Category: Brexit

The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what he says he will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, recorded a high production value video earlier today to make a tantalising offer.

“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the PM told a country having a hard time remaining a country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because it distracts from my estranged wife’s cancer treatment while I work out how to get my young girlfriend credibility. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”

The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the man burn, while setting fire to the country.

Why set fire to your country? Because that’s what respecting the result of the referendum means. We all know this now. Either you expect to gain financially or politically, or both.

”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later about the PM’s offer, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”

Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.

”I’ll strike the bally match for him! What ho! What a hoot!” a Nosferatu tribute act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate the land with feudalism and rule the serfs with a rod of iron.”

How could any of this possibly go wrong? Especially as the burning is currently scheduled for Halloween.

French windows are a cultural abomination, says the government. In a new cultural purity drive, all European influences in Britain’s architecture will be banned.

“It’s cultural appropriation!” thundered Government wonk Tim Berframe. “This great country, this England, must return to English architecture, and only traditional English construction and features! French windows are, well, right out of the window.”

The cultural purity drive is all-consuming. Dutch gables have also been proscribed, and all buildings possessing one will be demolished.

“It’s the only way,” explained Berframe. “Brexit means Brexit. If we are going to break free from Europe, then it must be all or nothing!”

Berframe lists building materials that will be banned following No Deal. “Bricks, they are a Roman invention,” he said, ticking them off on his stubby fingers. “So is concrete. Steel, the bloody Romans as well, and modern steel was invented in Prague, so that’s out. Only indigenous materials may be used, like mud and sticks.”

Brexit means we will all have to live in mud huts. “Yes, Wattle and daub is hugely underrated. English windows may be unglazed for ventilation, but you may use glass if you want, that’s English,” interjected Berframe. “And wooden shutters. But absolutely no Venetian blinds!”

Meanwhile there is the important issue of what to do with all the French windows. “Send ‘em back!” retorts Berframe. “Remove them at once. Spray the polluted area with a decontaminant. Replace them with those dangly plastic things your granny used to have. Take the French windows to France. Their windows, their problem!

Berframe foresees a time when every Briton will make a last pilgrimage to the Continent of Evil™ with all their Roman bricks, Italian marble, German skirtings, IKEA furniture, and French windows naturally. They will be stranded on the other side, unless they own a fine English Morgan of course. “We need to invoke the Dunkirk Spirit!” said Berframe happily.

If French windows are out, then French fries, French kissing and French letters cannot be far behind. It is rumoured that Dawn French has had to go into hiding.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD, FOR BREXIT : Great news for patriots who want to dismantle modern life as we know it today with the latest poll from hard right, tax haven serving, US neocon enabling, shitrag propaganda outfit, The Daily Telegraph.

“So many British people want Brexit they’re prepared for millions and millions more of them than actually exist to die to achieve it,” Telegraph poll expert, Mr Soulle Sold, told their sister publication, LCD Views (one of us was adopted from an adoption service for little baby Satans made in Hell, and we know who).

The poll result will be a boost for the beleaguered administration of Boris “shagger” Johnson, struggling daily to get enough people to buy their lies in the hope of making a killing.

“Efforts are underway now to capture some squirrels from the North American wild reservoir of the famous disease, yersini pestis, and bottle up a sample and then get it to the lab and modify it into a form readily contagious to humans.”

In expectation of the mass plague event the Gove-rnment is reportedly spending £5bn pounds on wheelbarrows and carts big enough to carry your average village’s fresh dead to pits.

“It’s not just cattle, sheep and random alpacas that will be on the burning countryside pyres to make a success of No Deal Brexit when winter harries Mighty Britannia in late 2019,” Mr Soulle Sold commented, “but readily infected, hard working British men, women and children.”

But critics have been quick to point out that polling firm ConRes, contracted to conduct the poll, maybe guilty of asking leading questions designed to achieve the result.

“The question in the poll was, ‘Would you support everyone’s best friend Boris ending parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom in order to achieve No Deal Brexit, if it got you in the pants of someone you’ve ached privately to shag like forever, and instantly made you a multiple millionaire by magic?’, which is not misleading and very straightforward, in my estimation,” Mr Sold shrugged.

To make transmission of the Black Death more effective patriots are asked to stand especially close to anyone who looks peekish in coming weeks and to bathe in their bodily fluids as they explode out of the traditional, British pustules in their armpits.

“Oh, and their groins.”

Yes, and their haemorrhaging groins.

Brexit, let’s make a success of it, no matter what the cost. Tax dodgers are depending on it.

Dire warnings about Brexit have been plentiful recently. Both remainers and experts are agreed – Brexit is a crock of shit. Remainers expect to be blamed for it. But what if Brexit goes really well? That will be our fault too, remainers say.

Spokes-webmaster for the ‘Remain Is Best, Honest!’ group on Facepalm is Suki Tupp. She has seen the remain community blamed for everything from wet weather to England not winning the World Cup last time out.

“I’m sick of being the scapegoat for everybody and everything,” wrote Tupp on a recent group post. “Everything is our fault, apparently, so it’s about time we took credit for some of the good stuff too.”

Like the summer weather. “The hottest day on record is down to us remainers,” she continued. “Since all the heatstroke-related incidents are our fault somehow!”

Ditto the torrential rainstorms. “That dam that was close to breaking, that was blamed on us,” she wrote. “So let’s take credit for the successful remedial action, and in the wider scheme of things, England’s green and pleasant land! So far removed from the scorched-earth leavers.”

Then Brexit of course. “Naturally, a group of concerned citizens in cyberspace, as far removed from the corridors of power as Boris Johnson’s humility, has no influence upon government policy,” she states. “We think it’s undeliverable; therefore they say this is due to our lack of belief. But what if Brexit is a resounding success after all?”

Tupp left a dramatic pause in her post at this point, then resumed getting to the point very slowly indeed.

“What if we were all wrong? What if Brexit is all that was promised, and more?” she asks rhetorically. “Will it still be our fault?”

A question to which nobody had an adequate reply. Loyal remainers didn’t want to admit to being wrong, ever. Leavers on the page hated the suggestion that their victory was to someone else’s credit.

We won, you lost, but in fact we all won, and the losers take the spoils. Suck it up.

Life’s a beach! Summer holidays have been cut short because a suspicious individual left even more suspicious stuff on the shore.

Families in Worthing are at their wits’ ends. “There’s no way I can keep the kids out of the arcades now,” complained mum Enda Matether. “It’s hard enough to persuade them to have another donkey ride without rumours of dodgy characters on the front!”

The dodgy character is described as being male, blond, and distinctly upper class. He is believed to have left a lethal substance half buried in the sand.

Local police have been investigating. “Evening all,” remarked PC Gonmadd, waving his truncheon suggestively. “The beach is out of bounds until further notice. There’s some nasty stuff down there, and I don’t mean the donkey poo!”

The noxious fumes emanating from the beach have already had an impact on the town. The smell has driven away all the eastern European plumbers and barmaids. There is an unpleasant odour of smog and rationing. Parts of Worthing have turned black-and-white. It’s like a return to the 1950s, though how you can tell in Worthing is hard to say.

Things have become so bad that the holidaymakers of Worthing are considering bringing in an expert.

“I mean, the police are stretched to breaking point already,” moaned Matether. “Several keyboard warriors, three have a go heroes and a retired colonel have all tried to tackle it. All are convinced that they have what it takes.”

“It was no good,” said Gonmadd. “The warriors returned, white-faced, whispering ‘project fear’. The heroes proposed a technological solution, and the colonel declared it was all for the best. But none of them could shift it!”

Meanwhile, the blond saboteur left a trail of innuendo and seaside postcards. “He was in and out of my back door in a flash,” reminisced landlady Holly Day-Romance. “I said, do you come here often? He said, no, but I’d love to come again!”

Anyone wishing to stop this nonsense should apply, in their best copperplate handwriting, to the Queen, Buckingham Palace, London.

UWOTBRO : Makers of the famous board game, Monopoly, have announced it is to now come with actual UK pound sterling bank notes.

”It’s now cheaper than printing toy money to just stock the games with the real thing,” game re-designer Mr Brexit told LCD Views.

”The Royal Mint has already gone to the trouble of designing and printing the stuff, so why cut our profits by duplicating the effort when we can just pop down to the cash machine near the factory with a wheelbarrow and get out wads of sterling?”

The only snag appears to be how fiendishly bendy the current UK plastic currency is.

”To combat that we decided to do away with the five and ten pound notes. In reality they’re worthless in real life so to continue to include them in the sets of the board game isn’t keeping up to date. So just twenties, fifties and the hundred, two hundred and five hundred pound notes being printed so people have portable small change from November 1st.”

And the inclusion of the virtually worthless real money isn’t the only change to the famous game.

”We’ve included a new figure for people to play with. It’s a Tory politician. It has a special feature that is different to the classic avatars in the game. It can not land on the “Go To Jail” square at all. Oh, and it gets several million pounds at the start of the game. But there’s a new card in the Community Chest section. If the player using the politician draws this card they’re ordered to tell all the other players they got where they are by virtue of their own hard work.”

READY FOR NO DEAL : The National Grid has shone light into the darkness of last night by explaining the reason behind the power cut which plunged swathes of England, and its regions, into the black.

”It was a trial run for No Deal Brexit,” the spokesman said, “and an attempt to see if we could stop diesel and remainers talking the country down by stopping them talking to one another.”

The spokesman went on to say the trial was judged to be a complete success.

”Nobody ate anyone. That’s pretty much the high watermark for wild success in terms of Brexit. Expect a festival to celebrate. And no one will eat anyone else in that too. Well, it’s unlikely to occur.”

But a leaked internal email, obtained by this fictional news media organisation from inside an imagined version of energy regulator Ofgem, says it was an entirely different reason altogether.

”They turned the country off an on again. England specifically, but the outage affected other regions too. It was an attempt to solve Brexit,” our energy analyst, Mrs High Beam, reveals, “I don’t suppose it worked. The country is still rebooting so we won’t know until later if it worked or not. I don’t think it worked. Did you think it worked? Is anything different? Are the criminal investigations into the electoral crimes of 2016 actually happening? Is Boris Johnson still Prime Minister? If he is it didn’t work.”

But you should not to be discouraged as the leaked email reveals the test will be tried again in a “live fire sandbox” at the end of October.

On the 31st the entire country will be switched off and on again.

”Let’s just pray the bigger test doesn’t coincide with a KFC shortage or we’re f*cked.” 

BREXIPUTIA – Mapmakers report today that an entirely new land mass has been discovered off the coast of continental Europe that is just jammed full of people who who have no fucking idea what they’re doing.

“This is because they’re led by complete incompetents,” head explorer at Parochial Geographic, Professor Dominic Raabit told LCD Views.

But a cursory glance at the satellite imagery that led to the fascinating discovery reveals the land mass is very close to continental Europe. It’s a little puzzling why no one has stumbled across it before.

“Oh, they’ve been numerous reports over the years of a sensible, well governed, mature representative democracy existing as a collection of islands off the coast of France and the Netherlands for years. People have even claimed to have been there. People have turned up in France and Spain claiming to have come from there. But over the last three years the reports of a such a place have dried up. We decided to do a satellite survey to clear it up once and for all.”

The professor added that this has actually been tried several times since mid-2016, but there’s usually a murky fog over the area at the time and satellite imaging has proved difficult.

“We got lucky. A window opened for a few moments and we got the photographs. We decided next to see if we could detect any radio broadcasts. And we did.”

And what did you discover from listening to the broadcasts?

“Well, just a casserole of nonsense. The majority of the current leaders appear to be political pygmies, although some with larger frames are hanging about, ineffectively urging everyone to not do some extremely stupid thing that the leaders are set upon.”

What’s the stupid thing?

“They want to rename the country Brexiputia and set fire to it on the 31st of October this year.”

That sounds a bit silly.

“It’s more than that. It’s clear none of the leaders have a fucking idea what they’re doing. That much is obvious. But they’re all too proud to admit that things may have gotten out of hand.”

The government of national disunity has become the political wing of Leave.EU. Bereft of any real ideas or policies, it has substituted recycled propaganda.

This is why Boris Johnson is insisting that he’s going to do a great deal with the EU. Expect him to assert that we hold all the cards.

Expect him to deny that, with hindsight, that these cards are a joker, a business card from Dawdle, Ripov & Scarper estate agents, and Mr Bun the baker.

Expect him to say that these are brand new cards, and not the old cards covered with childish graffiti.

Expect him to tell you that post-Brexit Britain will be like an unsubtle variation of ‘sunlit uplands’. Sunny Highlands or something. Expect him to feign surprise when the country says ‘Bollocks!’

Expect an emphasis on blame. Britain’s Brexit policy and subsequent failure is already the fault of the EU, and, oddly, Ireland. Everyone’s fault but mine is the line. Pig farmers, global warming, negative thinking. Expect it to be all your own fault. Expect Britain to point the finger straight back.

Expect blatant racism. Swarms and hordes of vermin swamping the country. Reds under the bed. Any opponents of the Brexit faith denounced as traitors, saboteurs, enemies. Yada yada yada. Expect Boris to falter and corpse as even he can’t believe he’s saying it.

Expect pots to call the kettles black. Wait for unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings to call properly elected EU representatives unelected bureaucrats. Expect even the Daily Telegraph to start questioning this approach. Expect the country to laugh at Cummings and make crude puns on his name.

Expect Nigel Farage to come steaming in to denounce all and sundry, and say that he, and only he, is the true Keeper of the Flame of Brexit. Expect him to talk big but offer no practical advice. Expect him to offer to take over as PM, accountable only to himself. Expect him to slink away when nobody listens to him this time.

Expect Brexit to be cancelled instead of delayed this time.

THE LIES HAD IT! THE LIES HAD IT! : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a chaotic and disordered state today after it emerged that the new, white, tightly woven, cotton sofa delivered to the PM’s apartment is not stain proof.

“It’s not only that,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “there’s PANIC too that the stockpile of governmental lies will be exhausted before Brexit!”

How the Johnson administration would manage without recourse to lying through their teeth isn’t clear and a clear reason to be alarmed.

“Unelected puppet master for life, Cummings, has his teams working 24/7 to produce new falsehoods to baffle the public and Brussels,” the insider revealed,

“but currently they’re just managing re-hashes of the crap May dished out. It’s not looking good. Although Labour’s refusal to consider a GNU is giving them some succour they may pull through and get No Deal Brexit delivered at Halloween. But the sands shift so fast, we can’t rely on MPs not doing their jobs forever. We need dissembling at 11 to disassemble the modern state for the profit of right wing moneymen. Not panic at 11!”

Who can keep their heads while all about them are losing their minds will be a deciding factor in the coming weeks. You could even say pivotal to the future of the country.

“We need to dial down the anxiety,” the insider added, “not just in Downing Street but across the country. The lemmings won’t jump off the cliff if just one of them breaks into a panic and turns away.”

Hold your nerve Global Britons! Billions have been bet on you holding your nerve and leaping on the 31st October 2019 with just the smallest, well calculated, data mined push.