Category: Brexit

The Conservative government has moved at last to alleviate the burden of universal credit’s imposition by replacing the scheme with compulsory purchase of special scratch cards to fund the new royal yacht.

“Clearly only one in four people will win,” DWP spokesman, A Syco MP for somewhere, told LCD, “but that’s actually better odds than anyone gets when they enter the lottery of birth.”

It’s believed forcing people sponging off the hardworking British taxpayer with the lifestyle choice of public shaming and official denigration to pay for it will help unite the country behind the plan for the yacht.

“It’s going to bring a real touch of class when Liam Fox and whatever royal is desperate enough set sail for China to agree a comprehensive free trade deal that easily improves on the minor benefits currently gained by membership of the EU,” A Syco observed, “imagine the sight too as people flock to Plymouth to wave hankies and wish them speedy and safe return?”

What the Queen thinks about being dragged into a scheme of nationalist jingoism and tokenism is not clear, but probably best to refer to the EU flag hat she wore to the opening of parliament earlier in the year.

In what is a surprise to some, many people who lived through the Blitz are not Brexiters, but somehow a lot of their children are.

“All these other countries are building space planes and new supersonic aircraft, well, a proper ship with a pine mast imported from Russia will show them up good and proper.”

It’s thought once the new royal yacht, presumed to be called Royal McBoaty Royalface, or Jingo McToken Ridiculehead, or whatever, has finished its life as a trading super symbol, it can be stripped down to the hulk and moored in the Thames estuary.

“This will allow us to store convicted dissenters before we transport them to the new colonies Global Britain is going to discover with our big shiny ship as we forge Empire 2.0,” A Syco enthused, and so say all of us.

Nigel Farage is continuing his one-man mission to mould Great Britain into his own personal Utopia. His next move is to bring back smoking for all, and even extend the privilege to the youngest members of society.

“I want to smoke whenever, and wherever, I want to,” declared Farage. “This is what Brexit is all about – regaining personal freedoms lost to the EU dictatorship. I am determined to reintroduce the right to clog up one’s lungs with gunk while polluting the atmosphere.”

Health campaigner Siggy Hayter was unimpressed. “Smoking has been proved to be bad for you and others,” she preached. “It also looks and smells unattractive. These people are sucking the life out of themselves.”

Farage had his answer ready. “You, my friend, are sucking the joy from life!” he spluttered.

“Where’s the pleasure in sucking on a phallic symbol? demanded Ms Hayter.

“Nothing wrong with enjoying a puff,” countered Farage.

”I want to make smoking compulsory. Especially in cars. The whole family can then enjoy the experience together!”

Farage revealed that, once that he is President of the independent UK, smoking will be introduced to the National Curriculum. Children as young as 5 will be expected to master basics such as removing the cellophane from a cigarette packet. Inhaling will be expected from the age of 7, and chain-smoking mandatory by secondary school.

In a related scheme, milk at break time will be replaced with half a pint of best bitter.

“This is such an important policy, so I will personally teach children the art of smoking in a car,” Farage declared. “How to manage lighting up while cornering, ashtray manipulation, and dog-end disposal on the move.”

Nigel had one more bombshell to drop. “I will also ban taxes on tobacco, and tax abstention instead. The more you abstain, the more you pay!”

Ms Hayter was heard to mutter something about reduced life expectancy. No doubt Nigel will be coughing all the way to his coffin.

Rule Britannia took another bold step in global reverse this week with the announcement that page three of the new patriot blue passports will feature an iconic topless model in what is being heralded as a tangible victory for the past.

“It’s really a victory for that tireless Briton Rupert Murdoch,” Theresa May gushed, “it was only a few years ago that treasonous libtard snowflakes forced that great icon of British values off page three of the rising Sun.

But today, we announce the first tangible victory struck against the tyrannical Eurocrats of the EU and their underhand quest to make day to day cooperation between nation states easier.”

Patriots will be given a choice of which famous topless model they want to see on page 3 of their sovereignty booklet.

Samantha Fox is rumoured to be the most popular choice amongst the Leave supporting Labour constituencies.

“Tory leave areas differ though. They are said to have already started a petition to have a fully clothed portrait of Queen Victoria instead. Riding a unicorn with a whip in one hand, a bit of rough in the other and a musical chip inserted into the passport that plays Ride of the Valkyries whenever the passport is opened.”

Complaints by dubious types that there should also be the option to have photo of David Hasselhoff from his Baywatch era on page 3 have been met with official scorn.

“Patriots like tits,” a home office spokesman affirmed, “I personally prefer shags.”

As to which leading light of British political thought will be the first the use the passport and display a pair of breasts in declaration of how into the future the U.K. now is?

“It’s between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn. They’re going to draw straws to choose the winner who will cross the new hard border in Ireland at 00:01 on the 30th March 2019 and explain to the people there how they did all they could.”

The Home Office has moved to quell concerns that the new patriot blue passports to be issued upon the founding of Brexitlandia are just a bit of empty symbolism to appeal to the credulous.

Oh, and it will be difficult to follow the instructions for their correct, patriotic use.

“From 11pm 29th March 2019 strict new guidelines will be in place to guide Brexitlandians on the loyal and patriotic use of blue passports for employment in the rare circumstances anyone should wish to leave the only country God cares about and travel across the English Channel to enemy states,” Ramber Udd, speaking for the government informed LCD.

A sample of the one thousand and one new rules is provided below. It’s easy to memorise. It is your duty to do so.

1. Holders of patriot blue passports must express a sincere joy at their possession at all times.

The mere loss of freedom to travel, work, love, settle, receive healthcare and feel a sense of community with approximately half a billion people of varied backgrounds on a continent that was previously famous for slaughtering each other on grounds of nationality and religion will be as nothing compared with the joy of possessing a patriotic Brexitlandian passport.

2. Any individual wishing to leave the hallowed soil of this island nation that has always been guarded against the sea from alien invasion, with the exception of the first nomadic hunter gatherers and then farmers, and Romans, Saxons, Scandinavians, French and all the rest which have combined over millennia to compose the Brexitlandians and make them a special people sanctified under God, will have to attend an interview with Boris Johnson and have a bloody good reason for wanting to leave. Visiting a tax haven will be the only reason that allows immediate approval to travel.

3. A telephone book of forms will of necessity have to be filled out to obtain a temporary exit visa.

4. A dependent child will need to be lodged as security against flight before any Brexitlandian will be allowed to leave Brexitlandia.

Individuals are encouraged not to kidnap children from neighbouring villages and present as their own as all individuals will be photographed in biometric black and white and placed on a family tree kept by the Patriotic Office of Internal Citizens Who Love Only Brexit, so there will be no point in trying to escape, if you love your children.

It will be best to memorise the rules before applying for an exit visa.

Citizens are encouraged not to worry if they do not currently have dependent children, as only individuals with dependent children will be allowed to apply for a temporary exit visa.

This is to guard against unpatriotic flight of young, educated, fertile citizens who should stay home and breed for Brexitlandia.

5. “It should be noted also, that people returning from enemy territory will be required to record a short video tape explaining how horrible and degraded they found France.”

It will be best to endorse English cheese over enemy cheese and to swear blind English Sparkling Wine was the inspiration for the lesser, enemy varieties.

6. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Apply for your passport today and begin learning the guidelines, so you can be reassured your children will be returned upon your return to home.

Brexit Dad Figel Narage was upset after playing the festive board game with his children. His daughter, Figella, bankrupted him and started gloating.

Narage’s son, Figel junior, dropped out of the game early on and joined forces with his sister. Their success was a surprise. Brexit Dad held the better cards, but was stung for street repairs and sent to jail. Then an unlucky Chance card sent him to Figella’s hotel on Trafalgar Square and that was that. “We won, you lost!” chanted the children. “Get over it!”

Narage’s wife, Krystyna, wandered over to see what the fuss was about. “It’s not fair, love,” he moaned. “I’m sure they must have cheated or something. Make us a cuppa, would you?”

“Stop moaning, and get over it,” she retorted. “The Will Of The Children must be obeyed. Anyway, there’s no tea.”

“Why not?” wailed Figel.

“It’s not native to Britain,” she snapped. “So you banned it, remember?”

“Can I have a Coke, mum?” Figella asked.

“No, darling, it’s American. Have a pint of bitter instead,” said Krystyna. “Figel, clear up that mess the winners have left for you. Figella, could you offer your Dad a second referendum – I mean round of Monopoly – just to keep the peace? What do you think? Cheer your Dad up?”

“Nah, he’s a bad loser,” sneered Figella. “I know he would probably win if we played again. But there’s no point. We won. There’s no Get Out Of Jail Free card!”

Figella and Figel junior found, however, that their remaining entertainment options were severely limited. Their phones had been confiscated for being Korean. Their Nintendo had been sent back to Japan whence it came. Even chess was banned as it originally came from India. But nothing could persuade them that a second round of Monopoly was necessary.

Figel senior himself stumped off in anger to create his own Brexit-themed board game. I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Cluedo will be in the shops in time for Christmas.

LCD Views’ Ghosts Are Real At Christmas correspondent has heard rumours today that Downing Street has called in an exorcist in an attempt to stop three ghosts keeping the prime minister awake at night.

“They’re pretty relentless,” an aide to the prime minister told us, “it’s the same every evening. When she goes to walk through the front door she sees the ghost of Margaret Thatcher in the big door knob and that’s just the start of it.”

The exorcist is believed to have been summoned from a European country, but has apparently not yet started his work at the famous address due to concerns about what sort of reception he will receive when he arrives in England.

“We’ve been offering reassurance that we won’t deport him until the moment after he finishes the job of clearing out the spooks. I don’t know where he got the idea he won’t be welcome in May’s home. It’s pretty perplexing.”

But critics have called the hiring of the exorcist an unnecessary expense as only one of the ghosts can feasibly be real.

“The ghost of Christmas past is real. It’s Margaret Thatcher. She gets Theresa up to berate her over her attempts to ruin the single market and then goes on a surprising rant about homelessness. Which is pretty shocking. I mean, if you’re that cold hearted that Maggie feels the need to lecture you, well…”

It seems Boris Johnson is the ghost of Christmas present.

“That’s not too unusual. Boris tends to show up late at people’s houses and get them out of bed begging to be hidden from someone’s husband, but this time he lectures May about how she needs to be more autocratic and more confusing and the bally idiots who vote for her won’t know which way to turn.”

But it seems the ghost representing the future is the most disturbing.

“It’s Rees-mogg. He visits her with photos of his twelve children, who he has appointed to cabinet positions. He actually comes to thank her for doing all she did to destroy representative democracy in the U.K. and allow him to make everyone in the country his vassal when he becomes prime minister of an isolated and largely ignored little island off the coast of Europe.

Which he is quite happy with, as he has basically turned the whole show into his private harem and implemented a kind of Handmaid’s Tale society in.”

The exorcist is expected to arrive any day now and is a bit of a bargain for only charging £350M for one week.

LCD Views’ BIGC (Be in good cheer) correspondent reports this morning on the exciting news out of the North Pole that Santa is to begin tests on a self-driving sleigh to bypass new visa restrictions expected to impact foreign workers after 2019.

“We have to ensure the continued delivery of Christmas presents to the UK regardless of the final deal achieved between the UK and the EU,” Ann Elf told LCD.

It’s expected that special compensation maybe made for Santa as a seasonal worker, and a simple 1,000 page form and a small admin fee of £250,000 is all it will take to obtain his visa to visit from 2019, but,

“We’re not taking that for granted. Only about eleven or twelve Conservative MPs are on the list for presents this year and we expect significant blowback as a result going forwards.”

If the tests are successful Santa is expected to use Christmas 2018 as a live trial of the new AI driven sleigh.

“We’re going to need to replace the reindeers with drones too, in order to get around the expected impact of a possible loss of pet passports.”

Pressed by Nick Robinson of the Patriotic Broadcasting Corporation, during a spot on the Today programme, to confirm that this move is actually a betrayal of Brexit by Santa, Ann Elf attempted to clarify but was spoken over the entire time with words that implied she was a traitor.

“It’s sensible contingency planning,” Ann Elf clarified for a more patient LCD, “we need to ensure British children continue to receive magical presents as the delivery by the parents of real ones, with the darkening economic outlook for the UK, can not be relied upon.”

The self-driving sleigh will still be subject to customs checks at U.K. border entry points as it will at least give the people employed there something to do.

“As long as all the presents have been chlorine washed, I don’t see a problem,” a government spokesman informed us, “but we will be looking under the boot when the sleigh leaves to make sure no one is trying to smuggle themselves out of the UK.”

LCD Views’ only Entertainment correspondent is apoplectic with joy at the news of the new Star Trek spin off “Galactic Isolation” which features the starship Brexit, which only moves on impulse power.

“Brexit is modelled on the tall ships of the famous age of British imperialism,” our correspondent enthuses, “it’s a nice doff of the cap to an era when you could just take whatever you could by force that many worry may have passed us by.”

The first episode features the crew of Brexit attempting to just get the ship out of a lake and into space.

“The crew uniforms are designed by Hugo Boss and the captain of Brexit is clearly a nod to a current wannabe leader of Britain’s largest far right party. What with the three piece suit and penchant for ordering the lower orders of the ship to line up at a food bank for their meals.”

It’s thought the second episode will feature the Brexit lift into the upper atmosphere of the world Brexit and attempt to hold it together while pushing for orbit.

“The chief engineer is pretty funny. As the ship only runs on the combined impulse power of about half the crew he has a lot of trouble keeping the power supply constant. Most of them are worried the moment they contact alien life they’ll be instantly colonised and their children will start dressing funny.”

The USS Brexit is scheduled to hit our small screens in 2019, but rumoured problems on the set could see the release date pushed back by two years or more.

“I can’t wait to see what the crew get up to. I hear in episode three half the crew are locked up for “wrong thought”. But if all goes to plan by episode seven the fearless captain has donned a monocle and is only allowing trade with planets with appalling human rights records.

Which is thought to be a nod to how the real life MP the captain is modelled on allegedly makes millions every year.”

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has responded to the UK’s impending isolation from the international community by ensuring his children will drive British cars. He has put their names down for a Morgan car each.

Narage’s children, Figel junior and Figella, were unimpressed. “I want a Ferrari when I’m older,” grumbled Figel junior, “but Dad says I’m not allowed to buy European rubbish. It’s not fair!” Figella was equally disappointed. “I fancy an Audi A5 Cabriolet,” she whined. “Dad won’t let me buy anything German though.”

Narage senior was unrepentant. “Brexit means supporting British manufacturing,” he said, proudly. “Morgans are the best cars around, classic British design and engineering. Who wouldn’t want one?” He shifted slightly to obscure the view of his Citroen people carrier outside. “As soon as Morgan start to produce family cars, I’m getting one,” he said defensively.

Morgana Morgan, from Morgan Cars, was able to confirm Narage’s interest. “Yes, he’s been ringing up several times a day to make sure the message has got through,” she informed us. “His children’s names were inscribed upon purest vellum using the quill of an eagle the day he first spoke to us. I wish he would stop ringing me up and let me get on with the job of building cars for him.”

The demand for Morgans has increased exponentially since the onset of Brexit. “The waiting list is normally about seven years,” remarks Morgan. “However, due to the massive increase in orders, customers will now have to wait 84 years for their cars. Unless, of course, they have enough, ahem, influence to jump the queue.”

Narage proudly revealed that, if he sold all his possessions, he could use the resulting influence to move forward in the queue. “I have calculated that my wait would decrease to 79 years,” he boasted. “I know that it’s a long time, and I would have no assets at all, but it’s a price worth paying to support British enterprise.”

At this point we left Narage to enjoy watching his Japanese TV on his Swedish sofa with his German wife.

LCD Views has a finger on the pulse, most often of its highly excitable senior editor, but also on the latest in Environmental Political news.

This allows us to be the first to report of the growing anxiety in government, and the opposition benches, that new environmental regulations coming into force to eliminate harmful emissions on the roads could silence many senior politicians.

“It’s anti-democratic,” Michael Gove was first to strike, “it will silence the entire cabinet and, although it’s not often I extend concern to my political opponents, it will also silence numerous Labour MPs.”

Mr Gove appears to believe freedom of speech itself is at risk.

He went on to prove how much he values it by unashamedly lying to us for half an hour. A spray we have chosen not to repeat.

“The changes are targeted at improving the appalling quality of air in the capital,” our environmental analyst advises, “this will be done by encouraging electric vehicles onto the roads.

But the unintended consequence will of course be gagging serial liars who have chosen to abuse the trust of the electorate by not saying a single thing that can’t swiftly be proven bollocks.”

Boris Johnson is understood to be especially concerned and is rumoured to be establishing a base camp outside of the capital with a giant megaphone.

He’s said to already be testing the system by shouting misremembered Shakespeare at a captured group of visiting French exchange students.

“I for one think it’s high time we took measures to combat the great stink,” our analyst affirms, “When we have situations where improv character actors like David Davis are lying to parliament and nothing is done about it because the executive is too feeble? We’re in trouble. We need to act.”

Presumably the talk of unicorn Brexit of the worker’s kind is to be banned too as it’s seen as a gateway drug to the hard stuff, Canada plus plus plus.