Category: Brexit

The government has today announced a change in the country’s official religion. No longer will we be assumed to be Church Of England (unless otherwise stated). The new dominant church is the Church Of Brexit.

High priests of the new Official Religion will be arrayed in red, white and blue. The Bishops of the Church will wear Union Jack waistcoats. The Archbishop of Brexit will also wear a top hat and carry a cane. This is to represent both John Bull and the successful businessman out of Monopoly.

The priesthood – known as “Directors” – will assemble in the Temples of Brexit. Every boardroom across the land will be converted to such a Temple. These Temples will reflect the glory and power of their God. Only the priests will be allowed to set foot in the Holiest of Holies. It will be forbidden to utter the name of this God, although rumour has it that He will be referred to as The HOARD.

Ordinary Church members will congregate in lesser, public meeting-houses (“pubs” for short). They will perform the eucharist of The HOARD by drinking His blood, represented by beer, and eating His body, represented by crisps. England has died. England is risen. England will come again!

Services will be taken by serving wenches, who will serve for as bloody well long as the punters want them to bloody well serve.

Songs of celebration will be sung. The congregation will rise, and with one voice proclaim the Glory of The HOARD. These hymns of praise to Brexit will include football chants and salacious variations on well-known popular songs.

And the people shall recite the prayer that Our Saviour taught us, saying:

Our Farage, who art in denial,
Nigel be your name.
Thy knighthood come!
The Will Of Thy People be done
In St Erth as it is in Devon.
Give us this day our Daily Mail.
And forgive us our traitors,
As we condemn those who betray our country.
Lead us not into Europe,
But deliver us from Brussels.
For thine is the England,
The beer and the cricket.
Brexit means Brexit!
Amen.

LCD Views interviewed shadow minister for fence sitting, C Ynical, earlier today and he revealed that for the official opposition achieving Lexit is more important than the NHS.

“No one will suffer once we have a government led by a man whose initials are the same as a famous religious figure.

Although that in no way explains the sometimes kipper like love of denigration of opponents found in the social media posts of his worshippers. I mean, um, the membership of the party that belong to a militant, sectarian movement that has currently seized surface control of the party.”

They’re building a movement. Be patient. What’s the NHS or universal credit or looking like absolute asshats internationally compared to that?

“Lexit has been our long held goal since the 1970’s. You know the 1970’s? We had blue passports then. Blue passports will be the first tangible success of Lexit.”

When questioned if the official opposition shouldn’t oppose Brexit in order to tear a pack of reckless, greed driven, right wing idiots out of Downing Street, and by doing so, save the economy of tomorrow and the NHS, which media reports state is now so under resourced people are dying prematurely in corridors, the spokesman was adamant.

“Lexit is way more important. Jesus Christ comrade! You’re in danger of being first to the re-education camps with questions like that. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a class traitor Blairite. And we all know there is nothing, nothing worse than that.”

So it looks like the future for the NHS is pretty dicey.

The party that is busily running it down and privatising it is safe in government because the party that could tear them down wants them there to achieve Lexit.

Who’s to blame? Must be the centrists. Yeah. That’s who.

In a surprising display of candour for a modern politician a Labour Party Brexit spokesman has confirmed that Labour’s much trumpeted ‘jobs first Brexit is…’

“Where the jobs go first and then we Brexit. This is why we support a transition period between Brexit and Brexit.”

This is in stark contrast to the current Conservative Party Brexit, generally known as, smash it all to shit so wealthy backers with massive offshore wealth can asset strip the U.K. while simultaneously stripping away all the rights protected by membership of the European Union.

This is usually referred to by the snappier handle of ‘Brexit means Brexit’ or ‘A red, white and blue Brexit’.

“Labour wanted to differentiate itself from the Conservatives, as people are getting confused about all the votes we keep casting in the Commons to support whatever half baked casserole of nonsense Brexit the government puts to a ballot.”

The major dividing line between the two Brexits has not impressed experts.

Three year old, Sandy Sawyer, currently attending a childcare centre two days a week, summed it up like this,

“There is only Brexit and any idiot, who isn’t blinded by an irrational need to reinforce their deep seated personal insecurities, which manifest in an unwavering political tribalism no matter how irrational the actions of the party they have pinned their colours to the mast of, will tell you that.

There simply hasn’t been the time, planning or effort made to grasp the complexities to make a success of Brexit, which involves attempting to unravel ourselves over a long weekend from a relationship that is decades long.

Never mind the fact the roots of the project go back through the ghastly wars of the last century, but no Brexiter is capable of grasping that, or the existential importance of the EU to the rest of Europe.

This is why they just strut about talking cobblers and expect the continental countries to touch the forelock. Muppets.

I expected adults to be better at this. We’re dealing with the future of myself, my peers and my older cousins here.

This whole shambles is like watching my dad attempting to put together a sofa bed from IKEA without reference to the instructions because he thinks he’s gotta do it that way or he loses face.

But I better stop prattling on or I’ll get labelled a Centrist Child. Hand me the shovel please. I’ve got a head sized hole to dig in the sandpit.”

LCD Views own Brexit analyst is also unimpressed.

“Any Brexit is a jobs first Brexit. Just pay attention to the news. Jobs are going and very often now the people who used to do the job. That’s your jobs first Brexit. It’s actually an unintentionally accurate way to describe what we’re currently doing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Sandy has stuck her head inside a hole in the sand to display a supporter of Brexit. I need to pull her out before she comes to harm.”

The populist propaganda preacher Nigel Farage has decided to make his intentions quite clear. The cheery Brexit slogan “”Bog off, we’’re full”” is to be painted on the white cliffs of Dover. In letters fifty feet high. Using red paint. Farage himself has offered to carry out the work.

Farage is notoriously hard up, however. His measly income from the European parliament barely covers basic necessities, such as Tweed suits and vintage champagne. Therefore he has applied for EU finance to fund this vital work.

LCD’s Tilting At Windmills correspondent met Farage over draught bitter and cigars. ““The government wasn’t keen on painting a message on a national icon,”” said Farage, taking a deep swig of Olde English Dogsbollocks. “”So I volunteered to do it myself. It is symbolic of our great Brexit victory, perhaps even more so than the blue passport.””

It is clearly important to send the correct message to our European chums. “”This is a job that needs to be done, and it falls to yours truly to do it,”” Farage noted, sparking up. “”So I have ordered 500 gallons of bright red paint and a big ladder.””

There is a potential snag: the language barrier. “”That’s why the words will be fifty feet high,”” remarked Farage, patiently. ““It’s the written equivalent of shouting. It always works for me when I have to talk to bloody foreigners!””

And the beauty of it is that the EU will, hopefully, pay. “”Well, they bloody well ought to!”” exclaimed Farage. ““After all the favours we have done them, they should be only too willing to stump up a few quid to help out a poor Englishman! It’s their raison d’’être, to give me their money. It’s a quid pro quo.””

We spoke to the EU’’s Pointless Grants Office, but they just laughed at the suggestion. Poor Nigel may be maxing out his credit card after all.

Manufacturers ordered an immediate halt to sales of Jeremy Corbyn inaction man figures today after the dolls crossed the toy store shop floor to prop up tottering Theresa May ones.

“We couldn’t believe it when we saw it,” shop floor assist Mo Mentum told LCD Views’ Living Dangerously correspondent,

“these aren’t supposed to be battery powered, just wind up ones that shuffle back and forth a bit singing the old Soviet national anthem.

We don’t know how they’re doing it. And we’re buggered if we know why, if we’re honest. Although I’ll personally be calling anyone who says anything critical of the dolls a Blairite.”

The manufacturers were already facing serious criticism for the fact that no fence was included with the JC dolls for people to sit him on.

“The little red book was there. A hammer. A sickle. A scythe. A manifesto commitment to renationalise the railways, something most people can agree on, even Chris Grayling when he’s honest, but no Brexit sitting fence.

People felt short changed, but they were reluctant to return the dolls out of a lingering sense of hope they don’t want crushed.”

Understandable.

But with the sudden awareness that the dolls are capable of supporting others expected to be arch enemies on ideological grounds, sales had to be halted while the makers worked out how to stop it happening.

“Imagine if this sort of thing were to happen in the House of Commons?

Say, regarding some controversial legislation that threatened to potentially reduce the rights of 65M+ people, create economic hardship and all there was to show for it was a blue booklet?

There would be riots if the official opposition didn’t use that moment to get a dangerous and divisive government out of office!”

It’s hoped sales of the dolls will recommence once a way is found to stop the JC dolls supporting the May ones.

“Have you seen the state of the Jeremy Hunt Hospital Play Set?

We can’t update those ones in any satisfactory way until we’ve cleared out the May dolls, but people won’t buy either while JC ones are found next to May dolls. It’s downright scary.”

Asked for comment a Labour Party spokesman replied,

“People are commiting class betrayal by claiming that whoever designed the latest version of the dolls, the more populist, less principled model, don’t know their arse from their elbows. They need to be quiet and get back in line.

 

Just leave the JC dolls to do what they like. After we seize power we’ll be nationalising toy production anyway and each Corbyn doll will come with a magic Brexit unicorn big enough for you to ride on.”

LCD Views has learned of fury in the halls of Brexit today with the revelation that the Home Office has put out to tender the printing of burgundy ration books.

“It’s supposed to be another genius snub to the EU, which passed a law forcing all member states to produce burgundy passports in 1954, but it’s potentially an own goal by the government,” LCD’s Futures correspondent, N Ostradamus reveals, “for how much burgundy incenses Brexiters. And we’re all Brexiters now.”

The ration books are expected to be made by a Saudi Arabian company, in a tie-up cash for U.K. made bombs deal. This is a win win which is designed at diversifying our middle eastern friend’s economy, away from oil and into print.

“We’ve ordered eighty million of them,” N Ostradamus reveals, “more than the current official population of the U.K., but ask any hardline conservative and they’ll tell you for a fact there’s at least fifteen million illegals hiding in the shires. They won’t get ration books, but it’s worried the indigenous population may eat the books while queuing for bread. We’ll need spares.”

LCD Views suggests, if it’s not too late to change direction, that classic British blue would have been the more patriotic choice.

Labour have criticised the plan too.

“A jobs first Brexit will mean most of the able population tilling our nationalised farms and fields. There won’t be any need for rations. People can eat the fallen fruit in the fields as they turning over sods of soil.”

But we perceive the greater danger is the Saudi’s accidentally dropping crates of burgundy ration books on Yemenis after a potential mix up talking to Boris Johnson.

That’s no good.

We only recycle oil money properly when they drop British made bombs and we turn a blind eye. Well, unless they drop the bombs on a population that can perhaps make it to Europe as war refugees. Then it’s a front page Daily Mail issue that we can all shake our fists about.

Presumably some ration books will make it to British soil, so we suggest you order your blue ration book covers now to conceal the treasonous burgundy. They’d make great birthday and Christmas presents in advance of March 2019.

“They should just make the new blue passports dual use,” N Ostradamus recommends, “it’s not like anyone, except the wealthiest, will be able to afford a holiday after March 2019, and I can’t see Jacob Rees-mogg queuing for food, can you?”

No, he’ll send a servant instead, like all the people driving Brexit.

Leave means Leave. Brexit means Brexit. All ties to the wicked continent will be cut off. This is what we, The People, voted for. The channel tunnel will become redundant. Secret plans released this week suggest that it will be used as a mushroom farm instead.

Government mouthpiece Poppy Cock spoke to LCD’s Dig For Britain correspondent to explain. “After Brexit, which is well on course to be an outstanding success, nobody will want to leave these shores, ever again,” she said. “Naturally, nobody will be allowed in either. The channel tunnel will cease to have any raison d’etre. This means that there will be over 20 miles of cold, dark, damp tunnels lying empty. It’s an outstanding business opportunity.”

“There are two tunnels, over 20 miles long each,” Ms Cock continued. “But they will be bricked up half way along to prevent Frenchness from infiltrating our nice English champignons.”

Plans are already in place to recruit Kentish volunteers to work in the tunnels. “Since Kent is to be concreted over to provide work and an American airbase, there will be displaced serfs aplenty,” claimed Ms Cock. “Their waste will provide the perfect matrix for fungus production. We have already renamed it Morel Fibre.”

Michael Gove will be heading up this important new enterprise. As Secretary of State for Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs, it falls nicely into his remit. He is said to be designing a new device to harvest the mushrooms. Treacherous wags have already dubbed it a “toad’s tool”.

Treasonous lefty traitors have drawn parallels between the new mushroom industry and Brexit. “We British citizens have been treated like mushrooms,” said subversive Sissy Snowflake. “We have been kept in the dark and fed large amounts of shit.”

John Bull is teaming up with Poppy Cock. So, is this a Cock and Bull story, or are they just full of shiitake?

The power of the state is to be turned against David Davis’ nose this week after David Davis wrote to the prime minister demanding she takes legal action after his nose fell off his face.

From a letter leaked exclusively to LCD Views we can reveal the above, and the Secretary of State for Shafting the UK’s reasoning.

“It’s true I threatened to cut my nose off my face if Barnier’s nose didn’t agree that his face needed my nose more than I needed my nose,” advises Mr Davis, “and it’s also correct that I proceeded to cut off my nose with my own blade in order to make it clear to Barnier’s nose just how far I was to prepared to go to maintain a deep and special relationship with the EU, while telling it to F off,”

There’s a lot of buts and it’s for a while, some outright lying, then,

“My nose has purposely ruined my best shirt for when I’m propping up the bar in the House of Commons.

There’s my own blood all over the place.

I demand the state sues my nose to cover the costly dry cleaning bill I’ve incurred when it took me at my word and fell off, after I cut it off my face.”

The Prime Minister is yet to respond to Mr Davis’ written demand, believed to currently be just sitting behind her desk at Downing Street asking passers by,

“When does this end? Can someone tell me when I’ll be sacked? I can’t do it myself. I can’t even sack Hunt.”

In response to Davis’ leaked letter the EU had this to say,

“Of course, when a member state comes to us and says it is going to have our cake and eat it and it can do it while cutting its nose off its face, we prepare for exactly that by standing back and having our own cleaners on standby, just in case, as any fool can see it’s all going to get very messy.

These Brexit people must think we’re as full of piss and wind as they so clearly are. It’s really quite incredible.”

It seems both David Davis’ nose and the EU can smell a load of BS a mile away, pity the same can’t be said for the individuals on our side who are creating it.

And the cost of Davis’ dry cleaning bill?

You guessed it, currently running at £350M per week to the taxpayer, and set to rise.

DExEU is thrilled to announce today that it alone is responsible for “the boom time commencing for patriotic British concrete suppliers, owing to the car-parking over of Kent”.

“This is just sensible advanced planning in the advent of a ‘no deal Brexit’,” David Davis MP told LCD’s Aggregates and Other Materials Specialist.

“Clearly, if we do crash out of the European Union without a deal, or a transitional period being agreed, then the customs queues at Dover are going to be eyewateringly long.

Our initial plan was to build a bridge all the way from the White Cliffs to France, but that idea was abandoned at the concept phase, for being contradictory to the entire ethos of Brexit.”

And it’s not only concrete suppliers that are experiencing the joys of sudden influxes of giant amounts of taxpayer’s cash.

Demolition building contractors are right now ferrying busloads of labourers across the entire Kent landscape armed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers.

“We’re setting up temporary accommodation for the population of Kent in Yorkshire. Clearly, all the houses and standing structures in Kent have to be flattened as you can’t park lorries on bumps.”

The temporary accommodation is tents, for the most, with the first families to arrive being given the few trailer homes DExEU could requisition at short notice.

“We will be airdropping food supplies to the relocated people, for the first week, but I advise them to locate the nearest off license, as they’ll need to be self sufficient from week two.”

Labour however, in spite of the jobs being generated, have hit back at the new concrete focused, infrastructure plan.

“We agreed with government that there would be no contingency planning in advance of Brexit. Such treacherous moves make it less likely we’ll be able to nationalise the farming sector in Kent, when we take power in April 2019, as you can’t grow corn on concrete. We’re deeply troubled.”

In a surprise, additional statement, Labour even threatened to whip the PLP to vote against Theresa May’s government on a Brexit amendment again, but that’s thought just to be a bit of bluster and not a serious threat. It’s rumoured Mr Corbyn is still waiting for his pulse to settle after having done it once. You have to build momentum to vote against a weak government on its agenda of bulldust and lies. You can’t just launch yourselves into it!

“We don’t need to do operation Carpark Kent,” Tom Watson, Labour deputy leader, added later, on his facebook page,

“We’ve a perfectly sensible plan to continue trade, post Brexit, with the continent by way of thousands of little British boats ferrying goods back and forth daily between England and Dunkirk. It’s our new ‘boats first Brexit’.”

A boats first Brexit? That’s something we can get onboard with!

The chief negotiator for the European Union, Michel Barnier, called for an immediate freeze on freedom of movement within the EU 28 this afternoon.

“Just until we can work out what the hell is going on,” Mr Barnier added,

“I had this racist clown in my office all morning banging on about borders and taking back control and immigration and Britain being full, it was appalling. He was straight out of the 1930’s.”

It appears Barnier didn’t recognise Farage at first.

“Apparently he is an elected MEP who struts about constantly complaining that the EU is undemocratic in some sort of endless stand up act. I didn’t recognise him. He’s never turned up to do a full day’s work as an MEP as far as I can tell.”

The fact that Farage is a surname of French derivation added to the confusion.

“I thought he must be one of Le Pen’s useful idiots. But apparently he is some English blowhard who is most likely working for the Kremlin. This alone explains why I now agree with the Brexit mob that we need tighter EU border control and an immediate end to freedom of movement.”

Mr Barnier went on to say he was also in favour of retrospectively tightening up the qualifications for receiving an EU pension.

“Mr Farage has done nothing even close to work in the EU parliament, in spite of apparently being elected to it for many years. It’s hard to see how working to destabilise a trading union that has helped reinforce peace in Europe since WW2 equates to a pension once he’s made his own position extinct?”

Additionally Mr Barnier suggested the building of a wall around the entire United Kingdom.

“If it stops men who micmic racist Nazi propaganda in referendum campaigns from getting into my office I’m all for it.

The United Kingdom can pay for it too, with its automotive, aerospace, pharmaceutical and financial services industries over the next few years.”

EU border control have been told to watch out for Mr Farage attempting to cross the channel again and to halt him at the border until his passport is blue. At which point he will be charged for a visa and asked to queue a very long time.

Oh those silly Eurocrats, Farage got himself a German one after the referendum.

He maybe the worst we can produce and an appalling hypocrite who has set a destructive and divisive national agenda that both leaders of both main political parties at Westminster have currently signed up to, but he’s no fool.

“Perhaps your politicians at Westminster, Mr Corbyn and Ms May, could have a little talk about whose vision of the future of the U.K. they are working to fulfil?”