Category: Brexit

BORIS BANDWAGONING : Soon to be crowned PM, Boris de piffle Johnson, has put a mighty Global Briton shot over the creaking, leaky, illegitimate, undemocratic bows of the gutless Brussels technocrats today by threatening them with a No Deal Brexit Ruddorcet missile.

”Just think about YOUR dry cleaning bill if we go for No Deal Brexit?” Rudd is being primed to whistle down at the sovereignty stealers, as she descends on them with more terminal velocity than her credibility.

The recent conversion to No Deal by the disgraced, undisgraced, soon to be re-disgraced cabinet minister is just the weapon in the armoury of bollocks that Mr Johnson needs.

“She was attracted by his work to promote women to positions of power,” our Rudderless Rudd insider revealed, “well, he promotes women to positions, various ones by all accounts. But it’s not only Mr Johnson’s clear determination to further the feminista cause that has attracted Mrs Rudd to his side.”

It’s the leverage of being in a Boris Johnson cabinet.

It’s the power of feeling like a weapon, primed and aimed at Brussels.

“We saw how effective threatening to blow ourselves up and force Brussels to deal with the fall out was for Ms May in negotiations,” the insider comments, “and it’s going to be just as effective for Boris. He hasn’t weakened the knees of the spreadsheet nerds across the channel with years of fabricated, propagandising nonsense for nothing! Their defences are faltering. When the Ruddorcet missile slams into the EU’s undemocratic parliament, well, it’ll be a mushroom! It may even be a cloud.”

To make sure she detonates squarely in Mr Von de legends 52% of illegitimacy’s face changes are going to be needed in Westminster.

“Whoever it is that is currently DExEU secretary? Anyone know? Mr Halifax? Mr TSB? Mr Santander? I don’t know. Some guy who took the chance to go into history’s dustbin when May offered it, he’s going to have to step aside. Rudd is going to be promoted by Boris to Brexit Secretary. And a fuse is going to be lit. Get your popcorn. There’s going to be fireworks.”

Watch out Brussels! We’re going to set off the doomsday device if you don’t give us everything we want! We’re Global Britain! And we know how to explode!

That’s what we talk about when we talk about leverage.

DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I CATCH ONE : ‘Dog Chasing Cars’ by Spaff Patrol has been revealed as the most played song on UK radio, since 23rd June 2016, after a study of music downloads on streaming service Spaffify.

“It’s down to the excellent promotion work by Spaff Patrol’s front man, Boris de workingman Johnson,” our potatriotic music correspondent says, “going old skool with his band, getting on a bus and touring the UK, playing venues large and small is the key to the success.”

But it’s not only the willingness to hit the road and meet the punters that is pegged as boosting Spaff Patrol to the top of the patriot charts.

“Just look up the lyrics of the song, from the album ‘No Border Patrols We’re British’, and it’s Brexit all over, through and through,” our correspondent reveals, “from the first line and on.”

And it’s certain, just like a dog chasing cars, once Spaff Patrol’s Boris Johnson gets hold of the No 1 position in the land, he won’t know what to do with it either.

*Below is the link to ‘Chasing Cars’ to say sorry and thanks to Snow Patrol for the horrifying misuse of their song for the purposes of ripping the piss out of Brexit. It’s for a good cause though. 🙂

https://youtu.be/GemKqzILV4w

BELLY FULL OF SOVEREIGNTY : GREAT NEWS today that Brexit MPs have succeeded in redesigning the British passport blue ration books to instill a sense of patriotism, and a willingness to pay whatever price is needed to make a success of Brexit.

Burnt Jericho MP, supported by Drawn Bridge MP, both hard Brexit pushing Tories, have successfully lobbied DExEU into a rapid redesign of the already warehoused ration books.

“When someone with a grumbling belly, who may perhaps, just perhaps, feel inclined to blame remoaners for feeling more peckish than usual opens one of the British blue food ration books then a bit of Elgar is just the ticket to bring out a sense of unity and common purpose,” Burnt Jericho said, as he proudly stood before a poster sized poor map from the 19th century.

But critics of the redesign have pointed out that ‘God Save The Queen’ would surely have been the way to bring people together.

“I don’t think the song matters too much,” Jericho MP retorted, with a shrug, “as long as it’s a patriotic song. I can see it already. The food ration queues peacefully stretching all the way from the food bank to the ration warehouse, noble Britons holding hands with their ration books open, Elgar ringing from thousands of small microchips at once as the children sing in harmony. A green and pleasant land indeed!”

LCD Views is not entirely convinced songs emanating from ration books will be enough, especially as the music hasn’t been chosen by a simple, advisory referendum.

But we do concur, that a willingness to celebrate the gross failures of ideologically driven politics and avoidable hardships imposed on a trapped populace, are needed to help make a success of Brexit.

If MPs are celebrating food bank warehouses now, just imagine what they’ll celebrate if they ever get what they really want.

A PLAN SO CUNNING YOU COULD STICK A PIN IN IT AND CALL IT A GRENADE : Boris Johnson MP has almost definitely won the prize role of Baldrick in the Westminster farce ‘Blackadder does Brexit” after revealing he has a cunning plan for Brexit.

The audition for the role of the biggest lovable idiot was touch and go for a while, before Boris rescued himself with the detail of his harebrained scheme.

”He’s not very lovable,” our theatre critic commented, “Boris I mean. Baldrick always is, the beaten dog who just keeps showing up optimistically for more, always eager to help. But not Boris. He’s a little miscast. But as the only other actor who wants the role is Jeremy Hunt, well…spoiled for choice isn’t the lot of the casting director.”

But whatever the misgivings of casting a posh, entitled, lazy bully in the role of Baldrick, Boris’ grasp of the detail seems to have won the day.

But what is his cunning plan for Brexit?

”He’s going to take the UK’s entire wealth, and whatever shreds are left of its international reputation and spend it all on a giant turnip.”

That will be a No Deal Brexit?

”Yes. Apparently it’s his dream turnip.”

But critics of the plan fear the turnip will just end up squashed on Mr Johnson’s head out of frustration by Blackadder.

But who is playing Blackadder in the Westminster production of ‘Blackadder does Brexit’?

“That’ll be the great British public,” our critic replied, “we seem to have an endless ability to trust in the plans of idiots.”

INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET OR BRAINS BRAINS : A British woman is under scrutiny today after it was discovered that she’s shared her London home with a corpse for the last three years. A red, white and blue corpse at that.

The woman is understood to have moved into the plush central London address upon taking up a new job in July 2016. According to reports, she carried the corpse in with her.

Police are due to escort the woman when she moves out of the address later in the month.

“She’s going to leave the stinking corpse behind though,” a source inside the address told LCD Views, “this way it can carry on living with the next occupant. Its arms fell off the other day. We just cello taped them back on.”

The corpse is believed to go by the name of Brexit.

“It’s undead,” the source revealed, “it spends its time wandering the halls calling in a long moan for brains, brains. Then it eats the brains of anyone it can get hold of. The woman in question is a good example.”

But with a man set to take up the tenancy, won’t his brain be in danger of being consumed by Brexit also?

“Oh, I think he’s pretty safe,” the source smirked.

But surely, a nice, plump fresh brain will be irresistible to Brexit?

“After seeing how the woman has fared living with Brexit for the last three years, but he now wants to move in and live with the Brexit corpse? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the man in question is already brainless.”

It also doesn’t take a genius to work out it’s time someone took Brexit out the back and buried it.

UK PLC, A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF USA TRUMP CORP – Certainty for voters and business leaders today with the announcement that CEO of America Corp, Donald Trump, is to deliver the next Queen’s speech, to open the new session of parliament.

“This is after it has been prorogued by Boris Johnson to get No Deal Brexit passed parliament,” a source inside Trump corp told LCD Views, “it’s about taking back control. It’s about restoring the sovereignty of parliament into the hands of a tiny hard right, fascist loving, kleptomaniac, faux Darwinian mangling, people hating clique.”

The unconventional move is being made to get the symbols of the UK sub inline with its new owner, after Boris Johnson and his friends have sold their country out lock, stock and barrel to corporate interests across the pond. Just to pretend they’re in power.

“Boris will be regional manager,” the source added, “and he’ll get to live rent free in the regional headquarters in Downing Street. He should be happy enough with that. Well, at least until he blows it and falls out with Trump.”

The delivery of the important speech will change too.

“It will still be delivered from the throne. Only now it will be in the early morning, Washington DC time, when Donald Trump performs his customary voiding of the night’s thoughts via tweet.”

But the text will have a refreshing familiarity.

“It’ll still begin with something like ‘My government’s priority is to secure the best possible price for the NHS’, so everyone knows what Brexit’s best dividend is. Then he’ll break with tradition and begin tweeting out who Boris will appoint as his cabinet. Ivanka Trump is going to be Home Secretary. John Bolton will do Defence. We haven’t thought about the rest, but you’re definitely going to see some changes in the prison sector. Wholly privatised with an emphasis on crime promotion for profit. Expect the war on drugs to ramp up in the UK. Anyway, not to worry, it’ll be tweeted out by Trump.”

UK plc, proudly serving the interests of billionaires in the USA, ever since a majority of the electorate fell asleep.

SOWING AND REAPING : DEFRA, under orders from the top of Government (NYC – Murdoch) has released a ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for the farming sector today to help them better navigate the opportunities Brexit brings to that most earthy of sectors.

“We wanted to lay out a path for farmers to wander down should the unlikely event of a No Deal Brexit come to pass,” A Jolly Green Giant, spokesman for DEFRA, told LCD Views, “many farmers are now asking how they’re supposed to harvest their crops without EU migrant workers? The answer is really very simple. Crop rotation. Tried and tested. Traditional and effective.”

So you advise them to grow food that is less reliant on manual labour?

“Not quite. It’s even simpler. Crop rotation applied to No Deal Brexit is a one turn, a single rotation on the dial. You merely go from crops to no crops. Problem solved.”

But won’t that lead to food shortages?

“Oh, we aren’t claiming to have a crystal ball. We can’t possibly model the impact of not planting food on agriculture.”

Surely, like most things Brexit, whatever the technicalities, it’s actually very simple to forecast. No crops means no food.

“Haven’t you heard that people have had quite enough of experts?”

But they haven’t had quite enough of food.

“There we differ. Obesity is on the rise. Obesity is caused by food. So this strategy is set to save the country millions in health costs. We advise people to use the 5/2 diet. But just to rotate the numbers around once. Instead of fasting for two days, fast for five! It’s very straightforward.”

Tighten your belt?

“Exactly. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to fit into that prize pair of jeans you haven’t been able to wear for twenty years. Remember, worried about food supplies in the event of Brexit? Don’t worry. We’ve got it covered. At least for the catering in parliament.”

CAN YOU FEEL IT : LCD Views in partnership with Going Solo publishers are pleased to announce the release of ‘Brexit Sutra : a guide to screwing yourself hard’.

”We’ve taken inspiration from the classic guides to sexual intercourse, such as the Kama Sutra, but tailored the new work for people who just want to fuck themselves,” Creative Director on the project, Ms A Widdecombe says, “even where some images appear to depict two individuals, there’s not, there’s just one person in front of a mirror. You can talk dirty to your reflection as much as you like and God won’t judge you. As long as you do it alone, in the dark and feel ashamed after.”

There’s also instructions for how to download the playlist that accompanies the guide into your Spotify.

”It’s a very horny song list,” Ms Widdecombe explains, “essentially we’ve taken Tom Jones and Barry White songs and covered them in the manner of Crazy Frog. It’ll get your juices flowing in a certain direction.”

The guide takes such famous joint pursuits as 69 and gives them a Brexit twist.

”Brexiters already have their heads firmly inside their backsides, so that’s close enough to a 69,” the creative director explains, “although personally I’d brush your teeth afterwards.”

The book has an accessible retail price too.

”It’ll only cost you your share of £66bn, oh, and your entire country.”

And the Brexit Sutra is in no rush for you to finish and douche.

”There’s plenty of tips for extending any session of screwing yourself senseless,” Ann grins, “because the step by step how to’s are absolute fantasy. You’ll have to keep extending the effort because finding the end state of perfect bliss will remain illusory.”

But there is one new position included.

”It’s called the unicorn,” Ann says, “you strap an ice cream cone on your head and punch yourself in the butt. It’s my personal favourite.”

Follow up editions are planned.

”We’ll be adding complimentary volumes on how to get completely shafted by the US and China on trade talks. But we’ll be coaching you in sadomasochism, so it feels enjoyable, even if you’re left feeling empty inside.”

Brexit Sutra, can you feel it? It’s that empty feeling inside.

BREXIT BLASTOCYST : The organisers of a recent nocturnal, far right rally explained today why the event was staged at night, in a warehouse, in the dark, with the lights turned off.

“The air raid sirens were played because the people attending are idiots,” the organiser revealed, “although the ones paying for and orchestrating the rally are far more dangerous and devious. Milkshakes were banned out of fear of friendly fire incidents. So too garlic, holy water and crosses.”

The rally itself was merely staged for propaganda purposes so that the owner of the Brexit Party can use footage in social media outputs.

“I hope that it was clear why none of the rabble attending the rally were allowed to come to the VIP event afterwards,” the organiser added, “they’re only needed as props. Mr Nigel Fuhrage can’t be having to rub up alongside so much sweaty gammon for too long. He can’t physically transport the amount of hand sanitiser around that would be required.”

But the undead attending the rally didn’t go home empty handed, even if they went home as empty headed as they’d arrived.

“They got to fetishise a war they never fought in in which tens millions of people died. Given the average age of the attendees, they won’t be required to fight in any subsequent conflict either. And they were given a blue glow stick. Which was nice. It’ll splutter out and fade away just like the pretence to concern shown them by the organisers.”

But what about holding the next one in daylight so they whole world can see?

“Oh no, that would allow contrasts with pro-EU demonstrations and reveal how paltry the attendance actually is,” the organiser smiled, “oh and for health and safety reasons, as those attending catch fire in sunlight.”

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : Tory leadership hopeful, Jeremy Hunt (MP for Freak-on-Eyes), is bringing the kind of panache to the leadership race that only an inheritance multi-millionaire can.

“I’ll burn every job on the face of the planet, if that’s the only way to deliver Brexit,’ a smiling Mr Hunt said candidly, during a secretive, late night interview in a graveyard of political principles.

Mr Hunt was in the graveyard to dig up the body of the Honestly and we popped along to give him a hand.

“Here, grab the legs. I do this with a heavy heart, but I’m advised working as a resurrection man will give me street cred with the hipsters who decide if it’s me or Boris at the end of July.”

Next he asked us to bring his wheelbarrow a little bit closer. Honestly was buried next to Integrity, which was next to Any Semblance of Common Sense.

”I’ll also slash corporation tax, with a heavy heart,” he advised, “and you know the fresher the NHS is when you deliver it, the more they pay you. Of course we need to Brexit first so we can finish off the health service.”

But what about jobs? Given we are now so impressively insane politically, that a candidate to be PM feels it necessary to promise to destroy the livelihoods of hardworking British taxpayers?

”Well I’ll be tough on jobs,” he nodded, putting the shovel on top of the body, “and tougher on the causes of jobs.”

That’s one hell of a Brexit policy. It’s a wonder Boris Johnson didn’t think of it first.

”Oh, he’s too busy looking for a room to rent on sparerooms, or airbandb or whatever it is young lovers on the run use to protect their privacy,” Mr Hunt replied, “between looking for somewhere to sleep each night and his arts and craft hobby, I’m surprised he has time to campaign.”

So which jobs in particular will you be tough on?

”Manual workers. Manufacturing. Low skilled ones like teachers and nurses. Firemen? The rest of those will go in the waves of fresh austerity following any Brexit. Financial Services. Higher Education. It really doesn’t matter. If it employs people and provides self worth and stability, it’s dead. By the time I’m finished only inheritance millionaires will be in work. I parked my van over there. Let’s load up and get out of here.”

Where are we taking Honesty?

”To the nearest Conservative Party Hustings. If I can’t put it up on a scaffold before 0.3% of the population and show them it’s lifeless I don’t have a chance of winning.”

I’m surprised Boris hasn’t got here before you.

“Oh, he didn’t even realise political Honesty’s dead. He had no use for it when it was alive.”