Category: Brexit

IT’S ALL IN HIS HEAD : That old stalwart of British political comedy, David Davis, splashed back onto the country’s screens last night as he delved deep into the wrinkles of his mind to tell how he pulled a prank on the boring, detail obsessed people in Europe.

“I took inspiration from British military history,” Davis related, “and my own training in the SAS. You know I can kill a man with my bare hands? But I prefer to just confuse them to death instead. That’s risky. You have to be careful not to terminally confuse yourself in the process.”

The history he referred to was the famous WW2 Operation Mincemeat by which allied military intelligence tricked the enemy into believing we were doing what we weren’t.

“Of course we didn’t need the intelligence this time,” Davis advised, “that would just have confused us. No. I just used my own brain. It’s often bandied about that I’m thick as mince, well, I proved that and took the EU for one hell of a ride.”

The central deception appears to have been fooling the EU into thinking the UK’s government, and Brexit pushers like David Davis, actually had a plan.

“You don’t need a plan when all you’re planning to do is crash your economy,” Davis smiled, “smash and grab. It was all going really well. I can’t remember which MP it was that declared we should immediately trigger Article 50 on the 24th June 2016, but that would have ensured Operation : Thick as minced meat was a slam dunk. Failing to act when we had the wind at our backs, not failing to plan, that was where it went wrong.”

Still, it’s not a total loss. With the pound trading near parity to the Euro and expected to reach similar levels with the dollar by the end of the year, it’s all still to play for if you’ve hoarded money offshore for years.

“We’re still fooling the EU today,” Davis grinned, “even now people are assuming that Boris Johnson has some plan. Ha! Operation : Thick as minced meat is alive and kicking and the EU haven’t got a clue as to what we’re going to do about Brexit now. Which makes two of us!”

TAKE THAT : Leading Brexiters have hit back at the arrogance of lead EU Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier, today in an incendiary firestorm of nerr nerr.

“Yeah well, so what, do I look bovered?” Andrea Jenkyns was beleived to be first out of the blocks on twitter, “if we face hardship as a result of tje entirely democratic decision to suspend our elected parliament so an autocratic prime minister can willingly force nearly 70m people to stand in ration queues, the EU will suffer too.”

Quite what the suffering will be, apart from a dry cleaning bill, as Global Britain blows its legs off, isn’t entirely clear, until Andrew Bridgen was thought to come up with the answer.

”The EU will have to face consequences of no Nigel Farage in the EU parliament,” one of the wee men of British politics slammed back, “imagine that? The EU’s accounts department will have massive waste on its hands. No one having to audit Brexit Party MEP expense accounts looking for fraud? Suck that up.”

And that won’t be all. Without Farage and his fellow travellers in the EU, the so called parliament is likely to suffer a serious drop in YouTube exposure.

”They better hope some other far right dipshit is prepared to step up to the plate, show up for a few minutes now and then to grandstand, making a joke of their home country and filming it, before buggering off to upload it to YouTube. It’ll be like the EU doesn’t exist anymore.”

Global Britain, now the size of a marble and shrinking. Take that EU! In your face!

BORIS BANDWAGONING : Soon to be crowned PM, Boris de piffle Johnson, has put a mighty Global Briton shot over the creaking, leaky, illegitimate, undemocratic bows of the gutless Brussels technocrats today by threatening them with a No Deal Brexit Ruddorcet missile.

”Just think about YOUR dry cleaning bill if we go for No Deal Brexit?” Rudd is being primed to whistle down at the sovereignty stealers, as she descends on them with more terminal velocity than her credibility.

The recent conversion to No Deal by the disgraced, undisgraced, soon to be re-disgraced cabinet minister is just the weapon in the armoury of bollocks that Mr Johnson needs.

“She was attracted by his work to promote women to positions of power,” our Rudderless Rudd insider revealed, “well, he promotes women to positions, various ones by all accounts. But it’s not only Mr Johnson’s clear determination to further the feminista cause that has attracted Mrs Rudd to his side.”

It’s the leverage of being in a Boris Johnson cabinet.

It’s the power of feeling like a weapon, primed and aimed at Brussels.

“We saw how effective threatening to blow ourselves up and force Brussels to deal with the fall out was for Ms May in negotiations,” the insider comments, “and it’s going to be just as effective for Boris. He hasn’t weakened the knees of the spreadsheet nerds across the channel with years of fabricated, propagandising nonsense for nothing! Their defences are faltering. When the Ruddorcet missile slams into the EU’s undemocratic parliament, well, it’ll be a mushroom! It may even be a cloud.”

To make sure she detonates squarely in Mr Von de legends 52% of illegitimacy’s face changes are going to be needed in Westminster.

“Whoever it is that is currently DExEU secretary? Anyone know? Mr Halifax? Mr TSB? Mr Santander? I don’t know. Some guy who took the chance to go into history’s dustbin when May offered it, he’s going to have to step aside. Rudd is going to be promoted by Boris to Brexit Secretary. And a fuse is going to be lit. Get your popcorn. There’s going to be fireworks.”

Watch out Brussels! We’re going to set off the doomsday device if you don’t give us everything we want! We’re Global Britain! And we know how to explode!

That’s what we talk about when we talk about leverage.

DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I CATCH ONE : ‘Dog Chasing Cars’ by Spaff Patrol has been revealed as the most played song on UK radio, since 23rd June 2016, after a study of music downloads on streaming service Spaffify.

“It’s down to the excellent promotion work by Spaff Patrol’s front man, Boris de workingman Johnson,” our potatriotic music correspondent says, “going old skool with his band, getting on a bus and touring the UK, playing venues large and small is the key to the success.”

But it’s not only the willingness to hit the road and meet the punters that is pegged as boosting Spaff Patrol to the top of the patriot charts.

“Just look up the lyrics of the song, from the album ‘No Border Patrols We’re British’, and it’s Brexit all over, through and through,” our correspondent reveals, “from the first line and on.”

And it’s certain, just like a dog chasing cars, once Spaff Patrol’s Boris Johnson gets hold of the No 1 position in the land, he won’t know what to do with it either.

*Below is the link to ‘Chasing Cars’ to say sorry and thanks to Snow Patrol for the horrifying misuse of their song for the purposes of ripping the piss out of Brexit. It’s for a good cause though. 🙂

https://youtu.be/GemKqzILV4w

BELLY FULL OF SOVEREIGNTY : GREAT NEWS today that Brexit MPs have succeeded in redesigning the British passport blue ration books to instill a sense of patriotism, and a willingness to pay whatever price is needed to make a success of Brexit.

Burnt Jericho MP, supported by Drawn Bridge MP, both hard Brexit pushing Tories, have successfully lobbied DExEU into a rapid redesign of the already warehoused ration books.

“When someone with a grumbling belly, who may perhaps, just perhaps, feel inclined to blame remoaners for feeling more peckish than usual opens one of the British blue food ration books then a bit of Elgar is just the ticket to bring out a sense of unity and common purpose,” Burnt Jericho said, as he proudly stood before a poster sized poor map from the 19th century.

But critics of the redesign have pointed out that ‘God Save The Queen’ would surely have been the way to bring people together.

“I don’t think the song matters too much,” Jericho MP retorted, with a shrug, “as long as it’s a patriotic song. I can see it already. The food ration queues peacefully stretching all the way from the food bank to the ration warehouse, noble Britons holding hands with their ration books open, Elgar ringing from thousands of small microchips at once as the children sing in harmony. A green and pleasant land indeed!”

LCD Views is not entirely convinced songs emanating from ration books will be enough, especially as the music hasn’t been chosen by a simple, advisory referendum.

But we do concur, that a willingness to celebrate the gross failures of ideologically driven politics and avoidable hardships imposed on a trapped populace, are needed to help make a success of Brexit.

If MPs are celebrating food bank warehouses now, just imagine what they’ll celebrate if they ever get what they really want.

A PLAN SO CUNNING YOU COULD STICK A PIN IN IT AND CALL IT A GRENADE : Boris Johnson MP has almost definitely won the prize role of Baldrick in the Westminster farce ‘Blackadder does Brexit” after revealing he has a cunning plan for Brexit.

The audition for the role of the biggest lovable idiot was touch and go for a while, before Boris rescued himself with the detail of his harebrained scheme.

”He’s not very lovable,” our theatre critic commented, “Boris I mean. Baldrick always is, the beaten dog who just keeps showing up optimistically for more, always eager to help. But not Boris. He’s a little miscast. But as the only other actor who wants the role is Jeremy Hunt, well…spoiled for choice isn’t the lot of the casting director.”

But whatever the misgivings of casting a posh, entitled, lazy bully in the role of Baldrick, Boris’ grasp of the detail seems to have won the day.

But what is his cunning plan for Brexit?

”He’s going to take the UK’s entire wealth, and whatever shreds are left of its international reputation and spend it all on a giant turnip.”

That will be a No Deal Brexit?

”Yes. Apparently it’s his dream turnip.”

But critics of the plan fear the turnip will just end up squashed on Mr Johnson’s head out of frustration by Blackadder.

But who is playing Blackadder in the Westminster production of ‘Blackadder does Brexit’?

“That’ll be the great British public,” our critic replied, “we seem to have an endless ability to trust in the plans of idiots.”

INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET OR BRAINS BRAINS : A British woman is under scrutiny today after it was discovered that she’s shared her London home with a corpse for the last three years. A red, white and blue corpse at that.

The woman is understood to have moved into the plush central London address upon taking up a new job in July 2016. According to reports, she carried the corpse in with her.

Police are due to escort the woman when she moves out of the address later in the month.

“She’s going to leave the stinking corpse behind though,” a source inside the address told LCD Views, “this way it can carry on living with the next occupant. Its arms fell off the other day. We just cello taped them back on.”

The corpse is believed to go by the name of Brexit.

“It’s undead,” the source revealed, “it spends its time wandering the halls calling in a long moan for brains, brains. Then it eats the brains of anyone it can get hold of. The woman in question is a good example.”

But with a man set to take up the tenancy, won’t his brain be in danger of being consumed by Brexit also?

“Oh, I think he’s pretty safe,” the source smirked.

But surely, a nice, plump fresh brain will be irresistible to Brexit?

“After seeing how the woman has fared living with Brexit for the last three years, but he now wants to move in and live with the Brexit corpse? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the man in question is already brainless.”

It also doesn’t take a genius to work out it’s time someone took Brexit out the back and buried it.

UK PLC, A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF USA TRUMP CORP – Certainty for voters and business leaders today with the announcement that CEO of America Corp, Donald Trump, is to deliver the next Queen’s speech, to open the new session of parliament.

“This is after it has been prorogued by Boris Johnson to get No Deal Brexit passed parliament,” a source inside Trump corp told LCD Views, “it’s about taking back control. It’s about restoring the sovereignty of parliament into the hands of a tiny hard right, fascist loving, kleptomaniac, faux Darwinian mangling, people hating clique.”

The unconventional move is being made to get the symbols of the UK sub inline with its new owner, after Boris Johnson and his friends have sold their country out lock, stock and barrel to corporate interests across the pond. Just to pretend they’re in power.

“Boris will be regional manager,” the source added, “and he’ll get to live rent free in the regional headquarters in Downing Street. He should be happy enough with that. Well, at least until he blows it and falls out with Trump.”

The delivery of the important speech will change too.

“It will still be delivered from the throne. Only now it will be in the early morning, Washington DC time, when Donald Trump performs his customary voiding of the night’s thoughts via tweet.”

But the text will have a refreshing familiarity.

“It’ll still begin with something like ‘My government’s priority is to secure the best possible price for the NHS’, so everyone knows what Brexit’s best dividend is. Then he’ll break with tradition and begin tweeting out who Boris will appoint as his cabinet. Ivanka Trump is going to be Home Secretary. John Bolton will do Defence. We haven’t thought about the rest, but you’re definitely going to see some changes in the prison sector. Wholly privatised with an emphasis on crime promotion for profit. Expect the war on drugs to ramp up in the UK. Anyway, not to worry, it’ll be tweeted out by Trump.”

UK plc, proudly serving the interests of billionaires in the USA, ever since a majority of the electorate fell asleep.

SOWING AND REAPING : DEFRA, under orders from the top of Government (NYC – Murdoch) has released a ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for the farming sector today to help them better navigate the opportunities Brexit brings to that most earthy of sectors.

“We wanted to lay out a path for farmers to wander down should the unlikely event of a No Deal Brexit come to pass,” A Jolly Green Giant, spokesman for DEFRA, told LCD Views, “many farmers are now asking how they’re supposed to harvest their crops without EU migrant workers? The answer is really very simple. Crop rotation. Tried and tested. Traditional and effective.”

So you advise them to grow food that is less reliant on manual labour?

“Not quite. It’s even simpler. Crop rotation applied to No Deal Brexit is a one turn, a single rotation on the dial. You merely go from crops to no crops. Problem solved.”

But won’t that lead to food shortages?

“Oh, we aren’t claiming to have a crystal ball. We can’t possibly model the impact of not planting food on agriculture.”

Surely, like most things Brexit, whatever the technicalities, it’s actually very simple to forecast. No crops means no food.

“Haven’t you heard that people have had quite enough of experts?”

But they haven’t had quite enough of food.

“There we differ. Obesity is on the rise. Obesity is caused by food. So this strategy is set to save the country millions in health costs. We advise people to use the 5/2 diet. But just to rotate the numbers around once. Instead of fasting for two days, fast for five! It’s very straightforward.”

Tighten your belt?

“Exactly. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to fit into that prize pair of jeans you haven’t been able to wear for twenty years. Remember, worried about food supplies in the event of Brexit? Don’t worry. We’ve got it covered. At least for the catering in parliament.”

CAN YOU FEEL IT : LCD Views in partnership with Going Solo publishers are pleased to announce the release of ‘Brexit Sutra : a guide to screwing yourself hard’.

”We’ve taken inspiration from the classic guides to sexual intercourse, such as the Kama Sutra, but tailored the new work for people who just want to fuck themselves,” Creative Director on the project, Ms A Widdecombe says, “even where some images appear to depict two individuals, there’s not, there’s just one person in front of a mirror. You can talk dirty to your reflection as much as you like and God won’t judge you. As long as you do it alone, in the dark and feel ashamed after.”

There’s also instructions for how to download the playlist that accompanies the guide into your Spotify.

”It’s a very horny song list,” Ms Widdecombe explains, “essentially we’ve taken Tom Jones and Barry White songs and covered them in the manner of Crazy Frog. It’ll get your juices flowing in a certain direction.”

The guide takes such famous joint pursuits as 69 and gives them a Brexit twist.

”Brexiters already have their heads firmly inside their backsides, so that’s close enough to a 69,” the creative director explains, “although personally I’d brush your teeth afterwards.”

The book has an accessible retail price too.

”It’ll only cost you your share of £66bn, oh, and your entire country.”

And the Brexit Sutra is in no rush for you to finish and douche.

”There’s plenty of tips for extending any session of screwing yourself senseless,” Ann grins, “because the step by step how to’s are absolute fantasy. You’ll have to keep extending the effort because finding the end state of perfect bliss will remain illusory.”

But there is one new position included.

”It’s called the unicorn,” Ann says, “you strap an ice cream cone on your head and punch yourself in the butt. It’s my personal favourite.”

Follow up editions are planned.

”We’ll be adding complimentary volumes on how to get completely shafted by the US and China on trade talks. But we’ll be coaching you in sadomasochism, so it feels enjoyable, even if you’re left feeling empty inside.”

Brexit Sutra, can you feel it? It’s that empty feeling inside.