.”

Still more critics though believe they’ve seen through the smoke and mirrors to the real motivation for the appointment.

”It’s just another dodge by Sunak to avoid any accountability. Now when the media asks what the Prime Minister is doing about x or y, his spokesman can just say, which Prime Minister? And get out of dodge!”

WOULDA SHOULDA COULDA: A senior Tory MP has claimed that the requirement to show ID before voting suppressed the Conservative vote. He claims that it is ‘underhand gerrymandering of the lowest order’.

“The need to produce ID in order to vote is one of the worst offences against democracy that the last Labour government ever committed,” declared Sir Willie Showacard, MP for Remayners Brecksytte. “I had to resort to bribing the officials before voting this morning. That hasn’t been necessary since the bad old days of the 1970s!”

Sir Willie’s secretary admitted that he had claimed the bribe on expenses, although he had not actually bothered to vote after all.

Further enquiries disclosed Sir Willie’s directorship of YouBribe,com, which claimed to provide ‘Electoral Services’. He was also on record as having received over £50,000 in donations from a company which manufactured ID cards. Unfortunately, it appeared that he, himself, hadn’t acquired one.

Despite all this, Sir Willie was deeply upset about things. “This Woke nonsense must stop!” he grumbled. “The Wokerati would have us carry ID cards to allow us to breathe God’s own air! Where has trust gone? In my day you could trust a gentleman like myself! What’s the world coming to? Britain didn’t become great by pandering to pronouns! We didn’t gain the greatest Empire in the world by making sure people have enough money to live on! This Lefty nonsense must stop! Now! Before it’s too late, and England sinks into obscurity!”

Sir Willie continued by justifying his point of view. “Our natural voters have been prevented from voting!” he shouted. “The old and infirm, the deceased that stayed on the electoral roll! All Conservative votes that have been lost, because their namby pamby bleeding heart so-called carers won’t get them an identity card! This! Is! A! Dis! Grace!”

Sir Willie was wheeled away to attend his Anger Management course.

A STITCH IN TIME : THE UK’S GREATEST CURRENT TORY PRIME MINISTER has been banned by authorities from her planned redecoration of 10 Downing Street.

The unusual move by the Property and FUBAR Facilities Department at Westminster was made after Ms Truss and her Chancellor decided to redecorate the UK economy on Friday.

“Have you seen what they’ve done with the UK’s flooring? The colour of the walls? The flipping curtains?” a source inside PFFD told LCD Views. “I mean the Johnsons would have done us all a favour by just vomiting all over Downing Street in one of their frat house parties during lockdown and calling it a postmodern paint job, instead of that celebrity makeover artist. Truss is worse. Much worse. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. Never. Ever.”

The major concern appears to be what Truss/Kwarteng have done with the colour range of the pound.

“It’s all red, red, red. It’s really garish. I can barely look at it. And don’t get me started on what they’ve done with the gilts in the WC’s! FFS. It’s like they gave a starving pig a paint brush and a pot of actual human blood and expected it to write Shakespeare on a Picasso canvas. I can barely make head or tails of what is happening. I think apart from just banning the Truss’s from redecorating we should go a lot further. Take a leaf out of Ripley’s book in Aliens.”

How so?

“Take off into space and nuke it all from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. But wait until they’re all gathered at the Tory Party conference first. Leak those plans and see what happens to the pound!”

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND IT…: Many people seem to be of the dazzling belief that the UK is solely governed by inadequates who are opposed by people who seem to believe, since 2010, that agreeing with the most batshit idea the Tories have is the way to oppose. Austerity. Brexit. Constructive during world beating death toll pandemic. Silent on industrial action. Well. The list of mistakes is long on both sides. But to believe this means the political class are not up to the job, as a collective, is to make a serious mistake. A mistake which fails to see the genius at the heart of the Conservative operation.

Even now as the UK gears up for a long and unhappy winter of fuel bills worthy of mortgages and withering trade with a tyrannical, rules based Europe, the Tories are planning to blind you to the new reality the aged, Thatcher porn watching membership is planning to force upon us. A Liz Truss premiership.

What will the UK voters think, all of them, not just the small cabal who elect our PM’s, if they can Liz Truss in action with real power? Or even Rishi “Born to Rule” Sunak? Once the U-turns and about faces and failures begin in earnest, the day they take office, it’s going to be difficult to hold onto office! Old Bojo has pretty much holed the Titanic below the waterline already, and he did it without an iceberg, or the Atlantic (well, maybe some help from across the Atlantic; all those dodgy “think tanks”).

But you won’t see the grisly reality unfold if you can’t see in the dark. And you won’t be able to see in the dark in a blackout because the candles will be in short supply most likely, due to nothing functioning anymore after 12 years of Tory adherence to failed ideology.

“This is why we’re foreshadowing winter blackouts now,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views. “If the UK is in the dark then who will see the Liz Truss premiership?”

Genius.