Category: Brexit

Nigel Farage is all set to start asking the EU he hates so much for public funds to misuse again after he announced he has formed yet another political party.

But controversy has already engulfed ‘The Brexit Party’ after keen fans of the reincarnation of Oswald Moseley mashed into Lord Haw-Haw, and flavoured with extra rent-a-gob fascism, spotted something missing from posters unveiled to herald Farage’s latest bollocks.

“They’res know Union Jack and knot even a Saint George flag,” Mr Potatriot told LCD Views, “just a man with his head stuck up his jacksie. Witch is right, its are only direction off travel, but wee kneed the world too no its a BRITISH HED STUCK UP A BRITISH BACKSIDE!!,,!!?/11!!”

It’s unlikely the criticism will slow Farage down though as he drives forward with the likely power of thousands of Kremlin bots pushing ‘The Brexit Party’ to prominence in the media.

Added to this he can presumably rely on a massive influx of dark money from the USA, as the modern pan-Atlantic feudalists attempt to finish the job of cracking open the golden goose that is the UK to get at its innards.

“He’s signed an exclusive publicity deal with the BBC,” our political afterbirths correspondent says, “so he’s sure to get in the face of everyone who hasn’t already bent over backwards to insert their head up their backside. Then he can just shout Brexit is being betrayed until he resumes his seat at the EU parliament, after Brexit is cancelled at 9:59pm UK time on the 29th March. He’s basically employed for life.”

But what is inside the golden goose that Farage and his American sponsors are so gun-ho to get at?

“Well, I suspect they want to break apart the EU so they can enslave ordinary working people, you know, like in the good old days” our correspondent suggests, “and of particular interest in the UK is the realisation that the greatest concentration of private wealth is in the homes of the over 55’s. But to get them to ‘release’ that equity, you’re going to have to cripple and flog off the NHS first. Brexit is a many faceted turd. Put your head up your jacksie and inhale it!”

No thanks! We’ll keep arguing that our collective heads should be kept well on the outside!

LCD Views is thrilled to announce a new feature premiere from acclaimed political theatre team ‘Backstop Productions’, who have teamed up with ‘Making It Up As You Go’ to present a tense, new political thriller about life in the Westminster bubble.

“The action centres on the journeys back and forth from Westminster to continental Europe of dark money bag woman ‘The Maybot’,” our entertainment and improv analyst says,

“she’s played by amateur politician Theresa May, who you may recall playing the role of prime minister in Rupert Murdoch’s long running serial ‘I own 10 Downing Street so F U’. Critics who have seen advanced screenings say she’s nailed the role, along with her red, white (emphasis on the white) and blue colours to the mast.”

But the production hasn’t been without detractors?

“That’s right. There is critique from some that the plot is repetitive as it essentially revolves around the Maybot pretending to work towards a solution that doesn’t end civilised society in the United Kingdom, but really it’s all for show and her character’s real aim is to run down the clock and trigger a god almighty smash and grab of UK plc assets for tax havens.”

And the dialogue has come in for scorn too?

“Yes indeed. While it’s possible this is a classic of post modern cinema, and the dialogue is a device to disturb the viewer and make them question all they thought they knew, ‘The Maybot’ only speaks slogans for the first two acts and then just asks a man in Brussels the same question over and over for the last act, no matter how often he says no.”

So who’s the hero of the story?

“Trailers released while production was ongoing suggested it was a character called ‘Magic Grandpa’, but it won’t be a spoiler for me to say as the action unfolds he looks more and more like one of the villains.”

We understand there was disagreement within the production company over the title of the film too?

“Indeed. The film was very nearly called ‘The Woman Who Didn’t Know Enough’, or even ‘Get Backstop’, but in the end ‘The Woman Who Knew Too Little’ won out, because it’s really all one and the same thing. And one more thing…”

Yes?

“Don’t be a wallflower. The movie is due for UK wide release on the 29th of March 2019 and audience participation is compulsory. But that’s okay, because by then everyone will have heard the key dialogue so often, we’ll all be pretty much fed up with it. Tickets are only £350m per week, but there’s no need to book in advance as you’ll be forced to buy one, if necessary, at the point of a gun held by a terrified army recruit outside your local off licence.”

LCD Views can confidently report the nature of Brexiter Hell. Extensive research reveals that Old Nick has recently added a tenth circle exclusively for Brexiters. This circle applies retribution to hardened liars.

Our contact revealed that the door to the tenth circle of Hell is numbered 101.

Documents so detailed that no living Brexiter would bother to read them reveal that victims will be obliged to read documents so detailed that no living Brexiter would bother to read them.

Attention to detail will be mandatory, as well as reaching a fully reasoned conclusion.

There will be a corner containing Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nanny, where unworldly oddball posh boys with strangely named children receive their punishment. Those of the second circle (Lust) persuasion will be forced to watch but forbidden to touch.

The tenth circle will be festooned with EU flags. In fact, all clothing, bedsheets and other fabrics will be made of blue cloth decorated with rings of golden stars.

Dead unicorns will fester, eternally, around every corner. Next to the unicorns will stand interviewers intent on forensically interviewing Brexiters.

The worst offenders will have to walk down a dreary run-down provincial high street. They will be compelled to donate huge sums of precious sterling to beggars, and invite homeless migrants to dinner.

Already Brexiters are objecting to joining the Satanic Union. They are surreptitiously shifting their assets into the eighth circle, Fraud, while secretly pledging loyalty to the ninth circle, Treason.

Negotiations with Lucifer himself about leaving the Union have already been opened, but have stalled permanently. This is because ‘we won the referendum’ is the only true statement available to the Brexiters.

Instead, Lucifer is advocating even closer integration. He is suggesting that the fourth circle (Avarice) and the fifth (Sloth) merge into the tenth. Brexiters are upset because Lucifer is simultaneously deadly serious and taking the Mickey.

Oh, and big red buses will be totally banned.

The Devil himself was said to be “livid” and “beside himself with rage” today after hearing that leading proponents of Brexit will be coming to stay for all eternity.

”That guy who made the toothbrush moustache infamous isn’t too chuffed either,” our supernatural affairs correspondent says, “he’s going to have to share his room forever with the likes of Nigel Farage and Dan Hannan. Still, what are the odds of two guys with one ball each become room mates forever? Pretty long I’d say!”

It seems the addition of the Brexiters to Hell isn’t exactly a surprise, but something the Devil hadn’t considered when he signed his WA from Paradise with God.

”The Devil was in the detail,” our correspondent says, “or he wasn’t in the detail. He doesn’t really do it. This tends to store up problems for the future that should really have been foreseen before signing the contract. But having to put up with Boris Johnson and Rees-mogg forever? It’s enough to make you shiver, in spite of the insufferable heat.”

Responding to the news, delivered earlier today at a press conference by Donald Tusk, the Devil is believed to be seeking a renegotiation of his treaty with God.

”He wants the agreement reopened and the inclusion of a time limit, or a legal trigger that allows him to terminate Hell at a time of his choosing.”

God is believed to be willing to talk about changing the agreement regarding Hell, but only if the Devil can actually come up with an alternative solution that serves exactly the same purpose of roasting Brexiters for their sins forever.

”It’s not going to happen, if eternity has a time limit, then it’s not really eternity now, is it.”

Eternity means eternity.

LCD Views can report today of fears that hundreds of Westminster MPs have been caught up in a drug use scandal!

“There are genuine and real fears our democracy is being pawned off to the lowest of the lowest bidders as out of control MPs desperately try and pay for their worsening junk habits,” our political junky correspdoent says,

“once an MP starts using Brexit there is often little hope of them turning their life back around. You can forget expert help. A fear of experts goes with the useage. And like all heavy users don’t even bother trying to get them to face day to day reality.”

It’s believed the path to Brexit use often starts differently, depending on the initial political affiliation of the at risk user, but they all end in the political gutter.

”You know a heavy user. They’re obvious. They call for tighter controls on migrant labour, that we’re losing our national identity, which is the percolation of a country built by a vast array of influences globally over millennia, and that we need to be able to universally terminate the only legal guarantee that Brexit use won’t lead to a return of sectarian violence in Northern Ireland.”

It’s believed for Conservative Party junkies it’s a process of increasing dosage which leads to a perpetual mania.

”You know what it’s like. First you get a buzz making the man on the street pay for the mistakes of your mates in casino finance,

”You get a kick out of passing laws that stigmatise the most vulnerable,

”A little bit of NHS privatisation gets your rocks off. But then you get jaded and you want something harder,

“That’s when the pusher, identified by Westminster sources as Fagashface appears, offering you a bit of full blown xenophobic, toxified nationalistic, neoliberal, rights and tax rate smashing powder, or Brexit as it’s called on the street.”

But what about Labour MPs? Enough of them are now addicted to Brexit too, regardless of what it’s doing to people’s livelihoods and the risk to cooperation and peace across Europe.

”They’re a weird mob. Mostly stuck in a 70’s timewarp. Brexit use is nostalgic for them too. Maybe we can still have the Revolution comrade, if we can just turn back the clocks? Maybe Lexit, a twin substance to Brexit, can do just that? But once they’re hooked they’re done for too.”

How do you know if a Labour MP is a user?

”Jobs first Brexit, that’s the giveaway, each and every time.”

LCD Views urges our elected representatives to get a grip and get clean before they sell the shirts off our backs to pay for their habits. Remember, if you are considering recreational use of Brexit, there is no safe dosage and the needle is never clean.

The UK is set to crash and burn. It is leaving the EU asap without a safety net. WTO rules have been proposed, even though this would leave the UK on a footing with the most bendy banana-y of banana republics. The only answer is to trade on WTF rules.

So what are WTF rules, and how do they work?

Trade expert Selma Wrights gave LCD Views the inside track.

“It’s simple,” said Wrights. “Every time a politician or commentator makes a statement, simply reply ‘WTF!’. Technological solution? WTF! Alternative arrangements? WTF! Jobs first? WTF!”

It would work in parliament too, says Wrights. My honourable friend… WTF! Let me be entirely clear… WTF! We will deliver on the result of the referendum… WTF! WTF! WTF!

You get the picture.

Unfortunately, the UK is in this situation because of a schoolboy prank gone horribly wrong. Imagine being a very posh fly on the wall of the Lower Fourth common room at Eton. Michael Gove is listening intently to Alex “Call me Boris” Johnson…

“I’ve got another wizard wheeze, Pob!”

“Yippee! What is it this time, Alex?”

“Boris. It’s Boris.”

“Sorry, Alex. I mean, sorry, Boris. What’s the plan?”

“We insist that the Lower Fourth breaks away and sets its own fees and selects its own boys and hires its own masters!”

“Nobody would take it seriously.”

“Cameron would! The nancy boy Greek master who lives in a shed.”

“So, what will we do?”

“Keep him talking nonsense all lesson so he doesn’t start droning on about Virgil again. Squiffy, Bumfluff and Pongo will help out as usual.”

“Then what?”

“Get reported I expect, then six of the best from the headmaster, followed by getting pissed on Squiffy’s vodka and a wank-off in the dorm.”

“The usual, then.”

“The usual.”

Unfortunately for the protagonists, Cameron bought it, put it to the vote and lost, then scarpered. WTF!

LCD Views is at pains to point out that other Brexits are available. WHO rules has already been discussed on this page. Animal lovers (and, oddly enough, wrestlers) are keen on a WWF Brexit, and Tony Blair advocates WMD. WTF?!

A new law comes into force today to stop people getting sticks and scraping out dog mess from the treads on their children’s trainers, nicknamed the ‘Wear it with pride!’ law.

”The New law forces people who unwittingly step in dog poo to respect the result,” any Brexit backing MP told LCD Views,

“it doesn’t matter that the walk to the park was pitched as an enlivening experience in the sunlit outdoors, with a clear path along the pavement to a meadow like field,

“And the path is pretty much paved in dog mess, so thick with it it’s impossible to step in-between piles, and when you get to the park it’s a burning chasm that appears to be a gateway to hell with only a collection of Nigel Farage’s at the bottom of it,

“You must respect the result of the dog mess you tread in to get to the burning mouth of damnation.”

But what was wrong with the time honoured method of dealing with such calamities of stopping, finding a way to clean it up, and then ignoring the smell long enough for it to dissipate?

“The way we did things before disrespected the feelings of people who either weren’t paying attention sufficiently to clean up after their pooch as they soiled the community, or in some cases, were petty and mean spirited enough not to care. Why shouldn’t it be someone else’s problem to clean up quite some time after you’ve walked away with your dog?”

This doesn’t sound like a good foundation for a big society.

“Oh, this is exactly what the big society was intended to be.”

Father Andrew was staring out of the window of the Brexit Island parochial house. He played idly with some toy animals on the sill.

“These sacred cows are small,” said Father Rupert patiently. He pointed out of the window. “But those are far away.” Father Andrew looked from one to the other, uncomprehendingly.

The phone rang. “Brexit Island parochial house!” said Father Rupert brightly. “Yes, yes, of course you can… No, of course it won’t be like last time… I told you, that money was just resting in my account… Yes, Father, we’ll see you soon!”

He replaced the receiver. “That was Father Michel from the mainland,” he announced. *Coming to pay us a little visit. Wants us to work with those eejits over there. But we don’t want them butting in, do we Fathers? Now, Father Andrew, you know what we want. And whatever you do, make sure Father Boris doesn’t wake up!”

“Drink! Girls! Feck! Business!” shouted Father Boris.

“Now I’m off to write ‘Down with this sort of thing’ on the front page of all my newspapers,” concluded Father Rupert. “Don’t agree to anything Father Michel says! Oh, hello Father Michel! Do sit down!”

Mrs May tottered in, and curtseyed like an arthritic giraffe. “Will you have a nice fresh Brexit negotiation?” she asked Father Michel. “Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…”

“No, thank you,” he replied.

“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!”

“Maybe just a little one…”

“No! It’s clear you don’t want one!” said Mrs May, turning away. “If you want to be intransigent, that’s ok with me.”

She returned to the kitchen, only to come back immediately.

“Will you have a nice cup of tea instead, then, Father?” asked Mrs May. “It’s Backstop Blend. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…”

“It looks a bit muddy…”

“It was ground yesterday!” exclaimed Mrs May, wounded. “I’m going to have to go to the kitchen and shoot myself now! Look what you’ve made me do!”

She left, and the sound of gunshot rang through the house.

Next week: Dominic Grieve and Yvette Cooper star in Kicking Bishop Brexit Up The Arse.

It seems now that now nearly all cabinet ministers in the current government have lined up lucrative non-exec board positions for the moment they quit politics after Brexit, one of the key characters in the UK’s political psycho-drama has a different plan up her sleeve.

LCD Views has the exclusive scoop on the unverified rumour that principal antagonist in the Brexit farce, prime minister Theresa May, has a plan to take her skills into the world of acting.

“She acted the part of a remainer with total conviction and believability in 2016,” casting agent Paul Hollywood told us over cake, “and then she was able to completely flip her motivations to play the role of a leaver with the conviction of the genuinely insane. She can take on her role as a reclusive and deranged political agent in ‘The Brex Files’ with ease.”

Key to the drama on the screen will be Agent Mayhem’s twin search.

”Her colleagues call her ‘Maybot’, because she’s actually an android struggling to become human, and failing. But her other obsession in the series is the search for a technological solution to the Irish Border, to replace the backstop agreed with the EU. Something only extraterrestrials currently have the capacity to produce.”

Other key players from recent British political history will also feature in the cast.

”Nigel Farage has been cast as a shadowy, chain smoking, trench coat wearing pain in the ass called ‘Fagash Throat’. He appears now and then to offer absolute bollocks as advice.”

Boris Johnson is rumoured to also have a part in the pilot episode?

”That’s right. He plays the role of a maniacal government man who ruins the entire civil framework and economy of a country attempting to build a bridge from SW1 to Riyadh. But agent Mayhem thinks he has a secret that can help her solve the border problem, so she pretty much let’s him do whatever ruinous crap he wants until he finally gives up and goes away.”

That one is straight art imitating life.

”Oh, I wouldn’t expect much art.”

What should we expect then?

”A lot of loose bowels and no answers.”

‘The Brex Files’ premieres at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 on all streaming services located near to a toilet.

Grab your popcorn and settle in, but you may also like to stockpile some medicines too.

LCD Views can wearily inform today that the European Union has set up a recorded message to respond to daily nuisance calls from a British woman.

The woman in question is believed to live in a taxpayer funded, local government property in central London. One of the last of its kind thanks to the ideology of sensible inner London social cleansing promoted by the caring Conservatives when they resumed their reign of terror over the land in 2010.

“She thinks she’s British prime minister,” a caller claiming to be Donald Tusk told us, speaking freely this morning, “which is frankly alarming. We know the woman in that symbolic position is just a front for an international clique of disaster capitalists. And her daily phone calls? I believe she needs help. This obsessive behaviour is not normal.”

But why does she call each and every day?

“Well first she claimed to be a disgruntled customer of the EU. Apparently she wasn’t aware when she purchased her membership of the continental wide club that she would be getting freedom of movement, reciprocal health care, strengthening data protection laws, gender and race equality initiatives, a focus on environmental protections and investment in the poorest areas of her country, neglected by central government.”

It sounds like she should have read the fine print.

“Yes. The part about her membership that she was particularly disgruntled by was the reciprocal nature of it all. She had to give the same things back to foreigners.”

A bitter pill to swallow.

“If you’re a xenophobic, small minded little Englander mentally marooned in a misremembered past, it certainly is.”

So she’s calling to demand a refund?

“Membership is only a few pence a day. Not even sofa change. We’ve told her she won’t be getting a refund, but she’s welcome to leave the club. It’s her choice. She has personal sovereignty, even if she doesn’t want other people to have it.”

So why does she keep calling?

“She didn’t read the fine print on the cancellation form.”

Oh no. Here we go again. What’s upset her with that?

“Measures taken to attempt to prevent a return to paramilitary violence on an island a few miles to the west of where she lives. It makes you wonder what goes on in her head and the heads of the people around her.”

It sure does. So what are you going to do about the nuisance calls?

“We’ve set up a recorded message to answer her now.”

In several languages?

“No. Only in English. Bugger all point of recording it in any other when no one else would be stupid enough to call this particular negotiating hotline.”