Category: Brexit

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : In July 2019, emotionally retarded man-child, Boris Johnson, inherited a representative parliament called Westminster on the banks of the Thames, a long river running from the English countryside, through London and out to France.

He hoped to redevelop Westminster into a stage for his triptych and tell the story of a country moving from absolute monarchy, to constitutional monarchy, and then accidentally into autocratic, fascist tyranny.

He planned to tell the three parter through interpretive dance, next to legitimate world leaders such as Leo Varadkar, and social media performances.

In September 2019 he closed the parliament in order to refurbish it to this end. He had even engaged a demolition expert called Dom “Short” Cummings. Short Cummings claimed to also be a genius architect, but no one has ever seen evidence of that.

“Parliament is supposed to be refurbished now,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, “it’s closed. We’ll keep it closed so we can refurbish it as a rubber stamp for tyranny. In my plans that’s after a GE in which I hope to use toxic nationalism, combined with propagandising populism, to stuff the place full of Francois’ and Bridgens. It’s a bit of a shock to find people giving it reviews on TripAdvisor and demanding it is re-opened immediately. I won’t budge. It’s my parliament and I’ll do what I like with it. Some of the people leaving reviews are saying they think parliament should refurbish itself. That it’s actually their parliament too and not just mine. They’re idiots.”

But Mr Johnson may not have it all his own way. TripAdvisor isn’t the only forum where people are expressing a desire to modify his plans.

“Now the local planning authority, the Supreme Court, has gotten involved,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “and they say they’re going to leave a TripAdvisor review soon too. Well I warn them not to get involved or my friends in the media will start leaving reviews on them too.”

How the story plays out isn’t clear, but one thing seems likely, the reviews on Mr Johnson will only get more scathing the longer the saga drags on.

TO BE DEMOCRATIC OR TO BREXIT : A British political party has set the cat among the Brexgions over the weekend when members attending a party conference voted overwhelmingly to adopt Revoking Article 50 as party policy.

“It’s nuts,” a random Tory MP decried, “you can’t just STOP BREXIT, if you win a mandate in a general election, that would be undemocratic. Clearly. Democracy begins and ends with the corrupted, advisory vote held years ago. Everyone knows what. Wheelbarrows of dodgy overseas cash achieved it. What about all the data crime people had to get away with? And what about the benefits? I’m planning to live well beyond one hundred to enjoy the benefits! I want to stand proudly in the immigration queue at Calais brandishing my blue passport!”

And the policy does run contrary to the way democracy is currently conducted in the United Kingdom. This by ignoring all evidence that the policy determining all other policies is batshit crazy, and will only benefit the extremes of politics and tax dodgers.

“What will happen to the shrines planned to Brexit?” a Labour MP no one had previously heard of demanded, “I’ve already got my offerings planned. I was going to lay the rest of the automotive industry at its feet and burn it. The guy I run into now and then at the Spoons was planning to laugh himself stupid as the financial services sector relocated to the US and EU27. What will he do with his stockpile of schadenfreude now? It’ll go out of date and there won’t be much of a pharmaceutical industry left to replace it. What about his plans to pay more income tax to make up for the sacrificing of the golden goose before another goose had been bred?”

Good questions indeed.

A No Deal Brexit would mean the intentional severing of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock and leave a confused populace struggling to make sense of what happened to day to day life, while a chaotic clown car premiership makes social media videos saying how wonderful everything is. All “mandated” by a crime scene opinion poll held years back. One the previous PM’s QC agreed in court would have been quashed had it been binding.

What could be more democratic?!

It’s a good question. Just make the chaos stop? Hold public inquiries into how we got into such a perilous shambles? Tell the Brexiters to bugger off and come back with an actual detailed plan if they want to try again? So that will never happen…

“Stopping Brexit would divide the country,” a voting fodder MP weighed in, largely because they haven’t looked outside at the state of the country for years now.

How would you reunite the UK? You could start by holding public inquiries into the crimes conducted for Brexit.

Blue passports. The one and only real Brexit dividend. But which shade of blue? Leavers are upset that by the unusual choice of Norwegian blue.

“Things were better in the old days,” grumbled Brexit supporter Rose Tinted. “Blue meant blue, not some poncy European turquoise rubbish!”

But Tinted could not recognise Norwegian blue from a colour chart. “It’s bad enough that we have to be so close to Europe,” she moaned. “Now they are naming British colours. It’s not on. Who invented colours, that’s what I would like to know.”

In fact, the only definite thing that Tinted said was that she didn’t like any of the blues on offer. Not even Deacon Blue, Lionel Blue or See-Through Baby Blue.

Polly Chromatic, junior Home Office minister with special responsibility for the Colour of Things, gave her official response. “Norwegian blue is a very evocative colour,” she explained. “It creates a sense of pining for the fjords, that wanderlust, making it a highly suitable shade for a passport. Even though the passport will be redundant before it is issued, it is a symbol of the British refusal to give up. It has been metaphorically nailed to its perch.”

The new passports, made in the EU because it’s cheaper than buying British, will be shipped to the UK as soon as some kind of trading agreement is, well, agreed. In the event of a no deal Brexit, ports will close and the passports will be stranded in France, and no amount of blue pigment will change matters.

“But that’s ok,” said Chromatic. “Because nobody who owns one will actually want to use it. The Norwegian blue passport is a trophy, a demonstration that we have got one over on the EU. To loyal brexiters they are simply too valuable to use. Like the Brexit 50p’s. Mind you, they will be two a penny!”

One thing is certain, though. It is a dead passport. It has Ceased to Be.

GRAB THE TIGER BY THE TAIL AND PULL IT OFF : RECENT REPORTS SUGGEST the general public maybe coming to perceive their government as an exercise in never ending SNAFU that couldn’t care less how many perish for Brexit?

LCD Views are here to say that is not the case.

There has apparently been an attempt made to calculate the death rate resulting from No Deal Brexit. An attempt has been made to calculate? The potential lethal impact of a purely voluntary political choice? Surely this shows concern at the highest levels of government.

Furthermore, even with disruption to supply chains, it doesn’t mean Global Britons will go without.

Do not panic.

“There maybe localised food shortages,” a Downing Street ‘source’ said today, responding to the flutters of worry, “they will be worse in areas with lower than average feline ownership. But anywhere that has lots of pets will be just fine.”

These can’t be many areas? All over Blighty Britons love cats, dogs, parrots and small mammals in general.

“We will though be issuing guidance, in line with Yellowhammer planning, that teaches patriots how to skin a cat. There are apparently many ways. Good traditional British ingenuity will see us ride over the bumps in the road after we crash out of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock.”

Quite how you skin a cat is a question that is rarely asked in modern Britain. We presume you have to choose between skinning your own or a neighbour’s first?

“We could even have entire sectors of the economy dedicated to reviving not only cat fur, but any mammal you care to name that is currently indulged as a layabout. And pet snakes too. Britons will need shoes and belts after Brexit. Some things will never change.”

Don’t worry, if the geniuses behind Brexit believe they can get away with lying to the Queen, what plans do their powerful imaginations have for your pets? With any luck, we’ll never find out.

BROKENSPAMMER – 10 Downing Street has given ground again today on another of the multiple fronts it is fighting on. And this without a shot being fired.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ said that they would be releasing the Brexit benefits planning document and it would be completely unredacted.

“We’ve decided to give in and release the hefty tome before a Commons vote forces us to do so,” the source said, “it’s an attempt to get ahead of the game. We’re currently behind in the game 6-0, but probably about £350m – 0 if you consider the prime minister is believed to have lied to the Queen.”

But Tory MPs have been quick to quibble over the concession.

Human driftwood, Andrew Bridgen, MP for Whatthehell-were-youthinking-electingthis-plank on Wye, blasted his own executive’s decision.

“I didn’t die on the beaches of Hastings in 1066 just for the government to give in to political pressure from judges,” he frothed, “and besides, waiting for a Brexit benefit to appear is like Waiting for Godot, it’s half the fun of Brexit. The other half is currency speculation, so I hear.”

The government dismissed the internal critique though, going so far as to suggest that Mr Bridgen was a ‘fifth columnist’ planted by remoaners to ruin Brexit.

“For a start I don’t believe he really said it,” the source retorted, “he referenced Waiting for Godot correctly. That in itself suggests it was an impersonator. But secondly, like all Brexiters he didn’t fight in the Battle of Hastings in 1066, he was in the archery squad at Agincourt.”

Your copy of Brokenspammer, the Brexit Benefits planning document, will be mailed at great public expense shortly. Wait by the mail slot.

“It’ll land on the doorstep. It’s too fat a document to get through a mail slot,” the source added, “and the paper is edible too. Which is another Brexit benefit.”

WHY DO THEY EVEN NEED A HAMMER OF ANY COLOUR : The government (using that term loosely) of the United Kingdom has given out another of the missing pages from its No Deal Brexit plan.

“It’s actually a map,” our Disasters Without Relief correspondent advises, “a before and after No Deal of the United Kingdom. Although to be exact, there is no United Kingdom in the after.”

What there is for the after is England with Wales. Scotland and Northern Ireland redacted.

“Those nations will still exist, just they’ll be invisible to Westminster,” our correspondent continues, “which actually is already the situation under these disaster capitalist Tories. So in many ways, it’s a map of continuity.”

But critics of the Yellowhammer document say the map isn’t detailed enough.

“Some commentators are complaining that Cornwall hasn’t been redacted. And neither has Yorkshire, Devon, Somerset, well, everywhere but Nigel Farage’s stronghold of Kent.”

So you’re saying the United Kingdom, in the event of No Deal, will just be Kent?

“And probably not all of that. Although you can expect some sort of federation of bits of Kent, along with pieces of Essex and Surrey.”

Presumably voters in those regions may have something to say about that! Your comments are highly contentious.

“It’s not my fault, the people had a vote. They’re not allowed another. It would endanger democracy.”

But it’s not all bad news. The reduction of three of the four nations of the UK means boom times for cartographers.

“There are still missing details though,” our correspondent adds, “even with the reluctant release of the map. As it’s not listed who gets to be King of Kent in this scenario. Will it be Boris or Nigel or will they agree to share power?”

Let’s hope we never find out.

BELLOWSPAMMER : The government, such as it is, of the United Kingdom is expected to release a fresh Brexit denial today after a storm engulfed the secrecy surrounding the enigma of its No Deal Brexit plans.

“There’s no plan and there’s no enigma and so there’s no mystery and no secret sauce,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “we definitely haven’t been stockpiling bodybags or planning for the army to takeover local councils. There’s no plan for No Deal. Nada. Zilch. And if I admit we had even jotted anything down, even back in the Halcyon days of David Davis, then Dominic Cummings will visit me in the night and drain my lifeblood with a homemade IV device. So there’s no documents. There’s no plan. Please. Can I just go now? I’m so scared. I’m so tired.”

The denial will do much to allay concerns that the government knows it is creating a bonfire of sanity and pretty much catastroshafting the UK back into a feudal age.

“The Commons wasted its time last night,” a recently knighted idiot commented, “as if this government is capable of planning for a scenario so multi-faceted? Spare me. Although it’s okay. The tax dodgers, currency speculators and disaster capitalists Brexit is designed to enrich are still seeing a payoff. So it’s not an emergency, yet.”

Whether or not the parliamentarians pushing for release of the documents will be satisfied with the denials remains to be seen.

“It may have been a mistake for Dominic and Boris to make enemies of dozens of extremely powerful, skilled, wealthy and influential people in their attempt to bulldozer through their hard right revolution. But we will just have to wait and see. If there’s no government plan the government can only hope the people they’ve enormously pissed off haven’t been planning either.”

NOT WAVING DROWNING : The always law abiding geniuses in government have obeyed the Commons vote to reveal the ‘Yellowhammer’ No Deal Brexit planning papers.

Speaking to reporters earlier today a stand in for Boris Johnson said all relevant documents had been handed over to the relevant representatives of the people’s parliament.

“There wasn’t a lot to hand over to be honest, “the Boris Johnson bodydouble shrugged, before smirking, “it’s just a photo of the button that’s been installed in 10 Downing Street and all relevant ministries.”

The buttons, described as red and easily depressed, were apparently installed earlier this year at former prime minister Theresa May’s insistence, in case the EU did not grant her an extension.

“It was the de facto method for dealing with any crisis during May’s time in office,” the messy haired actor continued, “except during the Grenfell tragedy when it took her days to work out if what was happening was a crisis or not, allegedly due to the prevalent socioeconomic backgrounds of those affected.”

But there has been some dissent over the buttons, with traditionalists in government demanding they be replaced with classic round buttons, and not the rectangles chosen by May’s team.

No discord over the wilful imposing of food and medicine rationing on the public has been recorded. This has at least boosted the government’s confidence that its plans are sound.

“We won’t need to action the No Deal plan anyway,” the body double read from his script, “as the EU will clearly finally crumble the third time we threaten to throw ourselves over a cliff. Unlike the first two. And the basis for the entire future relationship between ourselves and our continent will be agreed over drinks late in the evening. It really couldn’t be more simple. You could say solving it is as simple as pushing a button.”

Be ready. Finger over the button. Be ready to push.

STADIUM FILLERS : Great news to overshadow fainting police recruits behind the prime minister with the announcement of the rapid recording of a Brexit anthem.

“It’s going to be a smash hit,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “that’s because the prime minister’s brain, Dominic Cumberbung, thought of it. And he’s a genius.”

The song, provisionally named ‘Bohemian Pratsody’, will he forcibly downloaded onto all digital devices in the United Kingston.

“This is so nobody misses out,” the source advised, “and so we can claim how much of an overwhelming smash it is, everyone has it, and use that as a justification for replacing insulin with puppies in the event of a No Deal Brexit.”

But not everyone is thrilled with the idea. Not Michael Gove, who hasn’t been asked to do anything but fetch the drugs needed to get the chosen few recording high enough to make a good fist of it.

“That’s not going to be a problem,” the source added, “we’re going to get Michael Gove to record the b-side. It’s called ‘Everyone will have the food they need’. This will endure as you start beating each other to pulp post Brexit, you’ll know you’re doing things exactly as planned.”

‘Bohemian Pratsody’ is due for release imminently and everyone is certain to unite behind it and give it a push. Off the nearest cliff, preferably.

PM HUNKERED AN’ BUNKERED : Boris Johnson is facing a bigger catastrophe than losing his Commons majority today after traitors in parliament ganged up with saboteurs in parliament to take away his last remaining weapon.

“What will he talk about? What will he allude to now to fire up the shrinking electile base?” a source embedded in the Johnson bunker texted us.

This wasn’t overly helpful as they’re supposed to be sending out information, not asking for it.

“If Boris Johnson has to admit, publicly, that WW2 is over, it’s very hard to see how he will maintain his support within the delusional corridors of what’s left of his party, and in the Kipper base in the shires. Just what will he do? What will he talk about? How will he deliver Brexit?”

And it gets worse.

Johnson’s platoon of useful idiots, Bridgen, Francois, Fabricant and the like, are for it too.

“There’s talk of a cross party bill being rushed through by an emboldened Commons to force Francois to admit his surname is French! It’ll be the end of him. And Bridgen will have to admit he didn’t take part in the D-Day landings. And even worse, someone from the ERG will have to state publicly that WW2 was won by joint international effort, no disregarding Britain’s pivotal role, but, we didn’t actually win it alone. It’s very hard to see where they go for talking points about just in time supply lines after that.”

But critics of the bill have pointed out one flaw in it.

“It does say he has to admit the war ended in the actual House of Commons. With parliament prorogued soon it buys him a few weeks to attempt to wriggle out of doing it.”

How could he do that?

“By organising his leaving drinks of course. He’s lost pretty much everything, he can at least claim the title of shortest ever serving prime minister. His reputation is in pieces. That’s one thing he can take away and keep forever.”