Category: Brexit

The stakes are high, and the chips are down. Gamblin’ man Boris Johnson is betting his reputation, his party and your country on one last desperate throw of the dice.

Europe is the playboard. Opposite Boris sits a calm, professional figure, expensively dressed yet understated. Having once held all the cards, the UK team has had to hand them over, one by one, to an opponent who prepared properly and knows how to play the game.

The UK has one player left: Boris Johnson, the maverick who was parachuted in when Theresa May threatened to fold.

He sits there, gibbering quietly, trembling mildly, a single bead of sweat on the forehead under the artfully tousled hair. His shadowy opponent wonders idly if Boris is sufficiently deranged to follow through on his threat to throw his country onto the table

I’m winning, he thinks. I have little to lose. Boris is psyching himself up to risk everything on one roll of the dice. Even if he wins, I’m coming out on top. And if he loses, he’s out of here, knowing he will have ‘the boys’ after him to make him clear his debts.

Johnson is debating whether to put his house on it. Your house. Do or die? Do I dare? Who dares wins? One lucky roll and I’m straight. Lose, and it’s oblivion. The glistening drop of clear liquid slowly rolls down his cheek, as if he were crying over the impossible choice laid before him. One last roll of the dice, or – what?

Walk away from the game, having realised that you have bitten off more than you can chew? Leave the table, poorer but wiser, but with the respect of your opponent for having made a mature choice? Shake hands and say ‘sorry old boy, well played’? Will Boris blink?

It remains to be seen whether Boris has the balls to match his rhetoric, or if he is just all mouth but no trousers.

LIE OR LIE : Temporary Caesar of the breakaway province of Littleus Englandus, Boris “Mentula” Johnson, has promised 100 days of “Do or Die” games to celebrate Brexit.

The celebration, said to be the brainchild of the unelected bureaucrat, Dominic Cummings, is planned to begin in the run up to the festival of freedom known as Halloween, carry on through the growing wish fulfilment of Guy Fawkes and continue into the New Year and food rationing.

Christmas will not feature in the festivities as it will be cancelled to help pay for No Deal Brexit.

”It’s really just to distract the plebs from the wholesale sell off of their state that will begin at the stroke of midnight on the 14th of December,” our games analyst, Mrs Gladi Ator reveals, “there will be prizes for everyone forced to take part. Insulin, which you can resell on the thriving black market. Bread which you can trade for clean water. Clean water which you can trade for aspirins. Aspirins which you can trade for tinder. And so on. It will all tie in seamlessly with the realities of the post-Brexit economy.”

It’s thought Caeser Johnson himself may even take part in some of the games.

”Chasing the Fillies, an aged old classic, will be Caesar’s jolly,” our specialist suspects, “with fruity blonde women rounded up from the general population and made to run around the amphitheater with Johnson in hot pursuit.”

But who is likely to perish in the games? Without blood and guts there won’t be mass distraction?

”The car industry. That’ll be the first to fall. Then the pharmaceuticals. Financial services. All the big beasts will go down. And best of all, the people will have voted for it.”

Make Britannia Great Again? Thumbs up or thumbs down?

PENNY OF FOOLISH POUND OF DUMB : News this morning that the UK’s currency, Pound Sterling, is to stand trial for treason.

”This is a first for any major, global currency,” Sajid Javid, temporary Chancellor of the Chequered, told LCD Views, “but a message must be sent that no one is above the law, except the serving cabinet ministers of Global Britain.”

The trial will take place in public in a specially constructed wooden amphitheater built in the shape of a kangaroo.

”I think the result is a foregone conclusion,” our legal eagle took a punt (as the pound is soon to be worthless), “the pound has given itself away with its relentless remoaning and failing to believe in Brexit. It has to pay. Although presumably it will pay in a currency such as Euros or USD, because who is holding pounds?”

The only glitch in the decision appears to be a difficulty in apprehending the pound.

”It’s working with malicious foreign actors,” our specialist revealed, “swapping itself into other currencies constantly. This is the evidence and the act of treason. But of course as soon as it has taken refuge in another currency it can’t easily be apprehended and stood in the dock.”

But the government has a way around that classic bit of fiscal espionage.

”We will soon be printing billions and billions and billions of new patriotic pounds,” Mr Javid said proudly, “and as soon as they’re seen turning into a dollar they’ll be banned from foreign flight and tried for treason as a warning to the currency to boost itself, or else.”

None of this would even be necessary if the Telegraph could just print that remainers had started believing in Brexit.

THE NAVIGATOR : The British Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic “the domino” Raab, risks upsetting an eager Commonwealth today after he announced his intention to seek swift FTA’s with alternative places first, post Brexit.

”They’re gagging for it anyway,” Dominic Raab smugly smiled, appearing before the Exiting the EU parliamentary committee this lunch time, “they’ve already whipped their knickers off after seeing my unblinking demeaning demeanour. We can hit other hot spots first. Laurasia. Does the European Union trade with them? Or do they slap them with pernicious tariffs in a protectionist racket designed to keep the single market single? Well, I say it should be polyamorous. And that’s what Brexit Britain will be.”

After this outburst, Raab’s pulsating vein of a brain had more to say, but this time more relaxed, almost dreamlike.

”You know before I studied the map that someone in my department pinned to the wall, next to the portrait of me,” Dominic “uncharted territories” Raab revealed, “I hadn’t quite fully appreciated that America and Africa were joined in one land mass. This will makes sorting out FTA’s much easier. We can just walk from one to the other.”

Other surprises were also related.

”We have no intention of putting a customs border down the Pangea Sea,” he asserted, “if that happens that will be the fault of the EU and its bullying intransigence.”

Then he wrapped it up with what seemed a repetition of his earlier questions about Laurasia.

”Seriously, what tariffs does the EU impose on Laurasia?” he asked, still throbbing at the temples, “I’d like to know. I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me.”

HEAVY FOOTED POUNDING : The United Kingston’s fiat currency, Pound Sterling, has been gagged by Downing Street today to stop news of its continued unpatriotic slide.

”It’s a bloody remonaner,” a newly appointed treasury official commented IN DISGUST, “it’s been told to be more dollar and to shut up!”

But although the gagging order effectively prevents the currency talking to news media, it seems not everyone has got the memo.

”A penny must be leaking it to the markets,” the official, whose last job was coordinating carpet bagging strategies for Vote Gammon added, “a bad penny. An unpatriotic BAD PENNY GLOOMSAYING AMD TALKING GLOBAL BRITONS DOWN.”

And while the swift action of the new administration in Downing Street may at least squeeze the squeeze on sterling and buffer the buffeting, it seems international investors are still choosing to put their money elsewhere. Such as the currencies of countries that have not gone completely insane.

”It’s good for exporters,” the official explained, “it means they can pay more for the components they import and charge more when they export. They’re getting richer. We’re all getting richer. You now need to take more pounds with you when you go on holiday. Which means you have more pounds. It’s not just the disaster capitalists organising all these with their useful idiot frontmen in politics that are GETTING EVEN RICHER.”

But pressured to explain why he has gagged the currency, prime minister Boris Johnson sought to divert attention away from the topic.

”Who doesn’t like a good, strong powerful pound? What ho!” before rushing out the back door in search of a front door to rush into.

READILY DISPOSABLE COMMODITY : A Brexit solution trial run, conducted over the weekend in the Brecon Beacons, has been hailed as a roaring success.

“A team from the University of Rocket Sciences and Brain surgeries wanted to see what would be the best way to solve that now age old problem of Brexit,” our hedge correspondent reports, “attacking it with logic proved largely pointless. So too appeals to the angels of Brexiters better nature, largely because they were found not to have any angels. So in the end the team decided to treat Brexit like the trash it is and just discard it in a hedge.”

And how did that work out?

”It was a complete success. The team dusted off their hands and walked away. In minutes even those in the group who had voted Leave had completely forgotten about it.”

So that’s Brexit solved then?

”Yes. The hedge has been cordoned off in case Brexit becomes toxic as it decays, but that is just a precaution. No one now can remember the exact hedge on the A…A4….well, the A road that was chosen for the experiment.”

Does this mean that Article 50 has now been revoked?

”That’s the only catch. The team demonstrated how easy it is to get rid of one particular Brexit. But, and this is the snag, there are so very many of them. For this solution to be nationwide extra hedges will have to be grown, right across the UK. Although predominantly in England.”

Isn’t there a way to speed the process up?

”Yes. You’ve already mentioned it. Revoke Article 50. Then instead of spending £100 million attempting to baffle and bullshit people into going to No Deal Brexit like lambs to the slaughter, the money could be spent on the NHS…”

World War Three is almost upon us. The signs are all present: a government out of control, the press propagating propaganda, and stockpiling food.

The only difference this time is that the aggressor is not the Germans. The UK is going, gloriously, to war against the UK.

The traitors, saboteurs and enemies of the people will line up against the moderates who would rather stay in the EU.

People holidaying on beaches are preparing to fight for the right to erect a blue flag.

A flotilla of lilos and other inflatables is being prepared to rescue valiant Tommy Robinson supporters from the sandbanks, cut off by the rising tide.

Ration books are being produced, secretly, on the cheap in France. They will serve no valid purpose, but will raise morale by having blue covers.

The cry of “Dig For Britain!” has gone up. This means trendy people in London will be able to harvest their own avocados by the time other food supplies are cut off next March.

Meanwhile in mainland Europe, amusement reigns. “Ve vill vatch vhile zey beat zemselves up,” said Hans Together, rubbing his palms. “And none of ze scheisse about ze Chermans putting towels down!”

“Eet ees, ‘ow you say, ‘ilarious,” agreed Cherie Picking. “‘op off, you rosbifs! And ’ands off le vin blanc and le Camembert!”

Hard cheese for the valiant Brits in their uncivil war is the message from Europe, it seems and only the devotees of the cult of Farage are surprised.

The BBC is doing its bit for the war effort. It is producing a special edition of Casualty, in which the patient is the truth.

The death penalty is being brought back, for “people we don’t like,” according to a government spokesman. People are rejoicing as traditional trades, like constructing gallows, return.

So the Wars of the Passports are due to kick off. It’s burgundy versus blue. Sharpen your rhetoric and polish your speeches. Don’t forget your tinfoil hats!

DAZED AND CON-FUSED : BRITAIN’S worst prime minister, Boris Johnson, is to repeat the mistakes of Britain’s other worst prime minister, Theresa May, but to do it a hell of a lot faster.

“We only need 100 days to do over May’s time in office,” an aide to Boris Johnson said, “because she’s laid out the pattern. It’ll just look different because the bucket is different, but it’s the same shit inside. This is because we won’t acknowledge the real world either, until it’s too late to salvage our credibility, just like May.”

The evidence for this is all over, if you just look behind the bluster and bollocks. And step aside from the fear of so many disgraced and dubious people being back on the inside.

“The sloganeering is the same May started with. Do or Die Brexit is Brexit means Brexit, or No Deal is Better Than A Bad Deal. Believe in Britain is Red, White and Blue Brexit. It’s the same nonsense, just re-presented and blasted out of a bumbling, blonde megaphone instead of a Maybot.”

But because the time frame is much narrower, old Johnson will have to smash through the stages. Bravado will achieve nought. He’ll realise (he already knows) he needs to increase his commons majority to do what he says he will. He’ll keep saying there’s no GE and then he’ll call for a GE. He’ll lose, just like May did.

“That’s the chance to stop this repetitive, attritional trench war against ourselves,” the aide said, “and Boris knows it. One big roll of the die. Do or Die! What ho!”

So be ready. Don’t believe the hype. Reality+EU will grind Boris up just like it did those who came before. He can pretend to might all he likes, but the actuality of difference in relative power is the shadow spreading over his head.

“Can you see Johnson trying to govern in the same neurotic, control freak way of May? A man with an ego the size of Jupiter is going to be called up each and every day by any number of MPs, for who he holds only contempt, and threatened with a loss of a vote if he doesn’t give way? No,”

“we’re just grateful Labour didn’t table a VONC for the first day back in September. Win or lose it, it would have ruined our summer. It would have been a serious distraction, sitting there on Boris’s desk, a complete turd sandwich, only getting smellier with each gaffe and fresh offence over the summer. But that’s out of the way. Thanks Jezza! A summer of data mining and campaigning is the play and then to the polls. It’ll all be over by Christmas.”

There is a GE coming. Be ready for one. It’s on its way.

PORKY TORY : “Boris Johnson is capable of forming a stable government” outgoing prime minister Theresa May is expected to tell Queen Elizabeth sometime this week.

”It will be Maybot’s biggest whopper yet,” a palace insider told LCD Views, “I mean she doesn’t exactly have a reputation for honesty as it is. She’s thought to have started off lying to Her Majesty about stitching up the deal with the DUP when she hadn’t. So it’s a kind of symmetry I suppose. End as she started.”

But the exact wording the Brexit patsy, Theresa May, will use isn’t certain, as she may attempt a bit of fudge.

“I’m hoping she’ll say something like, as stable as any of his romantic relationships, give the old girl a bit of wriggle room,” one of the Maybot’s technicians said, “trying to code it into her right now. There’s a chance the Queen will smell a rat though and just say no.”

And how stable any Boris Johnson government will be will be decided by Brexit anyway. The creature he helped birth into the world, most of it from his arse.

“I don’t think everyone should be too discouraged if Johnson gets into No 10,” our political analyst says, “can you imagine each day the list of people, MPs, he hasn’t called back, who have phoned him up the day before to threaten him if he doesn’t give them what they want. He has a majority of sweet f all. He’s going to sink and sink fast.”

It’s certain of course we’ll hear a lot more now of “keep Jeremy Corbyn out of Downing Street” from Boris and co, which will just perplex the massive wedge of floating voters Johnson will have to grab to win a bigger majority at the inevitable GE.

“Jeremy Corbyn is quite capable of keeping himself out of government,” our analyst noted, “as the succession of other leaders in government, without him having a sniff of power, just proves. I would focus on other things. Like how to revoke article 50 and not be the last prime minister of the United Kingdom.”

In the meantime Ms May is putting on her kitten heels, her billion dollar leather trousers and a necklace up-cycled from a frigate’s anchor chain and getting ready to go and see the Queen, for the last time.

I’d like to say, see, it’s not all bad, at least the aged monarch no longer has to put up with the terrified and neurotic rabbit in Brexit’s headlights, but of course, right after May it’s send in the clown…

IT’S NOT MY BLOODY SPROG : Boris Johnson is not one to be accused of failing to plan or prepare. Even now, as he exhorts the United Kingdom to shaft itself with his idea of Brexit, he is planning for how to cope with the aftermath. In a purely personal capacity of course.

“When it all goes tits up and our bum is in the air I’ll tell them it wasn’t my idea,” Mr Johnson is believed to have whispered into the ear of a willing, if foolish, young filly, “then I’ll promise to call them to see how they’re going before getting out of Blighty!”

The plan, which involves a cast of wide eyed Tory stooges, is to identify key members of parliament who sabotaged what would otherwise have been a Titanic success.

“Clearly Ms May is to blame, if only she’d believed in Britain,” Mr Johnson is preparing to say, “she handed me a stick covered in poop and I did the best I could with it.”

But don’t think the EU will escape his ire either, when Brexit ends in humiliation and failure.

“If only old Barnier had been a friend to us,” Mr Johnson will sigh, “the intransigence of the EU is to blame. We could have found a solution to the Irish Border problem if they’d just believed hard enough, rather than trying to punish us.”

What Britannia herself will be doing, barefoot in the kitchen, screeching baby Brexit in her arms, is anyone’s guess.

“Don’t call me. It’s not my baby,” Boris will say, as he waves her goodbye and begins a new life in the United States, “I only shafted the entire country.”