Category: Brexit

A man who set his house on fire while having a right on party with his friends is so upset now that his house is burning he is to spend his time now blaming other people he tricked and forced to attend his party, people who said we don’t want to be at your party, please don’t set your house on fire.

“He should not,” one of his friends advises, “call any firefighters to help, because if the house burns long enough, ten years or more, everyone will see he was right to burn it to the ground. It will burn the rights of tens of millions of people with it and a few of us will get richer. It will be worth it. Then he can just build a new house using money tricked out of the poorest.”

But the man himself looks a little uncertain as the fluffs of ash begin falling on his expensive suit.

“I actually expected the firefighters to help me set the house on fire at first,” the man told us, “they all just stood around at the start going ‘mate, don’t do it, don’t pour that petrol on your house and flick a match on it, it’s not going to end well, it’ll burn more than the massive catalogue of rights for non-wealthy citizens that you expect to turn to ash’. Bloody remoaning firefighters, what use are they? Why don’t they get behind me now and help make a success of the fire? This makes it their fault. By the way, I am a narcissistic buffoon who is psychologically incapable of self examination and learning.”

The man made these comments as the thatch on his house, named Little England, caught fire and a spiralling funnel of black and grey smoke drifted up into the clear sky, blocking out the sun.

“You can see France from my house when it isn’t cloudy,” the man commented, “not that anyone wants to see France. Why would you want to see France? Why would anyone young enough want to take advantage of a month of free rail travel to understand that people are just people regardless of whatever borders people impose to separate and divide and…sorry. I need to reset my robot brain. Right. What have they got over there but the cheese they just have to sell to us or their economy will collapse?”

We asked what he intended to do about the growing blaze now he’d finished ranting about France?

“Watch it burn I guess and blame everyone trying to throw buckets of water on it,” he shrugged, “it’s not my fault. Nobody told me fire was flammable. How could I have known? Is ignorance a defence? If it is I’m very well armoured.”

Economic health and safety experts have urged a product recall of Brexit Foods ‘Brexitella’ after everyone eating it except for Jacob Reeks of smogg got the runs.

“Who needs experts,” Mr Reeks of smogg asked rhetorically, while squatting with his trousers around his ankles and a jar of Brexitella in his ancient times medieval minded hands, over a map of the Irish Border, “experts ruin populism. This jar holds the taste of blue passports, in every single jar. Now please fetch my nanny to wipe my bum.”

But in spite of the insistence from the faux statesman that Brexitella is good for you, campaigners for better eating have pointed out the list of ingredients was bound to give everyone the shits.

The ingredient list is substantial.

Broken glass because all the jars are pre-broken before sale. Scat from various murky sources, some of them still to be revealed. It would be nice to know where Arron, take your law and shove it, Banks got his millions from in 2015. An escalating cost, even after you’ve purchased a jar and opened it. The future screaming of frustrated British youth while watching a whole continent of their peers enjoy freedoms a bunch of racist, nostalgia freaks and asset strippers decided to strip off them to make tax havens fatter. Electoral fraud. Foreign interference. Lies. Lies. More lies. A big red bus. Boris Johnson. The end of the manufacturing of any noticeable quantity and everyone on the planet thinking we’re a bunch of pillocks. The creation of extremes in British politics dominated by a faith driven mindset that sees all others as heretics. Continual economic decline. The blame game. The holding to ransom of millions of people who legally moved to the U.K., mistakingly believing the United Kingdom was welcoming them as family. A paralysed government, which may not in some ways be completely bad given the government is currently a bunch of people with Tory mindsets lifted straight out of the later Georgian period, but in the end, will ruin everyone hand in hand with the official opposition, which is completely useless because it wants Brexit too. And a disregard of the rule of law, which underpins prosperity in democracies.

There is more to the list. But you get the flavour of it.

“It’s delicious,” Jacob, the ’emerging markets’ specialist, oozed, “try it on a bendy banana. Maybe on an island jammed full of shell companies. Which sell shells!”

We asked our democratic health expert for their opinion, “Just don’t eat it. Return it. That’s our advice and our advice is good for you. Much better than a jar full of Brexit scat which will just give you the runs, even after you’ve decided not to eat it.”

Meteorologists are dancing in excitement today after a new type of cloud was identified that just rains crap all the time, and to celebrate they named it after Brexit.

“It’s amazing,” LCD Views’ AI weather computer printed on its dot matrix printer, “every new cloud that is found is a sweet child of mine to stand under with my mouth open like a nationalist driven potatriot,

“I don’t care that it’s only raining crap and liquid crap at that. It’s such a large cloud even weather laymen and laywomen will be able to identify it correctly when it starts raining on them, even if they’re laying. This will leave me free to identify the particular rain drops falling from Accumulo Brexit.”

We punched in the following question on the computer’s chunky keys,

Q. The colour of the new cloud will make it easy for everyone to identify?

A. “It’s red, white and blue! Just like most of the flags of most of the countries on earth. Oh and poo, it’s that colour too.”

Q. How is it formed in the atmosphere?

A. “It’s formed from the heavy humidity in the breathing of gammon faced knuckle draggers and racist nostalgia freaks, and inherited privilege that wants more, more and more, oh and the delirious exhalations of ideological daydreamers who think a messiah figure will save them from the devils of their electing, mixing with the updrafts of accumulated tax dodging that rise from so many British overseas territories and other island nations,

“The world is full of these people. It’s amazing the Brexit cloud has taken so long to be formally identified. Although some weather scientists say it was one of the major weather patterns of the 1930’s and early 1940’s.”

Q. But why have they named it after Brexit?

A. “That’s self evident. My printer mechanism will jam if I have to explain it.”

Q. Because Brexit just rains crap all the time over everything it hovers over?

“Thanks for saving me from a jam. Yes. Just be careful if you’re going out if you see Accumulo Brexit overhead. You’ll need an industrial strength umbrella and a shit load of toilet paper. Oh and wellies as the risk of flash flooding from a Brexit downpour is knee high.”

Slogan-writing is bucking the pre-Brexit trade slump. The demand for witty, memorable yet ultimately vacuous soundbites has gone through the roof.

“There have been so many in the last few years!” gushed Ray Diofour to LCD’s Proper Gander correspondent. “Strong & Stable, For the Many not the Few, and the daddy of them all, Brexit means Brexit!”

We asked Diofour why he thought that business was so good.

“Brexit has consumed politics for almost three years now,” he replied. “Nobody understands it. Well, the EU does, but they don’t really count, do they? Our leaders have been too stressed out trying to get their heads around its complexities, so it has created a vacuum so huge it should have ‘Hoover’ printed on it. Into the breach come the slogans, so the politicians can convey the impression of knowing what they are doing.”

Diofour disclosed that his employer, the BBC, was in the process of being formally absorbed into the government, as the Ministry of Information. Meanwhile, it is obliged to repeat these slogans on a loop “to keep morale up”.

The irony is that the most famous of these slogans, Brexit Means Brexit, has the rare distinction of being both a tautology and a contradiction. It is the ultimate self-fulfilling paradox, since Brexit – should it still happen – will certainly not mean Brexit.

Brexit should mean a complete, clean break from the EU. No Customs Union, no Single Market. Unravelling these tangled threads is a long and delicate business, and the current government has neither the skill nor the stomach for it.

So it looks like the remnants of Brexit will merely be a fudge. No sweeteners, a nasty taste in the mouth, and it will leave us all feeling sick.

The time limit placed on the process simply makes it more difficult. The UK will tear itself away from the fabric of Europe, and wonder why it can’t clean up like it used to. It’s a rip-off.

Only the sloganeers are happy. Whether Red, White or Blue, we got our slogans back.

We’ve had enough of slogans. It’s that simple.

A leading official of UKIP has described former leader Nigel Farage as “like the common cold”. This follows in the wake of the party describing itself as being like the Black Death.

The official, Y. Pestis, was being interviewed by Robin Nixon after the local elections debacle. Pestis stated: “Nigel is like the common cold. He is irritating, drains resources, and is difficult to get rid of.” The normally verbose Nixon was lost for words. Social media filled the vacuum, instantly branding Farage ‘The Bogey Man’.

LCD Views asked political commentator Anna Litical for her expert opinion. “Pestis is spot-on, for once,” she confirmed. “The common cold is highly infectious. Coughs and sneezes spread diseases. Nigel Farage went viral.”

Wouldn’t man flu be a better description?

“Not exactly,” Litical retorted. “Man flu is more like the effect that Mr Farage and UKIP have had on the country. You know, exaggerated symptoms. The UK threw a sickie, deciding that a minor nuisance was actually a major problem.”

So man flu, not Black Death, then. Seeking a cure, LCD contacted Westminster doctor Anna Bollix.

“You can only treat the symptoms of the common cold,” stated Dr Bollix. “Two aspirin, a hot drink and an early night, and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, Mr Farage ignored the experts. He decided to get drunk and smoke a lot instead. He hasn’t got any better, and meanwhile he has spread the infection. Stupid boy!”

Are there any alternative treatments?

“You could try steroids,” suggested Dr Bollix. “They help fight infection, and make you feel more, erm, manly in the, erm, manly department. I wouldn’t recommend them to Mr Farage, as he is already a big enough dick.”

How does the infection spread?

“It is spread by the faecal-oral route,” said Dr Bollix. “In other words, by people swallowing bullshit.”

Unfortunately, the infection has developed a resistance to all known remedies, including common sense. Brexit is the norovirus of the body politic, and the UK is the sick man of Europe.

The government was under renewed pressure regarding its preparation for Brexit today after leaked papers revealed opening of Schrodinger’s Brexit box revealed a dead cat inside.

”It was ripe too,” a junior minister at DExEU told LCD Views, “I was personally against opening the box. The mystery was better. We had endless seamless and imaginative possibilities before us just so long as we had no grasp or knowledge of measurable reality.”

But it appears pressure from the Japanese over customs arrangements going forward forced the government’s hand.

”That’s not actually true. They have opened the box once before. David Davis and Theresa May opened the sacred box on Bodmin Moor shortly after establishing DExEU expecting to find essentially a treasure map to trading with the world and cake.”

What did they find instead?

”A very healthy cat with a very unique pattern. Blue fur with gold star patterns sitting on a pile of old newspaper cuttings from the first fifty years of the 20th century. It miaowed at them and rubbed its cheek against the edge of the box, singling a desire for a pat.”

What did they do?

”They were so horrified they closed the box and nailed it shut. I expect the cat suffocated sometime after that.”

But how had the cat survived that long?

”Probably because it hadn’t looked at Theresa May? We’re not sure. That’s a mystery.”

So why open it again now?

”They need answers and powerful ones and they need it fast. But it’s a dead cat in a box on a table now. Day after day. That’s all.”

Maybe they could learn something by studying the old newspapers?

”Now you’re just being silly,” the aide snorted, “not a single Brexiter is capable of learning anything from history.”

LCD Views has the scoop today on great news for proper parliamentary procedure with the revelation that Hillary Benn is to hold all future sessions of the Brexit select committee in the taxpayer subsidised Commons bar.

”It’s to ensure that the Secretary of State for Ruining Britain, David Davis MP (for How?) stays for a proper session in future,” head of the select committee Hillary Benn told us.

”If we time it right for happy hours then David will be certain to turn up early too.”

State subsidised booze has long been recognised as one of the tangible benefits of being a member of Parliament, along with having your home bought for you and chargeable foot massages.

The decision to move the committee venue from One Guesswork Lane, Parliament Square, to the Fudge and Fcuk It, as the Commons bar is called, could herald a rebirth in accountability for the Brexit process.

”Davis tends to spill the beans only after he has a skinful,” Benn continued, “if I adopt the Blackadder approach of only drinking ‘extra strong ale’, or water, then I fancy before he discovers I’m not getting trashed he will let slip one or two things.

Although I suspect he really does know bugger all and is actually about as smart as 500g of mince meat, so maybe we’ll just confirm he’s as thick as two planks instead. As he gives few inklings of understanding anything substantial about the Brexit process.

But that makes sense, to put an energetic and intelligent person in as the symbolic figurehead would be to risk exposing Brexit for the hard right coup that it really is.”

Benn’s strategy is likely to work. It’s believed Davis is only at risk of twigging that Benn isn’t getting hammered with him at any point that Davis has an empty jar and Benn still has what appears to be half a pint of gin.

”I can’t go to the gents the whole time,” Benn advises, “because Davis will go all SAS reservist on me and drink whatever I leave on the table. That’s when he’ll catch me out.”

Asked if he couldn’t just take his pint of extra strong ale to the bathroom with him, Benn said no.

”Davis would follow me. He’ll think we’re moving the committee hearing into the gents so we can talk openly about the women. It won’t fly.”

As to David Davis’ feelings about the move?

”If a committee can’t change its venue to one with a cheap, state subsidised and well stocked bar then it ceases to be any damn use to me. I’m going to get the best deal possible on spirits, ales and lager.”

A vote has taken place on board the USS Enterprise, in which the security department have voted in favour of leaving the ship. The move has already been dubbed “Trexit”.

Lieutenant-Commander Antonio Giotto, head of security on board the ship, made this statement:

“We security guards are sick of dying for no cause just to preserve the lives of so-called ‘more important’ crew members. We’re valuable too, and we have decided we want to explore the galaxy on our own.”

Captain James T. Kirk himself had the following comments to make.

“I think the security department on this ship has a somewhat inflated opinion of itself, but their performance record undermines it. There’s nothing in their service contract that says they are required to die just to protect us. Sure, their job is to protect us, but how can they do that if they’re dead? If they die, it’s from their own incompetence.”

The vote was close, apparently being swung on the accusation that the beliefs of the Vulcan First Officer, Mr Spock, meant that they don’t get a decent burial.

Mr Spock himself has gone on record that he respects human beliefs, and that the attitude of the security department was ‘highly illogical’.

But despite Captain Kirk’s reminding Giotto that he actually has more stripes on his uniform than anyone on the ship except himself and Mr Spock – he even has more than either Chief Medical Officer Dr Leonard McCoy or Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott – the security department voted in favour of leaving the ship by a narrow margin, just 52% in favour, 48% voting to remain on board.

The negotiations are now underway for what the security department is entitled to. Captain Kirk and his senior staff have refused to let them have anything more than a shuttle. Giotto has apparently demanded a pilot for the shuttle, but this has been refused. There is, however, one qualified helmsman among the security staff, Lieutenant Ryan Leslie, who was actually a member of the remain camp.

As for what the security department will do next, they haven’t made anything clear yet. However, it is rumoured that Giotto is going to attempt to strike a trade deal with the Klingons. Trexit means Trexit. To oblivion and beyond! We wish them luck.

The Home Office has released photos of the modified EU27 citizen registration app test device today in order to build confidence in their pioneering system.

“There was all this fuss and bother over the fact the app doesn’t work on apples,” Home Office minister Mrs S Acrifical MP, told LCD Views, “so we made some modifications to the test device and will be running a new battery of tests to prove the system works. We are confident of delivering this system under budget and before the cliff edge Brexit we’re aiming for.”

It seems the phone app was settled on as the best way to deliver the system because that way the Home Office can better track EU citizens movements wherever they are day and night.

“It will make it easier to locate, intern and deport them when they reach retirement age,” the minister added, “which will be more efficient for the private security company awarded the contract to do just that.

We did think about just badging people the traditional way, to show they were now worth less than patriots, but focus group testing was negative.

But as none of us running this Brexit shower have learned anything at all from modern history, we can’t work out why there was so much kick back.”

The proposed system has also come under fire for requiring individuals to pay a fee of £72 and register individually.

“Everyone is against two for one deals suddenly, so we thought it best to make individuals in a family pay separately to register to lose their rights. But you will get a smiley face emoji as a thank you. We’re just settling on the moustache for its face.”

Queries over whether or not it would have been better to just grant citizenship freely to EU27 citizens who came here in a prior atmosphere of trust have been waved away.

“That’s hardly the hostile environment Theresa May is known to love to create,” the minister replied, “don’t be silly. And besides, they’re the only bargaining chips we have.”

A retort that these are human beings, people, friends, spouses, partners and shared humanity and we should be treating them the same as we expect to be treated, and anything less shames the United Kingdom, were dismissed.

“Oh, don’t you worry, once we’ve succeeded in taking away the freedom of movement for UK citizens, and ripped ourselves out of a mass of treaties legally ensuring minimum rights and treatment, you’ll find the treatment rapidly becomes very equal for all.”

Radio shock jock Nigel Farage has announced he is to burn his children’s German passports, in solidarity with the many millions of young people he’s helped to disenfranchise with Brexit.

”Let’s get one thing clear from the outset,” Mr Farage told LCD Views, by way of an interpreter so his hate speech was comprehensible, “I won’t have anyone accusing me of hypocrisy.

It was just an accident, the series of relationships I’ve had with European women resulting in my own progeny having a significant advantage in contrast to the incredible disadvantage I’m working to place millions of pure British born youngsters at relative to their peers a few miles across some water.”

But critics have queried whether or not Mr Farage has the right to reduce the possibilities open to his children in this way?

”My entire career has been about an attempt to reduce people’s rights,” he hit back, “I’m not going to stop now. I want my own children to be equal with all British children after Brexit.”

The ceremony, which will be conducted on a barge on the river Danube, at the point where the Roman Empire built a bridge back in the day, is expected to take place just as soon as Mr Farage has agreed a commercial sponsorship deal with the BBC to ensure full in-depth coverage for a solid week.

”It’s a watertight arrangement,” Mr Farage said, “even if a comet smashes into Dorset the BBC will stay focused on me returning even more sovereignty to hard working British taxpayers by reducing the options and possibilities of my own progeny.”

When questioned about whether or not he would attempt to replace the passports with new ones immediately after, Mr Farage was straightforward.

”There won’t be any need,” he said, “I’ll be burning replica ones for the symbolic value.”

But doesn’t that make a mockery of the entire spectacle?

”Yes and it’s in keeping with the work I’ve done to adjust international perception of our great United Kingdom. If I burnt the real ones it maybe seen as a criminal act. I wouldn’t want to endanger my EU pension now, how would that help anyone?”

Tickets will be available to purchase ahead of the event.

”British youngsters should take the opportunity to purchase tickets and travel to watch me set fire to the symbols of inequality on the Danube ,” Mr Farage urged, “if they don’t they may miss one of their last opportunities to experience freedom of movement on the continent they live on.”