Category: Brexit

BREXIT IS A TAXPAYER CASH BONFIRE : Man! We’re so excited. The fruits are falling again from the magic money tree as UKGov launch their Brexit billboards.

“£100m of taxpayer money could buy a lot of nurses. It could even feed some hungry kids stupid enough to be born poor. Or it can fill the town squares of Blighty with propaganda. What would you choose to spend the cash on?” our politics analyst asks.

What indeed? After a decade of austerity in which the inheritance millionaires and hard right wannabes have ground down the most vulnerable in a pretence of sounds economic management, but in reality to pay for the errors of bankers in the early 2000’s, it’s good to see the government turning the tap back on.

“It’ll loosen the belts of companies that own billboards,” our analyst continues, “which isn’t half bad. Imagine having public money flowing in just for slapping up some poorly conceived bit of brainwashing?”

But not everyone has welcomed the initiative. Some have even gone so far as to say the money should be spent repairing some of the voluntary harm the government has caused to millions of people for years now.

“Those people are just jealous because they don’t work for Michael Gove,” our analyst muses, “so they can’t just pour untold riches down the drain. Jealousy is a choice you know. People need to work to be better.”

The campaign will run up until Brexit day. So in other words, it will never end.

“It’s good to see old Kilroy get up on the boards. He kinda vanished off the map after leaving TV to front UKIP. But that was back in the forgotten days when fronting a xenophobic politics party was viewed as a bad thing. We don’t live like that anymore.”

But what have those stalwarts of sound fiscal policy, the TPA, had to say about such an egregious waste of taxpayers money?

“Oh, they’ll be fine with this we expect. This is money spent the right way. Spent on hard right ideology.”

To shaft or to shaft? The Brexit decision tree is now up in lights for all to see.

CLOCKWORK BORANGE : A source at 10 Downing Street has responded to outrage today over Boris Johnson’s government’s plan to ask the Queen to get involved in Brexit and suspend parliament.

“Of course we’re dragging the Queen into Brexit,” said Face Eating Alien Lizard Man, special advisor to the PM, “nothing is sacred. All means are justified by the ends. Especially the end of parliament. Especially the chance to roll back progress and enfranchisement of plebs with rights by decades, centuries even, if we can get away with it. So why the hell wouldn’t we drag the Queen into it?”

Quite. Eyes on the prize people.

But suspicious souls have attempted to look beyond the headline smash and grab of today and wonder at the next step.

“It’s pretty bloody obvious,” random person paying attention said (well, guessed), “old Bercow won’t let Boris bring back May’s Deal in this session of Parliament. So they need a new session of Parliament. If he can bully MPs into passing it he gets to deliver Brexit. There’s little chance he’ll be daft enough to do No Deal. The EU isn’t going to renegotiate. So it’s May’s Deal reheated and rebranded for Brexit.”

Okay….

“They’re not bothered at all about MPs attaching amendments to the Queen’s Speech opening the new session. They want parliament to legally block a No Deal, but in all the confusion they want MPs, most of whom aren’t paying too much attention, to see their choice between May’s resurrected deal and No Deal, or a GE in which Boris and Nigel work hand in hand to frame MPs as enemies of the people. Don’t underestimate how exhausted MPs are too. They may well pass the reheat to get it done with.”

This sounds like a pretty big and confusing gamble.

“It sounds like pay day each and every day on the exchange markets. Very much a part of Brexit. Chaos is cash. And Boris is a bluffer and a gambler and a chancer. Suspending parliament is a roll of the dice that lets him back them into a corner to deliver Brexit.”

It won’t work.

“Of course it won’t, it’s Brexit.”

FAKING AND BAKING FOR BREXIT : Downing Street has responded today to popular demand from a hungry people and released the official Brexit cake recipe.

“We are all about pleasing the people,” a privately contracted, propaganda specialist working at Downing Street said, “we couldn’t ignore thousands of people discussing what sort of cake is Brexit and not release the actual, official recipe for the nation’s bakers. Let the people eat it!”

The recipe is guaranteed to produce a cake that looks suspiciously like a millionaire’s shortbread, but tastes like a load of balls.

“That’s because by this time next year, thanks to Brexit, we’ll all be millionaires,” the unofficial Downing Street official declared, “especially if you’re already a millionaire at this time this year. Where do you keep your wealth? Offshore! But anyway, back to the people’s cake.”

The appearance of a millionaire shortbread really is no mistake. Brexit is a millionaire’s speciality. Be that hard right or far left Brexit specialists, there millionaires all who have convinced people they’re the people’s champions. So why not listen to them and bake?

“There’s a bit of a giveaway in the old shortbread too. Bread being nostalgic slang for money. Shorting the pound being how to make bread. How tasty is Brexit? How tasty will be Brexit cake?

Yummy!

“Of course, not everyone who bakes the cake will get to eat it,” the official shrugged, “because in order to make a success of Brexit we will have to make sure hardworking British men and women are short of bread. But it’ll be worth it. Worth it for someone. Guess who?”

Bollocks to Brexit? Yes indeed. After all, it’s the only ingredient needed alongside nuts of course. Grab yours and get faking, we mean, baking!

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE AND SMILE : The government has again refused today to publish the locations of stockpiles of tinned foods and out of date army ration packs.

“People may get the wrong idea about the looming benefits of No Deal Brexit,” DExEU minister, Mr Notso Clever, told LCD Views, “and if they start queuing early it will only add peer pressure to others to queue. We just can’t guarantee the weather. People may catch colds.”

The concern for the welfare of the ordinary man and woman, over and above the paternalistic attitude shown towards currency speculators, has been welcomed. Welcomed by the government.

“No Deal Brexit is not just about creating an artificial financial crisis to asset strip the UK for the benefit of hoarded offshore wealth,” Mr Notso Clever was certain, “it’s about minimising unnecessary inconvenience to the general public as their rights and personal wealth, freedoms and possibilities are curtailed to respect the result of the criminally manipulated opinion poll conducted years ago now.”

The mandate for Brexit is as fresh as it ever was.

“Just be reassured there is some food in shortage. Caviar. Smoked salmon. Foi gras. Even a large amount of lobster. The Palace of Westminster dining rooms will cope in any Brexit eventuality. So too the general public. Stockpiles of readily edible rubber bullets and tear gas are already mountainous.”

And for anyone worrying if there will be clean drinking water? Just in case the infrastructure of the UK suffers a widespread hack and crashes in the crisis?

“Already emergency legislation is being prepared to reassign leisure centre swimming pools across the country as water depots. It’s already chlorinated. People will be able to wash their chicken in it too. Do not worry. You are in safe hands.”

But there was one sour note. Stockpiles of famous British pragmatism and common sense are currently invisible.

“This won’t affect a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Notso Clever added, “as those qualities would only impede it.”

OMG DON’T TELL THEM : President Macron was tight lipped tonight on the subject of Brexit after the other EU states took out a gagging order in the ECJ.

“It’s very specific,” Finland, currently acting on behalf of the UK (and Finland) at the EU council, told LCD Views, “we just need him to stop telling the UK they don’t have to Brexit.”

The legal move to zip the lips of the outspoken French leader will surprise many in the English exceptionalism press, but few on the other side of the Channel.

“We’re so close to not having to put up with cretins from Westminster jumping on a plane or train and turning up to show us their hairy balls,” the Finnish spokesman said, “I mean, after three years and more of this nonsense? Just get out already and take your economic collapse and become a parasitic, feudal, service economy feeding off the burgeoning financial centres on the continent. You want irrelevance globally? It’s yours, take it, and take your Daily Telegraph with you.”

The action has caused a ripple of orgasm amongst Brexit politicians at home. They have completely misinterpreted the legal move by the other EU states to mean the EU doesn’t want Macron to attempt to convince the UK to withdraw Article 50.

“Not when we’re so close to seeing Merkel collapse before the German automakers and Putin in Italy give in to the pressure from Italian pizza-ferry firms to ditch the Irish backdrop and just agree to whatever Downing Street wants.”

Many saw the power of attorney used to hand Finland control of UK decisions in the EU as a burden for the country. An enlargement of Very Finnish Problems, to now include Brexit, but it seems they all have the matter completely in hand.

Quite what Boris Johnson has in hand is anyone’s guess.

BLIGHTED BLIGHTY : German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to have refused British-American-Turkish prime minister Boris Johnson’s request for political asylum.

“It’s a pointless request,” an aide to the long serving, democratically elected (numerous times), European statesperson said, “just like everything Mr Johnson demands. He knows it. It won’t stop him asking if course. We just shake our heads in wonder. We’re waiting for common sense to return to the UK’s politics. Just like most people there I guess.”

The reason for refusing the request does appears to have been multi-layered too.

“He’s made his bed, he has to now lie in it,” the aide added, “also we don’t need the contagion of his politics in our country. We are really very impatient for an end to freedom of movement from the UK, so their so called leaders can’t just pop over to the continent and drive us crazy asking for things we’ve already refused for three years.”

It’s not certain if saying no will work though.

“We expect he’ll just keep asking in a louder voice. Enquiring over our command of the English language will happen too. It’s pretty obvious from what Brexiters say, and what their tabloids print that they bizarrely think we can’t.”

The most serious reason for saying no seems to be just objective reality. Something the British government and its elected representatives don’t seem to deal in, or with, anymore.

“She told him,” the aide finished, “he has no need to come here and ask for asylum when he’s already taken over and running one at home.”

DENNIS THERE’S SOME LOVELY FILTH DOWN ‘ERE : LCD VIEWS has the scoop today after a traitor in the civil service LEAKED government contingency planning for the post No Deal Brexit reality.

“It may have been a remoaning MP who has somehow survived the Johnson era purge,” our Food Fight specialist comments, “but either way it’s incredibly reassuring to read the detail of how people will not only survive, but just about manage faced with the exciting opportunities presented by Brexit.”

Tangible benefits of the plan will see Global Britain maintain an employment rate the envy of the industrialised world.

“The lottery system is a stroke of genius,” our specialist notes, “this will stop complaints of favouritism as voters are renamed ‘serfs’ and distributed as an indentured labour supply to elected members of the House of Commons. The indenture only lasts the term of any individual’s natural life and higher rate tax payers will not be assigned, but be allowed to be overseers. If they don’t manage to flee with their assets sewn into their hems before the lottery is held.”

This is clearly a masterstroke. This will stop complaints from Corbyn supporting plebs that they’ve been assigned to work Jacob Rees-mogg’s turf, and vice versa. It will ensure the happiness index is always happy. Don’t blame the government, blame the lottery! Blame lady luck!

Supplies of sufficient agricultural land are also certain. Under the plans the government will take back control of commons and green spaces across the UK and give them to MPs for their peasants to till.

“This will also keep even the most radicalised of pro-EU MPs on side as they suddenly find themselves feudal lords with an endless supply of labour that will be paid by allowing said workers to spend one afternoon a week growing their own food.”

And don’t think organised religion has been forgotten.

“The Church of England and that Catholic lot will see their holy places reconsecrated as temples in the Church of Brexit. Fraser Nelson will be the Pope. They really have thought of everything.”

But just to be clear, the serf is obvious in the plan, but the turf is what you will work, not what you will eat. Pick up your hoe and make the most of the exciting opportunities of the post Brexit landscape!

Global Britons! We stay home now and work.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING MR JOHNSON IF YOU THINK YOU’VE WON THE BREXIT WAR?

The question is on the minds of many of the EU’s power brokers today after a leak reveals the unrelenting bluff and twaddle from Downing Street has caused Chancellor Merkel to say “Genug”.

While many Tory Brexiters are still holding out for a last minute charge of the light brigade in the form of the German carmakers, it seems the German leader has made her selection from Mr Johnson’s 50/50 “Do or Die?” choice for the UK’s economy.

And she’s not alone. In fact she has twenty six friends to count on versus the UK’s none.

“Bit bloody baffling,” a source close to Mr Johnson’s hairunstyler told LCD Views, “we’re shell shocked, I don’t mind admitting it. The Germans appear ready to take back control of Brexit. But don’t they remember two world wars and one World Cup? Well, two world cups now, although I doubt the Germans paid much attention to the One Day Cricket World Cup, which explains why they did so poorly in it.”

It’s not just team Johnson that are in lockdown today attempting to find a lie to convince the Germans Boris isn’t bluffing, when everyone can see Boris is almost certainly bluffing.

“We don’t have a choice now,” the source revealed, “we’ve either got to try and crash the UK out of the EU before the October 31st deadline, something that our dark money backers will orgasm over, or backdown? I reckon we need to focus on shifting the blame first and foremost. It’s the fault of remoaners. Yeah. Merkel is listening to them and not the party of government.”

As to how the Telegraph will deal with the news, having broken it, our newsroom is certain.

“They’re going to revel in a long overdue No Shit Sherlock award before going back to printing whatever propaganda bollocks Downing Street requests of it.”

The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what he says he will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, recorded a high production value video earlier today to make a tantalising offer.

“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the PM told a country having a hard time remaining a country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because it distracts from my estranged wife’s cancer treatment while I work out how to get my young girlfriend credibility. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”

The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the man burn, while setting fire to the country.

Why set fire to your country? Because that’s what respecting the result of the referendum means. We all know this now. Either you expect to gain financially or politically, or both.

”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later about the PM’s offer, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”

Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.

”I’ll strike the bally match for him! What ho! What a hoot!” a Nosferatu tribute act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate the land with feudalism and rule the serfs with a rod of iron.”

How could any of this possibly go wrong? Especially as the burning is currently scheduled for Halloween.

French windows are a cultural abomination, says the government. In a new cultural purity drive, all European influences in Britain’s architecture will be banned.

“It’s cultural appropriation!” thundered Government wonk Tim Berframe. “This great country, this England, must return to English architecture, and only traditional English construction and features! French windows are, well, right out of the window.”

The cultural purity drive is all-consuming. Dutch gables have also been proscribed, and all buildings possessing one will be demolished.

“It’s the only way,” explained Berframe. “Brexit means Brexit. If we are going to break free from Europe, then it must be all or nothing!”

Berframe lists building materials that will be banned following No Deal. “Bricks, they are a Roman invention,” he said, ticking them off on his stubby fingers. “So is concrete. Steel, the bloody Romans as well, and modern steel was invented in Prague, so that’s out. Only indigenous materials may be used, like mud and sticks.”

Brexit means we will all have to live in mud huts. “Yes, Wattle and daub is hugely underrated. English windows may be unglazed for ventilation, but you may use glass if you want, that’s English,” interjected Berframe. “And wooden shutters. But absolutely no Venetian blinds!”

Meanwhile there is the important issue of what to do with all the French windows. “Send ‘em back!” retorts Berframe. “Remove them at once. Spray the polluted area with a decontaminant. Replace them with those dangly plastic things your granny used to have. Take the French windows to France. Their windows, their problem!

Berframe foresees a time when every Briton will make a last pilgrimage to the Continent of Evil™ with all their Roman bricks, Italian marble, German skirtings, IKEA furniture, and French windows naturally. They will be stranded on the other side, unless they own a fine English Morgan of course. “We need to invoke the Dunkirk Spirit!” said Berframe happily.

If French windows are out, then French fries, French kissing and French letters cannot be far behind. It is rumoured that Dawn French has had to go into hiding.