Category: Democracy

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT: Tory ministers have come under fire for displaying enormous flags. Psychologists are wondering if there might be a corresponding deficiency in other areas of their lives.

“Honest Bob” Jenrick is only the latest casualty. Experts are concerned about his mental health and possible erectile dysfunction after his latest round of flag fetishism extended to displaying a portrait of the Queen.

“The classic response from a man who feels, shall we say, a little inadequate, is to compensate in other ways,” explained leading shrink Dr Luna Tix. “It often happens in middle age. A man, realising that his libido is on the wane, will obtain a motorbike, a sports car, mistresses. He will act like he’s the alpha-est alpha male in the vicinity. He will surround himself with phallic symbols.”

He acts hard, because he’s not getting hard?

“Precisely,” confirmed Dr Tix. “An oversized, erect flagpole signals that even a double dose of Viagra no longer does the business. These inadequate men are screwing the country because they are unable to screw anything else.”

This crude but effective analysis has been challenged by prominent ministers, protesting their lack of perceived virility too much.

“Patriotism is measured by the flag,” protested Jingoism Minister John Bull, resplendent in Union Jack suit, waistcoat and tie. “The more flags the better, and the bigger the flagpole the better. It’s simple. It’s nothing to do with inadequacy, or the fact that my wife is happier with separate beds these days.”

So you aren’t compensating for anything?

“Of course not,” said Bull, pulling another couple of flags into position behind him. “That’s better, I can feel a real swelling of, erm, pride coming on now. It’s just that I’m overwhelmed with work right now!” He pulled on a simply massive Union Jack hat and sighed with joy.

It’s funny, really. But you mustn’t laugh, in case you make these little men feel even more inadequate, and feel obliged to send you an ironically stiff letter signed by all their little friends.

PANTS FIRE ETERNAL : SHOCKING news today with the announcement of an inquiry into whether or not the last British prime minister, Boris Johnson, lied.

Shortly after 6am GMT today at an abandoned warehouse in a derelict docklands area a press conference was held with nobody present to announce the result of the inquiry.

We watched a live stream of the event as we could not afford the armoured car and security detail needed to navigate our way into and out of the unknown area.

We can exclusively present an excerpt of the inquiry’s findings below.

“It will not surprise to many who have watched the career of the UK’s court jester come king to hear we have concluded that the prime minister lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying relating to an appearance in the House of Commons wherein he is accused of lying when he gave a statement about a charge of lying about lying over an earlier incident where he lied when addressing accusations that he was lying over the findings of a study into him lying about lying to do with a situation where he claimed he misspoke, but as he had repeated the same statements numerous times, in various forms and contexts, it has been decided he was lying when he addressed the issue of whether he lied or told the truth about lying regarding charges he lied when addressing the accusations that he was lying about lying…”

Unfortunately we only have the excerpt of the press conference regarding the result of the inquiry as midway way through the statement the feed was cut and a photo of a shimmering Union Jack took its place.

The findings of the inquiry will be shocking to any intelligent life form existing beyond Bettlegeuse when the footage eventually reaches their receivers light years from now.

The prime minister is expected to address the inquiries later with a minimum of four flags behind him to distract you from the fact that whatever he says, he’ll probably be lying.

You’ll be able to decide this for yourself by watching very closely to see whether nor not his lips are moving.

TESTING TIMES REQUIRE TESTS : There’s a lot of talk about flags these days, as the United Kingdom rides on its unicorn across the sunlit uplands of Brexit.

Too many flags some say. Even humble vegetables have to scream out their patriotism. Not enough flags others are clearly thinking, because the old flag of Union is popping up more and more. We thought we would devise a quick quiz to help you decide if you’re getting it just right with your visible displays of patriotic fervour.

This is important because if you don’t wrap yourself in the flag people may not lend sufficient credibility to what you say. People may question your motives. But if the flag is present you are instantly, magically imbued with all of its positive associations. More importantly, no one can then contradict anything you say or do!

Of course simple flag displays may not be enough for you to prove how much you love your country. You could go further and simulate the physical act of love with the flag, as the former President Donald Trump did on stage in America. Certainly a master of the flagshag.

But what about you?

We are all about helping you today. Please take a moment to take our quiz and decide if you are a Union Jack Off!

QUIZ

Question 1. “Do you display the Union Jack in your living room? Or an alternative room in your house when you know that other people will be watching you over Zoom?”

Answer : Yes – CONGRATULATIONS! You are a Union Jack Off! You are well on your way to tarnishing the United Kingdom’s flag by associating it with all the grubby little things you are doing! Based on this answer we suspect you maybe a serving UK parliamentary representative? Please claim £1.01 on expenses for your time taking this quiz.

Answer : No – Ms Patel will see you later. And unless you work for her you can not expect a six figure, taxpayer funded pay off to keep you quiet about what happens during the meeting.

Get yourselves a flag and shag it! You too can be a Union Jack Off today!

THE END OF TIME : The UK’s last and most impactful prime minister, Boris Johnson, is not content to just change his official title to ‘Caesar’, he is also taking another leaf out of the ancient ruler’s handbook.

“All world kings get to refurbish the calendar, it’s tradition. Why should it be any different for Boris Johnson?” a Downing Street source asked LCD Views.

We couldn’t think of any reason why not, so we agreed.

“Johnson art was the month the Prime Minister technically got Brexit done and freed our glorious country to re-civilise the world once more. It’s only fitting.”

And it’s not just Mr Johnson that Mr Johnson is honouring.

“He’s also renaming other dates in the calendar. September is now Symondsber in honour of his current squeeze. Whether or not she retains the title when he decides to sire another child and moves on is a problem for another day.”

Other key allies also get a look in, with Friday the 13th becoming a public holiday in honour of Priti Patel each time it occurs. Which is nice.

“We’re looking into renaming the days of the week too. The smart money is on selling the honours to Tory donors. Buy a day? What about Monday? Rename it after yourself. Most of them don’t know what to do with the PPE windfalls, so we expect a competitive market.”

What the rest of the world thinks of the PM’s plans isn’t clear though, with some concerned they may refuse to follow suit.

“Why do you think we’re buying extra nukes? The rest of the world will come to heel by next Johnsonary or we’ll ask the Yanks for the codes to the bad boys Johnson is spending the nurses’ pay rise on.”

STONE COLD CRAZY: The monstrous regiment of far left militant women must be guarded against. Every statue must be guarded carefully in case dear old Queen Vic turns out to be a killer queen in disguise. 

The public has been put on high alert. The male public, at least. In an update of McCarthy’s ‘reds under the bed’, every man must suspect his wife, sister, mother, daughter, mistress, of being a stormtrooper in stilettos. 

Under new emergency regulations, metallic paint may only be sold to men, and under licence. Street performers will be outlawed. It’s a policy that can’t possibly misfire. 

On the south coast, people were outraged. “This is trendy town, London on sea!” grumbled South Downs stalwart Lewis Sussex. “How will Brighton rock without its statues and street art?” 

In Glasgow the population suffered a sheer heart attack. “There’s no way you can be a tenement funster if all the girls are a potential enemy!” claimed tenement dweller Clyde Bridge. “This is destroying a whole way of life.” 

The brains behind the scheme is the famously world beating intellect belonging to Priti Patel. 

“Dear friends,” started the Prittster, sounding hostile and unfriendly. “This is all because women have been gettin’ ideas above their station. Women should be stayin’ in the kitchen, lookin’ after their families, and keepin’ their big fat gobs shut. No, of course the rules don’t apply to me,” she snapped, dismissing the obvious retort with a flick of the wrist. 

On the positive side, statues reported that they felt much safer.” Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around,” remarked leading statue Stan Donaplinth.” Not that I have much choice about it, but at least I’m no longer frightened of being thrown into the river by a bunch of militant feminists.” 

Who is going to protect us? Ultimately it’s in the lap of the gods. 

WEDGIE CENTRAL : The Home Secretary, known in mature Westminster circles as the “Prittster”, is said to be so concerned by the police behaviour at the Clapham vigil last Saturday night that she is to become personally involved in police training.

The decision to get hands on will be welcomed by officers who have come under considerable criticism for what some have viewed as bullying behaviour towards women. The focus has been made sharper by the light touch approach they have previously taken with crowds of football fans.

“Priti is too busy deciding which rights to tear up next to be interrupted from her important work by such irritations as out of control coppers,” an aide to the Prittster tells LCD Views. “She also has a short list of her own staff to bully daily, she doesn’t need the extra work. She’s already refining her techniques to save the public money. You can only have so many six figure pay outs.”

To sort the bullying situation the Home Secretary will give personal classes to the Met officers in how to behave.

“The most important feature of being a bully is not to terrorise people you perceive to have less power than yourselves, although that is very important. The badge of success though is to get away with it. Then you get to do it again. And again.”

The classes will start immediately and any police officer who falls below the standard expected by the Home Secretary will be for it.

“They’ll be locked in a toilet cubicle during lunch break. They will be let out sooner or late, but they’ll be giving a royal flush first. Ms Patel will be hands on with the punishments and the beatings will continue until morale improves.”

HOLY FATHER WHO ART ON A PLINTH : Women have been causing trouble ever since they were given the vote but Brexit Britain isn’t going to put up with it!

The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Brexitannia is taking a positive step today to remind women where they stand in the list of things that are important. It will do this with our greatest national symbol.

“Brexitannia had to co-op all the aspects of our countries long and glorious past and distil them into something that would only make sense to an idiot,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Unfortunately over recent days too many women are revealing themselves not to be idiots, unless of course they are in government. But we are going to strike back! And strike back fast.”

The form of the response appears to be the decision to blindfold the statue of Winston Churchill so women can’t offend it.

“The offense caused to the statue by the micro-aggressions of protesting women can not be underestimated. Have you seen our latest export figures? Have you heard the rumours of negative interest rates? Do you know of our souring relations with everyone else on planet Earth? This is because women are offending the living statue and the rest of the world isn’t going to stand for it! And neither are we.”

But for those worried about the quality of life of the Winston Churchill statue there is a further measure of reassurance.

“Women will be confined to the home, under curfew, daily at a time to be determined. Presumably at the time the average family normally has its food prepared. During this safe space the statue will have its blindfold removed and a Spitfire paraded before it. By men of patriotic standing. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll have on St George flag t-shirts and massive beer bellies.”

There are further plans to have women who have offended the statue abase themselves before it. They will be revealed in due course, once the statue has recovered from its recent, traumatic experience.

GOOSE STEPPING FOR BREXIT : Great strides this week in the taking back control department as the government seeks to bring in a new law to crush dissent.

The new bill to be introduced, and jammed as rapidly as possible through a parliament of the comatose, will mean dissenters get what’s coming to them in Brexitannia.

“It’s the swill of the people,” Tory MP for Gulag, Lord Phash Boot, told LCD Views. “Making a success of Global Britain is all about fear and intimidation and. Sorry. I misspoke. It’s about crushing dissent as proper in a democracy. Hang on. I shouldn’t have had that E. I keep telling the truth. I’ll get back to you later when I’ve come down.”

Clearly the workings of the Duma can not be interrupted by traitors standing around outside making their voices heard, in response to the deafness of elected officials.

“The workings of the Supreme People’s Assembly must be unhindered by one or two stubborn individuals with a placard who refuse to believe basing your country’s future on lies and electoral fraud will make it a success,” our legal eagle observes.

“This new law to be introduced by Priti Patel will bring down the risk of serious porridge for doing such scandalous things as accurately shouting out descriptions of Tory MPs as they pass.”

10 years?

“Maximum. It may only end up being 9 years with good behaviour. Just watch your language. Don’t use four letter words no matter how instinctive the response when you see a minister. Actually, best not to talk at all. It’s what taking back control is all about.”

SUNLIT UPLANDS: Brexit is done, we are in the promised land, business is booming, the NHS is getting loads of extra dosh. So, if everything in the garden is rosy, why is the government so keen to remove the right to protest? 

“There is literally nothing to protest about,” said everyman Manon de Street. “The only one still protesting is that one chap who still loves the EU, even though we left democratically and everything is much better now.” 

De Street wasn’t the only person utterly confused by the surprise move by the Home Office. 

“To be honest, things have never looked better,” claimed everywoman Lauren Twerself. “I’m already planning local street parties to celebrate our British Fish, British wind, and British ice cubes from Norway, just as soon as covid is done. It won’t be long now, I get instant updates thanks to the 5G chip in the vaccine!” 

LCD Views naturally contacted Priti Patel’s office for an official explanation. 

“Since there is no need to protest in public, ever again, it seemed a good time to slip this legislation under the radar,” said spokesman Litta Lyer. “We are in permanent paradise. Therefore any protests would be fake. This is a public order issue, and we are ordering the public to shut up.” 

The right, now the obligation, to remain silent. That is democracy of course. 

“We have now won the War on Woke,” continued Lyer. “The public must respect this, and go back to sleep. It is not their business to question us!” 

And why would anyone question such a benevolent regime? Money now literally grows on trees, at least if you support the government it does. 

And with the penalty for defacing the statue of a slave trader now set at ten years, our history is safe. 

Everything is wonderful. Pour yourself another glass of British champagne! 

EXIT VIA THE GIFT SHOP : THE ROYAL MINT has released a new bank note this morning to better assist the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care doing his vital work during the pandemic.

The assistance comes in the form of a new bank note, “The Matt”, which is a one million pound note produced specifically for the purchase of PPE from friends of Matt.

“You won’t get this in your change at the off licence, don’t worry!” an aide to the friendly Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Unless you run a shop next to the home of one of Matt’s friends. Or near to where someone who once spoke kindly to Hancock at a party lives. Then I guess you may have to give change in exchange for a Matt.”

While the new banknote is not the first to be issued in the denomination, it is the first to honour a serving secretary of state.

“Matt is really chuffed. He can now pay for PPE supplies, that may or may not work, with cold hard cash. It’s much nicer. More personal than simply moving figures about on a computer screen from the taxpayers’ bank account to some guy who poured him a pint once.”

But there is some hope for ordinary Britons who worry they’ll never get to hold a Matt in their hands, especially now that he’s such a celebrity befriending him is becoming increasingly difficult.

“All is good time. Once the impact of a lethal and bungled pandemic policy and Brexit flow into the domestic economy you’ll be using Matts to pay for loaves of bread. Wheelbarrows of them.”