Category: Brexit

‘What happens in Chequers stays in Chequers’ Boris Johnson is to remind the Conservative party cabinet ahead of the coming weekend away at Chequers.

LCD Views spoke to little seen cabinet member Philip Hammond about expectations ahead of the weekend away at the country pile.

“It’s great,” Mr Hammond said, “Do you know how long it is since I’ve seen daylight? Have I got a beard? I haven’t seen my reflection since late 2017.

And they broke my calculator months ago. Then they found my abacus and smashed that too. ”

Mr Hammond rambled on for some time, explaining how he’s been doing longhand sums with a hidden marker on his thigh.

“But it’s so hot down in the ‘hole’ with all the heating pipes running through. I perspire.

None of my sums stay legible after my hourly lecture from Redwood.

He threatens to beat me with an old phonebook. He says sorry and pretends to swing it. I just put my hands over my head and plan what I’ll do when I escape.

George Osborne got a note to me in my gruel last week telling me he will help me ‘chop them all up and put them in his freezer’. That’s pretty sweet of him considering I got his old job.”

Apparently Mr Hammond’s chief error though is putting minuses in front of Brexit forecasts. But he says he can’t help it. It’s how the sums come out.

“You don’t think Boris will organise a tiger in a bath tub do you? I reckon he could sneak one in to Chequers if he wanted. He’s such a big kid.”

We can’t say. We recommend you worry about getting out of Chequers in one piece.

“I don’t know why we aren’t flying to Amsterdam or Bangkok. That’s the best place to go to get your rocks off, just ask Boris.

Apparently he mentioned it as a joke when giving a big speech about the future of the UK and Brexit.

But it’s deadly serious. British men have to have cheap airfares to cheap sex after Brexit or we’re doomed as a trading nation.”

But what’s the most important thing to remember about the coming bash?

“What happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers,” Mr Hammond nods vigorously,

“Especially if we answer any Brexit related questions. No one is allowed to find out.”

We’re just happy they’re letting him out to play for a day, it’s almost like the country doesn’t have a chancellor anymore, which is a little odd.

“Why aren’t we flying to Vegas for the team building exercise if airfares are still so cheap?”

I’d just worry about keeping out of the cellar Phil because what happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers.

There’s encouraging news today that a man is almost finished putting a cart before a horse.

”I just need a little bit longer,” the man reveals, “I haven’t quite got the cart where I want it, but if I keep my shoulder to the wheel I believe I will get up sufficient momentum.”

The cart itself is a classic design, being made of wood felled with a worker’s hands and polished by a social media savvy collection of ageing revolutionaries.

They have successfully tapped into the justified anger caused by years of austerity following a banking crisis where all the crooks got away with it.

But they show little ability to convert this power into humane governance before their opportunity evaporates. We shall know soon.

But let’s be clear, this is not because they’re a gaggle of trots more concerned with sectarian infighting than overturning a vicious neocon, inherently racist government, that any sane evaluation of says, forget Lexit, use Brexit and get this shower out before they kill people.

The man with the cart is facing increasing criticism of this kind from class traitors.

“He would do better to just walk the horse around the cart and strap it to the front and get going,” comments a chap who may get trolled for days as a result of this article and will certainty lose some twitter followers.

”To achieve true change takes time.” the man and his committed supporters retort,

“we need the financial crisis Donald Trump will cause once he achieves his aim of stacking the fed with floosies who will artificially devalue the dollar to start a currency and trade war with China.

That calamity and its global implications, combined with the catastrophic result of the ruling Tories hard Brexit, will hopefully lead to mass defaults on mortgages and create the conditions for overturning of the apple cart that will lead to some bruised apples, but make me king.

You know the old saying, you can’t make apple crumble without both the poor and the well intentioned, but misguided, comfortable middle classes all eating out of burning bins.”

We asked the horse for comment and he replied,

”My name is Brexit. I am a gift horse. If this man doesn’t stop looking in my mouth I’m going to run away across the fields leaving him to drag his friggin’ cart on his own. Try building a movement then.”

For our part we would like to remind everyone,

True democratic power derives from  a vote by the masses electing a representative parliament and not from some farcical aquatic ceremony involving a big red bus.

Boris Johnson’s keynote Brexit speech came with an unexpected twist. He concluded by leading a singalong of Sinead O’Connor’s most famous hit.

Rumours that he had shaved his head especially for the occasion unfortunately proved to be unfounded.

The bittersweet breakup anthem struck a chord with the faithful. It may seem odd that this speech came on the one day of the year dedicated to telling that special someone that you love them. But that’s Brexit, as ever a desperate hash of contradictions.

“Since EU’ve been gone I can do whatever I want!” crooned Boris as the slogan Take Back Control flashed up on the big screen.

“I went to the people and guess what they told me, guess what they told me?” sang Boris, before improvising, “They said, boy you Brexit at a run, no matter what the EU do”.

The audience was hurriedly googling the original lyrics to keep up with Boris.

“I know that living with EU was always hard, so I’m willing to say goodbye!” he carolled, hitting the top notes with ease. “All together now…”

“Coz nothing compares, nothing compares to EU!” chorused the audience.

“Well, that went with a good fibblefabble,” admitted Boris afterwards. “You know when you get to the end of the road with a lover and you just have to end it? Regrets, yes, but you just have to get over it and move on. The Road to Brexit opens up!”

Who’s the new love then, we asked. “We’re going it alone!” he exclaimed. “Brexit means Global Britain means a microwave meal for one and a quick hand shandy in front of Newsnight. Red, white and blue, old chap, red, white and blue!”

And with that liberal, literal interpretation he was gone. We await Theresa May’s versions of Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves and There Must Be Article 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover.

Premier league champions Brexit United are still leading despite playing poorly and claim they can hold on to take the crown no matter what challenge they face.

Their nearest rivals, Remain Rovers, have put in some strong performances, but, despite being presented with open goal after open goal, keep failing to score.

But it is United who continue to make the running.

Manager T. May is unable to explain the continued success.

“I am reluctant to change a winning team,” said May. “Even though performances have not been up to the standard I would expect. Somehow, although we can’t score for toffee, or even fudge, our opponents keep scoring own goals.”

The media billionaires who provide the finance are currently satisfied.

“So long as we stay on top of the league we don’t care what we play like,” claimed chairman R. Murdoch. “But if it all goes pear-shaped then we have Jacob Rees-Mogg lined up to take over as manager.”

Midfield general Jeremy C. Hunt expressed the fear that players would be dropped if they played badly.

“I was going to be dropped, but managed to make the boss realise that I was an essential part of the team,” said Hunt. “Players simply need to let the boss know who’s boss.”

Football pundit Larry Gineker gave his analysis.

“Disunited is a better name for the champions,” he said on Botch of the Day.

“Their Irish players in particular need to start playing for the team. However it is almost as if their opponents are deliberately helping them to win. We must hope that May injects some passion in the second half of the season. Would you like some crisps?”

Jermaine Jackson looked at Remain Rovers’ chances. “They simply need to expose Brexit as frauds,” he said. “It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.”

Meanwhile some fans are deserting both teams in disgust. Brexit United’s media people deny occasional claims that a small, but vocal block of their supporters have switched allegiance.

A cup tie on May 3rd may make things clearer.

”I have teeth to pull,” said one irritated fan. “My drying paint won’t watch itself,” claimed another.

Unfortunately, all the diehards can do now is to shout from the sidelines and wait for the red cards.

The UK’s roads experts issued the warning earlier this week. The government, whose track record on experts is well known, is set to dismiss the advice because they don’t like it.

The road to Brexit has not been easy. Somehow, despite diversions, u-turns and nasty EU police, the journey continues.

At the wheel of the big red bus, Theresa May. With her feet decisively pressed on all the pedals at once. Next to her, guiding her progress, is Boris Johnson with a road map dating from the 1930s. The road to Brexit isn’t marked but he urges May on regardless.

The remaining seats are filled with leavers pulling levers. May may be at the controls for now but the back-seat drivers are driving us backwards.

Bad intentions are littered liberally across the path. Hazards like Tax The Poor, Privatise The NHS and The Irish Border obstruct progress along the road to Brexit. May asks David Davis how to avoid them, but he is asleep in a teapot in Wonderland.

The AA advises all who journey in this treacherous landscape to find an alternative route. “These blockages will not sort themselves out,” says mouthpiece Robyn Reliant.”Skilled craftsmen have been working on then for a long time now. Unfortunately they have been replaced by numpties who want to bash a square peg into a round hole and fill the gaps with fudge. Even in the short term they are making the problems worse.”

One or two passengers have dared to suggest that the PM doesn’t know where she is going. They speculate that the big red Brexit bus is heading over the edge of a cliff. These traitors have been chucked off the bus and their tickets for the gravy train confiscated.

Long delays are forecast for the foreseeable future. Meanwhile Boris has found another map, on which Brexit is located next to Narnia.

The closure of London City airport due to the discovery of an unexploded WW2 bomb has left a rising star of the public service fuming after his flight was grounded.

“It’s not like the bloody device is liable to go off before my flight leaves the ground,” Liam Fox fumed,

“I’m going to miss my 10,000 air miles for today because of this over reaction on the part of the Mayor of London.

Why didn’t they get the RAF to handle this? Royal Navy bomb disposal squad? As if they’ll understand the importance of what I do by flying around the world in business class for Britain day in, day out, presenting our offer to asset strip the whole U.K. show after Brexit.”

The device, believed to have been lurking in George V dock since WW2 just to upset a serious businessman like Mr Fox, was discovered yesterday morning after the ground was disturbed to begin the foundations for a new gigantic air freight customs warehouse.

“It would be much easier if they removed the device on WTO terms,” Mr Fox continued, “No one would object to that. Most of the world removes unexploded ordinance that way.”

Mr Fox was given support by other public servants, most notably IDS who was wheeled out of the fridge he’s kept in at the BBC radio4 Today programme studio to comment.

“This is a classic underhand move from people opposed to Brexit who refuse to recognise the overwhelming mandate for change delivered by the British people in 1975,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome burst crackling into life.

He was momentarily turned to quiet mode until he was reprogrammed to respond to the closure of the airport.

“Mr Fox is a cheerleader for the future of Britain,” IDS tried again, “proving decisively that British air miles for British officials paid for by the European Union will make Britain great again.”

Luckily for Mr Fox, both the Guinness Book of Records (air travel section) and the various tyrants he spends his time expressing “shared values” with are willing to wait while he takes a limo over to Gatwick.

There he will catch a special government chartered flight that will circle over England until the Secretary of State for International Trade has achieved his daily 10,000 air miles target.

“This is what the British people can achieve by uniting behind Brexit,” IDS added, as he was wheeled back towards the fridge,

“Did you know Liam Fox had flown business class further than the moon by April 2017?

God only knows how far he has travelled now in business class for no discernible benefit but the eating of canapés in foreign climes.”

We’re currwntly looking behind curtains so Adam Werrity can comment too.

LCD Views can report wonderful news from the world of science with the revelation that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is a descendent of the famous French-English King, and sovereign of England in the 12th century, Richard the Lionheart.

“I’m thrilled,” Mr Corbyn is expected to say when he addresses the matter later on Twitter,

“It gives me something big to talk about that isn’t Brex…I mean, it’s a bit of an ironic twist.

If anyone, you would have thought I’d be descended from Wat Tyler, but then he fought for freedom of movement, so maybe not the best link after all, given I am now apparently against it. Am I against it? What’s our position on things today? What’s Keir said?”

The surprising bit of DNA work came about after Mr Corbyn’s copy of the Virgin Rail timetable was found in a recycling bin and taken away for analysis.

We spoke to Professor Anythin Butt from the Institute of Famous DNA to hear more.

“Well, the lads and I had a few too many whiskies a few weeks back and we thought, wouldn’t it be funny to break into the crypt of Richard I and get us a bit of bone. The idea came about because of that amusing Boris Swiss mummy story.”

It seems they were so tickled by the idea they immediately put momentum behind it and drove to Anjou, France, that night.

“Stage One took a fair bit of guts. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven the last Leyland on the roads down to Dover and stolen a boat? While completely smashed, and then evaded the UK’s last remaining coastguard boat to cross the channel under the cover of darkness? I have!”

It seems they had several contemporary samples which they attempted to match the famous monarch to, but it was JC who won.

“It really makes perfect sense,” Prof Butt said, “now we know why he’s always off on some crusade and not fighting against the one thing that is the greatest current threat to workers, and their livelihoods in UK today.

You know, the Tories political project that is going to make renationalising anything but spit impossible to achieve, because of the chronic economic hardship that will result? But let’s talk about other things.”

He touched the side of his nose then and whispered ‘long game’.

The news is not expected to bring any great comfort to the millions of people though, who are expected to lose their jobs once the Tories succeed in crashing the UK out of both the SM and CU, as is their likely design, while Labour stands by whipping its MP’s in support every time it matters.

But of course no one at all except class traitor yellow Tories will blame Labour when the entire country just suddenly falls off a cliff into civil disorder and asset stripping glory.

Imagine being pretty left wing and aligning yourself with Jacob Rees-mogg and Nigel Farage and Rupert Murdoch on a political agenda that is just steeped in racism and threats to people’s rights? Mad hey! What times we live in.

“It’s just genetic when it comes to JC’s stance on Brexit,” the professor winked, “Nature v nurture. It seems nurture has won out on this one.”

Next he tried to take a hair sample and we left.

Downing Street has hit back against growing claims they are deliberately running down the clock on the negotiations with the EU, claiming instead it’s just a shambles.

LCD Views is an inherently suspicious global media organisation, so we tracked the Secretary of State for Exiting the EU & Reality down within the crumbling walls of Westminster.

We had some trouble doing it.

It took most of the day.

We eventually found him at the Commons bar, where he does most of his preparation for the negotiations.

“We really are doing our best,” D Davis MP (somehow) hit back, “straining every sinew, bursting every vessel. A football match isn’t over if you’re six nil down and there’s still extra time on the clock!”

We’re convinced!

But we fear the growing number of voices on social media that are asking the unreasonable question, ‘Is this administration just a total shower, or are they intentionally making a hash of the Brexit negotiations?’, will only continue to grow in volume.

It’s possible the May government is just running a smoke and mirror show to keep everyone distracted before the UK tumbles over the much mentioned cliff.

Comfortable in the security the malfunctioning BBC and the majority of the MSM, who either want the Brexit project to succeed, in a hard way, or are just too inept these days to find out what is really going on, will allow them to get away with it.

“I would point a finger at the 24 hour news cycle,” an intern in our ‘Brexit  ONLY Brexit’ department said, “for the failure for everyone but Channel 4 to interrogate.”

Brexit ONLY Brexit is a large department. We’re always taking on staff. Two new ones for every one we lose to despair.

“The media thinks they have to pump new stories into us like some sort of viagra charged home movie specialist.

They have lost sight of the fact that a lot of the population will actually stop and digest information if it’s presented without clear bias and substantiated. Enough to make a difference at the ballot box.”

So much for him! We can’t see him lasting long.

We’ll take the government line. It’s just a shambles.

But we request people start asking the question,

‘Is the May government intentionally making a hash of negotiations in order to crash out of the EU, and fulfil the wet dreams of the Brexit disaster capitalists? Or are they just staggeringly useless?’

We request people please start asking that online, before we’re out of time.

LCD Views spoke to a diehard Brexit supporter today to hear why he’s still steadfast in support of Brexit in spite of all the alarming economic forecasts leaking out of the government.

“Because I’m a racist,” Mr Figel Narage told LCD Views, “you can have all the economic forecasts you like sunshine, you can attempt to get me to pay attention long enough to even understand them, but it won’t change my support for Brexit. How else are we going to kick all the bloody forinners out?”

Quite.

“I mean, you got people coming over here and working in our fields for low wage, seasonal work, that could just as easily be done by our ageing population, until the robots can do it all, or the teenagers that could otherwise be getting up to their eyeballs in a mountain of debt just to work some stupid digital economy job of yesteryear.

Why not have them do it?

The care work in a sector that doesn’t pay sufficiently and is on the verge of collapse because like every bloody thing else the neocon greed is good crowd get their hands on it’s been outsourced to blazes, then margins squeezed by ideological austerity to fill in the holes left by the banks, proper British people should be doing those jobs.”

Clearly.

“And the loss of the financial services? Slowly flowing across the channel? It’s just bits of paper. Who needs the revenue? Not the taxman! He’d just give it to the NHS or something, once public pressure finally causes them to cave in.”

Keep going.

“And anyways, if the NHS is sold off and gone, that’s one less thing for all those young, educated people to come here for. It’s a win win if you ask me. I’ve never seen a doctor in my life and there’s nothing wrong with me.”

You’re amazing.

So none of the doom and gloom, none of the loss of investment, none of the loss of international prestige, none of the long waste to come as we try to re-negotiate over 700 international treaties from the stand point of an economy which has underinvested in its infrastructure, again thanks to the neocons, for decades and is not best placed to compete against the EU, and will be much weaker in new negotiations as a result of all that, none of that can shake your support for Brexit?

“You would have thought Nigel Farage saying Jo Cox being butchered in the street just before the ref in 2016 would have shaken my support, him saying it was “inconvenient” timing. It didn’t.”

So what will shake your support?

“For me, and a core of Brexit supporters like me?”

Yes.

“Nothing. Because we’re racists. Now toddle along with you. I’ve got signs to get down from the loft to do with who’s welcome in the B&B I plan to set up to house english economic refugees from the north once the Japanese car firms make good their threat to bugger off.”

It seems he’s certainly taken his lead from the government’s many xenophobic  utterances since Brexit came to mean Brexit.

Now, if only we had a major party of opposition willing to stand up and be counted?

“I stand to profit more than I thought, after seeing the leaked economic report,” said an emerging market specialist, “In fact, I’m a little shocked, but in the right way.”

The merry comment was made to LCD Views after one of our chief editors was awoken early by the unexpected phone call.

“Who’s calling please?” he grumbled back down the line, “is the coffee on?”

“Just think of all the cash I’ve been stockpiling over the years in USD accounts just waiting for the great Brexit train crash! Panama, Panama, I want to wire money back from Panama!”

“Who is this? Jacob? Daniel? Boris? Nigel? Kate? Jeremy? Is that you? If it’s you Jacob, I’ve told you not to call unless you want to practise latin.”

But the happy caller was not dissuaded.

“Maybe I should put some more in Euros too? What do you think?” he asked.

“You’re the emerging market specialist, you tell me.”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THE NHS IS GOING TO BE AFTER THE NO DEAL CRASH?”

“Please stop shouting, I’m only just waking up.”

The line went dead then.

The call wasn’t recorded. The transcript is missing. But I’ll believe our senior staffer, probably.

Especially with the latest leaked forecasts showing that most of the regions of the United Kingdom are promised various levels of doom under any Brexit scenario.

We spoke to our senior investment guru to ask what he will do in advance of the train running off the tracks?

“Don’t invest in car manufacturing in the UK.

Don’t invest in pharma.

Don’t invest in aerospace.

Don’t invest in higher education, the government doesn’t.

Just don’t invest until the crash and it’s time to bring it all back!

Take your money away like everyone else will.

Money will make money, but only if you take a leaf out of the Brexiter’s playbook and prudenter, placerat and keep it offshore until the prunus falces quondam maturavit.”

Finally, some latin at last.