Category: Democracy

IT’S A DISC RACE : BRITAIN’S LONGEST SERVING BBC QUESTION TIME CONTESTANT has responded today to his current party’s shock by-election loss somewhere up north last week.

Speaking from his home in Belgium, the so called MP for Clacton, showed his characteristic sense of Great British fair play.

”I will accept the result of a free and fair election,” Farage commented, “although it’s obvious I can lose only if I’m cheated out of victory.”

The architect of Brexit, which is allegedly one of the most impactful acts of British democracy by a foreign adversary, is rumoured to be considering demanding a potential recount of the “up north somewhere” vote, once he’s finished his latest sun-drenched, disinterested donor holiday.

”He’s prepared to hand count every ballot himself, alone, so he can concentrate,” Mr Farage’s spokesman is said to have said.

The inability of Mr Farage to accept he was beaten fair and square by some “treehugger” comes as no surprise to anyone who’s met him.

”He was definitely cheated out of the seat,” the spokesman added, “why he said to me only this morning that it’s either cheating or he’s a massive bellend, and no one believes that.”

THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE and the dust has settled on a remarkable result for the Labour Party. It was some achievement to come third in a two horse race, and Labour is promising to learn the lessons from their exceptional campaign.

Everybody knows that Labour owes its origins to the unions and the working man. Until recently, they could rely on the working-class vote in an inner-city constituency like Gorton & Denton. But now there are two new kids on the block: the Green Party, which has camped squarely on Labour’s traditional territory; and Reform, who want to Take Are Cuntry Bak to feudal times.

“We will learn the lessons from this defeat!” hooted Labour’s policy spokeswonk Neil Ibberall. “There are the right lessons, and the left – I mean, wrong – ones. We can discount Green policies, because after all who wants nationalised utilities and cheap renewable power? Only the bleeding heart wokies and tree huggers. So to become more electable, we have to take the lead from Reform. Become Reform-lite, if you will.”

Ibberall managed to ignore completely the fact that the Greens actually won the election.

“Reform are still crying about losing, which is their absolute right, therefore we in Reform-lite must do the same, only rather half-heartedly,” said Ibberall. “We must appeal to our natural fanbase by mimicking the very tactics and policies of our erstwhile deadly enemies.”

Meanwhile the right wing press and talking heads are having a collective meltdown, and even aggrieved three year olds are starting to tell them to grow up. “That man needs a slap, Mummy,” remarked Todd Lurr, spokeschild for the Anklebiters’ Union, after seeing yet another clip of Nigel Farage losing his shit. “Can I have another biscuit now? Why not? It’s not fair!”

So now we can look forward to yet another generation of Labour candidates who would be happy just to come second to a nasty posh git.

THE BIGGEST POLL IN WORLD HISTORY, PROBABLY: Ballot means Ballot, as we all know. The People of Gorton & Denton had a vote, a once in a lifetime vote. And Nigel Farage is not happy about it.

“The people of Gorton & Denton have let themselves down badly,” thundered Farage after his pet candidate had been soundly beaten. “Normally our strategy of naked racism and shouting ‘Woke!’ at everything works a treat. It’s not fair! We demand a second referendum!”

Democracy is not Farage’s strong point, as we know.

“Democracy means exactly what I want it to mean!” continued Humpty Dumpty. “Democracy means that we paid for this seat, and we expect to win it in return!”

Paying for a parliamentary seat does sound a little dodgy, to be fair.

“We paid for the blanket coverage on social media and in the papers!” he bellowed. “We paid for the opinion polls! We paid for patriots to threaten the lefties and the foreigners! We paid for thousands of flags! We even endorsed the Green Party candidate, because she is northern, woke, flaky, working class, lefty, empathetic, and all the other things that voters hate!”

Apparently not, given her margin of victory.

“It’s because of the biased returning officer, using foreign Arabic numerals!” he went on. “We demand that ENGLISH numbers are used when – not if – we have the second referendum!”

Meanwhile, defeated Reform placeholder Matt Goodwin has been defeated again. In a poll to determine who has the least appropriate surname, Goodwin lost out to the reigning champion, James Cleverly.

In Britain, we celebrate the underdog. We come second with good grace, and words of congratulation to the victor. We say ‘Well done, old thing!’ and have a nice cup of tea. It’s a shame that Reform have never heard of the British Values they claim to espouse.

In conclusion, there is a simple message for Reform: You lost, get over it.

X MARKS THE PRAT : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR OWNERS OF SWASTICARS TODAY with the announcement Tesla CEO Elon Musty has issued an Executive Order rebranding the flagging EV maker as a letter of the alphabet.

The decision to make the change via Executive Order is thought to be a nod to the current USA President, Donald Trump, who is singlehandedly attempting to remake the USA along contemporary Russian lines, without bothering to do it legally.

“I”m Xtastic,” A Mark, who recently leased a Tesla, told LCD Views. “I was a little bit worried that people might see me driving Xcitedly down the road and decide I was either a XXXXing sucker or a XXXXing nazi. But now that I’m driving an X everything will be A O K. Which is three more letters of the alphabet!”

Whether or not the rebranding will work to stiffen X (former Tesla) and improve limp returns we will have to wait and see, but hopes are high among a growing number of keen observers that Tesla will soon be exactly like X (formerly Twitter – when it was useful).

“I’m hoping for more than just a badge rebrand though,” A Mark continues. “Now old Musty has called us a letter, just like his social media platform, I want it to be exactly like X. The next time I get into my car it better be full of porn, crypto and fash bots flashing their tits, make believe currencies and screaming obscenities and racist conspiracy theories at me or I’m going to feel shortchanged. Oh, and I expect it to be resprayed too with paint that’s resistant to dog poo smears.”

GOT TO BASH AN IMMIGRANT OR TWO : Waves of relief today for Labour supporters with the revelation from 10 Downing Street that Prime Minister Keir Starmer is in a “coma”.

The fantastic news comes at just the right time. When Labour launched its latest immigrant bashing campaign yesterday, drawing inspiration from Nigel Farage’s 2016 Breaking Point poster, many had started to question if they actually knew who the man they voted to be PM was. But today oil has been poured on troubled waters (this is coincidentally what Labour will try in The English Channel next week in the hope small boats will slide back to France).

“It was getting pretty desperate,” one lifelong Labour voter told LCD Views. “We had the news that water bills were going up to subsidise the massive salaries of executives in structurally bankrupt privatised companies. Why not just renationalise them? We’ve had the increase in tuition fees, continuing a failed funding model that risks bankrupting one of our most important sectors. We’ve heard that nom-doms concerns had been listened to while pensioners are freezing. Well, we’ve heard a lot of things that raised eyebrows. Well beyond the excuse of compromises while governing. At least now we can make sense of things. Starmer has no idea what anyone is doing in his name. How could he? He’s in a coma.”

As and when the PM is expected to recover consciousness is not clear as the coma is reportedly “exceptionally deep”.

The UK’s citizens are however advised to “not worry about it” because next week the Labour’s Comms team will reveal plans for a reality TV show in which a Nigel Farage lookalike will host a competition between drowning refugees fighting over a life jacket.

“You know we’ll keep your borders secure,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman commented, “now if you don’t mind I have to roll the PM over so he doesn’t get bed sores.”

TO INSANITY AND BEYOND : There are reassuring words today to comfort the huddled masses, with wise commentators confidentially exposing the maturing affect of governance on individuals who at first glance appear unsuited to high office.

“You just try and tell me that strong men with vision don’t mature in office?” a leading political commentator, writing for an outlet owned by an offshored billionaire, asked.

“When you look at the trajectory of Gaddafi, the Assads, Putin, Xi, George III, The Emperor from Stars Wars and so many others. The longer they spend in authority the more confidence they build in their own decision making. We can only imagine the highways Hitler would have constructed across Continental Europe if he hadn’t been robbed of the chance to build by a politically motivated witch hunt. Mr Trump knows his history and can build on those legacies.”

The reassurance is timely, given that it fits neatly with similar words written before Trump’s first, and current tenure in The Oval Office.

“To not allow President Trump a third term, consecutive with his current one, would be to risk undoing the work he is currently engaged in. And where would we be then?”

While there has been some speculation that Mr Trump will secure victory in the next US presidential election before it’s held, this is the first time we have confirmation of the planning.

“It’s very good for the markets,” the commentator added, “what investors want is long term stability. We can see Trump providing this today with Gaza. You know it’s a good bet now to invest in property development companies, as well as private security firms. And don’t get me started on the tech surveillance sector. It’s a gold rush. We’ll have next year’s Superbowel emblazoned with messaging of how great it is to have your own staff once more, that don’t need to be paid. We’re Making America Great Again one minority at a time.”

The only question now is where Mr Trump will set his real estate goals once Gaza-a-Lago is constructed.

“Mars. Anything to keep his bro Elon happy. And by the time we get to 2028 he’ll be ready to send Musk and his horse tranquillisers as far away as possible.”

HARD TIMES : As Nigel Farage takes pole position in the conservative political race to supplicate before Elon “Bond Super Villain” Musk, a senior Tory has clearly been thinking outside of the royal box.

”More royal box adjacent than outside,” Mamby Felchmore MP told LCD Views. “If we’re not careful the Fagash Fuhrer will get all the goodies, that by rights belong to the Tories..”

He is right to be concerned.

“We are the traditional party of massive foreign donations by magnanimous and well intentioned foreign billionaires. Look at how many roubles poured into Con coffers before old Vlad got a bit carried away. Not this upstart Nigel and his motley crew. How many peerages are there in the ranks of Reform? How many of them can trace their family wealth back to the sugar and spice trade? None. Bloody poor show. If you want to buy British politics you have to buy Conservative.”

The goodies are substantial, with on paper billionaire, Musk, openly stating his openness to donate a sum of money sufficient to destroy British democracy.

”The tech gods have been working to end the good chap model of government for over a decade. We need to be there helping. It’s not a question of if but when now. I don’t want to be watching some other monkey dance in front of the organ when it could be me.”

But how is Felchmore planning to elbow his way in front of Farage?

”Simple. Old fashioned power politics. We offer Musk a royal princess. Form an alliance in the traditional way. He likes wives. Why not have a British one next time?”

Buy British?

”It’s the best you can buy. Our Royals are still our governors. Not like the pretend monarchies on the Continent. Elon needs to remember, he self-evidently can’t buy class, but he can buy influence in our politics and I’m for sale!”

PAY TO PLAY : Great news for citizens of liberal democracies wondering when the hell their governing parties will get to grips with the distorting influence of big money in democracies.

Speaking earlier today a leading think tank, FURS, said it was publishing an outline of the way forward.

”We can all see the corrupting influence of corporate lobbyists in our day to day lives,” Mr Moni Bags told LCD Views, “and especially damaging is the way hardworking voters feel increasingly excluded from the systems of government. The danger of extremist parties, and heads of state, is all too real.”

FURS thinks it’s time something was done to give voters back “democratic equity”.

”To address the shortfall in return for voters we suggest that all politicians, be they in government or opposition, should be accessible by everyone. This is why we are suggesting they are listed as commodities on all major stock exchanges.”

By listing the politicians small investors will be able to “speculate” on leading political lights and “pension funds and cooperatives can potentially purchase an entire seat in Parliament or a House representative.”

The London Stock Exchange is expected to be the first to trial the political commodities as a way to make up for the “slow bleed to death of Brexit”.

”Imagine the possibilities,” the spokesman says, “you don’t like chemical industry lobbyists killing your bees then just buy the relevant MPs. Work as communities to create investor funds and get stuck in.”

FURS and LCD Views would like to reassure people that this is not investment advice and no legal liability is due.

”However, say you see a billionaire attempting to buy one of your MPs in order to create a new feudalism? Well, if you’re smart you’ll get in and buy that MP while they are cheap and wait for the price to rise on the exchange once the serious money gets involved. Cash out before the peak and live easy.”

WHO IS PAYING THE FAG ASH PIPER : A well known British part-time parliamentarian and fishing industry advocate has taken aim at the “woke London Underground”.

Speaking at noon (Moscow Standard Time) the Member for Nowhere let fire at commuters who he claimed were “staging a fifth columnist, Trokysite, Maduroist takeover of London’s iconic subterranean transport infrastructure”.

The “reddest of red flags” appeared to be “not all, but definitely 48% of commuters following signs” to walk on the left.

”I am not saying Sadiq Khan is quietly staging a communist takeover of our great capital, but it’s fair to ask the question if he is actually subliminally brainwashing Londoners into doing everything on the left. Especially politics. Which is obvious when you look at who keeps winning the mayoral elections.”

City Hall has not yet responded to the accusations, but an internal insider did tell LCD Views, off the record, that “If Mr Farage would like to put his questions from his Clapton constituency we will be glad to answer them.”

On this condition it is unlikely the question and answer session will ever occur.

However the MP for Himself did say he was planning to walk “down the right side of any Underground escalator” if the dark day ever dawned when his man of the people chauffeur was unavailable to drive him to “work”.

MAKE DEMOCRACY GREAT AGAIN : The world’s greatest ever President, Donald Trump, has moved to alleviate concerns that he will not peacefully relinquish power the second time around.

Clutching a tired looking pacifier, wearing a filthy bib and sitting very straight in a red, white and blue toy car Donald spoke to a handpicked boogie, and some handpicked brocasters.

”MINE! MINE! MINE!” The President-elect (probably) said in words transcribed by the chosen press core as “Nothing is more important to me than upholding the democratic traditions that have seen our great nation prosper since The War of Independence.”

The press event will do much to alleviate concerns of many Americans and their allies that having tried letting horned lunatics rampage around the capital once, he might just do it again.

”You can’t lose elections you don’t have,” an insider told LCD Views. “It’s a bit like you can’t do jail time if you’re never sentenced.”

”Clearly there is nothing more important than a smooth transition of power at the end of a presidential term. Just look at the show being put on by the Bidens. Hilariously pious. And we will definitely learn lessons from their example.”

For his part Donald has promised to do further press conferences before, and after returning to power.

“[Maybe for hours at a time. Just me to camera. The people will know I am President as I address their concerns over anything from egg prices to hair implants.]”

As to the manner of the peaceful handover of power, next time, a spokesman for the incoming administration took time out from preparing for his criminal trial to bring clarity.

”No one should believe the crank, anti-free speech brigade who say Mr Trump won’t give it up freely next time. He will. Either Donald junior or Musky will get it. Whoever wins the mud-wrestling contest to be held in 2028 in either Moscow, or Saudi Arabia. It depends who is the highest bidder.”