Category: Democracy

NEW LABOUR, OLD DANGER: Sir Keir Starmer has marked the end of the summer by removing the official portrait of his most notorious predecessor. The ageless ex-Premier will henceforth reside in the Downing Street attic.

Thatcher will have exalted company in her elevated position. The attic is reserved for iconic figures who have impacted the country in a significant way. Her attic mates include Neville Chamberlain, Liz Truss, and Boris Johnson.

Officials have denied that the move is an attempt by Starmer to achieve immortality.

“That’s a Wilde accusation,” claimed spokesleftie Dorian Redd. “Although it does explain how a lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”

There is a less sinister explanation.

“Since the Tories had so many Prime Ministers in the last fourteen years, there was simply no space left on the Downing Street staircase,” said Redd. “Mind you, the portrait of Boris Johnson was so large that it covered up all the other portraits, and it had to have its own scaffolding just to bear the weight.”

Johnson’s portrait had to be dismantled entirely, and the plush gilt frame melted down.

“The gold we retrieved was sold, and the proceeds managed to fill one of the black holes in the inherited budget,” said Redd. “The picture itself was folded with a delicacy that Johnson himself might have recognised, it was shoved into a plastic carrier bag from Lidl and dumped into a corner of the attic.”

Thatcher’s portrait is alleged to have snorted in disgust at the incident.

“The staircase is no longer a Health & Safety hazard,” said Redd. “Rishi Sunak was forever tripping over it, which was why he used the helicopter every time he went upstairs to bed.”

The attic is the place where responsibility is borne. Any PM with a clean conscience will be happy to end up in the attic. Which is why most of them are on the staircase.

START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON : As the UK reels from the shock result last week of no longer having a government determined to smear its hands in shit and clap for all the world to see everyone is wondering how the surviving Conservative MPs will react, in opposition.

In an exclusive interview with first the BBC, ITV, SKY, GBBEES and LCD Views, Sluice Fucbouquet, the heroic Con MP for Batface-on-Thigh, explained the strategic reasoning.

”Imagine if we’d told even an iota of the truth during the general election campaign?” he asked, in what was a surprising twist to start the interview. “It would have been a disaster.”

Sluice is right.

”Who is responsible for record NHS waiting lists? Who reduced the armed forces? Who put the poo in the water? Who treated the pandemic like a get even richer quick scheme? You see my point? Anything approaching honesty over the last 14 years would have been an extinction level event.”

But when queried over how long Sluice thought lying would keep the party relevant he was less confident.

”Look, we have to hope all the people who say Starmer is just a Tory are right. If they are nothing will get fixed and we’ll be bang to rights to be back in power in no time. We are after all, the natural party of government.”

Which presumably explains why having a government that suddenly seems intent on not smearing its hands in shit and clapping is proving something of an adjustment. Especially for Westminster correspondents.

Healing takes time.

”Pass the bucket,” Sluice requested, “I’ve an interview with Rees-mogg and that’s when we clap the hardest.”

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH : The Tory candidate for Fook-on-Wow, Calvin Climate, has been barred from standing in the upcoming July general election after a serious breach of Tory Party rules.

In a fictional email seen by LCD Views the Prime Minister Rishi Sunak writes personally to Mr Climate to tell him it’s over. While we can not disclose the contents of the terminal missive completely due to an NDA, we can provide the gist.

The gist is essentially that anyone voting based on lived experience is not going to vote Conservative, as such the former candidate is a “traitor” and a “woke captured fifth columnist saboteur enemy of the people”, normally characteristics that ensure a candidacy. But not in this case.

Mr. Climate has not spoken to the press personally, because he’s an invention cooked up on the spur of the moment while walking the dog in nearby woods this morning. He has however allowed a close friend, who also doesn’t exist, to say the following,

”Climate is a total nodding dog. He’s parroted whatever barefaced lie the PM has asked him to do. All the PMs! From 2010 onwards. He is devastated to be deprived of the opportunity to add cabinet minister to his CV in order to make his contact book more attractive when he is eventually pushed out of front line politics following a lobbying sex scandal involving vicuñas later in the year.”

It’s believed Mr. Climate will be “stepping back now” to focus on his mistress.

”It’s quite the blow. All he said was the only difference between English sparkling wine and French champagne is the taste. Hardly a hanging offence.”

LOATHE HIM OR LOATHE HIM : The man who put the multi into tasking, the BBC’s Director of Political Programming, is seeking to add another in-tray to his leaning tower of work Pisa.

Not content with being sole media content director at the national broadcaster, alongside Tory Party leader, Donald Trump fluffer and a major policy steer for Labour, Nigle Fartage is looking to spend one day a week hearing complaints about bin collections while seagulls fight infants for scraps on the seafront.

Admittedly he may only have the time to commit to Clacton after his role as unofficial Russian Foreign Policy Attaché to 10 Downing Street was reduced to a part-time position.

”It’s a virtuous circle,” an insider close to the Director told LCD Views, “what better way to ensure his limited company, Refcuk, gets more airtime on the Beeb than to be an MP? Before long the UK media landscape will look like the poster for Being John Malkovich, only the man featured will be Britain’s greatest patriot since Law Haw-Haw!”

When questioned how he would feel if the people of Clacton decide not to elect him as their representative, the insider was nonchalant.

”He prefers working remotely anyway. Any actual responsibility and he won’t have the free time to dream up more ways to put British turds on British beaches again. That is, make the most of Brexit.”

MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL: The phoney war has begun, and the biggest phoney of them all has just phoned in his candidacy. To counter his strangely attractive brand of unpleasantness, the other candidates have announced their counter-measure.

“The idea was simple,” said Clacton hopeful Sandie Beach. “Farage was beaten by a chap in a dolphin costume before. It can be done again!”

In fact, in an unusual display of cooperation, even the Conservative candidate has agreed to participate in the stunt. The opposition to Farage has dubbed itself the ‘Dolphin Alliance’.

“I had no chance of winning anyway,” said the Tory hopeless, Lurch Tudor-Wright. “So I may as well join in the fun and dress up with the others. These woke lefties aren’t a bad bunch, when you get to know them!”

All’s fair in love or war, it seems.

There is only one problem. The sea is now too dirty for real dolphins, or even cleansing Clacton’s unwashed urchins. All candidates have been warned to stay at least 100 metres from the sea front.

“We are going to have to pose in front of one of the boarded-up arcades instead,” said Beach sadly. “No chance of campaigning on the sandy shore, not that there’s much sand these days. We used to have a blue flag, now it’s brown. We can’t make any quips about a sea change. No jokes about swimming against the tide.”

Although a sea change is literally what Clacton* needs.

Tudor-Wright was sanguine. “Even I wouldn’t vote for the Tories,” he said sadly. “Although I might vote for a Tory prepared to dress up as a marine mammal for shits and giggles.”

There’s something distinctly fishy about the Dolphin Alliance. But will the stunt serve its porpoise? As for Nigel Farage, he can get in the sea.

*Other seaside resorts are available.

STRONG AND STABLE ELECTIONEERING : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister Rishi “Frank Spencer” Sunak is said to be in a stable condition today after self-inflicted gunshot wounds to both feet.

”Shortly before 6am this morning ambulances were called to provide emergency medical intervention for the Prime Minister,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

Reportedly the alarm was raised after Mr Sunak was found struggling to walk on the campaign trail and holding a smoking gun.

”Initial reports say that the PM was suspected of having disarmed an assailant until it was revealed he was the assailant and he was still armed.”

Hostage negotiators were also called as the response turned to also preventing the hapless PM from further self-inflicted injuries.

”At the time the alarm was raised it did appear Mr Sunak was aiming the gun at his knees and looking to finish the job he started,” the spokesman adds, “but trained professionals were able to steady the situation by playing ‘California Dreamin’’ by the Mamas n Papas and repeatedly chanting only six more weeks, six more weeks.”

It is further understood no police action is anticipated over the attack as Mr Sunak is not minded to press charges against himself.

”It is an evolving situation though,” the spokesman explains, “as the likelihood of further self-inflicted wounds remains very high so long as Mr Sunak remains loose and able to make decision for himself.”

There is currently thought to be no immediate risk of the PM having to suspend campaigning while he recovers as “a clown car has been found to ferry him about from calamity to calamity under it all comes crashing to a halt in the end.”

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM: Priapic prior PM Boris Johnson is on his usual good form. He only hears what he wants to hear, and the word ‘election’ isn’t quite to his taste.

When it comes to a choice of taking the red pill or the blue pill, there is only one choice for Johnson. Who needs reality when you have viagra?

One man who has become rich off the back of Johnson’s urges is pill pusher Willie Hardern. “Yeah, Boris has always been a great customer,” said Hardern, supervising while several pallets of tablets were loaded into an unmarked van. “That’s his latest order on the way now, it’s double his usual monthly prescription. I wonder what’s going on this time?”

Is it the general election?

“Ah, yes, he did say something like that,” said Hardern. “He did say he had to make a principled stand.”

I didn’t think that Johnson had any principles whatsoever.

“That’s not true!” insisted Hardern. “He does have one. The self-serving principle.”

The principal principle.

“Exactly.,” said Hardern  “Now he also said he wanted to run something up the flagpole.”

I wonder what that could have been.

“He ended by shouting ‘I’m backing Britain!’ At least, I think he said ‘backing’.”

Never let it be said that Boris Johnsons is dicking about. He will always stand up for Britain, or at least for himself.

And presumably Carrie will bear the brunt of his patriotism? “Carrie who?” said Johnson’s minder, Tim Tamms. “Oh, the wife? I’d forgotten about her. Boris moved on months ago. I can’t remember who the current one is, but she’s blonde and pretty. As usual. There have been so many. And they all look alike. Oh look, here’s the shipment of viagra. Looks like the girls will be working a double shift this month.”

It’s an almighty cock-up.

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING are all on the shopping list. The looting window is closing, rapidly. There are only 42 looting days left until the long summer holiday. And this is a summer holiday that could last forever.

The mood in Westminster is feverish. The pigs with their snouts in the trough are running around like headless chickens. They are scared that they will have to get off the gravy train and onto Southern Rail, on the off-chance that a real train will arrive.

The gloves are off. The masks have slipped. “This is no time for subterfuge and playing the long game,” said Tory MP Max Swindells. “I have only 42 days to put my latest scam – I mean, policy – into action. No time to placate the PM or even the Daily Mail. It must be done NOW! While there’s still time.”

And what is this great scam – I mean, policy?

“Railway stations,” said Swindells. “Look at the platforms. All that space which could be monetised. Commuters will pay for their own space on their own platform, the better the spot, the more they pay. A space on the edge by the doors for coach 1 will cost more than that odd corner between the fire buckets and the toilets. I’ll forge the King’s signature and everything. No time, must dash.”

And Swindells was gone.

Similar schemes were everywhere. Plans to charge individuals for breathing. Taxes on using the lavatory to pay for cleaning up the sewage and bigger water company dividends. A plan to legalise drugs so that drug dealers can be taxed to the limit, albeit with a lifetime’s free supply for Michael Gove.

And while his minions squabble over the remains of the Exchequer, PM-for-now Rishi Sunak is booking a very long holiday, beginning on July 5th.

So long, and thanks for all the Great British fish.

EVEN BIGGER SOCIETY : The architect of the current state of the United Kingdom, Lord David Cameron of Boy Wonder, is rumoured to be in advanced talks to join Labour.

”He’s privately very panicked,” a source claiming to be close to the Lord told LCD Views, “if Rishi ever calls that GE it’s curtains. And I don’t mean merely a new refurb of 10 Downing Street.”

The big feelings in Big Dave are said to be based on the terror of becoming unemployed.

”Clearly balancing the budget, if subject to managed decline, won’t be an issue for the Lord. Only people foolish enough to be born poor have to fret over that. Wealthy people like the Lord don’t know how much they have because their finances are sensibly managed.”

What is the concern then?

”He’s worried he’ll be sent packing, well his staff will do the packing, anyway, sent back to the cavernous Shepherd’s Hut Shed with Sam banging on about what colour to repaint it and nagging him to talk to his personal stylist. It’s just so soul crushingly dull. He’ll die of boredom. But swanning around the globe at taxpayers expense being greeted like royalty due to his accent? That’s a life well lived.”

But would Labour countenance such a defection?

”Don’t be daft,” our source replied, “they’re still pledging to Make Brexit Work even though Brexit is about as workable as a nostalgia and class driven so called representative democracy with a birthright based and democratically unaccountable Head of State in the 21st Century when London is the world’s laundromat and social media tycoons provide the majority of people’s information via algorithms designed to manipulate their every thought. Of course they’ll do it. Without a second thought.”

WHATEVER YOU WANT: Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is bucking the Status Quo. In his desperate wish to be a popular populist, he is trying to gain popularity amongst the population properly. But is he a Matchstick Man or a straw man?

“I’m listening to the electorate,” said Sunak in his keynote speech at one of the private, opaquely-funded far-right Tufton Street think-tanks. “Look!” He covered his little ears with his little hands. “La la la!” he said happily.

The right wing media gobbled up this nonsense happily and reported it as fact.

“I’m not only listening, but I’m looking as well!” he continued. Sunak put on a pair of dark glasses and pretended not to notice questions coming from allegedly competent journalists.

“All you need to do is to tell me what you’re proposing,” Sunak said. “I’m a public servant, I’m YOUR public servant, ready to enact the Will Of The People.”

We all remember how well that went last time.

“You can trust me, just look at how I’ve delivered on my promises!” he boasted. “You said you wanted me to stop the boats, and that’s going really well. We are disposing of the surplus population one by one, to Rwanda. Outsourcing the problem always works. The paper tiger is sending them away on a paper plane!”

It’s possible that the AI bot which writes Sunak’s speeches needs to recalibrate its analogy filter.

“So just talk to me,” he said. “No, not you!” he snarled at one of the woke leftists who had attended on the pretext of ‘writing for a newspaper’ and raised his hand to ask a question. “I’m here, ready to roll over lay down for you, the Great British Public. Simply say ‘Brexit’ three times and cross your fingers, and it will happen.”

“Are you going to call a general election? That’s what the people want!” yelled the woke leftist desperately, as Sunak’s goons dragged his sorry arse out of the door to deposit him on the Tufton Street pavement.

“No,” replied Sunak.

He’s going down, down, deeper and down.