Category: Brexit

The House of Lords was in danger of becoming fully relevant to life in 21st Century Britain today after getting hold of a big old piece of reality yesterday.

”It’s not on,” a spokesman for the United Kingdom’s robot prime minister told LCD Views,

“we’ve been expending pretty much all the effort and energy, and the limited expertise of the current cabinet, to keep one big smelly dead cat on the table after another so we can fall over a cliff edge.

This is possible if social media keeps obsessing over whether or not Putin is prepared to have Russia become a big sheet of glass over Assad?

Which he’s not.

But the end of the world is so emotional people don’t stop to ask why so many Russian dissidents get killed in the U.K. and what link is there to dirty klepto cash swilling about London.

And now the friggin’ Lords storm in and put something based on reality on it?!”

It’s not helpful of them.

“It’s not! Boris is going to have to say something especially daft today to stop media coverage of the customs union and its importance.”

The frustration felt by the government relating to the vote in the Lords yesterday, in which the government suffered a whopping defeat on its “Economic suicide bill so asset strippers can go apeshit”, otherwise known as the EU Withdrawal Bill, formerly known as the Great Orange Peel Bill, is going to require a response.

Perhaps another capitulation by the Maybot?

Or is the government going to fight back?

”We are. Mostly against ourselves, should the Lords amendment pass through the Commons too.

Jacob is threatening to trigger a leadership contest. May is pretty much begging him to so she can be re-programmed as a hat stand.”

But wasn’t a key claim of the Leave camp is that Brexit will give control back to parliament? The Lords are behaving as they should, some may claim.

“Take back control of shifting U.K. assets and cash to secret overseas havens and dodge taxes! That’s take back control.

Any defeat threatens the major investment of disaster capitalists over years.

We should probably try and starve the Lords out. Lock them in and refuse them food until they submit. Failing that we start tunnelling underneath their walls.”

Aren’t you worried most would just sleep through a seige?

”Bloody Adonis will run about waking people up. This has undermined our negotiating position. We go any deeper into the pothole we’ve been digging on the road to Brexit and we risk vanishing completely out of sight.”

That would be nice.

“Excuse me?”

Here, have my shovel and keep digging.

A new strip club, exclusively for Brexiters, has been set up in a discreet and exclusive location in central London. Named Pick ‘n’ Mix, admission is by bribe only.

Inside, all the usual features are present and correct. A tacky stage, overpriced drinks. Middle aged men, who ought to be spending their time and money on their families. The only thing missing is women young enough to be their daughters taking off their clothes, because Pick ‘n’ Mix is an asset stripping club.

First up on the stage is Health Care. An attractive young woman, immaculately suited, presents the Accountable Care Organisations. “Look at the assets on that!” murmurs one punter to another. “I would, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t kick that out of the boardroom!” his companion replies., digging for his wallet.

Soon, both had left sizeable deposits, with the promise that they could get their filthy paws on more assets after hours in a private room.

LCD spoke to one of the Brexiters, Phil Thilucre, about why he was in the club.

“It’s strictly word-of-mouth,” he disclosed. “Anyone who is anyone in the disaster capitalism business knows about it, though. This is the first time that a formal club has been set up for extreme capitalists like us!”

Why has this happened now?

“Brexit is like a fire sale, but on a massive scale,” explained Thilucre. “The UK is going to crash and burn. The bigger the crash, the cheaper the assets we strip. The UK will be forced to sell its crown jewels. In fact, the Crown Jewels will be up for sale next week.”

What’s in it for you?

“Making money is easy. Buy cheap, sell expensive!” claimed Thilucre. “We are simply giving the market a helping hand.”

This is precisely why rules about insider trading exist, we suggest.

“Brexit is meant to cut through petty rules and restrictions,” Thilucre claimed. “We are taking back control. Hang on, I want to bid for Buckingham Palace.”

Finally. Clarity. Brexit means ditching all the rules designed to protect everybody else from the rapacious desires of the unscrupulous super-rich. Doesn’t that feel good?

Brexit Industries, all of them, are a target once again after their bowling alley caught the eye of the health and safety executive for using local residents as pins.

”It was pretty bad to be honest,” local resident Mr Demo told LCD Views, as we arrived to see the lanes inspected, but still at this moment in use, “people were told it was more fun dodging the bowling balls than it was rolling them.

I wasn’t convinced. I tried to stop people standing in a triangle. Ten at a time, rabbits in the headlights, and here comes the hard, rolling ball…”

It’s believed the lanes were opened after a series of high scoring strikes by a big blonde man featured prominently on television.

”There were other promoters of the lanes. BBC was right behind it even. Health and safety experts did say that standing as still as you can in a group of ten as a fourteen pound ball smashed into you would cause a lot of damage, but another guy said it would make people money, so they did it anyway.”

But who is rolling the balls down the lanes if all the local people are pins?

”All the people who are doing the actual bowling are incredibly wealthy types or bearded revolutionaries.”

Apparently in order to bowl and not be a pin you have to prove you have a certain amount of money in a tax haven, or you have to be an idiot nostalgic for a past that never really existed who couldn’t give a flying sh*t about the needs and dreams of the young.

Or thirdly you have to have missed some revolutionary boat decades ago and see the Brexit bowling alley as a magic portal to catch the boat.

LCD Views commends all innovations in community sports and we are expressly glad the Brexit bowling lanes are bringing the 1% of wealthiest people together to play with everyone else, at their expense.

The revised edition of the David Davis MP actionman doll now comes with a handy “caution : splinters” warning inside the packet.

”It’s to limit the risk of litigation should any potatriots actually attempt to play with David Davis,” Toy Designer R Murdoch told LCD Views.

An earlier release of the award winning actionman toy had to be withdrawn from sale after overstretched a&e departments in strong Leave voting areas became stuffed to the gills with middle aged men sucking their thumbs.

”The two short planks the dolls are manufactured from do splinter easily,” R Murdoch admitted, “although that makes them exceptionlly lifelike.”

The dolls, which come with little potatriotic flags and a keg of beer for Davis to drink, at least have an eye catching recommended retail price.

”An R.R.P. of £350M per week is a recognisable sum that people easily part with,” Murdoch continues, “sofa change for most. We wanted to ensure the Davis toys saturated the market so grown ups eager for independence have something to play with while they wait to get their sovereignty back.”

An alternative design of a house brick was dismissed due to the weight and cost of transport.

”Any shipment of David Davis MP actionman dolls stuck at a border crossing in Northern Ireland would just have chewed through too much petrol as they waited, motor running hard, to clear customs. Even as a preferred or preferential, or whatever lingo we may choose, trader,” Murdoch adds, “plus the added risk of petrol being siphoned out of the waiting trucks for post Brexit cocktails.”

Critics have seized on the dismissal of the brick design though saying “at least then we would have had something to build with.”

Housing minister Dominic Raving was soaking up the plaudits today after pointing out that “Brexit will seamlessly solve the UK’s chronic housing crisis by leading to a boom in youth and job exports to the countries of the EU27”.

“Imagine being that newly retired couple, or widow, widower, or someone on our second, third or fourth marriage, or even a confirmed singleton who doesn’t want to get to grips with Tinder,” Mr Raving went on, “waiting for your only child to come home from Frankfurt, Brussels, Dublin, Paris, Berlin or even Prague, for Christmas and then receiving a text message, after you’ve been waiting to collect them from a regional airport, telling you they’re staying abroad for an orphans’ Christmas with other ex-pats this year?”

The minister went on to explain that this exciting possibility is multiplied by the many millions by Brexit.

”Once your government, with the support of our Lexit colleagues, succeeds in crashing the United Kingdom out of the EU, without a transition actually being agreed due to Ms Foster’s likely insistence on a hard border, then just think of the exciting future for young British graduates following their dream of moving across the English Channel, chasing the job that would otherwise have been closer to home.”

Yes minister, we can visualise it.

”It’s going to make my job much easier,” Dominic continued, “you don’t have to build houses if the young are jumping ship in order to have a bright future.

Anyone who remembers the “£10 poms” of the last great period of British economic hardship can explain the mixture of anxiety and excitement involved in deciding you’d be better off starting out somewhere new.”

And there was another side benefit that Mr Raving believes deserves more attention.

”Fed up with waiting for your children to bring the grandchildren back to Brexitiannia for a visit, you can get on a boat and go and see them,” he added, “as any of the countries they’ve gone to are likely to still have a well funded health service, you can take it for granted you’ll actually get treatment if you fall ill while abroad, albeit with the likely complication of no longer being part of EU wide reciprocal health programmes.”

I feel old just thinking about it. I can’t wait. Brexit will solve the housing crisis by alleviating the need for housing.

”Over time.”

Yes. Over time. Something worth waiting for is often worth waiting for.

”Like a British GP appointment, even before Brexit.”

Quite.

David Davis MP is setting himself up to stun everyone today with an announcement he has solved the Irish Border problem, with the discovery of an already tried and tested seamless border technology.

”All this time we’ve been searching Wikipedia to find a solution to the Irish Border problem, one which doesn’t involve infrastructure at the border and endanger the peace process,” Davis told fellow revellers at the subsidised Commons bar late last night, “and the answer was right there in the pioneering work of Rodenberry and Shatner in the 1960’s.”

It’s believed the solution is a platform from which multiple parties can ‘beam’ to any location on the planet.

”You simply stand on your assigned spot and a technician engages the ‘transporter’ which beams you to a pre-determined location, often without anyone noticing,” Davis enthused, “it’s going to save me time negotiating with Barnier too. Rather than pacing back and forth in a Eurostar train carriage when I now and then decide to make a brief appearance at negotiations, I can just beam right in and out. It will be like I was not really there.”

The only problem now seems to be agreeing a license for the transporters.

”That won’t be difficult, no matter how much it costs, with all the money we’ve already saved just by beginning the Brexit process.”

Final details are yet to be worked out, but Mr Davis envisions a transporter base will be built in time “in Belfast, miles from the border with the Republic. Put another platform in Dublin, say beam me over and hey presto! Conceivably the actual Irish Border can be bristling with customs posts after Brexit and no one will notice.”

Davis adds Theresa May will shortly be seeking approval from her boss Arlene Foster to get the go ahead to spend the money and make it so.

”Just so long as Sinn Fein don’t stick their oar in I can’t see anything but an easy implementation of this imaginative border solution,” Davis said blithely, “lately they’ve been meddling in Irish politics, which is not on, as that’s the job of experts at Downing Street.”

LCD Views is thrilled to announce that the planners of the much anticipated Brexit museum have said it will be just a giant bucket of sand you can stick your whole head into.

”It’s to make visiting the museum a truly interactive experience,” Mr F Acist, organiser, told LCD Views, “just in case anyone does visit and they don’t already have their head firmly wedged in the sand, a bucket of sick or their bum hole.”

Questions have been raised about the proposed entry fee.

”I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” Mr F Acist said, “£200 million for a weekly pass will be chicken feed once inflation post Brexit really kicks in.”

Other exhibits will be the billboard Nigel Farage stood in front of, the quaint one evocative of Nazi propaganda from WW2, that Mr Farage launched the day Jo Cox MP was butchered by a far right terrorist. And which didn’t wake the majority of the voting public up to how horrifying and degraded Brexit is.

A complete list of all the broken promises and lies of the Leave EU campaign.

A detailed examination of the micro targeting of susceptible voters to help rig the referendum result.

The risk to peace in Northern Ireland by the bull in a china shop attitude of the U.K. Brexit MPs and how Star Trek transporter technology is being used as inspiration to solve the border issue.

”Not all of those exhibits are finalised,” Mr F Acist advised, “some are too truthful. But I am pleased to say there will be recordings of Nigel singing Hitler youth songs available on cassette tape in the gift shop. This is so people properly understand what sits inside Brexit.”

Other questions have been asked, such as why the museum will be located on Panama.

”Tax havens are close to the Brexiter’s heart.”

Asked for comment on the Brexit Museum a Labour spokesperson said, “that will at least be one or two jobs created by Brexit, to balance out all the ones lost. This is the will of the people. What do you expect Jezza to do about it? Except stand alongside Boris, May, Davis, Farage, Hoey and the rest of the long list of proven liars?”

Boris Johnson is expected to donate the big red bus to the museum, as the prize exhibit, and to cut the ribbon on the day the museum opens, unless of course, he’s on the run or in jail.

And will there be instructions on how to get the best out of the bucket of sand experience?

”Yes. It’s very Brexit,” Mr F Acist replied, “people will be instructed to put their head in the bucket three times and pull it out twice.”

The Vote Leave crowd were thrown into turmoil last night after it was revealed to them that their adopted term “Brexiteers” is not British in its origins.

This sect of the public have styled themselves thus in the hope of sounding like swashbuckling heroes The Three Musketeers, in complete ignorance of the fact that the book and characters are all French.

Literary historian Ivor Redditt told the assembled press:

“The facts are indisputable and easy to verify. The Three Musketeers was first written by a Frenchman, Alexandre Dumas, in French, in 1844 and serialised in a French newspaper, Le Siecle. It wasn’t until 1846 that the English translation first appeared.”

Passionate EU hater Ray Cyst had this to say when the bombshell hit:

“It’s just not right. We can’t be named after some Frogs! It’s just not on, we’ve got to have a proper British name!”

As indeed they do, as there are several choice words of basic, and equally British, Anglo-Saxon that are very accurate in describing him and his allies.

In any event, the entire crowd agreed with Mr Cyst’s statement, and then spent the next hour trying to come up with a new name. Nothing was forthcoming – not one of the hundreds of people gathered could think of anything.

However, help may be at hand, as Professor Will Nameham, an expert in nomenclature and etymology, has made the following suggestion for their new moniker:

“Perhaps in the future they could call themselves Brexitarian. The name is reminiscent of two other terms, both of which represent groups of people who, like themselves believe that they are doing what they are doing out of a strong sense of principles, the logic of which does not stand up to closer inspection.” I say Brexiteers, you say Brexitarians…

Brexitarians will presumably eat Brexit, or maybe they will just eat their words. Always assuming they have the stomach for it.

Saboteurs and traitors who believe democracy is a process and not an opinion poll were celebrating today with the announcement from government that Brexit has been…

“We wish to make it plain to the reducing number of complete and utter nostalgia deceived lunatics who still support Brexit, oh, and the racists, and the cynical disaster capitalists and the dreamy Lexiters, that we are sorry to say….” Chris Grayling, judged most easily sacrificed after a cabinet poll said, before trailing away.

There was a lengthy pause and Mr Grayling took a gulp of honest oxygen, choked, was revived, propped up and eventually carried on.

”We are sorry to say that the eight thirty five Southern service from Clapham Junction to,” paused again, shuffling of papers, “wrong script. Hang on. That’s my other job. Excuse my aide for their error.”

He stood up. Checked his fly. Called his political agent and asked them to check his latest parliamentary expenses had been processed before sitting down and carrying on with his statement.

”It’s all Jeremy Corbyn and Momentum’s fault. If they hadn’t three line whipped Labour MPs to enable Theresa May to push forward the hard right neocon, tax dodger’s project of Tory Brexit.

Well.

We’re kind of in this big con job together because Milne and Davis are mates. Jesus. Couldn’t we have gotten Patel up for this? Or Greening?”

He checked his fly and then found his courage.

”We’d have been out of government by now if we had an opposition that disagreed with us,” Grayling was clearly off script now, “yes, yes, we’re only here because David Cameron was gutless but I came into politics to enjoy the benefits of the chumocracy, not take real decisions.”

Just finish the statement sacrificial minister.

”Here goes…Brexit has been cancelled because we’ve realised that little understood constitutional law relating to gross incompetence and dereliction of duty means that MP’s future pay will be from the Brexit dividend. And we all know that’s a bloody lie. Can I go now? I’ve got train cancellations to announce?”

The newly established ‘Ministry for Potatriotic Culture’ has informed an eager country that english words starting with eu- are to be re-potatrioted in 2019, to help make England different.

“We will be removing the e from the -eu prefix. It’s part of the Great Leap Forward into the unknown, “Secretary of State for Potatriotism, B Ediot MP, told LCD Views,

“modern english has become littered with aggressive imported words that are driving out the useage of indigineous inglish words. We will put a stop to that. It’s my ministry’s raison d’être, if you will. To raise the cost of Inglish words and make them valuable again.”

It’s believed the minister has identified the prefix -eu for action especially as it’s the gateway to dilution of traditional English words.

”If we can stamp out -eu when we stamp out EU in our lives, we can make a very different england going forward. One that Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will also feel the benefits of, especially if we can encourage them to more readily use proper Einglish too.”

Like in the good old days?

”Yes. Back when we married our cultures together seamlessly by accepting only Ainglish was worth speaking. And english didn’t become the amazingly diverse and popular language it is by cross pollination with our languages. That’s not how it works.

Immigrants have given us nothing of value, that’s a key message in Brexit, which is supported in a very unifying way in parliament. It’s helping make us grate again the world over.

Although it’s important to understand that being envaded by Ingland was always solely beneficial.”

So words like uphemism, uthanasia, urope, ugenics will become the way forward?

”Yes,” B Ediot said, “making a different United Kingdom after making a success of Brexit is the way to make it a utopia.”