Category: Brexit

Leader of the free world and defender of democracy wherever he shits on it, Nigel Farage, has announced his intention to form a paramilitary unit out of people who drink at his local.

Talking from the doorstep of a friend’s house in Chelsea ”this morning, Mr Farage elated the adoring crowds who convene each morning to smear his bare feet in vaseline, in order to make it easier to fit them in his mouth.

“People of Britain need not wake another day in fear that their democracy is in danger from immoral voids working handing in glove with shadowy foreign interests bankrolling efforts to undermine British democracy and turn the whole country into a tax haven.”

Mr Farage began, before having to pause, as the vaseline being pushed between his toes made him giggle like a child.

The giggling led to a healthy bout of smoker’s cough. Throats cleared, Nigel resumed and it is said he said:

“Each day, when I pose outside a pub with a pint in hand and a probably sponsored cigarette in my mouth, a steady trickle of ageing men shuffle up and ask me, in booming voices, ‘Nigel, when are we going to take action on the price of getting shit faced daily and going home and rowing with our wives before going bugger it and having affairs and moving out?’”

Mr Farage most likely continued that he interpreted questions such as this as calls to pick up a rifle and defend Brexit and he was damn well going to think long and hard about that.

Almost as hard as choosing which small country owned by the people who bankrolled Brexit to apply for political asylum in if the investigations into certain matters turn the UK into a country he may not like to stay in, due to the climate.

It’s not clear exactly what he will call the unit yet, but odds are on that it will be in tribute to ‘Dad’s Army’, just not loveable and affectionate like ‘Dad’s Army’.

More like a xenophobic moral void that uses people’s emotional fear of things they don’t understand to gain support well disproportionate to what they will ever positively do in return and may well actually work against their interests.

So USHIT is a likely possibility.

The government is in danger of fresh accusations of ill judged use of public funds today after the revelation in LCD Views (we got it first!) that they have hired an additional eight thousand civil servants to cart about all the denial being created by people working on Brexit.

“It’s a health and safety issue really,” a spokes-droid for DExEU commented.

“You’ve got an ageing man like Mr Davis racing about here and there, he can’t be expected to personally carry the ever increasing burden of denial of the impact of Brexit on every vital sector of the UK’s economy and culture.

He’s going to pop a disc. Or at least strain something, a hamstring or whatever you call that tricky bugger down at your heel? The Trojanstring? Achilles! Achilles heel!”

The additional staff will begin work almost immediately after a short orientation course.

“All new staff have to wear blindfolds. It can take a bit of adjusting to. People tend to walk into walls a lot when they begin working for DExEU. But you soon get numb to the impact bruising.

Once they’ve got the hang of pretending everything is fine and ignoring the complete and absolute lack of any sensible guiding strategy, they’ll find carrying the bags of idiocy and denial Davis creates daily simple.”

Other measures under consideration by the government to speed up work on Brexit are the possibility of changing all the instructive door labels in the relevant government departments.

“You know when you see a “push” label on a door and you just stand there for ten minutes pulling at the door!” the spokes-droid added. “It’s really quite funny watching any minister working on Brexit trying to enter a building.”

It’s felt that by swapping the door labels to the reverse it will increase workflow through the entry to the building and may just subconsciously give them ideas about stopping this bullshit altogether.

The government was claiming a victory tonight as its most cherished employee, Brexit, was declared fit for work by ATOS, in spite of being clearly close to breathing its last.

Concerns had been raised that Brexit, existing on disability payments disguised as funding the scale of which could pretty much save the NHS, clear student debt and renationalise the bloody railways, once it plays out; that Brexit was only pretending to be incredibly ill.

Incapable of achieving partially any task assigned to it.

Massively wasting public resources when it should be out making a success of itself.

And being a terrible advertisement for British workers, and most definitely a productivity drain of an outstanding scale.

So ATOS decided to give it the treatment.

LCD Views understands Brexit was texted and informed it needed to get off its lazy, taxpayer sponging backside and down to its local office 87 miles away for a surprise assessment to determine whether or not it should continue to be a recipient of huge taxpayer funding for no discernible gain, or sent back out to work under the threat of being given even more public funding. An unusual bit of reverse psychology described as a one off.

“It’s a massive win,” David Davis crowed.

“ATOS has evaluated Brexit and in spite of finding it confused, incoherent, and seemingly on its last legs, it was passed fit for work and told to go out there and make a success of itself.”

Brexit was unavailable for comment on the decision. Although we understand from a source close to it that it finds this article almost as incoherent as it finds itself.

This is not surprising, given it’s a hard right ideological coup funded by tax dodging offshore billionaires which cynically prayed on the nostalgia and irrational fears of enough of the population who couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of shit and a chicken sandwich because they read the Daily Mail and it has yet to say anything that could honestly be declared sense.

The department for working (maybe there’ll be pensions years away) announced today it was working on a three way project with the health secretary Jeremy Hunt, and Micky “wonder kid” Gove, to kill two birds with one stone.

“From the 1st December 2017 all recipients of JSA will have to work as nurses in order to get their generous government allowance, which will be paid quarterly, to better reflect the world of dividends the people dreaming up policies like this live in.”

Essentially, the spokesman went on to elaborate, it’s to prepare today’s lazy, benefit scrounging layabouts to be the millionaires of tomorrow.

“It will also solve the perplexing problem of a sudden crash in EU born workers for both nursing and the agricultural sector.”

LCD Views believes this is excellent planning and a great response to what appears to be a looming crisis in both the NHS and the soft fruit growing business.

“People from the EU really are showing themselves to be fair weather friends. No one has said they are going to have to wear a badge that labels them a second class citizen, it’s just the changing reality. British born people are worth more than any others, something it does to remind the arrogant people across the channel of from time to time.”

Campaigners working to protect the NHS have voiced concerns that many of the JSA recipients marched into wards may not be qualified for the work and put patients’ lives at risk, but the government has responded by criticising them for talking yet another nation building initiative down.

Farm advocacy groups are also alarmed, having not been consulted either.

“We just needed their votes to stage our ideological coup,” a government minister replied off the record.

“Liam and Boris are sorting out such a good FTA with the USA it’s likely there won’t be any need for farms once we fully realise the possibilities presented by Brexit. And you can rest assured any of the ‘special nurses’ will be excellent at taking blood, I’m going to train them myself.”

The Department for Blowing Cash Pretending We’re Going to Have International Trade (post Brexit) released an urgent press release this afternoon advising people stay clear of a Southend pier until Liam Fox has been rescued.

“Members of the public are advised to give a wide berth to Southend pier this afternoon until international trade supremo Doctor Liam Fox has been rescued by a specially trained squad who have been waiting for just this moment.”

It seems the drama began when Boris Johnson texted Liam Fox early this morning.

LCD Views has a transcript of the message to hand:

“Liam you foxy foxy devil. Get down to Southend and wait at the end of the pier old foxy devil you.

Have laid the lawn for you to agree first FTA with that new republic that declared itself the other day over on the continent.

We can get in first and boss it!

Put a kipper in your tank and try not to choke on the fumes!

Dispatching HMS Global Britain to pick you up!

A friend of yours will be on board the ship! Topple bibble bobble what what! B. J.”

It’s unclear at this stage if the text was a joke or meant in earnest, but either way it appears Liam was a little dim and raced to the pier in his best Saville Row suit, empty briefcase clutched for show, only to find hours later the promised mighty vessel of international trade had not appeared.

Ignoring the request of the press release we dispatched a reporter to cover the action by the water.

“Liam is visibly distressed. Not so much it seems by the failure of the HMS Global Britain to materialise out of the early morning fog, but finding himself at the end of the pier it appears he has no idea how to get back to dry land.”

“I’m going to starve out here!” Dr Fox is now screaming, “I can’t work out how to get back to dry land. Help me! I’m a doctor! People need me!”

Judging by the reluctance, clear in the body language of the rescue squad, to walk to the end of the pier and lead Liam back by the hand, it seems not everyone is so sure we can’t get along without his best efforts…

The UK government has responded quickly to the defeat in the Commons last night with a decision to release the Brexit impact studies via a controlled explosion in an isolated field.

“We are complying with the result of the vote,” Mr B Umble, spokesbot for DExEU told press lizards lounging outside the chamber. “Even though it was an opposition motion and we really don’t pay any attention to anything since June 23rd 2016, when time stopped.”

It’s believed the reason for releasing the 58 studies in this manner is because if someone actually reads them it could be disastrous for our Brexit negotiating strategy. Especially if someone in government reads them.

“We’re not too concerned with what the British people think, enough of them appear to be sufficiently deluded to persist with Brexit, even though we already know it is likely a catastrophically stupid thing to do with no discernible gain except a boom time for the slogan and tax dodging industries.”

It’s believed a special army bomb disposal unit is already on the way to Westminster to take charge of all copies of the reports and race them to a secret location on Salisbury plain, just next to Stonehenge, where they will be surrounded by dynamite and blown up.

“With any luck people will just think the giant fireball rising into the sky is a bunch of rebellious teenagers larking about with too many firecrackers.”

Should any of the papers survive the explosion and float singed into your garden you are advised to pretend they are not there and let slugs and snails erase the words in due course.

“We are alerting the NHS to be on standby. If by some terrible cock up a report lands in the lap of a member of the public in a legible form and they read it, it could lead to some sort of reverse zombie apocalypse where everyone comes to life at once and masses on Westminster Green filled with a rage we won’t be able to alleviate. We will need mass sedation, preferably via some sort of aerosol.”

But the greatest concern is that an actual politician may read one of the reports and realise their legacy is going to be an eyewateringly stupid act of self harm.

“Personally I think we should evacuate England and lift off into orbit and nuke the whole place. It’s the only way to be sure no one ever sees what a bunch of absolute, dissembling con artists the Brexit politicians are.

Either way, the reports will soon be ashes and dust, hopefully before no member of government has read them!”

The chief Brexiter David Davis was forced to the dispatch box in the lower house today, after the PM placeholder finished, to deny his department has purchased another carton of duty free cigarettes for the purpose of more Brexit planning.

“It is simply not true, I think,” The MP for Winging-It declared, “You aren’t allowed to smoke in the office anymore. And we’d hardly waste 200 marlboros by just throwing them in the bin for an intern to nick, just to have the packets, which by the way are excellent for writing big ideas on, would we?”

When asked by Anna Soubry why his fingertips were stained a heavy browny orange, Mr Davis coughed to clear his throat, before continuing.

“I’ve been eating Dorittos. It’s hard to stop once you start. They must coat them in crack. And I must say I’m a little surprised someone on my own team is questioning what I have for lunch. I am a very busy man. Sometimes, between my lessons in shoelace tying, and talking myself up in the mirror, I hardly have time to hire the thousands of extra civil servants the country needs to prepare for the opportunities presented by Brexit.”

This matter dealt with Mr Davis left the lower house in order to make his afternoon appointment at the school for differentiating between elbows and arses.

Unfortunately for the minister we have a source inside the same school who later furnished us with an empty cigarette packet found on the floor under his seat in the classroom.

The following was written across it,

“Make sure you say you never said Brexit will be easy. And don’t forget your elbow is the one which makes the fart sounds when you’re nervous.”

It will be interesting to see what is written across the other nineteen Spanish cigarette packets, presumably bought by a staffer for DExEU on half term break.

Maybe something about cake and being patient when you want to eat it? Being prepared to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of jobs to watch a few billionaires have their low low tax dream fulfilled.

Or maybe the biggest secret of all, how to avoid a cliff edge Brexit while maintaining just enough xenophobic rhetoric to keep the will of the people who want it from going up in smoke.

David Davis MP, head of the fantastically visionary Department for Exiting the EU, is said to be so out of ideas for how to drive talks forward that the only thing left to do is to get really drunk with Junker and hope to come out the better of it in the ensuing public spectacle.

LCD Views met secretly with someone claiming to be an aide to Davis to hear more about the inside planning going on to avoid the cliff edge. We met them on the Thames embankment on a bench facing the river. They sat at one end of the bench, we sat at the other, both faced away and talked out of the corner of our mouths.

“Are you sure you weren’t followed?” the aide asked LCD Views, “I’m gone if you were. This is incredibly risky. I didn’t sign up to be deep throat.”

Assurances were given that our reporter was not followed, although in truth, we’re a ramshackle and amateur outfit, so no measures were taken to avoid it. It never actually occurred to us we would be.

“He’s really scratching his head now on Brexit,” the aide mumbled, “He thought he’d just walk in there with his hands clearly empty, ready for a scrap, and lay it down. We’re an imperial power. We’ve got nukes from the yanks. We’ve got aircraft carriers that’ll have even have planes borrowed from the Americans sooner or later. Don’t mess with us.”

But it seems things didn’t pan out as expected.

“Barnier has such big piles of paper. They’ve got words on them too. It’s pretty sneaky what the EU is up to. They appear to have prepared. We’re not happy. This is supposed to be improv.”

But with the EU blocking Davis and May and their cunning plan to just get what they want because they want it, blue sky thinking is now looked to for the answer.

“He’s needs to get Junker drunk and get into a fight,” the aide nodded. “It’s a perfect plan. Here, we’ve even sketched out how it should go with stickmen.”

The aide slid a piece of paper across the bench.

“Make sure you run this if you go to print. Junker is the one with the bottle in his hand. It’s perfect. Davis is going to dance about like a prat and wait for him to knock himself out. Just one of the many possibilities represented by Brexit!”

Theresa May sent a sacrificial junior minister out amongst hungry journalists this morning to announce she has ordered Monarch bought out of administration for the purpose of forcibly flying pro-EU voters to Thanet in Kent on package holidays.

“Monarch by name, monarch by nature,” Mr Largeli Jobbli, MP for Basildon-on-Firth began, “and our Prime Minister is going to raise the phoenix from the ashes and revitalise a long neglected corner of the UK at the same time. You could say it’s two phoenixes for the price of one.”

Details of how the remain sympathetic voters will be forced to board the refloated airliners were sketchy, but Mr Jobbli was cheerful, full of what traitors can expect upon arriving in Thanet.

“Constant electronic supervision. A gold standard for attentive government. Biometric testing to ensure they receive the correct ration packs. Negligible medical care. This will actually be a boon for the private sector. We will be putting out to tender the contract to supervise these subversives during their relaxing re-education. Well, it will be G4S who wins the contract, but we’ll have the expected tender circus to keep up appearances.”

Apparently, large plastic palm trees have been installed and lucky punters will be encouraged to sit through a cabaret of Nigel Farage lookalikes who will sing and dance to a soundtrack which fully realises the possibilities presented by Brexit.

“This is a cross government initiative,” Lobbli enthused, “the Department for education will soon be issuing guidelines for all schools on how teachers can encourage their pupils to be the eyes and ears of the government in the home. So we go forward as one nation to the sunny uplands of negotiating trade deals alone against America, governed by our friend Donald, and China, who are building us a cheap nuclear power plant, there are only good outcomes. To expect anything less is probably actually treason.”

If you’re signing petitions calling for the people to have the final say on any Brexit deal or no deal, pack your bags, you’ll soon be flying Monarch to Thanet.

You won’t even need a passport.

But probably best to pack a blue one, just in case you stumble across an inflatable washed up on the beach and make good your escape across the channel.