Category: Democracy

HONOURED MORE IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE: That great statesman, Boris Johnson, confirmed today that standards are optional.

He included this statement in a meandering ramble promoted by a sycophantic back bench lackey.

“Obviously standards are important,” he blustered, with his usual lack of self awareness. “But when the Ministerial Code – which is a voluntary mechanism, after all – gets in the way of day to day business, then it is incumbent upon ministers, wiff waff, erm, erm, yes, no, erm, to ignore it. Ignore it, my friends, with impunity! Omnia mutantur, nihil interit, I say!”

Johnson was gently pressed on the matter. Someone dared to ask him about the Nolan Principles.

“The Nolan Principles?” he replied, momentarily stumped. “If you mean the Nolan Sisters, well, they were some seriously decent totty back in the day!”

By extension, perhaps there are other codes which are past their sell by dates. Public standards expert Manda Torie detailed the situation for LCD Views.

“Any code, such as the Ministerial Code, relies on compliance,” Torie explained. “But codes may be broken, like the Enigma Code, and once they are broken they lose their power.”

That’s a very good point. Which other codes are at risk?

“The Highway Code is essential to road safety,” she replied. “Without it, our roads would resemble a mass brawl in cars, or even worse, Italy. Without common agreement, the Morse Code would be a random series of bleeps, and the Da Vinci Code a load of overblown gibberish.”

And this is why the Ministerial Code is important.

“A chain of command is only as strong as the weakest link,” she clichéd. “And if the links at the head of the chain are removed, then there is no chain at all. The government has broken its links to the country. Democracy is dead!”

Codes advise, ministers decide.

DANCE MACARBE : Reports of CALAMITY last night in the Little England village of Nostalgia after rehearsals for a new dance resulted in a flood of A&E admissions at the nearest hospital.

It’s understood the residents were hoping to build on the success of their VE Day 2020 conga line dance by inventing a new conga to celebrate Brexit at the upcoming festival.

“The dance has been designed by a local man, Mr Amnesia, who added a few extra twists and turns to the classic dance,” our local correspondent reports. “But a printer mishap meant each dancer received a slightly different set of instructions.”

It’s understood those taking part in the rehearsal had memorised exactly the moves they were to make, only many of those moves were incompatible with the ones learnt by others.

“It all started out coherently enough with everyone involved managing to separate themselves by some distance during the first change, the Leave means Leave steps, but it was when they came back together and attempted to move forward all hell broke loose.”

Eye witness accounts say “dancers elbowed each other in the eyes. Accidentally butt punched one another. Someone vomited after punching themselves in the stomach on purpose and then everyone was so desperate to avoid the puddle they just crashed together and went down like a sack of proverbial.”

Further reports of a firearm being discharged and blowing off the user’s foot after being investigated.

“I can confirm that Mr Bluff did cut off his own nose with a rusty razor during the step sequence titled ‘Stuff the French’. A spokesman for the hospital says doctors are attempting to re-attach the body part but the procedure is being complicated by the patient refusing point blank to believe he has cut his nose off in the first instance.”

Many of the injuries were worsened by a delay in seeking help as the dancers accused a small local group called “Remoaners” of being responsible for the catastrophic outcome, but none of them are known to have been involved.

“Further damage was sustained owing to the nearest hospital with an A&E department being over 50 miles distant, as the town’s own A&E was closed recently to make way for a Union Flag superstore.”

The organisers say they intend to continue rehearsals just as soon as they can “get their heads out of their arses”. That condition is said to be “pre-existing”.

OUR FINEST SHOWER : PANIC at 10 Downing Street today after the SHOCKING discovery this morning that the statue of Winston Churchill has left this septic isle.

It’s believed the inanimate lump of metal, which by the way is prized by the Boris Johnson government more than life itself, slipped out of the police cordon sometime during the night.

“The officers were facing outward,” a 10 Downing Street source explains. “You never know when a woman with a banner protesting against violence to women will need to be forced to the ground and sat on by a crack team of riot police. That’s when Churchill left. We’re completely stumped as to why.”

But the departure of the statue looks set to cause a diplomatic incident with reports drifting back across the ENGLISH Channel that it has been sighted in Paris.

“We’ve heard the rumours that the Churchill statue has claimed political asylum in France. That seems highly unlikely to me. Why would he? What’s wrong with the facist leaning nationalism of famous liberal Boris Johnson’s government?”

Quite what measures will be undertaken to locate the statue, and indeed what response will be forthcoming from the executive should the statue be confirmed as having claimed asylum with THE FRENCH isn’t yet clear.

“When the prime minister wakes up for breakfast this afternoon he will be right on top of a detail,” the source reassured.

The Home Office is said to have already swung into action though, with Priti Patel ordering the border force to turn back the statue should it attempt to return by boat.

“As it is now legally an asylum seeker it has become Ms Patel’s natural enemy. Dan the clandestine channel threat commander will be on the lookout. He’ll do anything to get a biscuit or even a new chew toy from his boss.”

The mystery will presumably resolve itself in the hours to come, but it’s likely the statue left in protest, having had enough of living in Boris Johnson’s finest shower.

WHITE OUT : 10 Downing Street has responded today to entirely undeserved criticisms by traitors over the quality of the reports it commissions with a robust defence, in the form of a Downing Street report.

The reports authors were handpicked by the prime minister during the five minutes each day that he almost works. The decision to decide the outcome of the report, before it was undertaken, was also at the direction of the PM.

“This Downing Street reports finds that Downing Street reports are without equal. They are world beating,” one of the reports authors, Mr White Wash, told LCD Views.

“The decision to decide the conclusion of the report was due to our new ramped up reporting procedure. If you don’t have a target when you fire, how can you expect to hit it?”

The report itself sources a wide variety of Downing Street supporters who all concur with the quality of the report and the reports it is reporting upon.

“We hope now that the country can move on from the needless and time consuming nit picking over reports that preceded this report, secure in the knowledge that the reports are all of the highest quality. We know this because we commissioned a report to prove it.”

But detractors have noticed one thing missing from the report into reports.

“Why isn’t it just the image of a Union Flag?” one patriotic Tory MP, Mr Glaf Hags demanded to know?

In response Downing Street have promised to commission a report into the lack of Union Flags on the report into the quality of reports.

“Lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on,” Mr White Wash reassures. “I would stick about but I have to produce a report on how the £2.6m spent on the new briefing room was a bargain.”

GIG ECONOMY POSITION : DOWNING STREET has moved to pour oil over troubled waters today regarding the ongoing furore over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s serial infidelity.

Some dour and prudish types have suggested that a man who is prepared to cheat on a wife undergoing cancer treatment may not be best suited for high office? Happily for Mr Johnson he rules over Brexitannia, so moral standards don’t matter.

“We are moving to quell the ongoing chatter as it’s very distracting for the prime minister when he’s making model buses out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And once the position of the PM’s mistress is a cabinet one then no one can say that whoever it is today is being paid inappropriately from public money. They’ll even get a pension and full job security, well, until the weekly reshuffle of the post.”

The move to make the position a full cabinet one does also show there is an aspirational quality to gig economy jobs.

“Zero hours contract? Random remuneration, but potentially large windfalls for services rendered? Could become an actual member of the government? Why not be a mistress? It’s part of Mr Johnson’s work as a feminist.”

The job title will be Secretary of State for Screwing the Prime Minister, which will see it eagerly sought after by a whole selection of much younger women with interesting friends.

“It needs to be a cabinet position too, as the mistress to the PM can be presumed to have significant political influence.”

The decision is a shock though to some who expected the position to be reverse cowgirl, or any other position found after consulting famous ministerial guide, the Kama Sutra.

OUT OF OFFICE AUTO REPLY : The nation’s shagged out leader, Subprime Minister Boris Johnson, is worried everyone not a multi-millionaire cabinet minister (who may or may not have significant interests in commercial real estate) may have had just a little too much time off work during the plague. He isn’t standing for it.

“He’s actually in any number of positions for it, judging by today’s Arcuri story,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “This interview is invented right? And so off the record. Can we talk about lazy, work shy Brits now? Like the Subprime Minister?”

I think it best.

“Good. It takes one to know one, as they say. And Boris spends most of his time out of the office. You know this because he’s always happy to share the photos of his playtime. And he’s very playful. He needs daily exercise like a dog that needs castrating or it will never calm down. So many legs to shag. All of them. It’s about dominance though, the leg shagging, not just pent up sexual frustration. You get that right?”

He seems a regular expert at work avoidance, to judge by his social media feeds.

“Well a succession of younger blondes with interesting friends don’t just look after themselves. You’re lucky he has any spare time or energy left to think about managing the country as it is. His image is the most important aspect. Don’t you just love him? What a rogue. I mean a less competent prime minister may have seen half a million die over the last year. When you think about chasing that bit of blonde totty that just happened to walk by…wait. Sorry. Let’s keep on top of work shy Brits.”

Please.

“Get back in the office! That’s the message. Just like last summer as the plague was ebbing. Give a kick and get it flowing again. We’ll be rebooting eat out to help out next. With a different title of course, as the last one risks denting Rishi’s prime rep into subprime too. It’s time to move on from that. But not for Boris. He’ll be leading by reverse example.”

What’s he dressing up as next week?

“Monday is a tinker. Tuesday is a tailor. Wednesday is a soldier. Thursday and Friday are top secret. Now back onto the trains and into the office with you. Only the alpha males get to be work shy!”

EXTERMINATE : The Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten away with it again after everyone went down the rabbit hole of her beauty largesse on the Home Office credit card and ignored more worrying expenses.

Closer examination of the public expenses record by our non-existent expert has revealed a much more expensive and dangerous outlay.

“She spent three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds at a shop called ‘Daleks R US’,” our expert discovered. “Closer inspection of the detail of the mammoth charge reveals it was to purchase a private militia.”

It seems the Home Secretary spent the vast and fabricated sum after a week of “lax, pussyfootin’ about and totally unacceptable” policing by Avon and Somerset Police in Bristol.

“The major concern seems to be how late in the evenin’ the police are takin’ to turn up with horses, do’s and riot shields,” our expert continues. “Ms Patel anticipates her private militia will deal with the troublemakers much more expediently. They will also be shouting exterminate over and over, which will make for much better footage when it’s shared amongst cackling Tory MPs on WhatsApp.”

But while the expense is plainly justifiable and the private militia are expected to deal with the hippy layabouts in a way that will be red meat for the Tory base, there is one note of concern.

“The protestors are apparently planning to peacefully protest tonight atop of some stairs. It’s uncertain how Ms Patel’s private militia will cope with that obstacle.”

EARLY INTERVENTION : Great news today for infants with the announcement by Downing Street that the long mothballed Sure Start programme is to be rebooted, albeit it with a different focus.

“From 9am this morning a battalion of specially trained officers from the Home Office will be in attendance at all hospital maternity wards,” a Downing Street source says. “They will be recognisable by their Union Flag patterned uniforms and the decks of playful cards they will be brandishing. These are also flag patterned.”

The officers are tasked with ensuring all newborns in Brexit Britain receive immediate education on how to recognise the flag.

“It’s all very well being able to recognise your mother and father but if you can’t go gaga over the Flag of Union the moment you take your first patriotic look at the greatest country on earth then you’re off to a rocky start. We aim to fix this.”

It is rumoured that several MPs will be on hand to witness the groundbreaking world beating sessions and to clap like seals.

“Police will also be in attendance, undercover as all manner of hospital employees, in case any new parents fail in their patriotic duty and attempt to block the vital work of the flag officers.

“It is hoped in time to advance the programme to pre-natal and have images of flags beamed directly into the womb during ultrasound sessions. We believe with sufficient belief the programme can even discover how to produce Union Flag patterned sperm.”

Some have criticised the move, saying that it would be better to tattoo all breasts with flags so the babies associate nursing with patriotism.

The Home Office has defended itself against that criticism though by pointing out there is currently a shortage of red, white and blue ink as it’s all “being correctly monopolised by food packaging on bananas and other fine British produce.”

HEAVY BREATHING : Breaking news right now that will have all professed patriots hot under the collar and weak at the knees with the discovery the Union Flag has opened a Tinder account.

It’s believed the decision by the flag comes after a swell in its confidence caused by receiving the advances of so many elected representatives all at once.

“It’s believed all Tory MPs, and others, are currently swiping right with hot and heavy hands in the hope of hooking up with the flag,” our proper patriots correspondent reports. “The flag has already been seen in the living rooms of numerous MPs lately, regardless of their marital status. It seems it has decided to step the action up a gear and get proper down and dirty with those that profess to want it the hardest.”

There is yet no comment from the Flag itself, who is believed to be looking down the list of admirers and deciding who really wants it the most.

“It’ll be stiff competition that’s for sure. Maybe the Flag will just play the field and see if it really gels with someone between the sheets. But word to the wise, put Elgar on the stereo and make sure your sheets are also flag patterned. You don’t want to blow your chances of shagging that flag when it’s your turn!”

The only potential problem is just how long you’ll get with the flag as it is also expected to appear in dozens of televised interviews during the week with true patriots.

“Make sure to keep it professional,” our correspondent advises. “No one needs a sex tale scandal of this nature, especially not involving a nationalist.”

Can you feel it? The urge to shag some fabric? The Union Flag knows you can. Go on and admit it and it’s definitely a swipe to the right.

THE PARTY OF LAW AND DISCORD : A new law will enter the United Kingdom’s statute books in the coming days in an attempt to crackdown on voters laughing at Ministers.

“It’s vital when establishing an autocracy that no one laughs at the preening prats placed in positions of power, merely because they are prepared to follow any orders for personal reward,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The law has been nicknamed “STFU YOU PLEBS” by ministers, although Jackboot was also a popular suggestion.

The speedy action comes as a result of two television presenters laughing at Honest Bobbie Jenrick during a television interview. Mr Jenrick was in his fetish palace at the time. Mistakenly the presenters found it ticklish.

“In order for our project of flagshagging crony-capitalism to fully realise itself we need to have our thin skins very well protected,” the source explained. “If other people of status, like BBC presenters, laugh at our idiocy and self-importance the entire facade that conceals our wrongdoings and inadequacy could come tumbling down. So Jackboot it is.”

And the penalty for laughing at a Minister’s flag is certainly stiff enough to dissuade even the most unpatriotic soul.

“If convicted of laughing at a minister’s flag, or any MPs actually, you face a maximum sentence of working under Priti Patel. And few can survive that.”

It’s not all bad though, if arrested, sentenced and convicted you stand the chance of being dismissed with a six figure hush money payout.

“That’s a bit of a lottery though. I wouldn’t risk it. Unless you’ve a thing for being wedgied of course. Then go for it!”