Category: Brexit

LCD Views are going to be first to reveal the SHAMEFUL SCANDAL just coming to light in which desperate Brits are tying the knots with EU citizens in exchange for MONEY and PASSPORTS.

“It’s a SHAMEFUL SCANDAL,” our marriage analyst, Prof Dee Vorce’d, shouted, “Brits marrying EU citizens in exchange for cash and passports is not on. We call on the government to immediately tackle the latest Brexit RACKET!”

Exact figures are not yet to hand, but undisclosed Home Office figures leaked to LCD Views by one of our former interns who now works as a junior HO minister, after leaving LCD Views in shame, put the figure at fifty thousand and mounting.

“It’s no surprise this sort of crime is occurring,” Dee conceded,

“it was only a matter of time before the anxieties over a loss of freedom of movement between the United Kingdom and the tyrannical, failing, superstate EU and all its enshrined human rights power grabs and environmental controls, led to Brits and EU citizens taking desperate measures to find a way around any new, relationship deepening restrictions.”

Quite where the sham marriages are taking place is not yet certain, but Vorce’d has a place in mind.

“Gretna Green is booming again,” Dee observed, “not just the tourist buses come to see the famous site of shotgun weddings, but truckloads of young British people and their FAKE SPOUSES have been witnessed tearing through the old blacksmith’s forge and out again lately.”

Dee said she has already written to the Home Office to advise them to check closely anyone applying to the Immigration Service for a marriage license where one party is an ALIEN.

“The only real shock,” Dee Vorce’d added, “is that it’s Brits marrying EU citizens to get EU passports. Danish is the most popular. Then German, French and Italian. I am frankly baffled that the traffic in this crime appears to be all one way.”

LCD Views can report from a math competition which occurred at a central London location this morning, that noted child genius, little Liam ‘air miles’ Fox, has failed to solve the famous math puzzle of the Brexit Dividend.

Maybe you can do better?

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

In what was a highly anticipated moment in math, ‘air miles’ Fox, took to the equation live on air, with next to no preparation.

Our best economics correspondent, Dr Quit Er, was listening and gave his reaction,

“I admit I was disappointed.

I’ve taken on the equation over and over and it always, always, without fail, equals an economic boom and a unicorn for every man, woman or child.

I don’t understand how little Liam can have failed? International trade is clearly his best subject, but math is close behind.”

Dr Quit Er isn’t alone. Our whole office was baffled.

“Perhaps it’s the jet lag?” Titan Searchlight asked.

“Liam has reportedly flown further than the Moon in business class, and that was by April 2017.

God knows how tired of all those air miles little Liam must be by now? He works hard for the taxpayer coin. What a trojan horse he is.

Anyway, I hope he has the company of a good friend during all those difficult hours, trying to find entertainment between complimentary drinks, five star hotels and meeting some of the most famous humanitarians on the planet?”

We can only recommend that the Department for International Trade is lent a math tutor from that bastion of accounting genius, DExEU, to help ‘air miles’ Fox work through the equation before he’s publicly tested again.

And if you haven’t yet solved,

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

The answer is David Davis. We think.

The new post of Minister of Loneliness has been given to Brexit supremo, David Davis. He will act as an ambassador for loneliness during and beyond Brexit.

Many names had been considered. All had their merits. For example, Justine Greening was considered after running away from the plum job of Education Secretary. Opposing the government is tantamount to opposing the country, and is a very lonely position. Unfortunately that also makes Greening a traitor, and rules her out of contention.

Another possible choice was Jacob Rees-Mogg. His oddball personality and isolationist attitude are ideal attributes. However the fact that he has a wife and six (at the last count) children counted against him. Moggy must be knee-deep in nannies right now.

A left-field candidate was Theresa May herself. Frequently pictured alone, or hovering on the fringes, simply being an introvert is not sufficient qualification. She is also too busy (nominally) running the country. It’s lonely at the top.

All of which brings us to Davis. The affable, chipmunk-cheeked chappie is at first glance an unlikely candidate. His current job, though, is to push as hard as he can (bless him) to negotiate Britain out of a favourable trade deal and a benevolent trading bloc. It is the political equivalent of volunteering to do extra maths homework while the other boys play football. The more successful Davis is, the more alone he, and we, will be.

There is a very real danger that Brexit will mean Great Britain being marginalised and ignored. This country has revealed itself to the world as self-righteous and infantile. In this man’s world, the UK is all mouth and no trousers.

Brexit policy has been dressed up in fancy language, but there’s nothing underneath. Fur coat and no knickers, like a cheap slut. The UK may have to prostitute itself to survive.

And there’s the rub. Brexit may well mean that the UK becomes the lonely man – or woman – of Europe.

Boris Johnson has picked the dead cat off the table, thrown down the other day to distract from Macron’s visit, and slapped it right back down again by saying,

“Of course, my um, ah, my proposed bridge of freedom would be constructed inside the existing channel tunnel.”

The reasoning behind this appears to be the assertion by the operators of the Eurostar that pulling the United Kingdom out of the customs union will put them in a position where they can no longer operate their service.

“Shipping. I suggest they go into passenger liners,” The Foreign Secretary shrugged off the concerns,

“this momentous change in the fortunes of our once great nation mean the Chunnel will be free to have my bridge, the Bungle, built inside.

Furthermore, it will be a garden bridge. I’m going to ask my chummy, chum, chum Joanna Lumley to back it!”

Construction on the Bungle, with skylights, is due to begin just as soon as,

“We’ve arranged a special exemption for all the EU 27 nationals we will need to help us construct it.”

The funding will come,

“Not only from the twenty seven, billion, million we will save by no longer paying contributions to the Pope Farage pension fund, but from the massive amounts of money we will make once we start imposing tariffs on John McDonnell’s idea of a single market relationship.”

But critics have accused the foreign secretary of attempting to distract not only from the fact he has still not arranged the release of Nazanin, but also the catastrophic mountain of nonsense both the Conservative and Labour Parties are creating for the country.

“Pifflefabble,” Johnson countered,

“working hand in hand with our Brexit colleagues, UKIP, Corbyn and McDonnell we will make the Bungle a shining, submarine example of what a Britain freed of the need for a cross channel train service can do.

The bridge inside the channel tunnel will render both tunnel and bridge useless, cost all of our wealth, which will go straight to tax havens, which is exactly what all our public policy is currently intended to do.”

LCD Views spoke today with noted, British revolutionary leader Jesus Corbyn Christ, or JCC, to hear how he’s going to achieve his stated aims of saving the NHS and everyone on this island, before, or after, economic calamity strikes.

“Personally, I’d prefer to save the NHS after economic calamity has engulfed the U.K.,” JCC smiled,

“calamity is a much greater recruiter than a few thousand kids shouting insults on social media at anyone who dares point out inconsistencies between my assertions and my actions.”

We settled down to a breakfast of smashed avocado and rye, brought by our correspondent, to learn more.

“We are taking a bit of heat from centrists, both left and right leaning ones, for not opposing Brexit and shoving May’s disaster caravan into the ditch, but I’m prepared to weather that.

I’m sure we’ll be able to protect all the rights for ordinary people built up over the decades of EU membership, once we get the Tories out.

I’ve weathered criticism all my political career, each time I cross the floor to vote with the Tories.

Which I’ve done for all of my career. It’s about principles.

No more so than now.”

Next JCC goes on to illuminate some of the deeper strategy behind his current pretending to fence sit on Brexit.

“We need to make a show of resistance, now and then, so our activists have something to spin when confronted by class traitor yellow Tory moderates.”

He explains the vote against the EU Withdrawal Bill the other day was the perfect example.

“Make a big show of voting against a bill you’ve consistently supported all the way from the triggering of Article 50. Sheer genius.”

And he reminds us again.

“Getting the Tories out of government is the most important thing, just not too quickly, or we won’t get the social revolution you can only get when middle class, class traitors are also living out of a bin.”

We’ve a suggestion though, how about you just get the Tories out? Base the decision on principles. Namely, what does Nigel Farage want?

You remember him, he’s the wannabe who said the timing of Jo Cox’s murder was inconvenient because it clashed with his launch of a poster billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda.

Maybe base your principles on whatever he doesn’t want? Just a thought.

Country before ideological zeal is so 20th century. What are we suggesting?!

The Home Office has issued an emergency directive banning all polling until after the success of Brexit, which everyone in the United Kingdom has united behind, as recent results have contradicted the will of the people.

“It’s to protect the will of the people,” Bull S Hit, speaking for the Home Office, told LCD Views.

“The recent trend in polls suggests that the mood of the people is starting to change. This is not allowed. This is a democracy.”

It’s felt if the results of polls continue to argue that people have, in the majority, changed their mind on Brexit, the very soul of our new system of government will crumble.

“You think about it, if people want to think again, now that they have more information and experience of the initial consequences of their advice to parliament, that would demand a system akin to parliamentary democracy. It’s a real threat to the eternal will of the people established on the 23rd June, 2016, when we updated our decision making to whatever Rupert Murdoch and museum curiosities like Rees-mogg want.”

So polling is now banned, until after Brexit?

“Maybe even longer. The people have spoken. It’s not like they need to speak again.

And it’s the only way to protect the legacy of David Cameron. You remember him? He bottled it in the face of Farage because he correctly realised that the baby boomer generation were going to be the last to ever vote again in the United Kingdom.

It’s a good thing he ran off to some lucrative gig selling posh sheds to the Chinese, or whatever. But I’ll never forget him.”

As part of this temporary measure, just like all temporary measures, now the government has its Henry VIII powers, patriotic democrats are asked to report anyone who asks them a question about Brexit to the Home Office’s new, Will of the People, task force.

The official opposition have pledged support to this measure too, as they’re too busy rubbing one out over the chance to do Lexit. Aren’t they Keir Starmer.

“If anyone asks your opinion on Brexit be sure to say you think it means defeating the EU army, and then call this low cost phone number and report them for sabotage.

It’s the will of the people.

It’s how we do things now. We’re a democracy.”

Recent BBC guidelines for interviewers have been leaked to LCD Views. The overlords who control the BBC have decreed that political interviewers are not to challenge Brexit, on pain of death, or (worse) being dismissed.

The document emphasised the need for an absence of bias.

“Bias”, it defines, is “Any point of view contrary to the current orthodoxy, or commonly held opinions. Since Brexit has been so universally accepted, it follows that it must not be debated.” As an explanatory sub-paragraph reveals, “Since Brexit is at a delicate stage of negotiation, interviewers must not rock the boat by questioning, debating or contradicting Brexit or its principles in any way.”

The document goes on to detail the set procedure for interviewees who stray from orthodoxy.

“Firstly, shout repeatedly ‘But the people decided! You can’t argue with democracy!’ at any sign of dissent. Secondly, if the dissenter persists, steer them onto the correct line of thinking. Trump them by saying, ‘Brexit is happening, whatever you say.’ Finally, refer to the BBC Guide To Political Debate On Social Media for a choice range of insults.”

LCD’s Brexit Means Brexit So There correspondent analysed the guidelines for us. “Clearly, all opinions are equal, but some are more equal than others,” he summarised. “Brexit is so inherently self-contradictory, that BBC journalists who contradict it would be seen as creating an imbalance in the debate. In other words, arguing against Brexit creates a paradoxical situation of both agreeing and simultaneously disagreeing. That is what Brexit Means Brexit means.”

So, we should simply keep our heads down, and work towards a common goal? “It’s altogether simpler just to let things be, and wait for the dust to settle,” he said. “Wait and see. Muddle through, it’s the British way. Ultimately, I think that we should just stop this unpatriotic whingeing. The people decided. You can’t argue with democracy. Brexit is happening, whatever you say. People need to accept the fact, and get over it!”

Our correspondent has since been allowed to seek alternative employment. At the BBC.

The powerful, just the most powerful, powerful, really very powerful policy think tank set up by the Conservative Party to win the next general election has hit on a killer electoral strategy.

“We’re going to make everyone, everyone broke,” a beaming F. Field MP revealed,

“since I agreed to chair our new electoral strategy team, Backwards, I’ve not had a good idea, but I’ve nailed it now.”

Details of the master plan are secret, but Mr Field let us have a peak under the cover of his notebook.

“If everyone in the United Kingdom earns less than the tax threshold, no one will pay tax, and everyone will love us. then we can claim a Labour government will raise your taxes!”

Mr Field has drawn a love heart next to “us” to illustrate his passion.

“Now we can go out and argue Labour will cause your taxes to skyrocket and be credible, unless we ruin everyone first?”

Mr F. clearly belongs to a party that knows its business, even if it doesn’t know anything about business.

But Labour have poured scorn on the strategy.

“Unicorns,” their policy guru retorted, “we will give you more unicorns. We’re going to get the best possible deal, unicorns, that will mean a lot to people going bust outside of both the single market and customs union. Unicorns. Then we’ll find which island the 1% has its money on and tax the sands. We don’t need to be inside the largest trading bloc on earth to take action against tax evaders. No. We need to be broke.”

It was in that moment that the guru’s face darkened as he realised Backwards had essentially parked Tory tanks on Labour’s new, redder lawn.

“This won’t do. Making everyone poorer is the essence of a job’s first Brexit!”

We left him to work out which way was onwards and how to do it by going backwards, before the Tories do.

The key to solving the riddle is to do with their policy on Brexit…

Leading magic toys retailer, Magic means Magic, responded to a deluge of complaints from unhappy customers today and suggested it may or may not withdraw its line of Brexit crystal balls from sale.

“Customers were complaining that the churning mist inside the Brexit crystal balls never clears to give a clear view,” store manager T May told LCD Views, “but that’s entirely the point.”

Whether or not customers were missing the point of the dark, churning, energy sapping, rights eliminating mist inside the Brexit balls or not, they were certainly filling social media with accusations of faults and dodgy goods.

“Our Twitter team attempted a push back. We released a meme showing how our toy scientists had manufactured special glass that helped increase the suspense of prophesying, but it just increased the blowback.”

So there was no choice but to withdraw the balls and accept a massive loss.

“£350M a week, so far,” T. May shrugged, “it’s increased our brand exposure though. No such thing as bad advertising. Balls mean balls.”

And there were some supporters.

“I like a leap in the dark,” a supporter, Mr Bolt On, chimed in, “I keep getting divorced and married and divorced. I was hoping one of the magic balls would help me land a much younger, aggressively racist lover. But one that would know to keep the pillow talk between the sheets, if you know what I mean?”

Magic means Magic have said they will revise the balls to more accurately reflect their theme.

“Now when you say show me the future it will just be a lonely man crying in a field next to a cow paddie while starving children scream at him holding blue passports,” T May said, “it won’t have enough suspense though.”

We think it’s good the Brexit crystal balls may or may not be withdrawn. We hope the rest of the associated merchandise will too.

“They were balls,” our toy analyst commented, “balls means balls.”

Yes we know that already. There’s a reason he doesn’t comment much.

Labour was still looking the general election victory gift horse of Brexit in the mouth this morning, as news broke of Justine Greening MP challenging Theresa May for leadership of the Tory party.

Ms Greening won the contest thirty seconds later, the Conservatives became the newest pro-Remain party, much to the irritation of the Liberal Democrats, cancelled austerity, causing private fury amongst Labour leaders, and called a snap GE.

All within two minutes of the member for Putney’s rapid acceleration to the top.

“Who will you back? This great, United Kingdom or Mr Jeremy Lexit Corbyn?” Ms Greening asked, speaking from the steps of 10 Downing Street, even as Theresa May was still clearing the Brexit plan fag packets out of her old desk.

“We believed we had as long as we liked to take government,” A spokesman for Labour told LCD Views,

“but we were so busy calling left of centrist remainers yellow Tories on endless Twitter threads we totally missed the moment when the Tories began massaging the party message towards staying in the EU. We were building a movement.”

That moment was on the 15th of January when Boris Johnson said he would rather stay in the EU, than accept a soft Brexit, something the raving, neoliberal, imperial nostalgic freak members of the party would never accept.

It’s either a total victory for the disaster capitalists or slink back into the shadows for a few years.

“People were onto us,” an aide to the new prime minister revealed, “We were ruining the NHS too fast. And when people began to die prematurely in corridors, and the construction sector started collapsing like a deck of cards, but Labour still wouldn’t break ranks with us over Brexit, we knew we had a chance to save our skins.”

An additional factor appears to have been the majority of Conservative MP’s reading the Brexit impact assessments.

“Of course they exist. We were just lucky we had a serial chancer and blowhard like Davis fronting that farce so the media was too distracted by his constant contradictions to pry too hard. Any MP who read the first paragraph of any of the assessments realised immediately that Brexit was the end of the Conservatives.”

Asked how they plan to respond to the shock election defeat, Labour had this to say,

“It’s okay. Jeremy is happiest building a movement.”