Category: Democracy

HARD TIMES : As Nigel Farage takes pole position in the conservative political race to supplicate before Elon “Bond Super Villain” Musk, a senior Tory has clearly been thinking outside of the royal box.

”More royal box adjacent than outside,” Mamby Felchmore MP told LCD Views. “If we’re not careful the Fagash Fuhrer will get all the goodies, that by rights belong to the Tories..”

He is right to be concerned.

“We are the traditional party of massive foreign donations by magnanimous and well intentioned foreign billionaires. Look at how many roubles poured into Con coffers before old Vlad got a bit carried away. Not this upstart Nigel and his motley crew. How many peerages are there in the ranks of Reform? How many of them can trace their family wealth back to the sugar and spice trade? None. Bloody poor show. If you want to buy British politics you have to buy Conservative.”

The goodies are substantial, with on paper billionaire, Musk, openly stating his openness to donate a sum of money sufficient to destroy British democracy.

”The tech gods have been working to end the good chap model of government for over a decade. We need to be there helping. It’s not a question of if but when now. I don’t want to be watching some other monkey dance in front of the organ when it could be me.”

But how is Felchmore planning to elbow his way in front of Farage?

”Simple. Old fashioned power politics. We offer Musk a royal princess. Form an alliance in the traditional way. He likes wives. Why not have a British one next time?”

Buy British?

”It’s the best you can buy. Our Royals are still our governors. Not like the pretend monarchies on the Continent. Elon needs to remember, he self-evidently can’t buy class, but he can buy influence in our politics and I’m for sale!”

PAY TO PLAY : Great news for citizens of liberal democracies wondering when the hell their governing parties will get to grips with the distorting influence of big money in democracies.

Speaking earlier today a leading think tank, FURS, said it was publishing an outline of the way forward.

”We can all see the corrupting influence of corporate lobbyists in our day to day lives,” Mr Moni Bags told LCD Views, “and especially damaging is the way hardworking voters feel increasingly excluded from the systems of government. The danger of extremist parties, and heads of state, is all too real.”

FURS thinks it’s time something was done to give voters back “democratic equity”.

”To address the shortfall in return for voters we suggest that all politicians, be they in government or opposition, should be accessible by everyone. This is why we are suggesting they are listed as commodities on all major stock exchanges.”

By listing the politicians small investors will be able to “speculate” on leading political lights and “pension funds and cooperatives can potentially purchase an entire seat in Parliament or a House representative.”

The London Stock Exchange is expected to be the first to trial the political commodities as a way to make up for the “slow bleed to death of Brexit”.

”Imagine the possibilities,” the spokesman says, “you don’t like chemical industry lobbyists killing your bees then just buy the relevant MPs. Work as communities to create investor funds and get stuck in.”

FURS and LCD Views would like to reassure people that this is not investment advice and no legal liability is due.

”However, say you see a billionaire attempting to buy one of your MPs in order to create a new feudalism? Well, if you’re smart you’ll get in and buy that MP while they are cheap and wait for the price to rise on the exchange once the serious money gets involved. Cash out before the peak and live easy.”

WHO IS PAYING THE FAG ASH PIPER : A well known British part-time parliamentarian and fishing industry advocate has taken aim at the “woke London Underground”.

Speaking at noon (Moscow Standard Time) the Member for Nowhere let fire at commuters who he claimed were “staging a fifth columnist, Trokysite, Maduroist takeover of London’s iconic subterranean transport infrastructure”.

The “reddest of red flags” appeared to be “not all, but definitely 48% of commuters following signs” to walk on the left.

”I am not saying Sadiq Khan is quietly staging a communist takeover of our great capital, but it’s fair to ask the question if he is actually subliminally brainwashing Londoners into doing everything on the left. Especially politics. Which is obvious when you look at who keeps winning the mayoral elections.”

City Hall has not yet responded to the accusations, but an internal insider did tell LCD Views, off the record, that “If Mr Farage would like to put his questions from his Clapton constituency we will be glad to answer them.”

On this condition it is unlikely the question and answer session will ever occur.

However the MP for Himself did say he was planning to walk “down the right side of any Underground escalator” if the dark day ever dawned when his man of the people chauffeur was unavailable to drive him to “work”.

MAKE DEMOCRACY GREAT AGAIN : The world’s greatest ever President, Donald Trump, has moved to alleviate concerns that he will not peacefully relinquish power the second time around.

Clutching a tired looking pacifier, wearing a filthy bib and sitting very straight in a red, white and blue toy car Donald spoke to a handpicked boogie, and some handpicked brocasters.

”MINE! MINE! MINE!” The President-elect (probably) said in words transcribed by the chosen press core as “Nothing is more important to me than upholding the democratic traditions that have seen our great nation prosper since The War of Independence.”

The press event will do much to alleviate concerns of many Americans and their allies that having tried letting horned lunatics rampage around the capital once, he might just do it again.

”You can’t lose elections you don’t have,” an insider told LCD Views. “It’s a bit like you can’t do jail time if you’re never sentenced.”

”Clearly there is nothing more important than a smooth transition of power at the end of a presidential term. Just look at the show being put on by the Bidens. Hilariously pious. And we will definitely learn lessons from their example.”

For his part Donald has promised to do further press conferences before, and after returning to power.

“[Maybe for hours at a time. Just me to camera. The people will know I am President as I address their concerns over anything from egg prices to hair implants.]”

As to the manner of the peaceful handover of power, next time, a spokesman for the incoming administration took time out from preparing for his criminal trial to bring clarity.

”No one should believe the crank, anti-free speech brigade who say Mr Trump won’t give it up freely next time. He will. Either Donald junior or Musky will get it. Whoever wins the mud-wrestling contest to be held in 2028 in either Moscow, or Saudi Arabia. It depends who is the highest bidder.”

NEW LABOUR, OLD DANGER: Sir Keir Starmer has marked the end of the summer by removing the official portrait of his most notorious predecessor. The ageless ex-Premier will henceforth reside in the Downing Street attic.

Thatcher will have exalted company in her elevated position. The attic is reserved for iconic figures who have impacted the country in a significant way. Her attic mates include Neville Chamberlain, Liz Truss, and Boris Johnson.

Officials have denied that the move is an attempt by Starmer to achieve immortality.

“That’s a Wilde accusation,” claimed spokesleftie Dorian Redd. “Although it does explain how a lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”

There is a less sinister explanation.

“Since the Tories had so many Prime Ministers in the last fourteen years, there was simply no space left on the Downing Street staircase,” said Redd. “Mind you, the portrait of Boris Johnson was so large that it covered up all the other portraits, and it had to have its own scaffolding just to bear the weight.”

Johnson’s portrait had to be dismantled entirely, and the plush gilt frame melted down.

“The gold we retrieved was sold, and the proceeds managed to fill one of the black holes in the inherited budget,” said Redd. “The picture itself was folded with a delicacy that Johnson himself might have recognised, it was shoved into a plastic carrier bag from Lidl and dumped into a corner of the attic.”

Thatcher’s portrait is alleged to have snorted in disgust at the incident.

“The staircase is no longer a Health & Safety hazard,” said Redd. “Rishi Sunak was forever tripping over it, which was why he used the helicopter every time he went upstairs to bed.”

The attic is the place where responsibility is borne. Any PM with a clean conscience will be happy to end up in the attic. Which is why most of them are on the staircase.

START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON : As the UK reels from the shock result last week of no longer having a government determined to smear its hands in shit and clap for all the world to see everyone is wondering how the surviving Conservative MPs will react, in opposition.

In an exclusive interview with first the BBC, ITV, SKY, GBBEES and LCD Views, Sluice Fucbouquet, the heroic Con MP for Batface-on-Thigh, explained the strategic reasoning.

”Imagine if we’d told even an iota of the truth during the general election campaign?” he asked, in what was a surprising twist to start the interview. “It would have been a disaster.”

Sluice is right.

”Who is responsible for record NHS waiting lists? Who reduced the armed forces? Who put the poo in the water? Who treated the pandemic like a get even richer quick scheme? You see my point? Anything approaching honesty over the last 14 years would have been an extinction level event.”

But when queried over how long Sluice thought lying would keep the party relevant he was less confident.

”Look, we have to hope all the people who say Starmer is just a Tory are right. If they are nothing will get fixed and we’ll be bang to rights to be back in power in no time. We are after all, the natural party of government.”

Which presumably explains why having a government that suddenly seems intent on not smearing its hands in shit and clapping is proving something of an adjustment. Especially for Westminster correspondents.

Healing takes time.

”Pass the bucket,” Sluice requested, “I’ve an interview with Rees-mogg and that’s when we clap the hardest.”

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH : The Tory candidate for Fook-on-Wow, Calvin Climate, has been barred from standing in the upcoming July general election after a serious breach of Tory Party rules.

In a fictional email seen by LCD Views the Prime Minister Rishi Sunak writes personally to Mr Climate to tell him it’s over. While we can not disclose the contents of the terminal missive completely due to an NDA, we can provide the gist.

The gist is essentially that anyone voting based on lived experience is not going to vote Conservative, as such the former candidate is a “traitor” and a “woke captured fifth columnist saboteur enemy of the people”, normally characteristics that ensure a candidacy. But not in this case.

Mr. Climate has not spoken to the press personally, because he’s an invention cooked up on the spur of the moment while walking the dog in nearby woods this morning. He has however allowed a close friend, who also doesn’t exist, to say the following,

”Climate is a total nodding dog. He’s parroted whatever barefaced lie the PM has asked him to do. All the PMs! From 2010 onwards. He is devastated to be deprived of the opportunity to add cabinet minister to his CV in order to make his contact book more attractive when he is eventually pushed out of front line politics following a lobbying sex scandal involving vicuñas later in the year.”

It’s believed Mr. Climate will be “stepping back now” to focus on his mistress.

”It’s quite the blow. All he said was the only difference between English sparkling wine and French champagne is the taste. Hardly a hanging offence.”

LOATHE HIM OR LOATHE HIM : The man who put the multi into tasking, the BBC’s Director of Political Programming, is seeking to add another in-tray to his leaning tower of work Pisa.

Not content with being sole media content director at the national broadcaster, alongside Tory Party leader, Donald Trump fluffer and a major policy steer for Labour, Nigle Fartage is looking to spend one day a week hearing complaints about bin collections while seagulls fight infants for scraps on the seafront.

Admittedly he may only have the time to commit to Clacton after his role as unofficial Russian Foreign Policy Attaché to 10 Downing Street was reduced to a part-time position.

”It’s a virtuous circle,” an insider close to the Director told LCD Views, “what better way to ensure his limited company, Refcuk, gets more airtime on the Beeb than to be an MP? Before long the UK media landscape will look like the poster for Being John Malkovich, only the man featured will be Britain’s greatest patriot since Law Haw-Haw!”

When questioned how he would feel if the people of Clacton decide not to elect him as their representative, the insider was nonchalant.

”He prefers working remotely anyway. Any actual responsibility and he won’t have the free time to dream up more ways to put British turds on British beaches again. That is, make the most of Brexit.”

MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL: The phoney war has begun, and the biggest phoney of them all has just phoned in his candidacy. To counter his strangely attractive brand of unpleasantness, the other candidates have announced their counter-measure.

“The idea was simple,” said Clacton hopeful Sandie Beach. “Farage was beaten by a chap in a dolphin costume before. It can be done again!”

In fact, in an unusual display of cooperation, even the Conservative candidate has agreed to participate in the stunt. The opposition to Farage has dubbed itself the ‘Dolphin Alliance’.

“I had no chance of winning anyway,” said the Tory hopeless, Lurch Tudor-Wright. “So I may as well join in the fun and dress up with the others. These woke lefties aren’t a bad bunch, when you get to know them!”

All’s fair in love or war, it seems.

There is only one problem. The sea is now too dirty for real dolphins, or even cleansing Clacton’s unwashed urchins. All candidates have been warned to stay at least 100 metres from the sea front.

“We are going to have to pose in front of one of the boarded-up arcades instead,” said Beach sadly. “No chance of campaigning on the sandy shore, not that there’s much sand these days. We used to have a blue flag, now it’s brown. We can’t make any quips about a sea change. No jokes about swimming against the tide.”

Although a sea change is literally what Clacton* needs.

Tudor-Wright was sanguine. “Even I wouldn’t vote for the Tories,” he said sadly. “Although I might vote for a Tory prepared to dress up as a marine mammal for shits and giggles.”

There’s something distinctly fishy about the Dolphin Alliance. But will the stunt serve its porpoise? As for Nigel Farage, he can get in the sea.

*Other seaside resorts are available.

STRONG AND STABLE ELECTIONEERING : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister Rishi “Frank Spencer” Sunak is said to be in a stable condition today after self-inflicted gunshot wounds to both feet.

”Shortly before 6am this morning ambulances were called to provide emergency medical intervention for the Prime Minister,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

Reportedly the alarm was raised after Mr Sunak was found struggling to walk on the campaign trail and holding a smoking gun.

”Initial reports say that the PM was suspected of having disarmed an assailant until it was revealed he was the assailant and he was still armed.”

Hostage negotiators were also called as the response turned to also preventing the hapless PM from further self-inflicted injuries.

”At the time the alarm was raised it did appear Mr Sunak was aiming the gun at his knees and looking to finish the job he started,” the spokesman adds, “but trained professionals were able to steady the situation by playing ‘California Dreamin’’ by the Mamas n Papas and repeatedly chanting only six more weeks, six more weeks.”

It is further understood no police action is anticipated over the attack as Mr Sunak is not minded to press charges against himself.

”It is an evolving situation though,” the spokesman explains, “as the likelihood of further self-inflicted wounds remains very high so long as Mr Sunak remains loose and able to make decision for himself.”

There is currently thought to be no immediate risk of the PM having to suspend campaigning while he recovers as “a clown car has been found to ferry him about from calamity to calamity under it all comes crashing to a halt in the end.”