Category: Democracy

WORLD BEATING HOLIDAYING : The UK’s greatest living viral Prime Minister is on the receiving end of a never ending deluge of plaudits, and he adds another trophy to the cabinet today.

A study into his holidays has revealed he really pulled out the stops to take his mistress at the time to Mustique.

“He did everything he did, whatever that was,” the lead author on the study tells LCD Views. “It must have been impressive, given that he still refuses to say who actually paid for the luxury break and underreported its value in the official register.”

The holiday was certainly needed as he had to get her strength for the coming trials he would face while Prime Minister, and many hope after he’s been prime minister.

“You don’t mismanage a pandemic without a good rest first. You don’t move the woman you cheated on your last wife with into 10 Downing Street without some time relaxing on a boat. And you certainly can’t witness the miracle of birth with a partner showing no visible signs of pregnancy unless you’ve had some serious down time.”

Clearly Mr Johnson’s MPs have formed a protective square around him over the secretly funded holiday and are determined to keep him in post.

“There’s so many snouts in the trough with Johnson as PM everyone has to do everything they can to keep it that way until all the public’s money has been shifted out to accounts in island paradises. It’s a nice symmetry to the holiday that is now a scandal.”

The study does hold out one angle of support for the Prime Minister.

“They’re maybe nothing too much to learn about the five star break,” the researcher floats, “just who are you pathetic little plebs to question the decisions of the world king? Know your place. It is not yours to question why, it is yours to stay home and die. Which leads us back to the pandemic and Mr Johnson’s lethal mismanagement. Let’s call that the Mustique variant.”

TEXT 4 CASH : Consistency is key to good government. The people need to be governed, not always well I grant you, but governed all the same. And consistency is a benchmark. Some are consistently good while others are predictably terrible. So long as the people know what is being served up they will be happy. Otherwise they may rise up. Or they may commit voter fraud.

“Happily the occurrence of voter fraud in the U.K. is about the size and scale of the violin being played in sympathy for David Cameron,” The Minister for Fraud told LCD Views. “Which is welcome. I have my work cut out already creating all the other fraud!”

But just because a problem does not exist is no reason not to solve it.

“I’m glad the PM has decided to solve the issue before it occurs. It is completely out of character for him too. Voter prophylactics and Johnson? Who’d have thunk it. The photo ID problem will ensure no one ever votes illegally again. It will also dramatically decrease the number of people voting. That will mean even less fraud. It’s a stroke of genius.”

For anyone concerned though that disadvantaged people may effectively be stripped of their inalienable right to vote, the Minister for Fraud has some encouraging words.

“Work harder. Better yourself. Once you achieve that dream car you’ll need a driving licence. Problem solved. Once you begin bi-annual holidays to France you’ll need a passport. Again, problem solved. Needing photo ID to vote is no different from needing Matt Hancock’s phone number to get a PPE contract. If you’ve got it, you’ll get it, if you don’t? You don’t deserve it.”

If you can pay to play, you’ll never be disenfranchised in Brexitannia. The people have decided. Increasingly less of them will decide in future, granted.

STATE SECRETS : Downing Street is to fulfil its promise to crackdown on the rampant problem of voting fraud in U.K. ballots.

While overseas dark money interfering in British democracy isn’t seen as an issue, the one person who attempted to impersonate someone a few years back, and got caught, is seen as indicative of a chronic issue.

“Everyone is getting into a flap over ID cards and completely missing the extreme benchmark we’ve now set,” a disgruntled 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “The question section which must now be completed successfully to even gain entry to a polling station makes our electoral security the toughest on Earth.”

What is your favourite colour is one of the questions, and should prove passable for all but the indecisive. But the other question is a killer.

“What are the names of all of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s children?” the source grins. “No one is going to be able to answer it. We’ve completely stitched up the ballot box. It’s genius.”

But critics have suggested that Downing Street may have been too clever by half. Several have suggested that it’s possible even the PM himself won’t be able to answer.

”That’s no problem. He’ll just break the new rule. There will be an inquiry after he’s re-elected to office with 100% of the vote. Months. Maybe years after. And even if he’s found to have broken the law nothing will happen at all.”

The Mother of Parliaments, setting standards post Brexit others can only dream of following.

IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING : Boris Johnson is to do every undecided voter in his country a massive favour this week by solving the dilemma for them forever.

In what is being viewed as a natural extension of the ideology driving Brexit the PM is to make a few obvious moves forward in The Queen’s Speech.

“Obviously requiring voters to have a British fish under their arm when they arrive at the polling station will boost the booming fishing industry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too photo proof of membership of your local Conservative Party. That not only gives you the right to vote but gives you two extra votes. This proves the PM rewards loyalty.”

But the other big change is the one regarding how the office of prime minister itself is to be viewed going forward.

“He signalled the direction of travel with the lavish wallpaper. Now he’s making it clear how he will govern.”

Clear in the sense of a new bill which has been called ‘The Divine Right to Rule’. The legislation is only a few lines long but makes it clear that Mr Johnson will now govern legally as absolute monarch. And God approves.

“It’ll take a weight off the old Queen’s mind too. Any questions about residual power in the monarchy and how it should be used will be settled forever.”

But critics of the move say it speaks of overreach.

“Surely the PM should produce papers proving his lineage goes back to Alfred the Great first? He could just make it up. The newspapers will sell it as truth for him. Just ask the good people of Hartlepool! A lot of them clearly believe anything.”

It’s unlikely Mr Johnson will bother with dodgy paperwork as the time to become the King of not only England, but Scotland, is now.

“That’s so he can be the last one.”

WHAT’S SO CIVIL ABOUT WAR ANYWAY : FANTASTIC results in the UK’s local elections this week which have given an overwhelming mandate for the main English political parties to carry on with business as usual. The usual meaning that anyone who wanted to remain in the EU, and anyone who thinks Brexit is a terrible idea now, can just get stuffed. It’s democracy in action. Minority ruling majority. Almost a tyranny.

“It’s just wonderful, so magnificent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Had we suffered heavy defeats we may have had to take stock. And I don’t just mean PPE! Ha! But the public just shrugged and said the corruption and disaster capitalism, the squashing of women peacefully protesting into the turf, all those garbage Brexit promises, treating asylum seekers like animals, all this stuff is just great. Boris is very happy. He’s considering getting an even younger fiancée just for a laugh. He can do anything and the proles just lap it up. They actually seem to like his intentional cruelty. In fact we all are cock a hoop. You should see Priti Patel’s mad little grin. Ear to ear.”

Some have quibbled of course and said that the right to hard right maybe a block vote in the current era but it’s not a majority.

“Who cares? May I introduce you to FPTP at Westminster? The mother of parliaments is a mother man.”

Others have pointed a finger at centre to left parties and said they’d be able to defeat the parties of hate if they just worked together.

“Where’s the fun in that? This way the Corbynistas get to carry on pretending that their man never lost a battle even though he was overwhelming rejected by the electorate. The current Labour leadership gets to pretend that if it’s going to win it needs to chase Johnson’s politics even harder. More flags. More patriotism. More ignoring Brexit. Clearly they haven’t listened hard enough to the red wall who want to be lied to. Start lying. Look at the PM!. And ONLY the red wall exists in English politics. It’s made everything much simpler.”

What the actual majority of the country who aren’t sociopaths or wilfully ignorant, who don’t like punching themselves in the face are supposed to now isn’t that clear.

“Stay apathetic. Don’t vote. Don’t unite. It’s a simple recipe and your Prime Minister is very happy with you. Which is all that really matters.”

Want to buy some democracy? Cash, cheque or wire transfer? The electorate respects it. And the rest of you, the progressives, whatever you do don’t unite, don’t make common cause or you’ll make Boris sad…

DOES IT MATTER? As the Electoral Commission starts to investigate Boris Johnson’s dodgy (allegedly) dealings, the PM is fighting back. He intends to park the bus outside Number Ten to remind the investigators of their place. 

The reliably anonymous Downing Street “source” claimed that the investigators’ place is almost anywhere else. 

Does anybody care? Probably. This is a matter of integrity and honesty, and it is of paramount importance. But the opinion of The People only counts when it coincides with the prevailing orthodoxy. 

Ministers have been probed with questions. “Who initially paid for this ghastly rubbish?” Liz Truss, the pull-string talking Sindy doll of the cabinet, trotted out the same line however many times her string was pulled. Johnson himself lost his rag in the House, and would probably have punched Keir Starmer if it hadn’t been for the covid-proof perspex screens between them. 

“The money was only resting in my account,” reads Dominic Cummings’ retrospectively amended genius flash of foresight, quoting his erstwhile boss. “What should I do, Dom?” Cummings’ alleged reply was “You’re going to need a bigger bus.” 

So a bus it is. Written on one side, in massive letters, will be the legend “Nothing to see here.” On the other side, “I personally endorse, erm, you know, I’m totally in favour of powerful mayors, wiff waff, erm, you know the one I mean. Great Scott!” 

Nobody knows why Johnson is going to pose in front of a big red bus with a humungous fib painted on it. After all, this tactic had absolutely no bearing on the Brexit referendum. 

The bill for hiring and painting the bus is believed to run into many millions of pounds. The contract has already been awarded to a mate of Matt Hancock’s who once had a picture exhibited in the Vision On gallery. 

Corruption, sleaze, embezzlement, incompetence, taking the absolute mickey? It’s time to move on. 

PAPERING OVER THE CRACKS : High hopes in Westminster today that Michael Gove and Sarah Vine really like the refurbished No. 11 Downing Street when they move in later this year after the true cost of the refurb was revealed.

LCD Views can reveal an exclusive, completely fabricated leak from a Downing Street source puts the actual cost of the work at £37bn.

The eyewatering cost is believed to have mostly gone on interior design consultants, with a few billion on edible gold wallpaper.

“There was a temptation to go with non-edible gold wallpaper,” the source says, “but those famous Johnson parties can get pretty rowdy. The guests will end up eating the wallpaper anyway, so best that it can pass through their systems without risk of constipation.”

The revelation does at least make sense of the failed Track and Trace service. It also completely exonerates Britain’s missing public servant Dido Harding. As she allegedly was made a complete fool of and never received any funding.

“The bulk of the money was redirected to the prime minister and his current partner, allegedly. To be fair it is not an inordinate amount to spend. Just the cost of the authentic fresco bought from Pompeii alone was £5bn. They not only had to pay for it to be removed but the realistic replica constructed and installed. Actual Roman Empire painters are pretty thin on the ground these days. You add in the water feature which dispenses an endless shower of Bollinger, plus the numerous secret doors hiding Russian violinists and it’s not going to be done on the cheap.”

Happily for the Prime Minister there is zero chance of him having to repay the billions.

“He will decide if he acted inappropriately. So it’s a foregone conclusion that he actually underspent and a top up should be arranged via the Exchequer. It’s right that the public pays for it, as they pay for electing him PM daily anyway.”

SECOND CHANCE SALOON : It’s clear governance of the United Kingdom is now at a parlous state and something must be done, happily help is at hand.

Rumours inside the Westminster bubble suggest that later this afternoon two old political rivals, Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinsom, will hold a joint press conference with an offer too good to refuse.

“They’re going to offer to lead jointly a government of national unity,” a source inside the latest UK political coalition told LCD Views. “It’s believed they have reflected on the complete balls-up they both made in 2019 when they jointly scuppered the prospect of a GNU. They want to make amends.”

It is unclear who first proposed the power coupling, but leaks suggest that it was Mr Corbyn who reached out, as now that Brexit is done he is at something of a loose end.

“It’s neatly ignored how one of Mr Corbyn’s only attempts to push forward legislation during his forty years in the House of Commons was a proposal for an IN/OUT EUref early on in David Cameron’s time as PM. He did this working with other Lexit MPs and notable names on the Conservative benches. If you don’t like it, just look it up, it’s there in the parliamentary record.”

As to Ms Swinson, it’s believed she sees a chance to make amends too for what was an impressively hubristic and shortsighted time as leader of the Liberal Democrats.

It’s not obvious how the UK political landscape will respond to the offer, although it is obvious to all that had Mr Corbyn’s sense of entitlement and Ms Swinson’s political idiocy not joined in a disastrous alignment in 2019 to end the chances of a GNU the UK may well be in a much better place today.

“Corbyn must have known the Tories would never have supported him as PM of a GNU and to back a more unifying Labour MP for the job. Likewise Swinson should have called Corbyn’s bluff so he had to get out of the way. As it was, here we are today, writing this article to get a nagging sense of frustration out of our system.”

THE LYING KING : Who really runs the UK? Who governs it? It’s an enduring mystery that many believe they know the answer to.

It’s clearly not the Queen. It can’t be. Johnson and his cabal lied to her face and she allowed them to carry on being the “government”. We can cross the sovereign off the list at the start. A postage stamp is all that head of state is now. A powerful way to move a letter from one location to another. Some would say more’s the pity, given the last few years of misrule.

It’s clearly not the British people. A cursory glance at our democratic institutions and Westminster’s electoral system proves that. The people have been lied to on a massive scale and they don’t care. Enough of them don’t, not yet, but getting there. Other powers are ruling them for they are not exercising self-rule.

Maybe it’s the Russians? They’ve certainly a hand on the wheel. All that dark money sloshing about the UK political scene. The governing Conservative Party so up to its eyeballs in hock to the Kremlin they don’t even want to look at how bad it is. We’ll give them a measure of power, but the influence is only bought so long as the bought are in position.

Maybe it’s the Americans? The Mercers, Bannon, Koch and all the rest? Bit like the gang above. Biden could order Cummings fired, out the front door with a box just like in an American TV show, and wait for Cummings’ unquestioned sociopathy to seek payback on the boss. Which we are now witnessing. So another piece of the power pie to the US.

Which lands us on the shifting soil where we consider the power of the press. It’s a powerful press. The majority of its owners are offshored tax shy billionaires. Not exactly a recipe for democratic longevity.

They shape opinions so completely (especially thanks to the riddling with Tory woodworm of the old barque HMS BBC) that the country can be convinced to self-immolate. Once you add in social media, oh yes, add those billionaires too.

But upon taking power who does each PM rush to see first for decades now? Right after the ceremony with her Maj.

A grumpy old Aussie who decided to become an American. Some bloody Pom cheesed him off so seriously when he was young he decided to destroy the mother country. He can’t rest till it’s done. He’s almost succeeded. Gnarled old claws scraping at the last of our skin.

Let’s give old Rupert the lion’s share of the pie. I can make you and I can break you, is probably what he says? And we see one of his many earthly incarnations, Gove, slithering close to the throne. The sibilant hiss in the ear of the stumbling Falstaff called Boris.

“It’s time….” the hiss reveals… “it’s time to replace me with me…”

NO TRUTH SERUM NEEDED : THE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO BE IN A HUNGOVER MOOD THIS MORNING, but that is in no way a hindrance to him performing the duties of his office. That’s because it’s mostly dressing up.

It’s further reported that he is ready to work cross party with opposition MPs to conduct the inquiry into his endless lying.

“He takes claims about a failure to be honest extremely seriously. It’s possible he has been honest once and he would like to identify exactly when that was. This will enable him to avoid repeating it.”

The most likely time period is thought to have been “over dinner” when he may have inadvertently admitted “he preferred the Claret to the Barolo”.

Whether or not the inquiry will focus on his serial bullshitting in the Houses of Parliament isn’t yet clear.

“We’re still working out the terms of the inquiry the PM will lead. It is clear it will be over a long lunch, potentially even and entire bacchanalian weekend at Chequers.”

There is thought to be some disquiet though that the largest party of opposition in English politics are choosing not to take part in the cross party initiative.

“That’s fine with the PM. Tories have ruled the country for the majority of its existence. This is because the other mob insist that people need to see them as the only saviour possible and refuse to openly cooperate with the splitters, regardless of how that’s worked for everyone in 2010, 2015, 2017, 2019 and now. Works for us. Be holier than thou. It allows Johnson untrammelled access to the levers of power.”

It’s unlikely that that paragraph will be included in any report.

“No chance. It was far too honest!”