Category: Democracy

1,000 YEAR HEIST : Downing Street have moved to pour oil on waters troubled by the proposed law on mandatory photo ID for voting.

Speaking to themselves, online bots and the braying jackasses that blithely voted for them to rule forever, in spite of their leader being in a fridge, a source moved to reassure anyone who doesn’t want to live in an autocracy.

“You can just calm down now,” the source soothed, “the con job is complete. We have taken back control of the country for as long as we want and there’s not a God damn thing you can do about it. There were things you could do about it. But.”

But as we don’t have a written constitution that sets out maximum term limits for a government, we’re now reliant on their good graces.

“We’ll be amending the fixed term parliament act to state an election will be held every ten years sometime next summer when Brexit isn’t getting done,” they continued, “probably for 10 years, maybe 100, maybe 1,000? Who can say. We haven’t made it up yet. It will depend on the economic conditions at the time.”

But surely the voters must have a right to pass judgement on your governance?

“Holy shit. Do you really believe that? Jesus wept. How naive are you? Oh my God. Get out of here. No. No. That’s over now. The UK is now a managed democracy for at least the next one thousand years. Ha! Enjoy your servitude as I’ll enjoy my tax haven. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Well I don’t think people should be forced to get voter ID. The only serious electoral fraud is by those in and close to government.

“Yeah. Yeah. Good luck. Stop fretting over it. We’re not having anymore elections anyway.”

Global Britons. Is this what you voted for?

FLAP CAPS AND FERRETS AND VICTORY : LABOUR COMMENTATORS ACROSS THE SOCIAL MEDIA MEGASPHERE have been fast with the megaphone advice to the party over what sort of leader could reverse their decline.

“Clearly we need a northerner,” one busy body revealed, “we didn’t lose our voters in swathes across the North and Midlands because Jeremy Corbyn was as good as leader as Dominic Raab is a navigator. It’s because his accent was wrong. Otherwise it’s obvious the voters would have trusted him to lead them through the dark. He seems so certain of his direction. Just his bloody London accent!”

‘appen!

“And we didn’t lose millions of voters because we spent years refusing to comment coherently on UK politics all consuming issue, Brexit, and then finally unveiled a two-facing policy that promised to drag the issue on for ages. While famous Manchurian Boris Johnson was simply promising to get it sorted. We lost the voters because Jeremy Corbyn was never once pictured with a ferret. Unlike Boris Johnson.”

Eh?

“And so it’s obvious. The voters in the North and the Midlands want a Northerner or at least someone from Watford. That’s where the north begins. Everyone commenting from London knows that.”

Flippin’ eck!

“Personally I’ll call up Geoffrey Boycott and see if he’s free for the next five years. He’s loved by everyone and his reputation for leadership and concern for others is second to none.”

Open the window, someone’s guffed a big one…

We here are LCD Views would like to commend the people offering the advice. Jeremy Corbyn didn’t lose because he came across about as useful as a chocolate teapot. He lost because he didn’t speak in a northern accent, unlike the famous fridge fancier Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

But we do have just one word of advice.

Next time you’re faced, as the official opposition, in a hung parliament with a government that is determined to ignore all incidents and evidence of electoral crime and dark money fuelled, micro-targeted social media manipulation, maybe call it out?

The centre and left of it have been very busy being all right about everything the last few years. The ruthless syndicate now installed in Downing Street has been busy pursuing an ‘ends justify the means’ strategy, and now they have their end and we need someone to unify the opposition and take them on. Fast. And it doesn’t actually matter in what accent they do it.

We’re headin’ to the dale for a walk, are ya comin?

You wot mate?

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : AS THE ATOMIC FALLOUT of last Thursday’s general election settles in a thick blanket across the country there’s welcome news from the official opposition party.

“Labour are having a leadership election,” a source inside the party told LCD Views, “we’re really excited. We’ve been without a leader for almost five years. And given that Boris Johnson now has an eighty seat majority in the HoC, and is certain to start tearing at all the checks and balances, safety nets and ladders, we better get a wriggle on.”

But while many greet the news with approval, and no small measure of excitement, some are worried that the party may intentionally choose someone no one will like, outside of the party. Because what the voters think doesn’t really matter. It’s about purity of essence, Mandrake. It’s about winning the argument, in your own mind at least.

We here at blowhard dad central have a handy (initial) guide for how to get it right.

1. Elect someone who will oppose a ruinous, hard right, disaster capitalist project, the mandate for which was won with the involvement of electoral crime in an advisory poll wedded to gallons of snake oil, and not someone who will think, fantastic, maybe if we’re cunning enough we can turn it into Lexit!
   
   You may not have had to worry about losing your leave voters so much if you hadn’t spent over three years validating the project.
   
   Next time, choose someone, who seeing a whole array of weapons being handed to them by the government, will decide to use them.
   
   Years of fence sitting, so as to appeal to a split electorate, but while also morally validating your opponent’s project by pretending you can turn it into something magic, guess what, that’s not leadership. Voters look for leadership. Pick a side and fight it. Or your voters may go to the other side.
   
   The constructive ambiguity also allows a vindictive media to paint you how they want people to see you. You’ve intentionally made a void and expected your enemies not to fill it?
   
   
2. Elect someone unlikely to say comrade, ever. You want to win back your disaffected working class, patriotic swing voters. If there is ever another general election.
   
   
3. Don’t pick someone who seems happy, or oblivious, to his/her activists telling any supporters raising concerns to f off and vote for the other side. They may just get fed up enough to do it.
   
   
4. If you’re going to endlessly list the long list of obstacles and biases working against you, maybe look to build friendships with other parties and make common cause against your common foe?
   
   The enemy of my enemy and all that…if other parties are offering you an electoral alliance for a one off event, like a general election, swallow your pride and do it.
   
   5. Choose someone who actually wants to be prime minister.

Good luck. Your country needs it.

GOLDEN DUMP : Newly returned English prime minister Boris Johnson has spoken out today to reassure voters over all the racism.

“It’s just a tool,” he explained, “you can either target the progressive swing vote to win an election or the gammon. Progressives are too busy being right and won’t coalesce easily. Gammon will easily mould into one sweaty, salty lump. Much easier to mobilise. Gobble. Gobble. Yum.”

But while an explanation of his MO was welcomed, it didn’t reassure anyone worried about all the racism, but.

“Oh, that’s real. But it’s equal opportunity racism. If you’re not me, you’re worth less and deserve the prejudice. But you see, where Labour went wrong, was they picked the wrong racism to be branded with. Why do you think I predominately target non-white groups? Think about the swing vote that’s given me a majority so large publications like this one will soon be outlawed under laws to do with respecting the government?”

https://mobile.twitter.com/lukepagarani/status/1205487970897342464?s=21

Whether or not he will continue in this way, now he has complete control of the country, isn’t clear.

“It depends on the day and what I perceive to be in my self interest. Good thing I’m a narcissist or I’d worry about the harm my words cause to ordinary people on the street, but”

As to the rest of us? We can distract ourselves with the food riots that will follow getting Brexit done.

“You won’t be wringing your hands over my racism when you’re basting a rat! Global Britain! What ho! We’re the chosen people, don’t you know.”

X MARKS THE BLOB : A British man is reportedly in a weak and wobbly condition today after suffering from a horrible nightmare during the night.

The man, father of an indeterminate number of children, has been described by locals as an autocratic mop of spaff, bad intentions, desperate insecurities and fascist leanings and is said to have woken screaming next to someone’s wife, or his younger mistress, or a rescue dog that’s been gaffer taped to his leg, or just a big wine spill on a sofa.

“It seems he was dreaming about a fantasy ballot card,” a source inside the home told LCD Views, “and all the choices were unpalatable and he had to choose all of them in his dream. That is why he woke up. He couldn’t face the rest of the dream.”

Although other people, who have known the man for some time, say it sounds like he got away lightly.

“There are so many other boxes that could have been on the ballot paper. His career and personal life is an endless train wreck for other people. And his promises aren’t worth dirt. It’s all starting to mount up. Oh, and he’s happy to risk the breakdown of the actual UK to feed his ego and to fuel racism and race based attacks on the streets. All up it’s a walking, talking bucket of sick with ruffled hair.”

But in spite of the nightmare it is believed he has already voted in the general election, being held today, although curiously not in his home constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.

“That’s because there were no fridges available in the area that are big enough to hide in in case he gets scared,” the insider explained, “he comes across all tough, but he’s really just a little spoiled brat.”

Let’s get parliament working again, is the cry from Boris Bollocks Johnson. This, don’t forget, is the man who prorogued parliament to stop it from doing its job.

Meanwhile, Bollocks has decided to hold an election, during which period parliament will not sit. These are the actions of a man who does not want parliament to operate at all.

It’s such a load of nonsense that it deserves to be plastered on the side of a big red bus.

Joining it will be all the promises of extra nurses, police, funding and so on. Numbers so fanciful that they may have been crunched by Diane Abbott herself.

Bollocks’ nose grows another inch every time he says “Let’s Get Brexit Done”. His proboscis currently circles the globe three and a half times.

Let’s Get Brexit Done, or LGBD, is a carefully chosen slogan. In the words of Bollocks himself, it’s a crude attempt to attract the votes of tank topped bum boys.

LCD Views naturally wanted to find out what passes for the truth these days, from the horse’s mouth. Our Verifiable Veracity correspondent sought out Captain Bullshit for an explanation.

“It’s, erm, well, yes indeed, absolutely, golly, erm, no, yes,” confirmed Bollocks himself. “I closed parliament to get it working again. It’s the same with, erm, technology and stuff, isn’t it, that’s what Jennifer Arcuri told me – allegedly, ha ha! – you turn it off and turn it on again. Works with all the fillies, erm, well, yes, what was the question again?”

We showed him a picture of the relevant headlines, but he pocketed the device, in order to provide a demonstration of the Tories’ policy with regards the NHS.

Fortunately he did return the device, albeit minus the photos and the contact details of all our female acquaintances.

Interestingly, “Let’s get Brexit done” is an anagram of “Bots entered ex gilt”.

PURITY OF ESSENCE MANDRAKE : The flurry of polls that come out each and every day have so far masked one of the more important aspects of the current general election campaign.

They’ve focused predominately on the daily argy-bargy of the GE campaign, the rising and falling of the stars on show, but little attention has been given to studies about what UK voters anticipate to come after the result is in.

Thankfully the University of East Fukit, located in the town of Fukitmore, in the county of Fourfuksak, has turned the attentions of its newly created polling department to assessing the reactions to various outcomes from the varied, possible GE results.

“Clearly it’s still all to play for,” head of the department, Professor Ohmygod, told LCD Views, “any outcome, from a Tory majority which releases a face eating plague upon the country, to a Labour one which sees FDI evaporate overnight, due to the current Labour leadership’s almost total silence on Tory electoral lawbreaking, is possible. But the hottest of the potatoes is surprisingly focused on what academics will make of a Tory victory.”

And it seems the expectations here are very straightforward.

“People are eagerly anticipating all the robust academic studies that will follow the GE result which will prove, without fail, that if the current Labour leadership had gotten off its high horse and engaged in marginal seat electoral pacts, not only would the Tories have been completely humiliated at the GE, but Labour would have won a majority.”

As it stands that’s unlikely, everyone must just vote for Labour, because party allegiance, and road to Damascus conversions, are more important than getting the Tories out.

“Well, it all depends on how hard you really want to get the Tories out, doesn’t it? Working with other parties Labour could see Raab, Rees-mogg, IDS, Redwood, Gove and even Boris Johnson booted out, but they’d just have to accept the price of that will be allowing opposition parties to win some other seats they were never going to win anyway.”

That’s tough.

“I’d say it’s blinding, bloody obvious if you want to get the Tories out.”

But maybe it’s more important that the supporters of Corbyn, and party tribal supporters of the other leaders, get to feel more virtuous? Even if they will then be eating rat under a Boris Johnson majority? At least they will be able to entertain themselves blaming each other? What’s so bad about that?

“Quite a lot, judging by our data. Grass roots campaigners from all parties are pulling together in various areas, and all the opposition parties in England, Wales and NI, bar Labour, have agreed to work together in dozens of seats. But what would totally do for the Tories, and most likely see Corbyn enter Downing Street, would be for the biggest opposition party to get involved.”

If that doesn’t happen, we will just have to pin our hopes on the common sense of the ordinary voter…

GET DEMOCRACY DONE : The power is in the hands of the people this month as UK voters go to the polls for the third time in five years as the fixed term parliament act continues to blaze like a bin on fire.

“You need to be careful to mention that the power is not just in the hands of the people,” a Downing Street source interrupted, helpfully, “it’s also in the hands of foreign kleptocrats and tax-dodging billionaire media moguls. Oh, and clearly in the hands of social media megaliths who are currently unaccountable to anyone. This is democracy!”

And the key question in this national act of democracy will be, have the UK voters had enough of Stockholm syndrome? Or are they now well beyond any thoughts of escaping the hole in the basement floor? Do they now cry, “Right now!” when the figure looms over shouting about putting lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?

“It’s hard to say,” our head political analyst comments, in between wondering if its time to stockpile toilet paper again, “Labour are determined that everyone will love Jeremy Corbyn as much as the people who love Jeremy Corbyn love Jeremy Corbyn. Even though, it’s patently obvious that Keir Starmer with this GE manifesto would smash it out of the park,

“The Tories are determined that no one cares much about anything anymore. Society is dead. And Boris “the lying shambles shagger” Johnson is the headstone on the grave,

“Do we want to get the shovels and dig society back up and see if there’s a pulse? We better bloody hope there’s enough ressurectionists out there or the future of the UK looks very grim,

“And the Libdems? Well, no one is quite sure who whispered in Jo Swinson’s ear that being the boring party, with an appeal to sanity that the massive swing vote turns to in times of desperation with the big old duopoly, is for the birds? Let’s go for winner takes all!

“So that’s just confused the electorate too. And they better hope that enough look at the manifesto by December 12th,

“Basically, everyone is just confused, worrying if there’s enough idiots in the electorate to vote for a Con slogan and take their chances with Priti Patel and Matt Hancock sequencing their genomes and locking the gates,

“Oh, and a lot are thinking can we just make Sturgeon and Lucas joint rulers for the next five years and see what they make of it? It’s a right old mess. But there is a way out. And I’ve already mentioned it. It’s the shovels.”

And what’s on the shovels?

“They have VOTE TACTICALLY FOR WHOEVER CAN UNSEAT A TORY.”

Dig for Britain it is again then? And you can do it with your vote.

What’s in a name, asked Shakespeare. Some of the star-cross’d lovers of democracy hurtling for a messy end think it’s important. Tory party chairman James Cleverly, for one.

“It’s important that we project the right image,” he waffled, while the BBC interviewer cooed over him. “Thickley is no sort of name for a public figure of my standing. It might project the wrong impression of me, so I changed it to Cleverly. Clever, don’t you think?”

“Oh yes, yes, yes,” purred the interviewer, approaching orgasm. “Don’t stop! Give me everything you’ve got!”

The BBC later denied that standards of journalism have dropped. Cleverly left the building looking like the cat that got the cream.

“Interviews are a piece of cake,” he remarked to LCD Views’ Slightly More Rigorous Than The BBC correspondent later that day. “You can say whatever you like and nobody checks up on you. Very clever, don’t you think?”

We asked about the Tories’ election strategy.

“Easy!” said Thickley. Sorry, Cleverly. “We make lots of promises, backed up with numbers plucked from the ether, and slag off Corbyn. The press laps it up and we get a free pass. Clever, if I say so myself.”

Has anybody else in the Conservative party changed their name as well?

“Priti Patel has changed her name,” said Cleverly. “I know her background, and it’s not very Priti. Her real name is much too long and, well, Indian, which makes it hard for an Englishman to say. Priti suits her like Cleverly suits me.”

The aura of smugness was overpowering. Do you think it’s big and clever to fake websites and pretend to be a factchecking page and to doctor clips of Labour politicians in action?

“That was my idea!” he bubbled enthusiastically. “Brilliant bit of cleverness, I think you’ll agree. Nobody could ever guess that was me! I expect the whole world now thinks that Labour are shit, and it’s all down to clever old me. I’m the Brain of Braintree!”

What’s in a name? A lying deceitful idiot by any other name would stink as bad.

BRITISH TV GOLD : “We can’t let Sturgeon, Swinson, Lucas and whoever else get involved in the general election TV debate,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views today, “if they do Johnson and Corbyn are both likely to get cranky, on camera, and then less people may vote for them, and more may vote for the women. Heaven forbid.”

Whether or not this is the correct decision by the broadcaster, ITV, or by Labour and the Conservatives, is a source of heated debate, even if the courts have agreed they are not breaking broadcasting law.

“Imagine what they would have chosen as the theme tune?” the source shuddered, “probably Wuthering Heights, maybe ABBA? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Women should be seen in politics, but definitely not heard when the big moments come. Just our luck none of those other parties have a man as leader. We’d be forced to debate them. Be poor form not to. Jolly bad show.”

But what have the leaders of the Tory and Labour Parties chosen as the theme music for tonight’s televised debate?

“Rabbit by Chas and Dave,” the source smiled, “the lyrics really hit the nail on the head.”

Especially the lines…

“coz you wont stop talkin,
why dont you give it a rest?,
you got more rabbit than sainsburys,
it’s time you got it off your chest,
now you is just the kinda girl to break my heart in two,
I knew right off when I first clapped my eyes on you,
but how was I to know you’d bend my earholes too?,
with your incessant talking,
you’re becoming a pest“

“Definitely,” the source agreed, “sums it up nicely. Women with informed opinions. Makes you shudder. You’ve seen how flustered both of the men get when they’re faced with them. Could be a polling disaster. Bad enough having to listen to them rabbit on in Parliament. On the rare days these days when it’s actually sitting.”

Like most issues currently on the political landscape, it’s a divisive one. And given that Sturgeon, Swinson and even Lucas potentially hold the keys to Downing Street on December the 13th, thanks to what is likely to be a strong wave of tactical voting this GE, perhaps the men running the old duopoly of UK politics should have been forced to face them. Live. In front of a studio audience…