Category: Democracy

ARISE SIR STACEY123456789 : About time too! This year’s Honours List has some welcome, and long overdue, names as millions of social media bot accounts are to be rewarded with knighthoods.

And it is not just the bot accounts that are seeing their services acknowledged. Paid trolls and even some individual personalised, micro-targeted political ads are getting gongs.

“Few have done more to advance the cause of Brexit than Maxkleptocrat15675,” a Downing Street source recognised, “whether it’s repeating ‘you lost, get over it” fourteen thousand times in reply to questions relating to just in time supply chains, or lately calling for unity now that Brexit is done, it’s time St George flag profile Max, loves ‘random minor football team, free speech, veterans and puppies’ was rewarded. He’ll be scrubbed and set to work on the Trump2020 campaign shortly. This knighthood will give him extra cred.”

And the knighting of fictional, digital pretend people whose sole purpose is to muddy the waters of political discourse, in order to help a global hard right elite reduce ordinary voters rights to rubble, will drag the monarchy into the modern age.

“Clearly the Queen isn’t going to be able to physically knight them,” the source admitted, “so we’re designing an emoji they can put in their profiles to show they’ve been gonged. Why don’t you enter our exclusive online competition with your own design?“

Sounds great! How about a pile of 🔥 📚? Or the name of that famous how to guide, 1984?

“Fantastic ideas. But enter them on the website please. Just be sure to fill in all the innocent data harvesting info first 😇. I can’t tell you how happy I am that the last parliament did sod all about making our democracy secure against modern threats to democracy or my friend Truthmattors345678 wouldn’t be getting a gong!”

WAIT FIVE YEARS AND TRY AGAIN : Cross channel relations are at a low ebb today and not because of Brexit.

Well, not entirely.

The cause of the latest trouble appears to be the decision to publish French translations of “The British Guide to Political Protesting” and make them available for purchase before Christmas.

Initially it was thought the furore was a result of the insult of the translation. It’s well known that all French people speak and read English, but just a lot choose not to.

To patronise in this way by a publisher based in a country famous for sending tourists abroad with a megaphone shouting “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” to people with a different native language appears not to be the issue. Although it maybe salt, it’s not the wound.

We phoned up our Paris correspondent to learn more.

“The French health service is better funded and better politically valued than the NHS,” Mr Englishman said, “especially with the current overriding politically driven UK government policy of publicly pretending to want to provide a national health service while actually carrying on like wood lice burrowing through the floorboards.”

We know we this already. What’s the new problem?

“The problem is the publication of the guide has put an unprecedented strain on French A&E departments as unwitting French persons receiving the book for Christmas read it and injure themselves laughing.”

Chapter Headings such as, ‘Wait Five Years While You’re All Corralled Into Fascism and Hope to Vote Again” and “One polite protest every six months will do it” while the UK is being intentionally and systematically dismantled democratically have caused mass outbreaks of broken ribs and streaming tear ducts.

Perhaps if enough people had decided enough was enough when evidence of criminality in the EUref came to light the guide book may have been less dangerous.

1,000 YEAR HEIST : Downing Street have moved to pour oil on waters troubled by the proposed law on mandatory photo ID for voting.

Speaking to themselves, online bots and the braying jackasses that blithely voted for them to rule forever, in spite of their leader being in a fridge, a source moved to reassure anyone who doesn’t want to live in an autocracy.

“You can just calm down now,” the source soothed, “the con job is complete. We have taken back control of the country for as long as we want and there’s not a God damn thing you can do about it. There were things you could do about it. But.”

But as we don’t have a written constitution that sets out maximum term limits for a government, we’re now reliant on their good graces.

“We’ll be amending the fixed term parliament act to state an election will be held every ten years sometime next summer when Brexit isn’t getting done,” they continued, “probably for 10 years, maybe 100, maybe 1,000? Who can say. We haven’t made it up yet. It will depend on the economic conditions at the time.”

But surely the voters must have a right to pass judgement on your governance?

“Holy shit. Do you really believe that? Jesus wept. How naive are you? Oh my God. Get out of here. No. No. That’s over now. The UK is now a managed democracy for at least the next one thousand years. Ha! Enjoy your servitude as I’ll enjoy my tax haven. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Well I don’t think people should be forced to get voter ID. The only serious electoral fraud is by those in and close to government.

“Yeah. Yeah. Good luck. Stop fretting over it. We’re not having anymore elections anyway.”

Global Britons. Is this what you voted for?

FLAP CAPS AND FERRETS AND VICTORY : LABOUR COMMENTATORS ACROSS THE SOCIAL MEDIA MEGASPHERE have been fast with the megaphone advice to the party over what sort of leader could reverse their decline.

“Clearly we need a northerner,” one busy body revealed, “we didn’t lose our voters in swathes across the North and Midlands because Jeremy Corbyn was as good as leader as Dominic Raab is a navigator. It’s because his accent was wrong. Otherwise it’s obvious the voters would have trusted him to lead them through the dark. He seems so certain of his direction. Just his bloody London accent!”

‘appen!

“And we didn’t lose millions of voters because we spent years refusing to comment coherently on UK politics all consuming issue, Brexit, and then finally unveiled a two-facing policy that promised to drag the issue on for ages. While famous Manchurian Boris Johnson was simply promising to get it sorted. We lost the voters because Jeremy Corbyn was never once pictured with a ferret. Unlike Boris Johnson.”

Eh?

“And so it’s obvious. The voters in the North and the Midlands want a Northerner or at least someone from Watford. That’s where the north begins. Everyone commenting from London knows that.”

Flippin’ eck!

“Personally I’ll call up Geoffrey Boycott and see if he’s free for the next five years. He’s loved by everyone and his reputation for leadership and concern for others is second to none.”

Open the window, someone’s guffed a big one…

We here are LCD Views would like to commend the people offering the advice. Jeremy Corbyn didn’t lose because he came across about as useful as a chocolate teapot. He lost because he didn’t speak in a northern accent, unlike the famous fridge fancier Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

But we do have just one word of advice.

Next time you’re faced, as the official opposition, in a hung parliament with a government that is determined to ignore all incidents and evidence of electoral crime and dark money fuelled, micro-targeted social media manipulation, maybe call it out?

The centre and left of it have been very busy being all right about everything the last few years. The ruthless syndicate now installed in Downing Street has been busy pursuing an ‘ends justify the means’ strategy, and now they have their end and we need someone to unify the opposition and take them on. Fast. And it doesn’t actually matter in what accent they do it.

We’re headin’ to the dale for a walk, are ya comin?

You wot mate?

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : AS THE ATOMIC FALLOUT of last Thursday’s general election settles in a thick blanket across the country there’s welcome news from the official opposition party.

“Labour are having a leadership election,” a source inside the party told LCD Views, “we’re really excited. We’ve been without a leader for almost five years. And given that Boris Johnson now has an eighty seat majority in the HoC, and is certain to start tearing at all the checks and balances, safety nets and ladders, we better get a wriggle on.”

But while many greet the news with approval, and no small measure of excitement, some are worried that the party may intentionally choose someone no one will like, outside of the party. Because what the voters think doesn’t really matter. It’s about purity of essence, Mandrake. It’s about winning the argument, in your own mind at least.

We here at blowhard dad central have a handy (initial) guide for how to get it right.

1. Elect someone who will oppose a ruinous, hard right, disaster capitalist project, the mandate for which was won with the involvement of electoral crime in an advisory poll wedded to gallons of snake oil, and not someone who will think, fantastic, maybe if we’re cunning enough we can turn it into Lexit!
   
   You may not have had to worry about losing your leave voters so much if you hadn’t spent over three years validating the project.
   
   Next time, choose someone, who seeing a whole array of weapons being handed to them by the government, will decide to use them.
   
   Years of fence sitting, so as to appeal to a split electorate, but while also morally validating your opponent’s project by pretending you can turn it into something magic, guess what, that’s not leadership. Voters look for leadership. Pick a side and fight it. Or your voters may go to the other side.
   
   The constructive ambiguity also allows a vindictive media to paint you how they want people to see you. You’ve intentionally made a void and expected your enemies not to fill it?
   
   
2. Elect someone unlikely to say comrade, ever. You want to win back your disaffected working class, patriotic swing voters. If there is ever another general election.
   
   
3. Don’t pick someone who seems happy, or oblivious, to his/her activists telling any supporters raising concerns to f off and vote for the other side. They may just get fed up enough to do it.
   
   
4. If you’re going to endlessly list the long list of obstacles and biases working against you, maybe look to build friendships with other parties and make common cause against your common foe?
   
   The enemy of my enemy and all that…if other parties are offering you an electoral alliance for a one off event, like a general election, swallow your pride and do it.
   
   5. Choose someone who actually wants to be prime minister.

Good luck. Your country needs it.

GOLDEN DUMP : Newly returned English prime minister Boris Johnson has spoken out today to reassure voters over all the racism.

“It’s just a tool,” he explained, “you can either target the progressive swing vote to win an election or the gammon. Progressives are too busy being right and won’t coalesce easily. Gammon will easily mould into one sweaty, salty lump. Much easier to mobilise. Gobble. Gobble. Yum.”

But while an explanation of his MO was welcomed, it didn’t reassure anyone worried about all the racism, but.

“Oh, that’s real. But it’s equal opportunity racism. If you’re not me, you’re worth less and deserve the prejudice. But you see, where Labour went wrong, was they picked the wrong racism to be branded with. Why do you think I predominately target non-white groups? Think about the swing vote that’s given me a majority so large publications like this one will soon be outlawed under laws to do with respecting the government?”

https://mobile.twitter.com/lukepagarani/status/1205487970897342464?s=21

Whether or not he will continue in this way, now he has complete control of the country, isn’t clear.

“It depends on the day and what I perceive to be in my self interest. Good thing I’m a narcissist or I’d worry about the harm my words cause to ordinary people on the street, but”

As to the rest of us? We can distract ourselves with the food riots that will follow getting Brexit done.

“You won’t be wringing your hands over my racism when you’re basting a rat! Global Britain! What ho! We’re the chosen people, don’t you know.”

X MARKS THE BLOB : A British man is reportedly in a weak and wobbly condition today after suffering from a horrible nightmare during the night.

The man, father of an indeterminate number of children, has been described by locals as an autocratic mop of spaff, bad intentions, desperate insecurities and fascist leanings and is said to have woken screaming next to someone’s wife, or his younger mistress, or a rescue dog that’s been gaffer taped to his leg, or just a big wine spill on a sofa.

“It seems he was dreaming about a fantasy ballot card,” a source inside the home told LCD Views, “and all the choices were unpalatable and he had to choose all of them in his dream. That is why he woke up. He couldn’t face the rest of the dream.”

Although other people, who have known the man for some time, say it sounds like he got away lightly.

“There are so many other boxes that could have been on the ballot paper. His career and personal life is an endless train wreck for other people. And his promises aren’t worth dirt. It’s all starting to mount up. Oh, and he’s happy to risk the breakdown of the actual UK to feed his ego and to fuel racism and race based attacks on the streets. All up it’s a walking, talking bucket of sick with ruffled hair.”

But in spite of the nightmare it is believed he has already voted in the general election, being held today, although curiously not in his home constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.

“That’s because there were no fridges available in the area that are big enough to hide in in case he gets scared,” the insider explained, “he comes across all tough, but he’s really just a little spoiled brat.”

Let’s get parliament working again, is the cry from Boris Bollocks Johnson. This, don’t forget, is the man who prorogued parliament to stop it from doing its job.

Meanwhile, Bollocks has decided to hold an election, during which period parliament will not sit. These are the actions of a man who does not want parliament to operate at all.

It’s such a load of nonsense that it deserves to be plastered on the side of a big red bus.

Joining it will be all the promises of extra nurses, police, funding and so on. Numbers so fanciful that they may have been crunched by Diane Abbott herself.

Bollocks’ nose grows another inch every time he says “Let’s Get Brexit Done”. His proboscis currently circles the globe three and a half times.

Let’s Get Brexit Done, or LGBD, is a carefully chosen slogan. In the words of Bollocks himself, it’s a crude attempt to attract the votes of tank topped bum boys.

LCD Views naturally wanted to find out what passes for the truth these days, from the horse’s mouth. Our Verifiable Veracity correspondent sought out Captain Bullshit for an explanation.

“It’s, erm, well, yes indeed, absolutely, golly, erm, no, yes,” confirmed Bollocks himself. “I closed parliament to get it working again. It’s the same with, erm, technology and stuff, isn’t it, that’s what Jennifer Arcuri told me – allegedly, ha ha! – you turn it off and turn it on again. Works with all the fillies, erm, well, yes, what was the question again?”

We showed him a picture of the relevant headlines, but he pocketed the device, in order to provide a demonstration of the Tories’ policy with regards the NHS.

Fortunately he did return the device, albeit minus the photos and the contact details of all our female acquaintances.

Interestingly, “Let’s get Brexit done” is an anagram of “Bots entered ex gilt”.

PURITY OF ESSENCE MANDRAKE : The flurry of polls that come out each and every day have so far masked one of the more important aspects of the current general election campaign.

They’ve focused predominately on the daily argy-bargy of the GE campaign, the rising and falling of the stars on show, but little attention has been given to studies about what UK voters anticipate to come after the result is in.

Thankfully the University of East Fukit, located in the town of Fukitmore, in the county of Fourfuksak, has turned the attentions of its newly created polling department to assessing the reactions to various outcomes from the varied, possible GE results.

“Clearly it’s still all to play for,” head of the department, Professor Ohmygod, told LCD Views, “any outcome, from a Tory majority which releases a face eating plague upon the country, to a Labour one which sees FDI evaporate overnight, due to the current Labour leadership’s almost total silence on Tory electoral lawbreaking, is possible. But the hottest of the potatoes is surprisingly focused on what academics will make of a Tory victory.”

And it seems the expectations here are very straightforward.

“People are eagerly anticipating all the robust academic studies that will follow the GE result which will prove, without fail, that if the current Labour leadership had gotten off its high horse and engaged in marginal seat electoral pacts, not only would the Tories have been completely humiliated at the GE, but Labour would have won a majority.”

As it stands that’s unlikely, everyone must just vote for Labour, because party allegiance, and road to Damascus conversions, are more important than getting the Tories out.

“Well, it all depends on how hard you really want to get the Tories out, doesn’t it? Working with other parties Labour could see Raab, Rees-mogg, IDS, Redwood, Gove and even Boris Johnson booted out, but they’d just have to accept the price of that will be allowing opposition parties to win some other seats they were never going to win anyway.”

That’s tough.

“I’d say it’s blinding, bloody obvious if you want to get the Tories out.”

But maybe it’s more important that the supporters of Corbyn, and party tribal supporters of the other leaders, get to feel more virtuous? Even if they will then be eating rat under a Boris Johnson majority? At least they will be able to entertain themselves blaming each other? What’s so bad about that?

“Quite a lot, judging by our data. Grass roots campaigners from all parties are pulling together in various areas, and all the opposition parties in England, Wales and NI, bar Labour, have agreed to work together in dozens of seats. But what would totally do for the Tories, and most likely see Corbyn enter Downing Street, would be for the biggest opposition party to get involved.”

If that doesn’t happen, we will just have to pin our hopes on the common sense of the ordinary voter…

GET DEMOCRACY DONE : The power is in the hands of the people this month as UK voters go to the polls for the third time in five years as the fixed term parliament act continues to blaze like a bin on fire.

“You need to be careful to mention that the power is not just in the hands of the people,” a Downing Street source interrupted, helpfully, “it’s also in the hands of foreign kleptocrats and tax-dodging billionaire media moguls. Oh, and clearly in the hands of social media megaliths who are currently unaccountable to anyone. This is democracy!”

And the key question in this national act of democracy will be, have the UK voters had enough of Stockholm syndrome? Or are they now well beyond any thoughts of escaping the hole in the basement floor? Do they now cry, “Right now!” when the figure looms over shouting about putting lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?

“It’s hard to say,” our head political analyst comments, in between wondering if its time to stockpile toilet paper again, “Labour are determined that everyone will love Jeremy Corbyn as much as the people who love Jeremy Corbyn love Jeremy Corbyn. Even though, it’s patently obvious that Keir Starmer with this GE manifesto would smash it out of the park,

“The Tories are determined that no one cares much about anything anymore. Society is dead. And Boris “the lying shambles shagger” Johnson is the headstone on the grave,

“Do we want to get the shovels and dig society back up and see if there’s a pulse? We better bloody hope there’s enough ressurectionists out there or the future of the UK looks very grim,

“And the Libdems? Well, no one is quite sure who whispered in Jo Swinson’s ear that being the boring party, with an appeal to sanity that the massive swing vote turns to in times of desperation with the big old duopoly, is for the birds? Let’s go for winner takes all!

“So that’s just confused the electorate too. And they better hope that enough look at the manifesto by December 12th,

“Basically, everyone is just confused, worrying if there’s enough idiots in the electorate to vote for a Con slogan and take their chances with Priti Patel and Matt Hancock sequencing their genomes and locking the gates,

“Oh, and a lot are thinking can we just make Sturgeon and Lucas joint rulers for the next five years and see what they make of it? It’s a right old mess. But there is a way out. And I’ve already mentioned it. It’s the shovels.”

And what’s on the shovels?

“They have VOTE TACTICALLY FOR WHOEVER CAN UNSEAT A TORY.”

Dig for Britain it is again then? And you can do it with your vote.