Category: Brexit

THE ART OF THE BACK OF FAG PACKETS : Natural Born Liar Boris Johnson has announced by tweet this morning that he’s creating a new Secretary of State. Just. Like. That.

The new Minister will be responsible for the pissing of public money up the wall and is expected to rapidly be one of the country’s busiest.

But critics of the move have hit out, claiming that with the establishment of DExEU, under Johnson’s predecessor, the ministry already exists.

“This is just duplication of the work we already do at DExEU,” an aide to DExEU Secretary Stephen Barclay (you know him, he has a pulse, so he got the job after Raab cut and run to study for a Geography masters) told LCD Views, “which now I think about it, is perfectly Brexit.”

But other departments are also concerned.

Transport was effective at wasting hundreds of millions under Grayling. And with the announcement of new ferry contracts in event of a No Deal Brexit, is still wasting millions now.

Justice has done exceptionally well by attempting to privatise the prison service, botched outsourcing of forensics and shredding of legal aid, causing a bleed of cash in other areas as a result. It’s not really clear why the Ministry for Pissing Public Money Up The Wall need exist at all.

“It’s to exemplify Johnson’s premiership,” a Downing Street ‘source’ clarified, “and to distract the people who write reams of nonsense in newspapers. Nothing will better encapsulate Johnson’s time in office than a mass haemorrhage in the public finances.

“Whether or not he gets any Brexit. Just look at the ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ state sponsored, party political broadcast campaign? How many nurses could that have paid for? It was excellent.”

It seems the creation of the ministry also signals that the age of austerity is definitely over. The primary aim of the department will be to borrow massively from the future to pissing away everything we have today. This is necessary as the Brexiters have already largely pissed away any historical legacy, be it domestic or international.

“You can’t get more Brexit than that,” the source added, “blowing your future to piss away your today. Get Ready.”

BEING A BIG BOY IS HARD : Boris “short trousers” Johnson, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has written a letter to some adults because some mean kids he knows made him do it.

The mean kids are part of a neighbourhood club that Boris joined and expected to be the boss of, just because. The club is friends with other clubs and they all make one big club together.

But Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less), wants his club to be on its own because he’s special.

Now his club members have ganged up on him and made him do something he really didn’t want to do, just to stop other people getting hurt. At least for now.

This is tell the other clubs he wants his club to stay friends with their clubs for a bit longer.

“Boris doesn’t know why the other people in his club don’t trust him?” Iain ‘Irritable Little Duncan’ Sheets said, “Boris is the boss of the club so everyone has to do what he wants. Poo poo wee wee pants.”

But in spite of the tantrums Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has done it. Because he couldn’t change his club rules in time to not have to do it.

“Well, someone in his treehouse did,” our Mature Democracy correspondent says, “it may not personally have been Boris, mental age 5, maybe less.

“He didn’t sign the letter. He may have threatened to give one of the other kids he hangs out with a wedgie unless they did it for him. Or threatened to tell on them over some secret Boris knows. One or the other. Or maybe he signed it in invisible ink. Who knows. But the letter has been sent. That’s what counts.”

What the adults who received the letter will do is anyone’s guess. Some think they’ll take pity on Boris and try and help him. Mostly because if they do he’ll bugger off and stop being a complete pain in the arse.

“More correctly he’ll be an even bigger pain in the backside but he will only be doing it at home. So the adults can just tut then and wonder about his upbringing. He can’t have heard no a lot when he’s being naughty. Or he screamed and the no became yes. Never good.”

It’s reassuring to know though, that when it comes to the crunch, Boris will do what he’s ordered to out of fear of being punished if he doesn’t.

“That’s because he’s a bully and they don’t like getting hurt. It’s all bluff and bluster and hurting other kids so they do what you want. It fills the screaming void inside for a while.”

Now, if the other kids are smart they’ll use this latest upset for Boris, age 5, definitely lower, as an excuse to stop him being boss of the local club.

Remember once, we used to be a country with respect rule of law at club management level and grown ups in charge.

“That’s not Boris. He’s a big kid who doesn’t respect the rules. Because his emotional age is 5, maybe lower.”

Well, that’s tough. That’s the rules of the club.

BULLSEYE : FURORE TODAY after the Exchequer revealed the winning entry in the design competition to come up with a new £50 note.

“Crowds are massing outside the royal mint to demand a re-design after Chancellor Bridgen did the big reveal of the new fifty pound note,” our Minted reporter says, “the outrage seems largely to focus on the fact the Queen is missing from the design. And Her Royal Highness is always on proper British notes.”

But spokesperson for the Treasury, Ms Dorries, said there was no choice but to exclude Queen Elizabeth after Fuhrer Johnson traded away British sovereignty to President For Life Donald Trump in order to convince him to purchase the NHS as a job lot, rather than piecemeal.

Other observers are more sanguine, stating mirroring the Euro design for a twenty is just acknowledging post Brexit realities. And is actually a little generous to the pound, given current exchange rates.

“It’ll save time once we complete the process of rejoining the continental wide European Union so our kids stop looking at us like we’re complete bellends for trading away a mass of rights, opportunities and liberties just so travel insurance firms could profit from the loss of the EHIC.”

The Treasury was also claiming that the new bullseye will save the country millions as the currency currently used in the English blackmarket in bread and cereals is already Euro notes. With the exception of the roubles used in the region of OffenFuhrer Rees-mogg’s estate.

President Nicolas Sturgeon of the Independent Republic of Scotland, and the Welsh Chancellor David Thomas also welcomed the design, as it brings England into line with the look of the currency they’ve been using since gaining independence in 2022 during the English county wars.

A good deal had been made out of a bad deal. Boris’ deal, a minor variation in Theresa May’s deal, is on the table, but the reality is that Johnson has neither the numbers nor the belief to get it done. Consequently, leading brexiters have been queueing up to tell reality to stop moaning and throw its weight behind Boris.

“Reality gets in the way of this deal, so it must instead get out of the way,” wittered little Dominic Raab on Today. “This moaning, this treacherous reliance on facts and predictions must stop so Brexit can proceed smoothly.”

“You’re so clever, you explain things so well,” purred the BBC presenter. “So, if we ignore reality, what happens next?”

You could almost hear Raab smile. He knew he could now say absolutely anything and get away with it.

In another part of the wood, Michael Gove was polishing his disingenuousness. “This deal protects rights and standards!” he dribbled. “It’s there, if you look hard enough!”

So we looked. It was there, all right, crossed out in red ink and initialed by Johnson. The reality is the exact opposite of what Gove says, as usual.

“Reality needs to stop interfering with what we want to do!” spluttered Gove. “It’s about time reality realised that it lost. It needs to stop complaining, get over it and suck it up. Now excuse me, I need to feed my unicorn.”

Boris’ deal has been created in the image of its maker. It is incoherent, rambling and unreliable. It promises much and delivers sod all. It serves one purpose, and one purpose only: to make Boris Johnson look good. Reality is threatening to prevent that, too.

It is also almost a carbon copy of Theresa May’s deal, and reality is being told to shut up about that as well.

Reality told to stop moaning and get behind Boris. And shaft him royally in the process.

Former Crime Minister, Theresa May, had pronounced herself ‘disappointed’ with Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal. Mostly because it’s her deal but with a tweak or two.

Out goes the dreaded Irish border backstop, to be replaced with something almost identical, but not called a backstop.

The biggest difference is that the front page now reads “My big brand new Brexit deal, by Boris Johnson, aged 55 ⅓”.

“I have to say, I’m deeply disappointed,” remarked May in that once familiar Stephen Hawking meets fingers down a blackboard voice. “Let me be totally clear: this is MY deal, my record breaking thrice rejected deal, and that grinning idiot Johnson is taking the credit.”

The faintest hint of emotion in her robotic speech betrayed just how deeply hurt she was.

But will she vote for what is, after all, her deal, or vote against, out of spite at her successor?

“I’m not revealing that,” she grated. “But let me just say this: a majority in favour of this deal is highly unlikely indeed.”

Arlene Foster and get DUP chumps won’t vote for May 3.1 either, as ditching the original backstop simply throws Northern Ireland further under the bus. NI gets the worst of both worlds, becoming neither part of the UK nor of the EU. Arlene may like to foster sectarian violence, but she won’t encourage it in public. Yet.

The ERG are harder to predict. Their inclination is to bite the hand that feeds them, but this might be their last opportunity to get the Brexit they have demanded for the last 45 years. Or they may instead follow the lead of Nigel Farage.

True to form, Farage has flipflopped. He backed Boris’ deal and 31 October exit right up to the moment it was agreed, before demanding another extension. Who is the true master of Brexit?

Brexit means Brexit. But since nobody can agree whether this is true, Theresa May will probably be disappointed for a very long time.

CAN YOU FEEL IT : The world watches, mildly distracted by Donald Trump’s letters of insanity, as the sun sets on the English Empire with Little Englanders jumping up and down upon it.

The EU watches, increasingly nonplussed and baffled, as a small clique of UK politicians decide what best serves the bloodthirsty God of Brexit.

What was best for Brexit God yesterday may differ from what is best for Brexit God today. No one else has any say.

Brexit God is an angry God.

Brexit God is a changeable God.

Brexit God is a false idol.

To find out more, we spoke to one of the worshippers.

“Look, we just walk into that room in Brussels and make a little fist,” Littlest Brexit Corporal Francois cries, “shake it really hard in Barnier’s face and then punch ourselves in the knackers! They’ll see what they’re dealing with! We will be an independent country again! Free to punch itself in the balls whenever we like! Till we’re black and blue! We’re the English! We won in 1066 against the Norwegian German axis! We’re exceptional!”

He’s a believer.

But how many believers in Brexit God are there really?

Don’t expect the BBC to find out. Its charter rules it must only do vox pops in towns that voted to punch themselves in the nuts back in 2016. They made High Priest Farage very happy. It has to stay that way.

And other chaplains and vicars of the faith can be heard daily. They say we must do a deal. We can work out the details later. The very MO of Brexit.

How’s that worked out so far?

At least one thing is clear. If the UK and EU do hammer out a last minute dot.com, promises to be broken almost instantly arrangement it will involve a lot of nut punching.

But they’ll be our nuts. And we’ll do the punching. And Brexit God will be watching and smiling.

STARING INTO POOLS OF WATER AND FINDING YOURSELF BEAUTIFUL : BORIS ‘F BUSINESS’ JOHNSON is said to be on the verge of signing whatever the EU puts before him.

“Any old nonsense will do really,” an aide to the PM told LCD Views, “the key objective is, does it allow him to stay prime minister for five minutes longer? It’s the same criteria May used when she was negotiating her Brexit. Which funnily enough, now looks a lot like Johnson’s Brexit.”

Delivering Brexit is the only thing that matters as the only thing that matters is keeping the support of people who can keep you prime minister because you delivered Brexit. At least for another five minutes.

Johnson has a clear path ahead of him. So simple issues like consequences, intended or otherwise, and complexity over time, are unwanted distractions.

But some have signalled concerns over the way in which the PM is attempting to get Brexit done, regardless of the consequences, and to an arbitrary timetable.

“Those people worry too much about others and their children, and not enough about immediate self-gratification,” the aide retorted, “live life in the moment like Boris does. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Let yesterday be lost in the swirling churn of time. It’s definitely the way to run a country.”

And concerns about what the details of any Deal Boris eventually agrees with the EU, if any, are perhaps vastly over inflated, just like the pound was before it felt the benefits of 3.5 years of pre-Brexit.

“It’s not like he intends to keep any promises,” our analyst observed, “the Brexit deal is like his wedding vows. Something you’re expected to do to get what you want on the day. They don’t mean anything to Boris. And besides, he and the other politicians shoving Brexit down the country’s throat are wealthy enough not to worry about the consequences. So just sit back and be taken for a ride. You’re currently living through history. You should be excited.”

When is a deal not a deal? When it’s an old deal reheated and with the bits you don’t like crossed out in red biro.

Boris Johnson’s brand new masterpiece, the stonking great innovation, is actually Theresa May’s old thrice rejected deal with a few bits missing. If May’s deal was an old pack of cards including a Joker with the words “Irish border” scribbled on it, Johnson’s is the same but without the Joker.

Small wonder that the EU negotiating team has dubbed it “May minus minus minus”.

Johnson has also removed Mr Bun the Baker from the pack, and replaced him with Mr Rees-Mogg the Saboteur.

Just to make it easier for the EU to reject his deal while laughing their heads off, Johnson stooge Priti Patel has announced the end of freedom of movement. This prevents Johnson from travelling to Europe to negotiate, although it also means we are stuck with the buggers indefinitely.

It’s no deal better than this bad deal? The bad deal leaves us voluntarily tied to Europe but with no say. No deal sees us fall victim to bigger regimes who will offer us trade on disadvantageous terms and say take it or leave it. Take back control, indeed.

In short, any deal will leave us weakened, no deal could well destroy the economy. You may as well offer the choice between cutting off one leg, or both. And you have to buy your own wheelchair. The option of cutting off neither and carrying on as normal does not seem to be available.

May minus minus minus renders us legless. And not in a good way.

We voted for this, apparently. We voted to disable ourselves and we knew it. Yeah, right. It’s just another lie that nobody is brave enough to call out.

The country is on fire. It is burning out of control. Soon there won’t be any pants left.

FOREVER ISN’T THAT LONG IN GEOLOGICAL TERMS : The news wires have been buzzing for the last forty eight hours with rumours of a potential breakthrough in Brexit talks.

“This is a necessary build up before the inevitable breakdown,” our embedded Brexit reporter observers, “it’s international politics in the style of reality TV.”

But news earlier today that the EU 27 had green lighted more intensive negotiations really got people hoping the ERG are ready to scupper their own aims once again.

“Talk of going into the tunnel sounded particularly ominous earlier today,” our reporter observes, “with some fearing that the GE posturing of the British opposition parties, as opposed to bringing down the Johnson criminal shitshower while they can, may even lead to Boris Johnson getting the great Brexit swindle done. Which would be grisly in the extreme, as Brexit will thus never end. As in, to infinity and beyond Brexit. But without any of the affection, humour or fun of Buzz Lightyear.”

But of course anxiety should be tempered with the awareness that no Brexit deal has ever survived contact with either oxygen or sunlight.

“To get a deal agreed with the EU Boris Johnson will have to convince the ERG, DUP and other headbangers, all with different agendas, that they’re going for a ride on his big red bus of lies and they’re all going to like it. That’s hard to pull off. And then the mass of now independent MPs and Labour, Libdems, SNP and Green would have to sufficiently get behind it. Do you want to deliver Brexit for Boris?”

All that considered, it looks like the Tory Story of Brexit has some way to run.

“Let’s just hope the opposition has a few surprises lined up next week when Johnson has his Queen’s speech. That way enough parliamentarians will be able to credibly look at the electorate and say, you’ve got a friend in me.”

THE WHOLE WORLD IS A STAGE AND WE ARE MERELY STAGGERING ACROSS IT : Enthusiastic Brexit pushers have reached new heights of fetishisation in their desire to do harm to all and sundry, now demanding a ‘Clean Break Brexit’, and to help themselves they’ve settled on a campaign slogan.

“Now, now, let me speak,” a hard Brexit pusher demanded, while speaking, “Why not break both your legs? Is a perfectly sensible question. Especially, and I want to make this absolutely clear, your legs are currently functioning perfectly well and are unbroken.”

The adoption of the slogan is certain to help push their agenda of radicalising credulous types into certain danger, and self harm, for being just a few words long. Easy to remember. Easy to repeat.

“And it draws on famous theatrical tropes,” the pusher said, “Break a leg! Who in the entertainment business, which I am, doesn’t want to do that?”

Critics of the slogan have been quick to point out that even breaking one leg is foolish, especially if you have a choice not to, and two legs is just insane.

“Fifth columnist saboteurs in the pay of Junker!” The pusher hit back, “for far too long good, honest, hardworking British men and women have been walking around doing Brussel’s bidding on both their legs. Let’s see how Merkel likes it when we can’t walk! Let’s see whose plaster and splint manufacturers are booming then! And with no need for exports to have a thriving, broken bone based, nationally focused, global economy!”

While various swivel eyed Tory MPs are certain to get behind the campaign and volunteer to break poorer people’s legs for Brexit, some have demurred.

Rory Stewart has suggested that one broken arm Brexit, and a mild ankle strain, combined with an infected, ingrown toenail would be preferable. Nick Boles has weighed in to support the call. Likewise other Tory ‘rebels’ ejected from the party by fracturer in chief, Johnson, on the grounds they just weren’t kamikaze enough. They will continue to make their case for limited harm to the national body, while little voices inside them scream.

Labour MPs have also lent both their criticism and support. Certain Labour Lexit MPs have written to the EU asking it to break just one leg for us, as that will leave their constituents still able to hop and hobble about after Brexit, and besides it’s all the Tories fault for starting it. Their job as opposition MPs is to both go along with, and appear to oppose, the national act of self-harm. This will help unify the nation, after cheering it on to unknown amounts of damage.

Who will ultimately triumph, and just how much plaster you will be wearing, may come down to a referendum on the issue. Do you want one broken leg, or two? Or do you actually think not breaking your legs is better?