Category: Brexit

The EU is prepared to take a deep breath and let the UK sulk. To teach it a lesson, it will give the UK exactly what it wants. With strings attached.

“I just want to help him learn about the real world,” the EU told LCD’s Personified Multinational Trading Blocs correspondent. “The sooner the UK grows up and starts behaving like a responsible country the better. I know best, I AM his parent, although goodness knows who his father is.”

So, how will it work?

“Independence means Independence,” said the EU. “So I have put a lock on the outside of his door which is stronger than the lock on the inside.”

“You can’t do this to me” I have rights!” yelled the UK. “I’m allowed out, but you aren’t allowed in!”

“Leave means Leave,” replied the EU. “So you will no longer be permitted to raid the fridge in the middle of the night.”

“I’ll starve myself to death and then you’ll be sorry!”

“Brexit means Brexit,” continued the EU. “So you will no longer be able to rely on me to bail you out of trouble, or pick you up from your friend’s house at 1am.”

“You are ruining my life!”

“Cliff edge means you will not get any more leg-ups or preferential treatment,” the EU persisted. “In practice, this means that the stairs are now out of bounds.”

“Don’t care.”

“Getting your sovereignty back means the UK will receive no more subsidies from me,” said the EU. “No more pocket money. Go out and get a job. And stop whining!”

“I’ll go and live with someone who understands me,” declared the UK. “China, or North Korea, or the USA.”

“And when they get sick of you? Don’t come running back here begging to be let in again. It’s not going to happen! Off you go, and remember, you brought this on yourself.”

“IT’S NOT FAIR!”

Downing Street hit back today at the increasingly desperate EU by rejecting an offer on financial services post Brexit because the new bank passports on offer will not be blue.

“Haven’t they heard?” DExEU lapdog and  minister, Steve Baker MP, “we’re not taking your burgundy rubbish anymore! Unless, unless you’re a backer of Brexit and wish to retain freedom of movement post Brexit, in which case you’ll spend about a million quid to buy citizenship, otherwise, forget it!”

The EU are said to be quaking after Downing Street slapped their burgundy offer back in their faces.

“They can’t handle it,” Baker, lapdog and minister, went on, “We beat them in two world wars, three if you count Napoleon, all on our own and we’ll bloody well beat them again if we have to. We still know how to set a ship on fire! Are you listening EU? Do you get me?”

It’s not certain how the city of London is taking the firm stance adopted by Theresa May’s government, regarding the colour of any future banking passport.

We’re certain a terrified representative will pop up on the radio tomorrow morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, Today programme, BBC4, to attempt to diplomatically say something like,

“We’re not supposed to overtly get involved in politics. Lobby the hell out of the government behind closed doors, that goes without saying. But not overtly. So I’m going to say a few measured words and hope you interpret from them that I am dying inside, a little more, each and every day this Brexit insanity goes on.”

Steve Baker had more to say,

“I’ll shortly be nailing my letter to the door of the EU in Brussels setting out our demands for blue banking passports post Brexit. No colour but patriotic, British blue or they can forget about access to our financial markets.”

How do you think they’ll like that?

“They’ll be trembling sunshine. Just dying in their boots. After all, they need us more than we need them. Never forget it.”

Mr Baker then left to go into a dark, quiet room and weep quietly for how different his expectations of a carer in politics are turning out from the reality.

More on this as it comes to hand. As long as it’s the right colour, in the hand.

The Institute for (World Class) Shambles has issued a warning that the UK’s shambles clock has moved to one minute to midnight.

”It’s been this close a few times before. The banking crisis. The Seuz crisis. That time Colonel Melchett was made Secretary of Defence, pretty much all of the 1640’s was actually midnight, but this is the first time for a while it’s been this close.”

The Institute does clarify that we’ve been moving steadily through the seconds since the general election in 2015.

But what’s nudged the minute hand to one minute to midnight now?

”The government crying leak and we’ll find the traitor, over the financial assessments it wrote, lied to conceal, then finally decided to leak in order to vaccinate the voters with small pox before they catch the full blown yersini pestis of Brexit. That was two minutes to midnight. May losing the vote on her deal and sticking her fingers in her ears has us at one minute to midnight.”

That just sounds like sound governance, surely?

”Well, if it were in anyway conceivable that this was part of an organised strategy and not just a bunch of headless chickens running around 10 Downing Street crashing into walls, I’d grant you that possibility.”

You’ee saying it’s not part of an overall sound and well considered strategy? Surely that’s not possible. Strong and stable. You remember that.

”Are you having me on? We’re a serious bunch of scientists. We don’t laugh when we’re dealing with a complete and utter breakdown of common sense in the parliament of an industrialised economy.”

So how do we turn back the clock?

”You could try Brexit?”

You almost had me there for a heartbeat.

”I like to kid about sometimes. But not for long at one minute to midnight on the Shambles clock.”

What should we do then?

”Set your alarm for five seconds to midnight and just run.”

Where to?

”Hopefully the ballot box.”

The government is resisting calls to release forecasts detailing the cost of shooting the UK in one foot, in both feet or just diving head first into a wood chipper.

“We can’t let people see these reports, especially not parliament,” a spokesman for DExEU told LCD, “if parliament sees the reports in full they’ll know we’ve gone f*cking bananas.”

It’s understood that pressure is growing regardless, from MP’s and the public, to have the economic forecasts complied by DExEU released in full, so as to better inform the country’s decision makers.

“Look here, look now,” Boxus Barrel-Barn MP, Dorchepper Dimension, commented,

“I’ve got a bloody double barrelled shot gun aimed at my feet. I’ve got my fat, expenses loving finger on the trigger. I need to know what the likely result will be if I go along with the government’s wishes and pull the bloody trigger.”

He’s not alone.

Many MP’s are demanding the release of the documents, faced with the various potential outcomes of the Brexit negotiations.

“I’ve been repeatedly punching myself in the face since the 24th June 2016,” Tory, Tottup-Spiel-Glockem MP, Thrumble on Skirts,

“There’s blood all over the shop. I can’t see anymore. My teeth are rubble. I need to know what’s going to happen if I take it up a notch and get a hammer. Who could possibly tell on their own?”

LCD Views has sympathy with the need for secrecy, as expressed by David Davis and the other bollocks pedlars charged with the difficult task of negotiating the UK’s departure from the largest trading bloc on earth, under the totally believable sun ray of fortune which promises that arms sales to Saudi Arabia will more than make up for the loss of our entire service sector alone.

“I hear Jacob and Owen think the best course of action is just to shove the entire UK headfirst into a f*cking wood chipper and see what comes out the other side,” our political editor commented, “bloody brilliant idea. They’re both keen gardeners. Let’s get going. You first.”

 

LCD Views has been chosen by DExEU to respond to the leaking of Brexit economic forecasts to Buzzfeed, and thus the rest of the press, by asking a pressing question. Why did the NHS cross the road?

The shocking revelation that the government’s own Brexit economic forecasts range from bit crap, to really crap, to omg we’re all going to starve crap, at least solves the riddle of the David Davis song and dance show regarding said impact assessments.

“You know things are bad when the PM legs it and Irritable Duncan Syndrome is rolled out across the Today programme to irritably dissuade the voters from taking fright,” LCD’s bravest economic analyst said.

“And I quite concur with the government, in rubbishing its own secret forecasts. Firstly, the forecasts don’t take into account the massive post Brexit boost to the UK from the bespoke deal we’re going to successfully negotiate with the EU.”

The one they’ve been saying time and again we won’t get?

“The very same. Also, there’s all that value to be released from the sale of the NHS in exchange for an endless avalanche of antibiotic and hormone fattened, swimming pool strength chickens. You can put your fears to rest.”

That sounds reasonable.

“It’s time we privatised the NHS anyway. To make it more cost efficient to run and more productive. And besides, can you smother a GP in a dozen secret herbs and spices?”

Maybe, if you know them well enough.

“How many ducks does a cardiac specialist weigh?”

No idea. Guess it’s bespoke?

“How many eggs can a nurse or a primary care specialist lay, in a day?”

Good question.

“So don’t take fright. It will all be alright. Once the Brexit chickens come home to roost. Oh, and we’ve sold off our most loved public asset in a fire sale beginning at 11pm, 29th March, 2019.”

That’s cleared up that riddle.

“Why did the NHS cross the road?” asked our economic expert, switching to dad joke mode.

“Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA. Have a nice day.”

NHS, you know you love it! Mmm.

LCD Views’ shock poll of remain voters has revealed the two shocking things the majority of remain voters want most and they are shocking!

We asked a random sample of shocked people who voted remain in the last ballot ever needed in the United Kingdom (the one on June 8th 2017 doesn’t count, because it returned a complicated result, according to both leaders of both main parties) what they wanted most of the next couple of years upon this spitting, spinning ball of rock?

“Definitely to see Nigel Farage stay alive,” was the most common response.

We admit, we were a little shocked.

We are personally glad the milk of human kindness still flows deep enough to be concerned with the physical well being of a walking clusterf*ck of a human being, such as Nigel, but we didn’t necessarily expect to hear such an overwhelming response from a random sample of politically opposed voters.

So we dug a little deeper and asked why?

“So he can see the Brexit project collapse and die, why else?”

Ah, it all makes sense.

And the second shock result?

“To finally be able to come to an answer on the most pressing question I’ve been asking my partner since the 24th June 2016.”

Which is?

“If Brexit actually happens, should we move to France or Spain?”

Why limit yourselves to just those two, we’re sure all EU countries will make it easy for disaffected Brits to relocate, with the assets and their belief in a project that has grown to be so much more than the corporate club the Lexit crowd anachronistically still think it is?

“Fair enough, we’ll see who makes the most attractive offer.”

France or Spain? Greece, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, Denmark, France or Spain?

The list goes on to include 27 countries eventually. Take your pick.”

LCD Views is delighted to report that the cabinet deadlock over what to ask for during the Brexit negotiations, and what rules the UK must adhere to during the transition, has been resolved by the decision to shift the legal headquarters of DExEU to Panama, for the duration of the transition.

“This is a perfect way to square the circle,” T. Dodge, minister at DExEU told LCD Views,

“we were having serious trouble providing businesses with enough time to relocate to the EU, but enable the people who have pushed for, and promoted, and paid for Brexit, a legal way to evade the new EU anti-tax avoidance measures which kick off in 2019.”

It’s believed later today, Theresa May will drag David Davis out of the House of Commons bar and into a toilet.  Once inside she will give him a burner mobile phone and force him to call Angela Merkel.

“Theresa doesn’t want to talk to Angela, if she can avoid it.

She asks really personal questions, like, what do you want?

It’s not Angela’s place to seek answers to private, existential questions from our prime minister.

David will be so smashed, after a good lunch, he’ll just bulldoze though the conversation.

We’re moving to Panama Angela and there’s f*ck all you can do about it! Something like that.

Followed up with, take your new anti-tax avoidance measures and shove it!”

And one of the upsides too, is that this will be a move that will not involve any job losses.

“We will only need to hire one lawyer on Panama to make the shift work. So that’s a lot of London based jobs protected.”

It’s believed the cabinet disorder will settle now that a solution has been found to the sticky answer of how to avoid the new anti-tax avoidance measures, which is one of the primary drivers behind Brexit.

“We can use the transition time now to build a giant skyscraper post box in Westminster to act as the legal address for corporations and individuals, who will need sanctuary from the tyrannical EU’s tyrannical attempts to make corporations and individuals help pay for civil society.

The 8% of global wealth that’s hidden in tax havens needs a champion. UK plc can fulfil that role as we emerge from the xenophobia soaked chrysalis into the beautiful butterfly of Brexit.”

LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent is as manic as a terrier with a rat at the announcement that leader of the official inopposition, Jeremy Corbyn MP, has filmed a special episode of ‘Tattoo Fixers’ during which his old tattoo is corrected from “H O L D F A S T” to “L O V E  B R E X I T”.

“This is just classic television,” S Sassage said, waving a copy of Radio Times.

“This brings real clarity to firstly the question, why has Jezza been concealing his hand tats in gloves lately, and also, where does he really stand on Brexit?

It’s probably also to protect the extra finger he’s had sewn on just for the tattoo. This shows commitment to Brexit.”

It’s believed the re-inking move was in part motivated by how difficult it’s been for Jeremy to communicate to the Labour Party members, what he really thinks about Brexit.

“Pretty much his every action has been pro-Brexit.

From the morning of the 24th June 2016, when he playfully suggested Article 50 should be triggered immediately, to the constant crossing the floor to vote with May’s government.”

It’s presumed that once millions of people see his new tattoos they’ll finally accept that the leaders of the a Conservatives, and Labour, are on the same page on Brexit.

“There’s been too much division in our politics lately,” Sassage observes,

“having the leaders united in fulfilling the hard right, neocon, wet dream of Brexit, is really unifying.

Even if Jezza hilariously thinks he can magic it into Lexit, whatever that is in 2018!”

It’s presumed the 60-70% of Labour members who don’t want Brexit, will finally accept that what the supporters of Labour constituencies who voted Leave wanted in June 2016, whatever their reasons for voting, will guide the party forever.

“The young members need to go back to looking at Candy Crush on their phones,” Sassage goes on,

“what they want doesn’t figure. Let your elders decide.

You know, the ones who are going to push up daisies as you enjoy post Brexit food riots, after Russia crashes our digital infrastructure because the Secretary of Defence is not up to his job.”

While this will certainly be exciting TV, it does come with a warning,

“If you’re going to emulate the cult god JC and get inked up, do it at home.

Needle and a black marker is all you need. Damn sight cheaper than paying a professional tattooist.”

And for those who liked the old Jeremy’s H O L D  F A S T naval themed tattoos? “Forget it. The old Jeremy has sailed.

And if you don’t get it that he loves Brexit after this, he’s going to come around your house and scream it at you over breakfast.”

LCD Views cooking correspondent is pleased to have been chosen to preview “How to serve your fellow man after Brexit”, by publishers Disaster & Con.

“I’m having trouble getting all the ingredients for the long pig bubble and squeak,” Mr Man Cook begins,

“although I can imagine that won’t be as big an obstacle shortly after the U.K. crashes out of the single market and customs union.

This book will be a boon for hardware and weapons sellers too.

You can expect security services to be so busy patrolling the beaches to stop people emigrating, that it should be open season in small towns for not only looters, but hunter and gatherer tribes too. This book is going to prove an indispensable resource. Especially if Rees-mogg does make it to PM.”

The updated edition features not only new recipes, but a foreword by famous economist Patrick Minford.

“A car park,” Mr Minford begins, “I won’t be satisfied until the whole of the north of England is a car park.

We can hold car boot sales of the remaining national assets then and ‘lucky dip’ bring a neighbour bbq’s.

We didn’t quite get there in the 80’s, but we’ll bloody finish them off with Brexit.”

Mr Minford then goes on to extrapolate on the mentalgasm he will experience when the last of manufacturing is closed down.

“It makes perfect sense to manage the decline of the last of our shrunken manufacturing base,” he continues,

“pulling a service dependent economy like ours out of the single market is sheer genius.”

The harder the crash the better, he urges.

“Then we can set out hunting and eating each other and elevate the entirety of society to a purity of essence not seen since the Donner Party got lost in the snows.”

While Patrick Minford is clearly insane, his recipe for the future prosperity of the United Kingdom, is one of self reliance and traditional skills base.

“I recommend getting your copy of ‘How to serve your fellow man after Brexit’ today, before the paper stocks run out.”

And follow the recipes in the book carefully, cooking times are essential to good food hygiene.

“Remember too,” adds Mr Man Cook, “rationing won’t last forever. Best to be at the back of the line. That way you can catch others when they fall.”

Retail price is currently only £9.99, but that is expected to rise exponentially as the currency collapses later this year.

Pre-ordering is encouraged. So is learning to fight. Fast.

LCD Views are going to be first to reveal the SHAMEFUL SCANDAL just coming to light in which desperate Brits are tying the knots with EU citizens in exchange for MONEY and PASSPORTS.

“It’s a SHAMEFUL SCANDAL,” our marriage analyst, Prof Dee Vorce’d, shouted, “Brits marrying EU citizens in exchange for cash and passports is not on. We call on the government to immediately tackle the latest Brexit RACKET!”

Exact figures are not yet to hand, but undisclosed Home Office figures leaked to LCD Views by one of our former interns who now works as a junior HO minister, after leaving LCD Views in shame, put the figure at fifty thousand and mounting.

“It’s no surprise this sort of crime is occurring,” Dee conceded,

“it was only a matter of time before the anxieties over a loss of freedom of movement between the United Kingdom and the tyrannical, failing, superstate EU and all its enshrined human rights power grabs and environmental controls, led to Brits and EU citizens taking desperate measures to find a way around any new, relationship deepening restrictions.”

Quite where the sham marriages are taking place is not yet certain, but Vorce’d has a place in mind.

“Gretna Green is booming again,” Dee observed, “not just the tourist buses come to see the famous site of shotgun weddings, but truckloads of young British people and their FAKE SPOUSES have been witnessed tearing through the old blacksmith’s forge and out again lately.”

Dee said she has already written to the Home Office to advise them to check closely anyone applying to the Immigration Service for a marriage license where one party is an ALIEN.

“The only real shock,” Dee Vorce’d added, “is that it’s Brits marrying EU citizens to get EU passports. Danish is the most popular. Then German, French and Italian. I am frankly baffled that the traffic in this crime appears to be all one way.”