Category: Brexit

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : Downing Street has been the focus for some unusual criticism this week after it sent so called “non-papers” on Brexit to the EU.

“It’s all rot,” Stephen ‘the Barsarker’ Barclay admitted privately to a packed news conference, “the non-papers were papers, just they were blank papers, as we were hoping the EU would do the working out for us. Paper of this quality isn’t cheap. You think they’d be more grateful. This just underlined why we have to crash out of the EU, about the one thing we can do successfully. The crashing bit that is.”

But nonetheless it’s not just the EU that were left underwhelmed. Much of the UK is too.

“Just because it’s only weeks until we’re due to leave, do or die, and we’re spending endless millions that could have funded public services on pro-Brexit propaganda, some people expect us to actually have a coherent plan. To come up with constructive and feasible alternatives to the things we don’t like? It’s just not fair. We’re not miracle workers you know.”

Which is a shame really. Miracle workers are needed to make a success of Brexit.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way anyway. Boris was supposed to get a GE by now. Meddling MPs have spoiled the plan. Now what have we got left? The blame game. That’s what. And we’re going to make a success of it.”

About all you can expect from a non-government whose entire focus seems to be producing a daily barrage of campaign videos for Boris Johnson. No actual sign of any governance.

And you have to wonder, at what point does the UK convulse and throw off all this incompetence? And that includes throwing off Brexit, the very wellspring of it.

IF THE LIE FITS SAY IT : Global Britons are feeling positive and upbeat about the future, near and far, today as Boris Johnson continues to set the campaign trail ablaze.

“It’s a damn good thing he got that five week prorogation of Parliament through,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “that has given him four weeks, six and a half days to campaign in without parliamentary scrutiny, before a general election spending cap comes into force, and leaves him a few hours to scribble down some nonsense for the Queen to say. This just before parliament is suspended again for a general election anyway.”

But while it is outlandish to suggest evasion of scrutiny was the reason for suspending parliament, with Mr Johnson, scrutiny is still having its way.

“We really must do better at predicting what danger is waiting just around the corner each day,” the source continued, “we do have our best brain working on it, but you could not have seen it coming. No one could have foreseen an upset and anxious parent confronting Mr Johnson about the state of the NHS when he dropped in to an NHS hospital out of legitimate concern for the service.”

It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is so intellectually nimble.

“Yes. He reacted like a seasoned fighter pilot faced with a sudden threat. Talk about evasive manoeuvres! Telling the man that there was no press present when they were both standing metres from the press? Brilliant. That’s a move straight out of fifty shades of multi-dimensional chess.”

And the fast footwork has at least reassured the country regarding Mr Johnson’s stated reason for being in office.

“The general public are cunning, unpredictable and vicious. Seasoned hands at taking down politicians when they are surprised by them. It’s basically the only thing random members of the public are ever prepared for. You just wait and see how minced is Brussel’s meat when it comes to the last seconds of No Deal Brexit chicken.”

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : In July 2019, emotionally retarded man-child, Boris Johnson, inherited a representative parliament called Westminster on the banks of the Thames, a long river running from the English countryside, through London and out to France.

He hoped to redevelop Westminster into a stage for his triptych and tell the story of a country moving from absolute monarchy, to constitutional monarchy, and then accidentally into autocratic, fascist tyranny.

He planned to tell the three parter through interpretive dance, next to legitimate world leaders such as Leo Varadkar, and social media performances.

In September 2019 he closed the parliament in order to refurbish it to this end. He had even engaged a demolition expert called Dom “Short” Cummings. Short Cummings claimed to also be a genius architect, but no one has ever seen evidence of that.

“Parliament is supposed to be refurbished now,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, “it’s closed. We’ll keep it closed so we can refurbish it as a rubber stamp for tyranny. In my plans that’s after a GE in which I hope to use toxic nationalism, combined with propagandising populism, to stuff the place full of Francois’ and Bridgens. It’s a bit of a shock to find people giving it reviews on TripAdvisor and demanding it is re-opened immediately. I won’t budge. It’s my parliament and I’ll do what I like with it. Some of the people leaving reviews are saying they think parliament should refurbish itself. That it’s actually their parliament too and not just mine. They’re idiots.”

But Mr Johnson may not have it all his own way. TripAdvisor isn’t the only forum where people are expressing a desire to modify his plans.

“Now the local planning authority, the Supreme Court, has gotten involved,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “and they say they’re going to leave a TripAdvisor review soon too. Well I warn them not to get involved or my friends in the media will start leaving reviews on them too.”

How the story plays out isn’t clear, but one thing seems likely, the reviews on Mr Johnson will only get more scathing the longer the saga drags on.

TO BE DEMOCRATIC OR TO BREXIT : A British political party has set the cat among the Brexgions over the weekend when members attending a party conference voted overwhelmingly to adopt Revoking Article 50 as party policy.

“It’s nuts,” a random Tory MP decried, “you can’t just STOP BREXIT, if you win a mandate in a general election, that would be undemocratic. Clearly. Democracy begins and ends with the corrupted, advisory vote held years ago. Everyone knows what. Wheelbarrows of dodgy overseas cash achieved it. What about all the data crime people had to get away with? And what about the benefits? I’m planning to live well beyond one hundred to enjoy the benefits! I want to stand proudly in the immigration queue at Calais brandishing my blue passport!”

And the policy does run contrary to the way democracy is currently conducted in the United Kingdom. This by ignoring all evidence that the policy determining all other policies is batshit crazy, and will only benefit the extremes of politics and tax dodgers.

“What will happen to the shrines planned to Brexit?” a Labour MP no one had previously heard of demanded, “I’ve already got my offerings planned. I was going to lay the rest of the automotive industry at its feet and burn it. The guy I run into now and then at the Spoons was planning to laugh himself stupid as the financial services sector relocated to the US and EU27. What will he do with his stockpile of schadenfreude now? It’ll go out of date and there won’t be much of a pharmaceutical industry left to replace it. What about his plans to pay more income tax to make up for the sacrificing of the golden goose before another goose had been bred?”

Good questions indeed.

A No Deal Brexit would mean the intentional severing of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock and leave a confused populace struggling to make sense of what happened to day to day life, while a chaotic clown car premiership makes social media videos saying how wonderful everything is. All “mandated” by a crime scene opinion poll held years back. One the previous PM’s QC agreed in court would have been quashed had it been binding.

What could be more democratic?!

It’s a good question. Just make the chaos stop? Hold public inquiries into how we got into such a perilous shambles? Tell the Brexiters to bugger off and come back with an actual detailed plan if they want to try again? So that will never happen…

“Stopping Brexit would divide the country,” a voting fodder MP weighed in, largely because they haven’t looked outside at the state of the country for years now.

How would you reunite the UK? You could start by holding public inquiries into the crimes conducted for Brexit.

Blue passports. The one and only real Brexit dividend. But which shade of blue? Leavers are upset that by the unusual choice of Norwegian blue.

“Things were better in the old days,” grumbled Brexit supporter Rose Tinted. “Blue meant blue, not some poncy European turquoise rubbish!”

But Tinted could not recognise Norwegian blue from a colour chart. “It’s bad enough that we have to be so close to Europe,” she moaned. “Now they are naming British colours. It’s not on. Who invented colours, that’s what I would like to know.”

In fact, the only definite thing that Tinted said was that she didn’t like any of the blues on offer. Not even Deacon Blue, Lionel Blue or See-Through Baby Blue.

Polly Chromatic, junior Home Office minister with special responsibility for the Colour of Things, gave her official response. “Norwegian blue is a very evocative colour,” she explained. “It creates a sense of pining for the fjords, that wanderlust, making it a highly suitable shade for a passport. Even though the passport will be redundant before it is issued, it is a symbol of the British refusal to give up. It has been metaphorically nailed to its perch.”

The new passports, made in the EU because it’s cheaper than buying British, will be shipped to the UK as soon as some kind of trading agreement is, well, agreed. In the event of a no deal Brexit, ports will close and the passports will be stranded in France, and no amount of blue pigment will change matters.

“But that’s ok,” said Chromatic. “Because nobody who owns one will actually want to use it. The Norwegian blue passport is a trophy, a demonstration that we have got one over on the EU. To loyal brexiters they are simply too valuable to use. Like the Brexit 50p’s. Mind you, they will be two a penny!”

One thing is certain, though. It is a dead passport. It has Ceased to Be.

GRAB THE TIGER BY THE TAIL AND PULL IT OFF : RECENT REPORTS SUGGEST the general public maybe coming to perceive their government as an exercise in never ending SNAFU that couldn’t care less how many perish for Brexit?

LCD Views are here to say that is not the case.

There has apparently been an attempt made to calculate the death rate resulting from No Deal Brexit. An attempt has been made to calculate? The potential lethal impact of a purely voluntary political choice? Surely this shows concern at the highest levels of government.

Furthermore, even with disruption to supply chains, it doesn’t mean Global Britons will go without.

Do not panic.

“There maybe localised food shortages,” a Downing Street ‘source’ said today, responding to the flutters of worry, “they will be worse in areas with lower than average feline ownership. But anywhere that has lots of pets will be just fine.”

These can’t be many areas? All over Blighty Britons love cats, dogs, parrots and small mammals in general.

“We will though be issuing guidance, in line with Yellowhammer planning, that teaches patriots how to skin a cat. There are apparently many ways. Good traditional British ingenuity will see us ride over the bumps in the road after we crash out of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock.”

Quite how you skin a cat is a question that is rarely asked in modern Britain. We presume you have to choose between skinning your own or a neighbour’s first?

“We could even have entire sectors of the economy dedicated to reviving not only cat fur, but any mammal you care to name that is currently indulged as a layabout. And pet snakes too. Britons will need shoes and belts after Brexit. Some things will never change.”

Don’t worry, if the geniuses behind Brexit believe they can get away with lying to the Queen, what plans do their powerful imaginations have for your pets? With any luck, we’ll never find out.

BROKENSPAMMER – 10 Downing Street has given ground again today on another of the multiple fronts it is fighting on. And this without a shot being fired.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ said that they would be releasing the Brexit benefits planning document and it would be completely unredacted.

“We’ve decided to give in and release the hefty tome before a Commons vote forces us to do so,” the source said, “it’s an attempt to get ahead of the game. We’re currently behind in the game 6-0, but probably about £350m – 0 if you consider the prime minister is believed to have lied to the Queen.”

But Tory MPs have been quick to quibble over the concession.

Human driftwood, Andrew Bridgen, MP for Whatthehell-were-youthinking-electingthis-plank on Wye, blasted his own executive’s decision.

“I didn’t die on the beaches of Hastings in 1066 just for the government to give in to political pressure from judges,” he frothed, “and besides, waiting for a Brexit benefit to appear is like Waiting for Godot, it’s half the fun of Brexit. The other half is currency speculation, so I hear.”

The government dismissed the internal critique though, going so far as to suggest that Mr Bridgen was a ‘fifth columnist’ planted by remoaners to ruin Brexit.

“For a start I don’t believe he really said it,” the source retorted, “he referenced Waiting for Godot correctly. That in itself suggests it was an impersonator. But secondly, like all Brexiters he didn’t fight in the Battle of Hastings in 1066, he was in the archery squad at Agincourt.”

Your copy of Brokenspammer, the Brexit Benefits planning document, will be mailed at great public expense shortly. Wait by the mail slot.

“It’ll land on the doorstep. It’s too fat a document to get through a mail slot,” the source added, “and the paper is edible too. Which is another Brexit benefit.”

WHY DO THEY EVEN NEED A HAMMER OF ANY COLOUR : The government (using that term loosely) of the United Kingdom has given out another of the missing pages from its No Deal Brexit plan.

“It’s actually a map,” our Disasters Without Relief correspondent advises, “a before and after No Deal of the United Kingdom. Although to be exact, there is no United Kingdom in the after.”

What there is for the after is England with Wales. Scotland and Northern Ireland redacted.

“Those nations will still exist, just they’ll be invisible to Westminster,” our correspondent continues, “which actually is already the situation under these disaster capitalist Tories. So in many ways, it’s a map of continuity.”

But critics of the Yellowhammer document say the map isn’t detailed enough.

“Some commentators are complaining that Cornwall hasn’t been redacted. And neither has Yorkshire, Devon, Somerset, well, everywhere but Nigel Farage’s stronghold of Kent.”

So you’re saying the United Kingdom, in the event of No Deal, will just be Kent?

“And probably not all of that. Although you can expect some sort of federation of bits of Kent, along with pieces of Essex and Surrey.”

Presumably voters in those regions may have something to say about that! Your comments are highly contentious.

“It’s not my fault, the people had a vote. They’re not allowed another. It would endanger democracy.”

But it’s not all bad news. The reduction of three of the four nations of the UK means boom times for cartographers.

“There are still missing details though,” our correspondent adds, “even with the reluctant release of the map. As it’s not listed who gets to be King of Kent in this scenario. Will it be Boris or Nigel or will they agree to share power?”

Let’s hope we never find out.

BELLOWSPAMMER : The government, such as it is, of the United Kingdom is expected to release a fresh Brexit denial today after a storm engulfed the secrecy surrounding the enigma of its No Deal Brexit plans.

“There’s no plan and there’s no enigma and so there’s no mystery and no secret sauce,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “we definitely haven’t been stockpiling bodybags or planning for the army to takeover local councils. There’s no plan for No Deal. Nada. Zilch. And if I admit we had even jotted anything down, even back in the Halcyon days of David Davis, then Dominic Cummings will visit me in the night and drain my lifeblood with a homemade IV device. So there’s no documents. There’s no plan. Please. Can I just go now? I’m so scared. I’m so tired.”

The denial will do much to allay concerns that the government knows it is creating a bonfire of sanity and pretty much catastroshafting the UK back into a feudal age.

“The Commons wasted its time last night,” a recently knighted idiot commented, “as if this government is capable of planning for a scenario so multi-faceted? Spare me. Although it’s okay. The tax dodgers, currency speculators and disaster capitalists Brexit is designed to enrich are still seeing a payoff. So it’s not an emergency, yet.”

Whether or not the parliamentarians pushing for release of the documents will be satisfied with the denials remains to be seen.

“It may have been a mistake for Dominic and Boris to make enemies of dozens of extremely powerful, skilled, wealthy and influential people in their attempt to bulldozer through their hard right revolution. But we will just have to wait and see. If there’s no government plan the government can only hope the people they’ve enormously pissed off haven’t been planning either.”

NOT WAVING DROWNING : The always law abiding geniuses in government have obeyed the Commons vote to reveal the ‘Yellowhammer’ No Deal Brexit planning papers.

Speaking to reporters earlier today a stand in for Boris Johnson said all relevant documents had been handed over to the relevant representatives of the people’s parliament.

“There wasn’t a lot to hand over to be honest, “the Boris Johnson bodydouble shrugged, before smirking, “it’s just a photo of the button that’s been installed in 10 Downing Street and all relevant ministries.”

The buttons, described as red and easily depressed, were apparently installed earlier this year at former prime minister Theresa May’s insistence, in case the EU did not grant her an extension.

“It was the de facto method for dealing with any crisis during May’s time in office,” the messy haired actor continued, “except during the Grenfell tragedy when it took her days to work out if what was happening was a crisis or not, allegedly due to the prevalent socioeconomic backgrounds of those affected.”

But there has been some dissent over the buttons, with traditionalists in government demanding they be replaced with classic round buttons, and not the rectangles chosen by May’s team.

No discord over the wilful imposing of food and medicine rationing on the public has been recorded. This has at least boosted the government’s confidence that its plans are sound.

“We won’t need to action the No Deal plan anyway,” the body double read from his script, “as the EU will clearly finally crumble the third time we threaten to throw ourselves over a cliff. Unlike the first two. And the basis for the entire future relationship between ourselves and our continent will be agreed over drinks late in the evening. It really couldn’t be more simple. You could say solving it is as simple as pushing a button.”

Be ready. Finger over the button. Be ready to push.