Category: Brexit

“There will be no second referendum as it will be a gross betrayal of the people who bought our democracy,” Prime Minister Theresa May writes in the papers this Sunday, putting to bed once and for all any thoughts of allowing the rabble to vote against food rationing.

“I am strong and stable,” she adds, as if anyone was in any doubt, “so long as I can stay away from hill walking for the next few weeks there will be no vote allowed on medicine stockpiling, particularly not by diabetics.”

The reassurances were timely, as certain unpotatriotic elements within the U.K. have been suggesting that perhaps the people should be allowed to reconsider, now the ramifications of the corrupted opinion poll held one day in 2016 are better known.

”The people voted to create the conditions to restart the troubles in Northern Ireland,” Ms May added, “fully aware that a militarised border may have to be put back in place. This is not a problem. My boss Jacob Rees-mogg has already blithely stated the solution to that is simply inspecting the subject peoples of Ireland to body cavity searches at the border. What could be simpler?”

The words of the last prime minister the United Kingdom will ever have will go far this morning to disabuse anyone believing a country can change course.

”Just think of the millions pumped into Arron Banks’ bank account on the Isle of Mann before the EU ref campaigns. The dodgy diamond mines. The mass targeting of individual voters on social media with racist attitudes in the days prior to the vote? Are all these expenses to have been for nothing? Would you betray the kleptonationalist forces who have bought our country, in order to asset strip it and destabilise the western democratic model?”

Ms May went on to add that she didn’t bung the DUP over a billion squid not to get our money’s worth out of the deal for her own vainglorious satisfaction of clinging onto power.

So that settles that.

Asked how they respond to the end of democracy and the signing of the economic and civil death warrant of the U.K. by a hard right coup, Labour’s Brexit spokesman Keir Starmer replied,

“that will depend on what we decide is in the best short term electoral interest of the Labour Party in particular constituencies. We’re no longer in the business of upsetting racists and hard right neocons just to defend principles. We’re sure we can work with HMG.”

Brexiters have accused the EU of being deliberately obstructive over Brexit. How dare they follow rules, rules that the UK helped draft, don’t forget.

Also included on the charge sheet is attention to detail. Pesky little inconveniences, such as facts, are getting in the way of the UK’s grand vision.

LCD Views sought the opinion of vocal Leaver Francis Onligudfa-Hollidays. “The EU is deliberately blocking Brexit,” he stated. “It’s quite simple, we want out, we voted to leave, but they won’t let us. Because of so-called ‘rules’. The EU only exists because we Brits wrote those rules for them. Now we want to take back control of our laws!”

Onligudfa-Hollidays paused to consult the list of stock phrases that Brexit Central had conveniently given to him. “The undemocratic EU needs to recognise British democracy,” he blurted at last. “Their attention to detail is unnecessary, everyone knows the Devil is in the detail, we are trying to get the Devil out of the UK. Why should we accept lectures about procedure from unelected Brussels bureaucrats? God, I hate the French!”

While Mr Onligudfa-Hollidays continued to gibber and froth at the mouth, LCD Views consulted pro-EU commentator Francis R Brother. “Rules are our friends,” he claimed. “They help the childish mind to think upon the right lines. Rule, Britannia!”

“Britannia waives the rules!” spluttered Onligudfa-Hollidays. “Britons never, never, never shall be taken for fools!”

“Unfortunately, that’s just the problem,” explained Brother. “Enough of the people have been fooled enough of the time to believe that Brexit is a walk in the park, a piece of cake. A cake-walk, if you will. The UK has relied on pure chutzpah, if that’s not too anti-semitic, and the non-existent charisma of the likes of Dominic Raab.”

Cake-walk, or sleep-walk? The UK needs to hit its stride properly before the EU tells it to take a hike.

Brexit is the Best For Britain! is the cry. Moreover, it fits neatly into an ancient British tradition.

“There are many defining characteristics of the British,” said Brexit lover Al Bymyself. “Self-deprecation. Excessive modesty. Bad puns. And snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is the cherry-picking on the cake!”

The cake that you both have and eat, no doubt.

“A paradox! Yes, we love those,” agreed Bymyself. “Taking over two years to secure the easiest deal in history! Frictionless trade means converting motorways into lorry parks! Untold riches from an Adequate Brexit.”

Bymyself’s conviction wasn’t exactly overwhelming. Nor, to be honest, was it whelming either.

“It’s a question of playing your cards right,” he repled. “Shuffle, deal. Or no deal. No deal is a good deal better than a bad deal. Deal with it!”

But, surely, the EU holds the better cards? Our wildcard, Boris the Joker, didn’t win any tricks.

“We have an ace up our sleeve!” Bymyself persisted. “If the EU refuses to fold, we whistle up the Special Relationship and Trump them.”

I can’t help thinking about the fact that last time the UK begged the USA for help, it was to achieve the pyrrhic victory that was World War 2.

“And look where that got us!” he replied doggedly. “We need a defeat. The British people love a plucky loser. This country used to be the dog’s bollocks. Now it’s a dog’s breakfast. We’ve gone from top dog to underdog. It’s barking. Mad dogs and Englishmen, as they say.”

So there it is. Years of dodgy refereeing decisions, losing on penalties, middle order collapses. We’re used to it, it’s comfortable and familiar, it’s part of the Great British Psyche. Handshakes all round, jolly good show, old boy. Let’s have a nice cup of tea.

Our insecurity makes us feel secure. This is Brexit.

A prominent think tank representative has used a time travel device to tell dinosaurs concerned about the mass extinction of their livelihoods thanks to an incoming giant comet to relax.

”You need to focus on the upsides,” Theresa May told a Tyrannosaurus Rex, while visiting Gondwanaland to promote trade between her finanical backers and the soon to be wiped out carnivores.

”As I understand it, in spite of many of your current species still at the forefront of evolutionary success, the primeval Earth overwhelmingly voted for a mass extinction event by virtue of its trajectory in the solar system coinciding with a great big comet smashing into the Gulf of Mexico. With vim, vigour and sheer bloody luck some of you will survive this event and millions of years from now have evolved into something important again.”

Ms May, will known for her work on the modern planet for furthering the interests of shadowy think tanks with aims not always too transparent, while listening to their press releases in the form of BBC news bulletins, had more than just reassurance on offer during her visit.

She was also carrying a suitcase full of munitions for any dinosaur that wished to better arm itself for peacekeeping purposes in the minor calamity that might follow the comet crashing into the planet.

”Just like Brexit, this comet’s impact is completely unavoidable, unless you’ve had the forethought to move significant assets offshore and position yourself to profit off the instability to come.”

With that she stepped back into the time machine, but was seen to hesitate before choosing a new destination and time.

”The 1950’s UK or 2019 and the Caymans?” a watching stegosaurus reported, “she seemed to be attempting to navigate to both.”

A new study of the Bayeux Tapestry by DExEU has revealed King Harold Godwinsome and Godlosesome’s last words.

Harold is famous for becoming king after the untimely death of Edward Couldntkeepasecret in 1066, telling the French to get stuffed, as they also wanted to be king after Edward, every last one of them, even the girls.

Due to this deadlock in cross channel opinion there was a bit of a scuffle relating to who was going to be king and Harold was killed.

Predominantly, historians agree, because his people didn’t believe in him being king enough.

The fresh look at this most famous of English wall carpets was undertaken by the DExEU department following an order direct from Downing Street.

”Theresa just knew that in the iconic moments of British history, which stretches back into the dawn of time, there would be numerous examples of events viewed as world ending at the time, but later revealed more truthfully to be not the end of the world after all, especially if you had the sense to belong to the right group of vested interests,

”Kind of like now with Brexit and neocon, autocratic asset strippers pushing it, who see the nation state as a thief of the wealth they inherited through their own hard work via taxation to pay for public assets they enjoy but shouldn’t have to pay for, as the public shouldn’t have any assets.”

It’s believed the discovery of Harold’s last words, stitched into the fabric nearly one thousand years ago, but surprisingly overlooked until recently, will bolster Ms May has she attempts to sell the economic vassalage of the once Great United Kingdom of Britain to its people.

”We’ve got as much chance of getting a good deal with Brussels as Harold did with William the Bastard,”  the Downing Street spokesman told us, “and yes, with our intention to end the world of U.K. car manufacturing as we know it, we’ll also be recreating the harrying of the north post Brexit.”

A small but noisy, banner-waving, crowd was protesting outside Parliament, complaining that Brexit wasn’t happening, hard or fast enough. It was mainly old people, but not exclusively, mostly with pink gammon faces, some without noses which they had cut off to spite their faces, some hobbling as they had shot themselves in the foot.

LCD Views reporter Carmen Sense approached two of the protesters to ask them why they were protesting and not in the supermarket stockpiling food and medicines in preparation for the coming hard Brexit.

They gave their names as Harry Kari and Sue Side. Before Carmen Sense could even ask a question they started screaming,

“We voted to leave the corrupt undemocratic unelected EU and we want out now. We don’t care if it costs an arm and a leg, we want to be free from the shackles of the sclerotic European project and have our own cucumbers and bananas. And we want it now!”

When Carmen Sense pointed out that the government’s own assessments for a no-deal Brexit indicated that there would be difficulties, the crowd started shouting.

“Fake News! Scaremongering! Project Fear!”, and said that that nice posh-sounding Mr Mogg had reassured them that everything would be alright, and they were prepared to wait fifty years to see the benefits of Brexit.

They also asserted that they were willing to take jobs as Mogg’s serfs in gratitude for his role in liberating Britain from the tyranny of Brussels.

Carmen Sense suddenly had a nasty thought, which was if there were seventeen million like this in the country, the chances of Remain winning a People’s Vote were as slim as we would all be when food became scarce after Brexit.

The crowd started to disperse. Was it to go home to watch Nigel Farage on TV, Carmen asked. No, Harry and Sue replied, we’re going to stockpile food and medicines, and book a last-minute break in Europe before flights are grounded in March next year. Oh, and we have to move our assets abroad to avoid exposures to the coming economic downturn.

Next day, the headlines in the papers were “What’s the ‘arm in Armageddon?” I guess maybe we’ll find out…

The people of Kent were heard clenching hard and releasing in celebration into the small hours last night with the announcement that Invicta, the white horse, was to be replaced by Sphincter, an overturned portable toilet, on the Kent flag.

“It’s to show the entire world that Kent is not blocked up with bloody remoaners,” Thanet’s leading political stool Nigel Farage, told LCD Views during an interview conducted side by side in a pub urinal.

“that our guts are in full Brexshit means Brexshit flow and we’re ready to become one giant carpark of backed up lorry drivers, because that’s what the people of Kent voted 59% to leave the overly automated bidets and hygiene obsessed little tiled rooms of Brussels for.”

Yes! To ensure they stay at the front of the long queue of patriots busting to express themselves on England’s pleasant green fields. And it’s not only the flag that is getting updated.

”We’re going to carve a giant Sphincter into a chalky hillside facing France,” Nigel Farage added, “surround that with actual overturned and full portaloos with a sacrificial lorry driver inside, and then set the whole lot on fire using transport and logistic jobs as fuel. Bloody thing will burn for all to see for years. Just imagine the screams of the traitors! Ha!”

That vision expressed fully we shook.

”Remember more than three shakes is a wank!” Nigel cackled, easily into double figures.

It seems Brexit really will mean take back control for the people of Kent, mostly by having control of giant slurry pits where they used to have fields. And at considerable public expense.

”Spend a penny for Brexit,” Nigel added, “and do it in Kent.”

Brexit Industries newfangled life jackets have been withdrawn from sale after the shock discovery that the major component used in their manufacture is concrete. And it doesn’t float.

”Who would have thought that? No one warned us. It was a total blindside,” deputy head of development, Ill Heath and Unsafe Department, Kate Hoey told LCD Views, “the first person to strap on a Brexit life jacket in an emergency just vanished into the deep.”

But Kate and her team aren’t willing to give up yet.

”The concrete used to weight down the life jackets, in the pockets normally reserved for flotation devices, was really cheap. We will keep using it until it floats. Head of Procurement and Most Likely Fraud, Arron, got dozens of containers of it delivered to our top secret lab on the Isle of Mann. Who won’t say who he got it off, but he’s a Brexiter, so I trust him. We’re not just going to throw it away when we can keep sewing it into jackets for British seafarers and holidaymakers to wear.”

And Brexit Industries have received support from the top echelons of government.

”It’s the red tape imposed on British manufacturers from the killjoys in Brussels,” Dominic Raab, a piece of meat which barely seems capable of rational thought, told us from the freezer section of DExEU, “any swimmer can easily stay afloat in the roughest of seas with the right amount of vim and vigour in their frantic splashing about.”

In the interim British people taking to the seas in potentially life threatening situations are advised to use jackets developed with actually staying afloat in mind.

”It’s taking all the adventure out of boating,” Kate bemoaned, “and we’d just developed a matching pair of concrete shoes to go with the jackets too.”

The government’s preparations for a ‘no-deal’ scenario have been spluttering off the presses. Buried in the mass of fudge and waffle was a nugget of good news – Global Britain is set to become the world’s leading producer of red tape.

The announcement was made, almost by accident, by the man formerly acting as Brexit Secretary. Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab looked shifty, nervous and sweaty as he announced the shifty, nervous and sweaty plans.

He glossed over this important detail. However, we at LCD Views would like to shout it from the rooftops. It’s a HUGE BOOST for red tape MANUFACTURERS!

Forget the referendum promise to reduce red tape. This has been an Alice Through The Looking Glass Brexit for a long time now, in which the reality is the opposite of the projected image. Humpty Dumptyism reigns, whereby if you use a word, it means precisely what you want it to mean.

“This is why increased red tape is a triumph!” crowed Brexit analyst Topsie Turvey. “It’s a true Brexit Dividend. This will stimulate manufacturing all over the country. No longer will dark Satanic millowners lose business to cheap imports from China, they can get on with making British red tape for the Global Britain market.”

And it’s not just red tape.

“It’s also red, white and blue tape!” claimed Turvey. “And soft tape and hard tape, cooked goose tape and half-baked tape. We will have our tape and cut it.”

Cutting red tape. That was the promise.

“You can’t cut red tape without first producing red tape,” Turvey scolded. “By producing vast quantities, we can cut more and more red tape!”

At least we will be able to cut down on surplus packaging. Imported goods will be wrapped in so much red tape as to render it totally unnecessary.

And the fudge and waffle will feed the masses indefinitely.