Category: Brexit

NO PADDLES REQUIRED : Outgoing British, temporary, caretaker, rogue bull in a China shop, who didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Prime Minister (to all our edification) Boris “shagger” Johnson has made a desperate last minute plea to the EU to save their Brexit Deal. Even more desperate than this paragraph.

“Look all they have to do is get in their canoe and use their hands to paddle along Brexit Creek until they find me, smack bang in the middle of it,” Mr Johnson said, while weirdly flexing his arms from side to side, “As Zeus, disguised as a rum bottle inside a brown paper bag, said to Agatha Christie, in the height of the Boer War, row with me, row, row, row my boat.”

Whether or not EU leaders will have the required level of British patriotism to agree to Mr Johnson’s generous offer is not yet clear.

“It’s because they’re frightened of our exceptionalism,” a think tank paid lackey said across most of the MSM, “they know we hold all the cards. And all the paddles. And all the canoes. It is really embarrassing how they’ve allowed themselves to be backed into such a corner. We have offered them imaginative, and flexible solutions to the difficulties they’ve gotten themselves into with Brexit. But what did we get in response to May’s red lines? Or to Mr Johnson’s unrealistic attempt to bluff them into throwing the Irish under the bus so a bunch of neo-fascist, hard right idiots could remake the UK as Singapore on the Thames? The closed fist of reality. What has reality got to do with Brexit?”

Quite.

What Mr Johnson will do if the EU refuse to get into a paddle-less canoe and use their hands to push aside the Brexit turds in Brexit creek isn’t entirely clear. But a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ has some ideas.

“We’re going to barricade ourselves inside Buckingham Palace,” the source advised, “that’ll learn them. After we’ve done that we’re going to take our trousers off and stand on the roof mooning towards the continent. The German carmakers won’t be able to stand it. We’ll get that last minute Brexit deal.”

But others aren’t quite so sure, suggesting that Brexit has made the UK a laughing stock and that the sooner we get out of Shit Creek, the better.

POST BREXIT REALITIES : The Department of Education is receiving serious incoming fire today after it announced new measures to help prepare future generations for Brexit.

The sweeping changes, described by that guy who tries to scare bigger boys with spiders (he’s now in charge of your children’s education) as “fun and mental” will clarify what is required to make a success of post Brexit realities, by reassuringly simplifying English grammar.

Key to this is the banning of commas from November 1st. While this may cause some confusion in written texts, it will make managing food supplies simpler.

“As we approach Christmas there will be some disruption to the UK’s food supplies. But nothing that wasn’t fully explained by a Boris Bus in the 2016 referendum. It’s possible also that stockpiled tins of ham will have been repurposed as munitions for artillery militias, as the county wars begin. Thus people will have to seek different sources of protein, but these will be close to hand. Unless your family is not a patriotic, close knit one.”

An example of the clarification to grammar will be sentences pertaining to evening meals.

“Having someone over for dinner is going to change,” a Department of Education spokesman explained, “previously you would have expected to feed them. Now you’ll be expected to bludgeon them to unconsciousness with a Brexit dividend and cook them. It’s pretty straightforward stuff. We suggest you work through a list of people you socialise with occasionally, but you’re not too emotionally attached to. Before moving on to Grandma.”

But critics of the sensible and timely preparations have rounded on the government.

It appears that information leaflets readied for distribution to schools, and further education outlets, have an embarrassing grammatical error in them. Although it must be noted they are printed on edible pulp, so the grammatical errors are expected to reduce rapidly during November.

“I think people are not really focusing on what’s important,” the source responded, “you’ll need to decide if you’re having brown or red sauce with dinner, not weather or knot their’s grammetical errors, in. government Literature. Phocus on whats important hear. Or you may find yourself as the worm and not the early bird.”

LESS IS MORE MORE OR LESS : Downing Street aren’t taking recent Brexit wheeze setbacks lying down (with the exception of Jacob Rees-mogg).

“Not while there’s a single penny left that could better be spent on public services,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what good are nurses if Donald Trump doesn’t hold our sovereignty? We need to get Brexit delivered.”

To assist in this aim the harebrained geniuses feverishly burning the midnight oil have come up with a new advertising initiative to spaff even more public money on.

“We already know the British people just want Brexit gone,” the source continued, “and we believe if we spend more hundreds of millions of tax money on a fresh wave of propaganda then they’ll want it gone more than ever.”

To this end the award winning “Get Ready” billboards are being got ready again.

“Less is more,” the source said, simply, concisely, briefly and with a modicum of discretion, “less food is more food. Less medicines are more medicines. Less sovereignty is more sovereignty. Less international standing is more international standing. It’s all pretty straightforward when you think about it, more or less.”

Less substance and more attempt to control narrative is more narrative. Once you get the message, you’ll feel you’re getting ready for less.

But what the public will think about all the billions and billions being wasted on such initiatives will become clear over time. Think of what else that money could have been spent on?

“But you’ve got to keep the gammon happy,” the source said, “less happy gammon is more unhappy gammon. We don’t want that.”

Less propaganda and more governance is one message you won’t be seeing on a publicly funded billboard anytime soon. Not until these bluffing charlatans have less power. Much, much less.

ONE HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW : Brussels have been so quick today to respond to news that Boris Johnson will request a Brexit extension on the 19th October, presuming he can’t get a deal done (it’s not really a deal, it’s an agreement to pull out and then start talking about a deal to only hold hands), that they have already replied.

“A century ought to do it? Don’t you think?” a nonchalant Donald Tusk told a press conference, “and this time, don’t waste the time. Ha!”

But critics have been fast to round on the EU, saying that a millennium would have shown more pragmatism and flexibility.

“We know Johnson is mortal,” a UK commentator said, “except for his feet, which are clay. But we aren’t entirely sure some of the main drivers of Brexit, as an ideological project, are.”

The reason for the critique is certain figures like Jacob Rees-Mogg and Iain Duncan Smith appear to feature in medieval woodcuts of vampires and other ghouls.

“Do you ever see Steve Baker during a full moon? No? Well you do. That giant hairy wolf like dog that runs around the moors of Wycombe once a month, yeah, that’s him. He’s been at it since the 9th century.”

But others were more sanguine over the offer, not least Mr Johnson, who really doesn’t want to go to prison for breaking the law.

“It is perhaps long enough for all the members of the ERG to do the minimum research required into the relative position of the UK both in and out of the UK. Also JIT manufacturing and the impact of leaving the single market on the financial services sector. Although they may need longer to understand what they’ve researched. Priti Patel will welcome it. It’s unlikely the opposition parties will get their act together to form a GNU. This will give her the chance to become ‘the disgraced former Secretary of State’ for pretty much every portfolio. Which is nice.”

Labour are pleased too, stating that Jeremy Corbyn stills expects to be leading Labour next century, claiming for all time the mantle of the most Conservative prime ministers seen off from the opposition benches, while never actually having to take a firm public position on Brexit.

“That’s a bit unlikely to be honest,” the commentator shrugged, “the way the Cons are whittling themselves down there’ll only be Mark Francois left and sooner or later he’ll have to leave to begin Reception.”

HANDS THROWN UP : The EU have moved today to get Brexit done, or gone, depending on what’s agreed.

Sources inside the Brussel’s unelected, but somehow elected, parliament say the EU have finally given up expecting the English nationalists to negotiate in good faith and have appointed a Brexit negotiator on behalf of 10 Downing Street.

The negotiator is believed to be Michel Barnier’s twin brother, Michael, said to be a seasoned international deal maker and almost identical to Michel. The anglicised name will make it easy to tell who is who for observers as the negotiations resume.

“Johnson made this inevitable,” a source close to both Barniers told LCD Views, “by withdrawing the UK’s commissioners from the council and forcing the EU to appoint Finland, with power of attorney for UK decisions, it was only a matter of time till the EU became fed up with the unending stream of fudge, double fudge, doublespeak, doublefudgedoublespeak and dishonesty regurgitated by Downing Street. Michael and Michel have been negotiating their entire lives, often with each other, they’ll get Brexit done. Or gone, it depends on what they agree.”

But while the appointment will clearly save Boris Johnson and his cabinet time and money, some are not entirely pleased by what they see as over reach on the EU’s part.

“This imperils the Brexit project by raising the prospect of something actually being decided,” a forlorn Downing Street source commented, “Brexit is powered by lies, on this side of the channel, if the negotiations start happening in good faith it may actually end. Where will Boris be then? It’s a disaster. He’ll have nothing left to campaign on but his record in government and reputation as a family man.”

David Davis is said to also be deeply unimpressed, having done so much of the early groundwork to make Brexit a success. Similarly Dominic Raab. No one has checked what Stephen Barclay thinks of the development, as he was only appointed because a pulse was detected.

The EU’s decision has raised the hopes of people wishing to stop Brexit altogether though.

“The EU isn’t completely batshit crazy, unlike the UK government, they may just decide to stop Brexit altogether, or grant an extension of article 50 until the next GE, due in 2022. It’s hard to know what they’ll do. They’re notorious for deciding everything on a make it up as you go along policy and lumping for anything at all last minute. Totally the reverse of the current British government. Anything is possible now.”

More on this story as it develops.

ALL THE TIME TILL THE END OF THE WORLD : A snap poll conducted by NoGov today has revealed a not surprising level of satisfaction with the various opposition parties amongst UK voters.

“What’s the rush to bring down Johnson’s government?” A Random Remainer said, “it’s not like you can’t trust the Johnson government to obey the law. Yes, Vote Leave, found to have broken electoral laws, is now the government. Yes the government has already been found to have unlawfully prorogued parliament, but I’m sure they’ve learned their lessons.”

And there was similar nonchalance regarding the current behaviour of the opposition parties.

“Well all know multi-millionaire, career politician Jeremy Corbyn, whose been attempting to achieve ‘Lexit’ his entire parliamentary career, and who even called for Article 50 to be invoked the day after the 2016 referendum, is desperate to be appointed PM of a hamstrung government of national unity. He’s not just wasting time till the Tories dish up Lexit for him and get the blame. While also directing relentless propaganda at the Libdems.”

And there was similar satisfaction with the Liberal Democrats.

“The attacks they’re receiving from the SNP show the sensible decision to keep going after the SNP and Sturgeon by Jo Swinson. It’s not like the best way to prevent Scottish independence and the break up of the UK is to forget Scottish politics for now and defeat Brexit. Sturgeon is pretty light, wait? Just go for her. What’s she going to do? Remember the way Theresa May outplayed her all through her premiership? Also the way the Libdems are failing to call Corbyn’s bluff and say, go on, form a government then, let’s prove the math wrong. Genius. They’re totally controlling the political narrative. I’m not pulling my hair out in frustration at the failure to bring down Johnson by the opposition parties at all.”

But mostly people were content to wait out, sure in the certainty there is absolutely no chance of Johnson, Cummings and all the other Brexit zealots attempting to break the Benn Act and sacrifice peace in Northern Ireland in the classic imperialist, arrogant, time honoured English offhand tradition.

“They’ve got Johnson cornered at the moment,” another voter shrugged, “there’s no rush for the opposition parties to bring his government down. He’ll just wait to be politically dismembered by the Benn Act. Safe as houses. May as well enjoy being prorogued again, and again, and again.”

So that’s nice then.

TURN THE PAGE ON BREXIT : The EU has reacted with trademark patience today after revealing that the latest Brexit offer from the British (temporary) government is just an old Playboy magazine, with some official paper stuck to the front to disguise it.

“We suspect it maybe from Mr Johnson’s personal archives,” a weary Michel Barnier told a press briefing, “there is a strip of masking tape stuck inside the cover with a scribble that looks like ‘Property of Alexander. Touch it and die.”. Although we can’t be sure, as the editors of the Telegraph can tell you any day of the week, with their front cover, we Europeans can’t read English well.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the EU’s apparent readiness to discard an old porn mag as non-serious suggests they haven’t checked out the centrefold. Nor do they give due respect to the fact that this is Mr Johnson operating at the top of his game. To expect anything more serious is to be unrealistic. Thus it’s the EU’s fault for endangering the peace in Northern Ireland and not the toxic nationalism seizing some English.

“I have it on good authority too it’s a British edition of Playboy from June 1976. That’s the one with the centrefold who looks like Margaret Thatcher, if you squint. A collectors item amongst proper Tories,” our ’I only read it for the articles’ specialist says,

“I’m sure the quoted remarks down the side will contain Mr Johnson’s Brexit offer in earnest. And almost certainly both a recipe for cake and world peace. The EU should give the entire document the study it deserves.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson’s do or die offer to the EU will be treated like the load of old spank it clearly is will be known very soon.

In the meantime we’d suggest the opposition parties stop spaffing their chance to bring Johnson down against the wall and get on with it.

ENDANGERED SPECIES TRADERS : Metropolitan Police have released photos tonight of two men in their 50’s wanted in connection with the death of a unicorn outside Buckingham Palace.

The unicorn, believed to be over 300 years old and called Bob, was said to have been knocked down and mortally injured earlier today by two gentleman described as “in appearances socially acceptable, but in intent allegedly criminal”.

The suspects were said to have been attempting to drive a coach and horses at speed through the gates of Buckingham Palace, presumably to threaten the inhabitants of the modest London home. It is understood they will stop at nothing to possess something called Prorogation, which is kept inside the Palace.

But key eyewitnesses on the scene saying they weren’t only driving the coach and horses right at the symbolic centre of British constitutional monarchy, but also drawing a cart behind the coach piled up with steaming bullshit.

“The bullshit is now everywhere. A complete hazard to anyone in the vicinity. The clean up will take time and effort. We ask the general public to be patient as this is achieved,” a Met spokesman said.

Bob itself has been described as elderly, a little eccentric, but generally pragmatic, until recently.

“It could be the suspects were known to Bob,” the Met spokesman added, “according to the unicorn’s handlers he has been experiencing mounting anxiety for sometime and even spoke of specific threats to his very existence. Whether the event was a planned hit as part of organised activities aimed at destabilising and profiteering off a once stable democracy, or accidental, is not yet clear.”

In the meantime anyone with any knowledge of the whereabouts of the suspects is asked to call a confidential hotline and to stay vigilant.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART WAS : HOME SECRETARY Priti Patel has moved today to quell concerns that any Brexit (YES THAT MEANS ANY LEXIT TOO) is only going to make life worse for people who aren’t wealthy.

“The British people need to stop immigration,” the former disgraced Secretary of State for International Development told an audience of rabidly xenophobic geriatrics, “and that means stopping British people moving homes too. Stopping them easily meeting people from other places. You can’t create a siege mentality regarding Europe if you let people easily move around it. We’re here to help with that.”

But just in case anyone was concerned this was a one size fits all policy, Ms Patel had reassurance.

“I wonder if anyone has done a study of the amount of Brexit supporting millionaires who’ve now purchased a burgundy passport from one of the EU’s smaller member states?” Ms Patel smiled warmly, the very essence of the milk of human kindness,

“indeed, given that the Lexit leaders are also multi-millionaires, have they ensured their freedom of movement too? Even as their political efforts will strip the jobs of an as yet uncounted number of the people they say they defend? All to satisfy a sense of grievance that Brexit will only exacerbate longer term. But you’ve taken back control from Westminster! Haven’t you left behind Britons! You’ve taken back control from those who couldn’t care less about you by doing exactly what they want. How does that feel? I have the control now. You won’t be getting away from the collectivised farm comrades by going to Germany for work this time!”

Here Ms Patel paused to stare into the middle distance and imagine everyone in Britain walled up in their own home. Now and then released to work in a zero hours, gig economy job, while the bank accounts of the bosses swell. Because they deserve it.

“We will take that freedom to move away from all 65m+ Britons, excepting the ones wealthy enough to continue to enjoy it,” she reiterated, “this is the will of the people. To stay home. To keep their children at home. To watch across the channel as an entire continent continues to enjoy it. But not Global Britons. Oh no. Not unless they can afford it.”

No one can have a problem with that. Not even someone seeking Lexit.

“Brexit will level the playing field. And then peasants, then you will till it. Well, not the people in this audience clearly. The poorer ones who just marginally voted for it in a criminally corrupted opinion poll held years ago now.”

What will you give up to make a success of Brexit? A lot more than anyone else on the continent of Europe, that’s for sure.

EASY TO READ FORMAT : Outgoing Prime Minister, and by all appearances, amateur gangster, Boris Johnson has bowed to pressure and released his detailed plan for Getting Brexit Gone, we mean done, to the public.

“Saves time,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “someone is only going to leak it anyway.”

The plan, in triplicate, covers every angle Mr Johnson has turned his powerful logistical mind to since becoming Prime Minister.

He hasn’t just been cooking up inflammatory tabloid headlines to gaslight and confuse the public. He hasn’t just allegedly been praying that even more young women don’t come forward to say he’s had his way with them.

Not that it matters anymore. When you really sit and consider his character and what is publicly known of his past deeds, you’re only left with wondering how the f#ck he got to become prime minister. And also what it says about our political class, and broader public culture, if he’s allowed to continue being prime minister.

Whose hands are on the levers of power?

“This release of the plan, in triplicate, will certainly help the Conservative Party conference get underway in an atmosphere of bonhomie and confidence,” the source continued, “it’ll save Mr Johnson time too. When overly sceptical party members ask him what the plan is, he can just say, haven’t you seen it? Swagger on and knob some random blonde.”

But critics have been quick to point out that although being released in triplicate, there is actually nothing to it.

“That’s because Brexit is outstandingly simple as a concept,” the source clarified, “smash everything and burn it. It’s really perplexing why people who profess to love democracy keep trying to undermine it.”

What will happen after Mr Johnson’s plan is actioned is less certain however. The plan doesn’t appear to cover the days after.

“Well it will depend on which currencies Sterling is fluctuating the most against. But I wouldn’t worry your little head about it.”

A further wheeze to read the plan out loud to the conference has been abandoned though, as mostly conference attendees will be too busy scribbling over their personal copies of the plan with crayons and clapping like seals on demand.