Category: Democracy

WHAT’S SO CIVIL ABOUT WAR ANYWAY : FANTASTIC results in the UK’s local elections this week which have given an overwhelming mandate for the main English political parties to carry on with business as usual. The usual meaning that anyone who wanted to remain in the EU, and anyone who thinks Brexit is a terrible idea now, can just get stuffed. It’s democracy in action. Minority ruling majority. Almost a tyranny.

“It’s just wonderful, so magnificent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Had we suffered heavy defeats we may have had to take stock. And I don’t just mean PPE! Ha! But the public just shrugged and said the corruption and disaster capitalism, the squashing of women peacefully protesting into the turf, all those garbage Brexit promises, treating asylum seekers like animals, all this stuff is just great. Boris is very happy. He’s considering getting an even younger fiancée just for a laugh. He can do anything and the proles just lap it up. They actually seem to like his intentional cruelty. In fact we all are cock a hoop. You should see Priti Patel’s mad little grin. Ear to ear.”

Some have quibbled of course and said that the right to hard right maybe a block vote in the current era but it’s not a majority.

“Who cares? May I introduce you to FPTP at Westminster? The mother of parliaments is a mother man.”

Others have pointed a finger at centre to left parties and said they’d be able to defeat the parties of hate if they just worked together.

“Where’s the fun in that? This way the Corbynistas get to carry on pretending that their man never lost a battle even though he was overwhelming rejected by the electorate. The current Labour leadership gets to pretend that if it’s going to win it needs to chase Johnson’s politics even harder. More flags. More patriotism. More ignoring Brexit. Clearly they haven’t listened hard enough to the red wall who want to be lied to. Start lying. Look at the PM!. And ONLY the red wall exists in English politics. It’s made everything much simpler.”

What the actual majority of the country who aren’t sociopaths or wilfully ignorant, who don’t like punching themselves in the face are supposed to now isn’t that clear.

“Stay apathetic. Don’t vote. Don’t unite. It’s a simple recipe and your Prime Minister is very happy with you. Which is all that really matters.”

Want to buy some democracy? Cash, cheque or wire transfer? The electorate respects it. And the rest of you, the progressives, whatever you do don’t unite, don’t make common cause or you’ll make Boris sad…

DOES IT MATTER? As the Electoral Commission starts to investigate Boris Johnson’s dodgy (allegedly) dealings, the PM is fighting back. He intends to park the bus outside Number Ten to remind the investigators of their place. 

The reliably anonymous Downing Street “source” claimed that the investigators’ place is almost anywhere else. 

Does anybody care? Probably. This is a matter of integrity and honesty, and it is of paramount importance. But the opinion of The People only counts when it coincides with the prevailing orthodoxy. 

Ministers have been probed with questions. “Who initially paid for this ghastly rubbish?” Liz Truss, the pull-string talking Sindy doll of the cabinet, trotted out the same line however many times her string was pulled. Johnson himself lost his rag in the House, and would probably have punched Keir Starmer if it hadn’t been for the covid-proof perspex screens between them. 

“The money was only resting in my account,” reads Dominic Cummings’ retrospectively amended genius flash of foresight, quoting his erstwhile boss. “What should I do, Dom?” Cummings’ alleged reply was “You’re going to need a bigger bus.” 

So a bus it is. Written on one side, in massive letters, will be the legend “Nothing to see here.” On the other side, “I personally endorse, erm, you know, I’m totally in favour of powerful mayors, wiff waff, erm, you know the one I mean. Great Scott!” 

Nobody knows why Johnson is going to pose in front of a big red bus with a humungous fib painted on it. After all, this tactic had absolutely no bearing on the Brexit referendum. 

The bill for hiring and painting the bus is believed to run into many millions of pounds. The contract has already been awarded to a mate of Matt Hancock’s who once had a picture exhibited in the Vision On gallery. 

Corruption, sleaze, embezzlement, incompetence, taking the absolute mickey? It’s time to move on. 

PAPERING OVER THE CRACKS : High hopes in Westminster today that Michael Gove and Sarah Vine really like the refurbished No. 11 Downing Street when they move in later this year after the true cost of the refurb was revealed.

LCD Views can reveal an exclusive, completely fabricated leak from a Downing Street source puts the actual cost of the work at £37bn.

The eyewatering cost is believed to have mostly gone on interior design consultants, with a few billion on edible gold wallpaper.

“There was a temptation to go with non-edible gold wallpaper,” the source says, “but those famous Johnson parties can get pretty rowdy. The guests will end up eating the wallpaper anyway, so best that it can pass through their systems without risk of constipation.”

The revelation does at least make sense of the failed Track and Trace service. It also completely exonerates Britain’s missing public servant Dido Harding. As she allegedly was made a complete fool of and never received any funding.

“The bulk of the money was redirected to the prime minister and his current partner, allegedly. To be fair it is not an inordinate amount to spend. Just the cost of the authentic fresco bought from Pompeii alone was £5bn. They not only had to pay for it to be removed but the realistic replica constructed and installed. Actual Roman Empire painters are pretty thin on the ground these days. You add in the water feature which dispenses an endless shower of Bollinger, plus the numerous secret doors hiding Russian violinists and it’s not going to be done on the cheap.”

Happily for the Prime Minister there is zero chance of him having to repay the billions.

“He will decide if he acted inappropriately. So it’s a foregone conclusion that he actually underspent and a top up should be arranged via the Exchequer. It’s right that the public pays for it, as they pay for electing him PM daily anyway.”

SECOND CHANCE SALOON : It’s clear governance of the United Kingdom is now at a parlous state and something must be done, happily help is at hand.

Rumours inside the Westminster bubble suggest that later this afternoon two old political rivals, Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinsom, will hold a joint press conference with an offer too good to refuse.

“They’re going to offer to lead jointly a government of national unity,” a source inside the latest UK political coalition told LCD Views. “It’s believed they have reflected on the complete balls-up they both made in 2019 when they jointly scuppered the prospect of a GNU. They want to make amends.”

It is unclear who first proposed the power coupling, but leaks suggest that it was Mr Corbyn who reached out, as now that Brexit is done he is at something of a loose end.

“It’s neatly ignored how one of Mr Corbyn’s only attempts to push forward legislation during his forty years in the House of Commons was a proposal for an IN/OUT EUref early on in David Cameron’s time as PM. He did this working with other Lexit MPs and notable names on the Conservative benches. If you don’t like it, just look it up, it’s there in the parliamentary record.”

As to Ms Swinson, it’s believed she sees a chance to make amends too for what was an impressively hubristic and shortsighted time as leader of the Liberal Democrats.

It’s not obvious how the UK political landscape will respond to the offer, although it is obvious to all that had Mr Corbyn’s sense of entitlement and Ms Swinson’s political idiocy not joined in a disastrous alignment in 2019 to end the chances of a GNU the UK may well be in a much better place today.

“Corbyn must have known the Tories would never have supported him as PM of a GNU and to back a more unifying Labour MP for the job. Likewise Swinson should have called Corbyn’s bluff so he had to get out of the way. As it was, here we are today, writing this article to get a nagging sense of frustration out of our system.”

THE LYING KING : Who really runs the UK? Who governs it? It’s an enduring mystery that many believe they know the answer to.

It’s clearly not the Queen. It can’t be. Johnson and his cabal lied to her face and she allowed them to carry on being the “government”. We can cross the sovereign off the list at the start. A postage stamp is all that head of state is now. A powerful way to move a letter from one location to another. Some would say more’s the pity, given the last few years of misrule.

It’s clearly not the British people. A cursory glance at our democratic institutions and Westminster’s electoral system proves that. The people have been lied to on a massive scale and they don’t care. Enough of them don’t, not yet, but getting there. Other powers are ruling them for they are not exercising self-rule.

Maybe it’s the Russians? They’ve certainly a hand on the wheel. All that dark money sloshing about the UK political scene. The governing Conservative Party so up to its eyeballs in hock to the Kremlin they don’t even want to look at how bad it is. We’ll give them a measure of power, but the influence is only bought so long as the bought are in position.

Maybe it’s the Americans? The Mercers, Bannon, Koch and all the rest? Bit like the gang above. Biden could order Cummings fired, out the front door with a box just like in an American TV show, and wait for Cummings’ unquestioned sociopathy to seek payback on the boss. Which we are now witnessing. So another piece of the power pie to the US.

Which lands us on the shifting soil where we consider the power of the press. It’s a powerful press. The majority of its owners are offshored tax shy billionaires. Not exactly a recipe for democratic longevity.

They shape opinions so completely (especially thanks to the riddling with Tory woodworm of the old barque HMS BBC) that the country can be convinced to self-immolate. Once you add in social media, oh yes, add those billionaires too.

But upon taking power who does each PM rush to see first for decades now? Right after the ceremony with her Maj.

A grumpy old Aussie who decided to become an American. Some bloody Pom cheesed him off so seriously when he was young he decided to destroy the mother country. He can’t rest till it’s done. He’s almost succeeded. Gnarled old claws scraping at the last of our skin.

Let’s give old Rupert the lion’s share of the pie. I can make you and I can break you, is probably what he says? And we see one of his many earthly incarnations, Gove, slithering close to the throne. The sibilant hiss in the ear of the stumbling Falstaff called Boris.

“It’s time….” the hiss reveals… “it’s time to replace me with me…”

NO TRUTH SERUM NEEDED : THE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO BE IN A HUNGOVER MOOD THIS MORNING, but that is in no way a hindrance to him performing the duties of his office. That’s because it’s mostly dressing up.

It’s further reported that he is ready to work cross party with opposition MPs to conduct the inquiry into his endless lying.

“He takes claims about a failure to be honest extremely seriously. It’s possible he has been honest once and he would like to identify exactly when that was. This will enable him to avoid repeating it.”

The most likely time period is thought to have been “over dinner” when he may have inadvertently admitted “he preferred the Claret to the Barolo”.

Whether or not the inquiry will focus on his serial bullshitting in the Houses of Parliament isn’t yet clear.

“We’re still working out the terms of the inquiry the PM will lead. It is clear it will be over a long lunch, potentially even and entire bacchanalian weekend at Chequers.”

There is thought to be some disquiet though that the largest party of opposition in English politics are choosing not to take part in the cross party initiative.

“That’s fine with the PM. Tories have ruled the country for the majority of its existence. This is because the other mob insist that people need to see them as the only saviour possible and refuse to openly cooperate with the splitters, regardless of how that’s worked for everyone in 2010, 2015, 2017, 2019 and now. Works for us. Be holier than thou. It allows Johnson untrammelled access to the levers of power.”

It’s unlikely that that paragraph will be included in any report.

“No chance. It was far too honest!”

HANDS EYES MOUTH : The Tory cabinet is surprisingly beleaguered at the moment by a perception of corruption and something must be done about it.

“Not any corruption clearly, but the suspicion of it. The smell. Can you smell it? Talk about a great stink. It reeks to high heaven when we meet. Pooey!” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. They were smirking and waving their hands to waft away a decidedly foul aroma as they did.

The action to be taken appears to be a smart move too. They’re going to find out how all the stories of ministers, and those close to them are receiving gifts of lucrative pandemic related contracts without tender, keep hitting the press.

It’s not any corruption that is the problem it’s the fact people are finding out about it. Make sure to frame the story properly.

“If we can find the source of the stories than we can pay them off, or threaten them. Bully maybe a better world. We’ve got the right people to do it,” the source explained further.

“You don’t spend years getting elected to serve your best interests in some rotten borough where a potato with a blue rosette could do it, just to stay poor. What’s the point of public service?”

Indeed.

They better act swiftly though as the stories are becoming a deluge. Everyone appears to be in on it.

“We sit in the mother of parliaments. There’s a reputation to defend,” the source added. “Even if the reality these days is like a hidden portrait in an attic. Have you seen Dave’s portrait? Holy hell!”

The drive to gag the source of the cronyism stories has been nicknamed “The Three Wise Monkeys”.

“As long as no one hears, sees or says anything than we can properly milk this pandemic. Which is just the way a modern Conservative government comprised of disaster capitalists likes it.”

Tory sleaze, it’s easy if you have the right contacts. They lead to contracts.

“You know what they say, make hay while the plane loads of mutant variants fly in. Oh and blame the last Labour government. Ha!”

HALL OF FAME : Matt Hancock is a man who knows how to take care of himself, his friends and his family. There’s no crime in that.

Happily some sections of the media are willing to bring Matt’s altruism to public attention, or we may not have found out just how generous is his spirit.

“It’s not a conflict of interests if you care deeply about the people you’re awarded contracts to without tender,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The only sin the Health Secretary has committed is being found out. He would like to project a tough, no nonsense approach, but clearly he wears his heart on his sleeve.”

The overly sentimental streak may indeed be a strong family trait, judging by the shareholders of the family company Matt has been awarding valuable public money to.

“Obviously some have seized the wrong end of the stick and cry that a public servant should not profit off the decisions he makes while discharging the responsibilities of his office. But that’s just discriminatory. It would be punishing Matt for serving the public if he had to exclude himself and his family.”

Weirdly though certain sections of the public, and even some opposition MPs aren’t convinced all is above board.

“We’ll change the rules then, to keep them happy and stop all the whining. It’s very distracting. And clearly Matt has the Barnard Castle Defence to fall back on. He only gifted the company he and his family own a government contract to test his eyesight. Dom established that as a principle of Johnson’s government. The public accepted it. It’s valid. Besides, what are you going to do about it?”

IT’S A FAMILY BUSINESS : The great unwashed are famous for being jealous of the hard earned success of their betters.

We need look no further than the case of Matt Hancock who has valiantly been building on the sacrifices of those men who died on the beaches. Initially by supporting lying to the Queen so he could be Secretary of State for Health, and latterly by solving the social care crisis.

Well Matt Hancock has had enough, especially now that people have noticed he has a sister who he innocently awarded lucrative contracts too. The company of the receiving end just happened, by total coincidence, to have a large shareholding in the name of Matt Hancock. It’s probably not the same Matt Hancock.

“These accidents happen every day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s like accidentally shagging a Union Flag draped IT tutor who needs hundreds of thousands of pounds to further her completely legitimate business interests. Nothing to see here. Move along please. Don’t ask who helped set up the Conservative Friends of Russia. The public need to let us get on with the business of governing.”

That’s what Matt thinks too. So he’s going to order an inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister who has a company that Matt Hancock just happens to hold shares in. A shredding company no less.

And who will chair the inquiry?

“Why Matt Hancock’s sister of course. She knows everything that’s happened. And she can work closely with Matt, as already proven. If you want to get the right result you need to start on the right foot. Get an expert involved. Get in a family member.”

Then everyone can accept it’s time to move on, again…

MISSING IN ACTION : The UK’s greatest living politician, Michael “Rupert” Gove, is rumoured to be readying himself to return to frontline political action.

It’s believed he left the stage some weeks back over growing unease at the levels of public awareness of cronyism in government and wanted to be “the first rat to jump off the ship”. A decision which only increases his worth in the public estimation.

Now it seems after quiet time in contemplation, during which circulating “reports of puppies and kittens being sacrificed on an altar to an ancient kraken” are described as “overblown”, Mr Gove is ready to stage a comeback.

“He’s going for the top. He’s going to cut the head off the snake,” an insider in Hell told LCD Views. “Johnson won’t even have time to shout ET tu Gove! Or appeal to any other extraterrestrial for help.”

It’s believed Mr Gove is assured that the governing 1922 Committee already have the required number of letters expressing no confidence in the shambolic prime minister because “Gove and his wife wrote them themselves”, presumably in blood or some other powerful fluid.

Speculation that is was their own blood is far fetched though as the “paper would have caught fire on contact”.

The appeal to rid the governing party of public awareness is thought to be strong amongst MPs who are “troubled over the sheer size of the cat that David Cameron let out of the bag”.

Re-bagging the public awareness feline is sure to see Gove replace Johnson as “governing in the modern Conservative way requires a lot more discretion than the boozy, blonde, playboy is able to manage.”

It’s not believed Mr Gove plans to hold a snap general election, should he succeed, because that would risk the beginning of the “millennia of terror and suffering on Earth he intends to oversee.”