Category: Brexit

IF IT AIN’T BROKE, FIX IT ANYWAY: Ice cold Brexit chief Lord Frost has issued the ultimate ultimatum. He is to tell his EU counterparts that, because they were so European, they forced Brexit on us, so now they must sort out the current deadlock over Northern Ireland. 

Frost has expressed “deep dismay” at the way the Northern Ireland Protocol, that he negotiated, and that Boris Johnson sold as “oven ready”, actually operates. 

“It doesn’t solve the problem of the Irish border,” Frost announced today. “There should be no border, anywhere. That is our priority!” 

But there is a land border, like it or not, with the EU. 

“There shouldn’t be!” retorted Frost. “This is Ireland’s fault for not leaving the EU with the rest of England, even though we told them it would solve all our problems!” 

Ireland said no, but you still went ahead regardless. 

“In full expectation that the EU would snap into line with us!” he snapped. “They failed to align with us, so the problems are theirs!” 

Didn’t the EU supply some solutions to the difficulties caused by the Protocol? 

“Yes, but they didn’t suggest what we expected them to suggest,” said Frost suggestively. “So we had to reject them out of hand. This intransigence is getting us nowhere.” 

At last, something we can agree upon. What if the EU managed to read your mind and offer everything you wanted? 

“No, that’s no good at all,” replied Frost. “The EU forced this on us, the EU must solve all the problems, and we must reject everything, because we suspect that otherwise the Germans will sneak something subtle past us to get their revenge for beating them in Euro 2020.”

Which means that your attitude guarantees stalemate, the obstacles will never be overcome, and the UK will sink into obscurity. 

“Yes, but that’s not important,” said Frost. “The real issue is making sure that the EU is to blame for the situation.” 

If it’s broke, don’t fix it, just blame somebody else?

“In a nutshell, yes.” 

HUNGRY BREXIT : Downing Street has issued a rare plea for compliance on behalf of the Great British public as the consequences of its choices come back to bite.

It’s believed the Prime Minister himself will dress as a supermarket shelf stacker today as reports of shortages of food across the U.K. flood social media.

“He’ll go to his local Sainsbury’s and stack the shelves with those amazing new cardboard shelf fillers that supermarkets are using to show where food used to be,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“It will be riveting viewing. There will be some gags along the way too. It won’t all be hard work. I reckon there’s an odds on chance of a reference to The Peloponnesian War too.”

The cardboard shelf fillers have become a stand out feature of grocery shopping recently as supermarkets attempt to reassure shoppers that there will be adequate food. But to some they look like the chalk outline where a grocery murder occurred.

“It’s important that everyone understands it’s not Brexit that is to be blame,” the source adds, “the Continental HGV drivers were always getting stuck in English villages because they used foreign satnavs. Instead of learning to navigate properly they gave up. It’s nothing to do with Brexit and Priti Patel ending freedom of movement once and for all.”

Additional causes of the food shortages appear to be the NHS app, which keeps telling people to stay home to slow the spread of the virus.

“That is incredibly irresponsible and works contrary to the let it rip policy we’ve adopted, although does help confuse people and muddy our true intentions, I grant you.”

However it’s a hidden flaw in the app which has been called out for doing the most damage.

“Giving people a 10% discount on grocery deliveries if they get pinged has been disastrous. In my opinion we need to spend another £37bn and have Dido redesign it to just be about viruses and not online food deliveries.”

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR : DOWNING STREET is to “hit back” today at the lack of patriotism in the general population as the inevitable Brexit food shortages begin.

It’s believed concern has been growing within the executive for many weeks over what is perceived as a “lack of true grit” amongst voters which is threatening to “undermine the settled will of the people”.

It’s understood a special working group will be set up at “maximum taxpayer expense” to formulate “a plan with more roundabouts and u-turns in it than the Tour de France” to take the fight to “the British people”.

A poster campaign is planned on bus shelters and billboards with morale building slogans such as “weight loss is great loss” and “keep life moving”. As soon as a word that rhymes with “fasting” is found those two will also form the basis of a robust slogan.

“We can’t have all this moaning just because there’s no fresh fruit and veg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “People have had more than long enough to dig compost into their apartment balconies and prepare their own allotments.”

Mercifully supplies of fine food, delicacies and wines for MPs are not yet under threat.

“The RAF is on standby to airlift in whatever vintages we are running short of,” the source reassures, “and a special cash fund called ‘Liquid Emergency’ has been set aside so aircrew can purchase bottles directly from vintners on the Continent.”

The people however are reminded to be respectful of the “demands of high office and the requirement to keep well lubricated”.

“It’s important everyone blames the food shortages on Brussels or the pandemic,” the source adds. “It is of no consequence that there are no food shortages across the Channel. UK media never bother to look further than the White Cliffs of Dover.”

You can do your bit by stiffening your upper lip and giving your kids a “swift clip behind the ears” should they complain about cat litter replacing cereal for breakfast.

At no stage must anyone seek to undermine Brexit. Priti Patel will soon be making that a crime.

KNOW THYSELF : The United Kingdom is globally regarded as possessing some of the finest accents and biggest idiots ever seen on the planet, and most of them are currently in government. But you don’t have to be in government to be a world beating idiot. And you don’t have to be in government to give interviews.

The idiot in question today is of course self-obsessed, self-appointed super-genius Dominic Cummings. The architect of the lies that won it for Leave and so these days, HGV driver shortages.

Mr Cummings has been prickly since birth, but none more so since the incoming American government of Joe Biden phoned 10 Downing Street last December to say he had to go. Out the front door holding a cardboard box. Because that’s how US viewers want to see high profile firings.

Mr Johnson may have done what he had to do to keep his name on the scrap of paper used as a bookmark in Mr Biden’s good book, but Dom is never going to be reconciled to it. It’s pay pack time. The man who knows all is telling all.

“It’s just a shame he’s only, so far, told us the bleeding obvious,” our Westminster watcher comments. “Thanks Dom, we’ve been living through the endless shithousery you’ve helped orchestrate, we know it. And the people who need to hear it read the Mail, so well let’s have a slow hand clap for Dom.”

While that savage criticism holds good as a general principle to anything Dom has done since leaving No 10, last night’s interview with the Conservative Party media relations manager did hold one nugget of novelty.

“I knew Boris Johnson was completely unsuitable for office. That’s why I helped put him into Downing Street,” Mr Cummings said (well that or words like it), “and I did it because I’m a super genius.”

LOOK UP IN THE SKY : It’s a good thing the legend currently infesting 10 Downing Street isn’t into gesture politics or nothing maybe done to counteract the negative blowback from his idea of politics.

Of course some pain is to be expected as the UK forges a new destiny as a fully sovereign, free trading nation free from the grip of fresh food imported from the Continent. But that doesn’t mean we have to have our eyes downcast!

“We can all look up and feel elated,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Yes, there is some temporary disruption to the workforce on English farms, but that’s only because of the pandemic and nothing to do with having Priti Patel stand at Heathrow with a stick. Once we’ve let the virus rip and achieved herd immunity by way of discarding unwanted humans you’ll see those seasonal workers flock back in. And not just to immigration detention centres.”

But in the meantime there may need to be one or two measures to keep the Blitz Spirit strong in the population.

“We’ll be organising Spitfire fly pasts. It’s what Mr Johnson does best. He often makes little model Spitfires out of empty wine crates and shambles around the Downing Street flat making plane noises. Not to entertain his offspring you understand, just because he likes it. But he’s also ordering fresh fly pasts over British farms.”

The fly pasts will continue for as long as the food is rotting on the farms.

“So just for the next year or two while we wait for British farmers to throw in the towel and order their food from America.”

BREXIT SMELLS BAD : There’s nothing in modern Britain that can’t be fixed by the liberal application of the Union Flag.

News reports are filling up with the rotten harvest of Brexit as astonished farmers discover Priti Patel’s attempts to dissuade foreigners from coming to the UK has had a surprising affect on seasonal workers.

No one stuffed to the gills with British Exceptionalism expected that. Why wouldn’t people go through hell and high water to visit our plague ridden island, to live in a damp caravan, and work for minimum wage all hours of the day, just to be told to F O before they leave? Absolutely BAFFLING!

But baffled or not the UK Government now has another self inflicted problem on its hands as farmers in England watch, and smell, their harvest rotting.

Clearly the only way to salve those new wounds is with the liberal application of flags. If people see a Union Flag covered field they’ll automatically assume we’re winning just by association with the old Butcher’s Apron.

The flag roll out will begin immediately with open air fields and poly tunnels becoming a much more colourful red, white and blue than the drab greys and sour greens of rotting veg.

Brits concerned about food shortages need not worry about them though, as they’ll soon be here, or you can do your bit to combat climate change and pay a fiver for a courgette flown in from the other side of the world!

Brexit. It stinks. Mostly of compost. Oh, and corruption, and perhaps a fair share of incompetence. They should make it into a fragrance.

SPINNING PLATES FOR BRITAIN : GREAT NEWS from 10 Downing Street today that normality is set to return to life in the United Kingdom with the overnight decision to pick a new fight with Brussels.

Warships are expected to be deployed shortly to somewhere, anywhere really just as soon as it has been decided what fight to start.

“Maybe we’ll just renew one of the old ones,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “Although that’s getting a bit tricky as we’re paying the fishermen and farmers to shut up about the harm Brexit is doing to them. We may have to go with something to do with vaccines, but we made such a fuss over that already and it’s blown up a little in our faces too, now that we’re falling behind. We wanted to accuse them of throttling the supply of pallets to the country, but then our supporters in NI burned all of them. Government is getting harder by the day! Never mind I’m sure Boris and Frosty can think of something over a late champagne breakfast. Just as soon as Carrie wakes Boris up and gives him his bottle.”

What is certain is that the fight will have to ramped up rapidly after the culture war blew up in the government’s face.

“That’s a real act of God that is. We were using the culture war as a cover for our botched, pseudo science based management of the pandemic. All those dead people. All so unnecessary. All so zzzz for the swivel eyed members of the governing party. And the pandemic was cover for Brexit. But we have not hit a dead end. We’ll just go back to our starting position and fight with Brussels again.”

People across the country are expected to lend their support to Boris Johnson and his government.

“Blame Brussels. Bang your head on kitchen cupboard? Brussels! Get caught cheating at cards? Brussels! Just like the PM said years back, most of our problems are of our own making, but we blame Brussels. He knew it then and he knows it now that most of our problems are of his making.”

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT : Exciting news today for anyone breeding locusts after 10 Downing Street issued an urgent announcement.

“Locusts. We need locusts,” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We will however consider crickets and cicadas too. Any insect form really that can be bred to plague levels and released upon the Suffolk Downs.”

The call for locusts comes after a secretive working committee within the executive discovered the Euro2020 football competition ends late Sunday night.

“There’s what? 48-72 hours of distraction left following the result? A week or two if we win I suppose. Then the tri-annual BBC specials, ‘A Very British Homecoming’, but it won’t be sufficient to distract from Covid for long. And Covid is distracting from Brexit. But there’s only so many people in the U.K. willing to give up their lives for that. So we need a fresh plague and we need it now.”

It’s believed a VIP channel has been established for anyone who can supply the insects and people are requested to WhatsApp their local Tory MP today.

“I’ll correct you there. It’s not a new VIP channel it’s the PPE one repurposed. Don’t go giving the public the idea that we’re wasteful with their money.”

The Chancellor is believed to be a strong supporter of the idea and is working up an appropriate slogan, although the “Eat Out to Help Out” slogan may also just be re-deployed.

COUNTING SHEEP WHILE DRIVING : THE UK GOVERNMENT IN ITS WISDOM has decided to wage war against the United Kingdom and to really ram home its advantage it has today moved to make roads and highways less safe.

The new front in the war against the people concerns HGV drivers, and the lack of them. A problem that stems from Brexit and the ending of FOM, was exacerbated by keeping 10,000 of them in a cold and muddy field last Christmas, and made worse if anyone mentions the real reasons.

“We’re tearing up that Brussels red tape,” Transport Minister Grant Shapps, or whatever he is calling himself today, told LCD Views. “From now on if you’re a HGV driver who wants to earn a little extra money in your sleep have at it!”

The overweening regulations that were brought into place to stop exhausted HGV drivers ploughing into other motorists, bridges and buildings have long been held responsible for the UK’s productivity crisis. Not any more. Britannia is unchained!

“It’s another tangible benefit of Brexit,” Michael Green noted, “the hits from Brexit just keep coming, much like an exhausted lorry driver.”

Although some are concerned that the higher risk of accidents will make people feel even less safe, just as the restrictions around face masks are being lifted.

“It will be up to people’s personal responsibility to avoid being smashed into paste by a massive truck,” Corinne Stockheath added, with a shrug. “You know the risk you’re taking when you get on the motorway. It’s why government ministers prefer flying.”

SCREWING AROUND LIKE ALWAYS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be actively looking for a second Brexit Deal to take as a mistress.

Rumours from inside 10 Downing Street suggest Mr Johnson is already “bored to death” with the deal he negotiated with the European Union and feels he has “shagged the life out of it and now wants something new and spicy”.

How exactly Mr Johnson expects to bring his “personal flair for infidelity” into the realm of legally binding agreements between the UK and the EU is not clear, but it’s assumed he’ll just “ignore all his promises and responsibilities like usual”.

The belief appears to be he can start up a clandestine relationship with another Brexit Deal and then sooner or later discard the current one and all its issues like NI and emptying supermarket shelves.

“It’s certain the pliant, largely courtier UK press will accept Mr Johnson’s betrayal of the Brexit Deal without comment,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They’ll probably even pretend there’s nothing slightly off about it if he boots the current Brexit Deal right out the door, even though it’s currently receiving treatment, and moves the New Brexit Deal into his bedroom. Just Boris being Boris! What a funny old fellow is Boris.”

The EU is said to be prepared for this but will keep its current position that the courtship which led to Mr Johnson marrying himself to the current Brexit Deal was so “eye-wateringly, ball-achingly irritating for all involved” that they are hardly just going to abandon it on Mr Johnson’s whim and pretend the mistress agreement is legitimate.

“The EU can go whistle,” the source adds. “If Mr Johnson wants to break his word and abandon his commitments that’s his business and nobody else’s.”

The CPTPP is thought to be Mr Johnson’s favourite to screw around with but there are difficulties involved.

“It’s half a world away and his failure to control the pandemic means getting to it and shafting it in secret is difficult in the current era of travel restrictions.”