Category: Democracy

DETONATE THE SMART DOMB : 10 Downing Street has responded to the damning accusations of the Prime Minister’s former advisor Dominic Cummings.

In a press conference in the Rose Garden a short time ago the Prime Minister’s rental dog, Dylin, moved to alleviate pressure on the embattled PM.

“Woof woof woof woof,” the hourly rate canine said, in what critics immediately declared a rehearsed speech.

Whether or not the show of support by Dylin will be enough to see him rehired is anyone’s guess, but it’s clearly nice to see man’s best friend stand by him, even when he’s a rental. Just like the PM.

Tory MPs though have been quick to crawl around the press holding photos of the prime minister’s bulging arse and licking them in the hope of becoming Health Secretary.

It’s not clear if Mr Cummings’ explosive testimony will make amends for being thick enough to help someone so clearly incompetent into Downing Street. But it’s believed his genuine claim to actually be pretty thick himself and a complete fantasist “who couldn’t cope with reality and power at the same time” will help.

“It was a multi-layered performance by Dom,” a Westminster insider said. “Plea bargain, blame shift, vengeance, palace coup and doing the work of whoever he really works for all at once. Will it be enough to get him off the hook? Doubt it. But it’s nice to see him put the boot in all the same. Hell hath no fury like a superforecaster who didn’t forecast his own political end!”

For his part Michael Gove has offered the PM his full support, which clearly means he and Ms Gove are preparing to move into No. 10.

THE SMIRK THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHITS : The Home Secretary is not one to allow professionals to languish under well founded accusations of inappropriate behaviour, bullying or breaking codes of conduct.

In an exclusive interview with the bull dog of Sunday morning chat shows, Andrew Marr, she defended yet another high profile figure who has come in for more than his fair share of stick.

“Well you know Andrew that I have the utmost respect for everyone in the medical profession,” Ms Patel stated, when asked about the ongoing accusations of cannibalism surrounding the psychologist Doctor Hannibal Lecter. “It is very stressful treatin’ disturbed individuals and sometimes decisions have to be made quick.”

Mr Marr wasn’t letting her off so easy though.

“But are fava beans really the most appropriate choice of legume to eat with a human liver? Or indeed offal from any source? You must admit there are serious questions to be asked also about the decision to use fine bone China?”

Ms Patel laid a lengthy smirk on Mr Marr. Disarming him with her world beating charm.

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually, when he ate that liver,” Ms Patel repeated herself.

“But he wasn’t merely eating the census taker’s liver. He was working and consuming alcohol at the same time. Isn’t it possible that this behaviour isn’t entirely professional and less than should be expected?”

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually,” Ms Patel reiterated once more, as if caught in a time loop, “When he ate that liver. With a nice Chianti.”

“Well if you think Chianti is the right wine we will have to leave it there. Although I would have gone for a Boudreaux.”

A recipe was then posted for viewers at home in case they also were mildly irritated when taking a census. Oh, and instruction for where to source the vintage of your choice.

WORLD BEATING HOLIDAYING : The UK’s greatest living viral Prime Minister is on the receiving end of a never ending deluge of plaudits, and he adds another trophy to the cabinet today.

A study into his holidays has revealed he really pulled out the stops to take his mistress at the time to Mustique.

“He did everything he did, whatever that was,” the lead author on the study tells LCD Views. “It must have been impressive, given that he still refuses to say who actually paid for the luxury break and underreported its value in the official register.”

The holiday was certainly needed as he had to get her strength for the coming trials he would face while Prime Minister, and many hope after he’s been prime minister.

“You don’t mismanage a pandemic without a good rest first. You don’t move the woman you cheated on your last wife with into 10 Downing Street without some time relaxing on a boat. And you certainly can’t witness the miracle of birth with a partner showing no visible signs of pregnancy unless you’ve had some serious down time.”

Clearly Mr Johnson’s MPs have formed a protective square around him over the secretly funded holiday and are determined to keep him in post.

“There’s so many snouts in the trough with Johnson as PM everyone has to do everything they can to keep it that way until all the public’s money has been shifted out to accounts in island paradises. It’s a nice symmetry to the holiday that is now a scandal.”

The study does hold out one angle of support for the Prime Minister.

“They’re maybe nothing too much to learn about the five star break,” the researcher floats, “just who are you pathetic little plebs to question the decisions of the world king? Know your place. It is not yours to question why, it is yours to stay home and die. Which leads us back to the pandemic and Mr Johnson’s lethal mismanagement. Let’s call that the Mustique variant.”

TEXT 4 CASH : Consistency is key to good government. The people need to be governed, not always well I grant you, but governed all the same. And consistency is a benchmark. Some are consistently good while others are predictably terrible. So long as the people know what is being served up they will be happy. Otherwise they may rise up. Or they may commit voter fraud.

“Happily the occurrence of voter fraud in the U.K. is about the size and scale of the violin being played in sympathy for David Cameron,” The Minister for Fraud told LCD Views. “Which is welcome. I have my work cut out already creating all the other fraud!”

But just because a problem does not exist is no reason not to solve it.

“I’m glad the PM has decided to solve the issue before it occurs. It is completely out of character for him too. Voter prophylactics and Johnson? Who’d have thunk it. The photo ID problem will ensure no one ever votes illegally again. It will also dramatically decrease the number of people voting. That will mean even less fraud. It’s a stroke of genius.”

For anyone concerned though that disadvantaged people may effectively be stripped of their inalienable right to vote, the Minister for Fraud has some encouraging words.

“Work harder. Better yourself. Once you achieve that dream car you’ll need a driving licence. Problem solved. Once you begin bi-annual holidays to France you’ll need a passport. Again, problem solved. Needing photo ID to vote is no different from needing Matt Hancock’s phone number to get a PPE contract. If you’ve got it, you’ll get it, if you don’t? You don’t deserve it.”

If you can pay to play, you’ll never be disenfranchised in Brexitannia. The people have decided. Increasingly less of them will decide in future, granted.

STATE SECRETS : Downing Street is to fulfil its promise to crackdown on the rampant problem of voting fraud in U.K. ballots.

While overseas dark money interfering in British democracy isn’t seen as an issue, the one person who attempted to impersonate someone a few years back, and got caught, is seen as indicative of a chronic issue.

“Everyone is getting into a flap over ID cards and completely missing the extreme benchmark we’ve now set,” a disgruntled 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “The question section which must now be completed successfully to even gain entry to a polling station makes our electoral security the toughest on Earth.”

What is your favourite colour is one of the questions, and should prove passable for all but the indecisive. But the other question is a killer.

“What are the names of all of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s children?” the source grins. “No one is going to be able to answer it. We’ve completely stitched up the ballot box. It’s genius.”

But critics have suggested that Downing Street may have been too clever by half. Several have suggested that it’s possible even the PM himself won’t be able to answer.

”That’s no problem. He’ll just break the new rule. There will be an inquiry after he’s re-elected to office with 100% of the vote. Months. Maybe years after. And even if he’s found to have broken the law nothing will happen at all.”

The Mother of Parliaments, setting standards post Brexit others can only dream of following.

IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING : Boris Johnson is to do every undecided voter in his country a massive favour this week by solving the dilemma for them forever.

In what is being viewed as a natural extension of the ideology driving Brexit the PM is to make a few obvious moves forward in The Queen’s Speech.

“Obviously requiring voters to have a British fish under their arm when they arrive at the polling station will boost the booming fishing industry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too photo proof of membership of your local Conservative Party. That not only gives you the right to vote but gives you two extra votes. This proves the PM rewards loyalty.”

But the other big change is the one regarding how the office of prime minister itself is to be viewed going forward.

“He signalled the direction of travel with the lavish wallpaper. Now he’s making it clear how he will govern.”

Clear in the sense of a new bill which has been called ‘The Divine Right to Rule’. The legislation is only a few lines long but makes it clear that Mr Johnson will now govern legally as absolute monarch. And God approves.

“It’ll take a weight off the old Queen’s mind too. Any questions about residual power in the monarchy and how it should be used will be settled forever.”

But critics of the move say it speaks of overreach.

“Surely the PM should produce papers proving his lineage goes back to Alfred the Great first? He could just make it up. The newspapers will sell it as truth for him. Just ask the good people of Hartlepool! A lot of them clearly believe anything.”

It’s unlikely Mr Johnson will bother with dodgy paperwork as the time to become the King of not only England, but Scotland, is now.

“That’s so he can be the last one.”

WHAT’S SO CIVIL ABOUT WAR ANYWAY : FANTASTIC results in the UK’s local elections this week which have given an overwhelming mandate for the main English political parties to carry on with business as usual. The usual meaning that anyone who wanted to remain in the EU, and anyone who thinks Brexit is a terrible idea now, can just get stuffed. It’s democracy in action. Minority ruling majority. Almost a tyranny.

“It’s just wonderful, so magnificent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Had we suffered heavy defeats we may have had to take stock. And I don’t just mean PPE! Ha! But the public just shrugged and said the corruption and disaster capitalism, the squashing of women peacefully protesting into the turf, all those garbage Brexit promises, treating asylum seekers like animals, all this stuff is just great. Boris is very happy. He’s considering getting an even younger fiancée just for a laugh. He can do anything and the proles just lap it up. They actually seem to like his intentional cruelty. In fact we all are cock a hoop. You should see Priti Patel’s mad little grin. Ear to ear.”

Some have quibbled of course and said that the right to hard right maybe a block vote in the current era but it’s not a majority.

“Who cares? May I introduce you to FPTP at Westminster? The mother of parliaments is a mother man.”

Others have pointed a finger at centre to left parties and said they’d be able to defeat the parties of hate if they just worked together.

“Where’s the fun in that? This way the Corbynistas get to carry on pretending that their man never lost a battle even though he was overwhelming rejected by the electorate. The current Labour leadership gets to pretend that if it’s going to win it needs to chase Johnson’s politics even harder. More flags. More patriotism. More ignoring Brexit. Clearly they haven’t listened hard enough to the red wall who want to be lied to. Start lying. Look at the PM!. And ONLY the red wall exists in English politics. It’s made everything much simpler.”

What the actual majority of the country who aren’t sociopaths or wilfully ignorant, who don’t like punching themselves in the face are supposed to now isn’t that clear.

“Stay apathetic. Don’t vote. Don’t unite. It’s a simple recipe and your Prime Minister is very happy with you. Which is all that really matters.”

Want to buy some democracy? Cash, cheque or wire transfer? The electorate respects it. And the rest of you, the progressives, whatever you do don’t unite, don’t make common cause or you’ll make Boris sad…

DOES IT MATTER? As the Electoral Commission starts to investigate Boris Johnson’s dodgy (allegedly) dealings, the PM is fighting back. He intends to park the bus outside Number Ten to remind the investigators of their place. 

The reliably anonymous Downing Street “source” claimed that the investigators’ place is almost anywhere else. 

Does anybody care? Probably. This is a matter of integrity and honesty, and it is of paramount importance. But the opinion of The People only counts when it coincides with the prevailing orthodoxy. 

Ministers have been probed with questions. “Who initially paid for this ghastly rubbish?” Liz Truss, the pull-string talking Sindy doll of the cabinet, trotted out the same line however many times her string was pulled. Johnson himself lost his rag in the House, and would probably have punched Keir Starmer if it hadn’t been for the covid-proof perspex screens between them. 

“The money was only resting in my account,” reads Dominic Cummings’ retrospectively amended genius flash of foresight, quoting his erstwhile boss. “What should I do, Dom?” Cummings’ alleged reply was “You’re going to need a bigger bus.” 

So a bus it is. Written on one side, in massive letters, will be the legend “Nothing to see here.” On the other side, “I personally endorse, erm, you know, I’m totally in favour of powerful mayors, wiff waff, erm, you know the one I mean. Great Scott!” 

Nobody knows why Johnson is going to pose in front of a big red bus with a humungous fib painted on it. After all, this tactic had absolutely no bearing on the Brexit referendum. 

The bill for hiring and painting the bus is believed to run into many millions of pounds. The contract has already been awarded to a mate of Matt Hancock’s who once had a picture exhibited in the Vision On gallery. 

Corruption, sleaze, embezzlement, incompetence, taking the absolute mickey? It’s time to move on. 

PAPERING OVER THE CRACKS : High hopes in Westminster today that Michael Gove and Sarah Vine really like the refurbished No. 11 Downing Street when they move in later this year after the true cost of the refurb was revealed.

LCD Views can reveal an exclusive, completely fabricated leak from a Downing Street source puts the actual cost of the work at £37bn.

The eyewatering cost is believed to have mostly gone on interior design consultants, with a few billion on edible gold wallpaper.

“There was a temptation to go with non-edible gold wallpaper,” the source says, “but those famous Johnson parties can get pretty rowdy. The guests will end up eating the wallpaper anyway, so best that it can pass through their systems without risk of constipation.”

The revelation does at least make sense of the failed Track and Trace service. It also completely exonerates Britain’s missing public servant Dido Harding. As she allegedly was made a complete fool of and never received any funding.

“The bulk of the money was redirected to the prime minister and his current partner, allegedly. To be fair it is not an inordinate amount to spend. Just the cost of the authentic fresco bought from Pompeii alone was £5bn. They not only had to pay for it to be removed but the realistic replica constructed and installed. Actual Roman Empire painters are pretty thin on the ground these days. You add in the water feature which dispenses an endless shower of Bollinger, plus the numerous secret doors hiding Russian violinists and it’s not going to be done on the cheap.”

Happily for the Prime Minister there is zero chance of him having to repay the billions.

“He will decide if he acted inappropriately. So it’s a foregone conclusion that he actually underspent and a top up should be arranged via the Exchequer. It’s right that the public pays for it, as they pay for electing him PM daily anyway.”

SECOND CHANCE SALOON : It’s clear governance of the United Kingdom is now at a parlous state and something must be done, happily help is at hand.

Rumours inside the Westminster bubble suggest that later this afternoon two old political rivals, Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinsom, will hold a joint press conference with an offer too good to refuse.

“They’re going to offer to lead jointly a government of national unity,” a source inside the latest UK political coalition told LCD Views. “It’s believed they have reflected on the complete balls-up they both made in 2019 when they jointly scuppered the prospect of a GNU. They want to make amends.”

It is unclear who first proposed the power coupling, but leaks suggest that it was Mr Corbyn who reached out, as now that Brexit is done he is at something of a loose end.

“It’s neatly ignored how one of Mr Corbyn’s only attempts to push forward legislation during his forty years in the House of Commons was a proposal for an IN/OUT EUref early on in David Cameron’s time as PM. He did this working with other Lexit MPs and notable names on the Conservative benches. If you don’t like it, just look it up, it’s there in the parliamentary record.”

As to Ms Swinson, it’s believed she sees a chance to make amends too for what was an impressively hubristic and shortsighted time as leader of the Liberal Democrats.

It’s not obvious how the UK political landscape will respond to the offer, although it is obvious to all that had Mr Corbyn’s sense of entitlement and Ms Swinson’s political idiocy not joined in a disastrous alignment in 2019 to end the chances of a GNU the UK may well be in a much better place today.

“Corbyn must have known the Tories would never have supported him as PM of a GNU and to back a more unifying Labour MP for the job. Likewise Swinson should have called Corbyn’s bluff so he had to get out of the way. As it was, here we are today, writing this article to get a nagging sense of frustration out of our system.”