Category: Brexit

Famous mental laxative manufacturers, ERG, have thrown themselves into the swirling maelstrom of shit that passes for U.K. politics nowadays with a nifty proposal to solve the Irish Border problem.

”With just six hundred miles of winding and turreted walls, built in the Norman fashion that has done so much to boost tourism across the Irish Sea in Wales, we can neatly solve the problem of the Irish Border which has long vexed the European Union with its complexity [but remains impressively easy to solve for British Brexit MPs].”

The walls, to be built of stone made from newly constructed border housing, now marked for demolition, will also have tunnels to let the water flow through.

”Whatever direction the water flows on that island, be it north to south, south to north, west to east or up to down, boating will not be inhibited. In fact we suggest tourist day tours, with relevant immigration checks, will be a boon to the population of the area and easily replace any income lost to farming once a great big wall unnecessary wall appears on the landscape.”

The ERG suggest building of the wall should begin immediately,

”as we intend to do our utmost to crash the U.K. out of the EU in order to maximise the profit from the shorting of the pound that so many of our colleagues are betting on.”

Quite what the people of Northern Ireland or the Republic will make of the proposal was addressed also.

”We are the ERG. We don’t give a fig. You will be assimilated. And anyway, if we start letting one former colony dictate British foreign policy that’s hardly a good foundation for when we lay down the terms to India for the return of the Raj, after our successful Brexit leaves us free once more to trade with the world.”

As a final point the ERG added,

”Everyone is so damned up in arms about our suggestions to use new technology to police what was once an invisible border that enabled a fragile peace, we presume they’ll be just chuffed with the idea of using old, tried and tested wall technology.”

It’s expected the BBC will later report this development with the headline ‘ERG triumphs as Irish Border problem solved by ERG’.

Town halls across the U.K. are faced with an escalating cash crisis completely down to the necessity of constantly re-issuing each Brexit supporting voter’s birth certificate on a daily basis.

”It’s a good thing support for this far right takeover of our country is slowly and steadily waning, well, everywhere but Labour HQ,” register of births, deaths and marriages at Buck-on-Trend told LCD Views, “we’ve already pushed bin collections back to biannual events to save money and we’re in danger of cancelling them altogether.”

It seems the reason for the never ending re-issuing, and corresponding exhaustion of resources, already strained worse than the famous words “strong and stable”, is the requirement to daily update individual Brexit voter’s date of birthday to yesterday.

”They were all born yesterday,” the register shrugged, “even the over 65’s. Every morning when they wake up still believing in the best Brexit deal possible and take back control and jobs first Brexit, and all the other bollocks Brexit politicians say to further their own ideological aims, the Brexit backing voter is reborn anew. Clearly still knowing about as much as a newborn.”

It is hoped the gradual filtering through to the general public at large of the nightmare ahead will swing enough voters against Brexit in the coming weeks and alleviate the budget strain.

”If it doesn’t happen we’re going to have to stop registering births altogether. But that would have the side benefit of easing housing shortages at least.”

Anyone seeking further confirmation of the date of birth of a Brexit voter is asked to just wait patiently and see how quickly they soil themselves when the housing market adjusts itself to the exciting possibilities presented by Brexit in 2019.

In a dramatic setback for British deep political thought, the ERG have announced they have delayed publishing their rival Brexit plan after ‘Step 1 – Invade Poland’ was leaked, but with a glaring typo saying ‘Invade Argentina’.

”We had intended to publish on the 1st September,” Mrs Batshit Crazy MP told LCD Views, “but then some traitor sabotaged us by leaking page one of the plan with the typo. We still intend to Invade Argentina, but that’s not page one of the plan, it’s page two.”

The plan overall though seems pretty much to just replay WW2, but with some role reversal and modifications relating to new tech, and was supposed to be a rival to May’s now widely disregarded Chequer’s Plan.

In this plan the British challenge the EU to a game of chess and then stun Barnier and co by immediately putting themselves in checkmate.

”We all know Ms May’s plan will never fly,” Batshit went on, “unlike our special squadrons of genetically engineered flying monkeys which will rain fear and terror across the tyrannical superstate of the EU until Empress Merkel comes to Whitehall in chains and kneels in submission before Dictator (for life) Jacob.”

Key parts of the plan are known though, along with the invasion of Poland, and they are the eradication of taxation completely and the drawing of blood from poor people. This will be sold on the international black market and the profits used to pay for the new ruling elite and their lifestyles, so they don’t have to.

”Personally I think we should push on regardless,” Batshit added, “once we have control of the air, like Bannon has advised us to do, only America can stop us. And we all know which side Trump is on (wink, wink).”

At least withholding the plan from greater public scrutiny has the advantage of no one at all thinking the ERG are completely off their rockers and devoid of the ability to plan coherently.

This allows them to retain their credibility and continue to drive the U.K. to a position of total dominance of the world’s tax havens, by way of terrifying May into submission until Boris Johnson takes over. Oops. That’s page three.

The two partners, who fell out over a number of trivialities, have been unable to come to any agreement. With neither side willing to compromise, skilled mediators are being drafted in.

The UK wants full access to the EU, but also full access to everyone else. The EU wants the marriage to continue but demands fidelity.

“It’s a clear case of the forty-seven year itch,” remarked Relate counsellor Amy Cable-Relationship. “The spark has gone, and one partner fancies a break because he hasn’t entered a fresh market in years.”

The UK is trying to avoid being kicked out of house and home. It dreads (and is secretly looking forward to) coming home after one last big bender to find its belongings on the lawn and the locks changed.

“It might take a long time to regain what we have now,” observed UK representative Upton O’Goode. “But what we will regain instantly is control over our destiny, and so we can get into bed with whomever we choose!”

“We have put up with, and indulged, the UK for years,” countered EU spokeswoman Delia Nodeal. “And we are prepared to have the UK back if it promises to behave itself most of the time. If what the UK wants is a bit more indulgence, I’m sure we can cope with that!”

“There are no victors in a divorce,” Cable-Relationship concluded. “Just whiners and losers.”

The divorce lawyers do all right, of course. The UK is having a midlife crisis, and the EU is considering making the suggestion that the UK should just buy a sports car instead. A German one, naturally.

Will it all end in tears? Ultimately, the EU will probably shrug its shoulders and let the UK sleep in the spare room and cadge the occasional sandwich.

There it is! The Brexit Dividend! We will still have our BLT.

The metaphorical elephant has grown so huge that it has run out of room. So much so that there is no longer a room big enough to house it.

Elephants are sensitive creatures. This breed thrives on neglect. However this neglect must be balanced. It is essential to tiptoe delicately around both sides of it. If this is not done, it grows in an uncontrolled fashion.

Elephants produce a large amount of waste. It is the job of the pundits who carefully neglect it to tidy up its shit in a euphemistic manner. Unfortunately this has not been done. Instead the pundits have added large quantities of bullshit to the mix.

The RSPCA has been contacted. Although they are studiously ignoring the elephant, they lack the manpower to ignore it properly.

Meanwhile the elephant has outgrown every room on the planet. It is so large that it threatens to disrupt shipping to and from the UK. People who fear the elephant are fleeing the country the best they can.

Instead, the elephant has made its home in Ireland. Day after day it sits there, on the border, its immense size making it very hard to ignore properly.

In Whitehall, there is no consensus about how the correct way to ignore the elephant. Indeed, two years after it was brought into being, arguments still rage over what sort of elephant it is.

“Elephant means elephant,” claims Mrs T May from Maidenhead. “It’s a tautological paradox. Let me be quite clear about that!”

“The elephant is going to decimate the economy,” announces Mr P Hammond of Runnymede. “That is what metaphorical constructs do.”

“Whatever type of elephant it is, it is the wrong type,” says Mr J Rees-Mogg of Somersetshire. “It should be identical to the impossible elephant that exists only in my imagination.”

“What a load of fibblefabble,” states Mr B Johnson, late of Uxbridge. “Here, do you mind if I kip on your sofa and dibble your wife this evening?”

There is one unarguable, tangible benefit. In 20, 50 or even 100 years, the elephant will perish and leave behind a vast quantity of ivory.

A new snooker manual has been withdrawn from sale after serious issues were found with the strategies it advises.

The book, written by the pro-Brexit campaign, has caused some controversy after it transpired that in every situation, the shot it recommends is a foul stroke.

Former world champion Steve Davis had this to say on the book:

“It’ll give you a situation where you’re trying to pot a red, and it’ll always recommend hitting the red onto one of the other colours to pot that instead. Especially the black or the brown.”

This strategy was defended by Jacob Rees-Mogg, who explained:

“Well there’s more reds than any other ball on the table, and they’re only worth one point each, but potting the other balls rack up a lot more points, so you should just use your cue ball to get the majority to knock those non-conformist coloured balls into the holes for you. Simple really.”

Except that all the points from that shot will go to the other side, because that’s how fouls work in snooker.

“Well really,” retorted Mr Rees-Mogg. “That’s not right at all. You should get the points for any balls you pot while you’re at the table regardless of colour. Besides, those coloured balls, you think you’ve got rid of that dirty-looking brown one, but back it comes again, the referee puts it back on a spot. When I play snooker, I see to it that the black and brown are eliminated from the game as quickly as possible.”

He also went on to describe the yellow ball as “shifty”, the pink as “obviously homosexual” and the green as “a total waste of time.”

Steve Davis has since offered to show Mr Rees-Mogg how to play the game properly. There has been no reply as yet.

Chief EU Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier, which translates into English as Michael Barrier, dropped a bombshell today by offering to tear up the EU’s single market rules in one especial circumstance.

”You must understand this offer comes straight from the very top of the EU superstate,” Michael told reporters in Brussels, “Angela has ordered me to allow cherry picking of the EU’s single market after Margaret Thatcher visited her in a dream.”

It appears in the dream, described as a nightmare by many observers, Margaret Thatcher visited Angela Merkel and said if British remainers get behind Brexit on social media and stop talking the U.K. down, it will be okay to destroy any pillar of the single market Brexshittingtremist Tories, or their colleagues, the Lexitshittingtremists, demand.

Clearly the only reason they have so far not done so is not the agreed legal framework by which a multi-national union of countries functions, but the sense that there wasn’t enough faith in Brexit in the U.K.

”As it was the ghost of a British leader telling Angela what to do she has no choice but to follow orders. So I make this offer today. British based service businesses may have full ongoing and unfettered access to the EU single market, regardless of what withdrawal deal we agree, if any, and even if Downing Street under Boris Johnson (come October) refuses to pay the extortionate divorce bill, but first remoaners must be more patriotic and start supporting Brexit on Facebook and Twitter.”

The abrupt capitulation by the EU side is not a surprise, as we are British.

Temporary Prime Minister Theresa Mayhem is yet to respond to the offer, but is believed to have just shrugged when she heard it.

”The EU knows Britain holds all the cards,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “they were always going to fold sooner or later. As British people are more patriotic. We just needed to show it sufficiently on social media and then stand back and watch the EU break its laws, rules, treaties, whatever was necessary,

”The fact they haven’t even begun to stockpile food or turn the autobahn into a lorry park just shows how unprepared they are for a no deal scenario. I would say it would have been far easier for people to have stopped tweeting against Brexit. That was the only thing stopping this being the easiest deal in history.”

Who dares wins. A man with a frightening range of disabilities in a frighteningly responsible position has wagered the future of the UK on an arcade game.

The man threw down his white stick, his ear trumpet and the gauntlet. Barnier, well used to the irrational antics of the UK’s Brexit negotiators, waited politely until one of the man’s nurses explained the situation.

“Dommy sure plays a mean pinball,” explained nurse Pat Onthehead. “It’s the only way he can communicate when he is stressed out. He can’t speak because of a traumatic experience in childhood.”

“What was that?” enquired Barnier. “Did the silver spoon fall out of his mouth?”

“Don’t be rude, it’s not funny!” replied Onthehead. “In fact, at an impressionable age, his parents told him that he was not in fact adopted, but that he was an immigrant!”

“And now this same man has been tasked with delivering the most hateful anti-immigrant policy in a generation,” remarked Barnier. “I never did understand the British sense of irony. So, what are you suggesting?”

“Dommy says winner takes all,” Onthehead clarified. “If Dommy wins, you let the UK go, pay the UK to trade with you and accept its overlordship. If you win, the UK remains in the EU for now. But let me warn you, Dommy thinks he is a pinball wizard. So if you win, he will get very angry indeed and probably kick off big time and I won’t be answerable for the consequences. What do you say?”

Barnier sighed. “Another unacceptable red line,” he said. “Now, if you had suggested chess, or even Scrabble…”

“Best of three, then?” pleaded Onthehead, as Barnier gathered up his documents and prepared to depart. “Poor Dommy came all this way for a game… M. Barnier? M. Barnier?…”

A deaf, dumb and blind Brexit? It’s the only deal on the table.

Great news for people worried about the complete and total slaughter of manufacturing and service sectors in the U.K. as a result of Brexit today with the announcement that Star Trek character Khan Noonien Singh is to take over from Raab as Brexit talks reach the final stage.

”It’s clear now Dominic isn’t up to the job,” retired intellectual David Davis MP told LCD Views, “this is personally a surprise. I carefully laid a negotiating strategy based on sound military principles, learned during my time as a winter soldier, and had the EU pretty much beat when I graciously stepped down to allow a rookie the glory. But it’s all gone a bit Pete Tong since, to everyone’s surprise.”

To rectify the calamity that has only begun since General Davis moved to the side, a fictional science fiction super villain is believed the right measure.

”With Khan’s superior genetics and can do attitude, we’ll soon see the terrified fear back in Admiral Barnier’s eyes. You know, like the way he used to look at me when I once or twice turned up in Brussels and challenged him to get shit faced and a lap dance and agree Brexit over a handshake like proper old boys.”

Once Khan has successfully outmanoeuvred Barnier it’ll be easy for the mighty British fleet to capture the Genesis device.

”Khan will then take the Genesis device to the north east of England and trigger it in an abandoned auto manufacturing plant. This will lead to a dramatic rebirth and increase in both the size the British empire and traditional industries of tomorrow like coal mining and naan bread exports.”

Asked for comment on the appointment of Khan the EU delegation seemed non-plussed and said they would hold a special screening of all seven seasons of the ‘Love Boat’ to make him feel at home, while simultaneously inviting the relocation of the UK’s financial services sector to Frankfurt.

”Live long and prosper,” Barnier added, before smirking and asking, “make it so.”