Category: Democracy

Brown paper packages tied up with strings attached? Naturally. Nobody wants their Sovereignty to come undone so soon after getting it back.

The private delivery companies tasked with delivering the Sovereignty are taking extra care with the precious packages. Normally they do almost half as good a job as the old Royal Mail, for only just over twice the price. This time they have pinky promised not to chuck the packages in the bin or dump them in a layby.

Every household should receive a big box on Monday morning. What will receiving your Sovereignty feel like? Our No Expense Spent reporter spoke to Sovereignty expert Gottar Cuntribach.

“It will give you a nice warm glow,” claimed Cuntribach. What, the sovereignty? “No, stepping back inside your nice warm house.”

What will happen when excited householders actually open their boxes? Will Rule Britannia play?

“To be honest, nobody really knows,” said Cuntribach with refreshing honesty. “Nobody has ever seen Sovereignty, except the one and only true Son, who is Nigel Farage. It is rumoured that if you did see it, you would die on the spot. But that’s not what this is all about!”

Which begs the question, what is all this really all about?

“Taking back control of our feudalism,” replied Cuntribach. “If it’s good enough for Saint George, it’s good enough for the rest of us.”

Saint George, that well known foreigner who never even set foot in the country…

“Details, details!” replied Cuntribach. “Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1399!”

The British people have, with the slenderest justification possible, exchanged their place at the top table for Mr Burns’ Mystery Box. The public, well, 52% of them anyway, are agog with anticipation.

Will it contain unicorns, blue passports, fish and chips in newspaper, sunlit uplands, and a plethora of celebratory 50 pence pieces? Or are we all suffering from empty box syndrome? We’ll have to wait and see!

EVER STRONGER UNION OF EQUALS : Whoever the leaders are (English media unable to inform) of the Welsh Assembly and that place in Northern Ireland are reportedly furious today after a serious snub from 10 Downing Street.

The insult appears to be the decision to order a massive Saint George Cross to fly over Edinburgh Castle from 11pm (CET) on the 31st January 2020, but no such command given to whoever organises national symbols of ever closer union in the other places.

“It’s a classic Dom for sure,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “dom as in dominion. Although this is more about reassurance than unnecessary triumphalism.”

The flying of the English flag and not the Union Jack is believed to offer additional comfort to Scots who may lately have become confused over how much autonomy they can expect going forward.

“Boris isn’t going to put up with any mouthy jocks ruining his endless bunga bunga party in Downing Street,” the source goes on, “let’s start as we mean to go on. Children should be seen and not heard. Or in Mr Johnson’s case neither seen nor heard.”

It’s additionally believed Nicola Sturgeon will be placed in manacles and paraded down Pall Mall on the 31st as the English nationalist victory over the Scots beds in.

Enough words, like all the English plebs about to lose FOM, and all the other rights you can keep if born rich enough, the Scots need to feel the boot of the toffs. The people have decided.

“That’s about creating a sense of shared powerless for all. Some would say moving to a more empowered system, regionally speaking, would secure the Union going forward, but Boris favours a more 18th century approach.”

The flag itself will be manufactured out of the used bed sheets of Jacob Rees-mogg to ensure it carries the right vibe north of Hadrian’s Wall.

Mark Francois is tipped to unfurl the giant St George and shout “BONG!” over and over as he does. Any Scots who fail to also shout bong will have their names noted down and access to Irn-Bru restricted to remind them of who is the boss of who.

However you plan to celebrate English independence from a shared international framework of minimal rights and freedoms, just make sure it’s bonkers.

HOME AND HOSED : Global Britons are once again celebrating today by displaying to the world how a modern representative democracy goes about its business.

The latest total win occurred late yesterday afternoon when Prime Minister for life, Boris ‘how many kids and what does that say about a person’ Johnson, set himself up for a tough grilling from carefully selected members of the public asking deep and searching questions via social media.

A far better use of his time then attending select committees in parliament.

Mercifully no earnest, but misguided patriot bothered with such trivial matters like, where is the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK democracy? What’s happening with the Acuri investigations? Why do you have a policy platform and just ‘f*ck business’, and what does such a careless attitude to other people’s lives and livelihoods say about you?

Even, does being born with a silver spoon in your mouth make it easier to destroy the hard work of others?

No. The big questions rained down like candy floss mortar fire and Mr Johnson was up to the challenge.

“I use…um..ah…what was the question again? Shampoo? Right. Yes. Baaa haaa!Like Theseus battling Medusa in a shiniest hair contest, with no mirrors, that’s right isn’t it? How long do we have left? Now, what was it? Shampoo. Yes. Of course. There will be no border in the Irish Sea. You can massage your scalp with it. That’s it. That one.”

This is all of course being broadcast around the world and helping to let everyone know just where Global Britain is positioned in the challenging landscape of the 21st Century.

“Too right too,” our political analyst chipped in, having watched the Boris show, “it’s good to set a benchmark early. I wager that Boris Johnson attempting to answer the question, what shampoo do you use, is set to be the highpoint of parliamentary as well as media scrutiny in 2020.”

Hiving off means hiving off, and so the seat of government could be leaving the Capital. For convenience, the Commons may well end up in the popular seaside resort that is Mustique.

Convenience is the official explanation. “Remoaners are always complaining that Boris Johnson spends too long on holiday and not enough time at work,” explained Downing Street ‘source’ Lou Swimmin. “If his plan comes to fruition, then he will be able to do both. Simultaneously.”

But other considerations are in play.

“Obviously Mustique isn’t yet in England,” admitted Swimmin. “This means that you need a visa to get to work, and we simply won’t grant one to anybody we don’t like.”

It’s clearly a win win situation.

“Even better, Boris Johnson has a big plan in place,” she continued. “Some of the untold riches generated by Brexit will be spaffed – sorry, wrong word – spent – that’s the one! – on a bridge from Mustique directly to Laura Kuenssberg’s office cum Brexiter pamper chamber.”

This will allow the British public to know exactly what Johnson wants you to think.

What is less well known is that Johnson was unusually decisive over the location. The decision only took four weeks.

“The debate has been raging ever since the election victory,” Swimmin admitted. “All sorts of places were discussed. Mar-a-Lago was a favourite for a while, but even the Daily Mail might have realised that there was a connection to Donald Trump, so that was rejected.”

Nambia was rejected for the same reason.

Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested that the Commons move to the 17th century. Mark Francois voted for Butlins. Many people proposed the Sunlit Uplands.

An anonymous person put Brussels forward, but this was rejected for being too silly.

In the end, Johnson was forced to take back control of the situation and use his prime ministerial veto.

It really doesn’t matter, so long as it’s as far removed from democracy as possible.

SACRE NERR : GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE FRANCE DOES NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that weeks of French protestors protesting against pension age reform has borne fruit. The fruit being Macron drawing back from plans to make them all work a little bit longer, but nowhere near as long as what the British public is prepared to swallow in order to help billionaires stop paying tax.

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to quash a reform that has proven so unpopular people protested for weeks,” a Downing Street source said, “this has no application in Mighty Brexitannia because the non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from Downing Street is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and action to distract should be taken.

“Mr Johnson is going to attach a miniature replica of Big Ben to his todger and bong it,” the source said, “that’s the front runner. Other ideas include deporting Kate and William. I mean how much distraction has the other pair provided? Jesus wept. No one is asking about our make believe plans for the country or the Russia report. It’s mint!”

It’s clear action needs to be taken. Otherwise anti-Brexit protestors may get the crazy idea that one polite protest every six months simply wasn’t enough? Just like a couple of big ones weren’t enough to stop the Iraq War, and maybe a more determined approach is needed? And that we should emulate the French?

Here at LCD Views we are happy to help.

France, does not, exist. There.

For his part fictional British prime minister, Boris Johnson, has advised his make believe equivalent, Macron, to just “Get pension reform done”. There, that’s that sorted and back to Mustique.

Busy Boris Johnson has, allegedly, returned from his elongated holiday. A global crisis was not enough to get him to send a sympathy card to Qassem Soleimani’s family. But, according to an anonymous Downing Street “source”, he is back in the UK and has set his alarm for Prime Minister’s Questions.

PMQs is an anachronistic ritual in which the Prime Minister is questioned and expected to answer. Johnson has shown his support for this tradition by staying away, as he cannot then be accused of lying.

However, the first PMQs of the year is different. Johnson has been warned that if he doesn’t turn up this time there is no point calling it Prime Minister’s Questions. Nobody is interested in Random Numpty’s Questions. So he has set his alarm clock for noon on the dot so he might catch the last five minutes of it.

Johnson apologist Mark O’Vonner explained the PM’s position. “Apart from horizontal, ha ha!” he quipped. “They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Everyone loves someone who isn’t there. That’s why Boris is keeping a low profile, his approval ratings are going through the roof!”

The Soleimani affair is a case in point, claims O’Vonner. “It’s best in such instances to keep out of sight,” he said. “If there is nothing you can say to improve matters, it’s better to say nothing at all. Boris has better things to do with his time than to criticise President Trump or to turn up in parliament.”

Experienced Boris watchers agree that building a bridge from Number Ten to Westminster might be enough to tempt him out of bed and into work a little more often. So when he arrives, several hours late, bleary and tousled from a long morning’s trysting, he can quite literally take the high ground, and be hailed as a hero.

Even better if parliament installs a nice handy fridge in case any of the questions are a bit tricky.

DOPE EL BANG ER : A 10 Downing Street source has confirmed today that bored prime minister Boris Johnson has employed a lookalike.

“They will play the part of being Boris Johnson, joke prime minister for Little Ingerland, just until the next general election campaign,” the Downing Street source confirmed, in a statement as reliable as any lately.

The reasoning behind the surprising move on the part of the eternal boy king is believed to not be out of any concern for Mr Johnsonov’s personal security.

“He’s well tight with international kleptocratic clique currently running the majority of English speaking democracies, you dig?” the source elaborated, “he just can’t be arsed to do the job. Having to cut short his poontang session in Mustique was a serious drag man. Hey, do you think my boxers should be showing more or less above my trousers? Yo? Don’t tune me out daddy. I’m a hard source. I’m the man who runs the man.”

We left the Downing Street source to it at that point.

LCD Views would like to congratulate the prime minister for the original thinking behind the move.

“It will keep the creative industries thriving even after Brexit,” a Brexit specialist commented, in between grating their nose with a cheese grater, “we don’t think the lookalike needs to look that like Mr Johnson. They just need a smattering of misunderstood classical references and a smirk. Oh, and be able to use their arms in a distracting way at times of crisis. Any minor talent can play the role. Good luck to them.”

But Mr Johnson will return when it’s time to campaign in another general election. Be it this year, next or actually when the UK is a complete bin fire of neoliberal, greed is good crap in 2024. Should this administration of chancers stagger that far.

After all, when it comes time for Boris to just be Boris, only the original idiot will do.

A knight to remember? Flip-flopping Brexit numpty Nigel Farage, disappointed that his name is not on the leaked honours list, has added his details in the hope that an honour will follow.

“My name should be right up there!” coughed an irate Farage through a cloud of fag smoke. “After all, Brexit was my idea, my big plan, and would have been an outstanding success if only I had been appointed to take charge of the process!”

It’s unfortunate that Nige never managed to get elected to parliament, or he might have had a chance to influence matters.

“I would have been an independent consultant, free from political influence,” he added. “I’m the People’s Politician, you should see the crowds that flock to see me wherever I go!”

So should you, Nige. Your Great Gammon Army must number at least fifty, and that’s when Wetherspoons isn’t open.

“I’m the great Brexit crusader!” he claimed. “I’m making Britain great again, all on my own, with very little help from American money or dodgy Russian businessmen!”

We ask remember your Great Brexit crusade, Nige. The scantily attended one where you gave up after a mile or two.

“So I’m adding my name and address to the list,” he concluded. “So The People can come round mine to protest on my behalf while I’m away sunning myself in the Caribbean. Like Brexit, it’s as good as done!”

LCD Views naturally wanted to speak to his supporters, so we went round his house to test the mood of his fans.

“We’ve been here since 3am!” said one protestor proudly. “Haven’t we, Derek?” she said to the other.

“Yes, we always look forward to the sales, don’t we, Barbara?” Derek replied.

“No, we want that Nigel Farage chap to get a knighthood, that’s why we are here,” Barbara retorted.

“Bollocks to that, I’m off to Spoons, you coming?”

“All right then,” she said, and the entire protest trudged away sadly.

We can only surmise that Nigel’s knighthood got lost in the post.

ARISE SIR STACEY123456789 : About time too! This year’s Honours List has some welcome, and long overdue, names as millions of social media bot accounts are to be rewarded with knighthoods.

And it is not just the bot accounts that are seeing their services acknowledged. Paid trolls and even some individual personalised, micro-targeted political ads are getting gongs.

“Few have done more to advance the cause of Brexit than Maxkleptocrat15675,” a Downing Street source recognised, “whether it’s repeating ‘you lost, get over it” fourteen thousand times in reply to questions relating to just in time supply chains, or lately calling for unity now that Brexit is done, it’s time St George flag profile Max, loves ‘random minor football team, free speech, veterans and puppies’ was rewarded. He’ll be scrubbed and set to work on the Trump2020 campaign shortly. This knighthood will give him extra cred.”

And the knighting of fictional, digital pretend people whose sole purpose is to muddy the waters of political discourse, in order to help a global hard right elite reduce ordinary voters rights to rubble, will drag the monarchy into the modern age.

“Clearly the Queen isn’t going to be able to physically knight them,” the source admitted, “so we’re designing an emoji they can put in their profiles to show they’ve been gonged. Why don’t you enter our exclusive online competition with your own design?“

Sounds great! How about a pile of 🔥 📚? Or the name of that famous how to guide, 1984?

“Fantastic ideas. But enter them on the website please. Just be sure to fill in all the innocent data harvesting info first 😇. I can’t tell you how happy I am that the last parliament did sod all about making our democracy secure against modern threats to democracy or my friend Truthmattors345678 wouldn’t be getting a gong!”

WAIT FIVE YEARS AND TRY AGAIN : Cross channel relations are at a low ebb today and not because of Brexit.

Well, not entirely.

The cause of the latest trouble appears to be the decision to publish French translations of “The British Guide to Political Protesting” and make them available for purchase before Christmas.

Initially it was thought the furore was a result of the insult of the translation. It’s well known that all French people speak and read English, but just a lot choose not to.

To patronise in this way by a publisher based in a country famous for sending tourists abroad with a megaphone shouting “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” to people with a different native language appears not to be the issue. Although it maybe salt, it’s not the wound.

We phoned up our Paris correspondent to learn more.

“The French health service is better funded and better politically valued than the NHS,” Mr Englishman said, “especially with the current overriding politically driven UK government policy of publicly pretending to want to provide a national health service while actually carrying on like wood lice burrowing through the floorboards.”

We know we this already. What’s the new problem?

“The problem is the publication of the guide has put an unprecedented strain on French A&E departments as unwitting French persons receiving the book for Christmas read it and injure themselves laughing.”

Chapter Headings such as, ‘Wait Five Years While You’re All Corralled Into Fascism and Hope to Vote Again” and “One polite protest every six months will do it” while the UK is being intentionally and systematically dismantled democratically have caused mass outbreaks of broken ribs and streaming tear ducts.

Perhaps if enough people had decided enough was enough when evidence of criminality in the EUref came to light the guide book may have been less dangerous.