Category: Democracy

EXTERMINATE : The Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten away with it again after everyone went down the rabbit hole of her beauty largesse on the Home Office credit card and ignored more worrying expenses.

Closer examination of the public expenses record by our non-existent expert has revealed a much more expensive and dangerous outlay.

“She spent three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds at a shop called ‘Daleks R US’,” our expert discovered. “Closer inspection of the detail of the mammoth charge reveals it was to purchase a private militia.”

It seems the Home Secretary spent the vast and fabricated sum after a week of “lax, pussyfootin’ about and totally unacceptable” policing by Avon and Somerset Police in Bristol.

“The major concern seems to be how late in the evenin’ the police are takin’ to turn up with horses, do’s and riot shields,” our expert continues. “Ms Patel anticipates her private militia will deal with the troublemakers much more expediently. They will also be shouting exterminate over and over, which will make for much better footage when it’s shared amongst cackling Tory MPs on WhatsApp.”

But while the expense is plainly justifiable and the private militia are expected to deal with the hippy layabouts in a way that will be red meat for the Tory base, there is one note of concern.

“The protestors are apparently planning to peacefully protest tonight atop of some stairs. It’s uncertain how Ms Patel’s private militia will cope with that obstacle.”

EARLY INTERVENTION : Great news today for infants with the announcement by Downing Street that the long mothballed Sure Start programme is to be rebooted, albeit it with a different focus.

“From 9am this morning a battalion of specially trained officers from the Home Office will be in attendance at all hospital maternity wards,” a Downing Street source says. “They will be recognisable by their Union Flag patterned uniforms and the decks of playful cards they will be brandishing. These are also flag patterned.”

The officers are tasked with ensuring all newborns in Brexit Britain receive immediate education on how to recognise the flag.

“It’s all very well being able to recognise your mother and father but if you can’t go gaga over the Flag of Union the moment you take your first patriotic look at the greatest country on earth then you’re off to a rocky start. We aim to fix this.”

It is rumoured that several MPs will be on hand to witness the groundbreaking world beating sessions and to clap like seals.

“Police will also be in attendance, undercover as all manner of hospital employees, in case any new parents fail in their patriotic duty and attempt to block the vital work of the flag officers.

“It is hoped in time to advance the programme to pre-natal and have images of flags beamed directly into the womb during ultrasound sessions. We believe with sufficient belief the programme can even discover how to produce Union Flag patterned sperm.”

Some have criticised the move, saying that it would be better to tattoo all breasts with flags so the babies associate nursing with patriotism.

The Home Office has defended itself against that criticism though by pointing out there is currently a shortage of red, white and blue ink as it’s all “being correctly monopolised by food packaging on bananas and other fine British produce.”

HEAVY BREATHING : Breaking news right now that will have all professed patriots hot under the collar and weak at the knees with the discovery the Union Flag has opened a Tinder account.

It’s believed the decision by the flag comes after a swell in its confidence caused by receiving the advances of so many elected representatives all at once.

“It’s believed all Tory MPs, and others, are currently swiping right with hot and heavy hands in the hope of hooking up with the flag,” our proper patriots correspondent reports. “The flag has already been seen in the living rooms of numerous MPs lately, regardless of their marital status. It seems it has decided to step the action up a gear and get proper down and dirty with those that profess to want it the hardest.”

There is yet no comment from the Flag itself, who is believed to be looking down the list of admirers and deciding who really wants it the most.

“It’ll be stiff competition that’s for sure. Maybe the Flag will just play the field and see if it really gels with someone between the sheets. But word to the wise, put Elgar on the stereo and make sure your sheets are also flag patterned. You don’t want to blow your chances of shagging that flag when it’s your turn!”

The only potential problem is just how long you’ll get with the flag as it is also expected to appear in dozens of televised interviews during the week with true patriots.

“Make sure to keep it professional,” our correspondent advises. “No one needs a sex tale scandal of this nature, especially not involving a nationalist.”

Can you feel it? The urge to shag some fabric? The Union Flag knows you can. Go on and admit it and it’s definitely a swipe to the right.

THE PARTY OF LAW AND DISCORD : A new law will enter the United Kingdom’s statute books in the coming days in an attempt to crackdown on voters laughing at Ministers.

“It’s vital when establishing an autocracy that no one laughs at the preening prats placed in positions of power, merely because they are prepared to follow any orders for personal reward,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The law has been nicknamed “STFU YOU PLEBS” by ministers, although Jackboot was also a popular suggestion.

The speedy action comes as a result of two television presenters laughing at Honest Bobbie Jenrick during a television interview. Mr Jenrick was in his fetish palace at the time. Mistakenly the presenters found it ticklish.

“In order for our project of flagshagging crony-capitalism to fully realise itself we need to have our thin skins very well protected,” the source explained. “If other people of status, like BBC presenters, laugh at our idiocy and self-importance the entire facade that conceals our wrongdoings and inadequacy could come tumbling down. So Jackboot it is.”

And the penalty for laughing at a Minister’s flag is certainly stiff enough to dissuade even the most unpatriotic soul.

“If convicted of laughing at a minister’s flag, or any MPs actually, you face a maximum sentence of working under Priti Patel. And few can survive that.”

It’s not all bad though, if arrested, sentenced and convicted you stand the chance of being dismissed with a six figure hush money payout.

“That’s a bit of a lottery though. I wouldn’t risk it. Unless you’ve a thing for being wedgied of course. Then go for it!”

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT: Tory ministers have come under fire for displaying enormous flags. Psychologists are wondering if there might be a corresponding deficiency in other areas of their lives.

“Honest Bob” Jenrick is only the latest casualty. Experts are concerned about his mental health and possible erectile dysfunction after his latest round of flag fetishism extended to displaying a portrait of the Queen.

“The classic response from a man who feels, shall we say, a little inadequate, is to compensate in other ways,” explained leading shrink Dr Luna Tix. “It often happens in middle age. A man, realising that his libido is on the wane, will obtain a motorbike, a sports car, mistresses. He will act like he’s the alpha-est alpha male in the vicinity. He will surround himself with phallic symbols.”

He acts hard, because he’s not getting hard?

“Precisely,” confirmed Dr Tix. “An oversized, erect flagpole signals that even a double dose of Viagra no longer does the business. These inadequate men are screwing the country because they are unable to screw anything else.”

This crude but effective analysis has been challenged by prominent ministers, protesting their lack of perceived virility too much.

“Patriotism is measured by the flag,” protested Jingoism Minister John Bull, resplendent in Union Jack suit, waistcoat and tie. “The more flags the better, and the bigger the flagpole the better. It’s simple. It’s nothing to do with inadequacy, or the fact that my wife is happier with separate beds these days.”

So you aren’t compensating for anything?

“Of course not,” said Bull, pulling another couple of flags into position behind him. “That’s better, I can feel a real swelling of, erm, pride coming on now. It’s just that I’m overwhelmed with work right now!” He pulled on a simply massive Union Jack hat and sighed with joy.

It’s funny, really. But you mustn’t laugh, in case you make these little men feel even more inadequate, and feel obliged to send you an ironically stiff letter signed by all their little friends.

PANTS FIRE ETERNAL : SHOCKING news today with the announcement of an inquiry into whether or not the last British prime minister, Boris Johnson, lied.

Shortly after 6am GMT today at an abandoned warehouse in a derelict docklands area a press conference was held with nobody present to announce the result of the inquiry.

We watched a live stream of the event as we could not afford the armoured car and security detail needed to navigate our way into and out of the unknown area.

We can exclusively present an excerpt of the inquiry’s findings below.

“It will not surprise to many who have watched the career of the UK’s court jester come king to hear we have concluded that the prime minister lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying relating to an appearance in the House of Commons wherein he is accused of lying when he gave a statement about a charge of lying about lying over an earlier incident where he lied when addressing accusations that he was lying over the findings of a study into him lying about lying to do with a situation where he claimed he misspoke, but as he had repeated the same statements numerous times, in various forms and contexts, it has been decided he was lying when he addressed the issue of whether he lied or told the truth about lying regarding charges he lied when addressing the accusations that he was lying about lying…”

Unfortunately we only have the excerpt of the press conference regarding the result of the inquiry as midway way through the statement the feed was cut and a photo of a shimmering Union Jack took its place.

The findings of the inquiry will be shocking to any intelligent life form existing beyond Bettlegeuse when the footage eventually reaches their receivers light years from now.

The prime minister is expected to address the inquiries later with a minimum of four flags behind him to distract you from the fact that whatever he says, he’ll probably be lying.

You’ll be able to decide this for yourself by watching very closely to see whether nor not his lips are moving.

TESTING TIMES REQUIRE TESTS : There’s a lot of talk about flags these days, as the United Kingdom rides on its unicorn across the sunlit uplands of Brexit.

Too many flags some say. Even humble vegetables have to scream out their patriotism. Not enough flags others are clearly thinking, because the old flag of Union is popping up more and more. We thought we would devise a quick quiz to help you decide if you’re getting it just right with your visible displays of patriotic fervour.

This is important because if you don’t wrap yourself in the flag people may not lend sufficient credibility to what you say. People may question your motives. But if the flag is present you are instantly, magically imbued with all of its positive associations. More importantly, no one can then contradict anything you say or do!

Of course simple flag displays may not be enough for you to prove how much you love your country. You could go further and simulate the physical act of love with the flag, as the former President Donald Trump did on stage in America. Certainly a master of the flagshag.

But what about you?

We are all about helping you today. Please take a moment to take our quiz and decide if you are a Union Jack Off!

QUIZ

Question 1. “Do you display the Union Jack in your living room? Or an alternative room in your house when you know that other people will be watching you over Zoom?”

Answer : Yes – CONGRATULATIONS! You are a Union Jack Off! You are well on your way to tarnishing the United Kingdom’s flag by associating it with all the grubby little things you are doing! Based on this answer we suspect you maybe a serving UK parliamentary representative? Please claim £1.01 on expenses for your time taking this quiz.

Answer : No – Ms Patel will see you later. And unless you work for her you can not expect a six figure, taxpayer funded pay off to keep you quiet about what happens during the meeting.

Get yourselves a flag and shag it! You too can be a Union Jack Off today!

THE END OF TIME : The UK’s last and most impactful prime minister, Boris Johnson, is not content to just change his official title to ‘Caesar’, he is also taking another leaf out of the ancient ruler’s handbook.

“All world kings get to refurbish the calendar, it’s tradition. Why should it be any different for Boris Johnson?” a Downing Street source asked LCD Views.

We couldn’t think of any reason why not, so we agreed.

“Johnson art was the month the Prime Minister technically got Brexit done and freed our glorious country to re-civilise the world once more. It’s only fitting.”

And it’s not just Mr Johnson that Mr Johnson is honouring.

“He’s also renaming other dates in the calendar. September is now Symondsber in honour of his current squeeze. Whether or not she retains the title when he decides to sire another child and moves on is a problem for another day.”

Other key allies also get a look in, with Friday the 13th becoming a public holiday in honour of Priti Patel each time it occurs. Which is nice.

“We’re looking into renaming the days of the week too. The smart money is on selling the honours to Tory donors. Buy a day? What about Monday? Rename it after yourself. Most of them don’t know what to do with the PPE windfalls, so we expect a competitive market.”

What the rest of the world thinks of the PM’s plans isn’t clear though, with some concerned they may refuse to follow suit.

“Why do you think we’re buying extra nukes? The rest of the world will come to heel by next Johnsonary or we’ll ask the Yanks for the codes to the bad boys Johnson is spending the nurses’ pay rise on.”

STONE COLD CRAZY: The monstrous regiment of far left militant women must be guarded against. Every statue must be guarded carefully in case dear old Queen Vic turns out to be a killer queen in disguise. 

The public has been put on high alert. The male public, at least. In an update of McCarthy’s ‘reds under the bed’, every man must suspect his wife, sister, mother, daughter, mistress, of being a stormtrooper in stilettos. 

Under new emergency regulations, metallic paint may only be sold to men, and under licence. Street performers will be outlawed. It’s a policy that can’t possibly misfire. 

On the south coast, people were outraged. “This is trendy town, London on sea!” grumbled South Downs stalwart Lewis Sussex. “How will Brighton rock without its statues and street art?” 

In Glasgow the population suffered a sheer heart attack. “There’s no way you can be a tenement funster if all the girls are a potential enemy!” claimed tenement dweller Clyde Bridge. “This is destroying a whole way of life.” 

The brains behind the scheme is the famously world beating intellect belonging to Priti Patel. 

“Dear friends,” started the Prittster, sounding hostile and unfriendly. “This is all because women have been gettin’ ideas above their station. Women should be stayin’ in the kitchen, lookin’ after their families, and keepin’ their big fat gobs shut. No, of course the rules don’t apply to me,” she snapped, dismissing the obvious retort with a flick of the wrist. 

On the positive side, statues reported that they felt much safer.” Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around,” remarked leading statue Stan Donaplinth.” Not that I have much choice about it, but at least I’m no longer frightened of being thrown into the river by a bunch of militant feminists.” 

Who is going to protect us? Ultimately it’s in the lap of the gods. 

WEDGIE CENTRAL : The Home Secretary, known in mature Westminster circles as the “Prittster”, is said to be so concerned by the police behaviour at the Clapham vigil last Saturday night that she is to become personally involved in police training.

The decision to get hands on will be welcomed by officers who have come under considerable criticism for what some have viewed as bullying behaviour towards women. The focus has been made sharper by the light touch approach they have previously taken with crowds of football fans.

“Priti is too busy deciding which rights to tear up next to be interrupted from her important work by such irritations as out of control coppers,” an aide to the Prittster tells LCD Views. “She also has a short list of her own staff to bully daily, she doesn’t need the extra work. She’s already refining her techniques to save the public money. You can only have so many six figure pay outs.”

To sort the bullying situation the Home Secretary will give personal classes to the Met officers in how to behave.

“The most important feature of being a bully is not to terrorise people you perceive to have less power than yourselves, although that is very important. The badge of success though is to get away with it. Then you get to do it again. And again.”

The classes will start immediately and any police officer who falls below the standard expected by the Home Secretary will be for it.

“They’ll be locked in a toilet cubicle during lunch break. They will be let out sooner or late, but they’ll be giving a royal flush first. Ms Patel will be hands on with the punishments and the beatings will continue until morale improves.”