Category: Brexit

A report released today by the visionary group known as Economists for Brexit advises the U.K. to shoot the bird in its hand and set fire to its bush.

”It’s vitally important the bird is shot while still in the hand, to get maximum benefit from hard Brexit,” Professor Mingeford (rumoured to have purchased his degree online) said, and then shivered.

“After we have shot the bird IN OUR HAND (more shivering) we will stuff its  shattered carcass into the hole we’ve shot through our palm. It will be important to use a large calibre gun, possibly even a small canon.”

The findings are revealed today in their latest report. To write it they got even higher than usual and strapped themselves into a chair, Clockwork Orange style.

”We watched so many tapes of exploding British made munitions I almost overdosed,” Mingeford continues, “and then the music, the music, the beautiful music of starving villagers wailing. Jesus wept. You have to take a hit from this misery bong.”

As to what to do after the United Kingdom has shot the bird in its hand?

”Well, with any luck, if we aim right and no traitor judges, journalists, elected representatives or young people get in the way of the bullet, we will have also shot oursevles clean through the foot.”

This sounds fantastic!

”Then we turn our attention to the bush with two birds in it.”

What do we do then?

”Douse it in gasoline and tory, tory torch it. Stand back laughing, watching our bush burn, get on the highway and head north.”

So this will flush the birds out?

”Who cares? Who really fffing cares? We just want to watch the world burn.”

LCD Views would like to say how thrilled we are that a group known for rubbishing forecasts it doesn’t like has produced a forecast of magic thinking we can all get behind.

”Are the lambs still screaming Clarice?” Mingeford wants to know, “or do we have to get our hands on a nice new flock and get our hands wet?”

A man with his own head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push, at least that’s what we think he said.

“It was a little hard to understand what he was saying,” LCD Views’ rectal-cranial analyst advised, “his statement was muffled. But the gist of it was about making the best of the situation.”

Inquiries into how the man came to find himself in such an unusual position were answered readily by his close family.

“One day, while sitting on a Southern train that was paused for three weeks outside of Clapham Junction station, he picked up a discarded Daily Mail to pass the time,” his wife shrugged, “he read it front to back, somehow, and he was never the same again.”

It’s believed that pivotal moment led to an increasing dislike of the European Union with a vicious fury about freedom for bananas.

“I voted remain in the last vote the United Kingdom will ever take,” his wife continued, “I read and saw all the claims of the Leave chancers and anything I didn’t have the immediate knowledge to reject out of hand as bollocks, I simply googled up and found was bollocks.”

The man himself was not so lucky.

“It’s been very strange to watch and quite sad,” the man’s wife continued, “I remember before the referendum he just wanted sovereignty back, you know, to trade with the world.

That seemed a little odd, given all the non-EU goods he buys, but anyway, the sovereignty one is particularly bizarre. I don’t know how he thinks FTA’s are regulated? I’m starting to think I married an idiot.”

But now that the man has his country back things are getting serious.

“When the crown of his head disappeared up his bum I was just impressed he was still so flexible. But now I can’t understand a damn thing he says, unless he farts at the same time and things, well, open up in a gust. You can catch a few words then.”

It seems the big problem now is getting his shoulders in behind his head.

“I really don’t know how he expects anyone to get behind him and push, I mean, it’s just so icky now.

Between you and me, I’m planning on moving out and not coming back unless he manages to get his head out of his backside.

But I’m a little worried only a surgical intervention will succeed and I can’t see him signing up for that now he’s committed to this. He’s pretty stubborn. He may even be slowly suffocating.”

We asked her to let us know how they get on.

“Oh don’t worry, you can find out, he spends all day on Open Britain, pro EU Libdem and Labour pages and Britain For All ranting about remoaners needing to get behind him and push. You’ll know how he’s getting on.”

Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Cat Hokey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.

LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Cat in her Allfall constituency office to learn more.

INT.          HOKEY’S SURGERY           NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT

A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.

Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.

The woman, known as CAT (SCAT?) to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.

Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.

ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself as she walks.

From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.

CAT ignores ROSIE.

She waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in an ancient, unintelligible language, incanting as she draws her circle.

Rosie Searchlight

“Ms Hokey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Allfall?”

CAT glances rapidly over her shoulder.

Cat

“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”

Rosie Searchlight

What gate needs keeping?

Cat

“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”

Rosie Searchlight

“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”

CAT begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.

Cat

“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards CAT. She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.

Rosie Searchlight

“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”

ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.

She continues towards CAT who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.

Cat

“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”

ROSIE is undaunted. She steps in closer.

She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.

END SCENE

 

LCD Views can report that a long running study into the correlation between Brexit and liberal attitudes has concluded the only thing Brexiters are liberal with is the truth.

“We’ve copped a lot of flack for using sparse public resources on this study,” Professor Dingleberry, lead researcher said, “but until we completed our study it was just a hypothesis. Now it’s a theory, in the scientific meaning of the word.”

The study, which began in early 2016 (about the time David Cameron started daydreaming while watching repeats of “Minder”, imagining what kind of shed he would like to spend his time in) concluded today after the third ‘Road to Ruin’ speech by a minister from May’s government.

(It should be noted that the writing of this report paused for over ten minutes to allow the reporter to stop laughing at the phrase ‘May’s government’)

“David Davis provided the final spec of evidence required to finish our study,” Professor Dingleberry continued, “when he said that Brexit won’t change the nature of the United Kingdom, boy, there wasn’t a dry seat in our laboratory. Everyone just pissed themselves laughing.”

It seems, although searching exhaustively, the researchers were not able to identify a single moment when a Brexit proponent, MP or voter, actually told something truthful.

“They are very liberal in a sense,” the professor goes on,

“but only in the sense that they lie their asses off constantly.

Their plans for post Brexit Britain, best as we can understand them right now in the split second after the pin has been pulled from the grenade, best equate to drowning in a torrent of lies so thick and sludgy only the infirm or insane will stay on this island nation.”

The professor did offer some hope though for people wanting the hard right coup of our democracy to fall on its arse sometime this year.

“They aren’t even correct in saying the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union,” he adds, “it’s highly probable that over the coming months, as more and more people understand the road to Brexit is a road to ruin, public opinion will force a rethink.”

LCD Views encourages people to take up the results of the study. Recognise that allowing parliament to tear up so many rights won by citizens over so many years of struggle, is the least liberal path open to the United Kingdom possible.

Famous British actor Keanu Reeves is rumoured to have pulled out of filming Speed 3: Hard Brexit “The hostage who refuses to negotiate”, citing lack of an agreed script and not wanting to star in a farce.

LCD Views’ ‘democracy is entertainment’ correspondent spoke to Mr Reeves’ agent to learn more about his reasons.

”Canoe doesn’t want to do a period drama where you have to improvise your lines darlinnnnnnng,” Chevy Chase said.

”When he agreed to reprise his role as tough hostage negotiator Jack Kerouac alongside Anna Soubry, he was told the screenplay was so tight you could drink it neat.

He wasn’t told he would be playing an abstract concept called the Single Market.”

But if onset rumours are accurate there is still daily improvisation of the script and constant writing of new lines.

”It’s a very confused plot too,” Chevy went on, “Kanu is supposed to be negotiating the release of nearly 70M people from the grips of an evil mastermind, someone guy called Barnier, but he doesn’t have a cat and the mastermind is okay with everyone going because he’ll eventually get all their wealth afterwards.

But the leader of the hostages is demanding the super villain keeps them for longer because they don’t know what they’ll do when they get out. It’s a bit silly.

He says his character has always been a straight role, but Speed 3 : Hard Brexit is a farce.

I don’t really want him wasting his time for only £200M a week when I’ve got him the role of a space sloth toy figurine in the next Star Wars.”

In spite of the abrupt withdrawal of the star,  the production is expected to just keep filming.

”Its a massive tax scam, that’s what I think,” Chevy opined, “I cant see why else you’d be sinking billions into a movie with no script, a clueless director and a story line that sucks the reason for being alive out of over half its audeince.”

If they do get Hard Brexit in the can it’s expected to be released by March 2019, but it’s just as likely the film’s backers will decide to flush it.

A severe weather warning about the inherent danger of Jacob Rees-fog has been issued for Somerset and parts of central London.

”It’s a type of poison fog,” Fichael Mish, meteorologist with the University of Democratic weather, told LCD Views.

”We believe it results from voting patterns in North East Somerset in recent years, but it has spread about the English countryside since 2016 and now is liable to cloud vision in any area of the country, but most notably in Westminster and anywhere the future of the U.K. is being discussed.”

The fog appears to rise and sink away intermittently.

”It’s normally accompanied by some half baked conspiracy to malign a democratic institution like the civil service or judiciary, which backfires, and then the fog dissipates for a period while the underlying causes draws in energy from the macro weather systems. It’s especially dangerous if you’re navigating across the English Channel.”

It’s warned that attempting to navigate in an episode of Jacob Rees-fog is potentially hazardous to your mind.

”The safest form of travel, if you find yourself in the fog, is anything popular before the invention of the internal combustion engine, coach, horse and cart.

But not hot air balloon as that’s a French thing and Rees-fog seems to attack the material made to use lighter than air machines. It seems to get almost malignant if you try and rise above it. It wants you below.”

Yes, what about those silly people who believe it has a supernatural cause and not a natural one?

”You’re talking about the new measures being introduced by the EU in 2019 to clamp down on tax avoidance as a result of the revelations in the Paradise and Panama Papers?”

Yes. It seems the fog is related to Brexit weather patterns? According to some experts.

”Total rot.

How could the neocon ideological drive to undermine the ability to clamp down on massive tax evasion by withdrawing England (no one is thinking about the rest of the nations of course) from the scrutiny inherent in treaties and union involving twenty seven other democracies have anything to do with an “emerging market” capitalist shrouding the land in olde world styled, vision obscuring fog?” 

LCD Views interviewed shadow minister for fence sitting, C Ynical, earlier today and he revealed that for the official opposition achieving Lexit is more important than the NHS.

“No one will suffer once we have a government led by a man whose initials are the same as a famous religious figure,

“Although that in no way explains the sometimes kipper like love of denigration of opponents found in the social media posts of his worshippers. I mean, um, the membership of the party that belong to a militant, sectarian movement that has currently seized surface control of the party.”

They’re building a movement. Be patient. What’s the NHS or universal credit or looking like absolute asshats internationally compared to that?

“Lexit has been our long held goal since the 1970’s. You know the 1970’s? We had blue passports then. Blue passports will be the first tangible success of Lexit.”

When questioned if the official opposition shouldn’t oppose Brexit in order to tear a pack of reckless, greed driven, right wing idiots out of Downing Street, and by doing so, save the economy of tomorrow and the NHS, which media reports state is now so under resourced people are dying prematurely in corridors, the spokesman was adamant.

“Lexit is way more important. Jesus Christ comrade! You’re in danger of being first to the re-education camps with questions like that. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a class traitor Blairite. And we all know there is nothing, nothing worse than that.”

So it looks like the future for the NHS is pretty dicey.

The party that is busily running it down and privatising it is safe in government because the party that could tear them down wants them there to achieve Lexit.

Who’s to blame? Must be the ones stuck in the middle. Yeah. That’s who.

The problem of the nature of the Northern Irish border with the Republic could be the rock on which Brexit founders. Until now. The solution is so simple and obvious a child could have thought of it. Everyone will simply do the hokey cokey.

“In? Out? Shake it all about!” exclaimed ‘Brexpert’ Abby Surdity. “It’s both and neither. The hokey cokey captures the paradox perfectly. Plus it sounds like something Boris Johnson would say.”

A hard border and frictionless trade? No longer a problem. You just put your left leg in, then put your left leg out again. Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Sorted.

Surdity goes on to reveal the source of the idea. “It was David Davis’s great-niece, Celia Deal. She’s only six, bless her.”

The Irish are delighted. “This is a solution we can all agree upon, to be sure,” said Republican spokesmick Paddy O’Fepicproportions. “Hokey cokey means a nod and a wink, turning a blind eye, and Guinness all round. Winner!”

Ulster is pleased, too. “First there is a border, then there is no border, then there is,” sang spokespaddy Donna Vann. “Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Everybody’s happy!”

“A nonsense rhyme is the perfect solution,” confirms Surdity. “A nonsense rhyme for a nonsense problem caused by a nonsense policy.”

Just as a Brexpert is a nonsense term for a nonsense position.

“The border is solid when we say so, and nonexistent at need,” claimed an unusually lucid mouthpiece for the DExEU. “Hokey means hokey, and red, white & blue means black & white. Our job is to shake it all about.”

So next time you see Irish people doing cross border trade by putting their whole selves in and out, shaking it all about, doing some undefined hand gestures and turning around, they are not auditioning for the Freemasons but simply being British.

That’s what it’s all about.

Brexit Dad Figel Narage celebrated his unlikely success with his closest friends. In keeping with his world of bots, botcoms and botcoins, the party was held online.

Figel’s friends included a number whose profiles were strangely scanty, but whose activity on political sites was strong. Notable was “Alise Feild”, who spends her time posting variations on “we won, get over it, losers” on discussion pages.

“Alise talks a lot of sense,” said Narage, posting another champagne bottle on her wall. “She helped me get where I am today!”

But where is Brexit Dad, exactly?

“There has been a lot of talk about bots recently,” he explained. “Artificial intelligence. Helping to explain the political landscape of Brexit. After all, we are going to build a road across it!”

What has that got to do with you, though?

“I got into bots as soon as Brexit was proposed,” he said. “Met this nice chap called Vladimir, who suggested that I head up the English side of things. So I founded some botcom companies, pressed the big red button and the whole kaboosh went viral.”

We never knew you were so tech-savvy.

“Well, my daughter Figella helped me a bit,” he admitted. “She connected everything up to Facepamphlet, Snapgossip and Twittalk, and showed me how to create a realistic profile. You know, the donkey work. With Vladimir’s basic algorithm, it just took off!”

We assume that you earned money for all this work?

“Oh yes, of course!” he exclaimed. “I barely have enough to get by on as it is. Now I get paid in this new cybercurrency called botcoin. Everybody is into it these days. And it’s completely crash-proof!”

How much botcoin are you earning?

“Loads! In fact, I’m now a botcoin millionaire!” he boasted. “I’m the first ever! Brexit means botcoin!”

We left Figel to his virtual piss-up. Unfortunately for him, they don’t accept payment in botcoin at Sainsbury’s.

British fisheries will thrive again once fish lose freedom of movement after Britain leaves the tyrannical snare of the EU, a report from the think tank ‘Fish are British’ revealed today.

“This is a great finding,” Mr K. Remlin told LCD Views’ oceanographer.

”All our research indicates that fish spend the majority of their time in waters where they feel most akin to the national identity of the sovereign nation which owns the water.

Given that the water can not leave the territory without permission from the elected representatives of the country, well, the fish can’t leave either. Unless the water is ruled from Brussels.”

Although only recently established, ‘Fish are British’ already has a social media army capable of sharing and tweeting thousands of posts a day and can be believed when it claims its funding is completely legitimate.

”We promote British fishing interests with the same dedication and commitment that national hero Nigel Farage has as a member of the EU fish thingy.

And we can tell you that anything you may have read about territorial waters and who fishes where, fish conservation, factory owners moving to EU27 territories and the lack of desirability of each nation unilaterally deciding what to do with a shared resource is just remoaner moaning.

Thus starting a race to catch as much of a finite resource as possible, will definitely lead to a resurgence of fishing that will make the golden era of whaling seem distant.”

So that’s all reassuring.

”When we double down on removing the right of water to move out of our territory without permission, with also taking away the right to freedom of movement of our fish, we can only envisage a thriving fishing industry for post Brexit Britain.

At least until all the fish run out.”

LCD Views promotes the definitely independent research of ‘Fish are British’ and confirm that whatever advice Mr K. Remlin bots tweet 100,000’s of times on the subject is the Brexit catch of the day.