Category: Brexit

“I stand to profit more than I thought, after seeing the leaked economic report,” said an emerging market specialist, “In fact, I’m a little shocked, but in the right way.”

The merry comment was made to LCD Views after one of our chief editors was awoken early by the unexpected phone call.

“Who’s calling please?” he grumbled back down the line, “is the coffee on?”

“Just think of all the cash I’ve been stockpiling over the years in USD accounts just waiting for the great Brexit train crash! Panama, Panama, I want to wire money back from Panama!”

“Who is this? Jacob? Daniel? Boris? Nigel? Kate? Jeremy? Is that you? If it’s you Jacob, I’ve told you not to call unless you want to practise latin.”

But the happy caller was not dissuaded.

“Maybe I should put some more in Euros too? What do you think?” he asked.

“You’re the emerging market specialist, you tell me.”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THE NHS IS GOING TO BE AFTER THE NO DEAL CRASH?”

“Please stop shouting, I’m only just waking up.”

The line went dead then.

The call wasn’t recorded. The transcript is missing. But I’ll believe our senior staffer, probably.

Especially with the latest leaked forecasts showing that most of the regions of the United Kingdom are promised various levels of doom under any Brexit scenario.

We spoke to our senior investment guru to ask what he will do in advance of the train running off the tracks?

“Don’t invest in car manufacturing in the UK.

Don’t invest in pharma.

Don’t invest in aerospace.

Don’t invest in higher education, the government doesn’t.

Just don’t invest until the crash and it’s time to bring it all back!

Take your money away like everyone else will.

Money will make money, but only if you take a leaf out of the Brexiter’s playbook and prudenter, placerat and keep it offshore until the prunus falces quondam maturavit.”

Finally, some latin at last.

LCD Views’ embedded reporter at Downing Street reports back from the bunker that Theresa May is resisting calls for an enquiry into who said “No deal is better than a bad deal” just so, so many times last year.

“They have more pressing priorities,” Arma Geddon said over a scratchy line, “I’m not sure how long I’ll have reception. Right now the prime minister is going so far down for cover it’s likely all reception will cut out.”

No deal is better than a bad deal. A catchphrase someone used just so, so many times prior to the June 8th 2017 general election has been shown today to be something only a catastrophic arsehat would ever had said, on the back of leaked economic forecasts showing that a no deal scenario would pretty much end all life in the United Kingdom outside of London.

“The important thing is that there will still be cake to eat in the Westminster tea rooms regardless of whatever happens in the badlands,” Arma Geddon said, over a line that was breaking up so bad we had to fill in the blanks.

Regardless of Downing Street’s understandable focus on more pressing matters, such as convincing the automotive industry not to say it’s going to up sticks and leave before Brexit Day, it’s likely calls will continue to be issued for a public inquiry.

An inquiry into what fumbling, terrified, clueless, cynical, frightened cat of a public official could ever have spent months trying to sell such an obvious con of a phrase to the voting public.

Now that the economic forecasts have come out that state it would determinedly grind the economies of most of the United Kingdom into the dust over years of desperation, rage and fear…and ironically, mass emigration away from Britain.

“I’m sure they’ll get to the bottom of underqualifed fool said it,” Arma Geddon said, just before contact was lost, “although probably not in the emergency toilet that the prime minister is currently seeking the sanctuary of, just above the earth’s mantle.”

We hope they’ve taken enough paper down. It could be a long night.

News of technological trouble today with the story that Brexit Industry’s new smart phone is coming under fire from early adopters for being unable to send lower case text messages.

”It also adds random exclaimation marks to all text messages and random commas,” LCD Views’ tech correspondent reports, “and most surprisingly it often misspells Inglish!!,!!,!”

Brexit Industry was established in the early 2000’s, when historical amnesia began to become very prominent, and has so far gone from strength to strength. Although recently the company has issued profit warnings.

We texted an unsatisfied customer to find out more.

“ITS A REEL PROBLEM 4 ME,!!!,!!,” Little Tommy texted LCD to complain, “I DUNT ALWAYS WONT TOO TALK TOO OTHER KIPPERS SUMTIMEZ I WANT TOO TEXT MUMM A BOUT NOT MIXIN UP THE COLORS WEN ?!, SHE DOES MY WOSHIN.”

While the release of the Brexit phone has been highly anticipated, it seems it isn’t all it’s stacked up to be by its manufacturers.

“Well, it costs you a lot more to make calls at least,” our tech correspondent commented, “You’ll have to pay through the nose in the EU27 to use it. The battery life is poor and prone to overheating,

“The brightness function is more of a dimness, so that’s fitting. But the permanent caps lock is going to be an issue if you’re going for a job. As unlikely as that will be.”

It seems caps lock in a message is taken as the equivalent of shouting, which isn’t the best way to give emphasis to a well constructed argument relating to the future trading and cultural relationship between the United Kingdom and the European Union.

“Although, if you’re spouting racist gibberish it is quite fitting, so I suspect there is still a niche market for Brexit Industry’s smart phone.”

Won’t the early reviews affect its sales over the longer term?

“Potentially. Although I suspect if they just market the device honestly it will go better.”

And how would you advise them to do that?

“Well, test it first. Extensively. Work out the kinks. And call it a dumb phone. No one but the most credulous or intentionally lazy is going to believe for a moment this is a smart phone.”

Automotive safety bodies have demanded a Theresa May satnav mode be disabled after it was revealed it only ever advises drivers to turn to the hard right at any intersection.

“It makes it impossible to get anywhere,” Mr Mapp said, talking to LCD Views from a gridlocked street in Westminster, “you just end up going around in endless circles, even if they’re square circles.

The only time it tried anything different I ended up bogged in Westminster Green next to two red faced men holding a pro Brexit rally.”

It’s believed the design flaw is the result of a virus that infected the code behind the voice programme when Ms May’s voice patterns were recorded.

“It’s a bit of a mystery how a defining characteristic in her choices since becoming prime minister could have turned into a virus that’s infecting an entire system?” Mr Mapp wondered.

While a solution for the fault is sought drivers who have downloaded the Theresa May voice are advised to not use it. That it’s probably better to throw out the entire unit and get a fresh one.

“Hopefully they’ll get a fix. It’s been a troubled exercise from the start. The first edition drove people to distraction.”

This occurred because it issued instructions in three word soundbites that were grating at first, and quickly very distracting to drivers.

“Red means red isn’t much help,” Mr Mapp said, “Also, stop means stop, go means go and so on. Not once would she actually give a direction anyone could realistically follow.

The only driver who was so conditioned to being directed by machines they did exactly as instructed ended up in a dark pond, in their work car, while driving someone they were having an illicit encounter with home.

So they lost their job and their relationship once it all come out via the recovery and insurance process. I understand they’re now alone desperately ringing distant relatives for help.”

The further risk is apparently the sound of the actual voice itself.

“If you listen to it enough you can’t get it out of your head. And you end up hearing her instructing you when you’re on the toilet, brushing your teeth, making love, doing the grocery shopping, anything, anytime. It’ll send you mad.”

Just don’t do it. There’s always another option for how to get from A to B.

LCD has received word from the Ministry for Transport that Chris Grayling MP is about to leak an underwraps memo relating to the Isle of Wight and drastic changes to who owns it and how you get to it.

Our Westminster insider (no names no pack drill) reveals the likelihood of the re-nationalisation of the East Coast line is to be used to divert mainstream media interest away from one of the most exciting infrastructure developments in modern times.

“Grayling has succeeded in obtaining a commitment from Richard Branson (the railway billionaire who also likes buying up pieces of the NHS) to go for broke with the compulsory purchase the Isle of Wight, on the back of a promise from the Department of Transport to build a bridge to it, at its widest point.”

Why…I hear you ask? Is it because he just loves the island life? He just can’t wait to get there?

“It’s to do with Brexit,” the insider continues, “following the PM’s announcement that the UK is leaving the EU customs union, the Isle of Wight has been set aside as the new customs import and export entry point.

Why have lorry queues snaking all the way from Dover to London when you can carpark the Isle of Wight?”

Grayling will lay it out later in speech:

“This will make a perfect area to place the new UK customs screening facility.

Once we have cleared the existing housing there will be plenty of land for lorry parking while truck drivers await their chance to drive across the single lane bridge to dry land.

The narrowness of the bridge also means anyone attempting to sneak across the Solent will have to swim the Solent.

With four tides a day they are guaranteed to turn back, to the delight of Torykippers (who are the only voters we care about now), before they reach the mainland.

It’s a win, win! I’m personally very excited to have something else to make a success of. I believe this new infrastructure project can be completed in time to crash out of the customs union.”

Labour have yet to realise the implications of the memo, and the major transport change to the UK infrastructure.

Emily Thornberry has requested a map to see were exactly the Isle of Wight is relative to the UK mainland and promised to wake up Jeremy to comment.

LCD Views asked Richard Branson for a comment.

“Go away!… I’m still trying to find a builder to repair my caribbean island! And I’m not best pleased by all the laughing from the UK! I’m just a face. This isn’t my plan.”

As part of this sensible and sober plan to make a success of Brexit, the Isle of Wight we be renamed by the department of transport, to better represent its vital function as a place for goods and lorries to line up.

“We’re going to call it the Aisles of Wight from now on,” Grayling will say, “But we’ll have a competition to name the bridge.”

“If Jacob Rees-mogg had planned the gunpowder plot it would have gone off with a bang,” said a man in a white shirt who started a punch up the other day, while strangely not dressed as a Nazi.

“Robert Catesby, Guy Fawkes and the rest of the mob, just amateurs,” the man in the white shirt, strangely not dressed as a nazi for once, continued,

“look at the excellent conspiratorial work of the dashing member of parliament for North East Somerset last week?”

Look indeed, how could we not! As the media spotlight was right on the (alleged) plotters from the moment they got the short con of a civil service stitch up rolling under the protection of parliamentary privilege.

“You see the difference? Had Guy Fawkes planned it right he would have been standing inside the commons with all those barrels and a torch and no one could have touched him. Second class. Third rate. Remainder in a barrel job that 1605 plot.”

And how perfectly it went off last week, as Steve Baker lit the fuse after Rees-mogg laid it out for him to light, allegedly…

“It’s not their fault it blew up in their faces!” the man in the white shirt, strangely not dressed as a nazi, continued, “those traitors at Prospect magazine and their treasonous recording devices that set the record straight. Why I’d like to biff every last man and jack of them.”

But at least they had a follow up.

“Get some of those Corbynaitors right wound up by slapping a woman in the chops to make them look bad! ha!” the man in the white shirt, strangely not currently dressed as a nazi finished up, “they fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I can’t say who originally thought up that little plot. Just because it’s also blown up in our faces, because I like to wear fancy dress at parties, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth a shot.”

Whatever will they think up next? Or maybe it’s all part of the planing of the long con of Brexit?

We asked Steve Baker MP, who won’t be sacked for abusing parliamentary privilege to attack civil servants who can’t fight back, what he thought of it all,

“I think it would be quite extraordinary if it turned out that such a thing had happened.”

Quite Steven. Quite. Maybe take a little longer in the planning next time you hatch up a plot with a 19th century fop?

A famous British magician has confirmed today that she is able to give people worried about how we will achieve a deep and close trading relationship with the European Union, after we have left it, by saying she is going to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

“It’s a classic trick,” she blushed in modesty, “not many people can do it. But when the pressure is really on I can.”

The reassurance will be welcome. We spoke to our international trade specialist for more details.

“You get a hat, right?” Dr Fox Fox began, “You got one? Make sure it’s a top hat. A deep one.

Okay, you make the top of the top hat hinged. It’s got to be a door. But one with a stiff seal so it sits snug or the illusion won’t work.”

We’re writing it down…

“Okay. Now you need a rabbit. Tradition dictates a white rabbit because it shows up best under lights. You’ll need sedatives though as the rabbit needs to be calm. You’re going to be shoving it in the hat and dragging it out and waving it around. Dope it to the eyeballs.

Dope yourself too. To the eyeballs, just in case you find yourself unable to perform. Maybe give the rabbit a bit of viagra. Maybe take some too. Stiffen the resolve. This is deep and special.”

Noted. I didn’t realise there would so many trips to the chemist. What about mind over matter? Surely the new union will be exciting enough?

“Don’t get technical.

Now, you’ll need a few distracting personal movements so people aren’t properly focused on the hat when you show them it’s empty.

Make sure the hat is black. This way people won’t see the hinges and flaps.

But it’s important not to leave the rabbit in the hat for too long before you pull it out, but don’t pull it out too early.”

Why not?

“It will suffocate. Not that the UK is in danger of that. No way.”

And finally?

“Suspense.

You need to build up the suspense.

It’s best if your audience thinks you have no idea what you’re doing or how you’re going to achieve it for the surprise to be greatest when you pull the rabbit out of the hat.

If you start pulling the rabbit out and waving it out early, like some boring public servant with a telephone book of plans, everyone will get bored.

Are you ready?”

We can’t wait. Let’s do it before I forget why we’re here.

“Not yet.

The only flaw in the plan to provide certainty for our future trading relationship with the European Union, A new, deep and special, meaningful, enduring, job protecting relationship, at the moment is that we don’t have a rabbit and we don’t have a hat.”

The moon is, normally, white. The recent supermoon was also a red ‘blood’ moon, and a blue moon too. This triple phenomenon is to be called a Brexitmoon from now on.

LCD Views’ resident astronomer, Patrick Moore-Or-Less, explains. “The moon was closer than usual to earth and appeared bigger than normal, hence ‘super’,” he said. “It was also eclipsed, which gives it the red ‘blood’ colour. This only happens once in a blue moon!”

Mr Moore-Or-Less went on to talk about the science behind a Brexitmoon, using words like perigee, ecliptic, and ellipse. At this point we had had enough of him and shoved him back into his lab.

Government loyalists were naturally overjoyed. “It’s an astroturfical monocle!” said a source close to Boris Johnson. “I intend to… I mean, Mr Johnson intends to build a bridge to the Brexitmoon as soon as Carillion’s finances mysteriously recover.”

One of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s chimney sweeps also commented on his behalf. “I am employed to make sure that his stovepipe hats are always in tip-top working order,” he said. “Mr Rees-Mogg believes that the Brexitmoon is a sign of approval from God himself.”

Over the pond, Donald Trump is also excited by the supermoon. “The biglymoon is due to my powers as President,” he tweeted. “The Flag is red, white and blue. Their it is. The moon is now American territory. I achieved what Obama couldn’t. Great news!”

We tried to send Mr Moore-Or-Less to interview the Man in the Moon. Unfortunately, the British space programme now consists of one mad flat-earther with a home-made rocket powered by charcoal briquettes. Our expert was last seen with a cat and a fiddle, looking for a jumping cow.

We may never know whether the Man in the Moon has shown his true colours at last. The waning moon is back to normal for now. The next Brexitmoon will not occur for another 19 years.

It is a rare and transient phenomenon. Like Brexit, we hope.

Chemists working at the Nobel Institute for New Forms of Semtex, NINFS, have issued a public warning today that every major news source, bar LCD Views, failed to pick up and run with.

No fearer of a lit fuse attached to a tub of 17th century era gunpowder and a plot, we are giving you the warning that you should have received already.

“Hazardous materials,” Professor Bang began in his weekly warning about something new that blows up,

“We here at the much loved NINFS specialise in making materials more hazardous. But even we have a line we will not cross outside of a laboratory.

I mean, I am absolutely gobsmacked that somebody should think mixing a Brexiter with a fact IN THE HOME was sensible?

What did they think would happen?

BANG! That’s what happens. A big bang too.

We are concerned about the risk to public safety, especially family dinners exploding out of hand at weekends. We ask all people not to do this.

Leave it to the authorities.

They have the bunkers for this sort of research.

Leave it to us. We get funded and we get a lot of funding for this sort of work. It’s great work if you can get it. Send us your CV today.

But yes, it’s important to work out (for the love of God) how to get a Brexit supporting votes to mix with a fact without blowing up, but any voter who still thinks it’s a good idea? Well, they are exceptionally dense and flammable!

Think of magnesium and water.”

The Professor inhaled and continued,

“Remember those old westerns you watched as kid? There was always some cowboy blowing something up with nitroglycerine? That’s the sort of risk we’re looking at.

If you do accidentally mix a fact with a Brexiter, and actually get them to mix, not just slide off one another, for the love of God stand well back.

Do not light fuse. Do not shake or agitate further.

Bang!

You got it?

Wait until our institute works out how to do it without an explosive reaction. Or maybe it’s not the work for us? Maybe it’s a medical science thing. But we’re going to have a go first because we like things that go…

BANG!”

The statement ended with a warning not to try this at home, but seriously, how will science advance if we don’t?

Light fuse and stand well back!

One unexpected implication of Brexit is the redundancy of the post of Foreign Secretary. After April 2019, the UK’s borders will be sealed off permanently, rendering contact with the outside world unnecessary. The Foreign Office will close, and the post of Foreign Secretary will be renamed No Foreigners Secretary.

The responsibilities of the postholder will largely comprise of ensuring that the British border is watertight. The No Foreigners Secretary will be in charge of beating the bounds. The PM, whoever it may be, will therefore seek to employ a complete Bounder.

The present incumbent, Boris Johnson, had a crisis of confidence. “What a consternopoly!” he exclaimed. “What a frogwaffling nuisance!” He immediately decided to campaign against Brexit, to keep his job. That is, until he realised that, after April 2019, a complete bounder was required.

“I’m a complete bounder!” he cried, flip-flop-flapdoodling. “And a cad, and a multifantanimous rotter. I’m the man for the job!” Fierce competition is expected from unelected bureaucrat Nigel Farage.

Boris has already started building Britain’s boundary wall. Since supplies of Lego have been banned under the terms of the upcoming Always Buy British Bill, he is constructing it out of stickle bricks.

British seaside holidaymakers will be recruited to help out. They will be instructed to build a wall out of sand using their buckets and spades. The work will only be carried out on sunny days. Because Brexit means that the sun will now shine all day, every day, the work will be finished in no time.

All this will clearly prevent Johnny Foreigner from invading ever again. Britain may seem vulnerable to attacks from above, but this is under control, too. Copious amounts of hot air are already being generated by conceited Brexiters, and the updraught produced is sufficient to repel all aircraft.

So there you have it. Global Warming is caused by Global Britain. You heard it here first.