Category: Brexit

LCD Views has been ordered to strap on the face mask, snap the rubber gloves and issue the public service message that the U.K. has been placed in intensive care after contact with a serious toxic substance.

”Scientists at Porton Down are working furiously to determine the exact toxin used,” Dr B Offin informs us, “it’s most likely cooked up from a recipe of Russian Cold War, or close after, origin and is thought to be especially dangerous if inhaled, but less so if rubbed on the skin to avoid getting the hose again.”

Dr B Offin wasn’t able to pinpoint the extent of Kremlin involvement, but suspicions are it’s in there somewhere, and being utilised by homegrown agents of both main political ideologies prevalent currently to further their own ambitions.

”It is inconvenient to have to quarantine the entirety of the United Kingdom. We had hoped just to shove England behind a curtain with a zipper and an armed guard, but it seems the toxin has already been transported across to Northern Ireland.”

But what about a cure? And a defence against further toxic attack?

”If the patient is to recover they will need to stop re-electing proven liars, as that’s the main source of toxic shock and the bigger the dose the bigger the damage.”

What about politicians that promise popular policies, like unicorns for all?

”You’re not paying attention. See above. Such types only faciliatate the damage after the major shock from another source. Truth must return and devotion to it and sanction for deliberate dissembling. It’s like sunlight killing germs, truth, we should try it. Can probably unplug the respirator and stand tall again if we do.”

Any other measures?

”Stop buying, sharing and in anyway interacting with The Daily Mail, Sun, Express and Telegraph,” Dr B Offin advises, “as they weaken your immune system and make you susceptible to the toxin in the first place. It would be bloody helpful if the BBC could stop interviewing liars too.”

Now there’s a further thought.

Jacob Rees-mogg’s new LBC radio show is to feature family planning advice as a regular feature, the broadcaster has advised.

”Mostly he’ll be exhorting people to throw away their condoms, flush their pills, burn their coils and just breed,” programme producer K Hopkins told LCD Views, “as baby Jesus demands. You want baby Jesus to be happy, don’t you?”

Yes. Of course.

”There will also be a name choosing ceremony each week live on air, targeted at people who are stuck for what to name their sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth children,” Hopkins added,

“although participants will feature only after proving they inherited sufficient wealth to afford to have so many children. Octuvulist is a nice name, don’t you think?”

Of course. We adore the classics. It’s sets one’s issues apart from the great unwashed.

We hear he will also feature environmental issues?

“Of course. He will be promoting fracking under your home. This is so Global Britain has enough energy to go to war against the EU.

And every week he will remind women they will burn in Hell if they have an abortion. Baby Jesus wants that too, regardless of the circumstances.”

What about a cooking segment?

”It won’t feature too many recipes per se,” K says, “it’ll mostly be a diatribe about how if your children can’t afford a school meal then they should starve, as Jacob’s voting record demonstrates.”

Well, we’re very excited. But why Jacob and why now?

”Sooner or later Farage is going to do a Hopkins,” K says, “and he’ll be pushed out the door. So we need to get our next right wing bullshit artist in full flow in advance of Farage demanding people goosestep for Brexit. Oh, and it doesn’t matter how much he’ll lie and dissemble, the ratings will be ace.”

Well, that’s all that matters.

”You wait until he does his Lord Haw-Haw impersonation, it’s almost as if the man is there himself. He’ll also be giving great tax advice. Just like you’d expect from a patriot. Tune in, drop out, of democracy.”

The year is 2045. Germany is the thriving heart of Europe, and whoever it was who said that they have no sense of humour has been proven well and truly wrong, for last night on the publicly funded GBC (German Broadcasting Corporation) Germany was treated to a new series of its favourite sitcom.

Set in a hotel, it’s called Fehl Turmen, which translates into English as literally “faulty towers”, and is so-named in tribute to an English sitcom from seventy years ago with a name that sounded like that.

The hotel owner, Basil Fehl, and his wife Sybil, had their hands full last night with a consignment of English guests, and Basil is warning all his staff:

“Don’t mention Brexit – I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.”

He was alluding to the moment earlier when he’d done an impression of Nigel Farage, raised an imaginary glass of beer, and said “bloody foreigners”.

Of course, it all gets ugly when a family of English guests are ordering lunch:

MOTHER: I’ll have the gammon.

BASIL: Ah yes, David Cameron, he announced the referendum.

FATHER: And I feel like some fish please, I’ll have the cheesy ray.

BASIL: Ah, Theresa May, what was it she used to say? Oh yes, that’s it, strong and stable!

SON: Can I just have a hot-dog?

BASIL: Oh yes, Jacob Rees-Mogg, he was there too.

DAUGHTER: And I’d like some won-tons please.

BASIL: Oh of course, Boris Johnson, what an imbecile! That silly red bus, hahaha! [Making speech marks] Three hundred and fifty million! And people believed him!

At this point the children are crying.

BASIL: What are they crying about?

FATHER: Will you stop talking about Brexit?

BASIL: You started it!

FATHER: No we did not!

BASIL: Yes you did, you voted leave!

And so it continued until the English guests stormed out. This segment only covered the last ten minutes of the episode, but already it’s all the viewers are talking about.

The show is already being dubbed into French, Spanish, Italian, Greek and every other continental language, it’s being lapped up by audiences all across Europe.

Although how it will go when it gets an English translation is anybody’s guess.

The Will of the People means The Will of the People only when it suits the government. Compare the famous poll to name a polar research vessel. In this case an overwhelming majority voted for Boaty McBoatface.

The boat in question was subsequently named RSS Sir David Attenborough. Despite the clear Will of the People. This is a clear subversion of democracy. We want are Boaty back.

Compare the ‘advisory’ referendum on whether to remain in the EU. The result stands, we respect it, blah blah. Not remotely an overwhelming majority, yet this counts as the Will of the People. The same People who can’t be trusted to name a sodding boat.

This all stems from David Cameron losing a game of chicken. Caving in to the hardline Eurosceptics in his party to (hopefully) shut them up, he called the referendum. Of course, it all went horribly wrong for him, as Leave narrowly won. Even then, he could have interpreted the poll correctly, and say that the public was divided. We could then have had a serious debate on the issue and would have all been spared the pain. Instead he fell on his sword like a coward and went to hide in his shed.

Theresa May is complicit too. Instead of calling a halt, as you might have expected from someone who backed Remain, she called a disastrous general election and thoughtlessly triggered Article 50. Is May another headless chicken?

The wilful misuse of The Will of the People has led directly to the UK becoming the laughing stock of the world. Which other nation would endure Boris Unsackable Casual Racist Goldenballs Johnson as Foreign Secretary? Who else would conceive of Victorian caricature Jacob Rees-Mogg as a serious contender for Conservative party leader?

Our special relationship with the USA is looking like a competition to elect the worst possible people. A race to the bottom. An Arse Race, if you will.

Brexit means Brexit. But No Brexit is better than a Bad Brexit. Thanks, Will.

A new poll of the governing Conservative Party cabinet, which includes the Labour Party leadership, has revealed the U.K. is united and happy to wait until 2022 for the next general election.

”It’s a fantastic result,” Jeremy Corbyn told LCD Views, “I fancy between Boris and myself and our headline ping pong we can keep the Skripal business running till at least 2021.

Presumably some of the benefits of Brexit will be flowing through by then and we can squabble over whether or not the government gets the credit or we do. This will take us into 2022.”

The chief Lexiter wasn’t the only one pleased.

”To be frank, and this may shock your readers, we can’t deliver Brexit and all the tangible benefits of it without the support of our parliamentary colleagues across the floor.

Just think how happy everyone will be having a blue passport, a commemorative third class stamp and soup,” prime minister Arlene Foster said, “oh and compulsory singing of the national anthem before gruel at school in the mornings.”

The results of the poll, due to be covered extensively and uncritically by BBC News twenty four seven for several days, will cheer people who maybe mildly concerned that the United Kingdom’s present leaders aren’t perhaps making the best fist of things.

Ms Foster’s deputy Theresa May, MP for the Walking Dead, was also asked for comment, but unfortunately there was a blue screen behind both her eyes and her mouth was open but nothing of use was coming out.

EXT   WESTMINSTER   MORNING

The Thames is lit like a Turner. The colours of the sun splashed across the rippling water as if the artist himself has painted it. Fiery reds. Warm oranges.

A tall ship struggles against the outgoing tide in front of the Palace of Westminster.

Its sails are ragged. It lists to one side as if taking on water.

Two figures stand at the prow. A man and a woman. The woman has climbed onto the prow as the man holds her around the waist. They are remaking the famous scene from ‘Titanic’.

CLOSE ON

The woman and the man. KATE HOEY and NIGEL FARAGE.

NIGEL FARAGE is smoking. Great clouds of smoke envelope KATE HOEY. She struggles to keep her balance. She struggles to breathe.

KATE HOEY

“Bloody hell Nigel. As if the Brut aftershave you’ve drowned yourself in isn’t enough.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“Christ. Why the hell did you hire a boat without a bar on it?”

KATE HOEY

“Shouldn’t the fish have been here by now? I can’t stand much more of this.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“I’ve told them there’s a fish market at Westminster today. There they are.”

PULL BACK

Look upstream from the tall ship. See the river full of all manner of ageing fishing boats. Regional flags tells us they come from every coastal region of the United Kingdom.

KATE HOEY

“Can we get a move on sinking this gullible lot? I’ve got to attend the inaugural chicken de-cholorination festival in an hour.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“One by one they float down here. One by one I’ll sink them. Fe fi fo fum, I smell the tears of an Englishman.”

One boat moves forward from the rest. We hear its engine struggling as it pulls alongside the tall ship.

A FISHERMAN who looks like a ghost points mutely at the crates of fish on his deck. He’s missing fingers. There’s so many fish.

FISHERMAN

“Ready when you are Mr Farage.”

NIGEL FARAGE begins to laugh. He’s so amused he starts hacking a smoker’s cough. He can barely breathe.

He releases KATE HOEY.

CLOSE ON

KATE HOEY flaps her arms madly. It looks like she’s going to fall into the water.

KATE HOEY

“Nigel you reptilian shit. Catch me.”

Slowly, so slowly, NIGEL FARAGE reaches out through his hacking and gives KATE HOEY a shove.

END SCENE

Michael Gove MP is promising a catch all reprisal today after reports that proper British fish are applying for EU passports in record numbers.

”Entire shoals of herring have gained Austrian citizenship last week alone,” Mr Gove blurted unfathoming, “schools of cod are currently waiting expectantly outside the Cypriot embassy in Mayfair, London. It’s an outrage. I don’t even know if cod can survive in the warmer waters of the Aegean?”

Reports are also filtering up from the deep that loch based salmon are joining the ranks of other fish making a beeline for the Maltese embassy in Balquhidder, Scotland, to apply for citizenship, along with trout and that most British of fish, the long nosed wafflesnozzer.

”Can fish even make a beeline?” Mr Gove demanded, “when I accepted the promotion to my current chairwarming at the Ministry of Pretending Mickey Cares About Green Stuff, I was told all stocks of British fish were potatoes. I mean potatriots. We will be scaling back freedom of movement for fish. If it’s good enough for 65 million British people to lose, it’s good enough for fish.”

While it’s not clear exactly what measures Mr Gove can take to curtail the freedom to roam of that most mobile of shared resources, Mr Gove is promising,

”a sea wall, most likely, starting at John O’Groats and going right around the entire U.K. to Lands End.”

The wall will be “unscaleable” according to Gove and most likely be built just behind the sand dunes, on the land to “stop British fish accessing the sea before they attempt to flee to foreign nets, regardless of where Westminster allocated and or sold fishing quotas to non-British commercial operations.”

Asked for a response to Mr Gove’s proposal a representative of proper British trout responded,

”I go great with chips,” before adding, “we intend to protest any restrictive measures placed on our migratory patterns by hurling Nigel Farage’s German burgundy passport into a google search for five seconds, as that’s about all it takes to debunk any nonsense a Brexiter spouts.”

The United Kingdom is bereft and confused today as the foolproof Brexit Easter Egg kits were withdrawn from sale, after the rabbit included in each kit refused to lay the promised chocolate flavoured sovereignty eggs.

“We were traumatised,” Mr K Ipper of Juniper Lane, Independence Street, told LCD Views, “we bought a kit from a posh man with a suitcase full on the high road after he told us they were certain to lay Easter eggs. Nothing. Just a lot of rabbit poo on the carpet and some chewed furnishings.”

Mr Ipper wasn’t alone in his disappointment. We spoke to our consumer affairs correspondent to learn more.

“Over seventeen million Britons are reported to have purchased a Brexit Easter Egg kit on the promise that the rabbits inside were better than unicorns for this time of year and would lay chocolate, and maybe even gold eggs.

Nothing has been delivered as promised, in spite of reports of the rabbits straining really hard on a diet of complete and pure bullshit.”

What have the rabbits produced then?

“The promise of jam mostly. Which also makes little sense. The rabbits are pretty much a four legged wrecking ball. People who take them into the home report large, gaping holes appearing in the walls and the rabbits still expecting to be let out into the yard whenever they like.”

I presume unsatisfied customers are eating or returning the rabbits before more harm is done?

“Some are. But interestingly a sizeable percentage of the hoodwinked consumers are still watching their rabbit waiting for it to poop out an egg, or curiously blaming people who just went to the supermarket and purchased an actual chocolate Easter egg.

It’s like the people who bought the rabbits haven’t done the most basic of research. But that can’t be right, as that would make them credulous and self defeatingly stubborn by now.”

How are the manufacturers of the Brexit Easter Egg kits planning to compensate unhappy customers?

“They’re calling them traitors.”

That’s a good first step. And after that?

“Oh, they’ll be too busy counting the money they made selling the bogus Easter Egg kits to worry about that. I expect they’ll take a holiday somewhere tropical and come back in a few years time.”`

The new “Brexit Guide to Chess” has been withdrawn from sale after the discovery that every strategy on offer immediately puts a player deploying it into checkmate.

”Let’s get one thing straight first,” author of the guide, Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, “It’s not a book, it’s more a pamphlet, as I don’t know much about chess.”

You’re still an expert though?

”I am if I self-identify as one.”

You self-identify as an expert on a lot of subjects, why not chess?

”My thoughts precisely. You wait until my book on brain surgery during space flight comes out.”

Let’s deal with the chess guide first. What’s gone wrong?

”Total lack of patriotic spirit amongst British youth. This book is aimed at the Tory youth market. Naturally I expected to sell millions of hard copies.”

But isn’t the problem with the book the lack of actual strategies contained?

For example, you’ve replaced the famous ‘four pawns gambit’ with cut out vouchers for prawns from a seafood wholesaler owned by your second cousin.

”Do you have a seafood allergy? What’s the problem?”

It’s not much use in a game of chess.

“It is if I refuse to acknowledge reality and believe it is. Are you a secret remoaner?”

What about the ‘Calabrian Countergambit?’

”What’s that? This isn’t Radio 4, is it? You’re not as sympathetic as you’re supposed to be.”

The ‘Calabrian Countergambit’ is one of the most famous chess strategies! You’ve written the title and then instructed people to buy a horse from your wife’s ex-flatmate’s stable.

”I don’t see what the problem is. You can be an actual knight with a real horse! You can make a serious impression on any game.”

Iain Duncan Smith, you have here on page one that all pawns should be sacrificed at the start of the game. That they should be viewed as the feckless, layabout, curtain twitching undeserving poor who will only be motivated to do a proper day’s work by increasingly arbitrary and soul crushing sanctions.

”It worked for reforming welfare.”

Iain Duncan Smith I put it to to you that you are a leech who survives on patronage and should not be allowed near public policy making.

”Oh my God. You’ve completely nailed John Humphrys back when he gave a shit and wasn’t just phoning it in before lunch with a Tory chum daily.”

Thank you for your time.

”Thank you too,” Iain replied, “Did you like how I replaced the ‘Bird’s Opening’ with a short story I wrote imagining me as a Dambuster? That’s my personal favourite.”

LCD Views has the pleasure to be the first to announce that a well known and highly regarded frog in a boiling pot of water has gone on a UK wide tour.

“We thought it’s best to take the frog on the road now,” specialist animal handler JRM told LCD Views, “as I fancy I’m going to put the lid on the pot any day now. I’ve been trying to train it with gradual increases in heat, but each time I think it’s going to do exactly as I order, well, it tries to jump out of the water. I’m about done with it.”

Still, while the frog remains it will be sure to impress people in all the nations of the optimistically named United Kingdom.

“I have taught it to croak out some lovely phrases,” JRM informs us, “people said you can’t teach a frog to speak, but we’ve proven them wrong. If the flame nudges up in intensity every day, just a little bit, it’s amazing what you can teach a captive, but limited, intellect to say.”

Strong and united is apparently the latest effort.

“It’s hilarious. Sometimes I weep a little with mirth when I consider the accuracy needed to make every statement the frog croaks out immediately self-contradictory. It’s like an attempt to put the fire out in a burning house merely by affirmation.”

But shouldn’t the frog have croaked it by now, given the heat of the water?

“Well, to be honest, I don’t think my little beauty quite understands how hot the water is. Denial is a vital part of the act.”

The tour is expected to be brief, but only because so few people could be pre-arranged to come and smile at what is now just an exercise in cruelty.

“It’s my speciality,” JRM adds, “just imagine me as prime minister one day?”